I used to sing in church a lot. I am not a soloist, but I do very well in a group. Because I did well in a group, most people assumed I would do well as a soloist and I sang a lot in both churches. I was never good enough for anything beyond the older people who attended and could barely hear me (haha), but I did enjoy it.

This was the last song I planned to sing in church. I chose it because I felt like nobody saw the real me. I bought the music, practiced it, and planned to sing it in mid-October, 2007. Unfortunately, I found the real me at the end of September, so I never sang it publicly. But I still like it, because it reminds me of how lost and lonely and invisible I felt, and then I think, now I do see the real me, and many others do now, too. And it is wonderful and beautiful to finally set myself free.

Dear Mum

Thank you for teaching me to love my children unconditionally and never, ever wanting to cause them harm. It is through your own lack of protection, love, care, nurturing that I am everything I needed from you. Thank you for teaching me to know whom I do not wish to become.

Thank you for teaching me that to have love, happiness and to feel safe in life that you need to go and get it yourself. You taught me that I cannot rely on others for my happiness.

My final words:

From this point forward, I will not let you hurt me. I am not your emotional punching bag any longer. I will not accept the abuse anymore.

I am worthy. I am deserving. I am loved. I am caring. I am awesome. I am a fighter. I am me.

Thank you.

P.S I dedicate this song to you. It is who I am now.

Thank you for making me a fighter!

Sometimes it seems all to much and when it does … “look inside yourself … and trust the voice within”.

Things I am currently avoiding…

1.  Blogging (oh wait, I am right now).
2.  Taking more pictures of myself pregnant.
3.  Buying a crib.
4.  Doing any sort of organizing/cleaning in preparation for a kid.
5.  Doing any sort of organizing/cleaning period.
6.  Registering at any sort of baby store.
7.  Final fall gardening.

After my wonderful weekend being reunited with my Sister again and even her father who I have not seen for 19 years, you would think I would be happy. I am not.

I’m angry. So very angry.  I am angry at the person that wasn’t there.

• I’m angry at the one that caused the loss of time.
• I am angry at what they have done.
• I am angry at the coward that took everything precious to me.
• I am angry at their lack of regard to what they did and continue to do.
• I am angry that they think it’s ok.
• I am angry that they are the most selfish person I have ever met.
• I am angry  …. at you, my Mother.

I don’t think I will or even can begin to forgive her. Ever.

The other day, I was sent a link and a password to a protected Blog. I was excited to receive this. Very excited. A very caring person sent it to me. I knew it would be beautiful. Perfect. For me. I asked her permission and therefore I am allowed to share this wonderful gift with you.

Note: I am not the Author of this. This is a gift to me from a very special person.

Protected: stronger than you think

Never let the hand you hold, hold you down.

Within my heart,
Within my soul,
Your selfish actions
Took their toll.

I built my walls.
I closed my doors.
You took from me,
What wasn’t yours.

Upon myself,
I placed the blame.
I led a life,
You filled with shame.

I thought for sure,
I must have sinned.
I buried it all
Deep within.

A childhood lost,
To all the pain,
You placed on me
For your own gain.

There was less laughter.
I hardly cried.
I tried to forget.
I felt, I died.

Though, the years
Have passed me by,
What you have done,
I no longer deny.

The time has come.
I, now, can see,
To let my heart
And soul be free.

Upon you now,
I place this blame.
It is not I,
Who bears this shame.

It is my childhood,
I must reclaim.
My life can never
Remain the same.

Now I see,
All you have done.
My life’s healing
Has just begun.

Though my journey,
May be long and rough,
Because of you,
I am now tough.

Tear down my walls
And open my doors.
The power is mine.
It no longer is yours.

Into my heart,
Love can now flow,
As pure as it should be,
As pure as the snow.

Where there was once darkness,
There is now light.
My life is changing,
To my hearts delight.

For once in my life,
I feel whole.
I can love with my heart.
I’ve reclaimed my soul.

]]> http://peacefulmusings.wordpress.com/2009/10/06/dear-little-girl-lost/ Tue, 06 Oct 2009 03:02:04 +0000 peacefulmusings http://peacefulmusings.wordpress.com/2009/10/06/dear-little-girl-lost/

I would like to acknowledge the fact that it was via a selfless act that someone suggested that I write a letter to the “little girl who lost her childhood”.  That little girl is me. I am going to do my best to speak to that little girl as the woman I am today.

(side note: it was my intention to offer this little girl advice. advice to overcome her pain, loss and suffering. unfortunately, i am unable to remove myself still from this little girl. in time, i will try again. for now, this is what i can offer that little girl.)

Dear Little Girl Lost,

I write this from a different view point to you. You don’t know me. Not yet anyway. You see, I too was like you. I lost my childhood.

I’m not really sure what words of encouragement I have for you right now, but I do know that you are not alone. I know that deep down your Mother, Father, Grandparents, Aunts, Uncles, Siblings, etc loved you. I have learned that not everyone loves the way I love. Not everyone has the same openness to such a raw emotion as me. They’re not wrong. I’m not wrong. It’s just that we’re different.

We cannot expect people to love us the same way we love them by showing us the same ‘neediness’ that we desire. It’s through this neediness that I have learned to care more. Not so much for myself, but for that of others.

I am reflecting a lot as I write this to you. For the purpose of this, can I call you “Sarah”?  Sarah, you have no idea how much you are loved. I know you are. It’s important that you understand that growing up as fast as you did was not something you could of controlled, nor can you change. It is what it is.

I will tell you what I know:~

• that you are loved
• that you have everything you can ever want, if you just allow yourself to see
• that people look up to you and are inspired by your courage
• that you are a wonderful friend. Very loyal, loving and giving.
• that you don’t allow those close to you to help you.
• that you think you can do this on your own
• that you don’t want ‘help’
• that you are strong enough
• that you are amazing
• that you need to find the ladder to get out of the well you are in. It’s cold and dark down there and no place for someone like you
• that you can follow your dream
• that it is never too late
• that the sun is shining, if you will just see
• there are going to be days that you will struggle to see. Let me be your eyes
• you are not able to hang on to the guilt you carry any longer
• that you witnessed and endured more than anyone should
• that you carry the burden of rejection
• that you bring so much joy to others
• you can do this

I need to you to find that inner strength you have. That strength that is going to show you that can start living. You do not need to be a victim any longer. Don’t dwell in self pity any longer. You are better than that. So much better. Show them that you can be what you want to be. That happy, smiling, loving little girl. The one that skips and sings her way through life. The one that see’s ‘rainbows and unicorns’ everywhere she goes.

I challenge you to strive for colour in your day. Start by seeing one colour each day and then progress to the full spectrum of the rainbow. You will see. It is beautiful. It is magical. It is healing. It is you. It can be you and will be you. I have faith in you. We all do.

I love you.

