150 dagar har gått sedan jag fick den första testosteronsprutan. Åtta månader efter att diagnosen Transsexualism ställts och efter totalt fjorton månader i utredning fick jag äntligen börja behandlingen.

Å ena sidan känns det som om det var igår jag med fumliga händer plockade fram asken med den lilla glasampullen i ur väskan för att överlämna den åt distriktssköterskan. Jag minns hur klumpig och obekväm och spänd jag var när jag blygt drog ner shortsen litegrann och la mig på britsen, men samtidigt hur lycklig och förväntansfull jag kände mig.

Å andra sidan känns det som om det var hundra år sedan. Som jag skrev redan igår har jag fått en hel del tydliga kroppsliga förändringar, men de psykiska effekterna är svårare att sätta ord på.

Jag mår bättre, den saken är säker. För tre år sedan hade jag ägnat halva mitt liv åt gerillakrigföring mot min egen kropp, så jag bestämde att det fick vara nog, och inledde fredsförhandlingar. Idag tror jag att jag har kommit till någon slags vapenvila, och kanske tillochmed att jag är på väg mot fred – och det skulle aldrig ha fungerat utan testosteronet.

All den energi som jag lagt på att sätta krokben för mig själv kan jag helt plötsligt använda till en massa annat. Jag orkar plugga, och tillochmed träffa människor och vara social. En sån enkel sak som att gå ner till Statoil för att posta ett brev tar inte längre flera timmar av självpepp innan det blir av. Jag kan röra mig ute utan att äcklas av den bild jag tror att andra ser.

Kanske är det därför jag märker att jag har fått en mycket bättre självkänsla, att jag är tryggare och mindre osäker. Jag vet inte ens om jag en enda gång på de här 150 dagarna har känt av den där bitterheten jag alltid kände förut över att ha fått vänta så länge på att börja leva.

Jag var bitter, men kämpade för att komma ur bitterheten eftersom jag visste att den var destruktiv. Då lyssnade jag alltid på Tell me this night is over, och sjöng med, i tysthet:

“I hope that someone’s gonna call and tell me this night is over

’cause I wanna start living my life before I get much older.”

Jag vågade aldrig hoppas på att det faktiskt skulle hända, men det gjorde det. Mitt liv har äntligen börjat. Jag är 29 år på papperet, 14 år i kroppen och 150 dagar i själen. Nyfödd som jag är har jag viktigare saker för mig än att odla min bitterhet – att leva, till exempel.

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I sent a letter – the letter – to my parents earlier this week, and it should be today when they receive it. I am agonising at their reactions. I am terrified in fact.

Me on Day 141

MY NEWS TODAY:

From today and for the remainder of the year, I am reducing my hormone and anti androgen blocker, For the Hormone I am reducing from 6-mg Progynova to 2 mg Progynova and the Cypreterone Acetate I am reducing from 50-mg a day to 25-mg a day.

I am doing this for 2 reasons, the 1st reason is health, I am not sure how healthy it is for me to be on such a huge dose, and 2nd the reduced dosage will stretch my present supply much longer, thus saving money. With not working, and jobs scarce on the horizon I am not sure if I will be able to afford a full dose each month I am here, so I am doing this.

I have been suffering from debilitating chronic fatigue and mood swings, I am not sure why, I wonder if it has to do with the hormones, so with the reduction I am hoping to moderate the highs and lows I have been suffering from.  I know that this is a form of self medication, but what can I do, I am not in the UK yet..

MY OTHER NEWS:

My great news is, I was chatting last night online with a wonderful woman in the UK, from Manchester, and we got onto the subject of work or rather the lack of work, and the fact the both of us are unemployed, I mentioned that I was a video editor and I would like to at some point get into the UK industry, and she said her neighbour or a friend has been commissioned by the BBC to edit a nature programme, and said that if I know my stuff there is a great chance of finding work…

This is such huge news as I really want to get into editing for the BBC, that will be huge.. Make it worthwhile to learn the software.

So I am giving myself a few weeks to allow the reduced dose to have an affect to see if I become less tired, and the mood swings are reduced in the poles.

So until I know anything I am going to try and learn the software, and I wonder if my friend can help me and maybe direct me towards an area I should close in on, maybe specialise in a certain part of the suite or be a general editor. I don’t know I am confused about this.

Later Alligator

Justine Paula

It’s mind boggling how much can change in a year.

This time last year, I returned from having Thanksgiving dinner with family, pulled my car into the garage and closed the door behind me. But then I sat there, in that closed space, with my car engine running. Just for a minute. Or two. Just long enough to scare myself.

