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Transmorphers (2007)

IMDB Score: 1.8 out of 10

God bless Asylum Studio and their world famous mockbusters. Asylum, the production house responsible for putting out some of the worst straight-to-DVD movies in recent years, will give me plenty of movies to watch this year and, if they are all like “Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus” and “Transmorphers,” I couldn’t be happier.

There is a rule for bad movies: the cooler the cover, the worse the movie.

Owing more to the recent reimagining of “Battlestar Galatica” then “Transformers,” “Transmorphers” is about humanity’s struggle against an imposing army of shape-changing aliens that come to Earth and enslave it.

Having been driven underground for hundreds of years, humanity has finally decided that enough is enough and devise a plan to not only retake the surface of their planet but to finally rid themselves of their Gobot wannabe oppressors once and for all.

Fans of bad movies have everything they could possibly want in “Transmorphers.” There are cheesy special effects, unbelievably long scenes of exposition weighed down by military-jargon heavy dialog, a final act plot twist that’s as obvious as it is retarded and all the hot lesbian action you could ask for.

It seems that in the future of “Transmorphers” not only has humanity finally OK’d homosexual marriage, every single last survivor of mankind possesses the good looks of either a high-class striper or a CW prime-time soap star.

And you know what? It makes sense. Why would ugly people survive a robotic-induced holocaust? The only people who are going to propagate and continue the human race are going to be the good-looking lads and ladies that possess solid genes.

This survival of the prettiest means that “Transmorphers” gives audiences the distinct pleasure of watching scene after scene of porn star looking actresses bark military orders and pretend to shoot guns at walking toaster ovens. As far as I’m concerned, there’s nothing wrong with that.

“Transmorphers” is a deliriously bad film — one that not only embraces its poor production quality but also writhes around in it like rich people writhe around in beds covered with money.

But you know what? Watching the movie, I couldn’t help but feel that it must have been a blast to make. I feel relatively certain that the actors and actresses had a whole lot of fun on the set of “Transmorphers” as they got to play solder and fight CGI robots — something that, if it wasn’t for bad movies, they might never had a chance to do.

I’m also sure that the movie was made solely in the hopes of horning in on some of that “Transformers” money during the summer of 2007. That much is obvious. But if their was joy in the filmmaking and the cast and crew did have as much of a good time making the movie as they seem to have had, I’m not going to sit here and shake my finger at them.

No, I’m going to get down on my knees and ask, nay plead, Aslyum Studio, to let me make a bad movie for them. Pretty please? With sugar on top?

Sepertinya itulah tema hari ini, ngga tau malu. Seperti halnya beberapa bulan belakangan ini, gw menghabiskan malam minggu bersama dua orang teman baik gw, Davey dan Bima. Seperti biasa, malam minggu para loser. Ngga ada yang menarik sama sekali sebetulnya dari tempat-tempat yang kita kunjungi, tapi ada beberapa hal/kejadian yang cukup mengusik gw sampai-sampai gw merasa perlu menulis tulisan ini.

Yang pertama adalah ketika kita sedang berada di Carrefour (bayangin, malem minggu ke Carrefour…sigh). Davey mau beli pompa injek dan kita sekalian beli snack. Barang yang mau kita beli sedikit sekali, sampe-sampe kita ngga butuh keranjang. Gw cuma beli Rings rasa Ayam Keju BBQ (yang ternyata enak), Davey beli pompa, kacang, sama Kinder Bueno, Bima beli Alpenliebe apa gitu. Nah, karena belanjaan kita yang sangat sedikit itu, maka sesuai dengan hakikatnya, kita ngantri di kasir keranjang “express” dong.

Tapi Carrefour hari ini ramai sekali. Mungkin lagi waktunya belanja bulanan kali ya, soalnya kayak semua orang belanja banyaknya luar biasa. Semua kasir dipenuhi orang ngantri dengan trolley yang berisi belanjaan segunung. Dan kasir keranjang “express” pun tidak kalah ramainya, malah lebih ramai daripada kasir normal. Karena melihat kasir keranjang “express” antriannya jauh lebih panjang dan pergerakannya terlihat tidak express sama sekali, maka kita memutuskan untuk mengantri di kasir normal yang letaknya persis di sebelah kasir “express” tadi. Saat lagi ngantri, kita menyadari bahwa ada salah satu customer yang mengantri di kasir “express” tidak menggunakan keranjang, melainkan pakai trolley. Padahal bagi yang sering ke Carrefour tau persis dong, kalo di bagian kasir “express” itu ada tulisannya “khusus keranjang”.

Nah ini orang dengan santainya ngantri dengan menggunakan trolley. Barang belanjaannya ngga gitu banyak sih emang. Tapi tetep aja, dia pake trolley. Dan hebatnya, dia kayak ga sadar, atau mungkin ga mau tau, bahwa di depannya, semua orang menggunakan keranjang.