♥

The definition of Inspiration is “Divine guidance or influence exerted directly on the mind and soul of humankind.“

I am completely overwhelmed to think that many place me in this category. An inspiration to them. I am not one to ‘gloat’, but for me, this is part of my journey. I see that. I am recognising the beautiful words and thoughts people have about me. I have taken some time to collect the emails, messages, etc I have received lately that brings me so much joy.  I have placed them here for safe keeping.

Today is an ‘up’ day. I feel fantastic! When I go down that roller coaster, I want to come to this post and recall those moments when you found inspiration through me, my words, my choices.  Please know I am forever thankful to you for allowing me and seeing in me a way to be inspiring

Thank you for finding inspiration in me

1. “You inspired me to finally do it! With your Appreciation post. So many times others never know how they have  changed another person. Thank you”
2. “I wanted you to know that I thought of your words all day long…you helped to get me through … I love you “
3. “Thanks to @The_Aussie_Girl for being a top chick!”
4. “Thank u for your inspiration.”
5. “I get my strength from you and the others”
6. “I am so proud of you I am left speechless at times. You are a huge blessing to me and I will be there for you always.”
7. “You are an amazing person”
8. “You know why people come to you for inspiration? It is because they see something very special in you; exactly what I see; exactly what you will soon see in yourself.”
9. “I just fell in love with you even more “
10. “You are a precious, sweet friend *hugs*”
11. “Just know you make me smile and I am proud of you for your blog.”
12. “It makes me so happy that you think that…but let me say you don’t have to thank me.It should be me the one that thanks.Thank you for letting me be a part of you”
13. “You darlin just made my day GOOD..no GREAT!! Thank you *hugs*”
14. “You seem like a wonderful person. I like your philosophy on life in general.”
15. “Just know you are a treasure. An amazing gift. Just thank you.”
16. “Thanks for your kind support.”
17. “…….. In good times and bad times, I’ll be on your side for ever more…that’s what friends are for…….”
18. “If this person is not in your life…you are missing out on so much. I truly love her. She makes my world a better place.”
19. “I am truly blessed to have you in my life as well!! You friendship & kindness have touched my soul. #love #friendship #hope“
20. “I do know I was meant to meet you. Thank you for making me happy and comforting me when I am sad. Love you.”
21. “I think you are great and don’t ever change a thing! “
22. “I have never told you this…but I think you are awesome!”
23. “You pulled me out of my hole. I was just about to jump to my twitter death…and there you were. *shakes head with smile*”
24. “You are always helping others even when you don’t try.”
25. “I am grateful that God put you in my path. You enrich my life just by entering into it and sharing parts of yourself with me”
26. “You are a precious soul and you speak such beautiful words. Thank you for sharing what I know is VERY hard to express.”
27. “You made smile and feel not so alone in a very crowded room “
28. “You mean the world to me. It has been so much more difficult these past days for missing you. You are an amazing gift!”
29. “Thank you. I haven’t felt this light hearted in years…………..”

I hope the Author of each of these knows exactly what their beautiful words mean to me. I will forever treasure your thoughts and friendship.  Please know that as you believe in me, I too believe in you. With all that I am.

“Never underestimate the power of your words. Tell someone how they have impacted you … before it’s too late. Never expect them to “just know”. They won’t know and it will change their lives once you do”. Peaceful Musings (me)

Thursday, 8 October 2009

I am feeling stronger these days. I’m loving the journey and appreciative of the love and support I am receiving from some wonderful friends. Had my first appointment on Tuesday with the Psychologist.  I’m not a fan about talking about suppressed memories cause their suppressed for a reason! I promise myself and for that of my daughters that I will go to more than 2 appointments this time. I owe them that. I owe them the right to a Mother that some days loses complete interest in life. One that finds no joy at times and questions her ability as a good role model.  For this exact reason, I need to seek some of external assistance. I am learning that after 18 years, I am not able to do it on my own.

Sunday, 4 October 2009

Well, I’ve just returned from a little holiday with the family. My mind is clearer and less confused. I arrived home, logged into Twitter to be greeted to some amazing messages. What a confidence boost!! My appointment is booked with the Psychologist and is scheduled for Tuesday 6 October 2009.

Wednesday, 30 September 2009

Another wasted day. Wasted in unsavory thought processes that poison my mind. I’m not stupid. I know that I am only hurting myself. I’m not suicidal, please don’t think that – not this time anyhow.  I’m merely lost. Lost in my thoughts. Lost in general.

I received some inspiring comments to my latest Blogs which have helped me see things a little differently. I won’t lie, there is a common theme amongst them. Words of love, like minded thoughts, people telling me I am not alone and that I have in turn inspired them. I worry that my Blog is too depressing and from that, I do struggle with the comprehension of being inspirational. I hope tomorrow is brighter. It is my husband’s birthday and I must be strong enough to wear the smile he deserves.

Tuesday, 29 September 2009

I start my diary today. One that might become my savor.

Today I learned nothing. Just more pain. More feelings of being alone. How can I explain how I feel when even I don’t understand. Saw a Doctor today. Passed the “Neurological Assessment”. Wow, I feel completely mental even needing one in the first place.

Next step … *cringes* Psychologist. There. I said it. To even begin to imagine that I am ‘damaged’ enough to need that kind of help terrifies me and saddens me even more.

I need to be strong for that of my children. They ’save me’ every day.

“You can search throughout the entire universe for someone who is more deserving of your love and affection than you are yourself, and that person is not to be found anywhere.  You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe deserve your love and affection.” ~ Buddha

Today, I visited a place I prefer not to go. It’s not a physically place. More of an emotional one. While on this ‘journey’, I met with someone and I was asked by them, “If I could grant you one wish. One wish that could change ANYTHING in your life, what would it be? I already knew the answer to that before they finished the question. “Easy”, I replied. “Me”.  If you were asked that very same question, what would your answer be?

My answer seem so effortless. Did that make me depressed? Was something ‘wrong’ with me. Was I more than a “damaged soul”. I knew what was to come. They asked “What would you change about you? Something physical?” Not at all, I thought.

For me, it’s deeper than that. So much deeper. I haven’t quite mastered how to transpose it into words yet. Perhaps this is part of my “journey” also. Can I be fixed? I ask myself that question almost every day.

I fell off the rails yesterday. Like always, nothing needed to happen, as such. It’s a build up of emotions. It never goes away and the only thing that seems to vary is my coping ability. Note to Self: For fear of judgement from others, steer clear of Twitter at times like this.

My greatest problem is I run. When ‘things’ (emotions, pain, life) get too hard, I leave. Leave life, basically. I was never taught to face my problems. Well, we all know that I wasn’t taught much of any use. I fear that I will hurt those close to me when I am down like this. Not physically of course, but emotionally. I know the pain I feel and have felt all my life won’t ever be healed. I just hope I find the strength to accept how it is.  That this IS good enough. My goal was to convert hate to forgiveness, as part of the #aussiegirlchallenge, as set by @TormentedOne on Twitter. I have failed this.

