Here’s a new video from my comedy troupe Three Legged Race. I’m not in it, but I did direct and edit, so in a way, I’m all in it.

I finished one significant project today. It’s a 9-episode webseries with Three Legged Race, my sketch/improv/video/occasional Renaissance Faire, but we don’t talk about that troupe.

It’s called the National Gelatinous Cube Attack Hotline, and the concept is fairly simple. It’s a series of calls to a hotline that helps people out when they’re attacked by gelatinous cubes, or when they want to prevent gelatinous cube attacks. I wrote the series, and I play the unnamed Hotline operator.

The impetus for the series was actually a sketch that didn’t make it into 3LR’s most recent sketch show, Front for Evil. The sketch was about orcs playing the orcish equivalent of Dungeons and Dragons. But one of the members of the gaming group was a pesky little kobold, and on this day, he had brought along his pet gelatinous cube.

The sketch really didn’t work, being simultaneously too complicated and too meta, but I still felt strongly that gelatinous cubes aren’t represented in comedy nearly enough. So…

Here’s the full 9-part series. Episodes 1 and 2 are actually just voice-overs; the live action watching stuff doesn’t come until episode 3. Were I doing it over again, I would probably forgo those two. I’m not offended if you skip them.

Episode 1: Prologue. This is simply the voice mail menu you hear when you call the NGCAH.

Episode 2: Status Report. Want to know what gelatinous cube activity has been reported in Lincoln Park? Here’s the update.

Episode 3: Green Slime. The NGCAH has no tolerance for people who do not obey the menu.

Episode 4: Rebellious Kids. Sometimes the NGCAH can help parents with issues that aren’t gelatinous cube-related.

Episode 5: Gift Options. Did you know that you can order gelatinous cube gifts? You can! Featuring Doug’s famous, and now sadly repainted, pretty pretty princess room.

Episode 6: Neighborhood Watch. Don’t wait for the gelatinous cubes to attack to take action!

Episode 7: The Dog. Sometimes the only thing worse than having a gelatinous cube in your apartment is not having a gelatinous cube in your apartment.

Episode 8: Donation. You should donate to the National Gelatinous Cube Attack Hotline. Of course, you may wind up donating more than you intended.

Episode 9: Trapped! Finally, we see what happens when somebody is actually trapped in a gelatinous cube. Featuring the acting debut of SSCHSCHSCH, the gelatinous cube, as the gelatinous cube.

Marriage is a three-legged race.  When we pledge ourselves to our partners for life, God sees us in many ways as one person.  We are bound to each other.

This can cause a number of problems.  It’s awkward to try to run with someone tied to us.  We have to re-learn how to move so that we don’t throw our spouse off-balance.  If our spouse runs at a different pace or with a different rhythm (which they almost always do), we have to make adjustments to find a happy medium.

Should our spouse fall, it doesn’t do us much good to try to drag them along.  We have to reach out and lift them up.  This can be time-consuming and frustrating, especially for those of us who are goal-oriented and competitive.  We can see all the other couples passing us by, and the further behind we get, the more irritated we become.

We might feel tempted to scold and blame our spouse.  At best, these might shame our spouse into getting back up, but they won’t ever help the relationship.  Nagging doesn’t help.  Making jokes at our spouse’s expense does not help.  The only thing that will get us back into the race with a committed and enthusiastic partner is to stop and go at his or her pace.

I didn’t come to know Christ until five years into my marriage.  My wife had been a Christian since she was a young girl, and my sudden enthusiasm for following the Lord was a welcome change but somewhat shocking for her.  I quickly committed to all kinds of Christian activities that we weren’t accustomed to.  Church, Bible studies, volunteering, tithing, teaching, conferences, service projects…you name it.

Before long, I realized that I had left my wife far behind me.  Her walk with the Lord had been moving at a much slower pace for many years.  Now, I was trying to force her to go from that walk to a sprint in just a few, short months.  I was disappointed that she wasn’t growing as quickly as I was, and I tried to push her along to catch up with me.  All this accomplished was getting her to dig in her heels and start resenting me for trying to make her go faster than she was ready to go.

Over time, I’ve learned to slow down.  God won’t allow me to cross the finish line without my wife.  We are a team, and the rules of the three-legged race are that you finish together.  When I relaxed and allowed my wife to find her own pace with the Lord, she began to grow faster and faster.

