Starting from the top: If you’ve ever been on the receiving end of a ’round robin’ Christmas letter, where everyone is spoken of in the third person, and you’re never quite sure which member of the family actually wrote it, you’ll have an inkling of why it matters to identify “the hosts” – who the invitation is officially from, and to whom they should RSVP, or direct any queries about the event. For a younger couple, whose parents are contributing significantly to the cost of the wedding, it’s most likely to be

If the couple have been together as a family unit for some time, and/or if they are responsible for most of the planning and financing of the wedding, it’s entirely appropriate for the invitation to begin something along the lines of:

or even just to begin with their names. In tradition-speak, using a phrase such as:

indicates a church or very formal wedding, a more casual event, or a wedding being held in a venue other than a church would read,

Does it really matter? Probably not. But at least if you know how it’s supposed to go, you have can make an informed decision about your wording.

Be clear about who is included in the invitation. If at all possible, list all invited guests by name – so that it’s clear whether they’re welcome to also bring their kids, partner, dog… whomever.  For the singles among your friends and family, if you possibly can, invite them “and guest”. Again, technically and traditionally, if the name is not on the invitation, the implication is that they are not invited. If you’re making a blanket exclusion, such as no children under a certain age to be present at the ceremony, for example, you should also state that in the body of the invitation.

Be sure to include the day, date and time, as well as the physical address of the ceremony and reception. Although your local friends and family will need less info, you’re probably not going to print different invitations for your out of town guests, so make sure you give enough information about the location of the ceremony and reception venues.

It’s perhaps worth clarifying the time for guests to arrive, and the time you expect the ceremony to start, which are two quite separate things!

The style of your invitation, and the formality of the wording, should give some clues about the ceremony style to your guests, but it’s also a good idea to let them know if there is a dress code, even if the code is casual. For example, f you’re planning to be barefoot on the beach, you should let your guests know they have that option in your invitation: beach casual or beach formal?

If you have a preference, for whatever reason, please let your guests know!  One of the most stunning events I’ve seen was an evening wedding where all the guests were directed to wear black or white. The bride wore red, the groom wore a red vest and tie, and the effect was stunning!

If you’d like your guests to wear jeans, or fancy hats, or mediaeval costume, you’ll need to say so, because unless specified, your guests will turn up in semi-formal attire.

RSVPs are tending to be more by email than by post, but I think it’s nice to keep the option of snail mail. We tend towards a postcard style insert in the invitation, so a guest simple adds their details and mails or hand delivers it back.- Email RSVP is convenient, but misses a layer of ritual that goes beyond a simple acknowledgement that one will turn up.

Be careful with the details you include on your RSVP cards, though – don’t turn them into an advertisement that a specific address will be unattended at this date and time!

Miss Manners believes that no mention of gifts or gift registries should be made in an invitation, on the theory that a gift is not expected, so even saying that you don’t want your guests to bring gifts is implying that they otherwise should. Traditional etiquette is that the guest should enquire of the host, when RSVPing.  I’d love to see a shift away from bringing gifts to the wedding venue – it can be a hassle for the couple to safely get the gifts back home. Far better to deliver your gift to the couple in person, or perhaps to send something around the time of the RSVP, in my opinion. But the gift table is a tradition that’s not going to go away any time soon, I suspect, so don’t mind me.

The invite should also specify details such as, if you plan to have a cash bar, and perhaps contain an insert for out-of-town guests to know accommodation and transport options etc.

Even if you’re using a professional print service, check, check and double-check all spelling, grammar, and details before you go to print!

Obligatory shameless self promotion: The Wedding Whisperer partners with a great little local print company, offering custom designed invites, often cheaper than you could do them yourself! Please do pop in and browse through the giant book of samples, or if you’ve seen something online, send us the link, and we’ll let you know if we can do it for you!

Now… having learned and understood all the rules, the next post is all about how to break them…

Q: Do we need to hire a Wedding Planner? Like, isn’t that just for brides in the movies!?

So what does a Wedding Planner actually DO?
I can’t speak for other wedding planning services, but here’s how it works at The Wedding Whisperer: What we DON’T do, is sweep in and take over the process, according to some set formula.
The first thing we do is listen. We want to hear your dreams, no matter how crazy. We want to know what you already have planned, what your preferences are, how much wriggle room is in your budget.
We take careful note of the details that are vitally important to you, as well as the things you’re feeling worried about. Then we work WITH you, letting you do all the fun stuff, and making sure the boring, frustrating, and time-consuming [but oh, so essential] stuff gets done as well. You get the benefit of the knowledge and know-how that  we’ve gathered through years of coordination, and the perks that come from our relationships with vendors we’ve worked alongside in that time.
The Wedding Whisperer is simply working  to help your entire day go as smoothly  as possible – having a Wedding Planner gives you both peace of mind and sound, professional advice. Your Wedding Planner is a professional who knows the wedding industry, and has  resources to plan your wedding with you.
[In my opinion, there's no such thing as  “just a few hours of wedding co-ordination”. Not if  you're doing it well. If you really, truly think you only need someone to ride herd for an hour or two,  then you don't need a wedding planner, you need a temp PA.]

What kinds of people use a Wedding Planner?
People just like you.

Every wedding is different. Some clients want a professional wedding planner to plan their wedding from start to finish for them. Some are traveling into the area, and struggling to pull the details together from a distance. Others are  working professionals, of full time parents, [or both at once] who simply don’t have the time to get all of the planning done themselves. Most commonly, the couples I work with have started the planning process themselves, and somewhere along the way have found it’s all a bit too much, and call us in to help. The key is that your  wedding is perfectly planned and carried out, so that you can relax and enjoy every part of the planning, as well as the wedding day itself.

 How can we choose the right Wedding Planner for our style of wedding?
Just like everything else about your wedding, there are choices to be made, and you need to take your time and consider your options before committing to one or the other. Choosing the person who will choreograph and direct your wedding is HUGE, but the most important thing is really simple:
Do you feel confident in this person to carry out the task? There’s absolutely no point in entrusting your wedding plans to someone else unless you feel comfortable leaving it all to their direction.
Price is way, way down the list. Many wedding planners offer a “free” service, and the old adage is true – there really is no such thing as a free wedding breakfast! No matter how much we love weddings, they’re hard work!
You should know that even if you’re not being directly billed by the person who is doing all that hard work, you can be sure you’re paying for it, one way or another, whether that’s in kickbacks from the vendors, or a percentage added to the quotes and accounts.
When you hire The Wedding Whisperer, we agree on the price before we begin, rather than a percentage of the total spend, [otherwise where would be the incentive for us to find you the sharpest price?!].  That means that there are no nasty surprises and no hidden costs. We  hire the wedding professionals best suited to your requirements, not the ones who have the biggest kickbacks.

Whenever there is a decision or question, we ask, ”What is in the best interest of our bride and groom?” and go on from there. In a nutshell, we work for you.

How much does it cost to hire a wedding planner?
There are a few variables, but generally: The Wedding Whisperer’s wedding planning will be  in the ballpark of $1500,   additional “on the day” services around $35/person/hour,  with variations for significant travel, or extraordinary circumstances. There’s not a simple formula for [x  number of guests + y number in the bridal party, divide by the square  root of the cost of the wedding gown...].  In the interests of clarity and simplicity, we’ve opted for a flat fee rate.
What you see is only a tiny fraction of what you get. There are many hours  behind the scenes, hours of phone calls, coordinating, meeting,  selecting, arranging, overseeing. Even at minimum wage [and let's just  agree right here that my time is worth more than that], that time-sheet  is going to fill up pretty fast. There’s always going to be something extra that needs  doing, some cog in the machine that doesn’t mesh.  As your wedding  planner, it’s my job to make sure that’s counterbalanced, no matter how  long it takes to get done.
So, I’ve sat up past midnight hand-tying  favors, helped stitch a bride into her un-finished gown, loaned my own socks for a groom’s blistered feet, waded bellybutton deep into the  ocean to stop a boat drifting…
I don’t want to be second-guessing “is  this going to be paid for?” Sure, I’d make more money if I charged by the hour, but wouldn’t you be dreading that bill at the end of the process?!
If I sign on to co-ordinate your wedding, then I’m signing on to make sure all those disparate parts get pulled  together. I’m not the person that will say “Oh, sorry, out of time – see ya”.
A flat fee gives me the freedom to spend time comparison shopping on  your behalf, checking out details in person, and not just going with whatever is the quickest solution – it’s often the difference between ‘let me check with my couple and get back to you’ and ‘sure, that’ll do’.
And honestly, how do you charge for that? The answer is, I don’t. It’s part of the flat  rate fee, that guarantees you’ll get as close as humanly possible to the event we’re brainstormed and planned together.

Why can’t we just pay you a percentage of our total wedding budget? Well, for starters, would that be your proposed wedding budget, or the amount you will actually spend? Because those are two totally different figures, right there.
The percentage of costs is a totally backwards way of thinking. In the first place, there’s no incentive for your wedding planner to drill down the prices for the services she’ll be booking on  your behalf. The more money they save you, the less they’ll be paid. No thanks.
And it’s a crazy scale – for example, the difference  between a $4,000 photographer, and Aunty Jo with her  instamatic: The price in no way reflects the amount of work required to get good results from each – in fact the effort is inverse to the income!

