What a game! You can watch the highlights here. Granted, it was against the Redskins, who aren’t exactly the greatest team around, but for a team like the Giants who have been struggling so mightily, a tremendous performance can do amazing things for confidence, to say nothing of giving us fans a huge smash-mouth game to go nuts over. Worth mentioning is the fact that both teams are suffering pretty badly from injuries.

This win will not mean much if they don’t win the last two games also. Hopefully that will be enough to get us into the playoffs.

SO many positives to enjoy here. You’ll get em as I think of em.

New York Giants LB Jonathan Goff

1. Jonathan Goff looked really comfortable calling the plays at Middle Linebacker. As a second-year 5th round pick, he’s taking advantage of the injury to Antonio Pierce and filling the role quite nicely. He also celebrated his first sack last night. Keep an eye on him.

New York Giants OL William Beatty

2. William Beatty looked really solid last night at Right Tackle filling in for injured Kareem McKenzie. As a rookie 2nd round pick, the Giants may need to rely on him going forward to fill in on the Offensive Line for now. If Beatty continues to play well, I wouldn’t be surprised if you see him stick around on the Giants for a very long time.

New York Giants WR Derek Hagan Touchdown

3. You didn’t see gaudy numbers out of Eli Manning or any of his receivers, but Eli spread the ball around tremendously, throwing to ten different players. Could not have been fun for the Redskins knowing the ball could go anywhere. You even got to see some of the lesser-used receivers like Derek Hagan get in on the action, catching a 23-yard touchdown pass in the third quarter.

New York Giants QB Eli Manning

4. Speaking of Eli, you really got to see him out there looking completely in control, looking like the Manning he is. That’s General Manning to you. It seems like he’s always calm and collected no matter how much pressure is headed his way. To see what helped this tremendously see note 6. Oh, and by the way, he’s now thrown for a career high 26 touchdowns, so far.

New York Giants RB Ahmad Bradshaw

5. Ahmad Bradshaw, playing despite two ankle/foot injuries, risking further damage, played spectacularly, rushing 9 times for 61 yards and two touchdowns. This guy is crazy fast and finds holes so well. Again, see note 6 for more details.

New York Giants Offensive Line

6. The offensive line of the New York Giants played tremendously. The ability of these five guys to both block for Eli and open huge holes for the running backs was just so fun to watch. The Giants love pulling their linemen for run plays, and last night it worked to perfection. As mentioned, William Beatty performed really well in Kareem McKenzie’s absence, and Kevin Boothe filled in nicely for Rich Seubert when Seubert got hurt. When your o-line is playing like the Giants’ did last night, it makes the job of your QB and RB much easier.

New York Giants CB Terrell Thomas

New York Giants DT Barry Cofield

7. 5 sacks, 3 interceptions, 1 forced fumble. The Giants defense had played rather poorly over the past few weeks. They hadn’t been putting much pressure on the opposing team’s quarterback, and the injury-depleted defensive backs have been giving up big plays over and over. This week that changed. Redskins QB Jason Campbell seemed to get hit every time he dropped back to pass, and when your quarterback is your leading rusher, you didn’t have a great day. Defensive Coordinator Bill Sheridan may be fighting for his job, and this game sure helps.

New York Giants TE Kevin Boss

8. Let the league take note – TE Kevin Boss is a monster. He’s actually excelled both as receiver and blocker, much like maligned former Giants TE Jeremy Shockey. The way Boss seems to catch just about everything nearby, and then run fearlessly into whomever is unwise enough to get in the way, makes him really fun to watch. He won’t always have a huge statistical day (3 catches for 57 yards), but his presence will continue to be felt going forward.

New York Giants WR Hakeem Nicks

9. Some injury chat here for a minute. CB Aaron Ross, who has missed ten games of this season with hamstring issues, isn’t looking too hot. He’s getting another MRI done today. Can’t be good. WR Hakeem Nicks, who is emerging as a star at wide receiver, said that said his hamstring is fine and that there was no pull. G Rich Seubert said he’s OK after having to leave in the middle of the game. Hopefully they’ll all be ready for next week, including McKenzie.

New York Giants RB Brandon Jacobs

10. Last but not least. Brandon Jacobs acted really stupid by throwing punches at the end of a blowout victory. If I was Coach Coughlin, I would have told him to sit down for the rest of the game. Maybe even wear a dunce cap. Even more stupid was that he was aiming for DT Albert Haynesworth, who is a small mountain. I imagine a fine is coming Jacobs’ way. I would love to see the two of them square off and see who ends up on top.

“There exists an obvious fact that seems utterly moral: namely, that a man is always a prey to his truths. Once he has admitted them, he cannot free himself from them. One has to pay something.”

–Albert Camus

In my predictions at the beginning of the season, I refrained from picking a Super Bowl matchup. Part of this is because predicting the playoffs at the start of the season seems superfluous: So much depends on matchups that are unlikely to come to fruition, and it’s almost contradictory to predict an upset within the context of my own hypothetical playoffs.* The other part was superstition: I was afraid of the ramifications of picking the Giants.

*This is to say, why would I think a team that I predicted would only go 10-6 would beat a team that I predicted would finish 13-3?

I can’t say my Super Bowl forecast—Giants and Patriots—was unique. It was hard to find anyone who wasn’t picking the Giants to represent the NFC, and most experts had the AFC coming down to the Pats and Chargers.

With three weeks left in the regular season now, the Giants and Patriots have each reached a crisis point, although varying in degrees. Big Blue, at 7-6, no longer controls its destiny in the Wild Card hunt, requiring at least one Dallas loss to make the playoffs. New England still leads the AFC East by a game, and most—myself included—still expect the Patriots to win the division.

But two of the league’s presumptive favorites—and two of its best teams over the past decade—have each suffered from identity crises this season, which in turn were derived from unexpected offensive success.

Let’s take the Giants first. Last season, the Giants won 11 of their first 12 games by running the ball extensively behind the best offensive line in football with an excellent power back and an adequate change-of-pace guy (Brandon Jacobs and Derrick Ward, respectively). At the end of the season, however, and most memorably in the playoff loss to the Eagles, offensive coordinator Kevin Gilbride put more of the offense in Eli Manning’s hands. That trend has carried over to this year, where the Giants—with the same, albeit inexplicably less effective, offensive line—rank tenth in the league in rushing. Jacobs had 100 carries during the team’s 5-0 start; he has 102 in their 2-6 stretch since. The only real explanation for this is that Gilbride grew too confident in Manning and the team’s wide receivers during that five-game winning streak, forgetting all-too often to stick with the run. The result is that Jacobs, the very definition of a wear-the-defense-down running back, not only doesn’t get the ball enough to be effective, but more and more he’s running out of the shotgun—which means he doesn’t get a running start into the line of scrimmage—and to the outside.

Furthermore, when you have a defense as alarmingly vulnerable to the big play as the Giants’, running the ball becomes even more important to keep that defense off the field—and to punish the opponent for scoring fast and not resting its own D. Instead, New York has decided to try to outshoot teams like New Orleans and Philadelphia after falling behind early; the results have not been good.

New England, on the other hand, has become a completely offensive team with a completely pass-oriented offense. Remember the 2001 Patriots when it was about Antowain Smith on the ground, a great defense, and Troy Brown on special teams? Starting in 2007, New England became a passing team; this wasn’t a problem because it was the greatest passing offense in NFL history. But while the Patriots were building that offense, it neglected the defensive side of the ball, failing to replace veterans with younger guys. In the last two years, NE lost Junior Seau, Mike Vrabel, Rodney Harrison, and Asante Samuel on the defensive end among others. When NE traded away Richard Seymour—a move that independently made sense—it left its defense almost completely lacking in playmakers.

The result for the Patriots is a team that can’t get big stops (see: Indy and Miami) and an offense that, without Tom Brady at full health or Randy Moss at full attention, doesn’t approach the potency of even the 2008 version.

All that said, if the NFL Playoffs have taught us anything the last several years, it’s that they’re impossible to predict. Momentum is difficult to judge: the Colts entered last season’s playoffs on a nine-game winning streak while the Cardinals lost four of their last six…and the two wins were over teams that went 6-26. A No. 1 seed hasn’t won the Super Bowl since 2003, and No. 6 seeds have more playoff wins the last four seasons than top seeds (nine to six).

All that means that while the Giants and Pats look dead now, they might be primed to pull one of those contradictory playoff upsets.