I’ve also learned that fast isn’t necessarily good.  Much of my early speed was about doing, doing, doing for the Lord, but not all of my doing was God’s will. I have a list of things I volunteered for that turned out to be disasters.  If I had slowed down and gone at the Lord’s pace for me, I might have grown more quickly.  Now, instead of doing, doing, doing for the Lord, I’m trying to learn about being, being, being with Him.

It doesn’t matter how super-spiritual you are or how much the world needs you, if you are married, you can’t go faster than your spouse and please God.  Your first ministry is to the one you’ve committed your life to.  Stop, go back to where you left him or her, and help your spouse get back on his or her feet.  Then, run (or walk) the race together at the pace of the slowest person.  You might find that there was much you were missing by going so fast – the first of which will be the joy of running the race together.

What are you doing for the 4th of July?  How about some retro fun?  I’ve noticed that most old fashioned activities don’t cost much… and they are lots of fun.  I guess I can have my pie and eat it too.

Here are a few ideas that might take you back a few years…

Three Legged Race

• a bandanna for each team
• a whistle
• crepe paper for a finish line (to get your photo finish!)

Watermelon or Pie Eating Contest- I don’t know about you but I have a hard time thinking about a pie that I slaved over being gobbled down in seconds… so I’ll opt for the watermelon.

Water Balloon Toss- A team of two tosses the water balloon to each other.  With each successful catch you take a step back.  You can also play in teams of three, two people hold either side of a large towel and try to catch the balloon on the towel. 

• filled water balloons
• you can also play with large towels (great for littler kids)

Taffy Pulling (of course!)

Hula Hoop Contest- I used to rock at these… see who can go the longest.

• hula hoops for contestants

Wheel barrow race- one contestant holds the legs of the other while that person races on their hands

• strong arms!
• a whistle to start the race
• crepe paper for a finish line

Horse Shoes- many parks have courts if you are lucky enough to find them.  I have a Rubber Horse Shoe Set that is fun for little kids.

• horse shoes
• two stakes
  

Bean Bag Toss

• bean bags – I’ve sewn them from small pieces of fabrics and filled them with beans.
• targets- any thing from a large piece of strong card board with holes cut in it to buckets placed with different points depending on distance.

Thinking about these activities really takes me back to my childhood… to blazing hot July 4th’s complete with sparklers, fireworks, watermelon and great memories.

The ingredients that make any child’s party a fun and fond memory…

Birthday Cakes

Don’t let the little one’s run riot at your child’s party, instigate the fun and games! Children love it when adults join in because we teach them new games (well, old games to us). Get back in touch with your inner child right now with this nostalgic guide to the best childrens games that will tire them (and probably you) out!

Balloon Relay

Divide the children into two or more equal teams and stand them in a line. Give each team ten balloons in a basket. The first in each line takes a balloon and runs to the other side of the room/yard and sits or stomps on the balloon to pop it.  After popping the balloon they run back to the line and tag the next person who does the same thing. The game goes on until one team has popped all of their balloons. The winning team gets a small prize (like a ribbon) while EVERYONE gets a small toy.

Hide and seek

This is another favourite children’s party game. Pick a child (“It”) and everyone else hides. It goes to find them. As the children are found, they join “It” and the game continues until all the others are found.

Tug of War

This children’s party game is so well-known it hardly needs explaining. Divide the group into two teams of relatively equal weight. On the mark, each team tries to pull the  rope and other team across the line.

Musical Chairs

This children’s party game requires one fewer chairs than the number of children. Play a snippet of music while the children move around. When the music stops each child tries to sit on a chair.  The child who can’t find a chair is out.  One chair is taken away and the game continues. Last child remaining wins.

Sack race

Everyone loves this children’s party game. Put each child in a sack and get them to hop to the finish line.

Mummy wrap

This children’s party game requires one roll of toilet paper for every 2 children. Divide the children into teams of two. Each team gets a roll of toilet paper. One child wraps the other into a mummy. Only the eyes are allowed to be visible. First team to finish wins.

The Memory Game

On a tray, place about 10 to 15 small items (e.g. pencil, watch, comb, shoe lace, spoon, toy car, etc.) and cover with a cloth. Sit everyone in a circle. Place the tray in the middle of the circle and remove the cloth for 60 seconds.  Everyone has to remember the objects.  When the time is up, replace the cloth. In turn, each person has to name an object on the tray.  The first person to fail to name an object, repeat an object or name something not on the tray is out.  The tray is then removed and some or all of the objects replaced, and the game re-started. If the game is too easy for the group, add more objects or reduce the time. (If you’d like to know how to always win at this game, download my book!)