So, what next?
Come and chat with us at The Corner Store during regular business hours, at no cost. You’ll be able to gather some good general advice, as well as getting an idea of how you feel about The Wedding Whisperer as a potential partner in your wedding plans.
Because every wedding  is so different, we would want to make time where we can talk, uninterrupted, about the type of wedding you would  like, the style, guest numbers, venue, budget, etc. The best way to do this is by making an appointment to meet at a time and place that suits you.
There is a $50 charge for the initial consultation, which normally takes one to two hours. A quote can then be drawn up specifically for your wedding  planning needs, based on our discussions.
Even if you decide The Wedding Whisperer is not the right choice for you, I’m sure you’ll still come away more knowledgeable about wedding planning,  and with a clearer idea of what you’re looking for.
If you would like to have a no-obligation consultation with Angel, please email her, pop a text to 021 027 04638 or phone 03 545 7531 call to set up a convenient time to chat.

What are the benefits of having a wedding planner?
This list could be endless, but I think some of the key benefits are:
Peace of mind and reduction of stress;
Saving Money: while there is a cost to employing a wedding planner, a good  wedding planner will help keep you within your budget and they can often get good deals with suppliers for you;
Saving Time:  for many couples, they simply do not have the time to plan  their wedding and hold down a career and carry on their normal  day-to-day lives like family, friends and other commitments.

I love weddings, and wedding planning is what I do every day, but even so, I have to say, planning a wedding is HARD, HARD work! Having a Wedding Planner is one way to get all that hard work done without spending great chunks of your own time and energy making it happen.
Many people find planning a wedding to be  incredibly stressful task.
Stress can put a huge strain on relationships, and turn those romantic dreams into a living nightmare. Shifting some of that stress outside of your immediate circle of family and friends gives you the room to work as a team, rather than fighting all the way to the altar.

Have you noticed that everyone has an opinion about your wedding? And that they’re not shy about telling you about it?!
A Wedding Planner can be your deflector – giving you the perfect excuse not to discuss any of the details with anyone!
One of the biggest benefits is having someone, who, in the weeks leading up to the wedding, will do all the double checking of details, coordinating the different parts coming together, and making sure that everything gets done.
On the day, a Wedding Coordinator will bustle about, quietly and calmly making sure that all that planning comes to perfect fruition,  allowing you to relax and totally enjoy  every moment of your wedding day with your friends and family.

TL/DR: I always sit down with my prospective clients to discuss their  wedding in general and then work out a quote specifically for them and their wedding needs. So, why not make that call, and we can start working together on the day you’re dreaming about!

As a Celebrant, I am prejudiced beyond debate about how important it is that the words of the ceremony be clearly heard by the guests – after all, the ceremony is the reason for the celebration!  To that end, I work hard to make sure that every word I speak is clearly broadcast, either by using ‘my big voice’ [ TM], and having the couple speak out their own parts of the ceremony ‘repeat after me’ style – so that every one present is able to be an active participant in the ceremony and the vows they have gathered to witness.

I take a great deal of pride in the fact that some well-respected DJs and sound crews who have worked ceremonies with me in the past are confident enough in my speaking volume and clarity to back off the amplification.  I’ve had sound techs unclip the mic and put it away when they’ve realised that I’m the Celebrant who will be speaking.

I’m not afraid to use a microphone, and in certain settings, it’s a necessity. Applied skillfully and discreetly, amplification is an incredibly wonderful thing, subtly supporting those who are speaking.  After working alongside skilled and intuitive operators, with quality gear, I know that it’s not that difficult to place microphones so that the couple can be heard without looking like they are speaking their beautiful wedding vows to a microphone, and not to their own true love, or to quickly adjust for changes in wind direction, or the speaking volume of different participants.It’s my considered opinion that the skill of the tech AND the quality of the gear are equally important – leave one out and it would be like making cheese on toast, without the cheese. Or without the toast…

I hate-hate-hate it, [with the fierce and fiery passion of a thousand dying suns], when PAs and sound gear are used badly, either because the DJ has good gear but no real art, or when the gear is whatever battered old bits can be hired for cheap. To be blunt, poor quality sound is at best, a waste of time, money and effort to set up. At its worst, bad sound is a horrible distraction, overshadowing the words with the way they are broadcast.

So, for that reason, whenever a couple has come to me asking where they can hire a PA system, they’ve usually been the recipients of my somewhat scathing opinions about the quality of the gear an average person can affordably hire, and the lack of skilled operating that tends to come bundled with it.

I’m becoming aware that the times they are a-changing, so I’m drawing my line in the sand, and saying, there are some fantastic options for excellent sound available now, and I’m recommending them without reservation!

First shout must go to Ali Holmes, Avago Entertainment, who is one of the best DJ’s working in Nelson. I’ve had the good fortune to have worked alongside Ali at a number of weddings now, and it’s SUCH a luxury to be in such skilled hands – her gear is top quality, carefully maintained and set up, with attention to detail that is second-to-none. I’ve seen her transition smoothly through subtle pre-wedding background music, through the bride’s entrance, mic-ing the ceremony, and then segueing smoothly into pre-dinner music, mics for speeches etc, and finally cranking up into full party mode for the rest of the evening, reading and responding to the requirements of the guests throughout.

And, since sometimes, the reception venue, or the musos you’ve hired for the party, will have 90% of the sound under control, when you just need a little bit of sound for the ceremony, I’m excited to be able to say that Andrew and Kath at Event Audio have the perfect solution with a totally portable system, totally wireless, and able to be set up in the middle of the remotest paddock, deserted island, or backyard. The main unit is about the size of your commuter’s wheelie suitcase – and with an 8 hour capacity battery, there’s no worries about running extension cables for miles! With a really simple interface, it takes just moments to grasp the basic knob twiddling skills required.  Add in extra mics, CD or mp3/4 players, additional speakers – the sky’s the limit!

And that’s just the start of it – Event Audio were responsible for the sound at the recent Crusader’s game at Trafalgar Park, so I’m pretty confident that they can handle whatever size event you’re planning!

In case you missed it, in among all that, this is me, saying, hand to heart, YES! I do know where you can get really good audio services, and heartily recommending that you go talk with Ali, or Andrew, about your specific requirements. [I've never been so glad to be wrong! ]

I think you’ll be pleasantly surprised at how inexpensive the options are. Plus, you’ll enjoy the confidence that comes with crossing something off your planning list, knowing you’re actually able to get what you’re looking for! YAY!

Hang It: If possible, hang your gown up by the ribbon loops inside the gown. These loops connect  to the strongest part of the garment, [usually the side seams] taking the pressure off the delicate seams at the shoulder, which may stretch out of shape if left with the whole weight of the gown on them.

Wrap It: Dry Cleaners do it, gown shops do it, but really, storing your gown in any kind of plastic bag is a Bad Idea. You’ll hear people say that plastic doesn’t breathe, what that means is that any moisture in the fabric will stay there, causing a musty smell, and perhaps even allowing mildew staining. Not only that, but many types of plastic can leach chemical residues which can cause discolouration of the fabrics. An old, [really old] well washed cotton sheet shouldn’t leach any colours or chemicals, will keep surface dust and grime away, and keep your gown hidden from prying eyes.

For longer term storage, you’re better not to hang it at all – fold it gently, wrap loosely in that old cotton sheet, and store it inside an acid free box with plenty of room for the gown to just sit loosely. As long as it’s not squashed in or under pressure, you shouldn’t get too many creases, and allowing it to hang again will see most of those drop out again.

Just a quick aside about acid free storage. Paper and card contain a naturally occurring acid, Lignin, which comes from wood pulp. This, and other acids added in the paper making process, can leach out and discolour your fabric.

Luckily, it’s easy to tell if a box is acid free – basically, if any parts of the box are brown, it is not acid-free. Generally, all parts of the box wrapping tissue should be white, including the corrugates between the inner and outer walls of the cardboard. If the corrugates are brown, they contain acids which can still migrate through the white and into fabric.

In Your Ordinary Wardrobe: It may seem sensible to tuck your gown away in a wardrobe in a spare room, but they are often colder and can be damper than one in a room in regular use. Being in your everyday wardrobe also means that if it slips off the hanger, or a leak in the roof develops, or something – you’re much more likely to notice quickly and set it right.

If the worst happens, and for some reason your gown needs cleaning before you wear it, seek professional advice before doing ANYthing! Something that will clean off one type of dirt or mark may set another type – so it’s really important to have as much information about what caused the problem, and get good advice about what to try first.

For spills and staining on the day – Know the fabric of your wedding gown.If possible, go back to the person who made/sold you your gown for advice. Different fabrics need different treatment, too – silk, for example, should never be wetted. Some cleaning solutions will dissolve some polyesters, and so on. When you spill something on artificial fibre, it tends to stay on the surface of the fabric, so it is much easier to get rid of the stain than if you spill something on a natural fibre such as silk, which are hollow, and tend to absorb the spill. In either case, unless the mess is major and makes you uncomfortable, better leave it alone until you can get professional treatment for your bridal gown.

If you must do something and the stain is coffee, wine, mud, blood, tea or some other water-soluble stain, dab the spot gently with cool water and air dry. But remember, silks and rayons are water-sensitive, and you may create permanent water spots.

Try camouflaging [dry] marks on your gown with something white and relatively harmless such as baking soda, cornstarch, or baby powder [NOT twink or white nail polish]—especially if the stain is not water-soluble. Grease, lipstick, and other cosmetics can only cleaned with solvents which can also dissolve any dye that may have been used to color your wedding gown. Again, you are better to leave the spot alone until you can get professional treatment for it, and remember that your wedding is about much more than just your dress – your friends, family, and new husband will be looking at you – not checking for spots or tears on your bridal gown!

