I’ve just started reading Denialism by Michael Specter (haven’t gotten deeply enough into it to determine whether I agree with all the negative reviews–which I haven’t read deeply anyway so as to not bias myself). It’s the latest in a number of influences ranging from a scientific-rationalist-transhumanist partner, to reading things like Dawkins’ The Selfish Gene, balancing out a lot of the more woo-woo reading and interaction I do. I’m of the firm belief that my spirituality does not have to be antithetical to science; in fact, I see science as an augmentation of my understanding of my cosmology. Totemism, for example, stems in large part from a metaphorical extrapolation of human observations of animal behavior. And there are plenty of ridiculous and even unsafe behaviors that can come as a result of being chronically ungrounded and out of touch with consensus reality (regardless of how much you personally disagree with that reality, it’s still important to be keenly aware of its existence and the mutual effect you and it have on each other).

One of the things that I tell people curious about totemism is that one of the best ways to get to know totems is to study their natural history and biology, to get to know the physical animals attached to the totems. What I see all too often is a romanticization of animals, and a lack of understanding of actual animal behavior. For instance, there’s the oft-related myth that non-human animals never injure or kill another except in self-defense or for food. Yet this ignores a host of documented, and sometimes common, animal behaviors. Male lions taking over a new pride will kill the young of their predecessors so they can breed with the lionesses. Male dolphins rape females. Foxes and other canine/vulpine predators have been known to kill an entire flock of chickens (or, in the case of larger predators, sheep), much more than they can eat and cache.

And there are other projections of human ideals onto animals. Look at the lone wolf, for example. In American culture, rugged individualism is prized, and wolves are often seen as the symbol of the wild (independence). Thus the ideal of the “lone wolf”. Yet in actuality, a lone wolf is generally one who is marked for death if s/he can’t find a pack to join. S/he may be too old, or may have been driven from the family pack to avoid inbreeding. Hunting large ungulates, which are important food in cold months especially, is too dangerous to do alone–a single kick from an elk can snap a wolf’s jaw or leg, which is essentially a death sentence. Hence wolves having evolved to hunt in packs. Therefore, the lone wolf ideal is just that–an ideal, not reality.

Even concepts that were made in good science at the time can be changed. L. David Mech, for example, has publicly rescinded the alpha wolf concept he introduced way back when. That’s not a bad thing, as far as I’m concerned. Science is not a perfect system, but it is designed to minimize errors. You simply can’t have a 0% rate of errors when dealing with human perception and behavior.

And natural history and biology are ways for me to gain better understanding of the totems and animal spirits I work with, as well as the greater cosmology (way of understanding the universe) I work with. I’m admittedly fond of myth and metaphor as structures for understanding, but I keep them in addition to, not opposed to, literal, materialistic, scientific explanations. I know, for example, that my perception of Brown Bear being a totem of healing for me has a good deal to do with human interpretation of certain traits and behaviors of brown bears, and the mythos that has grown up around that. That doesn’t mean that physical brown bears will walk up to me and give me a healing herb if I end up sickened in a forest in Alaska. I’d rather know how to safely avoid conflict with large omnivorous animals that could do me some serious damage if I don’t respect them and their territories.

I am even more convinced that one of the best ways to get to know more about a totem is to study the behaviors and other traits of its physical counterparts, whether you have access to the animals themselves directly or only through media. Not only does it give one better knowledge about the animal, but it also helps to reduce unhealthy romanticization that can give incorrect information about the physical animals, which can then lead to inaccurate public perception which can affect the realities of things like species management and reintroduction efforts. Yes, we want people to know that grey wolves are not the vicious killers that European-based folklore paints them to be. But we do need to acknowledge the complaints of ranchers who actually have lost stock to wolves; if they feel heard and included in the debates, then perhaps they’ll be more amenable to finding solutions that benefit the wolves but don’t leave the ranchers completely out of the loop. (Hence not hyper-romanticizing wolves as never, ever preying on livestock, etc.)

I have a longer post on science and spirituality I want to write at some point, the gist of which is “Science is not a way of controlling the world; it is a way of understanding the world. You don’t make reality happen through science, and it’s not some force to be combated with magic or spirituality. It’s simply a systematic way of perceiving the world in great detail, and that does not have to be antithetical to spirituality”.

Get ready for an epic puzzle adventure with many places to visit, numerous puzzles to solve, mystical events to see and centuries-old secrets to unveil. Use your matching skills to solve puzzles based on innovative, never seen before game mechanics to break your way to the hidden totems. Collect all of the trophies, and discover the mysteries of the long-disappeared civilizations! And remember, you are not alone your wits and eight upgradeable power-ups will help you in your epic quest!

Unique innovative gameplay.

Upgradeable power-ups!

Collect trophies and totems.

System Requirements:

OS: Windows 2000/XP/Vista

CPU: 1.0 GHz

RAM: 128 MB

DirectX: 7.0

Hard Drive: 21 MB

It Takes Just A second To Say Thanks,

It Takes Longer To The Work On This.

Totem Quest

Ok.

So.

In a totally unrelated Priest or Shadow Priest Post — Totems.

Let’s talk about Totems for a moment.

They’re shiny. They dance around a bit (some). And they give you pretty buffs. They come in many flavors and varieties. Kind of like Popsicles. Shaman’s are the Ice Cream Man of WoW. And I have one at Level 24.

Introducing ~ (Drum Roll) Zintekka Zo’Rena! My Troll Shaman. =) She’s so purdy!

The Story:

Elaera made me play ugly Juantin’s Troll about a week or so back during Hallow’s End for Mr. Peter’s (aka Dreadblade) Hallowed Helm (which he never got ; ; sorry Pete) and well…I didn’t like the healing. Or…really the anything. I don’t actually remember doing anything to contribute to the fight. I more or less just ran in circles spamming the Totem Button.

Hehe. Totems.

Anyhow. Totems are fun. So I rolled my Shaman and now I’m leveling her! Woot!

It’s actually quite a bit of fun.

Though I have to admit — it’d be a lot more fun if she had a Shadow Form.

A quick post today and one of my last in the elemental guides series.  This time we’ll look at the options for our relic (“totem”) slot, the shaman equivalent of a wand/ranged weapon.

As our relics are all both class- and spec-specific, there’s not really a huge amount of choice for the slot.  Thankfully since patch 3.1, all our level 80 totems have been available from emblem vendors so the lack of choice is not really a problem.  Let’s take a look at what options we do have at level 80.

Emblems of Heroism

Totem of the Elemental Plane Equip: Your Lightning Bolt spell has a chance to grant 196 haste rating for 10 sec.

How to get it: It’s purchased with 15 Emblems of Heroism.