Three-legged race

This children’s party game is great fun for everybody. Divide the children up into pairs of roughly equal height. Tie the right leg of one child to the left leg of the other. Start the race. The first pair to cross the finish line wins.

Pass the parcel

Wrap a small gift in 10 layers of paper. Play a snippet of music while the gift is passed around. When the music stops the child holding the parcel unwraps one layer of paper. The game continues until the last layer is removed. This children’s party game is very popular as the winner gets to keep the present.

Pass the parcel

Pin The Tail on The Donkey

For this you need to attach a picture of a donkey (you can make one or buy one) to a door or wall. Detach the tail and put some Blu-Tack at the end of it. Blindfold the first child (usually the birthday child) and spin him or her around three times. Face the child in the right direction and ask them to stick the tail on the donkey. Write the child’s name in the spot where they stick the tail. Remove the tail for the next child’s turn. Play on until everyone has had a turn.The winner is the child who sticks the tail nearest to where the tail should be.

British Bulldog

Soft grass is needed for this one! Line the children up at one end of the garden. One player is to be the “bulldog”, and starts by standing in a central position facing the other players. When the bulldog shouts “British Bulldog” the players must try to run past the ‘bulldog’ across the field without getting caught (tagged). The bulldog must try to catch as many players as possible, either by tackling them, or tagging (less rough). Those caught then stay in the middle and become bulldogs for the next round. The last player left wins!

Include some of these best loved party games at your child’s birthday bash and success is most definitely in the (party) bag!

The next best thing

Joe’s Bar & Grill is long gone. Joe’s was the place my brothers and I frequented for a number of years. In fact, both of the twins tended bar at Joe’s from time to time.

Alexion’s is a neighborhood bar introduced to the Ingram softball team by the team that represented the St. Paul Roman Catholic Seminary. They were our biggest rivals for a number of years, but we often shared a few pitchers of beer at Alexion’s following our hard-fought games. I took that picture in 2008. I’m guessing the establishment is still doing business.

Joe’s bar was run by Joe and Emma Haberstroh – a German couple who eventually sold the place, retired, and moved back to Germany. The people who bought the bar cleaned and painted the place – removing all the atmospheric dirt – and it was never the same.

Joe’s is on my mind today because our local Thrivent for Lutherans chapter is planning a good old-fashioned summer picnic to be held at Christ the King Lutheran Church in August.

Joe’s used to host three picnics every summer. Joe’s was the Elliot section of Pittsburgh’s version of Cheers. It was the place where everyone knew your name. The regular customers were a good group of people who liked to eat, drink, and sing.

Joe had an extremely large fishbowl brandy snifter that he kept on a shelf behind the bar. It could probably hold more than a gallon of liquid. But Joe used it to hold money… the contributions made by the regular customers.

I doubt if Joe and Emma (Emma did all the cooking and acted as the waitress) ever received a tip. But customers left money on the bar and tables to be added to the brandy snifter. That money accumulated all year long and was used to finance the picnics.

The picnic planning committee would reserve a place with a shelter and a ball field. (The best place also had a dance hall!) On the morning of the picnic, the regular customers would show up at the bar bright and early and start loading their cars. There were cases of beer and soda, large pots and pans, and many coolers filled with food and ice.

When we arrived at the picnic grounds, Emma would set up her portable kitchen and start cooking hot dogs and sauerkraut, corn on the cob, Pittsburgh Bar-b-que, and other tasty treats to go along with the potato salad and coleslaw she’d already prepared. The food table would also be piled high with cold cuts, cheeses, and various types of bread and rolls.

In the meantime, laundry tubs were filled with beer and soda and lots of ice.

Soon, the horseshoe games were set up along with the volley ball and badminton nets. Softball games were started and people who weren’t interested in any of those activities were tossing Frisbees or footballs. If a swimming hole was close by, many of the teenagers would head in that direction.

Yes, these were family picnics. Everyone was invited to bring their entire families.

At some point, the organized contests began. The three legged race, the sack race, and the egg toss were among the favorites. One year one of my brothers rented a very heavy stuffed bull. Contestants grabbed the ‘bull’ by its rope tail and threw it. The technique used was similar to the Olympic Hammer throw.