Forgive, sounds good …
Forget, I’m not sure I could.
They say time heals everything
But I’m still waiting …

You might have guessed, I don’t know how to accept love, gratitude, compassion, etc… all the things I in fact crave. Why? I don’t really know why, but I know I was never taught. Instead, I learned to give to others, what in turn I really wanted for myself. My own way of “Paying it Forward“

There is no healing for me. The pain lives inside. Rearing its ugly head. For now, I will need to ‘discover’ instead. For me, I have everything but I also have nothing.

“We are all juice boxes with many straws. Once you are sucked dry, who will fill you up?” ~ My Fangirl

“In ordinary life we hardly realize that we receive a great deal more than we give, and that it is only with gratitude that life becomes rich.” ~ Dietrich Bonhoeffer

Today I would like to focus on gratitude. Was it is I am grateful for in my life. I know there is good, even great things in my life and I would like to do my best to share them. Like some of you, I am sure; it is much easier to focus on what we don’t like in our lives or about ourselves.

This is part of my journey. Part of the #aussiegirlchallenge presented to me by @TormentedOne. She, through her own selfless desire to help others, is teaching me that there is joy in life. Much joy. More importantly for me, there are people out there that have the same care and compassion as I do.

Here, I will the things I feel grateful for. I will continue to expand on this as I learn and heal.

I am grateful for:

• the love of my husband. His devotion to me over the past 18 years has been faultless.
• the love of my two beautiful little girls. Without them, I would be nothing. They really do ‘complete me’.
• the love of my Mother and Father in-law. They have show me that there is love in the world. Just when I thought there was nobody. They came to me.
• the love and support of my real life friends. Despite me withdrawing myself from real life and staring into a computer to gain support, they are always there. With loving emails. Text messages. I love each any one of them with all my heart. I appreciate their patience with me.
• the house in which I live. My no means is it a Castle, but it is my Castle. It is my home. It protects and houses from the cold, those things I hold most dear. My family.
• the strength I find each day.
• the appetite that slowly, very slowly, is coming back.
• the precious sleep I get. While it is never enough. It is in done so in a warm and cosy bed shared with the man I love.
• the love and support of my Twitter friends. Twitter was a place for me to escape my real life thoughts and troubles. A place I could escape the pain of my hurt. I would like to tell the following people that I appreciate you in my life. That you have made a difference. Whether it be my making me laugh, smile, have shown me love, support, courage, strength. All feelings I had lost. For that, I am thankful. I don’t normally like doing this because each of you have touched me in some way. Some more, much more, than others. If your name is not here, please don’t think you have not impacted me in some way. Know in your own heart that you DO make a difference. This list will also be expanding.
  • @Katrinabtw cause you are the one that started it all. Your own Blog, your words of inspiration, your various outlets of expressing yourself gave me the strength to start my own Blog. Without you, this  journey would have never begun. I hope you realise how special you are.
  • @TormentedOne for give me eyes to see that open door. For showing me the strength to fight these feelings.
  • @insignificant_1 for believing in me. For her friendship and love. I want her to know that despite the Twitter name she gave herself, she is not and never will be insignificant to me.
  • @Tequila_Kitty for her devotion to making others feel special. Her love. Her compassion. You have shown me that people care. I love your caring thoughts and hugs each day.
  • @DibieDoo for sending me so much love that each day I wake, there is always a “Love to you” in my @replies. This has given me the strength to go on each day.
  • @RedRedWine_ for making me laugh with her wicked ways and for coming to me when she needed someone to talk to. By doing so you showed me that I am worthy. I can help. I am always here for you.
  • @AprilFool26 for again making me laugh. With your warped sense of humor, we often refer to ourselves as ’soul mates’ of the female kind (lol). I hope you know the difference you have made in my life is showing me again that there are others out there that feel my pain. That hurt to and that I am no alone.
  • @SpreadingJoy for all the wondrous joy she spreads throughout Twitter. It brightens up my feed each day.
  • @Justme_Angela for taking the time each day to get to know me more. For her kind words and genuine love and support.
  • @Marristar for making me laugh. For showing me that it is ok to laugh at yourself. To take a million photo’s of yourself in the bathroom (lol). I haven’t really laughed in a long time and I want you to know that you are one of many that are helping me on that journey.
  • @Ellectrocutie for being my Angel. Your avatar always looks like a beaming Angel to me. One that has been sent to me to genuinely show that you care. You are a kind soul and I hope you realise how special you are.
  • @RayLokison for showing me that you can love and friendship comes in all shapes and sizes. You have given me so much joy since you have been in my life. Your words of encouragement, love and support mean the world to me.
  • @MrRayOfSunshine for being exactly that. A brilliant ray of sunshine, even on the darkest of days. You are always there, whether it be in my feed, my DMs showing your support of me. Who I am and who I want to be. Never change. Your loved just the way you are.
  • @tuBreal for seeing something in me that I didn’t see in myself. That I am worth it. Thank you
  • @Lady_Carissa for her wonderful quotes that make me laugh, smile and ponder. I want you to know that you bring joy to everyone around you by being yourself.
  • @LilGrasshopper for being my “monada”. (*giggles*). You my little grasshopper are a wonderful, caring soul. You have a heart of gold. I have been witness to a beautiful change in you. I am thankful to have you in my life and to see you grow.
  • @F_knbrilliant for being open with me. For showing me that you believe in me enough to share your thoughts and feelings with me. Your friendship is special to me and has assisted in my journey here.

There are so, so many more I am grateful to know and that have impacted my life. This list is by no means exhausted. I am grateful for each and everyone one of you.

Now, I ask you this. What is it you are grateful for? I ask that today, right after you have read this, you write down those things you are grateful. Pick up the phone. Write an email. Send a text. Post a tweet. Dedicate your Facebook or MySpace status to someone that has made a difference in your life. Tell them. What are you waiting for? What have you got to lose? Nothing. Absolutely nothing.

Goal of the Day and Every other day

Tell someone what you appreciate about them. Tell them how they have touched your heart.

Do it now. Before it is too late. Go!

“At times our own light goes out and is rekindled by a spark from another person. Each of us has cause to think with deep gratitude of those who have lighted the flame within us.” Albert Schweitzer

About 5 days ago, I was in a dark place. A dark place in my mind. I was not happy. That was nothing new. I hide my true feelings well … most of the time. Those close to me, that see the pain in my face know when I have reached the point that I struggle to return from on my own. I push them away. I turn to anger.

But when I am at such a point in my life. I do the opposite to what I potentially need. I push people away. I become a turtle. A recluse. It’s not for any other reason than to refrain from hurting anyone further. I don’t wish to burden anyone with my worries. I prefer to help others. I don’t wish to be the one that requires the ‘help’.

This time though. I resorted to writing it down.