I stopped myself that night mostly because I couldn’t imagine someone finding me like that and on a holiday no less.

Today, I’m grateful to be here, grateful for my resilience and for a renewed sense of my own strength.

I’m grateful, of course, for my creature comforts. I have a warm bed to sleep in at night and a refrigerator full of food. But mostly, I’m grateful for the less tangible of my blessings.

I feel grateful for my solitude and for my affinity for simplicity because it has been the very process of simplifying my life, scaling back on entanglements and obligations and possessions, that has given me much-needed peace of mind.

And if my new life in the desert has been surprisingly full, I have this great site to be thankful for. I’m grateful, too, for the small pleasures that enrich my daily life here: early morning hikes and afternoon walks, morning coffee, the public library, old books and new music and classic movies in technicolor. And then there is my camera. It’s a bit beyond me, I have so much to learn, and yet it has quickly become my most prized possession and, more importantly, my salvation.

I’m thankful that, although I am alone, I am not unloved. I feel fortunate that my mother is still living and that we’re close. I’m grateful for my new baby niece and to my brother for letting me back into his life just in time to be an auntie. I’m thankful to still have with me my challenging, smart, cranky old cat, a divine feline and the most loving of companions these past 16 years.

And in spite of the pain that brought me to my knees not too long ago, I am grateful for my dear friend, my love, who, in his long absence, has grown to become a better man. I’m grateful for the knowledge that, yes, he does have real feeling for me still, something I could never quite be sure of when he was physically present in my life. I’m grateful for the longing I feel for him because it lets me know I’m alive and still capable of loving another person whole-heartedly.

This Thanksgiving I am grateful for a dawning spiritual awareness, grateful to be living a life that bears little resemblance to my old one. I’m content these days and have become optimistic enough to pin my hopes and dreams on once again finding joy and happiness. The truth is, I’ve been feeling a little restless lately. Who knows where I may have landed by this time next year?

Happy Thanksgiving!

Imorgon firar jag 150 dagar i puberteten – men jag kunde inte hålla mig, så jag visar lite bilder redan idag. Det är en hel del som har hänt sedan jag började med testosteron, både fysiskt och psykiskt.

De kroppsliga förändringarna är ungefär de jag hade väntat mig: Jag har fått mer kroppshår, jag har en lite mörkare röst och en jämnare och kraftigare skäggväxt. Min kroppstemperatur är densamma som förut, och med undantag för vissa perioder skulle jag inte säga att jag egentligen svettas mer. Däremot har jag både blivit mer varm i huden och mer frusen. Kanske är det lite psykiskt: Jag behöver inte längre de låga temperaturerna för att hålla mig hårig.

Måtten har förändrats – och det långt över förväntan, med tanke på att jag praktiskt taget inte har tränat alls. Vikten har fortsatt neråt, tack vare att jag samtidigt äter Concerta för min ADHD. Trots att testosteron brukar få människor att gå upp i vikt har jag tappat 4,5 kilo. Musklerna har kommit fram lite bättre, och mina underarmar och händer har blivit lite senigare, inbillar jag mig.

Men framförallt är det håret som är den stora skillnaden. På ställen som ryggen och kinderna som förr hyste några små ljusa fjun har jag numera en tydlig hårväxt, och benen som redan förut var ganska ludna är numera nästan päls. Jag har tillochmed hår på bröstet – men snyggast är ändå mina underarmar. Jag råkar nämligen tycka att lite lagom seniga och håriga armar är snyggt, och har alltid skämts för att mina egna inte är så ludna som jag önskat att de var, och alldeles för runda. Nu har jag äntligen snygga armar.

Håret på huvudet är ständigt flottigt och jag har finnar i ansiktet, på bröstet och på ryggen. Jag börjar tröttna litegrann på det, men det är egentligen en bagatell. Rent kroppsligt är jag väldigt nöjd med min pubertet såhär långt, och känslan av att faktiskt kunna hantera situationen smyger sig på då och då. Det är en mycket märklig känsla – men helt fantastisk.

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Joy for the Journey: Welcoming Change

Thanksgiving table is set. But where is the turkey?

You have heard the saying, “Familiarity breeds contempt!” But for many people, and perhaps for most people, familiarity breeds comfort.

We humans are creatures of habit and so we find comfort in familiarity, sameness and routine. Some would go so far as to do everything possible to resist change so we can hold on to traditions and habits: because we feel a sense of security and being in control when everything around us stays the same.

In 1998, Spencer Johnson wrote a parable, Who Moved My Cheese, about human reaction to change in the workplace. He uses mice with different personalities to represent the variety of reactions to change. As you can already guess, those that embraced change were the ones that eventually found their cheese for food.