Analysis: At first glance this looks a lot like an updated version of our old level 70 favourite, the Skycall Totem.  But a bizarre design choice means that it’s actually lower DPS than any of the level 70 elemental DPS relics: it has a 45-second internal cooldown, just like on-proc trinkets.  Combined with only a 15% chance to proc it averages at slightly more than one proc per minute (PPM).  It’s abysmal.  Even in patch 3.0 it wasn’t worth the emblems; now it’s reduced to a freakish sidenote of elemental history.  Do not use this relic, period. (I secretly think it was put in the game as a practical joke to play on newbie level 80s.)

Emblems of Valor

Totem of Hex Equip: Increases spell power of Chain Lightning and Lightning Bolt by 165.

How to get it: As well as being purchasable for 25 Emblems of Valor, this can drop from Patchwerk in 25-man Naxxramas.

Analysis: It’s a solid level 80 version of the old Totem of Ancestral Guidance (apparently, the ancestors guided us to cast a lot of Lightning spells; that’s my kind of ancestor!).  The spellpower increase applies to both our Lightning spells and their overload procs, but for some weird reason it isn’t affected by the co-efficient increase from shamanism.  It does still provide a solid boost to our most common spells so what the hey.  If you’re real short on Emblems of Triumph and overflowing with Emblems of Conquest/Valor, you may as well get this until you can afford Electrifying Wind.

Emblems of Conquest

Thunderfall Totem Equip: Increases the base damage of your Lava Burst by 215.

How to get it: As well as being purchasable for 19 Emblems of Conquest, this can drop from XT-002 in 25-man Ulduar.

Analysis: You know how the Lava Burst tooltip says, “You hurl molten lava at the target, dealing 1192 to 1518 Fire damage”?  Well, this changes it to read “1407 to 1733″ damage.  It’s simply more clout on your Lava Burst, not spellpower or a coefficient bonus or a flat damage multiplier.  Unfortunately, we don’t cast Lava Burst often enough for this to be worthwhile compared to Totem of Hex or Totem of Electrifying Wind; ZAP! rates it as less than half as valuable as Hex.

Emblems of Triumph

Totem of Electrifying Wind Equip: Each time you cast Lightning Bolt, you have a chance to gain 200 haste rating for 12 sec.

How to get it: It can be bought for 25 Emblems of Triumph.

Analysis: So remember how we laughed when we all realised how horrible Totem of the Elemental Plane was, and how we wished it was more like the Skycall Totem?  Well, this one is basically a level 80 version of Skycall Totem: there’s no internal cooldown and the proc chance is 70%.  That means that in normal stand-’n-nuke circumstances, after the first proc it’ll have a 100% up-time.  200 haste all the time is pretty gnarly – it affects all our spells, it’s one of our best damage stats, and it procs off our most commonly cast spell.

Admittedly it’s not quite so awesome in fights where we don’t cast Lightning Bolt so much, but it only needs 50% uptime to be roughly equivalent to Totem of Hex (which is also reduced in value where Lightning Spells are used less) or 25% uptime to be better than Thunderfall Totem.  You really want to get this totem. 200 haste is such a massive upgrade compared to anything else available to us that it’s probably worth spending your first 25 Emblems of Triumph on.

As a side note, this evaluation concerns sustained raid DPS; for quick-dying Chain Lightning-fodder trash packs Totem of Hex is a clear winner if you want to whore damage meters.

Conclusion

Blizzard have made it pretty easy for us with Totem of Electrifying Wind - it’s an easily accessible totem that’s genuinely good for our DPS and is significantly better than any other options.  There’s no reason to use anything else unless you haven’t yet managed to accumulate 25 Emblems of Triumph.

As I read or listen to (or try to participate in) conversations about shamanism, I often find that people are using the same terms to mean different things. That results in confusion for all concerned.

If people notice the problem, they can agree on terms to use, but generally they do not even seem to notice.  The result can be either arguments or superficial conversations that go nowhere.

That is not totally their fault, since there are plenty of books on the market that misuse the terms and confuse readers as to what they actually mean. That’s bad, because it is difficult enough to discuss spiritual experiences in English anyway.

English has few spiritual terms, compared to other languages. It is hard enough to describe completely nonverbal experiences in words in such a way that others can get a sense of what you are describing. It is impossible if you literally do not have the words for it.

So spiritual terms are precious, and we need to use the same definitions so that they do not lose their usefulness, as many formerly useful words and phrases in English already have.

I have just posted a new Houston Shamanism Examiner column on totems, power animals, spirit animals, and animal guides.

http://www.examiner.com/examiner/x-16972-Houston-Shamanism-Examiner

I won’t recap the whole article here, but please stop by and read this new, fairly short article and leave a comment. Let me know what you think.

You wake up in the middle of the night with a great idea. You reach for your notepad and a . . . fountain pen? Nope,

Avatar pencil © Quinn McDonald, 2008, watercolor pencil, ink on paper

you’d have to unscrew the lid, and make sure it starts writing. Ball point? Not sure it will start without a test scribble either. Roller ball? They glob and smear. You’d reach for a pencil. Always ready to go, easy to use, erasable. If you are waking up to sketch, you can do that with a pencil, too. A finger rubbed across the surface will make a shadow or a shade, using just the tip give a crisp, clear line.

Pencils have been documented since  1565 when Conrad Gesner mentioned them in a story about the uprooting of a tree whose roots carried a black substance convenient for writing and art work. N. J. Conté, father of the Conté crayon, invented the first usable pencil in 1795 after Faber (now Faber-Castell) failed to make powdered graphite work. But 16,000 years ago, cave artists were drawing the famous horses in the Lascaux caves using charcoal and paint. Pencils last. You’d better update your floppy disks and CDs and memory sticks, or your information will vanish without a trace, but you don’t have to update a pencil. They’ve worked for at least 300 years, and they’ll work for the next 300.

Pencil as amulet, in gold and silver created by Matt Muralt

Because I’m both an artist and a writer, the pencil identifies my work and outlines my identity. The pencil stub, still useful, is a sign that work is getting done.

Over the years, the common, humble pencil has become my totem–the figure I use as a symbol of creativity as well as a way to connect to that creativity through a greater force. A pencil is a way to connect to other writers, artist, to the common bond we have that makes us create, that gives us no choice but to make something that wasn’t there before.