In case anyone is unfamiliar with the hammer throw…

Now, imagine someone using a similar technique to throw a stuffed bull.

Interestingly enough, the people who threw the most bull at the bar were not among the top finishers of this event.

Once the sun set, a bonfire was lit. We’d all gather around the fire and someone would start the singing. We sang all the old time favorites – Shine on Harvest Moon, By the Light of the Silvery Moon, I’ve Been Working on the Railroad, and many others.

While the older folks were singing and enjoying the fire, the younger kids were busy catching lightning bugs and teenagers were spending time in the dance hall or simply walking in the moonlight.

All too soon, it was time to pack up and head home. Everyone had had a wonderful time. If it was June, we’d start looking forward to the July picnic. If it was August, we’d start looking forward to next summer… and encouraging everyone to be generous with their donations to that brandy snifter.

I know it’s been months now since the Three Legged Race/Bar Crawl Fundraiser for the Riviera Maya Bomberos, but I’ve just now been given the resulting video of the event, made by my talented friend, Ken Brownlee, of Visual Media Productions. Can you spot Sara and me?

If you’d like to learn more about the history and current mission/goals of the Riviera Maya Bomberos organization, here is a video of the incomparable Comandante/Director Brian Borjesson

Thanks again, from the bottom of my heart, for your continued support of the Riviera Maya Bomberos.  Hopefully we will never need them, but it’s reassuring to know we’ve got them on our side.

Confession…  I’ve been quite horrible about fitting in Family Night the last few months.  I got out of the habit over the holidays and just haven’t regained my Family Night momentum.  But leave it to Heather to come into town and whip me into shape!  Our theme was Field Day… Whittaker and Wilsons unite!

We started with the football throw.

Then onto the dizzy race…. which was hilarious to watch!

Next up the running long jump.

I’ve always believed the three-legged race is a field day must… and it provides a lot of laughs!

You can’t forget the egg toss.

Check out sweet Sohaila’s face.

And the grand finale… a race!

I’d have to say a good time was had by all.  But the best part was watching the kids interact.  These two might have a future together… who knows!?!?

And Gage spend the whole three-legged race trying to hold Seanna’s hand… but she would have no part of it!

And these two… they were just too adorable for words.  The two of them together are almost more cuteness than I can handle.

I was so glad Heather and Carlos came to visit for many reasons… but I definitely needed the reminder that Family Night is suppose to be simple.  It took us 10 minutes to throw Field Day together… it took Pete a little longer to secure the ribbon pattern.  We only needed about 4 supplies… a bat, eggs (borrowed from a willing neighbor) a football, and yarn.  Give it a try, it’s always a hit with the kids!

Pete has a video of field day in action.  Visit it HERE.

We’re just three days away from the annual Three Legged Race/Bar Crawl to benefit the Riviera Maya Bomberos.

The struggling economy has proved difficult for fundraising this year,  and it’s fairly apparent we’re not going to meet or exceed last year’s donation total, but we’re still pretty stoked that we’ve raised a total of 1,422 usd to date!!!  Yay, you people!

If any of you are in town, you MUST come down to La Ranita Bar, part of La Rana Cansada hotel on Calle 10 between avenidas 5 and 10, starting at 7 pm.  Will this be the year that Heather’s “no-puke streak” ends? Only time will tell.

There’s still time to help our hardworking, life-risking firefighters earn money for needed equipment and training!  No donation is too big or too small, every single centavo helps.

And remember, the highest individual donor gets to go on a date with Sara and Heather!

If you’d like to sponsor our team and raise money for Firemen who desperately need you, please donate by going to www.PayPal.com and clicking on the link that says “send money.” Then just follow the prompts to donate directly to us by using the following email address:

info@caribesunrise.com

Please be sure to write in your comments/subject line “Three Legged Race.” We will keep you updated with donation totals.

For further information or to register your team please call: 984-135-1233 or e-mail:

kegsbar@hotmail.com

We are also taking business/corporate sponsors!!  Contact us at info@caribesunrise.com or editor@playamayanews.com if you’d like to be mentioned on Playa Maya News, Playa.info, and Heather in Paradise!!

Since my BFF Sara already started a “detox” diet and I started one today, we decided together to have a “last stand” at her house last Saturday.  Hilarity ensued.