Today is Thanksgiving Day in America. Traditionally American families would have a menu of roast turkey with bread stuffing, cranberry sauce, candied yams, and pumpkin pie with whipped cream. Within this tradition, different families may tweak the menu slightly for their regional and familial preferences. Over the years then, American adults who grow up with a certain tweaking of their tradition have become attached to this. For my husband, turkey stuffing without celery and chopped walnuts would not be Thanksgiving, because that was the way his mother had always made the stuffing. For me as his Chinese bride who grew up in Hong Kong, I have no emotional attachments to any particularly tweaking of the menu or the recipe. My horizon is wide open and I am ready to tweak in a thousand and one ways, or more.

After 27 years of marriage, change, customization, improvisation and adaptation seem to have become the hallmark of our holiday dinners.

Today our 21-year old daughter and her boyfriend are joining us for Thanksgiving dinner. To accommodate our daughter’s vegetarian taste, our menu includes tofu with black bean garlic sauce, steamed fish Chinese style, oven-fried sweet potatoes American style, Shepherd’s Pie Scottish and vegetarian style, and Japanese mochi for dessert.

What a glorious fusion and confusion!

What is significant here? Not the fact that we have such a conglomeration of ethnic cuisines in one meal, all eaten here in America! What’s significant is my perspective about the change, the customization, improvisation and adaptation.

A Thanksgiving menu like ours could cause many Americans grave grief because it is such a radical departure from tradition. But what are some other priorities at work besides my and my husband’s attachment to traditions, habits, and familiarity?

These other priorities are many: the opportunity to build relationships, to explore a new experience, to create new and positive memories for our family album, to stretch our ability to adapt, and to create positive fusion out of confusion. Change is an opportunity to create: to create a new dimension to relationships, a new level of adaptability in us, a new perspective about life and family interactions and much more. We unleash our creativity when we welcome change; we experience joy instead of grief.

In comparison of these priorities, perhaps holding on to what is familiar is not automatically the thing to do on Thanksgiving Day. It may not even be the thing to do at any given time.

The image in this blogpost is attributed to jondis on www.flickr.com.

On second look, that heading is awfully similar to religious paraphernalia directed towards kids (“What is the meaning of Christmas?”) but maybe I’m feeling a little preachy… Today I’m reading and writing about Einstein, which is fun, and tonight Tam and I are going out to dinner, then meeting up with Diana to see Tegan & Sara (I think I’ve been writing “Teagan” in past blogs, I’m not sure why) So I’ve got a lot of things to be thankful for right off the top of my head.  Tegan & Sara are pretty much at the top, both that they exist and that they’re in Berlin, and that their concert comes at a time when I am desperately in need of some good fun.  But of course, Thanksgiving is more than that.  As a celebration of the harvest, Thanksgiving is fundamentally about respect and thankfulness for being a part of something much larger than yourself.  When you sit down at the table, you are taking part in an enormous enterprise.  I think when I was in elementary school there was a push for the “Native American story” because people were seeking to add importance to a holiday that has a reputation for being all about food.  And for some reason (many, actually, and not very hard to identify) a holiday that was simply about food was less serious than a fictional one about how settlers and Native Americans overcame their differences to break bread together.  What a wonderful story we’ve created, justifying the history of our nation while pretending to acknowledge it.

But I think if you went up to a bunch of Americans (and Canadians, though their Thanksgiving is in October – because their harvest is earlier) they would tell you that Thanksgiving is about food and family.  And, well, that sounds like a pretty wonderful idea for a holiday to me!  This “enormous enterprise” is a web of interdependence, between family members as they prepare the meal, between the farmers who grow the food and the cooks, between the land and the labor and our table, heavy with bounty.  It’s easy to commodify these relationships and see Thanksgiving only as a celebration of excess, which Americans love.  More and more and more.  You could have Thanksgiving this way, I guess.  But I think it might actually be easier to acknowledge the many things that made your meal possible, though people might not being thinking literally about their food.  With such busy lives, I imagine many people will be thankful today that their families were all able to schedule each other in, and with the economy the way it is, I think ‘grace’ will be said with fervency, an appeal to god by those who believe that we are small, clueless and not in charge.

I don’t disagree with many fundamental elements of religious prayer.  I think it acknowledges that people are part of something larger than themselves.  But you can find this elsewhere too.  Compassion for others and an understanding of a greater system are biological necessities.  We do not survive without them.  Which is why Thanksgiving for me should be about a moral imperative to engage ourselves.  Giving thanks is not a passive act.  We are sustained, fueled, and enlivened by our wondrous meal and re-commissioned into our lives (again, not passively).

