1. Ray Mercer over Tim Sylvia

2. Joe Warren over Norifumi “Kid” Yamamoto at DREAM 9

3. Paulo Thiago over Josh Koscheck at UFC 95

4. Brett Rogers over Andrei Arlovski at Strikforce

5. Brian Bowles over Miguel Torres at WEC 42

6. Mark Coleman over Stephan Bonnar at UFC 100

7. Mackens Semerzier over Wagnney Fabiano at WEC 44

8. Jon Jones over Stephan Bonnar at UFC 94

9. Johny Hendricks over Amir Sadollah at UFC 101

10. Tom Lawlor over C.B. Dolloway at UFC 100

Others: Dan Hornbuckle over Akihiro Gono, Frank Edgar over Sean Sherk at UFC 98, Jake Rosholt over Chris Leben at UFC 102, Mike Pierce over Brock Larson at UFC Fight Night 19, Paul Daley over Martin Kampmann at UFC 103, Kimbo Slice over Houston Alexander at TUF 10 Finale, Toby Imada over Jorge Masvidal at Bellator, Choi Mu Bai over Daver Herman at Sengoku No Ran 2009.

MMA Planet’s Heavyweight Rankings

1. Chuck Liddell – Chuck Liddell became the face of MMA and the UFC in this decade.  He has been at the center of launching mixed martial arts into a more mainstream position.  He gets the number one spot because of his dominant time as the UFC Light Heavyweight Champion combined with his popularity outside the octagon. Chuck consistently fought tough competition and notched wins over legends like Randy Couture, Tito Ortiz and Wanderlei Silva.  A 17-6 record this decade was good enough for the fighter of the decade title.

2. Fedor Emelianenko – Fedor had an amazing 31-1 record this decade.  Some may question him not being the number one guy.  I did not put him at number one because he has not consistently fought the top guys.  With that said the Russian heavyweight has wins over guys like Antonio Rodrigo Nogueira, Andrei Arlovski, Tim Sylvia, and Mark Coleman.  It is hard to argue Fedor’s legendary status as the greatest heavyweight of all time.  However, a close second will have to do for the “Last Emperor”.

3. Matt Hughes – It is hard to deny Matt Hughes longtime dominance of the UFC welterweight division.  Hughes is now in the twilight of a hall of fame career.  However, who can forget his fights with the likes of Hayato Sakurai, Carlos Newton, Frank Trigg, Matt Serra, Georges St. Pierre, and Royce Gracie?  Combined he amassed a 30-7 record this decade.  Making him one of the most active fighters of the decade.  Hughes fought some tough guys and was dominant.  He deserves this spot, in fact some may make a case for Hughes as the fighter of this decade.

4. Mirko Cro Cop – Newer MMA fans may have a hard time picturing Mirko Cro Cop as the most feared fighter in the sport, however that is the title he held for many years in PRIDE.  A 25-7-2 decade record is impressive, but still fails to tell the story.  Cro Cop perhaps had more highlight reel knockouts than any other fighters and his head kicks were deadly.  Perhaps the sun has set on this career as well, but he is a legend of legends in the sport.

5. Antonio Rodrigo Nogueira - Antonio Rodrigo Nogueira has had an amazing career.  He may be one of the most well-respected mixed martial artists in the world.  He had a 28-5-1 record in the decade and earned himself heavyweight titles in both PRIDE and UFC.  His record, his big wins, his legendary status, and his status as the best heavyweight jiu jitsu practitioner earn him the number 5 spot.

6. Randy Couture – His record is not as impressive as one would imagine (13-8 this decade), however his accomplishments are great.  He wore the heavyweight and light heavyweight titles, he has notched big victories over big named fighters and at 46-years old he is still going.  His shining moment had to be when he came out of retirement to defeat Tim Sylvia and to capture the UFC Heavyweight title.  Randy gets this high ranking not only for his performance in the cage, but for being the most beloved MMA fighter.

