Recently I met with a friend I’ve had on Facebook for a while and managed to catch up with him while visiting his city… He’s a great guy, I think we have a lot in common. We spent a few hours over lunch sharing experiences. To be honest, I did feel a little bit sick in the pit of my stomach when he shared his story because it was a bit close to home for me.

This former pastor is a really intelligent, educated, inspiring, cutting-edge young man with a young family, and loads of leadership and gifting. He was installed by the guys from  Soul Survivor when they were in his country.

Recently he messaged me his story… here it is.

My journey with depression
The last few months, depression has got a lot of publicity. Here in Australia, depression among men is something you hear about. There is an organization called beyond blue that helps men with depression. Recently a politician came out and told his story with depression. Then I met with a former pastor who suffers from depression. These things caused me to think about about my experience with depression, so I thought I would write about it…

I have never been prone to being depressed…..in fact, I was always the sort of person who was pretty happy go lucky and if anything, I would get angry, not depressed. Throughout my years at work in the IT industry, there were stressful times but I would never use the word depressed to describe how I felt.

In 2005 I went into full time ministry and took on the role of pastor in the church where I grew up in. I went into minstry with hope and a sense of adventure. It was as if this is what I have been preparing for my whole life. The church was going through a bad patch and we were in a sort of crisi mode. Still, I had faith and a lot of energy. I had a vision to bring change and to see a church that was full of grace and love.

Maybe I was foolish. But I felt that God had called me to this. About a year into the role, it became apparent that a lot of people, especially the leaders, were not comfortable with the changes that were happening. I also had a shift in my perspective and theology. A lot of things that we were doing did not make sense to me and I was challenging a lot of the mindsets of people. The leaders who had asked me to come and lead had initially said that they wanted change too, but it became apparent that at the heart of things, they were not ready for it (some of my previous postings refer to these things).

A lot of my energy was wasted on silly debates like whether I should wear short sleeves to church, I was too informal over the “pulpit”…etc As a side note, is the fucking “pulpit” even biblical? This just resulted in me having bouts of feeling “down”. It started with me feeling down most sunday evenings. Initially I played this down to mere tiredness. And maybe there as some of that. Usually by mid day Monday, I would start feeling better.

BUt as time wore on, the feeling would stay longer. Even extend till Tuesday evening. Then it got worse. I begun to have thoughts of death…of killing myself. That was the only way out of where I was. The depression also started to happen on Friday’s as opposed to sundays. It was then a whole week thing.

At this stage, a good friend recommended me to see a counselor. This guy specialised in treating pastors and full time ministers who are burnt out. I had a hard time accpeting I was burnt out cause I had only been in full time role for a year. But the counselor heped me see that my burn out had begun earlier when I was serving in a voluntary capacity. In a follow up session with my wife, he basically said that we had gone through a traumatic exprience and his recommendation was that we not be in ministry at all.

It was a shock and a relief at the same time. But when I went to the elders with this news, they just did not believe it and asked for a written analysis. I saw that the church could not cope with this and out of a sense of duty, I persevered and went on serving in the church. The insight and help of my counselor helped me cope with depression for while. I also had a few friends around who helped me.

But after a few months, the depression was back again, this time worse. Instead of just being down, I would react with anger…..I was angry at the staff, at the people in church and at my family. Another friend highly recommended that I take time off work. I said ok and that I would look at taking a break in a few months as we had things coming up in church…but 3 different people all said that I would not last that long…so I took a month off work when the church was about to have a camp. I just could not bring myself to be at a camp where people had expectations on me. Again the leaders did not understand and did not take it well. But this time, I just did it anyway.

God did a work in my life in that month off. I learned to be a child again. Learned to accept God’s love and favor as a gift. Learned to enjoy life again. I came back with a renewed hope and vision. I started to teach on the things I had learned….on who God is, on authenticity and vulnerability. A lot of people responded well….but there were also others who did not. Bottom line, the core leaders wanted a different sort of church. Our perspectives and theology were so different. They did not see it. They kept insisting that we wanted the same things…….but we did not. A few months later, I had anther major disagreement with the leaders over how we treated our staff. I did not react angrily as I had in the past. I appealed to them calmly. But after that I realised that I just did not have the energy to go on. After all I had been through and what God had done in me, I still could not hack it. I resigned from ministry. I was heartbroken to do it, but I felt I had to.