So, in light of this, I was reading about the Transition Network, which is a very loose organization of groups all over the world, focusing on preparing for the end of oil supplies.  It could be very apocalyptic, and to be honest, some of their material has that flavor, not because they believe in end times or anything like that, but because it is so hard to imagine the world without this enormous oil supply.  Our economic system is built on it.  One of the things that drew me to Transition is that they are coming at alternative energy from a different, and I think more appropriate, direction than most of the stuff I’ve heard in the media.  Most of the mainstream discourse on energy has been to reassure people that our current way of life will not fundamentally change; we will still take cars and planes everywhere, you’re still going to be able to get a banana in New England at any time of the year – it’s just that these endeavors will be fueled by something other than oil.  This is seriously ridiculous and only a step away from pretending oil will never run out.  It will run out in my lifetime, from what I’ve heard.  And it will change everything.  We get an incredible amount of energy from oil and this has created the energy-dependent lifestyle of the Western world (and arguably, if you want to talk about power, the whole world).  We’re not going to find a magic technology that will simply fit into the role of oil.  I don’t have any proof of this, but I do believe it as a rational and thinking person.  The research I’m doing right now on science and literature has made me realize and appreciate the way that every moment in every field is connected to a thousand factors; that changes in one place changes everything else, and we can’t always predict what changes will occur and where. We’re not all going to trade in our current cars for electric ones and continue with our commutes.

Transition Los Angeles posted some interesting things to think about this Thanksgiving.  One of them was to think about all the ways that you have benefited from oil energy today and be thankful (be thankful in the way you are when you know it will change).  This is not just how much hot water you used, but the food you’ve eaten, the energy you’ve consumed.  Another point was that today we should also look forward, both in our thoughts and in our actions.  Preparing for the future isn’t about stocking up on canned food, it’s about learning how to can food.  It comes back to Thanksgiving after all, giving thanks and making a promise to protect that which you are thankful for.  Purposefully looking to the future, with the promise of intentional living.   For me, when I think about the future and the skills needed to thrive in it, I find myself looking for abilities that aren’t completely built into the current power (and I mean this energy-wise, politically,  economically, socially) systems.  I find myself valuing skills that protect what I love and are flexible and adaptable, because the future – it’s much larger than anything I can imagine.

Happy Thanksgiving.

Hi All

Today is a really bad bad day for me, I am trying to deal with the issues of not working and the crushing boredom thus brought on…

My heart is really funny, and I am suffering deep depression, and a very deep tiredness, and this does not help me, I tried to sleep and when I woke up, it took a long time for the brain to come alive, to be able to function properly..

This is getting worse by the day, I am sure that it is a pump problem, maybe it is something else, I dont know, the medical professionals dont seem all that concerned about it. Thus it must not be a problem, even though I feel terrible, it cant be that bad! Must be in my head!

I was asked why suicide: Well I dont really know, I am tired of all the pain I have, of carrying all the guilt around,  of being a failure in life, I have yet to really achieve anything worthwhile. I feel that I am not going to be much in my life, and that I have seen myself as far more than I really am…

A vw beetle is a vw beetle, it may want to be a porsche, but it is only a vw beetle, I am the same, I see myself as more than I am, and the lesson I have to learn is that I am far less than I see myself.

I wonder when the tide will turn and I will be able to be a success in life, I am not craving wealth or fame, just to be me, a female tv news video editor, that is all, nothing fancy or special, just having fun cutting together news inserts, I love that, that is all I want to do with my life, now why is this so difficult for me to do?

Later Alligator

Justine Paula

I hate sounding cliche.

I’ve written about “new beginnings” innumerable times, to the extent that its necessarily lost its meaning.

But, in a way, this is another beginning.

Right?

I’m not really sure anymore.

at 26 I’d've hoped I’d have more of a clue than I do right now, but I don’t.

I don’t even know if Mikaela is my real name.

is it?

Do initials matter?

I hate having more questions than answers, more doubts than certainties, more fears and weakness’s than strengths.

I hate that I hate all of that.