I simply had enough. My heart could not take anymore. I powered through and wrote a new Blog. I was not planning on ‘releasing it to the world’ and had only planned on venting my feelings and frustrations where I felt safe. Somewhere nobody would see it.

However, something was different after I typed my ‘rant’. Something ‘made’ me release the link out to the world of Twitter and Facebook – to friends, strangers, the unknown.  I was worried after I hit that button and it was sent. Gone. Done. No taking it back now. I had to be open to whatever came of it.

It was only a matter of hours before my Blog had reached 150 hits. That’s overwhelming in itself – to me at least.  However, the amount of people that I had contact me directly to offer words of wisdom, encouragement and love is something I will never forget nor did I expect. It was such an angry Blog. How someone found love through that is beyond me.

Of course, there were those that read it (from the Blog stats) and for whatever reason felt they could not acknowledge that fact with me. That’s ok. I guess they cared enough to read it in the first place or perhaps they were simply curious. In the end why they went there is of no concern to me.

I always wanted to be a Counsellor. I love to help people. In my mind I could never be someone that helped others. I need help myself. Why would anyone want help from someone that clearly was unable to ‘fix’ themselves.

As I write this, I am indeed overwhelmed by generosity and compassion. I’m crying. Not because I am sad, but because I feel completely undeserving of this. Why me? What did I do that was so deserving? Did I miss something? I am not use to being the ‘helped’. I prefer to be ‘helper’, as I said. I’m learning though.

I have many insecurities in life, as we all do. But mine exist from my childhood. As I said, I never developed any friendships growing up. Nobody I could call a friend. More people that I would get to know for a few months before Mum would pack up and moves us again. I struggled to make friends. I was very shy.

I began to be very inward in terms of my thinking. I never knew how to talk to people about how I felt. I never felt safe enough to. I was vulnerable. Oh so vulnerable. What if they didn’t like me? I need to be funny. I need to make them laugh. Maybe then they would like me? I use to think (and probably still do) that I need to become what I think the other person seeks, just so they like me. I try to fit in. I would keep my feelings bottled up until I would explode. Explode would mean constant thoughts of death. I wanted to end it all. I had no hope. I could see no good in me being here. What was I here to offer? I’m not cured from those thoughts. but I’m getting better.

Recently, I was told on Twitter was that I was being deceptive by creating another identity where I was wearing ‘a mask’, as a friend of mine called it (@TormentedOne). Under that identity I thought I could be more ‘me’. Show the caring side of my nature. The one that wants to help people. Talk about things and not feel as though I was judged against who I was in my other account. I was me in that other account, but I guess I was trying to be MORE who I thought I needed to be to be liked. It was still very much me.

I was completely crushed that someone, that did not know me could say that. They did not know or understand my pain. They did not know that I was hoping to heal a part of me by having that Anonymous account. I know that each obstacle in life is handed to us so we can learn something from it. I don’t know as yet what I have learnt from that experience. It will come to me though, I am sure. I harbour no resentment. I wish it never happened, that’s all.

One beautiful soul on Twitter has introduced me to a large gathering of very loving and supportive people that have a wager on me winning a ‘30 day challenge’.  Where the end result is me converting the word ‘hate’ in my vocabulary to ‘forgiveness’. I have accepted the challenge and welcome anything that presents itself to me.

It is with greatest appreciation that I thank @TormentedOne for the offer of the Challenge and the support group she has offered me. I would not have been led to this person if it wasn’t for @TigerlillyRawr. Thank you. I thank @lovemy4sons for inspiring @TormentedOne which led her to dedicate the most wonderful gift to me. One of her Blog’s titled “A Challenge Presented“. Please take the time read her words of Courage and hope.

I have taken down my Blog titled “My Childhood – A Memoir”. I feel I need to continue writing it and I am contemplating posting it again without a password. That in itself is a major step for me. Will I be judged? What will they think? Will they laugh? Will they understand? So many questions. But, the more I write this and reflect on the care and compassion of others, I find strength in knowing that I can face any ridicule.

I would like to say THANK YOU to those that follow me on this journey with me. I appreciate you wanting to know me and by reading this, you show me that you want to understand me also. For that I am grateful.

#AussieGirlChallenge!

To those that support me, I dedicate this to you.

If you hate a person, you hate something in him that is part of yourself.  What isn’t part of ourselves doesn’t disturb us.  ~Herman Hesse

I am an emotional being. I struggle to process these feelings I have.  I don’t like having the word “hate” in my vocabulary, but today I think I can use it.

I really do hate you.

• I hate everything you represent.
• I hate you for what you have made me.
• I hate you for loving you.
• I hate every thought of you.
• I hate the pain you give me.
• I hate that I am torn.
• I hate that I want to love you.
• I hate that I can’t love you.
• I hate that you hurt me.
• I hate that you have NO idea that you HAVE hurt me.
• I hate that you will never know me.
• I hate that you will never understand me.
• I hate that you will never know them.
• I hate that I cannot let you in my life.
• I hate that nobody will ever understand this.
• I hate what you have done.
• I hate that you are alone.
• I hate that you hurt.
• I hate that you cry.
• I hate that I care.
• I hate everything that you are.

But. Most of all, I hate the fact … that you are my Mother.

I need to let you go. I know you can never be in my life. Ever. I wish that it could be different. I wanted nothing more than your love.

Those of you who follow Tyler Perry plays and film know that Tyler’s performers, particularly the singers, have extraordinary skills.  FathersFootprints is very fortunate to have as a special guest, singing sensation – Chandra Currelley.

A former lead singer for the S.O.S. band, Chandra has spent the last several years touring with the Tyler Perry stage production cast, with roles in Madea’s Class Reunion and What’s Done in the Dark.  Chandra is also responsible for the theme song “Love Again“ featured in the film, Diary of a Mad Black Woman.

Chandra is a Helen Hayes and NAACP Phoenix Award Nominee. Her excellent vocal skills have opened many doors for her over the past few years. She worked with Legendary Jazz vibraphonist Roy Ayers, whom Chandra toured with in 1986 and recorded a song on the album “I’m The One”.  She has also released two CD’s (see Discography below).

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Discography

Love Songs

2005 © Copyright-Chandra Currelley

1. I Want You
2. You Protected My Heart
3. I Wanna Love, Again
4. Unconditional Love
5. Someone Made For Me
6. No Secrets
7. When You Wait
8. Time With You
9. Sure About That
10. Squeeze Me

(click CD cover rt. to sample songs or purchase CD)

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The Real Me

2007 © Copyright-Chandra Currelley

1. The Real Me
2. Nothing Can Take You Away
3. Peace
4. All Your Love
5. These Moments
6. The Little Things
7. Think About It
8. Kiss and Tell
9. Always There
10. Your Word

(click CD cover rt. to sample songs or purchase CD)

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We were fortunate to catch up with Chandra for this rare blog interview.  Although extremely busy and pressed for time, Chandra kept her word to provide us this interview.  Enjoy.

