The last few days have been quite demanding physically. I have moved the majority of my earthly possessions to my new home and tomorrow i will be joined by a handful of friends and together we will finish the business by moving the heavy items that take two or more people to move. Tonight i am really sore in my knees and feet from all the moving and from having to spend the day on my feet working as staff support for a youth event. Staff support for me usually means setting up, making food, taking pictures and cleaning up. I am wiped out and i want to go directly to bed but i can’t do that yet. I still have to pack a few items before the crew comes tomorrow.

I have to do that packing tonight because the morning is taken up already. It will be Saturday morning and that means the weekly weigh-in and meeting. I’m afraid this will be a definite bad news week for my weight. Thanksgiving dinner plus packing up my kitchen (which meant eating out) plus Friday’s youth oriented food (including many snacks in which i indulged) plus not as much exercise plus poor food tracking (due to the major disruption of moving) will all show up in tomorrow’s number when i step on the scale. I anticipate a weight gain of between 1.5 to 2.0 pounds.

I will not help my cause by what i am now about to do. I have decided to have a small celebration. Why? Because tonight will be my last night as a resident of Bellevue, WA. This is my last night of sleeping in Bellevue. tomorrow is the official end. “Bellevuarian Captivity” is over and the exile comes back to the Promised Land.

“When the Lord brought back the captives to Zion, then were we like those who dream; Then was our mouth filled with laughter and our tongue with shouts of joy.” Psalm 126:1-2

Because it is a holiday weekend, I have spent the last two days around my family, including my parents, brother, and extended family. I never been incredibly close with my family, so I don’t spend a lot of time with them, and since I am often surrounded by progressive/feminist/activist/LGBTQQI/sex-positive/etc. friends and other folks at school, it’s always kind of disheartening when I leave the haven of this bubble. I hate to call it a bubble because it’s not like we as a community are oblivious to the thoughts, beliefs, and lives of people who don’t share our political beliefs, but sometimes to me it feels like a comfortable, cozy bubble, which is both a good and a bad thing.

It is not even as if I deal with a constant barrage of overtly sexist, racist, classist, homophobic, conservative and/or fundamentalist bullshit- my family (minus my neo-con, Fox News loving brother) is relatively liberal and they (even my brother, to a certain extent) are pretty accepting of my political views and activism/organizing. I make my dedication to reproductive rights no secret, and have no qualms discussing my feminist views and activism with my family. But I have observed things this weekend that have made me incredibly uncomfortable, and I share this because I’m sure some of you have seen the same, as it is the weekend of a capitalist, hetero-normative, materialistic, racist, and overall problematic holiday. The first instance came when my mother took no time to inquire about my sexuality due in part to my short hair, decision to take more women’s studies classes, friends, and activism. I told her that it was wrong to attempt to determine my sexuality on the basis of these things because there is no right or correct way for a female or queer person to be.

Later on at my uncle and aunt’s house, I observed my aunt doing ALL the cooking, serving, tending to everyone, cleaning up of messes, fixing of desert and coffee, etc. Once dinner was done, the men cleared out to buy cigars, and the women were left to clean up after them. The only other women there either were not physically able to offer assistance (my grandmother) or off doing kid things (my 11 year old cousin), so I stayed around to help her clean the dishes, put away leftovers, etc. I had absolutely no problem helping her with this, but the fact that this was seen as HER job and HER task without question made me feel pretty ill. Additionally, I see the way her husband talks down to her or talks over her- and for that matter, the way my step-father dominates conversations with my mother, the way the men in my family sometimes talk over me, and the fact that this shit happens all the time and it sucks and people need to stand up and say something when it happens around them. I see the way her contribution to the family is taken for granted, the way her personality and dreams and hopes are meshed with her husband’s or diminished all together (when I asked how the music store she owns with my uncle is doing, she answered by telling me how busy my uncle was without even mentioning her role), and it makes my heart hurt for her. I don’t want to spout feminist theory at her, I don’t care if she ever reads feminist theory or anything related to gender politics, I just want her to have her own dreams and life and happiness and desires independent from her husband, from her family, from what society tells her she should and shouldn’t feel and do and think.

Back to my little cousin- she is by far the coolest kid I know. She’s super smart, ambitious, and reads 5 books at a time while playing an instrument and getting A’s in school and doing science fair projects. She is cool as shit, and although she’s young, I’ve been trying to slowly introduce her to ideas of gender, feminism, and her role as a woman in a patriarchal society. But then I look at the shit she watches on TV and the messages about women’s roles and gender she gets fed on a daily basis. She just had on a show in which the woman (the wife, I presume) stands in the kitchen with whom I presume is her husband, and laments about how she’s finished everything on her list, is bored because she has nothing to do now that she’s cooked and cleaned and served her family (she doesn’t use the word “serve,” but that’s what it is), and proceeds to ask her husband if he wants sex. And I look at the toys my cousin has in her room- everything is pink and flowery; she has doll houses with big laundry rooms and kitchens so that little girls know their role from early on, which is to be a servant available to tend the house and the family 24/7. And I question if my perceptions of gender are completely wrong, if maybe the self-realizations I’ve come to and the questions and doubts I’ve had about the construction of gender are completely fucking wrong. And if they’re not, what hope do we have for the future, and what hope do we have for the children growing up in our patriarchal, misogynistic, and fucked up society?