Getting It Ready To Wear: Several days before the wedding, look over your wedding gown and wedding accessories and make sure everything is ready to wear. Hang your veil near the shower to smooth any wrinkles. If you are staying away from home, and will be dressing there, double-check that you have everything you may need before you leave the house. Allow plenty of time to get dressed in your wedding gown, and if possible, have someone to help you get it exactly right.

After Care: It’s worth planning ahead for what will happen with your gown after the wedding.  In the longer term, you might plan to pass the dress on to another generation, or simply keep it because of the memories and emotions attachment to it. If so, it’s essential that you take steps to preserve your gown properly, or it may become discolored and, over time, the fabric can even begin to disintegrate. Even if all you plan to do is to pass it on or sell it, you’ll still want to make sure it’s in good condition, and the sooner you have it cleaned, the easier it is to remove all the cake and lipstick and floor dirt you may have picked up the day of the wedding. Perspiration, unnoticed food spills, grass stains, etc, will only get worse with time. The sooner you start, the less damage there is likely to be.

BUT are you really ready to give up your gown? You might want to enjoy it some more and just look at it hanging over the wardrobe door or laying on the bed in your spare room, or even wear it for a second photo shoot – and just remember how much fun it was to wear it on your wedding day. Unless your gown is silk and/or and splattered with red wine or covered with mud, it’s okay to delay the trip to the cleaners for a couple of weeks.

The first step in either storing or selling your gown is in cleaning it. There’s a difference in the level of cleaning required for sale than for preservation. Wedding gown preservation cleaning is something that you should absolutely do if you plan to keep the dress. If you are going to sell it, then a simple cleaning is sufficient. Be realistic – if you know of serious stains – spilt wine or large grass stains – there’s little that will be able to done to remove them. You may need to reconsider your plans, and adjust the cleaning regime accordingly.

As wonderful as that gown is, the most precious part of it is the hopes and dreams, the tears and memories it’s gathered along the way. So, remember to take as much care over preserving them, as the gown itself.

Enjoy your day!

You surely can’t just relegate such a treasure to the back of the wardrobe, so, here’s The Wedding Whisperer’s boxful of ideas of things you might choose to do with your wedding dress:

Heirloom it: If you loved your dress, why not save it for another generation to enjoy? As a bride who got to wear my grandmother’s wedding gown up the aisle, I know that a wedding gown can make a beautiful heirloom. There are no guarantees, though. Fashion is a fickle thing, so it’s a long-term investment.  Be ready to store your gown for two generations – that’s how long it may take for your gown to transition past kitsch and back into style again.
If you think your gown will stand the test of time, make sure you pack it away spotlessly clean, and well wrapped in acid free white tissue, or clean calico/cotton, never plastic. Remove any metal parts or boning, to guard against rust. It would be a tragedy to keep carefully for years, only to discover that the armpits have rotted out, or that the colour of the box you stored it in has leached into the fabric.

Frame it: Last summer, a bride showed me the stunning 3D mount and frame she’d arranged to display her gown as an art installation – she’s definitely getting more than one day’s pleasure out of it!

Model it: If you enjoyed walking down the aisle, all eyes on you, then why not unpack your dress and take a stroll along the catwalk! This year’s Bride of the Year is open for entry, and the prizes are fantastic!
Nelson Brides, married between 31 June 2008-1 June 2011 have until 4 June to register, for the Nelson Bride of the Year / Hospice fundraiser on 11th June.
Marlborough Brides married between 7 June 2010 and 7 June 2011, register now for the Marlborough Bride of the Year with Beavertown Blenheim Lions on 18th June 2011

Rock it:  A Trash the Dress photo shoot can simply be a way to get those artsy shots you simply couldn’t squeeze into your wedding day schedule. Or, it can be the beginning of something totally audacious – paintball, mud-stomping, whatever appeals to you – to create an album of stunning photos that celebrate how beautiful you feel while wearing your gown. Facebookers, check out a recent [paintball!] photo shoot

ReStyle it: It’s really rare for a wedding gown to successfully do double service – no matter how much you may have tried to choose a gown that you could wear again, somehow it always feels like you’re wearing your wedding dress out to dinner. A little bit of re-styling may be all it takes to bring it back into your useable wardrobe – add a touch of colour with a belt or sassy wrap cardi, or even dye it;  shorten the skirt, change the details, so that it’s not JUST your wedding dress any more.

Quilt it: A really neat way to keep your gown in the family, without relegating it to a box in the attic, is to use the fabric and accessories to make a quilt, wall hanging, pillow covers, christening gown, bassinette ruffle – something that will be part of your family’s day-to-day life.

Gift it or Sell it: The Wedding Whisperer sells a lot of pre-loved wedding gowns, and I really enjoy watching a bride step up to the mirror in a gown she never dreamed she’d be able to afford. It’s really satisfying to call a bride and tell her that the gown she wore and loved has found another bride who loves it just as much. If you really don’t have any other plans for it, bring it down to the store, and we’ll be happy to match-make on your behalf!

I wonder if I’m such a Valentine’s Day grinch because I’ve seen so many putting all their energy into one or two elaborately planned days without making any real plans for the success of  “the rest of their lives”?

No matter how much [or little] you’ve already spent on each other this Valentine’s Day, we’re encouraging you to invest in the future of your relationship. To help with that, The Wedding Whisperer is offering 20 couples a comprehensive “Couple Check-Up” at the rock-bottom price of just $20 each! [details after the jump]

The Couple Check-Up is like a W.O.F. for your relationship – a checklist to keep you on the road to a successful relationship. It’s a way to recognise and celebrate your relationships strengths, as well as identify and resolve any problems before they become major issues.

Here’s why The Wedding Whisperer recommends The Couple Check-Up

It’s private: You access the Couple Check-Up from your own computer, so you don’t have to wait around an appointment, or hash out your relationship history to a total stranger. The Couple Check-Up is entirely self-managed, totally DIY unless you request the input of a facilitator, or decide you need the assistance of a professional counsellor.

It’s personal: Rather than offering a one-size-fits-all solution, the Couple Check-Up compares the answers you and your fiancé give, making the Couple Check-Up totally relevant to your relationship, taking into account factors such as how long you’ve been together, whether you have children, and so on.

It’s practical: The Couple Check-Up evaluates 20 core areas of your relationship such as, the way you handle conflict, gender roles and expectations, finances, in-laws, etc. Just answering the questionnaire will stimulate you to think more about your relationship. The results are available to you within minutes, and presented in an easy to understand format, with discussion questions to help you make your relationship even better.

It’s precise: What began as a pencil and paper inventory has now had more than 20 years of scientific research, testing and use. The Wedding Whisperer recommends using the Couple Check-Up on a yearly basis, creating an accurate snapshot of your relationship, making it easy to celebrate the growth of your relationship, and setting a pattern of open communication to last beyond your 50th wedding anniversary.

The fine print:

The Couple Check-Up is available at the price of $20 each [$40 / couple] to the first 20 couples who register with The Wedding Whisperer between 14 February 2011 – 14 March 2011. Couples may be dating, engaged, de-facto or already married. Upon registration and payment, couples will receive a link and a log-in code for the online Couple Check-Up.
Both partners must complete the online inventory process in order to receive their results.
Evaluations will be emailed to the address provided by the couple.
Payment can be made online or in store.

To register, or just find out more,  phone: 03 545 7531 / 021 027 04638, email: checkup@theweddingwhisperer.co.nz, or enquire in person at The Wedding Whisperer’s Corner Store, Waimea Road, Nelson

Waiting for the bride’s arrival is usually not so bad – there are other guests to catch up with, or introduce yourself to, and the small frissions as each stage unfolds – the groom arrives, the bridal car pulls up, and so on.

It’s the waiting that comes after the ceremony that’s harder to bear. If the newlyweds have followed mainstream tradition, you’ll be waiting to get out of the venue [while they pose for photos in the doorway] then waiting while they have family and formal group photos. And then, they’ll head off with their photographer for the rest of the photo shoot, leaving you with a huge chunk of time to fill.

As a guest, you may be stuck in limbo, uncertain of when or where you can go for the time between the ceremony and the reception. Though many will troop off to the pub, it’s not such a great start to what is often a long night of steady drinking, so a little forward planning isn’t a stupid idea, especially if you’re an out-of-town guest not closely related to the bride or the groom’s families.

When you get your invite, try to judge how long and how far it will be between the ceremony and the reception. Even the latest bride with the most sermonizing minister won’t keep you more than 90 minutes – for most ceremonies, you can expect the formalities to be well over 45 minutes after the posted start time. The invitation should give you an idea of when you’re expected at the reception venue. Depending on who you have with you, and what you think is fun, you might  take yourself off for a walk down the beach, curl up somewhere with a trashy novel or 40 winks, check out the local museum or art gallery, or even just arrange to meet some of the other guests at a coffee shop rather than the pub. It’s not a silly idea to pack a pair of comfortable shoes [or even a total change of clothes], even if you’re not planning on going anywhere else. There’s not much worse than watching strangers drink themselves into idiots, unless it’s doing it from an uncomfortable seat, wearing shoes that pinch.

If you’re the bride or groom, or have any say at all in the planning process, may I make some polite suggestions to help plan a wedding day timeline with guests in mind?