FathersFootprints: You are an actress and a singer.  What performance are you most proud of, and why?

Chandra: I would say the performance I’m most proud of would have to be “Dinah Was” the life story of singer Dinah Washington. It was my first lead role where i carried a play with my acting as well as my singing.

FathersFootprints: You have worked on several Tyler Perry projects.  What is it like to work with Mr. Perry?

Chandra: What I love most about working with Tyler is that you will always deal with your relationship with God.  His work will challenge you as a believer and cause you to look introspectively at your life and how you’re helping to advance the kingdom of God.

FathersFootprints: Not many people can say that they are a part of one of the most recognizable names in Black music.  Tell us about your experience as lead singer with the S.O.S. Band in the late 80’s and early 90’s.

Chandra: My experience as lead vocalist for the S.O.S Band was awesome. I had the chance to travel the world and perform in numerous stadiums and arenas. So many people never get the chance to be a part of the music industry.  The SOS gave me the opportunity.

FathersFootprints: Your CD entitled The Real Me (released in 2007), debuted at number 10 on CDbaby’s top 20.  What is the major difference between your Love Songs CD and the current release?

Chandra: I am so grateful my CD did so well on the charts. The primary differences between the two are the CD entitled “The Real Me” is all inspirational with a more urban sound.

FathersFootprints: What can we expect from Chandra in future?

Chandra: You can certainly expect more plays and film.  Also I’m working on my live concert and making it a DVD. I’ll have all my projects posted on my website http://chandracurrelley.com/.

FathersFootprints: What advice do you have for aspiring artists, particularly aspiring gospel artist?

Chandra: I don’t consider myself to be a traditional gospel singer, so my battle is the same, but different. You must stand on the vision God has given you. Depend on no one but him. Sing as much as you can; sing wherever you can; and always try to work it out.  Most of all, keep God first in your life.  Matthew 6:33 says, “Seek ye first the kingdom of God and His righteousness; and all things will be added unto you.”

We simply couldn’t sign off without providing you a Youtube clip of Chandra’s extraordinarily, spirit-filled performance of Jehovah Jireh in Tyler Perry’s What’s Done In The Dark. (click the video then click Watch Video on Youtube)

Please visit Chandra’s website at http://chandracurrelley.com .  Also vote Chandra Currelley for “best female vocalist” at www.thegospelchoiceawards.com.

Until next time,

Copyright © 2009

Chapter One – Living with Fear

Where does one begin? Do I really want to? In all honesty, no I don’t want to but I feel to enable me to move on in life, such a thing needs to happen. Airing of matters, if you will.

I had a rather tumultuous growing up – for want of a better term. Sure, there is always someone out there fighting a harder battle, but for me, this was my battle and hence, I will focus on it.

My Father was abusive to my Mother. Never to us – that I recall. I was witness to many, MANY beatings, fights, even the use of sharp instruments.  I was literally terrified as a child by the 2 people that are suppose to be those ‘nurturers’ I talked about in my earlier Blog.

I would hide, trembling under tables, in cupboards, in bushes hoping to escape the noise, the screaming, the yelling, the abuse (physical and emotional). It was my duty to protect the (very) innocent. That being my baby sister. She was newborn when it all started.  Sure, I grew up extraordinarily fast. Faster than any child should.

At this point of my life, the man I was innately meant to ‘adore’ I, even so young, loathed.  Sure, there must have been fun times. Where I would have laughed and enjoyed myself. But these are not memories I have. I learnt early that I needed to be strong to survive this. When I say early, I mean mid-teens, you know, the ‘troublesome’ years, like 14-16 years.

My last memory of my Father actually living with us was when I was cowered under the kitchen table, which was knocked over on its side, and he was standing there with a knife hanging out of his leg.  One my Mother threw at him. As I write this, I wonder what might have been if her aim was higher? In fact, was that her intention and she was just a poor shot? I guess I will never really know.

Even after this, things were never easy. There were the ‘custody/access’ visits, Court hearings – who would raise us? Who was the better role model. Why should a Court system, a Judge even, (who does not even know ‘us’) get the right to decide such a major decision?

Living with our Mother was the way it was apparently mean to be.  Access or Custody visits occurred for a few weekends. But not for a very long. My Father had moved on and while I did not feel an issue with it – that I recall anyhow, my Mother certainly did. Her way of getting ‘back at him’ was to take what ‘he loved’ away from him … US.

Selfishly, she felt this was a good thing to do. I cannot, for the life of me, see how that could have benefited anyone … but her. I did not enjoy the constant questions of ‘her’ (Father’s new girlfriend). What was ’she’ like. What does ’she’ look like. Keep in mind, I am only about 6 years old now. I don’t think I had mentioned my age until now.

The love of my life was my beloved, may she RIP, Grandmother. I loved her with all I had. Even at 6 and younger. I would love nothing more than visiting her and sharing her wisdom with her. I call it that now, but back then, I was too young to understand how much she would teach me.

She taught me that there is love. There is compassion. There is a safe place.  I mean, God love her, she could not cook for the life of her but I will always remember her soft boiled eggs and toast cut into fingers. Ah, the simple pleasures of life.

I dedicated to her anything and everything that I would draw and colour in. She was my Father’s Mother. Her husband (my Grandfather) died when I was 11 months old so I have no recollection or, unfortunately, memories of him. I have a a couple of photo’s, which I cherish.

Again, a short time into my special one-on-one moments with my beloved Grandmother, my Mother thought it would be ‘best’ that we no longer see our Grandmother. No reason. Simply because ’she said so’.  Again, my Mother was doing her damnedest to get back at my Father. For us, seeing our Grandmother meant that we could see our Father too.  Gifts would always be given and while I appreciated it back then, I knew what I craved  for was so much more than any gift could give me.

By about 8 years of age, I started to dislike my Mother. I just did not understand the emotion I was feeling. She took away from me so much in such a short time. My were ‘banned’ from seeing anyone in her family cause they were ‘bad’. Christmas would consist of just us. I mentioned in another Blog that you ‘can’t miss, what you haven’t got’. Yeah, well in this case, I was missing it … but I would not realise it for many years to come.

I was always estranged from my Mother’s side of the family. I think we visited her parents only a dozen or so times early on.  I was never close to them. I was a stranger. That side of the family was large. Five siblings in total and many Cousins.

Let me stop for a moment and question myself. Am I achieving anything by writing this? My intention for writing this is to assist me in my ‘healing’ process. I will continue and see where it takes me. I accept the journey.

As time went on, I never felt like a belonged anywhere as we moved every 2-3 months, so making friends was hard on me and I became quite introverted and shy. My Mother was never particularly affectionate. Affection or attention … actually … LOVE is what I needed and wanted. I never felt it. Only from one person. My Grandmother. In her own way, my Mother was loving me.