I wanted to honor that totem by wearing it. Holding it wasn’t enough. I wanted to elevate it, as humans have done since they could walk upright, by wearing it as a symbol around my neck. I took

Pencil on handmade journal

the idea to Matt Muralt, of Muralt Custom Jewelers in Mesa, AZ.  Showing him the drawing of the pencil (part of the pencil is my WordPress, Twitter and Facebook avatar) and asked him if he could make a pendent for me in gold. Matt’s enthusiasm for a project that hasn’t been done before is catching, and he asked if I wanted a regular pencil drilled or did I want a piece of jewelry. I wanted to elevate the pencil to amulet, so he discussed the use of three metals–silver for the ferrule that holds the pencil to the eraser, rose gold for the eraser, and yellow gold for the shaft of the pencil. The tip would be silver and oxidized to look like lead.

When Matt showed me the wax figure, he had made it the size of a real pencil. He wanted me to bite into it, to give it the chewed look of a real pencil. I considered it, but I’ve never chewed on pencils, so the amulet would remain without teeth imprints.

When I picked it up today, I was astonished. It looked like a real pencil with a slightly metallic sheen. Matt has a big creative gift that allows him to see what his customer sees but can’t draw. And there it is, my amulet pencil, reminding me of my work and the inspiration that raises an idea from humble origins to art.  (Yes, he’ll make you one, too: 480-969-4653)

–Quinn McDonald is a writer, artist and creativity coach.

Blizzard plant anscheinend für jede Rasse, die einen Schamanen in Ihrem Klassensortiment hat, eigene Totems einzuführen. Und nein…Zwerge bekommen keine Fässer als Totems. Die Draenei haben ja bereits ihre eigenen “tech-”Totems und so sollen wohl auch die von Trollen, Tauren, Orcs und Goblins individuell gestaltet werden.

Hier noch ein interessanter Artikel, der sich insbesondere mit den Zwergen Schamanen auseinandersetzt: Link

In all my nearly 51 years, I never used drugs and laughingly told people that my life has been so weird, hallucinogenic drugs would do nothing for me.  In a more serious vein, I’ve said that my grip on reality was so precarious that drugs might be the doorway to madness.  I was joking, but perhaps only slightly.  In my early teenage years, events came to pass that could no longer be explained.  And, they kept coming.  The beginnings were in October 1971 on a cool fall night when I dreamed a dream; the first of many dreams that I ultimately recorded and named the Great Dream Time.

I stood on a barren plain.  I was no longer a teenager but an adult with long braided hair and a beard, dressed simply as a warrior with a staff and shield.  I stared unblinkingly across the plain’s expanse toward a mountain range which loomed in the distance.  Lightning flashed about me in an eerie display that defied logic.  The bolts were black against a bright sky.  I didn’t fear them for they generated from my own being.  They were my totem—my symbol of power.  Suddenly, to my right appeared a green typewriter, suspended in mid-air.  I smiled, for this bizarre image heralded the coming of my friend and advisor, Greg Taylor.  He appeared and greeted me, addressing me in my spirit name as “Lawgiver”.   I called him “Kakoli”, a spirit name interpreted as “Ram”.  Following a brief clasp of our hands, he solemnly described a growing danger to a city in the clouds we called home and urged me to help him combat it.  I answered his call to battle and summoned another friend, Paul Larson to aid us.  A sharp bolt of lightning confirmed he heard our desperate cry for aid.  Moments later he appeared on the plain to stand with us.  He revealed a small metal disc he carried in a pouch which hung from his shoulder.  We formed a circle and chanted as the disc began to glow.  I felt we were spinning as we were transported to the city in the clouds.

The city stood shiny and new, gleaming in sunshine never obscured by clouds from above.  Despite its beauty and purity, it was beset by lightning that emanated upward from the clouds below in surrealistic fashion.  The bolts flashed in a purplish hue, and I recognized our opponent as the mystery figure that terrorized my people for months.  Our previous efforts were to no avail in halting the reign of fear this madman perpetrated upon our citizens.  I looked intently into the eyes of my friends and vowed this time we would win.

The cacophonous sounds of the typewriter matched the uneven rhythms of lightning and thunder that danced around us.  Greg Taylor used his powers to augment our own tenfold.  A figure shrouded in dark robes appeared and purple lightning bolts violently pierced the sky.  Paul Larson, whom Greg Taylor once referred to as “Berserker”, countered with lightning that cut through the air with equally intensity.  I had never seen such a display of raw power, but I did my best to match it.  The air was charged with energy that surged in waves through my body.  A lesser being would have been incinerated, but I endured.  With fierce determination, Paul Larson and I increased the force of our attack in hopes it was sufficient to destroy our enemy, but the mysterious being countered our every move.  He was at least our equal. 

Clouds formed above the city we protected as we struggled, and a fierce storm ensued.  I recognized the storm as the work of another friend and ally, the beautiful Ann Collins, using her might to aid our cause.  The turbulent clouds she created formed a dome of force which prevented our own energies from dispersing.  Our power was focused as never before.  The battle raged on until our opponent faltered.  The purple lightning slightly lessened in intensity.  The bolts suddenly swirled around him in a mad dance of blinding light, and he vanished. 

I gathered my friends about me to congratulate them for a victory well earned.  We didn’t destroy our enemy, but for the first time we stayed his hand and prevented him from realizing his evil purpose.  As we formed a circle, Paul Larson again held the disc he carried in the palm of his hand.  We watch it glow and pulse as though it were praising us for our efforts in protecting the city in the clouds.  I was pleased, but knew as well that our victory was not complete.  The enemy was still unknown to us and at large.  There would be other battles in our future.

Ann Collins again summoned a storm, and it carried her back to her sanctuary beyond the mountains on the surface below.  Paul Lehr used the storm to focus his own abilities, and lightning flashed about him as he vanished from view.  I stood with Greg Taylor, who placed his hand upon my shoulder in a gesture of camaraderie.  I smiled.  A large green typewriter suddenly appeared again in the air above him, and he too, vanished.  All that remained was a soft warm breeze that softly caressed my face, a final testament to the power unleashed only moments earlier.

I was alone.

This was the first of many similar dreams I had in the fall of 1971.  The cast of characters expanded over time, but the theme remained the same:  my friends and I were locked in a struggle with a mysterious entity of great power.  We were symbolically represented by elemental forces that signified our character and abilities.  Only Greg Taylor was represented by a different type of symbol in the green typewriter.  The dreams lasted longer and became more specific:  clothing and appearance became standardized, elemental totems were soon catalogued, and the number of enemies grew in proportion to the total cast of characters.  Conversation was minimal, and all movement and actions were bold and dramatic.  They always began with me standing alone on a vast barren plain, and ended with the departure of my friends.  Loneliness despite deep and loyal friendships was an enduring premise of these dreams.

Other themes were equally recognizable.  My friends and I wielded great power and used it to protect an idyllic utopian community.  Forces opposed our efforts as saviors of this group of people and sought relentlessly to destroy our sanctuary.  The task always fell upon my group of friends to act as savior to our people.