Why was I never allowed to just BE?

i saw AS yesterday for lunch. i met her and became her intern at 24, 25…she’s known me for 10 years or so. she told me that a girls she met recently, who’s working with her on her new exhibition, reminds her of me. a younger me. full of confidence, fiery, ambition, but with a relationship that was like dead weight. AS said she doesn’t think the relationship will last. the young woman is coming to her own. she’s having some kind of awakening.

that’s what we go through, especially as women. women have awakenings. it could be in our late 20s, or early 30s, our mid 30s or late 30s. it could be an ongoing awakening…and i think for me, it’s been some kind of awakening journey since my 28th year. and i continue to have these moments of “ding ding ding…” i continue have these little tiny growth spurts, blooms, sprouts. they catch me off guard. but when i notice this growth, i am both surprised, happy, and confused. what do i do now with this new found information about myself? do i allow the growth to continue? or do i stifle it with my old, bad ways, bad habits?

today, i had one of those moments. after getting off a very brief 15 minute conversation with J, i hung up the phone and began to sob uncontrollably. i have many of those now. i attribute that to age, red wine, being alone and comfortable enough in my skin to sob. whatever…so after i finished sobbing, i was thinking how i am such an accommodating person! i have always been. on the one hand, i am very ambivalent about many things that i have no control over, like when someone will call me, when i fall in love again, when i’ll find that great job, etc, etc, etc. i tell myself i do my best and that’s all i can do and the rest is up to magic, fate, life, universe, etc. and on the other hand, aside from ambivalence, it’s just hard to be that stiff with people. to make demands of people, especially when it comes to relationships. i know i don’t want demands made of me, so why would i want to do that to someone else. but! i also know that i don’t want demands to be made of me because i always do my best. do other people also do their best? that…i don’t know…i don’t have as much faith in others as i do in myself.

so my gripe with J is that when we talk, our conversations are always, without fail, cut before i can finish my thought, have my fill of talking/catching up, or before i want to end the conversation. J usually calls me on his way to work. or on his way to somewhere. it’s like he uses me to fill the down time. and as much as i love to hear his voice and talk to him, i’ve come to just accept whatever little time he can give…i almost never ask for/demand for more. nor do i tell him to not call if he doesn’t have time. so, i take what i can get…i yield. and that just sucks! because now it’s habitual. now i only ever talk to him during these windows of downtime. and now the precedence has been set.

and this is the pattern that i want to break when it comes to my relationships with people, but mainly with men. i have a tendency to give off this very cavalier attitude, and i am…again because i am to a certain extent ambivalent. but at some point, when i think things start to get serious, i do put in more effort and i expect the same in return. and when i don’t see the same amount of effort put in, i let the guys get away with continuing to put in very to little effort. it’s a vicious cycle that gets me no where. it doesn’t even get me beyond ambivalence. and i really don’t need more ambivalence in my life.

so i wrote J an email letting him know that i don’t want to “fit” into his life anymore. i am either in it or not. make a decision! let the chips fall where they may.

if this ends. so be it. so the “ding” moment is i have to be good to myself. i have to look out for my needs. i try. but sometimes part of trying isn’t just hunkering down and doing your thing. it’s also setting boundaries, having definitions. and it’s ok to have boundaries to have definitions. i cannot be scared of them or avoid them. because, sadly, i’m usually the one who gets hurt when there aren’t any boundaries or definitions. i just need to set them and see what happens. if things don’t work out because of them, so be it. i will continue to grow. to be me…

Jag har alltid känt att det är skitsvårt att umgås med personer som lever i en kvinnlig könsroll. Inte för att jag ogillar tjejer, utan för att jag aldrig har kunnat relatera till dem på ett sätt som jag har känt att jag har förväntats göra. Jag vet inte hur det är att leva i en kvinnlig könsroll, fast jag antar att jag har gjort det själv. För mig var det så mycket jag aldrig förstod, och som jag sedan gav upp att försöka förstå när jag väl bestämt mig för att försöka få en könskorrigering.

Jag har alltid haft svårt att förstå människor i allmänhet och tjejer i synnerhet, men ändå har jag knappt pratat med några personer jag uppfattat som kukfödda på hela kvällen. Istället har det varit personer jag uppfattat som fittfödda, och det har fungerat över förväntan. Kanske är det mitt nyvunna självförtroende, men jag tror minst lika mycket att det kan ha att göra med att jag inte längre känner det där tvånget att hela tiden slå ifrån mig när folk förväntar sig att man ska ha vissa erfarenheter, insikter och kunskaper – eftersom de förväntningarna har minskat drastiskt.

Även om jag inte passerar som kille vare sig till utseende eller på rösten så är det i alla fall en påminnelse för folk som känner mig. Min boendestödjare som en gång i våras i förbifarten frågade mig om jag brukade handla i en affär som säljer damunderkläder – och sedan bad om ursäkt för det i tio minuter när hon kom på vad hon sagt – skulle förmodligen inte göra ett sånt misstag idag. Jag har glidit över i facket “mittemellan” i den könsnormativa världen, och det är en lättnad i sig – och det är i sin tur något som bara bygger på min självkänsla mer och mer.