Speaking of Grandma, I was never permitted to see her again. Ever. Cause, according to my Mother, Grandma was ‘evil’ and nothing good could come of seeing them. So, out of the picture now was all of my Mother’s family, my Father and my beloved Grandmother.

All we were allowed was my Mother. Completely her. Never to be shared. I felt suffocated.

By around 10 years of age, she had met a man. He was from Malta if I recall. We lived in a small flat and he would visit my room at night. Of course, typical storyline, my Mother never believed me and took his side. Again, my young, new and uneducated heart was torn. How could she take his side over mine? Someone she had not known all that long over her own flesh and blood. What had I ever done to lose her trust?

Thankfully, that relationship ended.

Continually moving, I still never found a friend. Someone I could talk to or even play with. We were only allowed to play with her … my Mother.

Another man entered our life and would stay over and things seemed almost normal, but again, for some reason it was short lived. He abandoned us … as my Mother would tell us. That abandonment was something that my Mother never really got over. It only catapulted her personality into a place that even I am still trying to understand.

At age 11, she would meet the Father to my youngest Sister. (she was born when I was 13). He was a quiet man. Introverted, shy. She clearly was the controlling one in the relationship. Unfortunately, they divorced when I was about 13 or 14.

It would be at the ripe age 15 she would meet another man. This man would even spend time in jail. She would visit him often which meant that she would be gone for days as the Prison was in another State. I was always the babysitter. She talked of ‘promises’ of having him live with us. I was never excited about that prospect. Surely, you can imagine why.

Sure enough though, by the time he was released and he moved in, things started to change. He became physically abusive. It was never us, just our Mother. We would hear yelling, screaming and banging. She would beg him to hold her, love her. Something I did not understand then. Why would she be wanting. craving, asking for this man that would abuse for something he clearly was incapable of providing her with.

I recall one day there was another fight. For whatever reason, one I may never know the answer to, I was stronger. I was no longer the little girl cowering under the table. I was bigger. More mature. Courageous even. With this new found strength I stood up to him. Shoved him, pushed him and even slapped him. Of course, I had the same done to me. Not by him, by my Mother. The very person I was trying to protect.

Still, I was strong. I started throwing his clothes out of the house and telling him to leave. I threatened to call the Police. I had cut my wrist on a mirror that broken when I was pushed by my Mother.  I needed him gone.

He left. Never to be heard of again. I was never forgiven for breaking up another relationship. Remember, I apparently broke up the earlier one by telling lies about him visiting my room at night. Oh silly me! Of course it’s my fault.

Throughout the years, even up to the age of 14, my sisters and I were always sick. Something ‘never quite right’. My sisters were ‘diagnosed’ with Epilepsy. She would tell me that I would twitch in my sleep and even convulse. I was sent to many sleep laboratories to ‘test’ me to find a cause for this unusual problem.

I was never diagnosed with Epilespy or anything else, but my Mother would insist that I needed my Sisters medication to ‘fix me’. I would do everything I could to avoid this. I would hide them … anything so I did not have to have them. I knew I was not sick. I mean, I was being made sick, yes, but I had nothing requiring medical treatment.

I am giving you a summised version of my life. To give you the full version would require, I don’t know, it’s own book! There was that much mental, physical and verbal abuse from her. But, I had to endure it as much as my sisters did. We had nobody to turn to. Nobody knew where we were due to us moving to much. I was isolated.

The older I got, the more her and I clashed. I was emerging as the strong one more and more. Someone that would challenge her decision in life. Her choices. She would disappear a lot and it would be my responsibility to take care of my siblings – one 13 years younger and the other 4 years younger. I would dress them, bathe them, feed them, care for them, love them. Where did my childhood go? I blinked and it disappeared. Did I have it and didn’t realise? Was it not worthy of being retained in my memory?

At the age of 16, I met my (now) husband. He was 5 years older than me. We did not get any time alone as Mum always had to come on ‘dates’ with us. I was never allowed to grow on my own.

Four months into our relationship; and probably the best day of my life, Mum and my sisters came home. We fought as usual. I tried to kill myself … yet again. I tried so many times. I could never do anything drastic. I would take an overdose of meds, I tried cutting my wrists. Alas, I am still here. I wanted my misery of a life to end. Death was surely better than the nightmare I was living in. To put the misery into words is very hard.

But … back to this one day. My Mother gave me an ultimatum. During one of our many fights she said “you have a choice, it’s him or us”. At 16 I thought I knew enough to say “I choose him!” She told me to leave the house and never return.  So I did.

The hardest and most heartbreaking part of all was to leave my beautiful baby sister who was 3 and the other was 12. It was the youngest that was the hardest to leave. She was my little baby. I protected her and felt as though I raised her for the past 3 years.

I did it though. Left with very few belongings. My (now) in-laws took me into their home. Showed me enormous generosity and love. Welcoming me even though they did not know me. That moment I will forever cherish. It taught me so much … just in that simple moment.

Unfortunately, my ‘new life’ was not as easy as I first had hoped. I mean, his parents were the most wonderful people

Chapter Two – Feeling Abandoned

I started regretting my decision. I was scared. What had I done? Is this what I wanted?

I attempted to call my Mother but she would hang up on me. It was now me that had the feeling of abandonment.  I would write letters but each one would be “returned to sender”. Sometimes she would go a step further and open the letters and I would assume read them but then she would tear each page up into strips and put it back in the envelope and then “return to sender”. I would be crushed each time. The number of times this happened never did make it easier to cope with.

I had to be strong. My partner was a strong support. Being 5 years older, he showed more maturity than me. He encouraged me to follow my dream and I enrolled into College. I tried to contact Mum to let her know that I was doing ok.  But was I? To the eye perhaps, but deep down inside my core I was hurting. Badly. I had absolutely nobody. My Mother had refused us the right to any family and I did not know where anyone was. From where I was born and grew up, I was now 2 States away.

I started College and enjoyed it. It took my mind off things. I got some financial assistance from the Government to fund my Studies. However, it was about 4 months after starting that I received an Overdue Notice and threat of Legal Action from the Government for overpayment of my study assistance. I was shocked. From what I was told, I was being paid the minimum amount available to me. Eventually it was realised that my Mother was claiming financial assistance FOR me. Claiming that I was living with her and under her care. After some hassle, I was cleared of the debt.

My emotions would range from hurt, anger, frustration, pain, hate, love, need, etc. So many feelings still. Feelings I never would have expected to experience till I was older. Much older, if at all. I was by no means ok. I would attend Counselling sessions, Hypnotherapy, Pschychologists, etc to help cope through the pain. I will call it abandonment. Unfortunately, I would never keep any session going for very long. In the early days I would think “why do I need this?” “there is nothing wrong with me” “I am ok, I will be fine”. *laughs* yeah, right. Fine? Nothing wrong with me? I was wrong.

I was so deeply affected by this. I felt that the pain of reliving the Story with these people was more than I could bare. The pain of baring my soul made me feel vulnerable. I guess like now. I feel vulnerable for writing this, knowing you are reading it.  But, each day, I am getting stronger.