• Just to point out: If Buffalo had hung on in Week 1 at Gillette, they would be 6-7, one game behind MIA, NE, and NYJ at 7-6 in that division.

• After three wins in a row, it’s time to reinstate the Jets Bash of the Week: Hey “Gang Green,” you know who did an even better job defensively against the Bucs in Tampa this season: the Giants’ defense!

• Jim Caldwell will rest his starters because Jim Caldwell is too scared to actually make a decision as coach of the Indianapolis Colts.

• And that decision—whichever way it goes—has a huge impact on the AFC playoff picture with Jacksonville and the Jets coming up the next two weeks for Indy.

• Just as intriguing to me as the Colts’ and Saints’ winning streaks is the Chargers’ December streak, which now stands at 16 in a row. Like, Philip Rivers has never lost a game he started in December. That’s really impressive. And if I had to pick my AFC Champion right now, San Diego’s it.

• After Ray Rice’s standout performance against the Lions, Peter King said that Rice is “emerging as a top-10 back.” In doing so, King manages to be both understated and tardy: Rice has been one of the 3-5 best running backs in football pretty much all season, like I said last week.

• It’s nice to see that the record for most receptions in an NFL game is held by a classier guy than Terrell Owens, even if that classier guy is Brandon Marshall.

• Speaking of Owens, Michael Wilbon just said, “You know what’s sad? He’s become irrelevant.” I agree completely, so long as you replace “sad” with “awesome.”

• The Packers have nine wins? And the Bears have eight losses? When did that happen?

• Most exciting game of the upcoming week: Miami and Tennessee. Elimination game in the playoff race, and I think the winner grabs the last Wild Card spot.

• Just when you want to buy into the Cardinals…

• Should we pencil in Cincinnati’s first-round loss now, or do you want to wait another week?

• You see that Bills-Chiefs game? Have any other teams played more forgettable games this year than Buffalo and Kansas City? Everyone who attended the 1993 AFC Championship must be sick.

• SBCS: New Orleans, Indianapolis, Minnesota, San Diego, Philadelphia

I was on the radio with the Open Mic Daily guys last week on ESPN 1400, and one of them (props, Smitty) asked what a coach needed to be successful in the NFL. That got me thinking, and so I wanted to create a Football Relativity comparison of the various skills a coach must have to be successful as an NFL head coach. We’re comparing these skills using a 10-point scale, with the 10 level noting the most important skills and the 1 level noting the skills that are merely marginal.

10 – Creating and organizing a system – This is the most vital thing a head coach must do. A coach, in conjunction with the rest of the football organization, must determine what kind of team he wants to have. Bill Parcells is the best of all time at this. He wants a team that is big and physical. He has physical dimensions he wants at each position. That clear plan allows everyone else in the organization to have a goal in mind and point toward that goal. Without a plan, a head coach fails. But the best coaches – Parcells, Bill Belichick, Tony Dungy, Andy Reid, etc. – know what the goal is and have built a system that allows their teams to move toward that goal.

9 – none

8 - Building a staff – A head coach must delegate (more on that later), and so a coach must be able to have assistants he trusts to do what they were hired to do. A coach with assistants who are skilled at teaching and at game planning gets a leg up. Staff chemistry is also an issue. You’ve got to have guys who are pulling the same direction that you are, and you have to make changes when that isn’t happening. That’s why, for example, Arizona’s Ken Whisenhunt let defensive coordinator Clancy Pendergast go after last season despite a Super Bowl berth – he wanted a defense that did what his vision was. New defensive coordinator Bill Davis is on the same page as Whisenhunt, and the results look quite good right now.

8 (con’t)- People skills – A head coach needs to be able to relate to others. Just as in any other leadership position, a head coach has to treat others well so that everyone stays on the same page. This doesn’t mean being a pushover; the head coach can be firm. But the demeanor needs to be fair and consistent. When that doesn’t happen, no one in the organization can fully trust the coach, and that undermines the system.

7 – Delegation – Even if a coach builds the right staff, he still must let the staff do its job. That takes delegation. If a coach doesn’t delegate responsiblity – whether it’s running practice, teaching skills, creating a game plan, calling plays, or whatever – then he runs the risk of spreading himself too thin and compromising one or more parts of his job. Delegation is vital to the overall success of a coach.

6 – Game planning - This is an important skill, but it’s not a head coach’s primary responsibility. In an ideal world, the head coach will have input and give guidance to the overall game plan, but it’s the assistants who take a philosophy and turn it into a weekly plan. It’s also the assistants and advance scouts who will find holes in opponents that can be exploited. While many coaches who have been coordinators hold onto this responsibility, the best head coaches know what part of game planning to do themselves and how much of this task to delegate.

5 – Play calling - Like game planning, play calling is something most head coaches are good at. In many cases, it’s what got a coordinator noticed and promoted into head-coaching jobs. But often, head coaches are better off giving up play-calling duties so that they can focus on macro issues within a team and an organization. We’ve seen this to be true in Washington this season, as the Redskins’ offense has clicked better now that Jim Zorn has given up play-calling duties. The play callers can give more detailed attention to play calling than Zorn, who has far more duties, could.

4 – Game and clock management – This is the place where coaches catch reams of criticism. From Belichick’s decision to go for a fourth-and-2 to use of timeouts to many other issues, mistakes in this area are glaring. But they are actually a small part of a coach’s job. A coach can be wildly successful without good game management skills, while a coach with unbelievable game management skills but no system will quickly fail. This area seems more important than it is; it’s not a make-or-break skill.

4 (con’t) – Replay challenges – This is a subset of game management that can lead to great criticism but ultimately is a minor part of a coach’s job. In fact, a coach who makes emotional decisions with the red flag to support his players, even if he’s often wrong, can actually get players motivated and inspired. This ultiamtely is not a skill that will get a coach fired if he doesn’t have it – but it can help a bit.

3 – Motivation – Motivation skills are what fans love to see, but at the NFL level, this is a relatively minor issue. That’s because players are usually self-motivated. Money, playing time, endorsements, and more keep players preparing at a high level. So motivation doesn’t make the huge difference in the pros that it can on the college level.

3 (con’t) – Discipline – Some coaches, like Eric Mangini, take discipline to the nth degree. But in the broad view, discipline isn’t as important as organization. If you have an organized system, then discipline serves to keep players in line with it. But if your system is unclear or unorganized, then discipline won’t save it. Those two things must go hand in hand. Otherwise, you look like a self-righteous jerk instead of a disciplined head coach. But when you have a system, such as a coach like Tom Coughlin has, then discipline is how the system runs. That’s a combination that works.

2 – none

1 – Dealing with media – This is another high-profile part of a coach’s job, but it ultimately doesn’t determine whether coaches thrive or not. While it’s nice to have a coach who’s good with the media, a la Rex Ryan or Dungy, it doesn’t make that coach successful. As long as a coach can let media criticism roll off his back, his demeanor with the media doesn’t really affect the performance of a team in the long run. It’s hard for a former media member to admit, but it’s true.

New York Giants G Chris Snee

1. “They’re looking to deliver the knockout punch,” said Giants guard Chris Snee. “We’ll see who delivers the knockout on Sunday.”

New York Giants LB Michael Boley

2. “This division is wide open,” said linebacker Michael Boley. “At this point in the year with this many games left it’s up in the air. It’s a crap-shoot. I’m not going to say they’re the team to beat. Anybody has a chance to win this division. It’s all about how you finish.”

New York Giants DE Justin Tuck

3. Justin Tuck said earlier this week that, on a scale of one to 10, his confidence is an “11″. His teammates seem to feel the same way.

New York Giants TE Kevin Boss

4. “It’s hard not to lose a little confidence when you’re on a losing streak like this,” said tight end Kevin Boss. “But I think we’ve kind of got to refuse to feel that lack of confidence and just remember how we started the season. There’s no reason why we can’t win these next several games and give ourselves a legitimate shot at making a run in the playoffs.”
5. “We haven’t been winning lately so people are going to write us off and that’s all right with us,” Boss said. “We still believe in each other.”

New York Giants Head Coach Tom Coughlin

Coach Tom Coughlin has a quote that seems more reasonable. “Naturally they are down. Everywhere they look they’re being beaten down. We’re trying the best we can to get the spirits back up.”

