Gracie: Once upon a time on a beautiful Christmas morning, Scrooge and Bob Crachet and Tiny Tim went for a walk in the woods while their breakfast was cooling.

While they were gone a dear little girl came and knocked on the door. And naturally nobody answered so she went inside to see who it was.

George: Gracie, that’s not the way I heard it.

Gracie: Who told it to you?

George: My mother.

Gracie: Oh, well this is by Dickens.

George: But this is another story….

Gracie: So this little girl saw that her breakfast was cooling so she decided to taste it. She tried the first bowl and it was too hot and she tried the second bowl and it was too cold and she tried the third bowl and it was just right and she ate it all up.

George: That was Goldilocks.

Gracie: No. It was porrige.

Well, anyway, this poor little girl had two rich step-sisters. And along came Prince Charming with a glass slipper. So she tried it on the first step-sister and it was too hot, and she tried it on the second step sister and it was too cold and he tried it on the poor little girl and it just fit. She married him and guess who got all the money.

George: Walt Disney.

Gracie: You’re confusing the children….

If you are into Scrooge and Christmas Carol, here is an opportunity to enjoy it with your family. It is playing in Ford’s Theater now till Jan 3rd of 2010. The Charles Dickens Novel is adapted by Michael Wilson, and directed by Michael Baron,

Here is the trailer

• When:Mon 11/23 – Sun 1/3/10 (12PM)
• Where: Ford’s Theatre
• Location: 511 10th Street, NW, Washington, DC 20004 Washington, DC Map
• Search for Tickets here
This production is appropriate for ages 5 and up.

Here is their schedule till Jan 3rd:
Wednesday, December 23, 2009 2:30pm
Wednesday, December 23, 2009 7:30pm
Saturday, December 26, 2009 2:30pm
Saturday, December 26, 2009 7:30pm
Sunday, December 27, 2009 2:30pm
Sunday, December 27, 2009 7:30pm
Tuesday, December 29, 2009 2:30pm
Tuesday, December 29, 2009 7:30pm
Wednesday, December 30, 2009 2:30pm
Wednesday, December 30, 2009 7:30pm
Thursday, December 31, 2009 2:30pm
Friday, January 1, 2010 2:30pm
Friday, January 1, 2010 7:30pm
Saturday, January 2, 2010 2:30pm
Saturday, January 2, 2010 7:30pm
Sunday, January 3, 2010 2:30pm

Speaking of Ford’s Theater, here are two great behind the scenes of the place:

Have a Cartoon Lee Majors Christmas… oop, no, wait:

Have a Tiny Tim Christmas, or not.  But hey! Lookee here:

We wish you all a Bootsy Christmas! And may Santa bring you all the funk you deserve.

[Found here, here and here.]

The New York Magazine of 10 June 1968 (page 49) tells how Milton Glaser found a person, now known as Tiny Tim,

‘who sang tunes of the ’20s and ’30s with abandon, accompanying himself on the ukelele, possessed of such an astounding variety of voices that he could sing both the male and female parts in a Nelson Eddy–Jeanette MacDonald duet with uncanny accuracy, as well as recreate the quavery tones of a Rudy Valee or the endearing style of the young Shirley Temple.’

Within a week of the above notice, Life magazine (14 June 1968, page 10) speaks of Expo 67, where

’surrounded by the boos of 8,000 dubious Canadians, [Tiny Tim] insisted on going through with all three of his numbers even though he had to use his ukulele to bat off the pop bottles being thrown at him.’

TT had both style and guts.

"And that's when the ghost let out its terrible belch!"

A notebook recently discovered in the attic of a London thimble inspector turned out to have belonged to the great writer Charles Dickens. In it, Dickens recorded the following ideas for endings he apparently considered as alternatives to the one upon which he finally settled for his much-beloved, “A Christmas Carol.”

— Scrooge, his joyous mind steeped in its new found glee, his aged limbs and extremities veritably vibrating with unfettered delight, throws open the shutters of his third-story bedroom window, and leans out to cry “Tally-ho! Merry Christmas, lad!” to a young boy passing down below. He leans too far, and damages the boy terribly with his fall.