So I jotted down a few things about gender and what I think about it, in light of everything I’ve witnessed this weekend, and I wanted to share it with some folks to see what other people think. And for the record, I am a white, cis-gendered female from a middle-class background who despite not being 100% heterosexual (like the majority of folks, I’m certain), has lived with and continues to live with hetero-privilege.

WHAT IS GENDER?

In my opinion (and this definition is quite simplified and can and should be added on to): A socio-political construct of culturally-approved and endorsed messages and norms about “APPROPRIATE” and “INAPPROPRIATE” attributes for males and females (yes, this follows the gender binary, but I will touch on that below)

What we are generally (and quite consistently) taught about gender (none of which I agree with, but all of which I was taught at some point in my life and continue to see taught to each subsequent generation)

- Our sex identification, as defined by a vagina or a penis, equals our gender identification, in that a vagina denotes a female and a penis denotes a male. Along with this, we are taught that gender is biologically and genetically determined.

* Within this sex-gender binary, there is NO room for anyone who is intersex, transsexual, or crosses/deviates from strict gender and/or sex boundaries in any way, shape, or form.

- Males and females are inherently different from one another, and these differences are innate, biologically and genetically based, and not due to social or cultural influences. This includes our thoughts, emotions, behaviors, sexuality (including sexual orientation, sexual desire, sexual activity, etc.), goals/aspirations (familial, occupational, academic, etc.), desires and needs, physical appearance, personality characteristics, ability, etc.

But but but….I think this is fucking bullshit. And this is why I find these notions of gender to be fucking bullshit (in case you haven’t noticed, I enjoy cursing, which I was told this weekend by my family is not the behavior of a proper lady)

- Males and females are treated differently from DAY ONE. We are pigeonholed and constricted to fit into our gender as defined by our anatomy and genitals, and this includes the surgical modification of intersex infants to be either female or male, because god forbid we do not fit perfectly into neat little boxes labeled “male” or “female”.

- Following this notion, males and females are given completely different toys, clothing, room decorations, are socialized with by adults and caregivers more or less depending on their sex, and are encouraged to exhibit different behaviors- to explore, be adventurous, and playful (males) or to be more stationary, sociable, and calm (females).

- We are REINFORCED by parents, friends, peers, teachers, counselors/psychologists/psychiatrists, etc. when we act in gender/sex appropriate ways, and PUNISHED when we do not. This is why transsexuality is still considered a mental disorder according to the DSM-IV-TR, the diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders, called gender identity disorder and treated as a psychopathology needing intensive therapy and psychiatric medication.

- Gender and sex are, in especially crude and arbitrary manners, one of the first and most salient identifiers we use to categorize people and process information about them. Even infants are able to, on a basic level, distinguish between sexes by length of hair (females = long hair, males = short hair). We form mental concepts and ideas of what a “male” is and what a “female” is very early on, before we understand the few actual differences between males and females (anatomy, genitalia, reproductive capabilities).

 - We are ENCOURAGED to categorize people and differentiate them by gender and sex, although this is not generally the case with other facets of identity (and this is definitely something that can be argued, since racism/classism is just as prevalence as sexism and misogyny, but I mean in terms of what you would see in the average classroom), and the same could be said for sexuality. It is still quite acceptable to call someone your “gay” friend, or your “guy” friend (instead of just your fucking friend, jesus christ I hate this shit), but you might get some looks calling someone your “black” friend. I think the classroom example works well- you might still see boys and girls split up in teams against one another, or lines/clubs/etc. social grouping by gender, but you probably wouldn’t see a teacher tell kids to separate into groups based on their race.

As I see it, differential treatment of the sexes and genders, and having ideas of what is appropriate or expected of someone based on their gender and/or sex, hinders the unity and liberation of all.

And back to my observations of Thanksgiving, has anyone else seen the Second Shift still prevalent in their lives, the lives of the women they know and love, etc.? Why do women still bear the burden of childcare, cooking, cleaning, eldercare, grocery shopping, laundry, emotional support, etc.?

I love, love, love this blog, have enjoyed all the wonderful posts, and appreciate anyone who took the time to read this. Hope everyone has had a great holiday weekend thus far!

Aliya

College Park

by Brianna Austin

	Brianna Austin.

If in fact being transgender is a biological trait, like having blue eyes or blond hair, does that relieve us of this heavy load?

What if it came to light that you really weren’t a woman in spirit? That none of this transgender life is about “being” a woman in a man’s body, but rather just thinking you were? And what if that thought (of being and feeling female) was biologically “hard wired” into your brain? How would that make you feel? Are you happy that this can no longer be considered an action of choice, or does it make you sad knowing that “being wired biologically” means it is likely something you will never be able to change?

Most of us have spent our entire lives wondering, “What’s wrong with me?” And then after decades of purge and repeat behaviour, mixing shame, guilt and the need to search our soul for the truth of these internal feelings of self identity, some of us have slowly learned to accept in ourselves that which society often mocks, or worse, condemns. If in fact being transgender is a biological trait, like having blue eyes or blond hair, does that relieve us of this heavy load?

Transsexuals, prior to Gender Re-assignment Surgery (GRS), have often described themselves as woman trapped in the body of a man. And although I feel the same way — and used that explanation as the best analogy to explain what being transgender felt like — I still could never reconcile what that really meant beyond theory in my own mind. When we say, “I am a woman,” are we referring to the current essence of our soul? Or perhaps we have the memories from a previous female life existence? Or is our (societies) notion of life and existence simply wrong, and gender expression merely another form of experience as I have previously explored.