7. Anderson Silva – Anderson may currently be the pound for pound best fighter in the world.  His 25-4 record is impressive, but his continued improvement is even more impressive.  I do not know if I have ever seen a fighter dominate like Silva.  It looks like he has capped of this decade with a convincing win over Forrest Griffin in August.  The UFC middleweight champion will end up being one of the best ever in the sport.

8. Miguel Torres -Maybe there are bigger names ranked lower than Torres this decade, but I give him this ranking for 2 reasons primarily.  First, he is 37-2 this decade.  That is incredible.  The sheer number of fights he has had is staggering, but he has been dominant.  Second, he single handedly made the lighter weight fighters such as the bantamweights (135 lbs.) relevant in the world of MMA.  Plus, you gotta fear the mullet.

9. Georges St. Pierre – His stock is still on the rise.  He is currently the champion of one of the deepest divisions in MMA.  He is immensely popular, especially in his native Canada. He is a driving force of MMA becoming more popular as he signs endorsement deals with major companies.  He is dominant inside the cage.  He is a class act.  He is what the sport needs.  He is the best athlete in mixed martial arts currently and he is still improving.  When all is said and done GSP may very well be viewed as the best ever.

10. B.J. Penn – Penn has held titles in two weight classes in the UFC.  He went over to Japan and beat their lightweight king, Takanori Gomi.  He is widely viewed as the greatest lightweight fighter ever.  The scary thing is that he looks better now than ever.

11. Wanderlei Silva - Wanderlei Silva is a terrifying dude to fight.  He is aggressive and exciting.  The Axe Murder is a true legend as well.  The former PRIDE champion dominated Japan for years and is now gaining a following in the U.S.  His career may be winding down, but true fans cannot forget his performances throughout the decade.

12. Lyoto Machida – A relative unknown until recently, Machida quietly amassed a great record of 16-0.  Now he owns wins over guys like Tito Ortiz, Rich Franklin, Shogun Rua, Rashad Evans and even B.J. Penn.  Many believe that Machida can become a dominant champion.  His unique style and karate base have endeared him to the fans.  Machida is a real person to watch out for in the next few years.

13. Kid Yamamoto Many in the U.S. do not know of Kid Yamamoto, but the truth is that he is a dominant featherweight fighter.  The one thing that hurt his status is that a fight between he and Urijah Faber never came to fruition.  Nevertheless, Kid is a star in Japan and a pioneer in the lighter weight classes.

14. Dan Henderson – The former Olympian has made quite a career in mixed martial arts.  Henderson is a 2 division PRIDE champion.  He boasts big wins throughout his career including wins over Wanderlei Silva, Renzo Gracie and Antonio Rodrigo Nogueira.  He has really led the way with his ground and pound and greco-roman wrestling skills.  In his late 30’s Hendo is still looking for big fights.

15. Mauricio “Shogun” Rua – Shogun burst onto the scene in PRIDE in Japan and became widely viewed as the best light heavyweight in the world.  He lsot some momentum with some injuries and a loss to Forrest Griffin.  However, Rua closed the decade with a KO win over Chuck Liddell and close decision loss to Lyoto Machida.  Shogun has cemented his spot among the decades best.

16. Tito Ortiz – I do not believe Tito has had as good of a decade as Tito would tell you.  However, he was light heavyweight champion in the UFC.  He does have big wins over Vitor Belfort, Wanderlei Silva, Evan Tanner, Ken Shamrock and Forrest Griffin.  However, Tito will be remembered this decade for his feud with Dana White.  Despite mixed feelings about Ortiz no one can deny his skill or popularity.  A stint as a coach on the eleventh season of the Ultimate Fighter may boost that popularity and name recognition even more.  Ortiz will look to have a a few more good years in the decade to come.

17. Urijah Faber - Urijah was a dominant champion in the WEC’s featherweight division before losing his belt to Mike Brown.  Faber’s exciting and creative fighting style makes him a fan favorite.  If you add that he went 22-3 this decade it gives a reason for him being on this list and in great company.