— Scrooge beseeches The Spirit of Christmas Future, with “Oh, tell me that I may sponge away the writing on this tombstone!” The looming, ghostly apparition, as silent till now as death itself, its features hidden in the darkness of its terrible black hood, decides to finally break its immortal silence. But at that moment the mighty specter is seized with a bout of indigestion, and instead of words emits a belch of unearthly prodigiousness. The smell of it engulfs Scrooge. “My God! My God!” cries the old man, who, in a desperate attempt to be where the foul wind is not, voluntarily leaps into his own grave. “Sorry!” calls the ghost. “Must have been something I haven’t eaten yet!”

— For Christmas supper, Tiny Tim, his little, broken body in no way accustomed to the extravagant abundance afforded him and all the Cratchit family by the anonymous munificence of the freshly enlightened Scrooge, in a frenzy of ravenous desire scrambles onto the table, jamming his entire face into the side of the 30-pound turkey now sitting upon it. “Holy cow, Tim!” cries Bob. “Tim!” cries his benevolent mother, “Your manners!” Heedless of their parents’ implorations, the other children, not wanting to miss their share, hastily follow Tim’s lead. The table collapses beneath their weight. Bob never walks again. But Tim does, so it all works out.

— Scrooge is visited by a fourth (and final) ghost: The Ghost of Future Investments. Adorned in spats, top-hat, and a full-length coat of the finest fur, the otherworldly visitor has but two words for the quivering Scrooge: “Fish,” and “chips.” “Look to it!” implores the dapper vision. “The gusto with which these will be consumed will be marvelous to behold! Invest also in vinegar! And watch as thy beloved coffers swell!” The gruel-loving Scrooge fails in his efforts to imagine anyone reveling in slabs of fish covered in breaded flour and submerged in boiling oil. “Tell you what,” he responds to the ghost. “Allow me to think upon it.” He doesn’t, though; instead he worries deeply about the future of England’s economy.

— Christmas morn; Scrooge awakens. He is a changed man! But as the morning progresses he recalls with increasing consternation how the night before, while standing beside The Ghost of Christmas Present, he overheard Bob Cratchit’s wife speak all manner of illness toward him. “Ungrateful matron!” he fumes. “Bah! Damn the lot of them!” On the morning of the next day Scrooge pretends to be nice to Bob Cratchit, but then summarily fires him—and, before Bob can return home to tell his wife the calamitous news, forecloses on the Cratchit home. The Ghost of Christmas Heart Attacks prepares to pay the recalcitrant Scrooge a visit.

—- “I’m terribly sorry, uncle—but too little, too late,” says Fred, slamming his door closed.

**********************************************************************************************************

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Holidaze LNF*

• Electric lights for trees were first used in 1895.

• Americans buy 37.1 million real Christmas trees each year.

• Christmas trees are edible.

• Holly berries are poisonous.

• The modern Christmas custom of displaying a wreath on the front door of one’s house, is borrowed from ancient Rome’s New Year’s celebrations. Romans wished each other “good health” by exchanging branches of evergreens. They called these gifts strenae after Strenia, the goddess of health. It became the custom to bend these branches into a ring and display them on doorways.

• Scott Schwartz, the actor who played Flick in A Christmas Story—you know, the kid that gets his tongue stuck to the flagpole—he’s a porn star now.

• An  estimated 400,000 people become sick each year from eating tainted Christmas leftovers.

• Before settling on the name of Tiny Tim for his character in “A Christmas Carol,” three other names were considered by Charles Dickens. They were Little Larry, Puny Pete, and Small Sam.

*Why LNF? Why Plain White Shirt? Read Rorschach’s Ribs and all will be understood.

This column was originally published in the Central Western Daily on Tuesday 15th December 2009.

It must be Christmas. In the record shops, a plethora of greatest hits albums now adorn the shelves. Within this week’s top 50 albums, eight are greatest hits compilations. And there are plenty more now available, just in time for Christmas, many of them from artists who are no longer commercially or creatively active, such as Enya, Seal and Fleetwood Mac.

However, it is not just the ever expanding array of Greatest Hits albums that indicate the imminent arrival of Santa. There is a much more insidious threat to your wallet in the record stores each December. Beware of the Christmas album.