Timing is everything: Obviously, it makes no sense to plan a midday ceremony with a supper and dance reception. So why would you plan for 3 or more hours of photographs while your guests are waiting. Wedding photos are incredibly important. But so are your guests. So a compromise may need to be reached. Consider having the bulk of your formal photos taken before the ceremony. A good photographer will be able to preserve the ‘aha’ moment when you first see each other on the day, if that’s important to you, and you can even still have the traditional walk up the aisle to your groom. The advantages of photos first are that you’ll be more relaxed and connected with each other for your wedding ceremony and the rest of the day, PLUS you don’t have to go away and miss out on any time with your guests.

If you just can’t face the idea of photos before the ceremony, consider booking a ‘fashion photo shoot’ for after the honeymoon, where you can go to as many locations as you wish, and take time over getting really stunning wedding photos for the wall. Trash the Dress/Drown the Gown photo shoots often start out quite formally, but have the luxury of being able to climb into a tree, or whatever, without worrying about getting your hair mussed, or dirt on your gown.

If the time lag is unavoidable, make some options available for your guests – perhaps a party bus sightseeing tour from the ceremony venue to the reception, a bouncy castle or other entertainment for the kids, live music or other performing artists, or even something as simple as setting out some couches at the venue for guests to relax on – your guests will spend hours sitting at their tables, and it’s such a relief to sit somewhere different for a while.

If your guests are already at, or will head directly to, the reception venue, you might provide some nibbles and drinks – but in the end, this can end up costing more than a second photo shoot or a tour bus would – and can sometimes mean that guests are too full [or tiddly] to appreciate the wedding meal you’ve put so much thought, time and money into.

Don’t be afraid to try something different – A wedding recently had a NZ edition of Trivial Pursuit, Monopoly, and Pictionary set up on tables – the guests quickly set up locals vs tourist teams and had such a great time getting to know each other, that it was hard to get them to stop for the arrival of the newlyweds! I’ve seen guests playing petanque and minigolf, relaxing on couches under the trees, building lego towers, even getting fake tattoos, courtesy of the bride and groom.

It sounds kind of odd, but when you think about it, why wouldn’t you do something that’s fun for your guests – after al, presumably, you like these people enough to invite them to be part of one of the most important days of your life. It makes sense to follow through and make sure they’re glad they made the effort to be with you, to help them celebrate, and to create a truly memorable occasion!

Maybe you can relate to that feeling?

If you have a blank page task ahead of you, The Wedding Whisperer’s November workshops may be just the thing you need – brainstorming and capturing those elusive phrases for your wedding vows, speeches, invitation wording, even for thankyou notes, or love letters – whatever words you’re struggling to get out of your head and onto the page – this workshop is for you!

$15.00 per person [one-to-one workshop option available - please enquire]

register here: tinyurl.com/wordsmithing

Choose the date and time that works best for you:

7.30 in the evening, Wednesday 17th or Sunday 21st November, or in the afternoon, 1.00 Wednesday 17th November

Register now so you don’t miss out – places strictly limited!

Um. Sure. But sometimes it chucks down. In buckets.

If you’re planning an off-season wedding, or you’re looking at the forecast and Hurricane Murgatroyd is moving in fast, here’s some advice that you might find more useful than that photographer’s breezy assurance…

For the bride – make sure you’re able to stay warm and dry. Grab a Pashmina-type wrap in white or cream – something that can be tossed  into a soggy heap in the entryway and still look gorgeous.Ideally, plan to have 2 or 3 of them, so that you can discard the clammy, damp one for fresh halfway through the day. If you decide to use a wrap in your accent colours, do a test to make sure the colour won’t bleed onto your gown if it gets wet!

Make sure your bridesmaids are going to be warm enough too – they’re already wearing uncomfortable shoes and ugly gowns for your sake…

Don’t depend on borrowing a jacket – although your groom’s jacket will look cute on you, that option leaves him in the cold instead! If the suit is a rental, it’s only good for warmth not shelter from the rain – you’re free to ruin a jacket you own, but the penalties for saturating a dry-clean only hired suit should be taken into consideration!

A quick piece of advice for the groom:  While it’s a sweet idea for you [or the other blokes in the bridal party] to offer your umbrella/jacket/whatever to cold or wet guests,  save your gallantry for your bride, and perhaps your mother and new mother in law. Delegate everyone else’s care and shelter to your ushers, and at a pinch, your groomsmen.

Rain wreaks havoc on bridal trains, too, so pay careful attention to the swag of fabric you’re dragging through the muddy puddles.  If you have the option of looping up your train, do it every single time you step out a doorway! It might not be as elegant as you’d dreamed of, but it will surely beat the alternative, which won’t just look messy, it will be cold and uncomfortable to sit in for the rest of the evening.

Cold, wet feet are a certain cue for misery. If your gown is floor length, and the weather is cold, forego the strappy sandals  in favour of warm tights and waterproof shoes. At the very least, arrange to have a pair of gumboots for your photo shoot – standing on wet grass in heels will give you a definite sinking feeling!

Think about who needs an umbrella to be provided. While your guests will most likely provide their own, what about your bridal party guys and gals? Chances are they’re getting dressed away from home and might not have easy access to any umbrella, let alone a styley one! You should also make sure the drivers of your bridal cars have an umbrella, even if it’s just so that they can hold it over you while you get in and out of the vehicle!

People rushing in the wet mean slips and splashes at the very least – muddy legs or broken bones in the worst case. Careful preparation can slow everybody down and still keep them dry.

If you’re able to, offer an  ‘umbrella valet service’, with someone prepped to at least escort passengers from a drop-off point in front of the venue, or at least to shelter guests while they are getting out of cars and putting their own umbrellas up. Umbrella valeting works really well if the valet wears a waterproof coat,  carries one open umbrella and another furled, hands the open umbrella to the guest [or to the bridal party]  as they step out of their vehicle, while popping open the next one.

Try not to delegate that job to any of your vip guests – they will almost certainly end up wet – and keep your ‘real’ ushers dry and carrying out their duties indoors if at all possible.

I hope you get the blue skies and calm weather you’re dreaming of. And, if not, you’ve at least had a chance to come up with an excellent plan for success under grey and stormy skies!

Don’t forget, The Corner Store hires 20 matching umbrellas as a wet weather backup, it’s a nice peace of mind option!

First things first. You should carefully consider whether you want children to be part of your wedding celebrations? At the ceremony? At the reception/dinner? Later in the evening? If not, what is your cut off age? Will the no-kids rule apply to close family and friends as well as to the main body of guests? What accommodations can be made for children of guests who are travelling from out-of-town? What will you do if a guest does turn up with their children anyway? Make sure the information is clearly spelled out in your invitations.

If children are welcome, how will you include their needs in your plans? How much time and money are you willing to allocate to keeping them quiet and happy? What accommodations are you willing or able to be made for children of guests who are travelling from out of town, as the evening wears on?

The question of whose responsibility it is to amuse the kids at a wedding is a bit tricky. After all, it IS the parents’ job to keep their young miss or master amused, not yours. In the best of all possible worlds, parents would instinctively choose to leave their rambunctious child at home, rather than put themselves through the drama that can be keeping a small child quiet during a wedding ceremony. But generally, unless specifically asked not to, most parents will bring their children with them. Even though technically, it’s not your problem,  it can pretty quickly become everyone’s problem!So it makes sense to allow for them in your plans.

While any sensible parent will also pack a bag full of distractions for their tiny tot, it’s not often that they’ll do the same for their slightly older child/ren, which is a shame. Bored pre-teens are sometimes worse than bored two  year olds, having had more practice at it. For the sake of everyone’s sanity, it’s a great idea to include them in your plans. Just how much effort you should go to will depend greatly on the size of your junior guest list, and the age range it spans.

If you’re in the middle of a baby boom, and you know that most of your guests will have one or more pre-schoolers with them, it may be worth hiring a nanny, a children’s entertainer, if space permits, a bouncy castle, or even all three.  For older kids, small gestures, such as providing a box of crayons and a colouring book at their table is a nice gesture, and you’d be amazed at how many bigger kids will ‘keep an eye on the littlies for you’ [read: hang out in the kids zone] or go play in the bouncy castle as long as no-one’s watching! Older kids may enjoy being asked to be ‘second camera’ or videographer – with digital technology, it doesn’t matter too much what the results are, and you will probably be pleasantly surprised at what they manage to capture.

Usually, you will know well in advance which guests are bringing their children, so, especially if there will only be a few school aged or pre-teen kids, you will be able to choose a puzzle book, simple game,or other age appropriate amusement, and have it waiting at their table.

It doesn’t take much effort or cash, just a little bit of forward planning. Not only will you win the gratitude of the parents of said children, but you’ll also receive the benefit of having happy children, rather than whiny, bored ones on your wedding day!

Working through the scrapbooks has reminded me just how much stuff I hold in my head – the various ideas and bits of experience I’ve picked up over the past dozen years [and hundreds of weddings] I’ve been involved in.

It’s been such a privilege to have been part of so many different weddings – I’m so grateful to the brides and grooms who have allowed me to learn from their mistakes and their successes, and I don’t take lightly the responsibility I feel to pass that knowledge and experience on to other couples. That’s one of the reasons why The Wedding Whisperer exists – and why the bridal advisory service will always be free and accessible for anyone planning a wedding.