18. Takanori Gomi – Gomi’s collapse since the fall of PRIDE has hurt him, however for a long time he was one of the best lightweights in the world. The problem with Gomi is that he did not seem to be able to beat the UFC guys like Nick Diaz or B.J. Penn. However, Gomi is one of the more popular fighters in Japan and for a long time this decade was the guy at 155 lbs.

19. Rich Franklin – Perhaps his career has gone slightly under the radar.  The former UFC middleweight champion has had a stellar career. He holds notable wins over Evan Tanner, Wanderlei Silva, Ken Shamrock, and Yushin Okami.  The problem for Franklin is he can’t get past Anderson Silva.  Franklin is well-liked by the fans and he is always a warrior in the octagon.  He has had a stellar run this decade with a 25-5 record.

20. Vitor Belfort – The Phenom will take our last spot on top 20 fighters of the decade.  His resurgence of late has moved him into the list. Vitor seemed to be on top of the world prior to a tragedy involving his sister going missing.  That messed up his head.  Vitor seems to be back and will challenge Anderson Silva for the middleweight title.  His lightning quick hands and amazing power make him a force.

21. Quinton “Rampage” Jackson – Rampage has been a solid fighter throughout the decade.  He was a real force at PRIDE, though he never beat the best of PRIDE.  He came to the UFC and became the champion.  He earned big wins over guys like Chuck Liddell, Dan Henderson and Wanderlei Silva who have all had better decades than Jackson.  A razor close decision loss to Forrest Griffin saw him lose his light heavyweight title.  Two stints as an Ultimate Fighter coach, a role as Mr. T, and a road rampage incident that led to his arrest have all made him big news in the past few years.  A showdown with Rashad Evans in necessary.

22. Kazuo Misaki – Misaki is a former PRIDE champion and the 2006 PRIDE Grand Prix champion.  Many may argue for Misaki being ranked higher, but looking at his fight record he struggled against elite competition.  He could never get past big names guys and has career losses to guys like Chris Lytle, Nate Marquardt, Ricardo Almeida, Dan Henderson, Paulo Filho, Frank Trigg, and Jorge Santiago.  However, let us not undermine what Misaki was able to accomplish in the 2000’s.  The Grabaka Hitman apparently has also made a career in the Japanese porn industry which led to a suspension from fighting at the tail end of 2009.  Misaki may get one more fight in on New Year’s eve and a hope to end the decade on a winning note.

23. Forrest Griffin – Forrest is one of the most popular MMA fighters in the world.  He makes this list for several reasons. First, he is a champion.  He was the UFC light heavyweight champion.  He holds huge career wins over Rampage Jackson, Shogun Rua, and Tito Ortiz.  Also, he was the Ultimate Fighter 1 champion.  His fight with Stephan Bonnar at the finale is not just a huge fight in UFC history it was a huge fight in the sport’s history.  Griffin’s popularity and his championship runs have earned him a spot on this list.  However, inconsistency has caused him to be lower than some might expect.  However, all in all a great decade for Forrest Griffin who has gone from police officer to star.

24. Hayato “Mach” Sakurai - Again, not the biggest name for America fans, but the former Shooto champion deserves some recognition.  He may even be ranked higher on some lists, but much of his career dominance was in the latter part of the past decade and this is a list of the best fighters of THIS decade.  Sakurai is still competitive with any fighter in the world today and had a good run as champion of Shooto.

25. Rashad Evans – I honestly think it may be unfair to rank Evans so slow, but the bottom line is that Evans did not debut until 2004 and really did not burst onto the scene until a few years later.  The Ultimate Fighter 2 Heavyweight winner is not just a reality show alum, but he is a bona fide champion.  He defeated Forrest Griffin in spectacular fashion to win the light heavyweight title.  Since then Evans lost the title to Lyoto Machida.  However, Evans still has a lot to prove and the next decade may even be better for him than this one.  Evans has shown dramatic improvement since we first saw him.  He started his career primarily as a wrestler, but now he is one of the most feared strikers in the business.  A stint as coach on the most watched season of the Ultimate Fighter has gained him more recognition and popularity.  Evans’ crowning moment had to be his highlight reel one-punch knockout of Chuck Liddell at UFC 88.