After the New Year in 1972, the dreams vanished, never to return again in this form or context.  What did they mean?  Were they more than dreams?  Were they perhaps an omen of strange times to come?  Why did this series of dreams seemingly comprise an ongoing narrative, structurally and thematically consistent unto itself?

What was my life about to become? 

Aside from my emotional personal work with Elk, I’ve been exploring new territory with Brown Bear. As I’ve been returning to the more ritualized portion of my shamanic practice, Bear has been right there with me, telling me what s/he needs of me and how to do it. Part of this, of course, is for hir benefit; however, it’s also been great training for putting together the more formalized ritual practices I’ve been developing piecemeal for a while now. Much of this is stuff that I’m simply not able to talk about just yet–not out of any sense of “Woooo, I have mysteries that you can’t comprehend!”, but in the sense that it’s not yet ready for me to share, and the spirits would be unhappy if I brought it out prematurely.

Thinking back, I’ve realized that Bear has been the first one to step forward when I’ve wanted to try something new along (neo)shamanic lines. When I first started exploring totemism beyond Wolf, Bear guided me through some of my first rituals. And now s/he’s here again as my practice begins to branch out past my own personal needs, and I prepare to start shamanizing for others.

I was talking to Bear during a journey last week, and I told hir of my concerns as to whether I was “doing enough”. I talked about a friend of mine who is a much more experienced practitioner who’s been doing some serious work as of late. I look at what I do, and I feel like I’m such a novice. Even though I’ve been a pagan and magical practitioner since the mid-1990s, with shamanism I feel as though I’m just beginning to reach a new depth of experience that I really haven’t gone through before. This path has challenged me more than any other, though I think it took me until two years ago to really be ready for it. (Wow, has it been two years already?)

Bear told me that I’m giving myself more expectations and therefore more pressure than I need to. Even within a specific community, different shamans not only have different strengths and specialties, but also different commitment levels. If I end up not being as intense a practitioner on some levels as some other shamans in this culture, it doesn’t necessarily mean that I’m not trying hard enough. There’s a tendency toward competition and one-upsmanship in American culture, and in many magical traditions it manifests as “Who can be the most non-fluffy?” Shamans may compare tough journeys and sacrifices as though the more you suffer, the better you do objectively speaking.

Yet Bear simply told me that we’ll see what I’m realistically capable of. I can’t just drop everything else in my life to try to eke out a living hanging up a shaman shingle. Granted, grad school and my future profession are linked to the shamanism, but I also have a life outside of that–significant others, friends and family, video games, Western martial arts, etc. Shamanism proper may never be an all-consuming things, and my “official” profession as a therapist may always eclipse the ritual work to some extent. But then again, it may not. Bear has a very wait-and-see attitude, and the long view of the fact that I’m only thirty, ideally I have a few more decades to live, and plenty can happen in that time.

So once again I’m grateful to Brown Bear for hir perspective and reminding me that this isn’t a competition; there are enough people (and other beings) in need that I don’t need to prove I’m more 1337 than the next shaman to be able to help.

Finally I got my hands on a copy of Geist: the Sin-Eaters, and I have to say I am more than surprised by the awesome atmosphere of the game. Now, at first the idea of playing someone who returned from the brink of death by bargaining with an undead spirit didn’t speak to me. But as I read through the book, all the pieces came together and formed a most beautiful, yet morbid image in my head.

What enchanted me the most was the whole system behind sanctifying Krewes. To me, it feels like the Paradigms from the old Mage: the Ascension, mixed with a bit of Pack Totems from both Werewolf games. Also, Geist delivers an awesome description of the Underworld, one of the parallel dimensions that was short on accurate information. The upcoming Book of the Dead is all about that, so if you just want input about the Great Below, but don’t intend to play a Sin-Eater, you might want to wait for that product.

All in all, I can’t wait to run a game of Geist. Maybe I should start out with the introductory story? We’ll see. Of course, I’ll keep you up-to-date on Exceptional Success!

Can you find the frog?

1. Frog Totem - Can you find the frog in the plant? This frog has been visiting me for the past several days. Showing up in the rarest of places – on the patio table, and in my favorite potted plants.  After the fourth time meeting him, I figured it was a sign. If a certain animal keeps following you, it might have a message for you.  It might be your animal totem (click here to find your animal in alphabetical order).  The meaning behind the frog totem resonates with me at this time of my life, especially what it has to say about its senses, language, and creativity. What animals have met you along your life’s journey?

PS. He’s in the top right corner.

2. Culture Shock - Who knew culture shock could hit after almost five years? Well it happened to me. Culture shock is usually defined as something that happens within the first year of living in a new culture.  It’s described by these linear stages: Honeymoon, Withdrawal, Adjustement, and Adaptation. For me the experience dosen’t seem so linear. I also realized how sneaky and subtle it is. I feel like I hung out a long time in the honeymoon and adjustement stages, but after four years and nine months into my Korean experience, I started to notice strong feelings of withdrawal.

Finding "myself"?

Check out selfgrowth.com for an uplifting and informative article on culture shock. My favorite quote there is:  “It’s helpful to first acknowledge your feeling and then become pro-active.” Pro-active is the way to go any day.

I dedicate this piece of my blog to Natalie R. who encouraged me to add it.

3. Happy Birthday to Moi! – This is the spooky spot-on horoscope which predicted the shift.

Virgo Aug 23 | Sep 22 No more rotten dessert, Virgo. No more silky danger or juicy poison. No more worthless treasures or empty successes or idiotic brilliance. Soon all those crazy-making experiences will be gone, blasted, dead. By this time next week, the bad influences that were trying to pass themselves off as good influences will have fallen away in response to your courageous drive for authenticity. You will be primed to restore your innocence and play in places where purity is the rule, not the exception. Already, the wisdom of your wild heart is regenerating, giving you the strength to overthrow the sour, life-hating influences that were threatening to smother your spirit.

Find your silver-tongued horoscope at freewillastrology.com.

I dedicate this piece to Rebecca who introduced me to this uncanny website.

Thanks for reading! Until next time, peace out!

I just spent the past four days in the woods out at Beacon Rock State Park for a wilderness therapy intensive for grad school. It was incredibly rejuvenating in some ways, and very challenging in others. However, I have a much clearer view of what wilderness therapy is, why it isn’t just “wilderness boot camps” like the media portrays (even though many of the teenage participants are there under duress, mainly because it’s a last resort to keep them out of jail/alive–which is a tough controversy we discussed), and how I as a therapist-to-be can incorporate elements of it into my practice as well as help clients figure out whether it may be a viable option for them or their children.