Kita sempet berdiskusi, apakah sebaiknya kita beri tahu? You know, belagak jadi orang baik, bilang “maaf pak, itu kasir keranjang…”. Tapi seringkali maksud baik itu malah berakibat buruk. Jadi kami memutuskan untuk membiarkan saja si bapak itu. Kita berharap, sampai di kasir nanti, dia ngga diterima trus disuruh ngantri ulang. Yeah, kita emang jahat.

Tapi ternyata, orang ini jauh lebih licik. Jadi orang yang ngantri ini kayaknya pergi sekeluarga gitu lho. Yang ngantri di kasir itu bapaknya, sementara anak-anaknya berkeliaran gitu. Nah, pas udah mau deket kasir, tiba-tiba seorang anaknya dateng, BAWA KERANJANG 3 BIJI. Trus dengan santainya (dia bisa santai, karena kasir “express” itu sama sekali ngga express) dia memindahkan barang-barang dari trolleynya ke keranjang itu.

Selesai. Ngga ada masalah lagi. Dia sekarang mematuhi peraturan. Gw dan Davey setuju bahwa itu adalah hal yang jenius. Tapi…itu ngga tau malu man. Gw tau pada dasarnya itu ngga bener-bener merugikan orang, tapi ya sebenernya itu cukup merugikan. Memang ada kelemahan dari istilah kasir khusus keranjang itu, karena ga dibilang sebenernya berapa batasan elo boleh bawa keranjang. Tapi sebenernya kan itu dibuat jadi kasir keranjang dengan asumsi bahwa kalo elo pake keranjang, belanjaanlo ngga banyak, dan proses bayar-bayaran bisa jadi lebih cepet. Nah, kalo elo belanja dengan kuantitas trolley, tapi dimasukin keranjang, bukannya akhirnya jadi sama aja kayak kasir normal?

Hal berikutnya terjadi ketika kita sedang makan di Mbok Berek. Ketika sudah selesai makan secara ngga sengaja kita nonton Extravaganza yang sedang diputer di tv-nya Mbok Berek. Di salah satu segmennya, mendekati akhir, kita melihat sebuah sketch mereka yang terasa sangat familiar. Sketch itu adalah tentang seorang street magician yang ngerjain 2 orang dengan sulap-sulapnya yang cukup absurd. Kenapa terasa sangat familiar ya? Oh right, karena mereka niru sebuah parodi David Blaine di Youtube.

Mereka bisa berkilah kalo itu beda, karena sulap yang mereka tunjukin beda sama yang di Youtube. Tapi, tolong deh, secara konsep, itu udah jelas njiplak. Ngga masalah mau sulapnya beda, karena sulapnya itu cuman 10% dari keseluruhan sketch itu sendiri. Mulai dari ekspresi pesulapnya yang ngeliat-ngeliat ke kamera, trus camera worknya, trus dua orang itu…semuanya udah jelas banget niru. Bagi yang liat sketch itu, coba cek ke link yang gw kasih di atas deh. Elo akan mengerti maksud gw. Itu bener-bener ngga tau malu. Dikira orang Indonesia ngga punya akses ke Internet apa? Di jaman gini kok masih beraninya sih ngejiplak terang-terangan gitu? Menjadikan sesuatu sebagai inspirasi itu sah-sah aja, tapi ngejiplak kayak gitu tuh udah jelas ngga tau malu.

Terakhir adalah sebuah film barat. Jadi sebelum kita ke Mbok Berek dan Carrefour, kita pergi ke Mangga Dua. Ya itulah recap hari ini sebenernya: Mangga Dua, Carrefour, Mbok Berek. Gaul banget ngga sih? Anyway, di mangga dua itu kita melihat sebuah film yang…luar biasa shameless. Dulu jamannya Transformers pertama baru keluar, tiba-tiba muncul sebuah film, straight-to-video, yang berjudul Transmorphers. Liat bedanya? Transformers, Transmorphers? WAW BEDA SEDIKIT SEKALI!!! Dan hari ini, gw menjumpai sequelnya, Transmorphers 2: Fall of Men. Fall of Men….Revenge of the Fallen. Sama-sama ada fall-nya…kebetulan aja kali ya.

Ini bikin kita penasaran sekali. Seperti apa sih film rip-off ini? Maka tanpa pikir panjang kita langsung patungan beli (ngga ada yang mau rugi dong beli sendiri untuk film beginian). Sampe di rumah Davey, kita langsung nonton.

Dan…gw cuma bisa bilang, film itu sekelas film silat yang ada di Indosiar. Special effect, acting, action…my god. Dialog dan settingnya itu kayak sebuah film bokep, tapi ternyata ngga ada bokepnya. Kita udah begitu yakin akan ada bokepnya, tapi selama kita scanning (ya akhirnya kita nontonnya scanning), ternyata ngga ada sama sekali.