When I saw the photos we took of our wine/Almond Joy/gummi bear/Hershey’s bacchanalia, I couldn’t help but think that these photos would show all of our Three Legged Race sponsors just what an Olympics-quality team they’re standing behind.

For anyone considering sponsoring us, don’t miss your chance to win a date with these chicas by being the highest individual donor; they truly know how to have a good time.  Our friend Maureen saw these photos and said we remind her of Lucy and Ethel.  That was one of the greatest compliments I’ve ever gotten…Sara and I crack each other up.

I don’t feeeel so good.

I’m not sleeping, I’m just resting my eyes.

Do we have anything in our teeth?

If you’d like to sponsor our team and raise money for Firemen who desperately need you, please donate by going to www.PayPal.com and clicking on the link that says “send money.” Then just follow the prompts to donate directly to us by using the following email address:

info@caribesunrise.com

Please be sure to write in your comments/subject line “Three Legged Race.” We will keep you updated with donation totals.

For further information or to register your team please call: 984-135-1233 or e-mail:

kegsbar@hotmail.com

We are also taking business/corporate sponsors!!  Contact us at info@caribesunrise.com or editor@playamayanews.com if you’d like to be mentioned on Playa Maya News, Playa.info, and Heather in Paradise!!

Ok, I can see that this year, with the economy in the shitter, I’m going to have to incentivize y’all’s sponsorship of our Bomberos Three Legged Race team for the fundraising bar crawl on March 20.

Sara and I, two of the finest and most obnoxious chicks in Playa, will take the highest individual donor out for a dinner date at El Fogon restaurant the next time they are in Playa.

Check these bitches out.  You can’t find a better deal than this on no mofo craigslist.

If you’d like to sponsor our team and raise money for Firemen who desperately need you, please donate by going to www.PayPal.com and clicking on the link that says “send money.” Then just follow the prompts to donate directly to us by using the following email address:

info@caribesunrise.com

Please be sure to write in your comments/subject line “Three Legged Race.” We will keep you updated with donation totals.

For further information or to register your team please call: 984-135-1233 or e-mail:

kegsbar@hotmail.com

We are also taking business/corporate sponsors!!  Contact us at info@caribesunrise.com or editor@playamayanews.com if you’d like to be mentioned on Playa Maya News, Playa.info, and Heather in Paradise!!

Pop Quiz Hot Shot!

Sure 2009 is almost here, but what is the next animal in the Chinese Zodiac?

The Year of the Stitch??  Wrong!!

The Year of the Hello Kitty??  Wrong again!!!

The Year of the Bugs?  Wrong again … again!!

Three strikes for you Hot Shot!!

I’ll narrow it down for you.

That’s right Hot Shot! It’s going to be … The Year of the …

COW!!!!!!!!  COW!!!!!!!   COW!!!!!!!!   COW!!!!!!!!!   COW!!!!!!!!

note: in Japan it’s called the “Year of the Cow” not the “Year of the Ox“.  All the merchandise is ready for January 1st!! It makes life so much easier.

double note: in Japan people send New Year’s postcards. The Post Office keeps the cards and waits until January 1st to deliver them all!! How cool is that? mildly cool I guess.

triple note: on January 1st in Japan, the “National 3 Legged Race” championships are televised. All the best Junior High School teams compete to be #1!   Not just 2 people with their legs tied together, but 20 or so people. (seriously)  It does look pretty cool!  

quadruple note: if you hover the cursor over the pictures, there is a little caption. That takes time you know! … just saying.

http://humor-blogs.com/

Today is Election Day, and your only real responsibility is to vote. Whether you’re affixing a stamp to an absentee ballot or pulling the lever in a voting booth, get out there and make your opinon heard!

But, we in the youngest (and perhaps extremely influential) voting demographic also reserve our right to party! And after all the ballots are cast, tonight is shaping up to be the biggest party night in America. So after you’ve done your civic duty, grab your friends and get ready to watch the returns with these creative suggestions:

The Setting:

Make sure you have the essentials: a television and ample seating room. But why not spruce up the space for the occasion? If you’re lucky to have the day off from classes today (as we do at my school– thank you, Fordham!), take a few minutes to make some posters! Rasterbator is an online application that will make any image you choose into a poster up to 20 meters in size. (The image will be blown up and printed out in pieces on regular 8 1/2 x 11″ sheets of paper, so you just assemble the sheets like a grid.) It’s really quick, extremely simple, and only requires the internet and a printer.