Usually recorded to fulfil a contractual obligation, or cash in on fleeting fame, by definition, the Christmas album is only useful for one month a year or so.

With money too tight to mention, here are some Christmas atrocities to avoid.

In 1989, Neighbours was the biggest show on television, both here and in the UK. With Kylie Minogue riding high in the charts with The Loco-Motion the year before, the cast of Neighbours at the time warbling their way through a few carols was going to be a sure-fire hit, right? Wrong. Christmas With Your Neighbours features Anne Charleston (Madge), Ian Smith (Harold), Alan Dale (Jim) and others massacring all your Christmas favourites. It will make you wish for a Silent Night.

Tiny Tim is best known for his ukulele playing and high falsetto which he used to great effect in his 1968 hit Tiptoe Through the Tulips. In 1993, he recorded Tiny Tim’s Christmas Album in Sydney. Backed up by a terrible heavy rock band, Tim rushes through an hour of Christmas standards in 30 minutes with his trademark looney tunes approach. Now a collector’s item, this cd is particularly hard to find on the second hand market, probably because no-one bought it at the time.

Cashing in by following your first (and perhaps only) hit album with a collection of Christmas songs must be one of the golden rules for boy bands  as this is exactly what ‘N Sync, New Kids on the Block and Hanson did. Merry, Merry Christmas by New Kids features the rather tedious original song This One’s for the Children which was obviously referring to their fans. Hanson’s Snowed In bubbles with youthful effervescence. Unfortunately, with this high energy comes very high pitched vocals which mean the album could easily be mistaken for a Christmas record by Alvin and the Chipmunks. And for the record, there have been 8 Chipmunks Christmas albums.

Happy Holidays by Billy Idol was released in 2006. With a stripped back sound, Idol croons his way through such fare as Frosty the Snowman, Silver Bells and, of course, Jingle Bell Rock. Sporting a cheesy grin and a suit and tie on the cover, Billy sets out to confuse his fans, who I’m sure would prefer he wear leather, growl the songs and then punch Santa in the nose.

Other notable Christmas albums to avoid include such dubious fare as A Romantic Christmas by John Tesh (of Entertainment Tonight fame), Christmas by Jim Nabors (of Gomer Pyle fame), These Are Special Times by Celine Dion, This Is The Time by Michael Bolton (of big mullet fame) and Mr Hankey’s Christmas Classics which features carols sung by an animated poo from TV’s South Park.

If you must buy a Christmas CD, may I suggest you purchase the annual Myer Spirit of Christmas album which raises funds for The Salvation Army or Phil Spector’s A Christmas Gift For You which features his famous Wall of Sound and is considered the greatest Yuletide album ever.

Gateway Church has put together one heck of a show this year: A Christmas Carol, a musical adaptation does not fall short of any preconceived expectations of grandeur.  If you have the chance there are 6 more shows this weekend December 12th-13th 

Excerpt from Gateway Church’s website:

“We’re delighted to present Christmas Carol, a musical adaptation of Charles Dickens’ classic Christmas story. This fun-filled and inspiring production brings an innovative and riveting dimension to this timeless tale. Join us as we journey with Ebenezer Scrooge in discovering the true meaning of Christmas. This is an excellent opportunity to invite your friends and family to come hear and see the message of salvation presented through this highly creative production!”

Do NOT miss the opportunity to go see this performance, you will not be disappointed.  It’s fun and FREE for the whole family.  There are a few moments that may be a bit scary for the wee little ones during the Ghost of Christmas Futures presence on stage but the strong message this story brings more than makes up for any scary moments.

I pray you’ll have the chance to make it this weekend if not here are a few images captured from Friday evenings performance.

More images can be found in the gallery under Gateway – A Christmas Carol (Scroll to the very bottom of the list) http://studiocloud.org/JeckylProductions (It may take a moment to load the gallery after clicking the Gateway link please be patient.)

I’ve always loved  the Charles Dickens tale, no matter the version.