The team has either played very poorly recently, or has played almost well enough to win, only to lose at the last minute. The one victory they did get they almost blew and needed an overtime field goal to avoid further embarrassment. Granted, they have been hurt, to some degree. Kenny Phillips was supposed to be a star at Safety, but they lost him for the season early on. Now, you have “Defensive Captain and General” Antonio Pierce for the season, as well. Apparently the coaches didn’t love the way Chase Blackburn played as his replacement at Middle Linebacker, because this week second-year MLB Jonathan Goff will be starting instead. We’ll see how this plays out; the coaches seem to be high on him.

Besides the season-ending injuries, and their consequences, the Giants have also been dealing with random injuries that are making life much tougher. RB Ahmad Bradshaw has been playing with two injured feet, RB Danny Ware has been ruled out of this week’s game because of a concussion, and S Michael Johnson didn’t practice today either.

If the Giants want to have any chance at making the playoffs, this week is a must-win. They’re playing a motivated, hot Dallas Cowboys team, which is currently two games ahead of the G-Men. The Giants would really need this win anyway, because they’re a game out of the Wild Card also, and don’t want to fall too far behind from playoff contention. The Giants need to turn it around, and who better to defeat soundly than their NFC East division rival, the team they just barely beat in the new stadium in Dallas earlier this season.

Who is ready for a shootout? I am.

Welcome sports fans to the grand finale of the piece I call “SHOOTING FROM THE MOUTH”. It’s a sad day for the update, but that doesn’t mean that we go out quietly. I still got some things to say before this baby wraps. However, someone else wants to speak their mind. Let’s hear it for Terry of Scarsdale, NY, with her first “shoot-off”.

“Sports hero”

Who is your sport hero? We all have one…I mean really, the one who changes your way of thinking, your way of being…you. Think about it.

I’ll tell you mine…Phil Jackson. Not so much Phil

Jackson Lakers coach, but the Phil “mophead” Jackson of the NY Knicks and Chicago Bulls. He captured my heart when I was in HS and he was a NY Knick. I pursued it to the point that we became pen-pals. He knew about my college years, marriage, teaching job, divorce etc…..he knew all about my life. Then for several years we lost touch. When he became an asst. coach for the Chicago Bulls I once again pursued. As luck would have it, the summer right before he debuted as the head coach of the Bulls, I finally met him. Yeah, 3000 miles away from home, I met my sport hero in CA.

Sometimes we put our heroes on a pedestal and think he/she can do no wrong. Yet, when I finally met Mr. Phil Jackson I was not disappointed. He was everything I imagined him to be and more. From the physical to the cognitive to the spiritual, I knew he would forever be my sport hero for life. My point? Don’t ever give up on your hero. You may not ever meet him/her….but at least know that the way you imagine them may just be real. Who is your Sport Hero?

That was a great piece; I’m sure that everyone indeed as a sports hero. I would like to know who YOUR favorite sports hero is. That would be very good to know. Now, it’s time for the final shootout.

There are many hot stories in the NFL. The infamous “Spygate” case is just one of the various subplots within this league. Yet, the case that will remain throughout the year is Tiki Barber vs. the Giants. Tiki left to pursue other interests, but he revealed that he might have returned if Giants coach Tom Coughlin was fired. Barber also attacked the Giants defense in the first two weeks of football. Yet, he gave them a lot of credit (well-deserved) for their victory against the Redskins. One victory will not shut Barber up. The Giants are still the team that should take a pounding because they did not address their needs on both sides. Barber will be waiting to point out the mistakes they make for the next loss. In the end, Barber already won the fight before the first pass was thrown.

There are many stories within all of sports. There are two of them that are very important in this sports world filled with cheaters and liars. The Yankees literally came back from the dead to be in post-season contention. The bullpen may be shaky, but there is a back-up bridge for closer Mariano Rivera. The 22-year old Joba Chamberlain is the man for the job, but his story is very inspirational. Chamberlain is a Native-American Nebraska native. His parents divorced when he was three. His father, Harlan, has been battling polio for all of his life. He had to play catch with one hand and was unable to move the other. Yet, in the present day, Harlan can watch his son achieve a dream that many people wish to do: play for the New York Yankees. Harlan has always been a Yankee fan, and seeing Joba always brings a tear when he’s on that mound. When Joba pumps his fist after a strikeout, so does his father. Nothing in this world should make a parent prouder than that.

The other story is one of the NFL’s “better stories”. Brett Favre is still playing, and many people (including myself) thought that Favre should have retired after the 2006 season. Yet, Favre is still in the league. Since 1991, announcers have been saying, “Favre throws a touchdown”. The same question has been repeated in everyone’s mind: Why doesn’t he retire already? Well, he just can’t. Can Brett Favre really see himself as something else other than a football player? The answer in his mind is no. He’s suffered so much in recent memory. His father passed away in December of 2003, and Favre persevered. His wife, Deanna, battled breast cancer in 2004. Favre’s family lost their house during Hurricane Katrina. Favre has already won a Super Bowl and an MVP award. Why does he keep playing? He keeps playing because football is his sanctuary. His teammates and coaches are extended members of his family. He may be selfish at times, but all he wants to do is to win once more. Favre tied Dan Marino for the most touchdown passes in NFL history by a quarterback. He will break this record. That is inevitable. Yet, no matter what happens to the Packers in the season, Brett Favre is already a legend. Breaking this record will only make him an immortal. Brett Favre is a winner in my book.

The point of “Shooting From The Mouth” was to get people thinking. Sometimes, I would get in people’s faces. Other times would have me speculating on the future. I got some people to agree with me, and others to disagree. I got what I wanted: FEEDBACK! Just because that “Shooting From The Mouth” is saying good-bye does not mean that this is the end. It’s just a new beginning. I would like to thank everyone that has subscribed to these updates and encourage you to see who else would like to read them. Expect a regular update for Saturday, as I will bring you the latest with a new format. Until then, sports fans, good night everybody.

Yours truly,

Sebastian Maldonado

Copyright © 2007 by Sebastian Maldonado

TOM COUGHLIN

It turns out New York Giants coach Tom Coughlin DIDN’T have a three-way sexual encounter with two young women. What kind of person would even think such a thing was possible? Well…

Police in Philadelphia have arrested what his lawyers are calling a man with mental “disabilities” for sending threatening e-mails to Coughlin. The 30-year-old man sent letters to Coughlin threatening to release details of a nonexistent sexual tryst between the Giants coach and two women unless he was paid $20,000-30,000.

Where I Got Swine Flu From Jager...

Hey all. If it wasn’t brought to your attention, I have been on a blogging hiatus because I’m studying for my LSAT on December 6th. I guess God was smiting me because I contracted Swine Flu. My friends say it’s because I’m a pig. I say it’s because I had sex with your mother. BOOSH! Some say this is karma. Me? Well, I totally agree. Even though dystonia-girl was just looking for attention and is a big fat faker[edit:Not a faker, her symptoms were mostly mental] who turned out to have a speedy recovery. Well lah-dee-dah, your highness. Do cheerleaders just get everything? Grrr.

Well, as we all know swine flu is very serious and I’ve put a lot of thought into it. So here is my last will and testament:

I never was a rich man, basically because I have a slew of terrible habits. What little money I do have though, will go to who ever tracks down Maddox (the self proclaimed famous blogger) and kick him right in his self-serving balls. This guy is funny, sure, but his act is kind of tired and his book sucked. Know what else? He didn’t respond to my email. And I’m not just some kid whining he didn’t meet Maddox. Nope. He called out Swine Flu on his blog, and I was going to sneeze in his face and spit in his ginger ale as he requested.

To Berstreet: I’ve shaved my head and bagged the hair. Now you have costume material for years to come. You’re welcome.

To Tom Coughlin: I leave you my 16 inch retractable knight-stick. After knowing you did not go home and beat your son-in-law or your own blood who married him, I’m sending this for every Giants fan. Either you start laying down the law or I’ll fucking haunt the Meadowlands. Don’t mess with me. I’ll have NOTHING better to do. Hell, you can even use this to hit your wife. I don’t care. Just get mean again. Or I’ll have Deacon from King of Queens check your prostate with the GD thing.

To My Parents: Since I’ve prearranged my passing, I’ve deleted all the pornography from my lap top so you can strip it dry of all my writing and give it to a publisher. I’m sure they’ll either make advances on sociopath studies or at least a decent dick-joke sitcom.

To my Dog Rudy (pictured below):

Don't Laugh. He has a disorder.