26. Tim Sylvia - Sylvia has his share of haters.  Some call him overrated.  Some call him one-dimensonal.  All that may be true, but he was a long time UFC Heavyweight champion.  He holds two career wins over Andrei Arlovski.  Sylvia may have began the decade well, but he has closed it with a flop.  Being submitted by Nogueira was bad, but hey it is Nogueira. A knockout loss to Fedor was bad, but nothing to be ashamed of.  His career took a serious blow when he was knocked out by the much older former boxer Ray Mercer in 9 seconds.  Sadly, that may be what mant will remember of Sylvia.

27. Andrei Arlovski - The Pitbull appeared to be one of the best in the world at one time.  He was the UFC Heavyweight champion.  I think Arlovski may have always been slightly overrated.  He has struggled against top-ten fighters.  He lost to Pedro Rizzo, Ricco Rodriguez, Fedor Emelianenko, Brett Rogers, and twice to Tim Sylvia.  However, a few solid wins he has on his ressume help put him on the list.

28. Kazushi Sakuraba – Sakuraba’s cult-like following will not like seeing him this low on this list, however let me defend my ranking. Some of his best says were is the last decade.  His record this decade is 17-11.  His biggest wins of the decade have been over Quinton “Rampage” Jackson, Ikuhisa Minowa, Ken Shamrock, Kevin Randleman, Renzo Gracie and Royce Gracie.  While that list is impressive he has not beaten enough elite fighters to be higher on this list.  His losses this decade have been to the likes of Igor Vovchanchyn, Wanderlei Silva (x3), Cro Cop, Rogerio Nogueira, Ricardo Arona, Royce Gracie, and Melvin Manhoef.  A fantastic career for Sakuraba, but not any highter than he is ranked.  With that said it does not undermine his solid decade.

29. Antonio Rogerio Nogueira – Somewhat in his twin brother’s shadow, little Nog has himself put together a solid MMA career and a solid decade of fighting.  A decade 18-3 record is impressive.  His holds wins over Alistair Overeem (x2), Dan Henderson, Kazushi Sakuraba, Kazuhiro Nakamura (x2), Vladimir Matyushenko and Luis Cane.  A very good career for Nogueira with more to come as he makes a run at the UFC Light Heavyweight title in 2010.

30. Shinya Aoki – Aoki could really climb this list quickly.  He would be higher, however he did not make his MMA debut until 2003 and really did not burst onto the scene until recently.  Aoki has cemented a spot as the world’s number 2 lightweight.  The DREAM lightweight champion has bested well-known fighters like Joachim Hansen, Eddie Alvares, Vitor Ribeiro, JZ Cavalcante, and Caol Uno.  Aoki is still young and may be a guy to watch as a top ten fighter of the next decade.

So i was bored on Sunday and made a list of the people i think Strikeforce should try to sign soon

Tim Sylvia-yes i know he lost to ray mercer he has recently gotten back into the win colomun at Adrenaline MMA 4: Sylvia v Ryliey . Discounting is Loss to Mercer its not like he lost to anyone TRULY bad . Im not saying he’s P4P the greates ever or even a top 10 or 15 HW. He dose have some good name recognition which is something Strikeforce could use atm. With his fight against Hong Man Choi at there NYE show maybe Strikeforce could get him.

Bobby Lashley : There reports of talks . I myself am not a fan of Lashley (MMA Fighter or Pro Wrestler) in his fights i feel he has shown to have good wrestling but nothing but a simple striker . He also brings name recgontion and could maybe carry over some TNA fans . Who dosent want there product viewed more?