Abstract thoughts like these fascinate me, and I actively participate in “what if” scenarios all the time. But beyond the rhetoric of the conversation, what does any of it mean in the practical sense?

I have friends that have transitioned and currently live the fulltime lives of the woman they have become. But were they woman all along? Some say yes, while others say no. Transsexuals (often thought of as those that have graduated transgender camp) are split in two on the issue and have drawn a line in the sand. There are two common positions that have been recited to me repeatedly:

• 1. Some say that they were transgender woman when they were women living in a man’s body, but post-op no longer are, suggesting that now they are simply women, no different than any other biological woman, and therefore, no longer trans.
  2. Others identify as women, but recognize that the mere fact that they were born into a male body makes them different from a biologically born female.

For the sake of this article let’s refer to them both by the acronym “WODO” (Woman of a different origin).

A biological female has lived her whole life female. Beginning from early childhood she evolved through adolescence into adulthood. Many WODO’s on the other hand simply “become” woman midstream. Does this make a difference? Some WODO’s will argue that they have been women since birth, just trapped in a male body due to a cosmic mistake. Did being predominately male (even if they were just pretending and playing the part) have an impact on the woman they are to become?

Another position by some WODO’s is that they can never really be 100% woman (even though they have an almost exact replica of a female body to accompany their female mind and spirit), because they didn’t have the life experience of a woman. They certainly are no longer male and therefore, by default, are transsexual women.

It has been theorized for some time that being transgender and/or homosexual, is something you are born with, not something you learn, or acquire a taste for (no pun intended.) Recently, scientific reports are emerging that support these theories, linking transsexualism to biological conditions that occur during the “hormone spray,” in the womb. In 1995 Dutch researchers discovered that a structural difference existed within the brains of men and (M>F) transsexuals. A small cluster of cells in the brain — the bed nucleus of the stria terminalis (BST) – is smaller in transsexuals (as it is in women) than in men.

Researchers also announced links between certain genes and sexual orientation, which it says is also hard wired into the brain. Perhaps with the advances of medical sciences, we will come to know for sure the reason for our actions. So in the future when people say, “How come you are transgender, we can simply say, “Because I was just born that way.”

As always, be happy, be safe, and think pretty.

About the writer:

Brianna Austin is co-author of “I’d Do It Again,” a free lance writer, and publisher of TG Life, LINK, a website by, for and about the transgender community.

Become a member of The Canadian Tgirl Newspaper, with your donation-pledge. Help support independent, progressive, and not-for-profit journalism.

Um, if Rajon Rondo isn’t a tranny, I’m not Black.

Laura Hope describes the ‘hounds’ in her life:

I can hear the hounds in the distance

In the last 2+ weeks i have had more thrills out and about that i could have imagined, while doing almost nothing remarkable – just living.

But since I went into this essentially full time mode, the pressure at home has been dialed up to 11. Whether it’s well meaning relatives telling me to “put my pants on” (she’s a sweetheart, but she thinks she’s thinking of what’s best for my family)…

or in-laws who stand a 24 hour watch waiting for her call to be rescued from “this mess”…

or her repeating the same discussion every night that veers wildly from “I don’t see how we can make it” to “it’ll all work out” and from “I didn’t marry you for a sister” to “if we’re going to be roommates we can take the rings off” (which is to say, a lot of conflicting and contradictory statements and signals within the same conversation)…

or the most recent tactic of saying “I ask the kids how they felt and they don’t like it either” (they won’t talk to me about it) and “they need a daddy, you are taking their daddy away from them”…

it all makes me think of myself as an escapee who’s not really and truely free because the bloodhounds can be heard in the distance.

It’s like being a runaway slave – even though I’m “free”…I keep thinking the bounty hunter is just around the next corner, ready to put the chains back on.

What’s worse, I can feel myself tiring of the pursuit….my knees getting weak. Feeling the temptation to just lie down in the ditch and let them find me. Drag me back to the cell. Worse, throw me in “the hole” for even attempting escape (i.e. go through life knowing everyone not only knows what’s inside, but knows I’m so weak i can’t even follow through on such a blatant coming out)

the main argument I’m making to her now is that even if she thinks i broke it, the peices don;t go together anymore – I might have been able to muddle through the next 20 years never knowing how good this feels – but now i know.

she and the rest of them would certainly have gone on thinking I was a rather drab and unremarkable little man of no accomplishment – but now they know I’m a “freak” (in their view) and they can’t “unknow” that. The only thing worse is to see me give up and quit because it’s too hard (all the while telling me what a noble deed it was to “put my family first”)

I don’t fear anything that this coming out brings my way, whether it’s being killed by a hater or rejected by everyone I know – except one thing. I fear discrediting everything I’ve accomplished so far by accepting defeat and de-transitioning.

I’m not sure how long I could keep getting up n the mornings if I did that.

But….I can hear them…and my legs are getting very tired.