Jag kan alltså tillochmed prata med människor, och ännu mer tillochmed prata med människor i en kvinnlig könsroll utan att känna något slags behov av att markera att jag inte är en av dem. Min gamla taktik att vara så konstig att ingen könar mig som kvinna var inte tillräckligt effektiv för att hålla könsparanoian i schack. Konstig är jag fortfarande – och synd vore väl annars – men vad det än är som har förändrats så fungerar det. All del energi som jag lagt ner på att driva mig själv in i onda cirklar pushar mig idag framåt i goda cirklar.

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Laura Hope describes the ‘hounds’ in her life:

I can hear the hounds in the distance

In the last 2+ weeks i have had more thrills out and about that i could have imagined, while doing almost nothing remarkable – just living.

But since I went into this essentially full time mode, the pressure at home has been dialed up to 11. Whether it’s well meaning relatives telling me to “put my pants on” (she’s a sweetheart, but she thinks she’s thinking of what’s best for my family)…

or in-laws who stand a 24 hour watch waiting for her call to be rescued from “this mess”…

or her repeating the same discussion every night that veers wildly from “I don’t see how we can make it” to “it’ll all work out” and from “I didn’t marry you for a sister” to “if we’re going to be roommates we can take the rings off” (which is to say, a lot of conflicting and contradictory statements and signals within the same conversation)…

or the most recent tactic of saying “I ask the kids how they felt and they don’t like it either” (they won’t talk to me about it) and “they need a daddy, you are taking their daddy away from them”…

it all makes me think of myself as an escapee who’s not really and truely free because the bloodhounds can be heard in the distance.

It’s like being a runaway slave – even though I’m “free”…I keep thinking the bounty hunter is just around the next corner, ready to put the chains back on.

What’s worse, I can feel myself tiring of the pursuit….my knees getting weak. Feeling the temptation to just lie down in the ditch and let them find me. Drag me back to the cell. Worse, throw me in “the hole” for even attempting escape (i.e. go through life knowing everyone not only knows what’s inside, but knows I’m so weak i can’t even follow through on such a blatant coming out)

the main argument I’m making to her now is that even if she thinks i broke it, the peices don;t go together anymore – I might have been able to muddle through the next 20 years never knowing how good this feels – but now i know.

she and the rest of them would certainly have gone on thinking I was a rather drab and unremarkable little man of no accomplishment – but now they know I’m a “freak” (in their view) and they can’t “unknow” that. The only thing worse is to see me give up and quit because it’s too hard (all the while telling me what a noble deed it was to “put my family first”)

I don’t fear anything that this coming out brings my way, whether it’s being killed by a hater or rejected by everyone I know – except one thing. I fear discrediting everything I’ve accomplished so far by accepting defeat and de-transitioning.

I’m not sure how long I could keep getting up n the mornings if I did that.

But….I can hear them…and my legs are getting very tired.

Laura Hope

]]> http://bourgeoisgreen.wordpress.com/2009/11/25/what-gets-me-motivated/ Wed, 25 Nov 2009 19:33:24 +0000 bourgeoisgreen http://bourgeoisgreen.wordpress.com/2009/11/25/what-gets-me-motivated/ http://candlesonthepath.wordpress.com/2009/11/25/confidence/ Wed, 25 Nov 2009 18:14:57 +0000 alicewandersland http://candlesonthepath.wordpress.com/2009/11/25/confidence/

My confidence has bounced up and down,
i do not feel as certain as before,
A loss of the illusion of control
for more often i do not know,
do not know how to negotiate this place and way.
I no longer make definitive statements
all i utter seems to end in a question mark
For i am no longer sure
of much,
of anything.

Automatic pilot is on strike,
As i must react to all that comes in
what was known becomes unknown
in this different zone
what was familar becomes unfamiliar,
i am like a child
learning once again
i know longer know
how to cross the street.
where to eat
where to buy paper
how to get the hot water in a shower
how to find the question make on the keyboard
where to ride a bus, and which one to take
even the simple takes thought
And my mind is constantly active
not confident in the little decisions i make
was this the best place
was i overcharged
what do i eat
prices no longer make sense
not just the currency but in their relation to one another.
why is this so cheap and this so expensive,
all is different as i negotiate new terrain.