Sebagian besar film itu diisi dengan dialog-dialog murahan dan sekalinya ada action, actionnya juga murahan berat. Semurahan apa? Ya kayak misalnya orangnya akting nembak (yang senjatanya sok digeter-geterin), tapi projektil yang keluar ga sesuai. Trus koreografinya juga murahan berat. Pokoknya bener-bener kayak film bokep lah. Bener-bener membuat kita geleng-geleng kepala.

Yah itulah hari ini. Seperti disadarkan bahwa dunia ini masih dipenuhi ketidak-tahu-maluan. Mungkin terkadang kita harus begitu supaya bisa tetap hidup.

During my time in college, I worked at a local video store in order to pick up some extra spending cash.

Oh, Aslyum Studios. You rascally rabbits you.

Being a huge movie buff, I loved my part-time job. From heated debates with co-workers and customers about the finer points of film trivia to being able to take an early glimpse at what new releases we would be stocking the walls with every Tuesday, my job was full of perks.

Not everything was sunshine and flowers, though. There were, of course, the stupid customers.

There were the people who demanded a refund on “Texas Chainsaw Massacre” because they did not realize how inappropriate the film would be for their four-year-old — despite the words “Texas,” “Chainsaw” and “Massacre” in the title. There were people who tried to return foreign films because they “didn’t want none of that reading” in their movie. And, worst of all, there were the people who didn’t bother to read the back of the box for the movie they were buying before they bought it.

I once had a thirty-minute argument with a customer who was surprised that the copy of “The Bridge to Terabithia” she had rented was the 1985 version and not the 2007 version that was at that time currently playing in theaters. To make matters worse, she was upset that while the video box had pictures of fairies and goblins, the actual movie was “really boring.” Needless to say, she did not get her refund.

This was not an isolated experience either. Customers were constantly being fooled by movies. Whether it was renting “Snakes on a Train” instead of “Snakes on a Plane” or “The Da Vinci Treasure” instead of “The Da Vinci Code,” deceptive packaging and a timely appropriation of a famous name tricked many a customer into renting a substandard film.

I used to mock the customers foolish enough to rent a cheesy direct-to-video version of “The Black Dahlia” instead of the Brian De Palma film scheduled to be released that summer. Surely customers couldn’t possibly think that they had somehow found the only video store in the world that carried major Hollywood movies before they were released in theaters.

I have realized, though, that it’s not the customer’s fault. It’s the fault of the slimy video companies who like to make a quick buck through bait and switch.

Through the use of these so-called “Mockbusters,” films made with a low budget and created with the sole-intention of riding the coattails of a summer blockbuster film, studios are all to keen to make a quick buck off of somebody else’s misfortune. One studio alone, The Asylum, has been responsible for such cinematic rip-offs as “AVH: Alien vs. Hunter,” “Transmorphers,” “I Am Omega,” “Sunday School Muscial,” “The Day The Earth Stopped” and so many more.
So how can customers protect themselves against renting “Pirates of Treasure Island” when they really meant to rent “Pirates of the Caribbean” or from buying “When a Killer Calls” when they had intended to purchase “When a Stranger Calls”?

It’s tricky sometimes. These Mockbuster studios are notorious for releasing their films with box art derivative of famous movie posters. The key is always to read the back of the box. Always.

If, for some reason, you are still unsure if you are holding the right movie in your hands, feel free to ask one of the store employees. Once they finish laughing at you, they will be more then happy to help you find the right movie.

“Transmorphers,” an action adventure sci-fi film directed by Leigh Scott, was released straight to DVD in the United States on June 26, 2007.

Plot Synopsis

A race of alien robots have conquered Earth and forced humanity underground. After 400 years, a small group of humans develop a plan to defeat the mechanical invaders in the ultimate battle between man and machine.

Initial Reaction

In preparation for seeing Transformers 2, I decided to check out this ridiculous movie on Netflix Watch Instantly, and I have to say I enjoyed it far more than the new Michael Bay fiasco. This is one of those bad low budget sci-fi movies that is filled with continuity errors, horrific acting, and ridiculous dialog… the kind of film you see on the Sci-Fi channel late at night when no one is watching. I am a huge fan of these movies, as they make me laugh histerically. This movie has a “One Star” rating on Netflix, but that’s probably because it’s impossible to rate movies at “Zero Stars”.

In-Depth Discussion

In a swift opening montage, it is hastily explained that giant alien robots have come to Earth, blown up everything, and forced humans to begin living underground in fear. Then 400 years pass… just roll with it. This backstory was glossed over very quickly, but NEVER FEAR, I’m sure all will be cleared up in the much anticipated prequel film to come named Transmorphers 2 – Fall of Man. This upcoming thriller will make everything clear, and go in depth into the tragedies of those days.

As our film opens, we see people watching monitoring equipment that looks like the Pacman arcade game, who declare that “there’s movement on the green border.” Their incredulous supervisor demands them to check the readings again, but after being confirmed, he lets out a dramatic, “…I’ll be damned!” This sets the tone for the hilarity that is to ensue for the next hour or so.