"God Bless Us, Every One!" (Window Display at Disney's Magic Kingdom) Nikon D300, 18mm, F/9, 1/80s, ISO 400

It’s a nice reminder of what this holiday season should be about!

Originally printed Sept. 20th, 2007. Ahhh… haters. I wrote this column after finding out some random sports blog absolutely loathed me, took everything I said seriously and basically threw a lot of bad vibes my way, man. I pretty much printed one of their anti-me rants verbatim in the second letter to the editor. Plenty of gold stuff there… wonder if those guys are still around? I haven’t had a hatah in sutch a long time…

Good morning, hockey fans! Last week we discussed the immediate future of the Western Conference, after touching on the garbage pile of an Eastern Conference the week before. This week, I sat down with Don Cherry and had a very frank and surprising discussion on the existence, purpose and sacrificial requirements of the Hockey Gods — which I was going to post here, but after the past two columns, I was deluged with emails, snail mails, and dead rodents nailed to my doorstep with feces-soaked notes tied tightly around their necks. Apparently, I touched a few East Coast nerves with my portrayals of East Coast teams and their knuckle-dragging mouth-breather fans. So I dipped into the mailbox and came out with these gems, and hope to start a productive one-way dialogue with these tender souls.

Hey, Todd, great column. In fact, it was more than great: your column is the bee’s knees, baby!! As a typical lifelong Flyers fan, I always approach criticism of my team from a position of love and understanding, and thoroughly enjoyed your satirical take on my lifeblood and my on-ice love. I just wish I could write with such informative clarity and hockey wisdom as you. I know you mostly talk about the Stars, but could you occasionally throw in a friendly jab at my Flyers? I’d really appreciate it. Thanks! — Joey “Shoulders” Baflancowicz, Philadelphia

Flyers fans are known the world over for their kindness and generosity of spirit

Thanks, Joey, I’ll do what I can to appease my Flyers fanbase. With all the losing they’re going to be doing this year, it should make my job 1,000 times easier!

Hey idiot. IDIOT. You need to stay away from hockey. Stick to the cow in your yard. You are an idiot. No one reads your colum. You mispelled East. It’s Eastern not Leastern. YOU MAKE NO SENSE R-TARD. Idiot. shut up. You need to shut up. Also, I like to pour steaming buckets of moose feces on my lap because of the uncontrollable orgasms I get when big trucks honk at me while I’m standing naked on the corner. Why do I smell so bad? R-tard. — Popeye the Sailer, Philly

Thanks for reading my column, Popeye! I’m glad we could get both voices of the Flyer fanbase out there in the open. You might want to pull up those pants in public, son! Thanks again for all the kind words, and thankfully we’re done with the Flyers fans. Now–

How could you possibly pick the Flyers to lose?!!? HELLO!! We not only signed Daniel Briere, we signed Kimmo Timmonen too! OBVIOUSLY WE WILL WIN THE CUP. All we needed was a scoring center and a puck-moving defenseman and we would’ve put up 120 points last year. And once we cut Briere and Timmonen to make salary cap space to sign Forsberg with 15 games left, the Flyers will rule!! GET A BRAIN, MORAN! –Bobby Manbuff, Philadelphia

Hi Bobby, of course I’ve fully aware that the Flyers will dominate the NHL this year. I mean, what self-respecting hockey fan could not look at their impressive 1-9 finish last year, their dead last finish in the overall NHL standings, and the fact that they paid a lot of money for a small number of free agents? As far as sports is concerned, $$$=championships. Who cares that Daniel Briere’s 95 points last year was 30 more than any other season in his career? With all that money in the bank and slower linemates, he’s a stone-cold lock to score 195 points this season! And who’s to say that adding the 32-year old Kimmo won’t be a similar move to Anaheim adding a similarly-old Scott Niedermayer to their d-line? Or that the addition of Kimmo, Scott Hartnell and Scottie Upshall won’t make this team Nashville East? How many Cups did Nashville win with those guys –5, 6? Expect the Flyers to dominate just as dominantly, if not more so.