But I’m also realising just how much specialised experience I have. I’ve assisted at beach weddings in howling gales and blue sky days, I’ve officiated at churches and motorbike rallies, I’ve coped with naked gate-crashers, rambunctious dogs, drunken bridesmaids, torn trousers, oil stained gowns – you name it, and I just bet I have an experience to draw on!

So I figure it’s time I start making that available too. The recent workshop series was just one of the ways we’re working to get that information out to brides and grooms to be. In addition to that, The Wedding Whisperer’s Corner Store also  more in-depth, personalised wedding planning services:

Now, that’s not strictly true. What is true is that the Stag Do is supposed to be one of the more enjoyable parts of the process of getting married. Well, that is, if it’s done right. So here are some suggestions to help you get it right:

This time, it’s all about the groom. Some guys will think it’s hilarious to be handcuffed to a traffic pole while dressed in a pink tutu. Some guys will find that totally humiliating. Some guys are incredibly uncomfortable with even the idea of a stripper. Some will be disappointed if you only have one. Make sure you know which kind of guy your groom is, and make your plans with HIM in mind.

It comes to this: No matter how clever your plan is, if it will make your groom feel like crap, or cause trouble between him and his bride, then it’s got to come off the menu.

The Stag Do is part of the run up to the wedding day. So please, please, do not do anything that will show in his photos. I’m not kidding. They’re not paying thousands of dollars to their photographer for photos of the groom sans eyebrows, or missing half of his hair. [And as for the rest of his body hair? He has a honeymoon booked. Chemical burns from hair remover carelessly applied are a nasty, nasty thing. Trust me. The bride will never forgive you. Just... don't go there!]

It’s a once in a life time event, so plan it well. Don’t just fall back on the old ‘night out with the lads’ routine. Here’s your chance to try something totally different – maybe even going to a different town or city for a change. Some options may seem to have fairly high price tags – but splitting the cost between the group may help – Don’t expect the groom to pay for everything! Make sure all the guests have a clear idea of how much it’s going to cost before they commit to being there. Remember that a Stag Do doesn’t have to be an evening out, or even a  ‘party’. You could plan a hunting or fishing trip, go skydiving, learn how to ride stunt bikes, or racecars, play serious poker, or go paintballing… anything is possible!

“Host responsibility” is really important. Decide who your designated driver/s will be, or pre-book taxis or even a bus so that everyone gets home safely. If there’s going to be alcohol, then there must also be substantial amounts of food, whether that’s a formal meal, or a pie and chips on the way.

Timing is everything. It’s never a good idea to have the Stag Do the night before the wedding, even if that’s the only time the out-of-town guests can be there. A wedding is stressful enough without adding a hangover. Obviously,   you should check with the groom and choose a weekend that works for him.

It’s essential to remember that it’s not your night, and the groom should have the final say in matters, from where and when it takes place, to who he wants [or does not want] to be invited. After all, it’s his night!

There. That’s 50% of the groom’s responsibilities taken care of <grin>

And if I mention that Hallensteins now offers a totally laid back suit hire option – hey, this wedding stuff isn’t so hard after all!

The first workshop in this winter’s workshop series was brilliant! There was far too much practical advice to squeeze into a single post, but I promise to filter it out here over the next wee while. In the meanwhile, if you missed the workshop, or mislaid the info, here are a couple of key comments from the wonderful women who made up our workshop panel.

Jill Alexander, Madcat Design, on choosing a gown to suit your shape:

The female form comes in two basic outlines – either you have the classic hourglass [in whatever size - essentially, you tuck in at the waist] or you don’t. If you have a waist, then you want to make sure you dress to accentuate the curve, and a corset is ideal for creating a beautiful line through from bust to hip. If your outline is straighter, then you’ll have other features to highlight – if you have beautiful calves and ankles, then choose a gown that really shows them off!

Catherine Anderson, Beautiful Brides of Hope, on finding your perfect gown:

Really, the only way to find the gown that is perfect for you, is to try on as many gowns as possible. Try on everything you can, even the ones that don’t appeal – so often it’s the dress that looks like nothing  on the hanger that turns out to be the one that looks fantastic on you! And… Don’t ask the dress fitter’s opinion unless you want to hear it!

Liz MacLean, dressmaker extraordinaire, on caring for your gown:

The plastic bag is for protecting your gown while you’re taking it from one place to another. They’re not intended for long-term storage, as the plastic doesn’t allow airflow. If you’re storing your gown for any length of time, pack it into an acid-free cardboard box. Make sure it’s clean before storing it after the wedding. Grass stains, sweat, makeup smears, etc, will only become more stubbornly ingrained over time. Dry-cleaning is rarely the best option, especially for gowns with beading detail. [The processes used  have been known to melt beading!] If you’re not sure about what you should do, ASK the person who made or sold you your gown!

Karyn Stratford, Artistic Beauty, on artificial tanning:

Living in Nelson, most brides will need a small amount of tanning to even out their skin, especially if they’re wearing a strapless gown. Good quality tanning simply evens out the skin tone, hiding strap or t-shirt lines. If you don’t think you need it, ask someone to take a photo of you in a strapless top! Remember, your wedding photos will be around for a long, long time. What looks good in person might not look so good through the camera lens.
Always have a practice run of your tanning process, to check that it does look natural, but equally important, to check that your tan won’t rub off onto your gown, especially under the arms and at the neckline!

Rachel Gillard, Ohr-Sprirring Design, on wedding accessories:

When you see a guy wearing a tuxedo without a tie, it almost looks like he didn’t get to finish dressing. It’s the same with accessories for your bridal gown – you need those finishing touches to complete your overall look. It’s important that your bridal jewellery complements your gown and hairstyle – like a guy choosing to wear a bow tie or a windsor  knot. Don’t choose your bridal jewellery until you’ve chosen your gown, and make your choices with the style of your gown in mind, matching and complementing the details of your dress.

What does that mean for you? Why oh why is it such great news? Simply this: No matter what actually happens on your wedding day, all that matters is how you CHOOSE to remember it. You have the choice of remembering only that it poured with rain, your shoes were ruined, the church leaked, and it was horrible. Or, you could choose to remember how sweet and funny it was when your Mum loaned you her shoes, and wore the old ratty sneakers she keeps in the boot of the car instead, that your favourite photo is of your new spouse  holding the umbrella over both of you under the leaky roof, that you’ve never seen so many gallant men all in one place, and that you laughed all day long.  Both versions are the truth. But only one of them is the truth worth storing away in your memory treasure box, and to get out and look at over the coming years.

That also means it matters who you listen to – To keep those golden memories shiny, there will be times when you have to say, politely, but firmly “You know what, Aunt Sal, I don’t remember it that way at all.” That’s not to say that you have to be all Pollyanna “Oh, it was magical, every moment!” Eeuw! Not at all. In fact, as you go through your life, some of the most treasured memories are going to be the times when things DIDN’T go according to plan. The wedding anniversary/family reunion when my Nan tripped and fell on her way out the door, before she even got to the party is probably more precious to me than it would have been if the stars of the show had been there, not at A&E. The conversations I had with family I hadn’t seen in years suddenly went deeper than the standard “So what have you been doing for the past 10 years…”

What’s my point? It’s simply this: You can’t control what happens. So stop trying so hard to achieve perfection. It almost certainly won’t happen – not the way you’re imagining it will, anyway. What you can control, is how you react to the things that happen, the wonderful AND the terrible, as well as the way you choose to remember them, as disasters, or merely as disappointments.  As someone remarked recently [when a bride tumbled from the horse she was supposed to be riding up the aisle] “This is going to make a great story to tell their kids!”

There may be moments during your wedding, [and definitely in your married life] when it’s going to take all the grace and courage you can muster to hold your head high, and celebrate anyway. There will be times when you cry, and they’re not ‘happy tears’. But if the person you’re marrying really is The One, and they are unshakably on your side, and that’s the person you get to go home with at the end of the day, and every day afterwards – then you’ll be fine.

So relax and get back to enjoying planning your day!

I wonder whether, sometimes, by not making too much of a fuss, we miss out on an opportunity to honour our close friends and family.  By being so casual about our request for them to be part of the wedding, we relegate their role to merely a task they’ll perform, when we could [and I think, should] pitch it as an honor and a blessing, for the participant AND the couple, both.

I found this blog post, detailing a bride’s [tres cute] handmade invitations to her bridesmaids,  and while I’m not convinced we need to go to QUITE that much effort, it’s certainly worth making a small production about. It may be as simple as, rather than verbally asking, or even emailing, just taking a few minutes to handwrite and snail mail out your request to the person, detailing the role you have in mind for them, and any requirements that might be attached.

I’ve lost count of the number of times someone has confided in me that they’re not sure the reading they’ve chosen is what the couple are wanting, because they had usually been asked verbally, often as casually as, “Hey, can you do a reading at my wedding?” If you’re wanting them to choose the reading, you should still include a couple of examples of options that are suitable – which will give them an idea of the style of reading you’re wanting, and something to fall back on if their inspiration runs dry.

It’s a nice idea to let the participants know if you have a specific theme or colour scheme, in case they wish to [or you wish them to] co-ordinate with it.

When inviting family and friends to be part of the bridal party, make it clear whether you’re expecting them to pay for any [or all] of their wedding attire, what they need to bring, and what you’ll be providing. If you’re planning a get-together before the wedding, make sure they know about that, too, so that they can allow for that, whether they’re travelling in or living locally.

Mostly, it’s about courtesy and communication. It’s possible to be clear and direct, without becoming a control freak or bridezilla. Clear direction means that everyone is confident in their role, which means that you, and they, can relax and enjoy the day [and the weeks leading up to it!]

