modern jesus

Found while browsing Reddit, like anything worth while. But I’d like to present this special selection of IMDB thanks to the users, who felt the need to craft a guide for parents to ensure their children’s Muppet experience isn’t like the bawdy pun-filled childhood they once experienced.

Some standouts include:

• A muppet swings his arm around, about to throw a bowling ball at the head of a man, who is tied to a chair with a bowling pin on his head, the muppet shouts that his hand is stuck and we see him continue to swing his arm around throughout the movie, until he releases the bowling ball into a man’s stomach; the man falls over and gets up moments later, dazed.
• A man wearing a figure-hugging CGI motion-tracking suit covered with small sensor balls is heard saying, “I’m not done with my balls.”
• A male muppet kisses a chicken muppet.
• A man crushes a can in his hands, angrily.

Now I am not the kind of hit man that kills people. If that is what you were looking for, you are in the wrong place. I am the type of hit man that people hire to get rid of problems. I do not break legs, arms nor damage any kind of body parts. Again, you are in the wrong place if that is what you are looking for.

Put simply, what I do is discredit and expose my targets. I have 5 years experience in doing this. I can not give you past cases I have done no matter what you ask for. I have worked very high profile cases where the names are household. I never expose my clients. So do not even think of asking for references. They do not exist. Once my job is over, the evidence disappears. I maintain a very very high profile on the Internet, yet you could not trace me no matter how hard you try. I have a Post Office box for mail that does not come back to me at all. I use untraceable phones and calling systems and maintain untraceable computers. I access the Internet at very heavily used public access points so that again nothing is traceable. I do not have one utility in my name and do not receive mail anywhere other than my untraceable PO Boxes.

Even my license is untraceable to me. I do not work for any government. I do not work for the press. I am not a spy in any way shape or form. I am not writing a book.

Again, what I do is expose people and or discredit them. I remove problems where they should not exist. I do this through a series of web sites, videos, press releases, radio, television, podcasting, whatever medium is needed to take down the target.

Legal and ethical. I work within the law. So do not ask me at any time to break the law. I simply will not do that. So why even consider me? There are a lot of reasons I am used. I expose stories, facts and information that can not come from my clients. I research all the data and make sure it gets out to where it needs to go. I have connections and use them. My clients are always protected and are never visible. It’s part of the reason I remain invisible. It helps protect my clients.

Again, this is real. My fees are fifteen thousand per month payable upon acceptance of a contract plus expenses. This is not negotiable. Time frames for completion of any given contract can not be fully given. Only estimated. A contract could be completed in one month or it could take as long as 18 months on high profile political or celebrity status. That has been my experience.

Once a new contract is accepted, this site will disappear.

This fact hit me today. It doesn’t matter that I have been on a hugely restrictive diet for two weeks, that I have paid a huge chunk of dosh to my surgeon or that I have been buying essentials (PJs and TV shows from iTunes) for the last two weeks, this process has not seemed real.

In reality I probably won’t really believe I am having the surgery until after I wake up from the anesthetic. It might be a coping mechanism or just that I am scared but either way it’s going to happen.