Rudy, you’ve been a loyal companion for the 3 short years you’ve been alive with me. I know I’m checking out early and that’s usually the dog’s job but for your remaining years, I leave you…my femur. I decided I’m not going to be an organ donor because of the sole fact that I hate those purple bumper stickers with the pun about “Heaven knows we need them here!,” but I decided I can go to heaven missing a leg so a cute puppy can play for years with the strongest bone in the human body. Well, the 2nd strongest bone in MY body but I need the other one for Marilyn Monroe.

*high fives my attorney named Chaz*

To Brian Westbrook: You ruined my chance at playoffs in fantasy football this year for my money league and I think that’s why my body started shutting down. The fact I had Reggie Bush for 4 weeks and he didn’t crack 7 points and then he pops off for 21 while your career could be over just infuriated me. Just like when I dropped Rashard Mendenhall after the week he was benched and I did it thinking no one could grab him before the game. Well, my opponent did and he had 36 points against me. Ugh. Enough about my fantasy miscues, I feel like Ruxin with Gates from The League. Well, Brian. I leave you my frontal lobe. I’m sure you forgot math by now with all your concussions. Actually, scratch the organ donor idea. You can take all of my body parts when you need them if you just promise to drink some fucking milk once in a while and stop being made out of crackers and loose-leaf paper.

To Gally: I had to put a lot of thought into this one. I left you my toilet paper. Basically because you’re an asshole. ZING!

To LeBron James: I left you my tooth paste for you, because it’s very obvious you put your stupid foot in your stupid millionaire mouth when you said you’d be great at football. It was the next game that you sat out an entire half for banging your wrist on the rim while dunking. Now, I’m just a fan and an amateur blogger but I’m about your age so I can talk down to you…DON’T YOU THINK FOOTBALL IS A LITTLE ROUGHER THAN BASKETBALL? Douche.

To Ashton Kutcher: You get nothing. I’m just letting you know me and Patrick Swayze are going to run a fucking TRAIN on Demi Moore. That bitch must suck the blood of the innocent because she gets hotter as time goes on. Real talk.

To Levi Johnston: I’m leaving you my old bike helmet. Why? Because I’m going to be dropping a lot of pianos on your head. You suck something fierce my friend. You aren’t even funny or attractive yet you get Playgirl spreads? You’re the new K-Fed. Congrats. Taco Bell is awaiting your arrival. Scumbag.

To Business Socks from Style Points: I’m going to leave you my autographed Mickey Mantle rookie card that he signed for me as a kid. I’m also going to send you an autographed picture of myself. You might not know it, but you were the first sports blogger to pay attention to me

To Big Troph: I’m going to leave my sense of humor. God knows you guys need one over there.

To Gimp, I’m going to leave you my set of balls because you haven’t done anything man-worthy in a long time. I’m also leaving your name on Megan’s Law.com for all those 9 year olds doing mediocre things posts.

To Tila Tequila, I left you a muzzle and a dildo. If you don’t put on the muzzle just go fuck yourself. Man, last time I used that joke I had to give my dinosaur a bath. Man, could I be on any more fire?!?

It isn’t commonly known to a lot of people that I have OCD. Like Howard Hughes, I saved all my urine. I also didn’t do many drugs. So I am leaving all my pee bottles to the following: Tim Lincecum, Shawne Merriman, Michael Phelps, Dwayne Bowe, Sean Sherk, Alex Rodriguez, Manny Ramirez, Lattimer from The Program, my uncle Ray, former President Bush and fetish porn directors.

And lastly, my girlfriend. I’ve decided that you’re coming with me. Can’t have you cheating on me when I’m in hell heaven. So I’ve left you cyanide in the tea the lawyer just offered you. You’ll be dead before you can cry. See you soon honey!

On Sunday I’ll be making my third trip up to Giants Stadium this season to see a Giants-Falcons game that at the beginning of the season looked like it would be a late-November battle for NFC supremacy. After all, both the Giants and Atlanta were coming off playoff berths last season and looked poised to get even better. Now this game, while still important, is important for an entirely different reason. Both the Giants and Falcons are 5-4 and locked in a downward spiral. On Sunday, one team will win and improve to 6-4, possibly providing the momentum necessary to save the season and turn things around. On Sunday, one team will lose and drop to 5-5, making it very difficult to make a late-season playoff push. You can call it a do-or-die game, or a building block to bigger things or a hundred other euphemisms, the fact still remains: the Giants absolutely need to win this game. There’s no way around it. Coughlin called the Giants’ last game against San Diego a “one-game playoff”;  if that were true, the Giants have been knocked out already. But then something happened last week. With the Giants resting up on their bye week, both the Eagles and Cowboys, the two teams ahead of Big Blue in the NFC East, both lost. And suddenly this thing is far from over.

Sunday’s game also has me thinking about something else. It has me thinking about the last time the Falcons visited the Meadowlands, 5 years ago tomorrow. On November 21, 2004, I sat in Section 121 and watched Eli Manning, our prized number one draft pick make the first start of his NFL career. Even though I had absolutely no part in Eli Manning’s conception or subsequent birth, part of me felt like I was watching my son take the field for his first pop warner game, or something along those lines. I was still in high school at the time though, and these were still the days where Michael Vick was only 45% hype and 55% talent, as opposed to 95% hype and 5% talent like he has been post-prison stint. Unfortunately, the 55% of talent prevailed on that day and Vick rushed for something like 900 yards against us, in route to a 14-10 win. We did have a chance to win the game, but our last gasp drive was stalled when Eli was picked off by Keith Brooking. On that day in 2004, Eli was hesitant, he was a little unsure, and the impossibly high expectations that he carried with him from Oxford, Mississippi for the rest of that season, and the season after that and the season after that, made it extremely difficult for anyone to see past his shortcomings.

Did that all change when his playoff heroics helped us win the Super Bowl two years ago? I wish I could say it did, but in New York, there is no such thing as a championship grace period, as relentless and unforgiving as that may sound. Now, 5 years after that game against Atlanta, there is no question that Eli has emerged as one of the top quarterbacks in the league. On Sunday, I’d like to see that Eli. The Eli that’s a leader and a cool assassin in the clutch, and not the Eli from 2004 who looked like his lunch was on the way up after every bad pass he threw. I would like to win another Super Bowl (honestly, who wouldn’t?) and I think this team has about as good a shot as any other Giants team I’ve ever watched, even last year’s team. So it starts on Sunday, at home against Atlanta. Back to where it all began.

On to this week’s quick picks, sponsored by nobody. Home teams in all caps.

DETROIT (-3.5) over Cleveland

Mangini wasn’t the first coach to be fired this season? I guess cameos in The Sopranos do go a long way. You should have thought about that before you turned down the part, Dick Jauron.

Buffalo (+9) over JACKSONVILLE

And the countdown to T.O.’s first sideline temper tantrum begins….(checking watch)….NOW!

Pittsburgh (-10) over KANSAS CITY

Nothing allows you to heal the wounds of getting swept by the Bengals quite like a game against the Chiefs.

Indianapolis (-1) over BALTIMORE

This game has “37-3 Colts” written all over it.

NY GIANTS (-6.5) over Atlanta

I don’t know why I’m doing this. Please, someone tell me why I’m doing this. Oops, too late.

GREEN BAY (-6.5) over San Francisco

Brett Favre against Steve Young, should be a great game (2000).

MINNESOTA (-11) over Seattle

Brett Favre against Matt Hasselbeck, should be a boring game (2009).

Washington (+11) over DALLAS

Only because I know there’s no way that three different teams are going to cover 11+ point spreads this week.

New Orleans (-11.5) over TAMPA BAY

10-0 is when the people start talking. Can you handle that, Saints? Although the Pats 16-0 regular season a few years ago has taken some of that edge off.

Arizona (-9) over ST. LOUIS

Just a few more wins for the Cardinals before they go back to looking like they don’t really care. Just in time for the playoffs! Hey, it worked for them last year.

NY Jets (+10.5) over NEW ENGLAND

No I will not take the Patriots! Rex Ryan cried during a team meeting this week. HE CRIED. Do you know what that means?

Cincinnati (-9.5) over OAKLAND

Part of me is hoping for this game to be close so that a few people will vacate the Bengals bandwagon. I’m in Standing Room Only right now. My legs are getting tired and I’d like to have a seat.

San Diego (-3) over DENVER

Broncos should have stuck with wearing their mustard and brown Denver Omelettes uniforms. Ugly uniforms help teams win, just ask the Jets and Bucs.

Philadelphia (-3) over CHICAGO

-3 is the spread, and also what Jay Cutler fantasy owners see every time he throws another INT. I’m just kidding, I know that there aren’t any Jay Cutler fantasy owners….right?