It’s important that do have the BEST best man – the obvious choice might be the bride’s brother, or the bloke you’ve been friends with since primary school. But your decision should be based on more than mere expectation, long-standing friendship, or even a sense of family duty.

It’s usually the best man who organises the stag party, so you need someone you can trust to bring you home again in one piece. He’ll be making a high-profile speech at the wedding, so you need someone who you know won’t humiliate you in front of your friends and family. Never underestimate the potential cringe factor of inappropriate comments or drunken practical jokes, for you or your guests. Depending on how much you follow tradition, your best man will be in charge of a number of small but important details –  from making sure you arrive at the ceremony relaxed, prepared, and on time to bringing the rings safely to the ceremony, taking care of the marriage licence, and even delivering payments on your behalf to any vendors who wish to be paid on the day. He has a lot to live up to in terms of the guests’ expectations of him, which puts him under a fair amount of pressure, and by default, if he’s not up to the task, it puts you under that pressure too. Seen from this angle, your kid brother, or your hilarious drinking mate from uni might not be the obvious choice for this role.

You’re ideally looking for someone who is trustworthy and reliable, organised, who can provide a calming influence if you’re getting wound up. If possible, choose a best man who knows some of the VIP guests, and has the social nous to help make your guests feel welcome. Most importantly, make sure your fiance at least gets along with him – it will make things easier in the long run. If you happen to have a good relationship with your Dad or Grandfather, it would be incredibly appropriate, and quite an honour, to ask them to take on the role your best man – a best man who knows you really well, and is guaranteed to be looking out for your best interests.

Don’t break the budget over this! But, if you have to choose between favors for all the guests or personal gifts for a few VIP guests – well, I suspect I’ve already made my views clear on THAT topic… Anyway. Here are some ideas I’ve seen lately:

Pamper them – if your bridesmaids are girly girls, [or your groomsmen are metro sexual] why not look for some great skin care or pampering treats – perhaps a trip to a dayspa to unwind and relax after the wedding, a mani or pedicure [thanks for keeping me on my feet] These can be part of the pre-wedding prep, but it will probably be more appreciated as a followup treat.
Sniff out their favourites: A little detective work can find out which perfume or aftershave is their favourite, what is their favorite sweet treat or tipple.

Bling – the traditional gift for bridesmaids is, of course, jewellery to wear at the wedding. It doesn’t take much extra thought to choose coordinating, but individual pieces which will not only complement their bridal attire, but also be a treasured accessory in days to come. Think beyond the pearl necklace – what about a pounamu carving or other non-bling on a leather thong may appropriate – a cute bangle, or cheeky earrings, cufflinks or a pinky ring for the guys are lovely gifts for parents or grandparents.

Get practical – Top up their gym membership, get tickets to see a favourite band, take their car to be valet cleaned and serviced buy a subscription to their favourite magazine, or arrange for a basket of treats delivered after they arrive home. Give them kitchen or barbeque tools, a swiss army knife, luxury coffee beans – whatever suits their taste and preferences.

Tread carefully – you should know whether you can get away with a humorous gift, like as a rubber ducky, [sorry if I drove you quackers], or something totally hideous, with a gift exchange card,  or even something a bit  risqué, but if in doubt, err on the side of boring – the last thing you need is for your carefully dreamed up thankyou gift to come bundled with offence or confusion. Use your imagination, your intuition, and your knowledge of each person to create a gift that says “Thanks for everything YOU did to make our wedding day great”

Make sure to include a personal, handwritten note of thanks as well as your own spoken words of thanks. Gratitude doesn’t cost much, but it’s rare and very highly valued.

If you’re changing your name from your wedding date, and plan to travel overseas for your honeymoon, make sure you book your tickets in the name that is on your passport, and use that name while you’re travelling, to save confusion and potential unnecessary delays.

If you do change your name, there are a lot of official records that will need amending, including:
Driver’s licence, passport, bank accounts and credit cards, kiwisaver, mortgage, hire purchase and lease agreements, IRD, community service cards, employer’s records and your CV, wills and insurance policies, dentist and doctor’s records, utilities – phone, power, etc, electoral roll, memberships and magazine subscriptions, library card and so on.
You can either work through the list of  documentary changes, or work between the two names, just changing them as the various cards expire.

A short note in the invitations or the wedding bulletin may be sufficient, or simply ask the Celebrant to let guests know that all the professional photos will be available for the asking.  Try to  pitch it as with a gentle reminder that you really want your guests to enjoy and take part in the ceremony, and save their memory cards for later in the evening when the professional photographer won’t be there, rather than an imperious “no cameras please” edict.

If your guests know they can get copies of their favourite moments, they will be able to relax, and participate fully in the celebrations you’ve worked so hard to plan for them.

2. “Registry office, or location wedding?” The next most important question that you have to answer together is: Do you want a huge family wedding with all the trimmings, a small, intimate ceremony, or even to elope? Take your time over answering this question, and make sure you listen to your fiance as well as making your own feelings clear.  All the little compromises you’ll need to make along the way [and there will be many of them!] will be so much harder if you feel that you’re not getting the wedding you really want in the first place.

3. “Who’s Paying, and How Much?” Before you spend a single cent, make sure you know how much you have to play with. It makes absolutely no sense to go into debt over your wedding, and this is the time and place to set your budget limits.  Once you know your total budget, allow around a 60/40 split for reception costs and everything else. From there, work out the costs that you cannot change – your marriage licence, for example – you’ve gotta have it, and there’s no negotiating the cost on that – and the few items and ideas you’d like the freedom to splurge on, whether it’s a particular style of catering, wedding shoes, your dream venue, or the musician you just have to have. Then work to that costing level for every single item, and be ready to compromise. Get in the habit of beginning your vendor interviews with the sentence “We have $x to spend on this part of the wedding. What can you offer us for that amount?”
If you don’t need much by way of wedding gifts, it may be that your mother-in-law or maiden aunts would be delighted to “buy” your wedding cake, garter, veil, jewellery, or whatever. But whether it’s you, or some beloved benefactor who’ll be footing the bill, make sure you make every single dollar count.

4. “Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner?” It’s a good idea to separately make a preliminary guest list, and perhaps ask your parents to suggest a shortlist of family members you COULD invite. Remember to include your bridesmaids and groomsmen, and your immediate family in this list. Then combine the lists, creating a master list sorted roughly into people who made more than one of the lists, plus other people you really want to, or feel you really ought to invite and others you would quite like to attend. Decide whether you want to invite children, and if you’re willing to make exceptions for close family. Will you be inviting single guests to bring a partner, or just themselves?  Bearing in mind that every extra guest will impact on the cost of the reception, and ultimately on the size of the venue, and with an attitude of compromise, work through to a final shortlist.

5. “When?” The time of year and even the day of the week will have some impact on your wedding, not only in the cost, but the ability of out-of-town guests to attend, and how much time you’ll get to spend with them while they’re in town. A summer Saturday is peak time. Consider a Friday evening summer wedding, to take advantage of daylight savings and have the rest of the weekend to spend with family and friends, or a Saturday morning ceremony with a brunch or lunch celebration. If you plan your wedding for Autumn or Winter, you’ll have the advantage of wedding vendors who aren’t stretched with a billion other weddings going on, off-peak rates, and reliably terribly weather – no unpleasant surprises there!

6. “Church or Civil Ceremony?” Discuss your own preferences first, but be aware of the possible expectations of your families. Even if you’re “not religious”, some people enjoy the romance and tradition associated with a church wedding. [And some people hate it. The question is, which do you prefer?] Visit as many venues as you can, and interview a number of Ministers and/or Civil Celebrants, to make sure you get the best possible match for your ceremony.

7. “What’s going to happen at the Reception?” This is really questions 7 – 97.  Although your guests are coming for your wedding ceremony, they’re staying for the reception. Research your options thoroughly, and make sure you consider your options from your guests’ point of view! It’s the little things that can make or break the event for your guests – so ask LOTS of questions: How easily can guests get from the ceremony to the reception venue [and back home again?] Will there be enough parking and plenty of toilets? What’s the seating like? How does the venue handle heating/cooling, wet weather options, etc? How will children be accommodated? What about the very elderly? Where’s the dance floor in relation to where the guests will be sitting? Can the caterer meet any dietary requirements?
Think about any recent events you’ve attended, and identify what made them great or terrible in your estimation. Then ruthlessly apply that same standard to your own celebrations.

8. “Dine in or Take-Away?” Your single biggest wedding cost will most likely be the food and beverages. When you’re comparing catering options, make sure you know what’s included in the price, and what will be extra, [such as table cloths or bar staff]. If money is tight, ask your caterers to suggest ways to cut costs – you may not need a dessert course if you have a good cake, and nibbles might just be an expensive luxury. Get clear answers about how much deposit you’ll need to pay, and what the policy is for guest cancellations. Once you start narrowing down your options, make sure you get written, itemized quotes, and don’t leave your final decision too late, especially if your wedding is during peak wedding season. Alcohol can be a huge cost, and you’ll need to plan carefully so that you don’t completely blow your budget there!