The Games

Take it a step further by printing two posters (one of Obama and one of McCain) and grabbing some construction paper. Cut out 50 squares from construction paper and label them with the names of each state. Have your guests tack each respective state onto the poster of the candidate who wins it, to keep track of election returns.

If you and your friends are rooting for different candidates, make the night interesting with a little friendly (yet apolitical) competition! While waiting for the results of the election to unfold, pass the time with a few innocent games. Ask your McCain fans to wear something red, and your Obama fans to wear blue. Play team versions of 20 Questions, Catch Phrase, or Charades. If you have outdoor space, hold a Three-Legged Race or a Tug-o-War, depending upon how many people you can gather for your party.

Not into physical exercise? It’s ok; we’re not either. Drinking games are more our speed, so grab a couple cases of beer (or some red and blue booze!) and play this game until you puke we elect a president.

The Food

There’s no better way to celebrate democracy than with some classic American grub. Fill up while the votes pile up with some hamburgers! Order out or make your own ‘Bama Burgers/ Palin Patties. And for the vegetarians among us, serve up a (Bi)Partisan Pizza Pie with this healthy recipe.

And how about some election-themed desserts? Try following this recipe for sugar cookies and buying red and blue icing. As you’re watching the election returns, eat a red cookie every time John McCain wins a state, and a blue cookie every time Barack Obama wins a state. (You can also do the same with cupcakes.) If baking isn’t your thing, why not pick up a few tubs of vanilla (or other white-colored) ice cream, and some red and blue food dye. Guests can display their party pride (or just their patriotism) with tinted ice cream.

Food, drinks and games – even if your candidate of choice doesn’t win, tonight is gonna be fun. And if he does…well, let’s dance.

Three Legged Race, c’est le projet solo de Robert Beatty, alias Mr Electroniques chez Hair Police, également collaborateur régulier de C. Spencer Yeh au sein de Burning Star Core. Encore extrêmement confidentiel, l’homme n’a sorti aucun véritable album et l’objet dont nous parlons ici est un LP qui réunit deux réalisations sorties séparément en 2006 sur les labels Mountaain et Tone Filth. “Living Order” et “Mourning Order” donc, soit deux morceaux tournants autour de 20 minutes chacun, illustrations très différentes mais complémentaires de l’art de Robert Beatty.

“Living Order” commence en vrai foutoir bidouillé, comme si Beatty cherchait à comprendre comment fonctionnent ses machines. Des hautes fréquences évoluent en circonvolutions lentes, des boucles surgissent puis disparaissent soudainement, des blips et des bloup électroniques cherchent leur maison. Apres 10 minutes à ce régime, la musique commence enfin : un drone glorieux s’élève, absolument minimal et pourtant sublime, tendu jusque dans les cieux. En dessous roulent les basses, et puis viennent des centaines de petits sons qui se baladent, et les oiseaux chantent. Fragmenté en des milliards de petites perceptions réunies dans un seul bloc, ce deuxième mouvement est absolument divin.

“Mourning Order”, soit l’opposé du premier morceau. Plus ténu et secret, ce deuxième acte débute par quelques notes tristes qui se répètent jusqu’à se noyer dans des bruits de clochettes agitées par le vent. Subtil et presque silencieux, “Mourning Order” ressemble à une procession sous la pluie. Drones discrets, boucles de violons, il se dégage une tristesse infinie des différents climats que traverse le morceau, qui s’éteint dans un silence quasi total.

Le moins que je puisse dire, c’est que j’ai été impressionné par ce premier contact avec le travail solo de Robert Beatty. Sans jamais se départir d’une patte noise, Beatty est vraiment capable d’insuffler l’esprit (ou bien le glow comme dirait l’ami phil) à ses compositions, et le résultat s’avère pour le moins splendide.

Three Legged Race – Living Order/Mourning Order (2008, Tone Filth)

1. Living Order
2. Mourning Order

Buckhead, Atlanta

10. He thinks he might know who the father of Stephanie’s new baby is.

9. Britney Spears will face Rey Mysterio at the Great American Bash in a Hair V. Mask match.

8. Shane McMahon has officially changed his name to Simba.

7. He now officially has more myspace friends than Tom.

6. He and Zach Gowen won the Annual WWE Three Legged Race.

5. He is officially suing Petey Williams because Vince believes the Montreal Screw Job proves he is the original Canadian Destroyer.