Tennessee (+4.5) over HOUSTON

VINCE YOUNG WINS FOOTBALL GAMES.

Last Week: 7-8

Season Total: 81-63

Let me preface what I’m about to say by saying this: Bill Belichick is a good football coach.  Not great.  But certainly very good.

With that out of the way, it’s time to unload on the egotistic, heartless New England coach, who proved Sunday night that once again, he doesn’t care about looking like a jerk.

By now we all know about fourth and two.  But that’s not why I’m upset.  Sure, it was a bad decision, but would anyone have said that if the Patriots had converted?  Probably not.  What I’m upset about is what happened after the game.  Or, more specifically, what didn’t happen.

Several Indianapolis Colts assistant coaches and players were seeking out Belichick to congratulate him following Sunday night’s 35-34 hard-fought Colts victory.  But Belichick was nowhere to be found.  Unless you checked the tunnel.  Belichick bolted for the locker room faster than a school kid after the final bell following the game.  He nonchalantly shook Colts coach Jim Caldwell’s hand, but didn’t make eye contact or say a word.  Following the mock shake, Belichick stormed off like a child, not wanting to seek out any Indy players or coaches to congratulate them.

We’ve seen this act of immaturity before.  Following the Super Bowl XLIII loss to the Giants, Belichick shook head coach Tom Coughlin’s hand in the same way he shook Caldwell’s, then stormed off the field when there was still one second left in the game.  No other member of the Giants team or staff got a sniff of congratulations.

Then again, Coughlin should feel lucky.  Following New England’s overtime loss to Denver earlier this year, Belichick didn’t even shake the hand of Broncos head coach and former New England coordinator Josh McDaniels.

Throw in videogate, running up the score, dressing down for game days, being snotty with the media and being arrogant enough to go for it on fourth and two against an unbeaten team, and you’ve got yourself a model of what you want your kids not to be.  I already knew that everyone outside the city of Boston hated the man.  After last night, everyone in Boston may hate him too.

This week, instead of previewing a game or a person, UDU presents their first annual mid-season Power Rankings. We don’t know what was harder – ranking the top five or the bottom five. Enjoy!

1. New Orleans (8-0):  New Orleans is the complete package, and they got our top spot on stats and stats alone. The Saints are putting up an average of 37 points a game, and their defense is an improvement on last year’s. Their schedule is speckled with teams to roll over, but also with a couple tough ones (against Dallas, New England, and Atlanta)… but we do think they could end up undefeated in the end.

2. Indianapolis (8-0): Peyton Manning and the Colts are powerful and awe-inspiring, but their numbers aren’t as good as the Saints so they dropped into the second slot. This week against the Pats will prove if the Colts mean business or not, and there is a definite chance they can get it done. Reggie Wayne has done an excellent job replacing Marvin Harrison, and Dwight Freeney is stepping up the defense (a defense which remarkably lets up the least points in the league per game).

3. Pittsburgh (6-2): The champs had a tough start, but they are gaining momentum. Their defense looks back on track and is now number one against the run, and increasingly dangerous on the pass rush because of the resurgence of Troy Polamalu. Contrary to popular belief, Ben Roethlisberger is still in control and leads the league in completion percentage. If they can win against Cincinnati this week, the Steelers are staring another title right in the face.

4. Minnesota (7-1): The bye week was important for the Vikings, but did everyone forget about Peter Pan, we mean Brett Favre? Minnesota is  nasty on defense thanks to Jared Allen with his 10.5 sacks, but Favre is controlling the game and limiting his interceptions (he’s thrown only three through eight games). It really helps to have Percy Harvin, who is emerging as one of the top receivers out of this draft class.

5. New England (6-2): No one can ever count Tom Brady out, even after a tough start. Brady and the Pats seem to have gotten their feet under them and with a rematch with the Jets on the horizon, the NFC East is theirs to win. As long as Randy Moss and Wes Welker keep the offense strong, and the defense keeps performing well, the Pats will be playoff bound. Their coming out party is this week, however, and they are going to need to show the world that they are back against the Colts.

6. Cincinnati (6-2): We can’t say enough about the Bengals and their potential. A healthy Carson Palmer and the resurging Cedric Benson make all the difference, and if it wasn’t for two last-second plays they would be undefeated as well. They lost sack-machine Antwan Odom, but their defense rebounded in a nasty win against Baltimore last week, when Benson put up his second 100+ yard game against the Ravens defense. The AFC North may become one of the toughest in the league with three contenders battling for that top spot.

7. Dallas (6-2): Dallas is on top of the NFC East, but are they really playing well? They were sloppy against the Eagles, but they’ve won four straight. Tony Romo looks as if his mental issues are sorted out, and with Miles Austin as his new favorite target, the Cowboys offense is strong. They have some tough ones ahead, but we are looking forward to the matchup against the Saints on Dec. 19th.

8. Denver (6-2): Everyone thought they were wrong about the Broncos, but after losing two straight they dropped in our rankings. Kyle Orton has done a fine job at QB, their running game is on pace, and their defense is strong… but something just isn’t right. After six strong games, Denver has slowed its production down and isn’t nearly as clutch as it seemed to be. We are hoping they get back on track, and with their leadership they should be fine.

9. San Diego (5-3): Everyone seems to forget about the Chargers, that is… until they surge up and make it into the playoff conversation. Philip Rivers is one of the best quarterbacks who is ignored, and Vincent Jackson is quietly becoming the best receiver in the AFC West (is that hard?). With Shawne Merriman waking up, it is becoming evident that the Chargers are a team to be reckoned with. If they can’t find a run game, however, they won’t be going very far.

10. Philadelphia (5-3): The Eagles are as inconsistent as ever, and calls for Andy Reid’s job have begun in Philly earlier than usual. We can’t seem to blame the fans after that performance against the Cowboys last week. Philly has the personnel to put up big numbers, but Donovan McNabb isn’t in it. I think we can all agree, the Michael Vick experiment was a failure. Even though their linebackers seem to be dropping like flies, Philadelphia’s defense hasn’t lost a step under Sean McDermott, and that may be what is keeping them in the hunt.

11. Baltimore (4-4): The Ravens have lost to good teams in rough-and-tumble games, but it does look like they aren’t the team they used to be. Luckily for Baltimore fans, Joe Flacco has become a part of the passing game. But the Ravens look old, and they definitely aren’t the defense we remember from last year. They better invest in better receivers, or they are going to have problems with dropped balls for a while to come.

12. Atlanta (5-3): Matt Ryan has been a little bit of a disappointment this season, which makes the hunt for the wildcard even tougher. Tony Gonzales was really a step in the right direction. With Roddy White and Michael Turner added to that mix, it’s a wonder the Falcons don’t put up 40 points a game. The reason they are 5-3? Their defense is full of holes that lose them games on a consistent basis. They need to step up and take the reigns or they will not make the playoffs this year.

13. Arizona (5-3): The Cardinals just aren’t the same team they were a year ago. Kurt Warner fluctuates from genius to schlub depending on the game. They had good wins against the Giants and the Bears, but the losses to San Francisco and Carolina really hurt their credibility. Larry Fitzgerald is enjoying his Sunday double team, and there isn’t another option for the Cards at this time. At this point in the season, things are starting to look up, but their defense also has to pull it together.

14. NY Giants (5-4): The Giants are skidding, and things aren’t looking good. Even though they hopped out to a 5-0 start, but with the exception of a win against Dallas, their first five games were relatively easy opponents. Now that the Giants are getting into the meat of their schedule, it’s looking like they aren’t as strong as they used to be. The defense has holes, the offense isn’t strong. Every game plan Tom Coughlin makes, it seems as if the opponents are one step ahead. The Giants need to stop the bleeding if they hope to finish this season in the playoffs.

15. Houston (5-4): The Texans are one of the best teams when they are hot, but they aren’t quite contenders yet. They obviously can’t win the division while the Colts are so hot, but they have shown massive improvements from last year. Matt Schaub is up there with the best QBs in the league in every statistic. The number one passing offense in the league is complimented by the most underrated receiver in the league, Andre Johnson. Brian Cushing was a great first round choice, and he is bringing fire to the defense. They are on the verge, and we are just waiting for them to push through.

16. Miami (3-5): Miami has been in games, they have challenged the best. The problem is they can’t find a way to win. They aren’t going to win the AFC East, and they aren’t going win many more, but they are capable of the upset on any given week. The Dolphins are still running the Wild Cat, they are still competitive, and thanks to Joey Porter, they are still talking smack.