Where a boot camp mentality deals with strictly regimenting teenagers to challenge them through tough hierarchies, rigid scheduling, and pressure to conform to authority, what we learned about are ways to use the challenges that naturally come up during long-term hiking and camping as parallels to challenges the kids face in everyday life. It’s a matter of waiting until the individual participant hits a point where they need support, offering that support, and helping them to learn a better solution of how to deal with challenging situations than what they’ve been doing. They also learn the value of working with others, not through being ordered to do so, but because cooperation helps everyone involved.

We actually incorporated a few of the more common teambuilding techniques in our intensive experience. One of the most important ones for me was meal preparation. We were divided up into three teams of four (twelve students) and each team cooked one of the three meals each day. In order to get it done efficiently and with the limited gear we had, we had to work together–not as one leader telling the rest what to do, but as a quartet working together, adopting or delegating tasks as needed to get things done. There was no competition between the groups (well, other than a round of rock, paper, scissors to determine who did what meal), just shared appreciation for the work that went into the meals. There were other exercises, but this seemingly simple daily ritual really helped to demonstrate to me the difference between being ordered to do something, and doing it for mutual shared benefit and the pleasure that comes from it.

Anyway, there was a lot more to the formal educational portion of the experience, but I wanted to explore a few things that happened that are relevant to the spiritual aspects of what happened. This is one of two posts that will cover that.

This one deals with a drawing that I did as a bit of art therapy in one of our exercises. We were asked to draw the various influences–media, cultural, spiritual, experiential, etc.–that contributed to our understanding of the word “wilderness”. I ended up drawing an open book near the bottom of the page. Above it there were pictures of lots of wild animals, wolves, elk, foxes, etc., and lots of trees and ferns. Below the book, in a very small space, were the small animals I had encountered a lot in my childhood and beyond–songbirds, snakes, rodents, etc.

What this spoke to was my actual experiences with wilderness, which aren’t very many. I grew up in a family that didn’t hike or camp. And since I didn’t have much in the way of friends growing up, I didn’t really have anyone to take me out to the woods with their families. As for Girl Scouts? Forget it. My troop leaders’ idea of “camping” was having us all sleep in sleeping bags on the floor of an old commercial bakery, where the only wildlife was the cockroaches. So this led to a life completely devoid of camping until my twenties. Seriously.

Living in the Pacific Northwest has made me really self-conscious of this fact. A lot of people here are avid hikers and campers, and not just the kind that park a camper somewhere and walk down the paved road in the middle of the campground. We’re talking through-hikers on the Pacific Crest Trail, and those who can take a single backpack into the woods and stay for a few days, no problem. I really envy them, though people have been really awesome about helping me get up to speed.

Anyway, one thing that I realized as I was making this drawing was that I got my early conception of the wilderness primarily from books. As a child, I must have read Jack London’s White Fang and The Call of the Wild countless times. London, of course, described the Arctic regions in very stark, manly-man, eat or be eaten terms. So that informed a lot of my understanding of wilderness growing up–which just made me even more attracted to it, especially since I mainly had yards and open lots as my substitute for wilderness (and which I still found endlessly fascinating).

And as I got older, and I continued to have really limited access to anything but generic suburbs, I found more and more that I formulated my understanding through books. In a lot of ways being a nerdy little bookworm helped me out a lot. However, I often substituted the map for the territory to the point that I often didn’t realize the difference. I ended up with a lot of abstracts based on not a lot of actual experience.

In some ways I wonder how much my spirituality is based more on the abstracts I’ve constructed. As I’ve finally been able to start fleshing out my experiences, it’s been sobering to see just how much I haven’t been in contact with the natural world. My increased exposure has changed my spirituality quite a bit. I’m finding more ways to ground my beliefs in my experiences, a good example of this is more work with local totems like Scrub Jay. And admittedly I’m pretty embarrassed about the fact that I’ve never seen my primary totem, Gray Wolf, in the wild, even if it’s mainly because I haven’t been in places where I’ve had that opportunity open to me.

I don’t think it’s a matter, though, of scrapping everything I’ve created. Even the abstract bits have helped give me a personal mythological structure to work with. Like my current Elk work. I haven’t met an elk in the wild, either, other than the two that nearly ran me over in a field back in June. But it’s helped immensely, as my next post (when I’ve time to write about it) will explain.

But I do think that I’m going to be spending more time grounding my spirituality in the Nature that it’s supposed to be based in. Neopaganism is full of abstractions, which just helped me to further distance myself from the source of my spirituality. (When you have people who worship deities of natural phenomena who claim they aren’t practicing a Nature-based religion, that should say something to someone, somewhere.) I think, perhaps, that therioshamanism has been in part a way for me to get that groundedness, even if I didn’t consciously realize it until recently. I’ve always enjoyed the outdoors, and I’ve observed principles of my spirituality at work in it (and vice versa) but I think now I’m trying to make the distinction between the spiritual and the physical less…well…distinct.

More tomorrow.

© B. Perkins

I’ve heard from many visitors coming through the Vancouver airport that it is one of the nicest they’ve ever been to and I have to say I agree. I remember what it used to look like and trust me it has come a LONG way. The first to impress was the International terminal but the face lift on the Domestic didn’t go unnoticed either. I love the way it incorporates a lot of the natural beauty of BC with some amazing Aboriginal art. These totems are tucked away in a seating area just outside of the International arrivals area. I guess it is kind of a “smoke pit” as that is one of the designated smoking areas. Pretty fancy smoke pit to say the least.

First off, before I get into the main topic of this post, I just wanted to give a brief squee of joy: I am not the only person to actively connect animism with bioregionalism! I got an appropriate comment on Bioregionalism and the Genius Locii with the above link, and having looked over the blog, I found it full of lots of good brain-foods (as well as some good ideas for further getting to know the bioregion I’ve chosen as my long-term home). Highly recommended.

So. Scavengers. A friend of mine over on Livejournal had remarked a few days ago that despite the importance vultures have had in various paleopagan religions and cultures, most notably Egyptian, neopagans really have a tendency to either ignore scavengers, or romanticize them as not-scavengers (think ravens as spirit guides–more on that in a bit). That really says a lot about the cultures that formed neopaganism; my experience is primarily with American neopaganism, so I’ll speak mainly to that.