Laura Hope

]]> http://tinarussell.wordpress.com/2009/11/25/pronouns-and-the-brutal-power-of-language/ Wed, 25 Nov 2009 20:05:33 +0000 Tina Russell http://tinarussell.wordpress.com/2009/11/25/pronouns-and-the-brutal-power-of-language/

ROME (Reuters) – A Brazilian transsexual caught up in a scandal which prompted the resignation of a senior Italian politician — the center-left governor of Lazio region, which includes Rome — was found burned to death in his home Friday. Police found a body following a fire in a basement flat in a neighborhood frequented by transsexual prostitutes and court sources said magistrates were treating the death as murder.

Forensic tests were expected to identify the remains as those of a transsexual known only as Brenda, police said.

Brenda and another Brazilian transsexual were at the center of a case involving the blackmail of former Lazio Governor Piero Marrazzo by four police officers who secretly filmed him having sex and taking drugs with one of the transsexuals.

via Transsexual in Italian political scandal murdered | International | Reuters.

Here’s what I wrote to Reuters:

I’m upset that you referred to Brenda, the murdered Brazilian transsexual at the center of an Italian political scandal, using male pronouns (“he” and “his”) rather than the correct female pronouns. It was even more shocking to see such direct insult in an article about how she burned to death in a firebombing.

It’s rather terrifying to the transgender community, worldwide, to imagine that our identities will not be respected even after our deaths. I can only hope that tragedies like this, the sadly regular occurrence of transgender people murdered for being honest about who they are, will serve as a wakeup call about the brutal power of language. Organizations like Reuters set the tone for society with their use of language, and differences like “he” and “she” mean the difference between “normal” and “abnormal” (whether or not someone’s gender is “legitimate”), which can mean the difference between life and death.

The Reuters stylebook (thank you for putting it online!) does not directly address transgender pronouns, but here is the advice of the AP stylebook: “Use the pronoun preferred by the individuals who have acquired the physical characteristics of the opposite sex or present themselves in a way that does not correspond with their sex at birth. If that preference is not expressed, use the pronoun consistent with the way the individuals live publicly.” I hope you will use this wise advice in the future. Thank you!

]]> http://blacksissyblog.wordpress.com/2009/11/25/moving-week/ Wed, 25 Nov 2009 19:04:29 +0000 black t-girl http://blacksissyblog.wordpress.com/2009/11/25/moving-week/

Today i begin the real work of moving from Bellevue to Seattle. Actually it started last night. I was up until midnight boxing things up. I hauled 10 boxes of books down to my car and today i’ll drive them over with me at 1pm when i go to sign the lease. A friend who lives on Whidbey is going to be in town today and he has offered to help me move some stuff today. he has an SUV so i hope to do a bunch of the smaller boxes in his vehicle. Hopefully i can get two trips from him before he leaves. Then i will do one more trip by myself. I think that’s all i’ll be able to do today.

On Thursday i plan to do a couple of trips alone before going to Thanksgiving dinner with my boyfriend. I’ll concentrate on moving the clothes, bedding, face cloths, bath towels, and dish towels.

Friday i have an all day event so i’ll do just one trips of odds and ends. That will includes items that i want to transport myself either because they are physically delicate or emotionally precious.

Saturday i crew of about of about 6 will come over and together we’ll clean out the big stuff and that will be the first night i’ll actually sleep in the new house.

Sunday i’ll do a lot house set up and unpacking. That will continue on Monday and most likely into Tuesday. By Wednesday i will have completed the major work of the move and i hope to look around at all that i have done and pronounce it “good.”

I’m not sure but i think all of this will count for exercise. How many Weight Watchers activity points is moving worth?

]]> http://ahgonghippo.wordpress.com/2009/11/26/group-of-transsexual-sex-workers-use-porn-films-to-rob-clients/ Wed, 25 Nov 2009 16:08:38 +0000 ahgonghippo http://ahgonghippo.wordpress.com/2009/11/26/group-of-transsexual-sex-workers-use-porn-films-to-rob-clients/

November 24, 2009 A GROUP of transsexual sex workers in Chow Kit are using pornographic films to distract clients before robbing them, reported Harian Metro.

Members of the group would seduce the victim while another sex worker would try to steal belongings like wallets and handphones.

In a recent incident, a client known as Ping said he was asked to lie on the bed before choosing a free DVD pornographic movie to watch as a “warm-up”.

“The sex worker told me to take off my pants. It was then placed on a chair nearby,” said the 33-year-old chef.

Ping declined to elaborate on what happened next, but said he reached for his pants only to find that his handphone was missing from the pocket when he heard loud noises that sounded like a fight outside the room.

“I was even more surprised to find that my wallet, which was originally in my pocket, was moved to the top of the television set. Some RM400 was also gone,” he said.

After Ping repeatedly demanded the sex worker to return his valuables, she finally agreed to give them back, claiming that her friend had stolen them.

]]> http://graceandwildroses.wordpress.com/2009/11/25/cinnamon-found-in-dead-mtf/ Wed, 25 Nov 2009 04:30:54 +0000 wiserose http://graceandwildroses.wordpress.com/2009/11/25/cinnamon-found-in-dead-mtf/

From philly.com comes the story of a transgender death:

Hamilton, 20, a male-to-female transgender from Little Rock, Ark., died during a spiritual cleansing inside the home of a Camden County voodoo priest on July 10.

Yesterday, the Camden County Prosecutor’s Office said that Hamilton’s death had been accidental, resulting from the combined effects of “physical exhaustion, ambient room temperature and an oxygen-depleted atmosphere.”