Hendo : Mayed the list on Sunday so yeah

Eddie Alverz : He impressed me with his showings in Bellator and the DREAM LW GP . He would add some nice depth to LW div in Strikeforce

Josh Barnett: Yes he is Suspended or something that matter confuses me at the moment but if the guy could piss clean again then why not.

its the Magic Pants

Shinnya Aoki : He is apparently signed with them but until i see him in the ring minus the magic pants he would also add more depth and meat to there LW Div.

Joachim Hansen : This guy stands and bangs with people thats exactly what some people like (myself included) he would also add more meat to the LW div. Did i mention that his nick name is Hellboy?

The picks here mainly focused on the Div with the least amount of meat in them. Im not a big Heavies fan I like Lesnar and all but the lighter weight classes are much more exciting to me. Hence why i think WEC is the best MMA Orginazation out there .

Came across these pictures in MMA forums and I thought I’d compile them all for your enjoyment!

Bas Rutten

Vitor Belfort

Brock Lesnar

Brock Lesnar

Chuck Liddell

Mirko Cro Cop Filipovic

Mirko Cro Cop Filipovic

Dana White

Mac Danzig

Mac Danzig

Nick and Nate Diaz

Nick Diaz

Don Frye

Fedor Emelianenko

Fedor Emelianenko & Aleksander Emelianenko

Fedor Emelianenko & Aleksander Emelianenko

Forrest Griffen

George St Pierre

George St Pierre

Dan Henderson

Dan Henderson

Hong Man Choi

Josh Koscheck

Kimbo Slice

Lyoto Machida

Matt Hughes

Matt Hughes

Mike Tyson

Ikuhisa Minowa

Nate Marquardt

Antônio Rogério Nogueira & Antônio Rodrigo “Minotauro” Nogueira

Alistair Overeem

Quinton “Rampage” Jackson

Kazushi Sakuraba

David “Tank” Abbott

Tim Sylvia

Tito Ortiz

Urijah Faber

Wanderlei Silva

Wanderlei Silva

BJ Penn

1. Jeff Monson

Monson just lost at Bitetti Combat to Pedro Rizzo, but he had been super active and on a big winning streak. Monson, a former UFC fighter is a longtime journeyman who could decide to settle down somewhere. 8 months ago there was a lot fo talk about the UFC wanting to sign Mosnon and match him with Cheick Kongo, but that fell through and his current legal troubles may make him a liability for a big time organization. He could land with Strikeforce and work his way to a Fedor fight, but I would say Monson is Japan bound for a while.

2. Aleksander Emelianenko

Emelianenko stands in the shadows of his brother, but he is a solid fighter as well. He backed out of a upcoming fight citing a lack of communication with the promoter and is now a free agent. There are two problems with Aleks. One is that he is managed by the same Russians that manage his brother which make the UFC very unlikely. Second, no one knows the full extent of his medical problems. Speculation arose following being pulled from the first Affliction card. Aleks said it was due to not getting some medical papers there in time other speculated it was Hepatitis. Whatever the case may be those things could hinder him from making it to the big stage.

3. Pedro Rizzo

Rizzo rebounded from a tough loss to Gilbert Yvel with a decision win over Jeff Monson this past weekend. The former UFC fighter is a solid fighter who may have his best days behind him. Rizzo however proved against Monson that he can still be a top 25 fighter. Rizzo is most likely going to land with Strikeforce, but I would not be shocked to see UFC seek him to keep him away from Strikeforce.

4. Ricco Rodriguez

Ricco, a former UFC champ has been down for a while, but a recent win and a few upcoming fights could catapolt him back into the fray. I would not be shocked to see Ricco in a big organization by year’s end.

5. Seth Petruzelli

The former UFC fighter and TUF veteran is best known for KO’ing Kimbo Slice and essentially KO’ing EliteXC. A recent win may have moved him back to the UFC. An interview with MMAWeekly indicates that Joe Silva is trying to get Petruzelli a fight. Petruzelli vs. Kimbo at the TUF Finale anyone?