Today, more than a year after I resigned, I do not really struggle with depression anymore. Perhaps a lot of it was down to the work related in the church. Maybe God had also healed me to a certain extent. But I have been scarred by my time in ministry. I now work in the IT line again. Have moved countries to get away from the church……..but my sense of confidence and faith has taken a great battering. My self esteem is very low. And I still have a lot of unresolved anger…….especially at the church system….and the people who propagate the system. I find myself at times having such a sense of hopelessness. Someone commented that I still have the energy to work full time…..yes, and for that I am grateful. But a lot of it is driven by the need to care for my family. In so many ways I was not ready to be back in full time employment. But I took it as a means of escaping the church situation back home. Will I ever recover? Will I ever have a sense of faith and hope and joy again? Will I ever return to church????? I dont know for sure…..but for now, it does not feel as if it will happen. I am just another pastor who has been beaten by the church system

I started this post on Monday, but didn’t get time to finish it. It’s now Sunday! I don’t know where my weeks are going. I keep snatching five, ten minutes or so to write, but it takes me half that time to work out where I was before. I keep wishing I could write more, but other things get in the way. I guess more accurately I could say another person gets in the way. My bloke is still not too keen on me spending time on here and that means I usually have to fit it in when he’s not around.

At Creative Remedies on Monday we were asked to write. To write and to keep writing whatever came into our heads for three minutes. I wrote something private, something which I had thought about writing on here for a while. My thoughts were about how I come across at Creative Remedies. I behave like I used to at work and at uni. Friendly, helpful, bright, but hiding how I actually feel. There is a front there that hides the illness. An act. I feel like I have two halves. One outgoing and intelligent, the other ill and flawed. One bright, one dark.

I soon wished I hadn’t have written this. The next step of the exercise was to place our work in a pile on the table. Each one would be passed onto someone else who would then highlight the bits they most liked. The idea was to give us suggestions of how we could turn our stream of conciousness into something a little more creative. I didn’t want to share these inner thoughts. I didn’t want to let anyone in and break down the front. It was made even worse because my notebook is distinctive so whoever got it would know it was mine.

I felt almost sick as I handed over my book. I was given someone else’s piece. Theirs was fairly personal too, but completely anonymous and it gave me no real idea of the context. It didn’t let me in like mine would let someone else in. I was jealous of the guarded nature of their writing.

I could see who had mine. They were writing fervently on my piece. I worried about what they thought. They hesitated to pass it back still writing away. She glanced over at me and mouthed the words “is this yours?”. I had to reluctantly nod as she brought it over to me. Everyone else was scrabbling away at the pile trying to find their own.

I looked at her words. They were kind and expressive, but I still felt a little violated. She had liked my writing, yet I still felt uneasy. She was worried for me. She could feel the sadness and emotion in my words and wanted to comfort me. She later asked me if I was okay. It felt strange and I wasn’t comfortable with her concern. I don’t know that I deserve it.

I know she will never see me in the same light. She is the one person that knows the façade isn’t real. She will look at me with suspicion wondering what is behind the act. Wondering how I really am. I feel like I’ve been found out.

It’s weird how I can write here, knowing anyone could read this, yet I am so uncomfortable. It’s weird how I’m actually considering dropping my anonymity on this blog, yet I didn’t want to drop the act with one person. How would I feel if the same person came along and read all of this? I don’t know.

I don’t know how I really feel about these two sides. I guess in some ways the act shows I am making progress. I can hold myself together in front of people now. I can portray a sense of capability and confidence.  I can actually do things and at times I even enjoy them. There have been times in the past year or so when there was no way I could hide anything and enjoyment was a foreign concept. I was a mess, unwell and visibly so. That’s not true any more.

Yet, I am not sure it’s a good thing. I wasn’t well a year ago when I was first admitted to The Priory and I behaved the same in therapy. I was the sensible, level headed, friendly one. I spent more time giving others advice than I did talking about myself. I was the helpful, confident person. People even wondered why I was there. I seemed fine. I wasn’t.

I don’t really like the act. I don’t like its return. I have worked so hard in therapy to break it down. To be more open and honest about how I feel. To be more true to myself. For the therapists at The Priory, I was making progress when I started to talk about myself. I was chastised when I went into helpful, clever mode. I wonder if I should chastise myself when I act like this now.

At times I wonder if the act was what broke me in the first place. The act was a problem before, back when I was at work. I kept going, working harder and harder to hide how I felt. At times fuelled by unidentified hypomania, at other times fuelled by denied depression. I didn’t want to admit I couldn’t cope. I didn’t want to fail. I wanted to be confident and capable and not at mercy of emotions or illness. I drove myself into the ground until I snapped and my world fell apart.