The only substance found in Hamilton’s system, her mother said, was cinnamon.

]]> http://eyoki.wordpress.com/2009/11/24/sex-in-the-community/ Tue, 24 Nov 2009 23:44:49 +0000 eyoki http://eyoki.wordpress.com/2009/11/24/sex-in-the-community/

At least twice in the last month i’ve read comments suggesting that there is something deeply insulting about anybody describing themself as attracted to trans men. The implication, i suppose, is that the person is suggesting that trans men are different from men in general – and so aren’t ‘real’ men.

Some trans men get particularly exercised when a woman insists that she is a ‘lesbian’, yet describes herself as attracted to “women and trans men”. I agree this is problematic but the problem belongs to the lesbian in question: how does she reconcile an identity suggesting an attraction exclusively to females with a stated attraction to males? It shouldn’t become ours. In most such cases the woman is bisexual but simply doesn’t want to acknowledge the fact; she’s got a lot invested in her identity as gay, queer, whatever and can’t afford to see it compromised by any suggestion of heterosexuality.

That’s my analysis anyway. I would be very reluctant to enter into a relationship with anyone who ID’d this way, but having issues around your sexuality is hardly a hanging offence.

If anything, we might have a bit of empathy: even in the first decade of the 21^st Century it’s still no picnic to identify as gay. People struggle to feel fully accepted. Can you really blame them then for not wanting to jeopardise their membership of a community where they do feel they belong?

This brings me on to another group of people who may also come to identify as ‘attracted to trans men’. Consider the case of a person – for simplicity’s sake we’ll say a woman* – who has been in a long term relationship with a trans man. During that time she has taken an active role in the community. Her community – because, make no mistake, the FTM community does not consist of trans men alone but also their SOFFAS (horrible acronym!): friends, family and especially… partners. She understands the humour, she speaks the language.

Should that relationship break up is it really so surprising that this woman might seek another relationship with a trans man or even come to think of trans men as the people she’s attracted to? Can she be blamed for wanting to ‘marry within her community**’? Note that, just as the lesbian in the first example risks jeopardising her membership of the lesbian community if she admits an attraction to a trans man, so this lady stands to lose her place in the FTM community once she is no longer in a relationship with an FTM guy. No matter how long she’s been involved with it, no matter how much she’s done for it. Sad but inevitable. Again, how about a little bit of empathy?

And, at the end of the day, if someone does perceive trans men as different from other men, what of it? As long as the difference is a within-group one (trans men are perceived as a subgroup of men with particular qualities), rather than a between-groups distinction (trans men are perceived to be a group in addition to men), then what is the big deal?

* Bio or trans, it makes no difference; because the male and female transsexual communities are different entities in my experience.
** Of course, this does assume her experience of FTM culture was a positive one, which is not something that can be taken for granted in this current climate of buddy-bashing.

]]> http://factcheckme.wordpress.com/2009/11/24/shelley-lubben/ Tue, 24 Nov 2009 20:02:22 +0000 factcheckme http://factcheckme.wordpress.com/2009/11/24/shelley-lubben/

here is a video of ex-porn actor and anti-pornography crusader shelley lubben, sitting in the lobby of the los angeles hotel in which she had turned her first trick (and unintentionally conceived her first child) as a teenaged prostitute.

part 2 is below.

i post these here because, for one thing, i wanted to point out to all the sex-pozzies who frequent my blog that not all sex-workers’ “lived experience” jives with a liberal/libertarian sex-positive agenda, although they really like to pretend otherwise.

but my main point is in regards to personal testimonies, and the fact that many liberal and so-called “fun-fems,” including transpersons and transactivists give tons of credence to sex-workers’ and others’ personal experience, (you know, when this self-reported “lived experience” supports their agenda) and value personal narratives over feminist theory. they also claim that personal narratives of  sex workers and transpersons are inherently feminist, and should be deferred to by feminists in lieu of a critical analysis or examining lived experienced in context.

but feminists who favor theory over experience, or who dissect and examine lived experience in context of feminist theory are the only ones who are being honest, here, arent they?

for example, shelley lubben is an outspoken, anti-pornography and anti-prostitution crusader, who reveals the horrors she experienced while working in the industry for many years.  in a series of video testimonies, she reports that she became impregnated during her first experience with prostitution, and contracted genital herpes on the porn set, among other things.

to a radical feminist like myself, shelley lubben’s story appears to be consistent with my own anti-porn, anti-prostitution stance.  and i was moved greatly by her words, and by her experience of an industry that i fully agree is harmful to women, and anti-feminist.  i have watched these videos over and over, and have been moved to tears, and to write.  were i a fun-fem, my analysis would stop there:  shelley lubben is a feminist, and her testimony is unproblematic!  except that in many ways, thats not the case.  not at all.

because shelley lubben, in addition to whatever else she might be, is also a born-again christian, and therefore anti-feminist by definition.  and indeed, her testimony is anything but feminist. for example, she uses a racist, fake asian “accent” when describing the encounter in which she became pregnant by a “half-chinese half-japanese” john.  and inexplicably, although she herself was a vulnerable teenaged stripper and prostitute, and admits to years of abuse at the hands of men in an exploitative sex industry, she underscores her adoration for her daughter who was conceived during one of the most traumatic experiences of her young life, in a sex-work transaction gone horribly, horribly wrong, by stating that her daughter is “hot!”  how could she refer to her daughter in sexually-objectifying terms, after she had just described the experience of her daughters’ conception in excruciating detail on the video, and her own years of victimization in an industry that sexually objectifies women?  (answer: because shes not a feminist).