Probably about 2 months after my Mother kicked me out of home she moved. I lost her. Where did she go? She had my mobile number though. There was hope I thought. She would use that number now and then. One time she rang me and wanted to meet with me. I was hopeful thinking ‘this was it’. This was my moment to show her that I have done ok. Well, even.

I came home from College one day with a note from my partner’s mum that the Police had been. Of course, I was worried. But it was, of all people, my Father. He found me and wanted to talk again. I was in utter shock. I was excited and apprehensive at the same time. He was ‘evil’ remember. Anyhow, we would talk on the phone now and then. The conversations were never easy. I always felt strange calling him ‘Dad’. I did not know this person yet I gave him that honourable title?

Anyhow, the reason he got in contact with me was to tell me that my Grandmother was sick and they did not know how much longer she had. I was guttered. She had been sick for a long time with Cancer which affected her lungs and breasts. It apparently had been going on for a while, but it was only now that she was really sick. I had to be there. I had not seen her for 11 years. My Father was generous enough to pay for me to go to Sydney to see her (2 States away from me). The day could not come quick enough. My partner was coming with me. I was thrilled to have him by my side. I had 7 days to wait before I could leave.

I got a phone call. Two days before I was to leave. She died. She could not hang on I was told. I was utterly devastated. I collapsed. Why? Why me? Why her? Why now? Why not later when I had the chance to be reunited with her? Why did my Mother do this to me? Why did she take everything away from me? Why? Why? Why? So many questions. So, I still went to Sydney to ’see’ Grandma. However, it was not her I was seeing. It was her Coffin. That was an extremely hard day. I was seeing a family I never knew and farewelling someone that I was only thinking days earlier that I was going to be reunited with.

We went to my Grandma’s house. I never knew it, but she was living in the same unit I recalled in my dreams. It had her smell. I could feel her there. There were still belongings there that was still being sorted through with the family. I wanted something. I did not know what. I felt undeserving of having something cause they did not know me. All I really wanted was her. I wanted my Grandma. I wanted to go back to the time we would go shopping. Where she would spend hours doing her hair and getting ready. She was always immaculate.

I was given 2 little ceramic piglets that were hers. My Dad thought that was a nice gesture. He also gave me some costume jewellery. However, it was the piglets I cherished the most. It was the last gift I had bought for my Grandma. My Dad did not know that I had bought them though.

While I was in Sydney, I rang my Nana and Pop (my Mother’s parents). Thankfully they were stable people and Dad had their details. I rang them and spoke to Nana. I told her I was there for the weekend attending my Grandma’s funeral and wanted to know if I could meet with them. Thinking … “one door closes, another door opens”. But, of course not. She said “No, I don’t think that’s a good idea. We heard what happened. Goodbye dear”.  What?!

How much more pain can I take. It was literally killing me on the inside. A piece of me was dying. Each time I had more and more rejection whether it be by my Nana or by the death of my Grandma. Yes, I oddly took her death as rejection. I know that she would never reject me, but it was how I would describe the pain I felt when she left me. Abandoned once more. What was wrong with me? Was I really THAT bad a person that nobody would want me in their life?

We met in an open place. She had a habit of being late and this time was obviously no exception. For whatever reason, I decided to wait the hour before she came.  It was a nervous meeting. Not particularly natural. I was different I guess. It was after we met again that the phone calls and verbal abuse would start. She would say I was ‘worthless’, I ‘would never amount to anything’, ’she wishes she never had me’. I can’t lie. Those words hurt. Hurt more than anything I had already endured. Damn it, I was proud of myself. But the feeling of self-worth I had been working on was promptly shattered.

My partner and I built a home together. It was to be the start of a new life for me but Mum changed. She turned against me. Everything she did was in an attempt to hurt me more. She would call the Police and tell them that my partner was physically abusing me – which he WAS NOT. Silly me felt trusting and told her where I was living thinking what’s so bad having your Mother knowing where you lived and where you worked. I quickly regretted being open with her. She phoned my Boss one and told him that I was giving out confidential information, which was obviously a breach of my Confidentiality Agreement I had signed. Thankfully, I did not lose my job.

Why was she doing this to me?

Her personality was like a wave in the ocean. You never knew when the big wave was coming! She had too many Tsunami episodes for my liking. I quickly learned to be more secretive with her when she would ring me on a ‘good day’. I would be vague about things and generalise the answers to her questions about me and the things I was doing.

Again, I am struggling to put into words the raw emotion behind the feelings I had at this time of my life. There were so many emotionally draining moments that they all seems fuse into one big shitty life, to be honest.

I tried to accept that I was not able to protect my Sisters anymore. I could not accept it. I was angry. I needed to save them. How? I was no match for my Mother. I tried an approach where I was obliging. I would agree with everything she would say in the hope I could see my Sisters. One day she let me have the elder of the two. I picked her up from the bus stop and she was to stay for the weekend. It was awkward, but I was determined to make it work. To help. To get inside her head and make her see the damage Mum was doing.

That was my undoing. She would return to Mum and told her EVERYTHING. It was done. I knew my chance was blown.

Over the next few years there would be more phone calls, letters. She ranged in emotions. She loved me. She hated me. She wanted me. She despised me. I was confused. She would tell me MANY stories of various things happening to sexual abuse towards my Sisters, attacks, injuries, etc. These would lead her to a multitude of Court cases where she would make claims against various individuals AND organisations for injuries sustained.

I would call her bluff a lot. It was common for her exaggerate things. She seemed to like sympathy. She told me once that my Sister was in Hospital. She was sick she said. She had Schizophrenia, Bi-Polar and was trying to kill herself. At first I did not believe her. But I was being eaten up inside by the thoughts of letting my Sister down. I rang the Hospital that Mum said she was in and when I asked for her by name, I was told there was nobody there by that name.

I had not previously mentioned, but my Mum had a habit of falsification. She would legally (somehow!) change her name. So, with this in mind I rang back and asked for my Sister again but with a different surname. This time, she said she was there. OMG. Shock. I explained who I was and she said she knew of me. I was surprised about that. I asked what state of mind she was in and she explained and basically confirmed what Mum had told me. I hated myself for leaving it so long to ring to confirm the story.

Anyhow, I asked would it be ok to speak to my Sister or would it cause more harm. The Nurse said that she thought it would be a good idea. I was excited and nervous. I did not know what to say. I asked how she was and it was reasonably normal until something changed. She snapped. She started yelling at me asking why was I ringing her NOW. Why am I ringing her when I don’t care she asked. She continued to yell and tell me that I left her. I don’t care. This was painful yet again. She confirmed all I had worried about. She felt as though I had abandoned her.