6. Andrei Arlovski

He is torn between professional boxing and MMA. A string of bad losses put him in bad shape. Strikeforce does not want him. UFC does not want him. It looks like it will be smaller shows for now for the “Pitbull”. A few wins could change that however.

7. Tim Sylvia

Tim Sylvia got embarassed by former boxer Roy Mercer. Before that Sylvia got beat by Fedor badly. He has looked bad and out of shape. He has said he want to be back in the UFC, but Dana White said that he can get back only if he goes on the Ultimate Fighter. Sylvia has an upcoming fight at Adrenaline’s event, which he needs to win to get back into consideration for the big time. Again, I dount he will land with Strikeforce or the UFC.

8. Fabio Maldonado

He just earned a win at Bitetti Combat. It helps that he is Anderson Silva’s sparring parner. I have long thought that Maldonado would end up in the UFC, but he did not look particullarly good in his win Saturday. He may need another win. Also, it would be likely that he would fight at 205 in the UFC. Also, I would not be shocked to see Strikeforce use him for a Challengers event.

9. Gilbert Yvel

I have heard nothing regarding his status following the demise of Affliction. I would assume he has 1 or 2 fights left on his Affliction contract which the UFC certainly would honor. Yvel has said before he wanted to go to the UFC. The question is not whether he is good enough to get a chance in the octagon or not, but it is whether or not he can behave himself inside the cage. He may be a bit of a liability, but I think he ends up in the UFC.

10. Paul Buentello

He is for sure not going to Strikeforce as they parted ways. He is UFC bound, but no confirmation yet. I don’t look for the AKA trained heavyweight to wear a title, but he is certainly better than many of the UFC heavyweights and could make for some exciting match-ups.

Two other guys that could make a move…

- Alistair Overeem - his manager does nto like Strikeforce’s partnership with M-1 and called them crooks. It is rumored that the Strikeforce champ wants to part ways. He may opt to go the K-1 rout and he is in an upcoming K-1 tourney. The UFC has also expressed intrest in the Dutch Heavyweight.

- Sergei Kharitnov – He has been inactive for a while. He may be locked up with DREAM, but that could mean he fights some with Strikforce.

Randy Couture - Brandon Vera / Cortesía UFC.com - Copyright Zuffa, LLC: All Rights Reserved.

UFC confirmó el día de hoy, que Randy Couture, quien apenas confirmó que bajaría a la categoría peso semicompleto, enfrentará a Brandon Vera (14-3) en UFC 105, evento que tendrá como sede Machester, Inglaterra el próximo 14 de noviembre

Couture declaró:

Me encantaría ser campeón UFC por sexta vez, eso sería un récord difícil de superar, y eso es lo que quiero lograr en las 205 libras (peso semicompleto)

Vera tiene una notable victoria sobre Frank Mir, pero derrotas ante Keith Jardine y Tim Sylvia

UFC 105 tendrá como co-estelar el duelo Michael Bisping vs Denis Kang.

actually he was hired to wear a mask for a few seconds because he is a big freaky hunchback

source

“For two thousand years you’ve been eating His flesh and drinking His blood. Now it’s His turn.” ZOMBIE JESUS, FUCK YEAH.

Prince of Pieces is a graphic novel in the works (started out as a movie concept) and I cannot tell you how much I want my hands on that baby. The Lord Almighty looks mighty pissed! More details on Fangoria.

Now, this shit I have got to see:

That looks fucked up! And awesome! I haven’t seen any weird shit lately and this just reminded me why I like Takashi Miike and movies like The Machine Girl and Tokyo Gore Police.

In case you haven’t heard, there’s going to be a Suspiria remake. God knows why. David Gordon Green is directing, that dude who made Pineapple Express. Egh? Hey, isn’t the Plan 9 remake (I know, right?) supposed to come out today? I wrote about that over a year ago and never heard anything about it since then. Guess they missed their self-imposed deadline.