The special effects are laughable in this film. I would compare it to early PlayStation One games, but I think that would be insulting to the PlayStation. The robots in this movie are ridiculous, and add to the air of comedic genius this movie exudes.

In short, this movie is awful, but in a good way. Make sure to stock up on your beverage of choice beforehand, as you’ll most likely need it to make it to the end. Given the choice between this movie and Transformers 2, I’d watch this one. It doesn’t take itself seriously, and it’s free to watch on Netflix Watch Instantly.

Casual Observations

• In one scene, an automatic door opens with a sci-fi “whoosh” noise. Upon the character’s exit, the doors close again to the same sound… well at least half of it closes… and the other half closes a second later with no sound effects. I had to pause the film to laugh.
• Another moment of greatness for the film was the revelation that the main character, who is spoken of as a maverick renegade who is reckless and can’t be trusted, but is the best chance they have of surviving, must be awakened from cryogenic freeze.
• Of COURSE the nerdy scientist has reverse-engineered the robot technology only to create a hot android for himself, why wouldn’t he?

Again this is too good…

This actually might be way more blatant than the Up knock off I posted. Apparently the company who makes this film are called The Asylum and they only make what people are calling “Knockbusters.” Basically lets capitalize on something thats popular and make it extrememely bad.

Heres the trailer, its real. Though I really wish it wasn’t.

Source

The trailer for Mega Shark Versus Giant Octopus has become a bit of a YouTube sensation. Apparently someone mentioned the movie on MTV, and now the trailer is closing in on a half-million views.

It’s not hard to see why. The film contains four ingredients that, taken separately, would contribute to the success of any movie. All together, they are undeniable. Those ingredients are:

• A mega shark
• A giant octopus
• Lorenzo Lamas
• Deborah “Debbie” Gibson

If all that doesn’t immediately trigger the thought in your head that this may be the greatest movie ever made, then you should probably go to the doctor because you may, in fact, be a zombie (please don’t eat the doctor).

Mega Shark versus Giant Octopus is from the infamous production company, the Asylum. MS v. GO does not fall into the category, but the Asylum’s specialty is “mockbusters.” A mockbuster is a low-budget film that is similar to a major release and released around the same time in order to capitalize on the existing publicity. For example, when the Stephen Spielberg adaptation of War of the Worlds came out, the Asylum released H.G. Wells’ War of the Worlds to DVD the day before (the book both are based on is in the public domain).

The folks at The Asylum have been quite clever in using (free) literary sources. To cash in on Pirates of the Carribean: Dead Man’s Chest, they released Pirates of Treasure Island, an adaptation of Robert Louis Stevenson’s Treasure Island. When Peter Jackson’s remake of King Kong was released, they put out King of the Lost World, based on Arthur Conan Doyle’s The Lost World, only with a giant ape in place of the dinosaurs. (This also serves as a tip of the hat to Willis C. O’Brien, who did the stop-motion animation for the 1925 version of The Lost World before doing the same for the original version of King Kong).

They even hearkened back to a previous generation of “tie-ins” (as they call them at the Asylum) by releasing Alan Quatermain and the Temple of Skulls at the same time as Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. Children of the ’80s may recall that H. Rider Haggard’s adventurer had previously been used as an Indiana Jones stand-in in Cannon Films’ King Solomon’s Mines and Allen Quatermain and the Lost City of Gold.

But literary inspiration is not required at the Asylum. Their other productions include Snakes on a Train, The 9/11 Commission Report (to capitalize on the heavily-publicized, excellent, and suppressed miniseries The Path to 9/11), The Day the Earth Stopped, and what may be my favorite movie title of all time, Transmorphers. When I stumbled across the existence of Transmorphers, I laughed for about ten minutes straight.

Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen is being released in a few weeks. The Asylum will, of course, be releasing Transmorphers: The Fall of Man at roughly the same time. Awesome!

I haven’t seen any of these movies, although quite a few Asylum films air on the Sci-Fi Channel so that little problem should be corrected before too long. Don’t worry–I will be armed with plenty of beer so my sanity should remain intact.

Postscript: Here is a New York Times article on the Asylum and mockbusters.

]]> http://pavelware.wordpress.com/2009/02/27/67-the-smiliest-man-in-belfast/ Fri, 27 Feb 2009 23:42:19 +0000 Matthew Alexander Patton http://pavelware.wordpress.com/2009/02/27/67-the-smiliest-man-in-belfast/

I’ve spent some time restructuring Mind Dump into the workings of an online ‘zine, and hopefully in its new guise it will give you some exposure and insight into a few different areas that would otherwise go unnoticed – or not, you know…it might end up as a damp linguistic squib.

To kick things off over the next few weeks I’ll be having informal sit downs with music enthusiasts Rory McConnell and Jim Gellatly on the audio front – giving us their views on the local music scene in their respective areas, and perhaps we’ll get a look into the world of broadcasting with the BBC?