In this culture, everything’s hygienic. Houses. Hospitals. Food production. Even the body-fluid-messy acts of sex and sexuality are presented as “glowing”. Because we are so far removed from our own bodily effluvia and that of other animals, we have the luxury of conveniently forgetting they’re there. So scavengers, animals that eat already-dead stuff that smells to high heaven, aren’t exactly the sexiest critters in the neopagan-totemic world. Well, okay–Raven’s pretty popular. But Raven’s also presented as intelligent, and with glossy black feathers, and associated with cool deities like the Morrigan. However, nobody wants to talk about the fact that ravens eat dead stuff–except for a few people who joke about ravens eating eyeballs. OTOH, ravens eating putrid, half-decayed intestines? Not so awesome. (Mmmm. I could go for some sausages right about now…)

(And let’s not get into glossy black feathers full of mites. Insects = NOT COOL according to a lot of modern totemists. Especially if they aren’t dragonflies or butterflies or other pretty bugs. And beyond that–tapeworms. Totemic tapeworms. Really.)

Ahem. I digress. But you get my point.

So yes. Nobody wants to play with the scavengers in the stinky dead stuff. Only a particular sense of humor would find this comic funny. (I laugh every time I read it–and the rest of the artist’s stuff is pretty good, if mostly more sanitary. /excuse for another parenthetical statement) Not surprising when you consider most people who eat meat have never killed or seen killed the animal they’re about to eat (except maybe crabs and lobsters, but those aren’t cute and furry and don’t count). And most of us here in the U.S. will never have to deal with what your average emergency room employee deals with, or clean up dead bodies–or, hell, see those bodies as anything other than the makeup-bedecked corpses in shiny coffins at funerals.

Lots of people don’t like human scavengers, either–again because we’re so removed from the processes involved with our basic needs. There’s a certain sense of entitlement on the part of some people in this culture. It’s the idea that because we can have access to food all the time, as well as medical care and utilities and other such things, that we’re not only allowed but encouraged to take them for granted. I see this every single time I see people leave a restaurant without taking substantial amounts of perfectly good leftovers home with them, instead leaving them to be thrown away (or, if you’re in Portland, at least they’ve a good chance of being composted). I saw it the time I was walking down a sidewalk behind a guy who was sorting out all the pennies in his pocket change and simply dropping them on the ground. I see it when people throw out perfectly good furniture and household items on trash day, instead of Freecycling it or having a local nonprofit thrift store come pick it up. Waste is a way of life here, because we think that we can get away with it.

So the dumpster divers and other people who take pains to salvage what others discard are seen as “strange” or “desperate”. I know of people who think that never buying anything used is a sign of success, and anyone who does otherwise is beneath them. Look at the trend of where our household appliances are going. Don’t worry about getting things repaired–just get a new one from the store! Anything else is seen as taking up too much time, and who’d be crazy enough to get a toaster repaired when Wal-Mart has a sale on them for ten bucks?

The thing is though…we do this because we do take what we have for granted. We assume that we’re always going to have access to food, water, shelter, safety, utilities, and other such things. We figure that the only way we can’t get a television at Best Buy is because they just had a huge clearance and everyone else beat us to it until they get the next shipment in–and even then, it was only on the one really fantastic new model that just came out. They still have televisions, but who wants those? Yet let there be one tiny hint of a shortage, and people panic. Remember what happened last year when it was reported that there was a shortage on rice? The stores couldn’t keep it in stock, partly because shoppers panicked and snapped up as much as they could. But we don’t actually have to worry about that happening for real, right?

Yet the scavengers say otherwise. They remind us of the uncomfortable truth that security is an illusion. They’re not afraid of that, though. They’re realistic. They make the most of the resources that are available. Most Americans are unfamiliar with just how precarious our situation is. Our economy is based on resources whose prices are artificially lowered thanks to government subsidies. Those resources drive our utilities that we take for granted, the things we assume will always be there that allow us to have the sort of lifestyle we have.

“How quickly you forget your history”, the scavengers say. I’ve heard people refer to the current recession as being as bad if not worse than the Great Depression. I don’t buy it. Yes, it sucks right now; I won’t deny that. But have you ever heard of a Hoover Hog? It’s a rabbit, a common, ordinary rabbit. During the Depression, numerous people, particularly in the southwest, ate rabbits because there was nothing else available. At least now we have the cheap hot dogs and burritos at the convenience store to fall back on. And if all else fails, there’s always ramen, staple food of poor college students everywhere!

And only a couple of generations ago, during WWII, we had rationing and Victory Gardens. Do you know how people would respond today if they had to ration? We’re still fighting multiple wars, and yet life goes on for most people because we don’t have any immediate reminders of the fact that there are hardships. There are still soldiers (and civilians) dying where these wars are happening–over 4,330 military personnel just in Iraq since the war began. And yet I guarantee that if rationing were imposed, you’d have more people out on the
street protesting that than were out with me and mine when the war first started. Priorities, what?

Scavengers are that reminder that we’re all gonna die. They’re the reminder that no matter how pretty a picture you paint of your life, nothing’s permanent. And it could all fall to pieces before you’re done with it. But, again, the scavengers aren’t afraid. They know what to do. They’re realistic, and prepared. And that’s their message that we so often ignore with our rose-colored glasses.

And the old pagans knew this, too. They didn’t have that luxury of being so removed from death and other unpleasantness. That’s why they didn’t just romanticize their view of nature to the point where it wasn’t real to them any more. We, on the other hand, have so removed ourselves from the reality of the way things are that we would prefer an imaginary stagnancy to the vibrant (and yes, sometimes subjectively unpleasant) variety and vigor of vida, vita, la vie!

Does this mean we should all walk around in sackcloth and ashes and bemoan our fates? Of course not. But what it does mean is (I can’t believe I’m about to use this cliched phrase) a shift in consciousness. We. Are. Privileged. The very fact that we can take basic things for granted that many, many people in other cultures–and yes, in America, too–have to scrabble for on a daily basis means that we have a metric fuckton of privilege. We shouldn’t let that be a reason to berate ourselves or, conversely, artificially inflate our importance. What we need to be doing is actively appreciating the technological and social advances that have made everything from indoor plumbing to antibiotics possible. It’s not just the basic actions we take–it’s the awareness guiding those actions that we need to start with. Many of the problems the human world faces today are due to taking things for granted and acting on some really shaky assumptions, as well as a big honking helping of deeeeeee-nial!

And we need to quit hating on the scavengers, human and otherwise. We need to stop glossing over the fact that yeah, Raven might be a trickster to some people, and a totem of a war goddess to others, and somehow a nocturnal (?) graveyard denizen to yet another, ah, demographic–but that Raven is also the totem over a species of birds that eat stinky dead corpses full of pus and other fluids, and that’s every bit as important as the mythos, if not moreso. Because whether we like it or not, they have important things to teach those of us who have our hands slapped firmly over our ears while we sing “La, la, la, la, I CAN’T HEAR YOUUUUU!!!!”