4. They tried to make him watch the Condemned. He said NO! NO! NO!

3. Hornswoggle was not his illegitimate child… but Vince Russo is!

2. He is suspending himself of 60 days, as he has once again violated his own Wellness Plan.

1. From this point forward, storyline continuity will no longer be such a major concern for the writing staff.

It’s with some embarrassment that I admit Caligula’s Central Park Festival of the Vernal Equinox 2K8 was an unmitigated disaster. Aside from being several days late (scheduling problems forced a weekend date), no one showed up. And well they did not to. My caterers had brought barely enough hobo blood for a party of four, and some sort of impromptu volleyball game had annexed the sand pit I had hoped to use for a three-legged race. I sent the wait staff home with all the leftovers and hopped my segway, heading away from the dismal sight: it was Uncle Gaius’ Liquorless Saturnalia all over again!

I remain infuriatingly helpless when it comes to the movement of Earth:

The first Petroleum ‘Pothetical winner is coming in just a few minutes. But before then, I’m going to once again abuse my blogging power for a bit of self-promotion. And this one is especially for fans in Iowa, and fans of me in a silly outfit.

Next weekend, I’ll be performing with my improv group Three Legged Race at the Iowa Renaissance Festival. It’s at Middle Amana Park in the Amana Colonies May 3-4 (See this page for maps). The hours are 11 a.m. to 6 p.m. both days, and tickets are $10. ($5 for kids.) I’m not sure precisely when we’ll be performing, but if it’s like our previous renaissance fair (yep, we’ve done one before; judge how you will) we’ll be performing about three times a day at various times throughout the day.

So, if your lifelong dream is to see me in Renaissance wear, this is your opportunity! (If that’s your lifelong dream, though, yikes.

This past Saturday, my BF Sara and I teamed up to race in the Third Annual Three Legged Race/Bar Crawl to benefit the Riviera Maya Bomberos (Firemen). This year was the biggest event yet, and donation totals broke all previous records.

This year Sara and I raised 3,200 usd from generous contributions from visitors to her website, www.playamayanews.com and from the website I work for, www.playa.info (last year the most successful team raised only 600 usd!! (Which, incidentally, happened to be my team. Heh.). We also had fantastic corporate sponsorship from Royal Palms Condominiums, Blue Parrot Hotel and Beach Club, Babe’s Noodles and Bar, One Stop Real Estate, Dirty Martini Bar/Hole in the Wall Deli/Bar, and Yucatan Explorer. Caribe Sunrise also played a small role (you know, the greatest vacation rentals/property management company that Michael and I have ever owned).

Our Fire Chief, Brian Borjesson, was pretty gobsmacked by this year’s numbers, and promised to give us grand totals of all teams as soon as possible.

In his years acting as an unpaid comandante, Brian has taken an ill-equipped and undertrained force and has managed to turn out a team of firefighters that could make anyone proud. With less government funding than you might expect, Brian and the Bomberos rely on fundraisers and volunteer training from US firemen/heroes to turn out his top-notch team. This is a cause close to both Sara’s and my heart and we were overjoyed to have played a part in this fundraiser’s success.

This year, since I am in a cast, I was “allowed” to “run” the race in wheelchair, with Sara pushing me. Those with small minds who didn’t apparently realize this was for CHARITY (and also who don’t realize just how frickin’ impossible it is to get around in Mexico in a WHEELCHAIR) beefed (behind our backs, of course) about our “unfair” advantage, but as we predicted, we came in almost last. And f those idiots, anyway. Say some of that crap to my face next time, pendejo, and see what happens. I’ll put you in a wheelchair and see how you like it.

Thanks to Sara’s husband, Steve, I have some photos of the race. The ones I took turned out like crap.

At fair La Ranita Bar, where we set our scene. Notice the “puke tarp.”

Race winners and best lookin’ team, Carlos and Andy

Our two biggest sponsors were Royal Palms Condos with 500 usd and Blue Parrot/Playasia with 200 usd

Hotel Happy Gecko owner Wayne and Kathy

Luck O’ the Irish…that guy looks so much like a big leprechaun that it kind of freaks me out.

My old partner, Mayte, cheating on me with Lavinia. BTW, Ms. Lavinia, the next time you want to tell me I look retarded, you should take a look in the mirror (just so no one gets upset, Lavinia told me I looked ridiculous that night and I told her she should look at herself. So this is not an insult, it’s a joke, between me and MY FRIEND.)