I am worried I will do that again. I have been doing new things and taking on new projects over the past few weeks. I have ideas, I want to do things, I want to be successful. It’s a familiar feeling. My life has been full of periods where I take on new things and projects, but more often than not I take on too much and cannot cope. With hindsight some of these periods can be clearly attributed to hypomania, but others I am less sure. I wonder if it is just my personality. I don’t want to immediately see everything as something to be pathologised, yet I also want to learn from the past. I need to recognise the patterns and change them. I don’t want to keep crashing head first.

I don’t know what my mood is doing at the moment. People ask me how I am and I don’t know how to answer. I’m depressed, yet am I? Yes, the signs of depression are there. I feel numb, empty, suicidal. Negative thoughts, anxiety, paranoia too. The physical signs are out as well. Headaches, insomnia, tiredness. It all points to depression, but it’s not the whole picture. I am excited about new projects, interested in things (albeit not everything), doing stuff. Where is the anhedonia? I don’t think it’s a mixed state either though. Not in a classic way. I am not really sleeping, but I am tired with it. My thoughts race, but no more than is really usual for me. I am a little on the snappy, agitated, quick-to-anger side, but not physically agitated or excessively so. I don’t feel like things are going too fast. yet. I wish my mind would make it’s mind up. I feel almost lost within my mood.

Going back to the topic of anonymity and this blog. I don’t really want to be anonymous any more. I am not ashamed of my illness and I think it’s so important people are open and honest about these things. We can’t break down stigma if we’re too afraid to talk openly about mental health.

I am not even worried about employers googling me. I have no intention to leave my company any time soon. Even if I was looking for a new job, if a company didn’t want to employ me after reading this then I wouldn’t want to work for them anyway. This may limit my career in future, but it’s something I’m willing to take the risk on.

There is a problem though and it’s my family. I am not sure I am willing for them to know how I really feel. I don’t want them to worry. I know my partner reads this already, but with my parents I am even more economical with the truth. I have never been open with them and I’m not sure I’m ready to start. I guess it is doubtful they will ever google me and find this anyway, but it is still a risk.

I realised though recently it’s not even that which is the main problem. It’s actually the stuff about my sexuality I’m most scared about. I thought I was comfortable with it. I thought I’d worked through everything a few years ago when I really went through a crisis of identity. I haven’t. I am fine with coming out knowing the people I am talking to are open minded, but I am not so sure about the rest of the world. More specific I’m not so sure about those closer to me. It doesn’t hurt if some stranger says something horrible, but if it’s someone I know it’s different. I know my mother can be quite homophobic and I suspect her opinions on bisexuality are even worse. I don’t want her to find out. I have always said that she doesn’t need to know and what she doesn’t know won’t hurt her. I suspect other members of my family would be even worse. I just don’t think I can face it.

I realised the other day that I’m not as comfortable as I’d like with my sexuality in general. The other night I was at the pub with a friend and somehow we ended up talking about gay couples. I mentioned a girl I know who used to be in a gay couple and she now goes out with a bloke. She made some comment about him “turning her” and I pointed out that she could be bisexual. She seemed a little taken aback by that and I didn’t know what to say really. It could have been the time to be honest myself, yet I was uneasy with her reaction. I wish I was comfortable enough to be completely “out”, but I guess I’m still not there.

I guess I could always go back and censor myself. I could make any mention of my sexuality private and I’d be safe, yet I don’t want to. I guess I could throw caution to the wind, face my fears and all of that, but I’m not sure I can do. I don’t know what to do.

When children get ill, their body does the same thing mine does; hikes the temperature up and burns the virus from their system. The kids have something happen that I don’t though – they hallucinate.

Nearly every night this week we have had kids sit up in bed, and scream the place down. Repeatedly. God knows what they were seeing. Of course at some point they figured out that shouting out in the dark caused us to come running. How do you explain to a five year old not to play that game when they are running a huge temperature?

The upshot of all of this has been lack of sleep. On a huge scale. I’ve been getting to mid-afternoon at work and hitting the coffee nearly every day. Today was perhaps the worst.

Thankfully – apart from the inevitable Halloween parties for the kids tomorrow evening – we have nothing planned this weekend. No doubt the weekend will somehow manage to populate itself with things to do, but at this point in time it’s looking good.