she also invokes a decidedly christian sense of guilt and shame for what she “has done”, and for what her daughter experienced early in her young life, when pornographers and boyfriends would drive her daughter to school, as she was too “messed up” on drugs and sleeping too late to be much of a mother to her.  in other videos, she repeatedly refers to herself as a whore.  again, rather than twist the definition of “feminist” to fit shelley lubben and her experiences in the sex industry, where its clearly not warranted, i think a feminist analysis of the female gender role, forced motherhood, anti-abortion and religious rhetoric, and internalized misogyny would be helpful here.

but when it comes to the personal testimonies of sex-workers and transpersons that could be read as favorable to a pro-porn, sex-positive, or other (questionable)agenda, radical feminists and others are expected to accept these stories at face-value without examining them further, and as inherently feminist to boot!  (although it occurs to me that the transactivists and fun-fems would probably have no problem dismissing shelley lubben’s testimony out of hand, because it doesnt jive with their sex pozzie, pro-porn agenda. and they are the ones who supposedly believe that “lived experience” is so important.)

but how does, for example, FTM transsexual and porn-actor “buck angel, the man with a pussy! TM” support specifically feminist ideals (rather than sex-positive ones) when he acts in porn and tells male porn actors and porn consumers to “fuck my hole!” similarly, how are sex-positive MTF transsexuals who do not have female reproductive function unproblematic to feminism, when they support born-womens right to “fuck our way to freedom” in liberal, sex-positive fashion, but they themselves dont suffer the consequences we do to having sex with men, because unlike born-women, transwomen cant get pregnant, and have to constantly penetrate their post-operative neo-vaginas or suffer grave consequences to their health?

radical feminists are bravely examining these personal narratives in context, and are not shying away from a feminist analysis, even when it brings us down on the un-fun side.  anti-porn, anti-sex work radfems might be taking the fun out of feminism, but i personally question when and who decided that feminism should be “fun” in the first place?  somehow, i strongly suspect it was men, as sex-positive, pro-porn fun-feminism benefits only them, in the end.  call me crazy, and call me mean.  but thats not *my* feminism.  it never was.

]]> http://helenhill.wordpress.com/2009/11/24/annual-holiday-party-sunday-dec-6th-los-angeles-gender-center/ Tue, 24 Nov 2009 17:49:48 +0000 helenofpeel http://helenhill.wordpress.com/2009/11/24/annual-holiday-party-sunday-dec-6th-los-angeles-gender-center/

LOS ANGELES GENDER CENTER

Cordially invites you to attend a

HOLIDAY PARTY

WHO: TG/TS Community, Family & Friends

WHEN:  December 6, 2009

TIME:  3:00 PM – 6:00 PM

WHERE: Abbey Café

692 North Robertson Boulevard

West Hollywood, California

(just south of Santa Monica Boulevard)

Hors d’oeuvres and beverages provided

COME CELEBRATE WITH US!

Call 310-475-8880 for more information.

Click to view the invitation on the LAGC website

]]> http://morningquickie.com/2009/11/24/britains-first-transsexual-celebrates-50-years/ Tue, 24 Nov 2009 13:49:53 +0000 am1am2 http://morningquickie.com/2009/11/24/britains-first-transsexual-celebrates-50-years/ http://felizziet.wordpress.com/2009/11/24/srs-timeline/ Tue, 24 Nov 2009 10:00:26 +0000 Ris http://felizziet.wordpress.com/2009/11/24/srs-timeline/ http://becausenooneasked.com/2009/11/24/more-pc/ Tue, 24 Nov 2009 06:17:16 +0000 Michele http://becausenooneasked.com/2009/11/24/more-pc/

You might have thought that political correctness had gone as far as humanly possible.  You’re wrong.

We’ve all heard about transsexuals which are now called transgendered people.

Did you know that if you’re not transgendered then you are cisgendered?

Really.  I can’t make this stuff up.

]]> http://stuffqueerpeopleneedtoknow.wordpress.com/2009/11/23/lamberts-ama-performance-on-target/ Mon, 23 Nov 2009 22:42:03 +0000 Stuff Queer People Need To Know http://stuffqueerpeopleneedtoknow.wordpress.com/2009/11/23/lamberts-ama-performance-on-target/

Adam Lambert’s performance on last night’s American Music Awards may have been a lot of things, but inappropriate isn’t one of them.

The performance of Lambert’s latest single featured about three seconds of Lambert shoving someone’s face into his crotch, as well as a passionate kiss with a band member. And this was the closing number of the night – viewers could see worse on other shows that typically take that time slot. Much ado about nothing.

No one cared when Lady GaGa wore a flesh-toned body suit – one that made it look like she was wearing a strap-on at that – and broke liquor bottles on stage when she performed. No one said a word about Rihanna’s rings of clothing that left little to the imagination or when she entered the stage bound up BDSM-style. But when a fully clothed gay man mimics a few seconds of fellatio all hell breaks loose. Lambert’s number wasn’t inappropriate, it was right in line with the other outrageous performances of the night.

Lady GaGa at the AMAs. Photo from Google Images (TheSuperficial.com).