It is stress,
not a negative,
not a positive,
it just is,
a heighten sense of alertness
where one must always decide
react
not with customary patterns,
but in new ways
i feel alive
i feel exhausted
i grow

slowly it will return
and i will be more sure
having stretched my boundaries,
i will leave this uncomfortable zone
of that i am confident
and though i must pass through this zone,
the more i do the more confidence grows
the more i challenge myself
the more that i pass through
the more that i believe that i can.
And i am starting to understand this place.

]]> http://dorobekinsider.wordpress.com/2009/11/25/dorobekinsider-usda-gets-approval-for-employee-buy-outs-from-opm-as-mega-management-reorg-continues/ Wed, 25 Nov 2009 16:56:23 +0000 cdorobek http://dorobekinsider.wordpress.com/2009/11/25/dorobekinsider-usda-gets-approval-for-employee-buy-outs-from-opm-as-mega-management-reorg-continues/

The Agriculture Department is moving forward with its controversial mega-management reorganization and today, USDA officials announced that the agency has received approval from the Office of Personnel Management to move forward with early retirement offers and voluntary separation incentive payments to departmental management employees.

By way of background, USDA has been undertaking a massive reorganization that essentially create a uber-USDA “Departmental Administration” — including operations such as procurement, IT, human resources and finance. You can read the documents and the new organization chart here… and read the USDA statement on the management reorg here.

The full memo about the buy-outs and early-outs is posted below:

The U.S. Department of Agriculture (USDA) has received approval from the U.S. Office of Personnel Management (OPM) to offer voluntary early retirement (VERA-Early Out) and voluntary separation incentive payments (VSIP-Buy Out) to Departmental Management (DM) employees with a Washington D.C. duty station who are (1) eligible for and elect an immediate annuity, either through optional or early retirement and (2) are in one of the covered occupational groups. Retirement eligibles occupying positions in one of the following job categories are eligible to consider the VERA/VSIP options.

- GS-0000 Miscellaneous Occupational Group;
- GS-0200 Human Resources Management Group;
- GS-0300 Administrative, Clerical, and Office Services Group;
- GS-0600 Medical, Hospital, Dental, and Public Health Group;
- GS-1000 Information and Arts Group;
- GS-1300 Physical Sciences Group;
- GS-1600 Equipment, Facilities, and Services Group;
- GS-1700 Education Group;
- GS-1900 Quality Assurance, Inspection, and Grading Group;
- GS-2000 Supply Group; and
- GS-2200 Information Technology Group

Employees selecting the VSIP option are eligible for a lump sum payment of $25,000 (gross) or an amount equal to the employee’s computed severance pay, whichever is less. Since the VSIP is limited to retirement eligibles, the vast majority of the VSIP payments would be at the maximum level of $25,000 gross.

The open period for election of optional retirement with a VSIP or early (VERA) retirement either with or without a VSIP is December 1, 2009, through December 14, 2009. All retirements must be effective no later than January 3, 2010.

OPM has authorized a maximum of 100 VSIP slots. Therefore the first 100 VSIP elections received from DM employees encompassed by the VERA/VSIP authorizations during the open period will be eligible for the VSIP.

The decision to choose any of these options is completely voluntary. In order to provide additional background information on the VERA and VSIP authorizations, the following overview sessions have been scheduled:

- Monday, November 30, at 10 a.m. in Room 107A, Whitten Building; and
- Thursday, December 3, at 10 a.m. in Room 107A Whitten Building…

Please note that an employee who accepts the VSIP offer may not accept reemployment with the Federal Government, either by appointment or a personal services contract for a period of five (5) years, unless the employee repays the entire gross amount of the VSIP to USDA.

All employees who accept an offer of an optional retirement with a VSIP or early retirement with or without a VSIP must complete the enclosed decision form. We have reserved Room 107A from 8:00 a.m. through noon, on Tuesday, December 1, to accept decision forms. After 12:00 p.m. on December 1, 2009, you must return the decision form by fax to the attention of Shelley Pree, Departmental HR Operations Branch, at fax number (301) 504-4883, or you can deliver the form to Ms. Pree directly at the George Washington Carver Center, Room 3-1270. Before faxing the decision form, please e-mail Ms. Pree at Shelley.Pree@ars.usda.gov to alert her of your faxed request. The faxed form will automatically be date-stamped upon receipt. The first 100 decision applications received from DM employees who meet the criteria summarized above will be eligible for a VSIP.

Employees can contact Lisa Carroll at (202) 720-4292 to arrange for retirement counseling. Employees are responsible for completing all necessary paperwork, including Form SF-2801 “Application for Immediate Retirement” (CSRS) or SF-3107 “Application for Immediate Retirement” (FERS) and providing these forms to the Human Resources Division.