Now please excuse me while I go and collapse in a quiet corner somewhere.

Picture the scene: it’s three in the morning and I’m in pain and wide awake. Tim Piggot-Smith has failed me – for once even his dulcet tones reading David Starkey’s Monarchy: The Beginnings haven’t lulled me to sleep. Neither has a podcast of a lecture from the wonderful Dr. Stuart Lee on Anglo-Saxon History – my other failsafe. I’m at my wit’s end.

Suddenly there’s a crash, a bound, and a superhero comes flying through the bedroom window and lands on the bed with an enormous thump. Yes, it’s The Grey Shadow, feline super-hero extraordinaire, to the rescue. A lick, a purr and I’m already feeling better.

Soon the gentle sound of purring has done the trick and I’m fast asleep.

I wake up at around 5:30 and The Grey Shadow has mysteriously disappeared. My ankle’s in agony. Why? Ah yes – Enormous Cat is fast asleep on top of it. I wonder where The Grey Shadow went? He would have been far too considerate to sleep on my ankle.

Thanks to Wren at The Rheuma Blog for reminding me about this incident with her post on wee beasties! What would we do without them? I’d far rather put up with the discomfort of the occasional sore ankle than not have these nocturnal visits from my superhero at all!

Enormous Cat

• This morning I overheard a phone conversation in which someone was apparantly explaining the concept of changing trains. “I’ll be travelling for a while yet, I have to change trains now” *Pause while, presumably, the other person spoke”. “We’re just pulling into Mannheim now then I have to get out of the train, go to another platform then get on a different train”. He wasn’t even speaking to a child either (unless I missed the point where it became normal to address children as Mr. so-and-so). The mind really does boggle. Or at least mine does.
• Currently wondering whether working at a place where I actually know how to use the coffee machine (and don’t feel guilty every time I dare to so much as think about leaving my seat) is a blessing or a curse? I think I may have overdoed on caffeine today, all in a desperate attempt to stay awake. (Sooo tired…)
• Having spent the last two evenings  searching every clothes shop in Karlsruhe for something to wear over a dress at a wedding I’m invited to next month. I’ve come to the conclusion that the colour white is an endangered species this season. I even resorted to looking in United Colours of Benetton today – the first time I’ve been in there since I was about 12. Unsurprisingly I found nothing I liked.
• Despite not finding the top I wanted, I have spent a small fortune over the last few days. A serious dent has been made in my wages already and November isn’t even here yet. Not good people!
• The first assignment for my science course is due on 4th November. I haven’t written a single word of it yet. I guess I know what my plans are for this weekend…
• Snippets is a fabulous word. I feel like I should use it more often.
• That is all.

I did.  When I was 20, and no I did not get it from kissing.  I dont think I have mono right now, but I do bring it up for one reason.  When you have mono there is this completely consuming fatigue that is uncontrollable and no matter how much caffeine you have, you are still exhausted.  I have felt that way the past few days.  I blamed it on my allergy meds, because they really do make me very drowsy.  I skipped them today and I am just as tired as yesterday.  Cup #2 of coffee and I dont even feel the slightest twinge of alertness.

Yesterday I fell asleep at my desk.  I was staring at the screen, with a hand on my mouse and literally fell asleep. 

When I had mono, (before I knew I had it) I would come home from work and take a soothing bath because I was so stressed and tired.  I cannot tell  you how many times I fell asleep in the tub and would wake up cold and shaking and pruney.

Maybe its my allergies.  Maybe it’s because I never sleep well anymore.  I dont really know that answer.

But if given the chance, I would go and sleep on my couch for about two days straight.

Ahhh… that sounds lovely.

I have been SO tired during these last couple of weeks. This baby making process sure takes a lot out of me. And when I sleep, it a is hard, dead-to-the-world kind of sleep. This morning, I almost slept through my alarm. That is very unusual for me!

I have taken to sneaking off to my car during my lunch break for a cat nap. I tell my coworkers that I am reading. Hopefully that are not on to me!

Even with the mid-day  nap, by mid afternoon, I am struggling to keep my eyes open at  my desk. I have never fallen asleep at work, but I have come close in the last couple of weeks.

And the dreams. I am having all kinds of weird dreams. The night before the second HCG test, I dreamt that the test came back negative. It was a sad, painful dream that went on seemingly forever. I have also had dreams that my belly is huge and I can’t tie my shoes. And even some crazy, seemingly unrelated dreams. I don’t remember them all, but basically, I am dreaming most of the night.