9. “Who are the VIPs and other key players?” Your wedding is not just about the two of you – there are a number of other key players who should feature in your planning: VIP guests: identify the 10 most important guests, and make sure that the event you’re planning will be something they will really enjoy.  The Wedding Party: Your bridal party will be one of your best assets, or your biggest hassle, so choose carefully. Consider how reliable, responsible and organised the people you’re considering as your bridal attendants are. Your Staff: Your Celebrant, photographer, event co-ordinator, etc, will be up close and personal throughout your wedding. It’s essential that you get on with them, have confidence in  their abilities, and be willing to listen to their direction so that you can get the benefit of their experience.

10. “Just who is in charge here?” By all means, have as much input as possible into the planning of your wedding day. But once you’ve signed off on the various decisions, step back, and let it happen. There’s nothing worse than a bride or groom [or their oh-so-well-meaning maiden aunt] micro-managing  [or completely changing the game plan] on the day. You are paying your various professionals a large chunk of money, and you’ve engaged them because you believe they will do the job. So now let them. Spend your day celebrating, making memories, and spending precious moments with your family and friends.

Wedding Memorabilia: Don’t let on that I told you, but, honestly? The wedding industry pretty much exists to sell things to you. Be a savvy consumer, and don’t get sucked into the hype – consider carefully every wedding related item you’re buying that you think will make a lovely keepsake – because you really don’t need very many. Put together a wedding album, and perhaps keep your wedding dress for future generations. But do you really need a wedding guest book? with a feather pen? Special “once only” wedding shoes?  If you really want them, make sure they’re future-proof – cute and comfy shoes you’ll wear often and with pleasure, a really nice letter writing set, table decorations that match your home or garden decor, so you can really use them again – that kind of thing. You don’t need to have a professional wedding video made, unless you will really watch it regularly, or have family who can’t attend. Rather than cluttering up your cupboards with tons of wedding mementos, leave some space for creating new memories.

Wedding Favors: I know that wedding favors are intended as a thoughtful way of saying thank you to your guests. But far too often they’re meaningless tat. Think about it from their point of view – Your guests don’t need a single scented candle, or a little silver bell. Don’t fool yourself into thinking that cute but costly place card holder is “worth it because it can double as a favor”; what are they going to do with one place card? And would you really want a plastic Frisbee with your friends’ wedding date on it?There are exceptions, but they’re rare. Some ideas that I think could work include: Packaged cupcakes or cookies that double as dessert and place cards, tickets to a local gala being held the next day, a custom-made recipe book with a few favourites from both sides of the family, and one of my favourites – a breakfast bag with some croissants, quality tea bags, and a little pot of jam for out-of-town guests to enjoy the next morning. And, don’t underestimate the value of a personal note. Guests might not register the amount of money you spend, but they will certainly value the time and thought that goes into whatever thank-yous you make.

“Bride” and “Groom” gear: It’s cute to have T-shirts printed with “Mr & Mrs”, but, really, how long are you going to wear them? You certainly don’t need to own multiple pieces of clothing that say “bride” or “groom” because they’ve got a very limited shelf-life. Once the honeymoon is over, there aren’t that many occasions when your wedding swag will get an airing. By all means, wear your status with pride, but don’t blow your budget on it, and choose items that can double as pyjamas or underwear once it passes its use by date.

Massive Guest Lists, with all the trimmings: Sure, you want to celebrate with all of your nearest and dearest. And your work mates. And your maiden aunts, and, and… and every extra guest adds to your wedding bill. You not only have to allow for more in your food and beverage budget, you’ll need more room at your venue, more invitations, more wedding cake, more seats, and ultimately, more money.
You can economise in one of two ways – either invite the whole guest list to a simpler celebration, or invite a smaller group to a fancier one. And to be frank, there’s a huge difference between being invited as a face in the crowd at a drinks and nibbles reception vs being part of an intimate gathering.

Too Many Bridal Attendants: At recent wedding I counted over a dozen members of the bridal party. And while twelve is definitely more than average, large bridal parties are an easy way to spend large pots of money. Even if you don’t pay for their suits and dresses [and you often will], each of those attendants will also need a bouquet or button-hole, a thank you gift, and an invitation to the rehearsal dinner and other parties. So, every bridesmaid or groomsman you add, adds to your overall bill. Which brings the role of  best man and maid of honour back into its proper perspective – choose one or two people who you want to stand beside you as you make your vows, and let the rest come as guests. If you feel the need to give others a special part in your wedding, consider asking them to usher, give a reading during the ceremony, or ask them to fulfil some other role during the reception or ceremony.

Your wedding is not a time to stint on the essentials, but it’s also not the time to mire yourselves hopelessly into debts that will take many anniversaries to pay off. Getting the best value for every dollar makes great sense. As they say, look after the sense/cents, and the dollars will take care of themselves!

It seems that the reluctance stems from two main sources – cash, and self-consciousness. I’ll start with the money question:

While it makes no sense to go into debt for photos, be careful of making false economies:
For example, a mid-range photographer will cost no more than the total cost of “cheap” disposable cameras on tables at the reception: [The hidden cost is that these cameras use film requiring special processing, and honestly, most of the shots will be completely useless.] If you’re going to spend the money, you might as well get photos you’ll want to look at again!

Wedding photographers range in price, from $500 – $5,000. At either end of the price range, it’s a mistake to choose your photographer on price only. The difference between a brilliant and a merely good photographer might be a matter of a few hundred dollars, so you’ll need to do your homework to pick the one that’s right for you. Don’t be in a rush to book the first one you speak to. Take your time. Look carefully at the sample images they show. Each photographer has their own style – it’s important to match the right style of photography. You also should consider the personality of the people who will be actually taking the photos. You will be sharing a great deal of your wedding day with them, and their manner will impact on your day.

When comparing prices, take into account just how much time the photographer will spend with you.
Ask if you get to keep your own negatives/images, or will you have to buy any extra copies directly from them [and at their price]? Do your photos come mounted in a fancy album? How many images will you get for that price? Will there be any enlargements or special processing? How many cameras will be working at your wedding? and so on….
A large part of the difference will also be made up of the way the photographs are delivered to you – fancy processing, leather-bound albums, etc, all add to the cost.

It’s becoming more common for photographers to offer your photos on a disc, which means you only pay to print the photos you want to put into albums or on the wall.Careful, though – this can be another one of those false economies – printing costs add up quickly, and cheap photo-booth style prints simply don’t hold their colour well over time.

Bottom line? If something’s important to you, you’ll find the money for it. My top pick for a wedding photographer in the >$1,000 range is Sandra Johnson Boutique Photography. I’ve used Sandra’s services for a number of years, and am always amazed at how often I find myself with a new ‘favourite photo’ of myself – a rare event for me, normally!

If, however, the problem is that you hate having photos taken of yourself, then you really, really need a professional. Believe me – an amateur will be far more in your face and space than a professional photographer.

Make sure you tell your photographer how you feel, and they will make it possible to keep the posed shots to a minimum , while still capturing images of your celebrations.

James at Tasman Photography is particularly skilled at balancing getting great shots without pressure or fuss. I’ve watched him at work a number of times, and am always impressed by his calm presence. If you’re struggling with the idea of hiring someone to take your photo, I’d definitely recommend that you meet with him!

Wedding photos are also a great opportunity to get pictures of your friends and family, all together in one place, and dressed nicely – how often does that happen?! It’s surprising how rarely a couple or family will have decent photos that don’t require one of them behind the camera. Give clear directions to your photographer about who belongs with whom, and you will not only take the pressure off yourselves, but also have a meaningful gift to include in your thankyou notes!

You might consider having your main formal photo session BEFORE the ceremony. The advantages of this are that you don’t have to have such a long gap between the ceremony and the wedding breakfast – a huge bonus for your guests.

I have observed that couples who have had their photos before the ceremony tend to be more relaxed throughout the rest of the event – not so worried about smudging makeup or crumpling clothing. If you decide to break with tradition and have an early photo session with your groom before the ceremony, ask your photographer to make sure that you do not end up accidentally giving the early arriving guests a sneak preview!

If you are planning to have your photos between the ceremony and the reception, it’s a good idea to take a picnic hamper with snacks, and cooler with juice and bottled water, champagne, glasses, etc.
Chances are, you will have been too nervous to eat much during the earlier part of the day, and it may be some time before speeches etc. allow you to eat freely at the reception. It’s also a nice way to fit in some quiet time together, in the middle of what will be a demanding and busy day for both of you.

When it comes to choosing locations for your photos, don’t simply settle for the nearest pretty garden. Try to choose at least one location that says something about you. It doesn’t seem like it now, but you are creating historical documentation, why not plan to make it a true record of this point in your lives. I’ve seen absolutely stunning wedding photos shot on factory floors, and sports fields, around heavy machinery, fire engines, even ships down at the port, creative locations chosen because the bride or groom worked in that environment.
I’ve also known newlyweds who stopped for coffee and photos at their local Starbucks [where they first met], much to the bemusement of the staff and patrons!
Think about having some photos taken “on the street where you live”,
These spaces might not seem ‘special enough’ to warrant being the backdrop for wedding photos, but as time passes, these are the photos that stimulate the most conversations. If you don’t have the time to head off-site for your photos, plan some fun shots – give the groomsmen matching sunglasses, fake handlebar moustaches, or have them pose holding the bridesmaids’ bouquets, and so on.

Of course, a great photographer will already have suggested most of these things – so if this whole post is ‘old news’ to you – you’ve made an excellent choice!

…well, aren’t they?
And if that’s truly the case, it’s worth spending some time, planning carefully to create an environment that really makes your guests feel special.