And if we can’t handle the very basic knowledge that death happens, decay happens, change happens, then how the hell are we going to be able to get anything out of the more esoteric lessons that the facilitators of those changes have to offer us in being more realistic and prepared for the things life may throw at us that we may not like, but need to deal with effectively anyway?

(Oh, and for the record, all you people with cool, impressive carnivorous totems like Wolf and Lion? Guess what? Your totems’ physical children eat carrion, too. Why go through the trouble and potential danger of injury of wandering across the land looking for animals to eat that may very well fight back, when hey–there’s a dead critter right there, ripe for the munching? It’s not just the scavengers who are practical, ya know. That’s why I don’t question whether I misidentified Wolf as my primary totem just because I love scavenging of numerous sorts–wolves aren’t going to turn their nose up at easy resources, no matter the origin.)

Today I did my first journey for a purpose other than exploration. I’ve been doing a lot of internal work lately, trying to work through the unhealthy conditioning and behavior patterns associated with depression and especially anxiety. They’re not a constant active influence in my life, but they do have a tendency to pop up with the right amount of stress in my life. I don’t like them, they don’t like me, and since I had an open invitation from Elk for help with emotional regulation, I decided to take hir up on it.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about trying to develop a more formal ritual structure, but not based on the generic Wicca-flavored neopagan ritual structure I used to use. One of the challenges of essentially creating a practice from scratch is that there’s no authority telling me “Well, you need to do things this way or that”. I’m the one who decides, for the most part. The spirits will occasionally have a suggestion, but as far as they’re concerned, most of this is for my benefit and (eventually) the benefit of anyone I do this sort of work for. I have a desire for formality, though, so it’s up to me to create something appropriate that works.

Before my break over the past few months, when I journeyed I basically asked the drum and beater if they’d work with me, and then we’d drum together and I’d head off to where I needed to be. As I’m coming back, though, I’m finding myself being more deliberate about things. I still ask the drum and beater–and the horse, deer, and elk spirits in them–for permission. But then I warm the drum up with my hand, and then the beater; this is inspired by Ravenari’s method of doing so, and the spirits of the drum and beater really seem to appreciate it. It also helps me to ease out of my everyday headspace with all the concerns and stresses and distractions, and into the focus I need for any sort of ritual work.

I also asked the horse spirit in the drum to carry me to my starting point, instead of taking myself as I normally do. She agreed, and it made the trip a lot smoother, again partly because it helped with transitioning from one headspace to the next. I’m a little rusty, particularly in maintaining the visual aspect of journeying (I’ve always had trouble with consistent, unbroken visuals), but I had a good connection, and even when I let my “sight” relax, I was still definitely over in the spirit world.

So the drum-horse got me to the starting point, and I got onto the ground and turned into a wolf. I then worked to pick up the scent of Elk, and went to find hir. I found hir down in a valley not too far away; s/he’s been expecting me. I went to hir asked formally asked for hir help, turning back to a human being. I then held out a small elk antler tine I had brought with me as a symbol of what we were creating. Elk flinched a bit, and said “That smells like Death. Here, let’s go put it in that stream over there to cleanse it”. So we ran over there, and I placed it in the water, feeling the cool stream over my hand as I looked at the antler against the stones.

Then Elk turned into a human with an elk’s head, and so I turned into a human with a wolf’s head to match. We sat facing each other and spoke about the work we wanted to do together with helping me with emotional regulation. Elk brought up how soon the bull elk would be going into rut, and would be a lot more easily provoked, both by each other and other beings. Like the elk, I can be aggressive when I want something and can’t immediately get it or perceive something in my way. However, Elk pointed out that the bull elk don’t use any more force than necessary, even in rut, because injury is a serious thing when you’re a wild critter. Most confrontations between bull elk only end in one running away, and fights often don’t result in serious injury. (It’s still a lot of work for the bull who has a harem, who may barely eat during rutting season!)

Elk put antlers on my head and said the tine I brought was appropriate because while I can wield my own tines and harm others with them, I can also be injured by someone else’s antlers. Therefore it’s important that I’m doing this regulation work to avoid not only exhausting myself with unnecessary effort, but also injuring others or bringing injury to myself that wasn’t really needed.

Additionally, Elk talked about how there is a season to all things. There are times to be aggressive to get what I want, but that’s not all the time. I need to learn which time is which. With regards to depression and anxiety, these conditions are attempts to gain control–which is an illusion. I can’t control the world around me beyond a very limited scope, and the anxiety and depression are my way of trying to grasp at control in a situation where I feel like things are getting out of control. These are obviously maladaptive, and the better choice is to learn to adapt and roll with the punches that life throws–because nothing is ever going to be perfectly safe and secure, and that’’s alright. So instead of facing the world with antlers lowered and ready, I need to learn to relax and only react when it’s actually warranted, and only to the degree that it needs to happen.

Then Elk had me retrieve the tine from the stream so I could take it back home with me, as a physical reminder of my commitment to healing myself with Elk’s help. I then offered Elk a set of three brass bells that I had brought with me as a gift for helping me. Elk laughed and said that s/he would have done this for me anyway, but that s/he appreciated the gift. S/he told me I could go; I stood, and waited to watch hir leave, but s/he just stood there waiting for me to go! Finally, s/he snorted and stomped, and I took off, with hir laughing in amusement as I did so.

I scrambled back up out of the valley to where the horse spirit was waiting. I climbed onto hir back, and s/he took me home. Soon as I came out of the journey and brought the drum back down again, I treated the drumskin to some mink oil; she’d been feeling dry and thirsty, and I’d promised her some treatment. Next, I drilled a hole in the elk tine, and put a piece of deerskin that Deer had donated to the cause. Here’s a pic:

As to the bells? Well, a while back, I believe it was Erynn who had suggested that I add bells to an elk antler that I didn’t know what to do with. So as my gift to Elk, I attached the bells to the ends of three of the tines and wrapped the rest of the antler in braided artificial sinew and waxed linen cord. The bells will later on be used in rituals as a way to help keep me oriented to where my body is so I can find my way back home. Here’s how it turned out:

So it was a successful journey overall, and I feel more confident in satisfying my need for structure. It’s all coming together, piece by piece.

I’ve recently started working with Elk for help with emotional regulation. I’m working through some of the most deep-seated issues I have, and needless to say it’s been a real roller coaster–only not as much fun for me and those around me. Now, just out of curiosity, I did check a few totem animal dictionaries out of curiosity to see what Elk had taught other people, because s/he wasn’t who I would have expected to help me with this particular effort. I didn’t find anything specifically on healing psychological aches and pains, though I did find some emphasis on community involvement and intense emotions. This isn’t surprising, given the herd formation (particularly of females) and the aggression of bull elk during rutting season.