I did go to that yoga class last night. It is the first time I have told anyone that I am pregnant. It was a weird feeling. My doctor wanted me to tell the instructor so that he could give  me some modifications.  I was somewhat uncomfortable being singled out during the class. I mean, I certainly don’t LOOK pregnant (maybe a little more flabby in the tummy pooch area, though), and I don’t really feel the pregnancy in my belly yet. Or at least I didn’t until about halfway through the class.

The instructor kept showing me how to support my belly. This seemed silly because there is no real belly yet, but the doctor tells me that my muscles are all soft now, so they might not support the bundle growing in my uterus. About halfway through the class, as we were practicing our breathing, though, I finally got a really deep breath into my stomach area. And then I felt a sort of resistance to the breath deep down in my lower belly. I am assuming this is some sort of wall of muscles, or else the actual uterus. I am not sure, but I’ve never felt it before, even when doing yoga. This morning, if I really concentrate, I can still feel it. Weird.

Also interesting, I had been dealing with a headache all afternoon, and it got significantly worse during the class. I was really light-headed and dizzy. I am thinking that it has to do with those expanding blood vessels, and all of the breathing. Basically, I think my blood vessels were just expanding too far and too fast.

Some of the things my body is doing are just amazing. I am in awe of its ability to adapt and change. I am just trying to keep up with the changes and to enjoy the ride!

I was doing some research online about getting rid of tiredness because I have been battling a feeling of constant fatigue.

I’ve increased my workouts in an effort to increase my energy throughout the day.

Expert say that exercise can increase your energy and vitality.  I’m not sure if it really works for me.  It seems like my energy levels stay the same whether I’m exercising or not, and increasing my cardio hasn’t seemed to make a difference either.

My sleep has been pretty good.  I guess it could be better.  I don’t really have a set sleep schedule right now, but I’m usually sleeping within the same 2 hour window at night.  I’m trying to get on a better schedule and wake up at the same time each morning to see if I can notice a change.

I’ll let you know my results.

I started running about a year ago because I wanted to see if I would feel more energetic.  I always read that exercise helped increase your energy and helps at ending tiredness.  A year ago I often felt fatigued, lethargic, and low on energy.

I slept well at night and I was eating okay… not great… but not that bad either.

So I started to exercise to see if it could help me feel more vibrant and get rid of fatigue.  One year after beginning my running program I’ve lost 30 pounds, incorporated swimming and biking into my routine and cannot really tell if I feel better.  LOL!

Emotionally I feel better about myself.  I definitely enjoy being 30 pounds lighter, wearing smaller waist sizes, and ridding myself of my gut.  However, I really am not sure if I feel like I have more energy or not.  I still get tired throughout the day and feel like I could nap.

So has exercise helped me gain energy and get rid of tiredness and fatigue?  Maybe.  It might be that I cannot remember how lousy I felt a year ago, so I cannot give it a fair comparison.  Even if I don’t feel more vibrant, I do like the way I look more than I did a year ago.

Evening all.

Apologies for not finishing my preview post/s. However considering the game is on Sunday I thought delaying it was a reasonable thing to do. Besides fatigue has got the better of me completely today. It is a strange feeling when one minute there is enough energy within me to challenge Usain Bolt to a race, but the next minute it feels as if challenging Michael Essien in a sleep marathon contest was more appropriate. Today I spent a good half an hour in a zombie state. Maybe I was hypnotised. I don’t know but it was a very surreal experience for me.

Anyway to make up for this inconsistency, I found this video and I hope you appreciate it. It isn’t a promising footage of some new dribbling wonderkid. So you have been warned in advance. Well, it might be but not in the way it is usually associated in the mind.

Here it is in all glory.  Keep watching to the end, it is a very short clip.

I’m just working on the posts and one will definitely be up at some point tomorrow. Sorry once again. Have a super Friday, hopefully after you’ve seen the video

Here’s a bit of “unnecessary censorship.”

This video taught me several important lessons:

1) My mental age is 12.
2) The videos I show Phoebe and Theo aren’t that far off from Sesame Street after all.
3) I should be extra careful sending emails with silly youtube links late at night.
4) The autofill function for the address field in my mail program is not always my friend.
5) Especially since my spouse and my advisor have names that start with the same 2 letters.
6) I am lucky that my advisor has a sense of humor.

Brought to you by the letter [bleep].