Following that are interviews with London based cinematographer Adam Etherington, Californian film maestro Jason Bognacki and Northern Irish producer Chris Martin (not that one) as well as an exclusive interview with Paul Bales from The Asylum – better known as the cult production company behind straight to DVD features Transmorphers, Snakes On A Train and The Terminators.

First up however, I am pleased to say, is an intimate encounter of the kind only the cold distance of an email server could provide. Singer/Songwriter John Gribbin lends us five minutes of his time to tell us about supporting The Script, the benefits of DIY recording, and most importantly…pleasing female fans.

by Gerardine Gribbin

Thanks for your time John. How does it feel, having such a positive appraisal of your music to date?

It’s great! To be honest I am only trying to write music that I like, and it is a bonus for me if someone else likes it. In my short time of really pushing this…music thing, I have received nothing but good responses from people; be it on MySpace, at gigs, or on radio, so it’s all good.

You’ve even had positive attention from as far afield as California…

Yeah, that’s a bit of a mad one…it really shows the power of sites like MySpace and more importantly the power of the Irish charm!

What was it like having your work syndicated by RTE?

Really great! I can’t stress to you enough how good it felt to sit down on an October evening with a cup of tea in my hand, turn on RTE1 to watch Aisling’s Diary; and hear my wee roughly recorded tune This Corner Of The Room blasting on the soundtrack. It was a bit surreal to be honest, one of those opportunities that comes around when you least expect it. I had just seen a competition on the RTE website and my song ended up being picked from the thousands of entries.

The Rural Key Project run by the Glasgowbury Music Group has been very beneficial for you, can you tell us a bit about it?

The Rural Key Project is more or less a group of like minded singers, songwriters and bands all sitting down together every Saturday morning with some tutors and good friends discussing different aspects of the music industry. It is organised by local legend Paddy Glasgow and a group of his friends, and it is held in the Cornstore in Draperstown.

What is so cool about The Rural Key Project is that there is no strict format. There are key areas covered during the year – for example how to make a press pack, how to talk to a sound man, song writing techniques, live recording – although some days you land in and it is decided that for that day certain people will be paired together and asked to work on a tune. Which is great because many people like myself had never tried co-writing before and I have found it very rewarding. It was a great thing for me to look forward to as last year I was living in the rural area surrounding Castledawson, which is not exactly a hub for music! At the end of the year we all head into a studio and make an album together.

Last year was my first year on The Rural Key Project, and it was my first time in a recording studio so I really appreciate the opportunities that I have been given by Paddy and the team. Anyone who wants to join shouldn’t hesitate.

Obviously, your brother Ciaran’s (Joe Echo, to the uninformed) style of music has rubbed off on you a little – has it inspired you to take a more hands on approach in the development of your work, particularly the recording?

Ye’ know too much…lol. Yeah you’re right there. For as long as I have been writing music I have always been fortunate enough to have been given hand-me-downs by Ciaran. From the old dodgy cassette 4-track on which I did my first recordings, to an old beat up Macbook and a Pro Tools M-Box which up until very recently I had been demoing all my songs with. Just recently I have bought myself a new Macbook, updated my Pro Tools software and for the past few months I have just been immersed in it!

Although it can be a bit of a slow process at times (as I am by no means an expert on the use of Pro Tools), there is something very special about being able to work on your music in the confines of your bedroom. At the end of the day everyone who writes music wants it to sound like they want it to; and for me to hire a studio, spend a fortune, and be under pressure to finish a song in a day…I dont think I could get the songs to sound exactly like I want them to. Another perk for me is that with a home studio, and Pro Tools 8, I can do all pre-production of my songs at home, and if I want to record drums, a choir or a forty piece orchestra (…I wish!) then the session that I’m working on is completely compatible with all commericial studios and can be loaded into their system.

It does cost money to set yourself up at home with Pro Tools (or a similar set up) but I would certainly recommend investing in it.

I understand you’ve got some new material on the boil?

I have been kicking around for a bit, and have yet to actually release an E.P. So at the minute I am recording, and I have lined up a day’s mixing with a top producer at the end of March, so all being well it should be printed and ready to rock at the start of April.

You and Ciaran supported The Script in Belfast last December, did that generate any new fans for you?

Myself and Ciaran played in front of 6000 people over three consecutive nights, I certainly hope so!

That really was pretty special, it was the first time that I have ever been asked for an autograph, so it was a pretty weird experience. The Script’s fan base is mostly made up of young girls, and we went down a complete storm every night of the tour – it took me a good few weeks to take the smile off my face, which was hard for me because according to Gerry Norman (ed: front man for rock outfit A Plastic Rose) I am “…the smiliest’ man in Belfast.”

It’s hard to complain about an army of female fans. What has been the highlight for you so far?

Other than playing with The Script, I would have to say last year’s Glasgowbury Music Festival! Anyone who has not made the trek to Draperstown needs their head examined. The vibe at this place cannot be described, it was a complete honour for me to be granted an opportunity to play – and like most local bands I know of I too have my application in again for this year.