But then I found that I was really trying to come up with a label for Elk. Was Elk my emotional totem? My heart totem? My psychological health totem? My working through depression and anxiety totem? And I realized just how limiting a mindset that really is. Having been neopagan for over a decade, I can look at countless examples of books and other sources that treat not only totems but also deities and other beings as pigeonholed, categorized, and neatly shuffled into place, like so many correspondences. I even have heard plenty of pagans talking about which deity or totem or spirit to “use” for what purpose. Yes, different beings have their bailiwicks, but there’s almost no talk of the individuality and personal evolution of the spirits.

I decided I had to stop myself from doing was trying to put Elk into a category. I have the habit of thinking of Brown Bear as my healing totem, Whitetail Deer as my dream totem, and so forth, because those are the main ways they’ve interacted with me thus far. But I also know they’re not limited to these things, especially as I begin journeying again, and as my shamanic practice has deepened my relationships with them.

And that’s really one of my biggest complaints about the dictionaries–they unnecessarily limit our perception of what different totems can do, to the point where it almost becomes plug-and-play totemism. It’s a bad habit I need to get out of, myself. Totems are individuals; yes, they’re archetypal in nature, but archetypes continue to be shaped by the changes in what feeds and becomes them. For instance, our relationship as humans to elk as animals, as well as symbols, has changed over time, and from culture to culture. It doesn’t mean that older observations and relationships go away; they simply are joined by newer ones. And that all goes into the continuing evolution of Elk as totem. It’s that way for everything and everyone–we shape the world and the world shapes us, even if that shaping varies depending on the nature of the individual beings involved. Totems aren’t physical human beings or even physical animals, and to treat them as such is inaccurate.

At the same time, totems and other archetypal beings aren’t labels. Yes, it can be useful to have some shorthand ideas for casual discourse among totemists and others. But as I’ve maintained for years, what a particular totem tells me may not be what that totem tells someone else, and it’s ridiculous to expect that everyone will get the same message. Part of why I avoid going to dictionaries when I get a new totem or other animal spirit in my life is because I want to get to know them on our own terms, not bias myself by seeing what others had to say. Yes, I went and checked up on Elk in a couple of dictionaries, but that was after we’d already established some form of relationship, and I went in with curiosity, not seeking answers.

So I’m going to continue de-conditioning that tendency to say “Bear is the healer, Deer is the dreamkeeper” because it’s too limiting, both for them and for others–as well as myself. It’s a really bad habit, and I suggest my readers who work with totems in a neopagan/neoshamanic sense take a look at similar patterns in your own views of the totems and other spirits you work with.

Dog Totem

Creature Totem

Anorak (The Happy Mag for Kids)

Here I am on the totem pole!*

I submitted 2 totem scribbles to Anorak The Happy Mag For Kids, in hopes that one (or both!) will be chosen to be in a double page spread in their upcoming Autumn issue.

*Please view the entire totem pole for the full effect! (It’s quite a sight!)

Late one afternoon, I drove a friend and myself to a favorite park by the Delaware River to hang out and enjoy the sunset. We brought our cameras along and took shots of the surrounding area not expecting to have a visitor. Mr. Hawk arrived just as we were getting ready to leave. He landed on a fence and allowed us to get within ten yards of him, which gave us an unlooked for opportunity to get some close up shots of this dapper fellow. With silent grins on our faces we zoomed our lenses and clicked madly away!

Hawk is a Messenger and to see one means that a message is coming your way. Being ‘hawk eyed’ means to be aware of what’s going on around you. That is the true essence of Hawk. It’s important to notice the signs, symbols and synchronicities that are appearing in your life for they are trying to tell you something. The message can come in the form of a dream, person, T.V., book, thought or feeling. When Hawk shows up its time to pay attention.

This magnificent bird has shown up in my life on many occasions. Some messages were easy to figure out while others took a bit of work. I keep a journal so that when I do see a Hawk or any animal for that matter, I have a reference to go back to. It’s important to note what’s happening in your life when it arrives. Perhaps you have a pressing question or need that you’ve been carrying around for some time. When Hawk suddenly appears, you can be pretty darn certain that an answer to your question is soon to follow.

Here’s a classic example of a Hawk encounter that I experienced. I was driving to see a friend for lunch at her home. On the way there a Hawk dove past the front of my car a few feet from the windshield. I knew instantly that the meeting with my friend would turn out be an important one, so I had my radar up pronto. She mentioned during the conversation that she belonged to a writing group after I had told her I was in the beginning stages of writing a book. Afterwards, I realized the writing group was the message that Hawk wanted me to hear. I subsequently joined the group and it turned out to be one of the best decisions that I made during that period of my life.

So what was the message of Hawk that day in the park? Just prior to seeing the Hawk my friend and I were discussing our difficulties in relationships with the opposite sex. I mentioned that we have to get our manifesting skills in gear so that we can attract the right mates for ourselves. And lo and behold, Hawk flew right overhead and landed on the fence. So what do you think the messenger was trying to tell us this time?

Photos by Jeanne Claypoole

Bizarrely one of my posts that gets regular traffic but rarely any comments is one entitled Spider as Totem. This comes via various search engines and I can only hope that those who read it find it useful in some way.

I’ve begun dreaming about spiders lately. To sum up what having spider as totem means: weaving, and the weaving especially of words. Grandmother Spider is the creatrix of the world in some Native American creation stories and is also credited with the invention of the first alphabet. I often see spiders in the shadowy penumbra of sleep, but until a few nights ago I’d not dreamed about them.

In this dream I saw an immense spider, a tarantula of some sort or even the famous bird eating spider emerge from under a gate and begin to scuttle around. Now, as my brother for many years kept tarantulas, I’m not scared of them as such because I know how fragile they actually are, so in the dream I sought to capture the beast with a glass. The spider was so strong that even with a large glass tumbler over it, it kept on moving taking the glass with it like a kind of protective shell and after a short while I lost sight of it completely. Then I caught a glimpse of it around my legs somewhere and became inexplicably afraid. I wanted to scream and panic but I didn’t. In the dream I told myself the spider was more afraid of me and I relaxed and waited for it to begin to climb up me. I woke then, feeling disturbed but not actually afraid.

Now for me, the Spider is a powerful ally and one I’ve been struggling with for the last few years as though my writing is vital to my well being, I’ve been reluctant to really get stuck into projects due to all sorts of good reasons, not least of which is finding a real outlet(ie publishing). I’m reluctant to give birth to more of my special children if the world doesn’t want them.

I don’t know precisely what the dream is telling me but if one thing I can read into this, the spider I saw was bigger than any I’ve ever seen, either belonging to my brother or anywhere else, and that tells me the real importance of honouring this totem.

Just how I do this is unclear right now.