Rhianna at the AMAs. Photo from Google Images (TheSuperficial.com).

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

After all the press about it, I expected to see Lambert on stage with his pants open and a partner gleefully pleasing the pop star for a vast majority of the song, so when I watched the clip for the first time, I completely missed the controversial act entirely.

And trust me if GaGa – or even Britney – had done it, no one would even bat a false eyelash.

But Lambert’s new album drops tomorrow. I’m sure his camp isn’t all that upset about the hype.

Adam Lambert performs “For Your Entertainment at the AMAs

Lady GaGa performs “Bad Romance” and “Speechless” at the AMAs

Rihanna performs at the AMAs

]]> http://joaquinjack.wordpress.com/2009/11/23/boys-dont-cry/ Mon, 23 Nov 2009 16:38:06 +0000 joaquinjack http://joaquinjack.wordpress.com/2009/11/23/boys-dont-cry/

So I’m a little late on the uptake for this one.  I tried my damnedest to find some way to watch it on the TGDoR, but nothing really wanted to work out for me on that day, period, and I wound up stranded at my trans-non-sympathetic friend’s house.  He accepts me well enough, but he doesn’t really see that there’s a tragedy going on with these people, thinks the surgery is “cosmetic” and didn’t do more than shrug when I told him what day it was, or the Statistics.  I started thinking, sometimes the ones that don’t care are worse than the ones who damn us.

But then I watched Boys Don’t Cry.

Don’t get me wrong, I know the story front to back, watched the documentary on Youtube, read the blogs and news journals, but they don’t take you into the experience of the story like the movie does.  And I tend to relate very heavily to a given character when I watch a movie, whether I’ve got much in common with him or not.  Brandon was Me in too many ways for me to even feel comfortable with, before we even got to the bad part of the movie.  (Well, except in the juvenile delinquent sort of way.)

Anyway, I got to sit down properly with my boyfriend last night and watch it (until his mom got home, at which point I got to sit down awkwardly and stiffly and watch it.  I don’t think she likes me and she’d like me even less if she knew I was a guy.)  But as awful as it was, it was worth watching.  He gripped my hand tight through the worst of it.  The rape scene WAS the hardest part to watch, but I think most of the horror of it all washed over my head until the end of the movie.  I think I sat there staring blankly at the screen for about five minutes.  And then his mom told us dinner was on the stove and she left the room, and then I got my plate and sat with it and I couldn’t eat, and then I noticed there were tears dripping onto my plate, and I just sat there like a statue until reality snapped back and I had to go to the bathroom to blow my nose.

I’m trying to think of the only other movie that made me cry.  I can’t remember.

(Might have been Wrath of Khan.)

So on one hand it kinda left me feeling scarred for life, and on the other hand it brought home how dangerous it is out there, really sort of made the danger and hurt mine to own and internalize, really sparked a spirit to do something about this in me.  I’m not sure what yet, but it’s brewing.  After all, I’m only 20.

…

And that brings home another point.  Last night I stared at my boyfriend’s calendar and started shaking when I realized I have no more than three weeks to come out to my dad if I want him to know about this before my 21st birthday.

I don’t know how to cope.

I’m just scared of how things are going to change around here when he knows.  We’re really tight these days; he’s slowly been turning me into a Trekkie by ordering the first season of Star Trek through Netflix.  Whenever we go out to do yardwork or something together, I call him Captain and he calls me Mr. Spock.  It’s really dorky but it’s something we share, and I think he’s somehow slowly coming to understand me by it.  I don’t want it to end, but in that same way, I don’t want our relationship, as good as it is, to be fake in any way.  I don’t want to be whatever he wants me to be just to preserve our friendship.  I have more respect for him than that.

…

On a happier note, I came up with a name for my… upper region that’s better than “tumors” or even “moobs”.  They are my chestnuts.

wOOt

]]> http://americanrefugee.wordpress.com/2009/11/23/567/ Mon, 23 Nov 2009 15:46:56 +0000 thomvernon http://americanrefugee.wordpress.com/2009/11/23/567/ http://transadrian.wordpress.com/2009/11/23/sometimes-being-out-is-hard/ Mon, 23 Nov 2009 11:14:09 +0000 transadrian http://transadrian.wordpress.com/2009/11/23/sometimes-being-out-is-hard/

I’m in my second year of a PhD program in mathematics.  This year, I start the process of finding a thesis adviser.  The search for an adviser in grad school is often likened to dating: the student first meets the professor by taking his class, thus having the opportunity to talk with him/her in a low-pressure situation.  The student then nervously asks the prof if he/she would like to do a private reading course the next term.  If the reading course goes well and student and prof hit it off, reading slowly morphs into research, and after several terms, the student musters the courage to pop  the question: will you be my adviser?  It’s a delicate dance.  When a prof and student don’t work out it can be for any number of reasons: the prof’s math doesn’t interest the student, the prof manages the student’s work too little or too much, or perhaps there’s just a clash of personalities.  If a student wants to work with a particular prof, it’s important to foster a good working relationship from the very beginning.