Do you pay much attention to who’s landing awards, or gaining contracts, is that something you keep an eye on?

Not really to be honest. The music industry is something that I find quite scary. I am of the mentality that people should write and record music that they are happy with and that they are proud of – however if someone like Jools Holland wants a piece of the John Gribbin cake then I’ll get the tea on.

Is there any place in particular you’d like your work to take you to?

I’ve been giving serious thought to travelling recently. I wouldn’t mind maybe looking into doing a few gigs in America, even for a couple of months. I must throw Barack (ed: Obama) a text and see if he has a sofa I can kip on!

What song are you listening to the most at present?

The debut E.P from Clown Parlour has, for quite some time, been blowing my mind. It is Michael Mormecha’s (ed: of MojoFURY fame) creation, and I can’t get enough. It was the soundtrack in the car on the last tour I did with my brother, and there is hardly a day goes past that I dont find myself humming Stark.

Please check out Clown Parlour on MySpace if you get a chance.

Official MySpace – John Gribbin

John is a young musician I can safely say is one of my favourites locally. A shy charmer, who writes songs you could cuddle; all delivered with a soft voice that you don’t have to strain to hear. Proof, if ever it were needed, that melodic, slow and simplistic music can be utterly fantastic. Often have I had it mentioned to me that he has the potential to be a great songwriter, and I can’t see any reason to disagree.

Gathering Dust was my first brush with John back at Glasgowbury last July - and in the time since, his talent for direct, stripped down music (soul baring stuff some might say) has drawn me back constantly to further mine his growing collection of beautiful material. Good Will Out, You Stand Tall and This Corner Of The Room are all songs that show off John’s ability to create a sense of narrative in his music, and surely his own story isn’t about to end yet.

– John can next be seen gracing the stage on the 15th of March at The Roost, Belfast.

While searching Netflix for a horrible Sci-Fi movie to add to my insta-watch queue (I settled on Waterworld, btw), I came across Transmorphers, a film from 2007 that is totally not playing off Transformers‘ success. Oh man, it looks bad:

I really like awful films.

There is this film company called The Asylum. As is customary for film companys, they produce films. Unlike your standard Paramount or Sony however, The Asylum produces films that score near the bottom of the cinematic bell curve. I suppose it would be charitable to say that they produce B movies but I seem to be fresh out of charity at the moment so I will say that what they really produce are cheap and often bile curdlingly terrible facsimiles of “real” movies. They see a film with huge pre-release buzz like “Snakes On A Plane” and rush production on a film called “Snakes On A Train”, which they release well in advance or around the same time as the release of the actual film. I’m not sure if the plan is to capitalize on the buzz or to simply rope in some stupid clod not discerning enough to know the difference, but either way it appears to be working because they continue, unabated, to release them.

Which brings me to “Transmorphers”.

Yes, the film is called “Transmorphers” and it preempted the release of “Transformers” by a good two weeks or so. The plot has to do with the human race being driven to the edge of extinction by an army of transmorphing robots. Writing the word transmorphing amuses me to no end.

transmorphing.transmorphing.transmorphing.

At any rate…..

The remains of the human race, played of course by the handful of , and I use this term in only the loosest possible way, actors, that they could afford. have had enough and can’t stands it no more so they spend the remainder of the film planning to fight back.

That’s really about all. They do attempt to stage some type of counterattack/supply search/scouting-thing, but it goes badly and the (giggle) transmorphers appear and attack and transmorph and generally ruin the days of everyone involved with the planning.

I imagine you’d like to know about the robots? Certainly. They are poorly rendered killbots of the bipedal variety that can fly. The real fun comes when they transmorph.

transmorph.transmorph.transmorph.

You see, the entire transformation basically equates to them kneeling down a bit while a large gun folds down over their head. Then they shoot. This would all be fine if they weren’t already highly mobile flying robots that carry laser guns, but being that they are indeed highly mobile flying robots carrying laser guns the entire thing seems pointless and self-defeating. They basically transform into a laser gun.
Of course the humans all have laser guns too, or at least we are led to believe as such. You see, the FX department didn’t render all of the gunfire, so sometimes you have several people onscreen shaking their guns and grimacing for no apparent reason while others fire little zeechy snowflakes.

Does this make the film bad? Yes it does, which is one of the reasons I enjoyed it so much. I laughed hysterically for pretty much the duration of the film. Through my tearstained eyes I could just make out the blurry visage of my viewing companion sitting slack jawed and staring at me with disdain.

It was all great fun.

As for “Transformers”, which I had not watched until just tonight, it was pretty much awesome. I realize that a great many people were not impressed. There were many valid criticisms leveled at the film and the arrogant ass that directed it, but once you move past that what you have is an absolutely beautiful two hours filled with giant, lovingly rendered robots destroying buildings and each other in slow motion with latin choirs chanting in the background which, with very few exceptions, is always a good thing.