Hi Todd, love the column, but as a lifelong Devils fan I just don’t see how they’re going to win again this year in the Atlantic. I mean, we lost a bunch of guys to free agency, and the other teams in our conference –especially the Rangers and Penguins– picked up a whole mess of savvy veterans. How can we hope to compete, much less squeak by into first place in the division? –Willy in Hoboken

Great questions, Willy. First off, a little Cardinal Rule of Hockey (courtesy Pat Burns): when you’re winning, hockey is 95% goaltending. When you’re losing, it’s 100%. The Devils have arguably the best, unquestionably one of the top three goalies not just in the NHL, but of all time in Martin Brodeur. And unlike some goaltenders at his age, he actually seems to be getting better with age, posting one of his best seasons yet last year while the team was going through that period of transition. With a group of forwards dedicated to defense and team-over-showiness, this is always a team to be reckoned with when the final standings come in.

Pictured: the guy who does the Anaheim Ducks' theme music

Great column, but why are you always picking on the Red Wings? What did they ever do to you? –Chris C., D-Town

Could it be because they are the NHL’s Goldenboys, they never get called for flagrant penalties, they always get the benefit of phantom calls, they play in the weakest league in hockey, their “snipers” are notorious cheapshot artists, their goalie likes to eviscerate opposing forwards’ groins with his shaft, they bought the Cup in 2002 with cold hard ca$$h, they whine to the refs despite getting every call their way, and have employed some of the scuzziest characters (McCarty, LaPointe, Federov) in recent hockey memory? Also, they dress like commies.

Are you ever going to do another column on team theme songs? If so, can I suggest one for the Blackhawks? Tiny Tim’s “Tiptoe Through the Tulips” –Frank in Sheboygan

As a matter of fact, I was going to get to that before the season started. Thanks for the reminder, Frank!

Well, that’s it for this week’s Mailbag! Tune in next week when I detail my daring escape –using the corrosive properties of 483 of your standard D batteries– from the trunk of a Flyers’ fan’s car!

Kathy, Bob, Peyton, Hannah

–>Happy Birthday to Sis-in-Law Kathy tomorrow (Dec 1) 
                 And  to Brother Bob yesterday (Nov 29)<–
          ~~~~~~~~~~~~
“Aquarius, Libra…Ralph, Charles, Paul…”  Hearing the long version of the The Floaters’ “Float On”. This has to be early to mid 80’s? So sweet to hear again. “Take my hand, come with me baby, to love land…”
          ~~~~~~~~~~~~
Yucking it Up on Late Night TV
~South Carolina is having a 48-hour tax holiday on gun purchases. No taxes on guns. Because one thing you want right after people have been drinking and arguing with their families is gun purchases made easier.
~The U.S. deficit set a record this year: $1.4 trillion. We’re teenagers when it comes to money. We want China to drop us off at the mall with a credit card and come back at 8 o’clock.  (Jimmy Fallon)