Contrary to what you might expect, in your starring role as “The Newlyweds” you probably won’t get to linger over your meal – you’ll be kept busy chatting, getting photos, etc, so rather basing your menu choices around your favourite foods, identify who your VIP guests are, and plan to cater for them. You will not be able to please everyone, so don’t try. Instead, figure out who you most want to honour, and build your celebration around that framework.

This is actually a key point in creating a genuinely memorable event – if your most special guests are, say, your grandparents, then they will probably value good plain food [and lots of it], comfortable seating, quiet music, etc., far more than clever lighting, elaborately plated morsels of food, and a large dance-floor – Which may be the way to head if your VIP guests are your workmates and friends!

Sometimes it works well to essentially host two reception events – an intimate, simple meal with close family immediately after the ceremony, and then a fresh and funky evening event with everyone else. The weird thing is that this can even end up costing less it would to provide the more traditional full sit-down meal with evening entertainment for your whole guest list.

Most often, your guests will arrive at the reception venue before you do, so make sure they know where to go, and plan something for them to do [other than soak up alcohol] while they’re waiting. This is especially true for any children or young adults in the party –the grown-ups will happily make polite conversation, but the kids have already sat politely through  not only the ceremony and group photos, but also the time waiting for the bride to arrive. It’s pretty reasonable to offer them some kind of diversion – from a basic goodie bag, through to their own entertainment, menu, and space to wriggle!

Kids [especially if they're part of the bridal party] need potty breaks. And snacks. And time to run around yelling “boodleyboodleyboodley”. If they’ve made it through your ceremony without fuss, it’s only fair to give them a break at the reception

I very highly recommend the services of Flossie the Balloon Lady, and Meredith Thorpe, Face Painter [ph 548 9135], two local professional entertainers who quietly but effectively create a fun diversion for kids [and often, the adults]. They are also beautifully house-trained – leaving their work space spotless once they’re done.

Even in an informal venue, such as at the beach, thoughtful touches like sunblock, bug spray, chilled water bottles, etc will make your guests feel cared for. No matter how much champagne you’ve ordered, order more fruit juice. Guests are often aware of their alcohol limits, particularly early in the event, and will be very pleased to have soft drink options available. Trust me on this – while it’s poor form to run out of bubbly, it’s much worse to run out of non-alcholic drinks.

Music and entertainment is another area where receptions sometimes fail to reach their goal, simply by not thinking through what you are trying to achieve. Consider the ambience you’re trying to create throughout the event. i think it’s incredibly arrogant for a bride and groom to insist on only their own style of music for the whole time. Certainly, you should play some of your favourites, [even if it's acid rock or baroque strings]. Make the most of it by choosing your  timing – a few specific songs when the two of you arrive at the venue, and for your first dance, for instance. Once again, it comes back to thinking about your VIP guests, as well as what you personally want.

Plan for a variety in musical style and volume through the course of the reception – such as, over dinner, your guests need to be able to converse easily over any background music, not so much later in the evening when you’re wanting them all up and dancing. Cheesy as it sounds, it’s definitely worth including some old-fashioned numbers early in the evening for the grannies in the party, as well as some  loud noise later for the young adults.

The true secret of success really comes from seeing your reception through the eyes of your best-beloved guests. Trust me on this – if you’re making the people you love feel welcomed and cherished, even their polar opposites will see and respect that, but if you try to please everyone, or just please yourselves, you probably won’t quite hit the mark. Why put that much time, money and effort into only going halfway?!

And remember, if you’d like to bounce your ideas off a professional, The Wedding Whisperer’s Corner Store offers a FREE consultancy service, and we’d be delighted to help you make the most of your reception plans!

I’ve complied a [not very short] list of the questions you should know the answers to before you confirm your booking.  You don’t necessarily need to ASK all of them, but here’s some things to keep in mind when you’re making your choice:

It’s a good idea to research at least 3 options, even if you have a clear favourite. If possible, arrange at each option to meet directly with the person with whom you will be liasing for your planning. You should be able to establish a good rapport with the event coordinator or host, and feel confident that they can orchestrate your event to your requirements.
If you’re selecting a venue, visit the space so that you can get an idea of how much room there is, whether the decor will compliment or clash with your colour scheme, etc.

COSTS: Even in the early stages, you should be able to get a ballpark figure to compare costs. When you’re asking for a ballpark quote, make sure you use the same numbers at each venue, of course!

Questions to ask include:

How are the charges calculated? Is there a set fee and/or a per-head charge? Maybe I’m cheely, but I reckon it’s always worth asking whether there are any criteria [day, date, party size etc] that might attract off-peak or discounted rates.
Is there a discount or surcharge for a significantly large or smaller than average number of guests?
How long is your booking for? Is there a time limit on your celebration?
Is it possible, and/or how much will it cost to extend that deadline, if required?
Are there any regulations in place regarding noise level, sale/consumption of alcohol, etc?

Exactly what is included in the charges?
What is NOT included? Some quotes will include everything, down to table decorations. Some quotes won’t even provide tables!
Will the meal be a set menu, or will guests have an option of entrees, mains and desserts?
How do they cater for with guests with special dietary requests?
Are any drinks included in the price? [Often not alcohol, but what about juice, or tea and coffee?]
Can you supply your own wines, or must you have the house brand? Can you bring in personalised wines or specialty liqueurs? Is there a corkage fee?  Do you need to provide a bartender?

Who does what? Are you able to arrange some of the details, and/or comparison shop, or are you required to use the suppliers recommended by the venue?

Once you have a written quote, are prices subject to change?
What is the policy for deposits and cancellation fees?

Specific to choosing a venue: If possible, have a look at photos of other recent functions at the venue. Ask specific questions about what you see: “Is THAT included in this quote or is it extra?”
Are you able to decorate the venue and/or gardens?
What are the options in extremely cold, wet or even hot weather? Is there adequate shelter from sun, wind or rain? Does the venue provide additional heating or cooling if required? May you set up a marquee?

What is the time-line for set up and pack down? How early can the decorators, florist, musicians, techs, etc get access to the venue to start setting up? What is the deadline for removing any decorations after the event?
What is the absolutely latest that the last guest will have to be gone by?

How much of the venue space will you have access to?
Can guests use any surrounding garden areas?
What is the policy on rice, confetti, etc.
Will you have sole use of the venue, or will it be open to the public, or hosting another group elsewhere on-site?
If it is a multi function site, how private will your function be?
And how well will your function be signposted? [you don’t want your guests turning up at the wrong wedding breakfast!]
When fully placed, does the set-up allow for ease of movement for elderly or disabled guests?

What are the toilets like? Seriously. Go and have a look at them. Remember it’s these seemingly little, unimportant things that will build or detract from your event as a whole. If not for the sake of your guests, then for the fact that the bride’s gonna need to use the ladies room at least once.
Will there be sufficient parking for all your guests [and any suppliers’ delivery vehicles]?

Ha! And, I’ve just noticed that all of these questions don’t make any real mention of the specifics of what the actual food is like! sigh.

I know, when you lay it all out like this, it seems a tad OCD, and yet… Your reception is a very improtant component of the event as a whole. Asking the right questions at the beginning of the process will help you to choose the best venue for your requirements, and help you have the best wedding possible!

How cool is that?!

And, and, I’m pleased to note that it’s not the sole domain of the screaming queen or the tomboy, either. Couples are simply choosing their closest friends or family, and by doing so observing the true heart of the tradition, not just the commonest form! Yay!

That said, being chosen as maid or matron of honour is supposed to be a great honour. In reality, sometimes, it’s a great pain in the butt. What makes the difference often comes down to the bride and her Honour Attendant clearly agreeing on the specifics of the role right from the beginning.

The bride may ask the Honour Attendant to help choose the bridesmaids’  dress, shoes jewellery or other accessories. However that goes, be sure you are clear about who is expected to pay for which items.

As a general guideline, the person paying the bill should have the most input into what is purchased. This also applies to paying for hairstyling, manicures, etc. In a nutshell, [and it goes both ways] if you’re asking for something out of the ordinary, then it’s unreasonable to expect someone else to be footing the bill for it.
The mores of etiquette recommend that the Honour Attendant is the one to let guests know details of where the couple are registered, or what’s on their gift wish list, as well as hosting the bridal shower, hens night, or bachelorette party (assuming that the bride wants one).  In reality, the bride will most likely be involved in the planning of her pre-wedding celebrations, but any invites and RSVPs should come through the Honour Attendant.
On the day: The Honour Attendant should be ready and able to help the bride handle any last minute details. This includes being available to accompany the bride to the bathroom, if her dress needs wrangling, and carrying a stash of practical items such as tissues, a comb, lippy, etc for touch ups that might be needed along the way.
When the bridal car arrives at the wedding venue, the Honour Attendant helps with the bride’s veil and bride’s bouquet, and lays out the train, etc, as the bridal party is assembling and oversees the entrance of the bridesmaids and page boys and flower girls, as planned during the rehearsal.

The Honour Attendant may be asked to sign the marriage license as an official witness, but this is not always the case.

At the reception, the Honour Attendant usually sits at the head table during dinner, and may be asked to make a speech as well as, or even instead of, the Best Man.

It’s too easy, in the heat of the moment, to forget that the reason a bride chooses her attendants is because these are the people she most wants at her side during her wedding, and in the days leading up to it. No matter what, it’s worth the effort to keep the lines of communication wide open, make sure you have reasonable expectations, and be willing to extend plenty of grace to each other, so that  you can have a day to remember for all the right reasons in the years to come.