17. Green Bay (4-4): They are powerful, but can they really win anything? Aaron Rodgers hasn’t had time to make the plays he is capable of because of a horrendous offensive line who has allowed 37 sacks. Ryan Grant and Donald Driver make a great one-two punch, but we are afraid the Pack may be in trouble, yet again.

18. Jacksonville (4-4): The Jags have a great foundation, but they need a better quarterback. David Gerrard just isn’t cutting it. With offensive weapons as powerful as Maurice Jones-Drew and Mike Sims-Walker, the Jaguars have a chance to win any game. Their defense isn’t great either; they have a lot of growing to do before they can be in the top half of the league.

19. San Francisco (3-5): We refuse to believe, no matter how bad the Niners do, that a team with a coach like this could have a losing season. They may finish at .500, but Mike Singletary will always find  a way to win. They need to figure out their quarterback situation, but Frank Gore and Michael Crabtree make excellent building blocks for an offense.

20. NY Jets (4-4): We will see how the Jets respond after their bye, but with the exception of their defense (who is presently still #1) the Jets have looked pretty mediocre. Give Sanchez some time to get his feet under him, and they will be ready to contend for an AFC East title.

21. Carolina (3-5): The Panthers play well when Jake Delhomme limits the turnovers, which isn’t often. They have a great team, and their defense is awakening, but their quarterback hands the game to the other team on a consistent basis, and that is no way to win.

22. Chicago (4-5): Did you see Thursday Night Football? Jay Cutler is a bust in Chicago, but it’s not his fault. Their defense isn’t strong, they have no weapons on offense. They were highly overrated before the season even started.

23. Seattle (3-5): The Seahawks have won the games they were supposed to win, but they have a lot of problems. Matt Hasselbeck is having his chance to show the world what he is capable of, and nothing is really coming out. Without him, the Hawks are lost.

24. Buffalo (3-5): The Bills looked great in their season opener on Monday Night Football, but then it stopped. Their quarterbacks are awful (both of them). Any season without a T.O. meltdown is a waste anyway.

25. Tennessee (2-6): We said it before, the Titans were the best 0-6 team ever. Even if Vince Young wasn’t the best these last few weeks, he has re-energized a team that simply looked cold on the field. Nate Washington may have been an overpaid mess, but Justin Gage will keep them alive if he has to. No playoffs this year, but they have opportunities to learn from this.

26. Tampa Bay (1-7): The Bucs won their first game last week, but their team is young. They are the definition of a rebuilding stage, and we hope to see this get much better.

27. Oakland (2-6): Is there any hope? Giving the team over to JaMarcus Russell was a mistake, and everyone knows it now. There weren’t many people who thought this could be a good season, and the Raiders are proving them right.

28. Detroit (1-7): The biggest difference? They are competitive. The Lions have actually led games this year… they have made themselves a contender in every game. Matthew Stafford needs a year under his belt to learn, but this baptism by fire may be what makes him a good quarterback.

29. Washington (2-6): Can you think of a team who looks as horrible? The Redskins aren’t challenging anyone in the NFC East, let alone the league. Their defense, however, deserves mention for keeping them in a lot of close games.

30. Kansas City (1-7): This isn’t entirely Matt Cassell’s fault. He’s been beat up in Kansas City, but what is going on? Todd Hailey is supposed to specialize in offense. This was supposed to be a better year.

31. Cleveland (1-7): Eric Mangini will not be the coach much longer (we hope), but the Browns are worse now than when they started the season. They have two horrible quarterbacks to choose from, and traded away their best target to make it that much harder on them. The Browns are being investigated on three different topics, and Mangenius is looking like he’s getting the swift axe. There is no such thing as optimism in Cleveland now.

32. St. Louis (1-7): There will be no win-less teams in the NFL, and we are glad. We like Steve Spagnuolo, and we love Steven Jackson, and neither of them deserve this torture.

Every time it seems to me that I’ve grasped the deep meaning of the world, it is its simplicity that always overwhelms me…. Everything simple is beyond us. What is blue, and how do we think “blue”?

—Albert Camus

Three seasons ago, the NFL peaked in terms of its own scheduling. Every team had enjoyed its bye week by Week 9 (hehe), meaning that there was a distinct midway point of the season by which everyone had played eight games.

The NFL, for some unknown reason, tinkered with its bye scheduling in the subsequent years, pushing some byes back later in the schedule. Thus, this year, while 30 of the 32 teams have already had their bye and have played eight games and can be totally compared at a kind of midway point, the Giants and Texans are 5-4 heading into their byes.

This does not, however, mean that we can’t still consider this halftime of the 2009 NFL season and the perfect time to look back at what I thought was going to happen, and what subsequently did not happen. We’ll hand out awards amidst some “Pats on the Back” and several “Yeah, about that…”s.

TEAM I WAS MOST WRONG ABOUT: Wow, there are a lot of contenders here. I had the Jets starting 0-5. I had the Broncos going 4-12 and the Titans at 11-5. I thought the Packers would win the NFC North and that the Rams AND Browns could EACH scratch out seven wins (not combined, EACH!). But none of these awful awful predictions can lay a finger on this one: “An offense with Haley calling the plays, Cassel at QB, Larry Johnson in the backfield, and Dwayne Bowe catching passes could be one of the AFC’s best.” I had the Chiefs at 9-7. The Chiefs. The same team that has lost 30 of its last 33 games! And traded their best player! What was I thinking???

PAT ON THE BACK: “The point is: It’s not happening again. The schedule is tougher, and Pennington hasn’t put together back-to-back good seasons since, well, he played for Marshall.”

The Dolphins are, in fact, exactly halfway to the 6-10 I predicted for them, in large part because Chad Pennington once again failed to back up a good year in the NFL. At the same time, I still think they’re the best under .500 team in the league and one of two teams currently saddled with five losses or more with a hope at the postseason. The other is the 49ers.

TEAM I WAS MOST RIGHT ABOUT: I think I did pretty well for myself in the NFC South, predicting a Saints’ division title, the semi-demise of Jake Delhomme, some struggles from the Falcons (who are a lot less impressive than they were three weeks ago), and that the Bucs were the worst team in the league. I stand by that with Tampa. They are the worst team in the league, even though Josh Freeman looked, without hyperbole, 1000 times better than I expected.

PAT ON THE BACK (WITH MAJOR QUALIFICATION): “While Joe Flacco will be given more offensive responsibility in Year Two (besides, you know, handing off and throwing the occasional deep ball), the defense will take a step back with the departures of Rex Ryan, Bart Scott, and Jim Leonhard—all to the Jets.”

Man, I was right on with that one. Flacco’s play through the first eight games has been one of the bigger surprises in the AFC North. It is not as surprising as the subpar play of the Baltimore defense, though.

Of course, the next sentence: “It won’t be a huge step, but it will be enough to offset the offensive improvement, especially considering the uncertainty in the Baltimore running game.”

I believe Ray Rice has solved that “uncertainty.”

YEAH, ABOUT THAT…: “It’s awfully tough to count on Cedric Benson to be a constant contributor offensively. I think it’s a bounceback year for Carson Palmer and that the Bengals will be competitive, but it’s tough to see this team scratching out much space in this division.”

BUT, if Cincinnati loses their last eight games (practically a sure thing), they’ll match my 6-10 prediction.

FIRST-HALF MVP: Peyton Manning. There is no need to explain.

PAT ON THE BACK: “Can I see the Titans being a team that goes from 13-3 to 7-9? Absolutely: Kerry Collins is their quarterback.”

YEAH, ABOUT THAT…: “At the same time, I expect them to grind out close wins and find themselves at the top of the division and with a first-round bye for a second straight year.”

Even if Tennessee does what we all expect and wins out behind Vince Young, it’s unlikely 10-6 will be enough for a first-round bye.

FIRST-HALF LVP: JaMarcus Russell. I already did my ‘splainin’ on this one.

PAT ON THE BACK: “I tried to keep the Colts out of the playoffs, but it’s really hard to find an eighth loss for this team.”

I was right. It is really hard to find an eighth loss for this team. And it’s not like I said it was easy to find any of the first seven.

YEAH, ABOUT THAT…: “Everything sets up perfectly for San Diego to cruise to the top seed in the AFC.”

So, not happening. BUT, you think the Colts aren’t rooting for the Broncos to win that division and the Chargers to stay home in January? Indianapolis hasn’t lost to a non-Charger team in any game in over one year, and the Colts are undefeated in playoff games against teams that aren’t the Chargers since 2006.