Dutch Treats, Soraya and Jessica. As soon as they got their legs tied together, I heard Jessica say, “Uh oh, I have to pee.”

Vikings!

That final round is pretty rough. For the amateurs. (This is a joke and I did not mean to imply that these people are REALLY amateurs)

She looks a little skeptical

Slowest team of them all, Keith and Chris. They kept hugging everyone with their clammy beer-soaked selves. It was gross. (Just so everyone knows, Keith and Chris are two of my dearest friends and they were clammy and covered in beer, and everytime they hugged me that night, I told them so. So it’s A JOKE.)

The Jasons, who intimidated all comers with their confidence. They even stretched out before the race.

The adorable Smart Ass Blondes

Keith and my pretty Nurse Sara

Gary charming the ladies as usual

More of our sponsors

Soraya and I were feeling no pain! I think she might have even told me she loved me.

I can hardly wait until next year’s event!!

]]> http://heatherinparadise.com/2008/03/11/annual-three-legged-bar-crawl-to-benefit-riviera-maya-bomberos/ Tue, 11 Mar 2008 16:42:37 +0000 heatherinparadise http://heatherinparadise.com/2008/03/11/annual-three-legged-bar-crawl-to-benefit-riviera-maya-bomberos/

Some of you may recall that I am a willing participant each year in the Three Legged Bar Crawl that benefits Playa del Carmen and the Riviera Maya’s Bomberos (Firefighters)…and each year, generous sponsors, including the fine forum members of www.playa.info have helped my team to raise money for much-needed equipment and training. Firemen here get paid a fairly paltry salary by the government, and must raise money to get any equipment/training beyond the bare minimum.

In his years acting as Comandante of the Bomberos, my friend Brian Borjesson has taken a small and ill-equipped fireteam and created a knowledgeable and well-trained department. In addition, he has favorably impacted the training and supplies/equipment of fire departments throughout Quintana Roo. He has done this through the help of some US firefighters from Colorado and California, who come down each year with donations and their top-shelf expertise to train the Bomberos of Quintana Roo at a Fireman’s Academy. This weeklong training exercise is often the only training our firemen will get all year, so its importance cannot be overstated.

Last year, our area was gifted with Jaws of Life for several departments. With the horrific accidents that occur on the highway here, this equipment has already proved invaluable. Last year’s Academy focused on training our Bomberos how to use this equipment, and their demonstration of this technique at the Fireman’s Competition was inspiring to watch.

The time for the infamous Three Legged Bar Crawl/Bomberos Fundraiser is again upon us. Here are the details of this year’s event:

When: Saturday, March 22.
Time: 7 pm
Starting/ending bar: La Ranita bar on Calle 10 between 5th and 10th (part of the Hotel La Rana Cansada)

Participating bars include:
Bar Ranita
Manne’s Biergarten
Casa Tucan
Bad Boys on the beach
Bourbon Street
Tequila Barrel
Babe’s Noodles and Bar

Registered teams must raise at least 600 pesos in donations. Part of this 600 pesos will go to purchase the drinks for the teams, with the balance going to help raise funds for the upcoming Bombero’s Academy. Obviously, the more money raised, the better!

This year the race is being run a bit differently, there is no set pattern/order that you must run in, but you must simply visit each bar on your list at some point, consume a shot of tequila or a beer, then get your race card signed/initialed by the staff member in charge at each bar.

This year, because of this:

I have been given a special dispensation. I will be in a wheelchair, and my teammate, Sara of Playa Maya News, will be pushing me along. We’re bringing along Michael, too, since we’re pretty sure we’ll be unable to navigate that big hill down to Bad Boys alone. As is par for the course, we will be wearing some sort of interesting costume. If you can come out to see what we’re planning this year, I’m sure you won’t be disappointed!

Here is a picture of Mayte and me just before last year’s race:

If any of you are interested in helping Sara and me to collect money for this event, please donate by going to www.PayPal.com and clicking on the link that says “send money.” Then just follow the prompts to donate directly to us by using the following email address:

sales@playamayanews.com

Please be sure to write in your comments/subject line “Three Legged Race.” We will keep you updated with donation totals.

Anyone who’d like more information or would like to put a team together, call 984-135-1233.