Os filmes da Asylum, não só muito parecidos, em muitos casos, são cópias mesmo. Há casos de apenas o nome ou o poster ser copiado, ja em outros o nome é parecido com uma sutil modificação. Também há casos do nome e capa iguais com enrredo totalmente diferente.

Vamos aos mais piratas legais.

Exorcista – A Possessão de Gail Bowers (Exorcism – The possession of Gail Bowers)

Quem seria Gail Bowers?

Olha, pra falar essa verdade, a capa desse ta mais parecida com o Exorcismo de Emily Rose, do que a propria capa original, sem brincadeira.

O Fim do mundo (The Apocalypse)

Impacto Profundo

 Impacto Profundo é o primo não tão rico do Armaggedon com Bruce Willis, mas eu achei igualmente legal quiçá melhor. Lembro que fui sozinho ao cinema assisti-lo cheio de pipoca de chocolate e pepsi-cola de 1 litro, eita Shopping de Guarulhos bão demais da conta sô!

Soldados Universais (Universal Soldiers)

Jean-Claude Van Damme e Duken Nuken Dolph Lundgren, quem sera que pode bater essa dupla?

Eu, meu irmão Robson e meu primo Tiago Chinho, assistimos essa pérola milhões de vezes, esse e aquele “O Homem da Califórnia” que na minha opinião é o melhor filme de Brendan Fraser depois de “O Endiabrado”.

Olha, pra bater Van Damme e o Dragon Dolph Lundgren tem que ser uma dupla cavalar, eu tenho uma sugestão: Um deles deve ser Mark Dacascos, se não for, perderam uma oportunidade de ouro.
Perceba que a unica diferença dos titulos é a letra ”S” no final da palavra Soldier, que transforma “Soldado Universal” em “Soldados Universais”, ah! malandro!

Corredores Mortais (Death Racers)

Carro amarelo, confere.

 Esse sim deve ser um filmaço, eu não vi Speed Racer, nem Death Racers, sempre Achei o desenho Speed Racer muito chato, mas muita gente gosta. Logo creio que eu só achei chato pq quando assistia a animação já estava datada pois éra mais velho que minha propria existência, então Proximo.

A Guerra dos Mundos (The War of the Worlds)

A guerra dos mundos é do Tom Cruse ou do HG Wells? Fica aí a dúvida.

 Como essa é uma obra velha, creio que os direitos autorais ja tenham sido expirados, a Asylum fez até uma continuação que se chama “Guerra dos mundos: A Segunda Onda” (War of the worlds: The Second Wave). Tom Cruse deve estar revirando no tumulo muito contente com a inspiração que ele deu a outros autores. Porém o pouco que vi desse “pirata” da Guerra dos Mundos, percebi que o negocio rola numa ação sem freios, basta assistir e ver quem é o melhor. Esse é dureza!

Sunday School Musical (Escola musical dominical “!?!?”)

Escola de domingo...hmmmm

Olha, sinceramente eu nunca me interessei muito por “High School Musical”, mas sei que é um sucesso e a molecadinha adora. Mas fico imaginando o que seria Sunday School Musica, talvez uma escola na igreja, canto dominical, será?

O Tesouro de DaVinci (The DaVinci Treasure)

Vince era o nome da cidade aonde Nasceu Leonardo, sabia dessa?

 A curadora do museu é assassinada, mas pérae, não éra um curador? “O Tesouro de DaVinci” (DaVinci Treasure) vem na cóla de “O Código DaVinci” (The DaVinci Code). Como sera o nome do personagem principal? Josef Langdon?

O Dia em que a terra parou (The day the earth STOPPED)

Cade o NEO???

 ”The day the erath stopped”, seria assim que você imaginaria a tradição para o antigo filme “O Dia em que a terra parou” certo? Errado. O nome correto em inglês é “The Day the earth stood still” é galera, esse mata até o cara mais culto e que sabe ingles, faz o cara pegar o filme na locadora e ficar cara de bunda achando que é a mega produção que vai ser lançada em 12 de Dezembro desse ano com o Mr Anderson NEO Keanu Reeves.

Viagem ao centro da terra (Journey to the center of the earth)

viagem

Esse eu tentei ver, mas sinceramente desfaleci (a versão Hoolywoodiana) mas cá entre nós, junto com Guerra dos Mundos e Vinte mil égua sobre marina léguas submarinas trata-se daquele “esquema” de historias velhas que são legais, então acho que os direitos ja expiraram e ninguem é de ninguém.

Piratas da ilha do tesouro (Pirates of the Treasure island)

Jonny Dep com 153 anos

 Esse eu não tenho nem palavras, esse foi mestre!!!

Corredor de rua “ou” Racha/Pega (Street Racer)

Tapa no careca!

A capa desse chega a enganar mesmo, é de uma má fé criatividade incrível!. Nesse filme nós não temos o careca Vin Diesel e o lorinho Paul Walker mas parece que a qualidade do filme é a mesma, ou seja tão bom quanto

Transmorfers (Transmorphers)

Trans... trans... nutri ti tri... fers... err..