Also, what the fuck is this crap about a Tim Sylvia person playing Jason Voorhees in the next Friday the 13th? Platinum Dunes hasn’t even greenlit the sequel yet. Where do these idiots get their news? Bah.

That’s all, kids. Now get off the internet and I dunno, do whatever you do when you’re not on it. I’m sleepy.

Shane Carwin / www.shane-carwin.com

Ahora es Shane Carwin, el retador al título de peso completo, quién en lugar de hablar en su sitio web de su próxima pelea ante Brock Lesnar en UFC 106 (21 de noviembre), de quién habla es de Fedor Emelianenko

Desde que PRIDE cerró operaciones, Fedor no ha enfrentado realmente a peleadores de elite, y esencialmente le han puesto “nombres” con poca posibilidad de derrotarlo
Están trabajando en proteger su legado, en lugar de ponerle las peleas más duras…. Su corrida en PRIDE fue épica, hace algunos años lo hubiera considerado el mejor del mundo

La opinión de Carwin es discutible, basta tan sólo este dato:

• Tim Sylvia era el campeón de peso completo UFC hasta el 2 de febrero 2008 (con impresionante récord de 24-3)
• Y 5 meses después, el 19 julio 2008, Fedor vence a Tim Sylvia en 36 segundos

¿Como es que Tim Sylvia paso de ser el campeón máximo de UFC a un “mal oponente para Fedor” en tan sólo 5 meses?

Granny hugged her knees and rocked back and forth on a bench in the Greyhound bus station in Springfield, Virginia. She did this to keep warm. It was 11 p.m. on December 24. Granny had arthritis and osteoporosis and other things that ended with “itis” and “osis” that, believe me, you don’t want to know about. Having said that, I bet you’re wondering about them, huh? Wondering about those other ailments? They involve bodily fluids, too much of some and not enough of others. And getting “the vapors” and calling for her “smelling salts!” You know, old-lady stuff like that.

So Granny was withered and wizened, and watching with great interest the scene that was unfolding before her very eyes. See, a bunch of homeless men were gathered on the floor. One-eyed Willie was delicately constructing a miniature Christmas tree out of toothpicks and people’s chewed-up gum. Trevor the Hobo Tramp had helped peel the mostly hardened gum from the undersides of seats in the Greyhound station, which was now closed with its lights dimmed. Schizophrenic “Mumbles” hadn’t helped at all, just pacing and ranting about all of the “molecules” swarming about the air. Little Jimmy, who rode to town on a raft, up the mighty Mississippi with the help of a runaway slave, was busy with a box of thumbtacks, hanging “stockings” for the group. And by “stockings” I mean he was nailing up a bunch of used condoms he had found in the parking lot. All in all, a charming scene, you must admit.

Granny watched the men (plus Little Jimmy) go about these preparations. “Lousy bums!” she’d thought in a haughty manner. “Well, screw you guys,” (again, this was all in her head, not out loud) “I actually have loved ones who are coming to pick me up from this vile place any minute now. Okay so they’re already two hours late. I am spending Christmas Eve surrounded by huggy grandchildren who say, ‘Tell us again, Granny! Tell us again about how you used to churn your own butter in the olden times! Tell us once more about how you got by during the War, equipped only with your wits and pluck! We love that shit! Really we do! Not boring at all!’ and a luscious Christmas-dinner spread of a turkey and a chicken and a whole suckling pig with an apple in its mouth and a roasted wild boar that my daughter-in-law chased down and speared on a tropical island herself. See ya, suckers!”

Only… no one ever came to pick Granny up. I mean, ever. She died there.

You thought she was going to become friends with the bums, didn’t you? You thought she was going to cast aside her haughtiness and illusions of grandeur and resurrect that old wit and pluck that got her by during the War, didn’t you?

Well hey, guess what happens when you “ass”-ume? You make a butt out of you and me both.