~The Georgia Supreme Court has ruled that a riding-lawnmower is not considered a motor vehicle. The ruling was reported in the Journal of Questions That Are Only Raised in Georgia.  (Conan O’Brian)
~By a vote of 5-2, the Georgia Supreme Court has ruled that teachers may legally have sex with students 16 or older if the sex is consensual. Here’s what makes matters worse: Since it’s Georgia, a lot of these 16-year-olds are still in the third grade.   (Jay Leno)
~Once Oprah leaves her show, the most powerful woman on TV will be Ryan Seacrest.   (Craig Ferguson)
          ~~~~~~~~~~~~
Facts for Your Fab Four Fix for This Date
~1963, The Beatles second album ‘With The Beatles’ became the first million selling album by a group in the UK.
~2002, High Court probate records showed that George Harrison left his fortune of £99m in a trust to his wife Oliva and his son Dhani, depriving the taxman of £40m. His English mansion near Henley-on-Thames was said to be worth £15m.
          ~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sad Notes for This Date
~1999 Jazz guitarist Charlie Byrd dies of cancer. He is 74. Byrd was instrumental in introducing Latin sounds, particularly the samba and bossa nova, to American audiences in the ’60s
~1996 Herbert Khaury, otherwise known as Tiny Tim of “Tiptoe Through the Tulips” fame, dies of cardiac arrest at the age of 64.
~1994 Rapper and actor Tupac Shakur is shot five times during a robbery outside a New York recording studio. Two days later a jury finds him guilty of sexually abusing a woman, but acquits him of more serious sex and weapons charges.
~1991, Milli Vanilli singer Rob Pilatus attempted suicide while staying at The Mondrain Hotel, Los Angeles by taking an overdose of sleeping pills and slashing his wrists.
~30 BC Cleopatra, Egyptian queen, commits suicide         
          ~~~~~~~~~~~~
Birthdays of Note (of lesser importance to Bob & Kathy’s, of course)
~Kelly is 38
~Eric G is 31
~1955 Billy Idol (William Broad) is born in Stanmore, England.
~1924, Born on this day, Allan Sherman, singer, (1963 US No.2 ‘Hello Muddah, Hello Faddah’). He died on 21st November 1973 aged 49. 
~1929, Born on this day, Johnny Horton, Los Angeles. His biggest hit is “The Battle of New Orleans,” which tops Billboard’s Hot 100 for six weeks in 1959 and sells more than 1 million copies.  Horton was killed in a car crash on 5th November 1960. 
~1929, Born on this day, Dick Clark, host of US TV’s longest running music show American Bandstand. 
          ~~~~~~~~~~~~
Other Music Notes of Interest for This Date
~1986 No. 1 Billboard Pop Hit: “The Next Time I Fall,” Peter Cetera with Amy Grant. The single is the second No. 1 hit in a row for Cetera, a former member of Chicago.
~1971 No. 1 Billboard Pop Hit: “Family Affair,” Sly & the Family Stone. The song is the group’s last top 10 hit.
          ~~~~~~~~~~~~
Funky Firsts
~1886 1st commercially successful AC electric power plant opens, Buffalo
~1954 1st meteorite ( 8 lb ) known to strike a woman (Liz Hodges-Sylacauga AL)
          ~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Sensible Thought from An Astounding Circumstance
~”When you meet the friendliest people you have ever known, who introduce you to the most loving group of people you’ve ever encountered, and you find the leader to be the most inspired, caring, compassionate and understanding person you’ve ever met, and then you learn the cause of the group is something you never dared hope could be accomplished, and all of this sounds too good to be true-it probably is too good to be true! Don’t give up your education, your hopes and ambitions to follow a rainbow.”– by Jeannie Mills who was an early defector from the Peoples Temple.
          ~~~~~~~~~~~~
Late Show Top Ten
~Top Ten Surprises At Tonight’s White House State Dinner
10. Served nothing but microwave pizza and tater tots
   9. Al Gore burst in to warn that the ice sculpture was melting
   8. Security screamed, “That’s not an illegal immigrant you’re yelling at, that’s the Indian prime minister, Mr. Dobbs”
   7. Evening’s entertainment — Dane Cook
   6. The shocking open-mouth kiss between Sen. Chris Dodd and Adam Lambert
   5. Because of the economy, this was also the White House Christmas party
   4. President kept yelling, “Hillary, more ice water for table 10!”
   3. Corn muffins were served by a monkey
   2. Obama disappeared right as the check arrived
   1. Levi Johnston jumped out of the damn cake
          ~~~~~~~~~~~~
And Finally…They Walk Among Us…Ahhhh
~Was learning cursive really necessary?
~Map Quest really needs to start their directions on #5. I’m pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
~Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
~I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t at least kind of tired.
~Bad decisions make good stories.
          ~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thanks for coming by today.
And for reading all the way through…here’s your reward…
“Candle in the Wind”–Elton John
That’s just how special you are to me.

The feast is over, the last of the tryptophan is leaving your system and all you are left with is a ton of emails and the haunting sensation that your family just isn’t right.  Let P3 help with the last.  Just compare your brother-in-law with this  wingnut and your clan is a shining sample of normality.  Sorry about the emails.  P3joe

“Tiptoe Thru the Tulips” – Tiny Tim

“Earth Angel”- Tiny Tim

“Living in the Sunlight” – Tiny Tim

“Santa Claus has got the AIDS” – Tiny Tim

Would network television be willing to broadcast this man performing this song alongside these standard-looking children these days?

Or would he simply be arrested?