I wondered if this was how my baby sister felt. I failed. I left them when they needed me. What a horrible person I am. I hung up and could only apologise to her. I rang back and asked the Nurse if she was ok and she said that she would be. That wasn’t enough. That was the last time I spoke to my Sister. About 10 years ago. To this day I have no forgiven myself for leaving her. Clearly she needed me and I was too selfish to see.

When my baby sister was about 14 years old, I was able to have her for the weekend. I would take a completely different approach this time. Even though it was the other Sister. I would let her talk. Let her give to me what I needed to know. I wanted to know that they she was ok without me. That I had not abandoned her also.

She was strong. She talked of wonderful things. Of becoming an Architect, buying a home. I was so pleased. Unfortuantely, Mum was still feeding them both the medication. My Sister came to us for the weekend with a 4 page document explaining all the things that she was allowed and not allowed to do. How many tablets she was suppose to have and how often. If you did not know the child, you would think she was writing about someone that was completely unable to fend for themselves.

It was after this visit that things changed again. Of course. I spoke to my Sister again but she had changed. Completely. Gone were the dreams of being an Architect and buying her own home. All she wanted was to have a Housing Commision home (Government offered). She talked only of Mum. How wonderful she was and how much she loved her. I could understand this because I knew the truth. Why could she not see it? Where had her drive gone and desire to be independent? My Mother won. She had made my little Sister dependent on her. That was her wish. She wanted us all to be dependent on her.

I started resenting Mum more and more. I did all I could to prove to Child Welfare that she was unfit. I would use the letters I had from her that clearly showed her unstable nature. I was unsuccessful. I was about 26 by this time and I was getting married. My Father was still in my life, off/on.

My partner and I talked over the idea of asking my Father for money to put towards the wedding. We did not need it as we had saved up what we needed, but his parents wanted to put in and said that  they would be offended if they did not help. I did not know if my Dad would be offended if we asked him or if we did not ask him. So, I took the chance and asked him. How did it go do you think?

Well, I went bad. Horribly bad. He started yelling at me down the phone saying that I was no better than my Mother and that all I wanted was his money. I explained to him that I did not need it etc, but it was no use. He had made up his mind that I was like my Mother. But how? How could he say I was like HER? The person I despised? There was nothing left of my broken heart.

I went into a major depression, yet again. In all honesty I seem to cycle in and out of it. The depth varies. Even older and apparently wiser, I tried suicide often. I couldn’t take any more hurt. Why was I such a terrible person?

So, I got married and had the most beautiful day. Everything was perfect … except, I had no family there. Nobody was there for me. I pretended that it did not upset me, but I always find Christmas and special moments like that hard. Despite that, I think the best person for the job walked me down the aisle. My father in law. What an amazing man.

Chapter Three – An attempt to Live

We continued to struggle to fall pregnant. After more emotional rollercoasters, all of a sudden, I fell pregnant. Despite what all the Doctors told us, I finally had some success in my life. I knew I could never tell my Mother about my joy. Something I always imagined she would be a part of. I knew it could never be cause she always threatened that if I ever had children that she would have them taken off me. She would prove that I was unfit.

I was fearful throughout the pregnancy, making sure I was to never slip up. Never tell anyone that somehow could lead to Mum. I had a few random phone calls from my Dad after the birth of my daughter. He would hear her in background and question it. I would say that I was babysitting. I could not risk him telling Mum. If they ever did speak.

Emotionally I was still damaged. I had all I ever wanted. A loving and supportive husband, a beautiful baby girl and we were building our dream home. Selfishly, it wasn’t enough. But … am I selfish? Should I want more? I struggle to accept that I am deserving of many things in life.

I started writing a Journal of how I felt. It’s intention was to talk about special moments my Mum was missing. It would be something I would give to her at a time when I felt safe to do so. More than likely her funeral. The last day I wrote in this Journal was when I found out I was pregnant with my second child.  I’m not sure why it was. I certainly wasn’t healed. I still had so much to say to her.

I struggled as a Mum to 2 kids. A business. A house. Everything. I had no support network. My girls were not the easiest. They cried and cried and cried when they were born. I was feeling incapable of many things by this point. All the self doubt I had came to the surface again. We forget sometimes that other Mum’s feel the same as me. I was not alone in that. Still, I fought this fight alone. As I always do.

One day I got a phone from my baby Sister. She wanted to talk. I was surprised cause the last time she conversed with me she was abusing me via email and calling all the names imaginable and blamed me for hurting Mum. This time was different. She wanted to talk. So I listened. She was starting to see Mum for who she really was. She kept asking me if I experienced various things, as she did. Listening to my sister tell me time and time again about the emotional and mental pain Mum was causing them made me feel hopeless.

I failed. I was the one that now abandoned them. I didn’t, I know that, but I left them when they had nobody else to protect them. I would learn that my middle sister took my role in the family unit. My role of being blamed for everything humanly possible, was now hers to bare. What had I done. I felt selfish.  To be honest, I truly blame myself for the state of mind of my middle sister. I see no hope for her recovery. I can’t be near her as the thought of me causes her pain and hallucinations.

I know that my sister is where she is purely for the emotional abuse of my Mother. The medication. The mind games. I have never given up her though and I never will. I miss her with my every being. I want to protect her, but don’t know how. She would be 30 now (2009).

My baby sister would be 21. 18 years gone. Their life. My life.

The day came my sister was to get married. She asked me to be there. I was nervous. I never doubted for a second that I would NOT be there, but it did mean seeing my Mother again and I never really know how that meeting will go. All I knew was that I needed to be there for my sister. Her support. Her guide. Her family.  For the weeks leading up to the wedding I would suffer from panic attacks, mood swings, depression, anger, fear, terror. I cannot express to you enough the hold she has over my emotions. I needed to be stronger than her. I need to control my thoughts.

The wedding was less than a month ago and I am still overcoming seeing her. Seeing my beautiful sister, who in my mind, was still only 3 years old get married is something I will never forget. Finally, I had something in my life that she could not take away from me. Little would she know that even I harbor secret. A secret that I will take to the grave for as long as she lives. A secret that only those NOT in contact with her know about. My secret is the best thing to happen to me. The gift of 2 beautiful girls. I was told that I would never have children. My Doctor after Doctor. I never accepted it and it took 7 years to receive my gift. I was determined not to have that taken away from me too. Mum told me once that if I ever had children, she would take them off me. It’s a chance I am NOT willing to take. She is an evilly smart woman.

There is so much more to this story, but this is the way I can tell it for now. I in no way am ok with not having my Mum in my life. I wish things could be different. I am learning to be a different person based on the pain I hold so deep. Her actions throughout my life and inaction has hurt me. Deeply. The lessons I have learned growing up is to run away from your problems. Never face them. I don’t know how to fix this. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to make my life the life I want it to be.

I am over the medication. The therapy. The analysis.

• I’m done.
• I’m tired.
• I’m lonely.
• I’m scared.
• I’m hungy.
• I’m a failure

This is my story for now.

to be continued …

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