Leia direito, não é Transformers e sim Transmorphers, de morfar, saca? Tipo “Ta na hora de morfar” . Quando eu vi isso, quase cai para tras, o trailer é ainda mais impressionante! Ainda não tive a oportunidade de assiti-lo, se é que um dia eu terei, mas no Trailer podemos ver que os efeitos são pra la de toscos.

Eu sou o Ômega (I am the Omega)

Essa é a lenda!!!

 Quero ver se alguem adivinha! dificil né? Esse sim é daqueles casos de plagio total. “Eu sou o Ômega” é com o futuro Super Astro (encare “futuro” do mesmo jeito que a frase “Brasil é o país do futuro”) Mark Dacascos, ele mesmo, O Corvo, o “Porra capoeira mestre” no filme “Esporte Sangrente” (Não lembra né?, é aquele filme de capoeira) aonde o vilão do filme é o mesmo ator que faz o Malfoy pai em Harry Potter e a PQP. Esse é um pareo duro para Will Smith, ou sera que não?

Alien vs Caçador (Alien vs Hunter)

Não éra Versus Predador?

Quem adivinha? isso mesmo, esse é o Alien vs Predador deles, a muito tempo atras, eu vi na TV Record um filme parecido demais com o Predador, daqueles de tão parecido que a inspiração deve ser levada aos tribunais sabe?. Naquele filme, esse mesmo bicho da capa (o do lado direito) aterrorizaca um canastrão em uma floresta. Eu me lembro que ele ficava invisivel e que tinha uma mira laser, mas acho que éra apenas de 1 ponto e não de 3 pontos como a mira do predador. Ja esse Alien, eu nunca tinha visto.

Em muitos casos, para não dizer 100% deles, os filmes da Asylum saem antes dos filmes de Hollywood parecendo que eles são originais e os outros as cópias. Esses mesmos filmes saem somente para a TV e para as Locadoras.

Erinnert Ihr Euch noch an den Beitrag über Pornofilme, die zumindest im Titel gewisse Ähnlichkeiten zu Hollywoodblockbustern haben? Falls nicht, hier isser. Allerdings kommt sowas tatsächlich nicht nur bei Pornofilmen vor. Wir alle kennen sicherlich Beispiele für billig produzierte Filme, die sich thematisch nahe an einem Blockbuster halten. Aber das Studio “The Asylum”, 1997 gegründet, macht dies mit einer seltenen Dreistigkeit. Es gibt sogar schon einen Begriff dafür: Mockbuster.

Fangen wir mal mit einem ganz aktuellen Beispiel an: Richard Mathesons Science-Fiction/Vampir Geschichte “I Am Legend” wurde bislang drei Mal lizensiert und verfilmt. 1964 unter dem Titel “The Last Man On Earth”, 1971 als “The Omega Man” und zuletzt 2007 unter dem Originaltitel. The Asylum dreht “I Am Omega” mit Marc ” bitte gebt mir ‘nen Job” Dacascos.

Sieht doch klasse aus, oder?

Okay, weiter geht’s: was gab es nicht für einen Hype um “The DaVinci Code”. Natürlich musste Asylum da mitmischen: “The DaVinci Treasure”

Oh Gott, da spielt Lance Henriksen mit. Jetzt bin ich deprimiert.

Mir fällt nichts ein, was ich zu “Snakes On A Train” sagen könnte.

“Transmorphers” vom Titel her ein “Transformers” Klon, vom Trailer her eher ein Terminator Ripoff:

Ihr könnt gerne nach weiteren Trailern suchen. Hier noch ein paar Titel, samt Vorlage:

Dragon – Eragon

Alien vs. Hunter – Sollte klar sein

Monster – Cloverfield

100 Million BC – 10.000 Bc

Pirates of Treasure Island – Pirates of the Caribbean

The Asylum hat für die Produktion seiner direkt auf DVD erscheinenden Filme vom Bekanntwerden des Films bis möglichst wenige Tage vor Veröffentlichung des Originals, Zeit die Filme zu schreiben, zu casten, zu drehen, nachzuproduzieren etc. Man könnte jetzt sagen, dafür sieht es garnicht mal schlecht aus. Aber wofür braucht man diese Filme, wenn es die Originale gibt? An wen wenden sie sich? An Menschen, die zu blöd sind sich den Originaltitel zu merken? Die zu naiv sind um zu glauben, es könne einen Film mit ähnlichem Titel und baugleicher Handlung geben? Das Schlimme ist, es scheint eine große Menge solcher Menschen zu geben. Sonst würde es nicht so viele dieser Filme geben.

Irgendwie haben es die Leute, die diese Filme ansehen oder ausleihen ja auch nicht anders verdient. Ganz anders beim nächsten Mal, wenn Kinder und wohlmeinende Großmütter ausgenommen werden sollen.