MAYBE MY BEST CALL OF THE YEAR: “Plus, is Matt Forte really that good? I’m always wary of one-year running back wonders (hey there, Olandis Gary!).”

Through eight games, Matt Forte has 441 yards and is averaging 3.6 yards per carry. He has just over half the yardage Cedric Benson has for the Bengals.

PAT ON THE BACK: “Steve Smith and Domenik Hixon are tenable NFL receivers.”

Smith leads the league in receiving. Unfortunately, his coach still doesn’t think a Super Bowl MVP at quarterback and the league’s leading receiver can attempt a pass in the red zone with a chance to put the game away late without throwing an interception. Worst. Decision. Ever.

YEAH, ABOUT THAT…: “They’re pretty good, and I could see them winning the other three divisions in the NFC.”

That’s about the Redskins. The 2-6 Redskins. The dull, nothing going on upstairs…Redskins.

DEFINITELY MY BEST CALL OF THE YEAR: “The Lions will end their regular season losing streak in Week 3 against the Washington Redskins.”

The Redskins are 2-6, and their two wins have come by two over the Rams (1-7) and by three over the Bucs (1-7). Two of their losses have come to the Lions (1-7) and the Chiefs (1-7).

YEAH, ABOUT THAT…: “Let’s get this straight: Brett Favre is an improvement over Tarvaris Jackson and/or Sage Rosenfels. But a Super Bowl contending improvement?”

If the Vikings lose out, they’ll finish with the 7-9 I prescribed for them this season. That said, they will neither win nor appear in the Super Bowl.

STAT THAT BEARS WATCHING: Chris Johnson is averaging 6.7 yards per carry. This would not be an NFL record, since Michael Vick averaged 8.4 yards per carry just three years ago for the Falcons. But, nobody with as many as Johnson’s 144 carries thus far this season has ever averaged as much as 6.7 yards a carry. The list of single-season leaders in yards per carry is stocked with quarterbacks and part-time backs from older eras.

If Johnson keeps up his current pace—and this isn’t an outlandish thing to conceive of: the Titans have already faced two of the toughest defenses in the NFL (PIT and NYJ), and their offense has shown some life the past two weeks with Vince Young at quarterback (haven’t seen the games, but I imagine they have incorporated some kind of spread-option with Vince and Chris, which has the potential to be the toughest play to defend in the league with their respective speeds*)—he can not only challenge the 2,000-yard mark but also Jim Brown’s 6.4 yards per carry from 1963, when he ran for 1,863 yards for the Browns.

So there’s something worth watching in Tennessee.

*If NFL fields were set up with wider hashmarks like those in college, I’m pretty sure the Titans could run this play every down and be very successful. Young or Johnson would get to the edge at least once every three plays.

YEAH, ABOUT THAT…: “Edgerrin James is still a good enough running back to keep teams honest.”

This week: In case you missed it last week, “Seahawks release Edgerrin James.”

COACH MOVING FASTEST UP THE “COOLEST COACHES” LIST: Did you see Ken Whisenhunt after beating the Bears last week? That was awesome! Anytime I get to link back to this is noteworthy.

Whisenhunt, comfortably at No. 4 in the preseason rankings, is seriously challenging Jeff Fisher’s slot at No. 3. It will be tougher to surpass Singletary at 2 and impossible to catch Tomlin at 1.

COACH STILL IN LAST ON THE “COOLEST COACHES” LIST: Brad Childress managed to look even creepier this season. He’s really upped the ante.

The Jets had a bye and the Chiefs played the Jaguars, so I don’t need to address those teams with my weekly features.

Prior to the Week 10 Snap

Last Week: 5-8

This Season: 48-65

Chicago (+3) over SAN FRANCISCO

Surprised the Niners are favored, you know, after losing to a 1-6 team.

NY JETS (-6.5) over Jacksonville

A rematch of that scintillating ’98 AFC Divisional Playoff Game!

Denver (-4) over WASHINGTON

How fast have the oddsmakers jumped off the Broncos’ bandwagon? Four points?

PITTSBURGH (-7) over Cincinnati

I’ll keep picking against the Bengals until they stop proving me wrong.

TENNESSEE (-6.5) over Buffalo

If ever a team could go from 0-6 to 10-6…

Detroit (+16.5) over MINNESOTA

Sure, why not? Those Lions should have covered last week.

New Orleans (-13.5) over ST. LOUIS

Saints haven’t covered the last two. But they play the Rams.

CAROLINA (+1.5) over Atlanta (outright)

NFC South teams don’t lose at home to other NFC South teams.

MIAMI (-10) over Tampa Bay

Josh Freeman in the hostile road environment at Land Shark Stadium? Not likely.

Kansas City (+1.5) over OAKLAND (outright)

That “not likely” was referring both to the chances of Freeman playing well and there being a hostile crowd at Land Shark Stadium. And no team should lose twice to these Raiders.

ARIZONA (-8.5) over Seattle

Cards have learned how to play on the road; can they win at home anymore?

SAN DIEGO (-2.5) over Philadelphia

Because I want it to happen.

Dallas (-3) over GREEN BAY

Big day for DeMarcus Ware.

INDIANAPOLIS (-3) over New England

Patriots defense just isn’t good enough to stop the Colts anymore, especially in Indy.

Baltimore (+11) over CLEVELAND

Still think the Ravens are that division’s best. And I’m going out on a limb: I’m sure the Browns are its worst.

I know I wanted to go on a blogging hiatus and I’m going to…just don’t get me started on Notre Dame and Charlie Weis. But I seriously might consider going after Tom Coughlin. And all of New York media including the God awful Mike and Mike (stop sucking off the Jets and the Eagles). How does every prominent newspaper go after a defense that caused 2 interceptions and a fumble? They stepped up this week and gave up 14 points in 58 minutes of play. It was Tom Coughlin’s decision to go from a 1st and 5 to a 2nd and 2 on the botched field goal drive.
That’s the key of the game. Right there. The Giants drew a penalty and Coughlin elected to decline the penalty and take the yardage they gained (+3 yards) rather than the penalty (+5 yards and stll 1st down). He was basically saying that my team can’t go 3 yards in 1 play. Well, he was right. Because they ran the ball twice and was stuffed by the San Diego defense twice to make it 4th down and then an abortion of an attempt for a field goal occurred. Not an aborted attempt. Lawrence Tynes shat babies on the field. It was pathetic. It was a bad snap but Feagles got it down and Tynes elected to not kick the fucking ball.

So now it’s Chargers ball going the other way. When if they take that penalty, they run on first down and can open the playbook from there. Instead, they limited themselves to all of their run plays and San Diego stacked the box with 8 fellas.

Not to mention after Terrell Thomas returns an interception (a DEFENSIVE play, for all you New York writers who have lost touch with the game) to the Chargers 4 yard line. Then of course, one of the Giants 9 penalties (a sign of a poorly coached program) for 105 yards occurred. Tom Coughlin’s fucking SON IN LAW got a holding penalty and brings them back. With 2:36 left on the clock, Coughlin decides to run the ball twice and throw a conservative pass. NO SHOT AT THE ENDZONE?!? Right now, the Chargers had 2 timeouts, so I understand it. But why wouldn’t you tell Eli (the highest paid QB in the league…whom you don’t trust enough to NOT turn the ball over) if there is nothing available, eat the sack? That would give you the opportunity to burn the timeouts if there is nothing wide open. Or how about a screen pass to Hakeem Nicks which probably has gained them at least 10 yards a play? What about a dump pass to Boss who has held everything that was every thrown at him when he has been getting helmet to helmet collisions? HOW ABOUT ANYTHING IN THE FUCKING WORLD BUT JACOBS UP THE MIDDLE?!?

Brandon Jacobs has been averaging less than 4 yards a carry. 3.9 yards still is a first down every 4 attempts and therefor doesn’t consist of a bad average but I would suggest going with a play that averages a little more than 3.9 yards an attempt. Plus, he was already stuffed on that first drive that I was talking about. He’s running timid. Like he got his bell rung. I don’t understand. He hits the hole and dances around. He used to just blow through it and break arm tackles. Now he gets “tripped up” by his “shoe strings”, something I thought I’d never hear from a 6′4”, 270 pounder that runs lightning fast. He hasn’t even surpassed 100 yards a game this season. Ugh.