Also, enclosed are Questions and Answers to assist you in making this important decision. Please contact Shelley Pree at (301) 504-4428 if you have any further questions.

More here:

View this document on Scribd

]]> http://transitionitalia.wordpress.com/2009/11/25/rob-hopkins-su-ted/ Wed, 25 Nov 2009 11:08:48 +0000 Cristiano http://transitionitalia.wordpress.com/2009/11/25/rob-hopkins-su-ted/ http://ioelatransizione.wordpress.com/2009/11/25/rob-interviene-a-ted/ Wed, 25 Nov 2009 10:54:00 +0000 Cristiano http://ioelatransizione.wordpress.com/2009/11/25/rob-interviene-a-ted/ http://dayspotting.wordpress.com/2009/11/25/eine-welt-ohne-erdol/ Wed, 25 Nov 2009 10:51:33 +0000 Niels http://dayspotting.wordpress.com/2009/11/25/eine-welt-ohne-erdol/ http://adaptiveness.wordpress.com/2009/11/25/viii-you-say-transition-i-say-transformation/ Wed, 25 Nov 2009 09:58:10 +0000 victorgalaz http://adaptiveness.wordpress.com/2009/11/25/viii-you-say-transition-i-say-transformation/ http://trollhare.wordpress.com/2009/11/25/min-kropp-ar-inte-perfekt-men-mina-gamla-former-ar-imperfekt/ Wed, 25 Nov 2009 09:08:17 +0000 Immanuel Brändemo http://trollhare.wordpress.com/2009/11/25/min-kropp-ar-inte-perfekt-men-mina-gamla-former-ar-imperfekt/

För någon vecka sedan ringde Leo för att fråga om jag hade ett gammalt dokument på min dator som de behövde för något pappersarbete. Visserligen låter hon ofta lite förvirrad på telefon, men den här gången kom hon av sig. Leo har inte hört min röst sedan Pride, så det är inte så konstigt: Jag har ju kommit i målbrottet. Hon sa att det var för att hon brukar reagera på att min röst är mycket ljusare än vad hon tänker sig att den är, men att hon inte reagerade på det den här gången. Hon reagerade alltså på att hon inte reagerade. Det lät mer som jag nu; som den röst hon tänker sig att jag har.

Imorse ringde Minou, och när vi babblat en stund kom det där med rösten upp. Det var ett tag sedan vi pratades vid över telefon, och hon erkände att hen först hade tänkt att min röst bara var morgongrötig. Men jo, hen hörde skillnad hen med. Alla gör det: Mina vänner, mina boendestödjare, min läkare, mina föräldrar… Alla hör att min röst är annorlunda jämfört med för några månader sedan. Inte längre så besvärande ljus, utan mer jag. Fortfarande är den inte särskilt mörk; någon basröst är det inte tal om, men den är lite mindre besvärlig.

Mina vänner reagerar inte längre på att jag har en så ljus röst när de hör mig. Det var såna reaktioner jag fick ibland förut, när jag till exempel träffade folk IRL första gången eller när de såg mig på tv ifjol: Vänner och bekanta tyckte att den röst de hörde inte stämde med den röst jag hade i deras huvuden. Jag tog det alltid som en komplimang, eftersom det tydde på att deras bild av mig gick bortom det ytliga. De kunde se mig som den jag var här på nätet istället för att haka upp sig på min röst eller mina bröst.

Idag har avståndet mellan deras bild av mig och min fysiska kropp krympt, men det viktigaste är att det största avståndet – det mellan min egen inre bild och den bild jag ser i spegeln – är mindre än någonsin.

Igår skickade jag en bild från mitt gamla liv till Robin för att muntra upp honom. Jag ville visa honom att han inte är fetast i världen, så jag tog den mest pinsamma bilden jag har. Fotot är ungefär tre och ett halvt år gammalt, från den tiden då jag vägde 108 kilo och såg ut som min mormor. Hans reaktion var “Fan vikka pattar du hade”. Jag är så himla glad att han skrev det i imperfekt. Min kropp är inte perfekt, men mina gamla former är imperfekt.

Läs även andra bloggares åsikter om transsexualism, könskorrigering, puberteten, målbrottet, testosteron, hormoner, rösten, telefon, kropp, komplex, fetma, övervikt, ideal, skönhet, bröst, komplimanger, självbild, bilder

]]> http://createmiracles.wordpress.com/2009/11/25/flowers-on-the-grave/ Wed, 25 Nov 2009 08:12:11 +0000 mnobleza http://createmiracles.wordpress.com/2009/11/25/flowers-on-the-grave/