You have a QB worth $106 million and you can’t even trust him enough to not throw an interception in the endzone to the leading WR in the country? Or how about a big play threat like Mario Manningham or Hakeem Nicks? What about a physical anomaly like Ramses Barden? Or a guy who has held onto balls through 2 helmet to helmet collisions like Kevin Boss? I’m just saying, Tom Coughlin, if Plaxico Burress was there you would’ve thrown him a fade… If Shockey was there you would have thrown something his way… You have the fucking weapons, use them. And learn how to manage a game of when my billion dollar a year comes through (Mark Cuban, call me I need an investor), I’m going to buy the Giants and make myself the coach.

Always a relaxing Sunday when the Jets have a bye week.  I don’t yell and scream, I don’t pace all that much, and I’m not constantly on the phone with my Dad or other members of my Jets posse ranting and raving or hooting and hollering.

Enjoyed quite a lot of good football Sunday; went to a different sports bar than I usually do. You know how sometimes you just need a little change in your routine? Well, I thought I did. Only this place, well, stunk. Its TVs were spread all over the place, so it was hard to watch more than one game.

Then they were out of the sandwich I ordered, then the sodas tasted weird (like the formula was way off), then my second lunch choice took like 40 minutes for me to get it (the very exotic burger de cheese).

So, yeah, back to Houligans next week.

Anyway, the football action, as I saw it:

**I know it sounds strange to say this considering he and his team only won by 3, but I continue to be so incredibly amazed by Peyton Manning. The guy gets better and better; he’s like Roger Federer to me in that the more I watch Manning, the more impressed I am. Texans-Colts was my main viewing game Sunday (I usually am watching 3 or 4 at once, but one is usually the one I pay closest attention to), and I just marvel at Manning.

Every throw is where it needs to be; his receivers are almost always catching the ball in stride. He doesn’t hold the ball too long like he used to, and you just always believe he’s going to lead his team to a win. The guy is just unreal.

**Crushing, crushing loss for the Texans. You come back from 13-0 down, watch Manning go down the field to take the lead, and then your quarterback, Matt Schaub, brings you back down the field and gets you in position for the tying field goal. Then Kris Brown blows the 42-yarder.

This is why players sometimes hate kickers.

***Man, the Giants are the most puzzling team right now. They go 5-0 to start the year, and now have lost four straight. Tom Coughlin totally wimped out not going for the put-away touchdown when the G-Men were up 17-14; he played it Catholic-schoolgirl-on-a-first date safe, simply going for the field goal to go up 6. So then of course Philip Rivers leads the Chargers down for the winning touchdown.

** Tip to fantasy football owners: Always pick up the defense that’s playing the Browns, Raiders or Redskins. I had the Falcons’ D this week against the Skins. Jason Campbell is the gift that keeps on giving.

**Hell of a win on the road by Dallas, though I hate to give them any credit. The Eagles just can’t convert on a 3rd and 1 or 4th and 1. Stunning.

** OK, so it’s not quite to the level of Bob Dance commercial annoyance, but those idiotic Coors Light ads that run every five seconds during NFL games, the ones with the two morons yelling down to Brian Billick and Dennis Green and Mike Ditka about beer? Please, make them stop. They’re not funny, they never were funny, and I want to throw something at the TV when they come on. Thank you.

**So here’s something kind of cool. There’s a web site, called banknotes365.com dedicated to printing the exact wording of the notes that bank robbers hand tellers when they’re committing the crime.

I found it fascinating that some of them say please (type in “please” in the search bar to bring those up), while other ones request “no dye packs please.” Like it’s a restaurant and they want no mushrooms or cilantro with their meal.

I only wish we also had a record of the conversation between the robbers moments before. Guaranteed, they all include the line, “Man, this is definitely going to work. No way we’re going to get caught.”

There were a lot of things that occurred during Sunday’s contest between the San Diego Chargers and New York Giants that would lead one to anticipate that the Giants would eventually leave the Meadowlands turf with a victory.

Usually, controlling the ball for 15 1/2 more minutes than the opponent, stuffing the running game to the tune of 34 yards and intercepting two passes is the formula that produces a victory. But the Giants sabotaged themselves with numerous mistakes and dumb things and the Chargers took advantage in rallying for a 21-20 victory.

In fact, the Chargers had just 151 yards of total offense when they took over on their own 20-yard line with 2:05 to play and trailing by six points. If there ever was a time for Philip Rivers to show up Eli Manning, this was the time — the game on the line in Manning’s home stadium against the team that drafted him and dealt him to the Chargers to obtain Manning’s services.

Rivers was up to the task, completing 6-of-8 passes on the final drive and hitting Vincent Jackson on the 18-yard game-winning score with 21 seconds left on the clock. So instead of a long plane flight home fretting over a .500 mark at the midway point, the giddy Chargers had an enjoyable excursion as owners of a 5-3 record.

The Chargers have now won three consecutive games with key games against the Philadelphia Eagles (at home) and Denver Broncos (on the road) next on the slate.  

The much-anticipated meeting between Rivers and Manning was a wash statistically. Rivers was 24-of-36 for 209 yards, three touchdowns and two interceptions, while Manning was 25-of-33 for 215 yards and two touchdowns.

If the Chargers had lost, Manning would have been the clear winner due to Rivers’ two interceptions. But because of his ability to navigate the Chargers 80 yards to win the game, Rivers (along with Jackson, who caught two TDs) was the hero.

The Chargers were able to sack Manning five times with linebacker Shawne Merriman recording two. Safety Eric Weddle (nine tackles) seemed to be in on a lot of key plays as he becomes more comfortable with being the team’s top safety.

Of course, the Chargers received a lot of help from the Giants, beginning with an opening drive that saw the Giants possess the ball for nearly half the quarter without scoring a point. Despite his team pushing the Chargers all over the field, Giants coach Tom Coughlin decided to kick a field goal on fourth-and-1 from the Chargers’ 21 and kicker Lawrence Tynes inexplicably failed to kick the ball.

In my view, that set the tone for what type of game ensued. It was a monumental momentum boost for the Chargers to see the Giants come up empty. The Giants would fail to take advantage of other opportunities, another key one being the sequence when they settled for a fourth-quarter field goal after Terrell Thomas intercepted Rivers and returned the ball to the San Diego 4.

Giants guard Chris Snee – the son-in-law of Coughlin and a person sure to be greeted rudely at the next dinner-table encounter — was called for holding and New York settled for a 22-yard field goal by Tynes with 2:07 remaining that left the door open for a Chargers comeback.

So the Chargers won on an afternoon in which they could muster just 34 rushing yards — 15 of them on a scramble by Rivers — and the Giants (5-4) suffered their fourth straight loss despite outplaying San Diego much of the day. LaDainian Tomlinson had just 22 yards on 12 carries and those whispers of his rapid decline will soon increase.

But the important thing on this Sunday was that the Chargers won the game — with a Giant final possession.

The past few weeks have been dreadful for us New Yorkers. In the middle of the NFL season, both our teams are not doing well. Until today, the Giants were on a four-game losing streak. The Jets just lost for the sixth time in seven games. What’s wrong with them????

The Giants finally snapped their losing streak after beating the Atlanta Falcons 34-31 in overtime today. Still, this win was not pretty, as the defense blew a two-touchdown lead in the fourth quarter. “I am concerned,” Tom Coughlin said of his defense. Eli Manning threw a career-high 384 yards and three touchdowns. The defense isn’t the only concern: runningback Brandon Jacobs injured his right leg late in the third quarter and did not return. There is no update on his injury. The Giants also have a short week as they are facing the Denver Broncos on Thanksgiving.

The Jets lost to the rival New England Patriots 34-14 as Tom Brady was able to shred the defense for 310 yards passing. Wes Welker set career highs with 15 receptions for 192 yards. Mark Sanchez went 8-for-21 and was intercepted four times plus lost a fumble. The defense allowed a total of 414 yards. Each loss is more painful than the last one. Sanchez looks more like a rookie each week with his season total of interceptions now up to 16. The injuries to star players like Kris Jenkins and Leon Washington have hurt them the most: the defense is not as fearsome and the offense is not as dynamic. The only good thing about the team is the rush offense, as Thomas Jones had 103 yards on 21 carries. The Jets entered today’s game with the NFL’s most productive rushing attack. They face the Carolina Panthers next Sunday.

The Giants are now 6-4 while the Jets are 4-6. The Giants may be able to turn things around and move into playoff contention, but thte window is closing quickly for the Jets. Hopefully we can have at least one team to cheer for when the playoffs start.