So here’s where I’m at: I’ve found a professor who I can see myself working with in the long term.  He does interesting math and we get along.  He’s very old, maybe 80 or 82, and he’s eccentric to say the least.  He’s a genius who can’t attach things to emails.  He drinks nothing but grape Crush.  And he happens to have read me as male upon first meeting me.  In fact, I recognized right off the bat that he was chummier with me than his female student, who was a friend of mine.  He felt free to tell certain stories to me that he wouldn’t disclose to her, for instance.  And he made an assumption, however subconscious, that I was a good mathematician.  I didn’t have to prove a damn thing for him to think that; he just assumed it was so.  Being a woman in math is different: once you show that you are indeed as good as your male counterparts, you are generally accepted as an equal.  But as a default, many profs are skeptical of women at first.  It’s an incredibly subtle trend in math, and unless you’d experienced it you’d probably think it was imagined or exaggerated.  But this professor treated me differently than he would have if he’d thought I was female, I am sure of it.  It felt a little slimy, but I must admit it was nice to feel that privilege.

I’ve been working with this professor now for only a couple weeks.  Last night, one of his other students told me that he had heard that my “real” name was Anna.  He was confused and asked her if it was true. Bless her, she said, “No, his name’s Adrian.  And why are you asking me instead of him?”  Oh fuck.  My secret is threatening to burst out of the closet!  I have never been stealth to anyone before, and it’s never seemed to matter.  But now, I want him to continue to think I’m a boy, because that gets my foot in the door.  If I worked with him for six months and gave him evidence that I really am good at math, then my trans status would probably be a non-issue.  I don’t know if it will be an issue as it stands, but I am so scared that it will deter him from working with me further.  This is the first time that being trans has threatened to negatively impact my career.  It’s easy to be out and proud and appear brave and confident when you’re not the one targeted for discrimination.  Now that I might be (and I don’t even know if I will be) that target, I am desperately pulling the closet doors shut!

I’m hoping for the best but damn, am I scared shitless.

]]> http://transadrian.wordpress.com/2009/11/23/overdue-t-update/ Mon, 23 Nov 2009 10:39:09 +0000 transadrian http://transadrian.wordpress.com/2009/11/23/overdue-t-update/

Hi all – I’ve been totally slacking on updating this site.  Sorry!  I’m now in the middle of my sixth month on T.  Gosh, that is hard to believe!  About a month ago I went back to my endo to talk about the benefits of injections over creams.  He previously had me on 1/4 teaspoon of the 5% testosterone cream daily.  I’d heard from a few friends that the creams work slower than the injections, and I’d noticed that my results were occurring at a somewhat slower rate than the transguys I knew on injections.  My endo confirmed the rumor that the cream works slower, and started me that day on injections, 100mL once a week.  The nurse taught me how to do it at that visit, and I’ve been injecting myself every Tuesday morning since.

Results: zits!  I have some acne on my face now   But, my voice has dropped to a recognizably male range, albeit somewhat androgynous still.  Also, I’m growing hair!  Lots of hair.  My legs are turning into hairy masses.  The hair on my arms is definitely thicker but it’s also constantly getting bleached by sun, so it’s not noticeably darker.  The hair on my face is growing in consistently but is still thin and light in color.  It definitely won’t look like “good” facial hair for some time.  Besides the hair and voice and zits, I have an insane libido.  And strangely, porn is more appealing now than it has ever been.  Pre-T I never watched porn, but now it’s a semi-regular event.  Along with libido I still have noticed an increase in my physical energy.  Sadly, I haven’t had time in my schedule to be a regular at the weight room, but my running has really improved over the last few months.  I ran AIDS Run, a 10K, in October, and came in 14th out of 120 among the 20-29 year old females (I was registered as female because my license still had female on it).  It was my first 10K, and I know I would have done much worse if it weren’t for the T.

Thanks to being on hormones, I was also able to change the gender marker on my California license to male!  I made a stop at the DMV after legally changing my name two weeks ago.  It’s a huge relief to finally have an ID that looks like me and has my chosen name on it!  Hooray!

]]> http://graceandwildroses.wordpress.com/2009/11/23/subway-shocker/ Mon, 23 Nov 2009 02:06:40 +0000 wiserose http://graceandwildroses.wordpress.com/2009/11/23/subway-shocker/

]]> http://blacksissyblog.wordpress.com/2009/11/22/cant-wait-to-get-out-of-this-apartment/ Sun, 22 Nov 2009 22:04:35 +0000 black t-girl http://blacksissyblog.wordpress.com/2009/11/22/cant-wait-to-get-out-of-this-apartment/

I’m in my apartment right now and my neighbor is once again playing the music/TV way too loud for this place with its thin walls. I’m so ready to leave this stupid apartment. I can’t wait to get away from my noisy neighborhood. I’m so done with this place and my neighbors!!

Just another reason to hate Bellevue.

]]> http://eyoki.wordpress.com/2009/11/22/pictures-of-happiness/ Sun, 22 Nov 2009 21:57:36 +0000 eyoki http://eyoki.wordpress.com/2009/11/22/pictures-of-happiness/

I’m currently reading Camera Lucida*,  a kind of meditation on the meaning of photography by the French philosopher Roland Barthes. It’s rather a mixed experience: one minute i’m thrilled, the next exasperated. Let’s leave that aside however; what i’d really like to talk about is a passage on page 10 where he writes:

… once i feel myself to be observed by the lens, everything changes: i constitute myself in the act of “posing”, i instantaneously make another body for myself, i transform myself in advance into an image. This transformation is an active one: i feel that the Photograph creates my body or mortifies it, according to its caprice…

Do you recognise what he’s talking about? Maybe it made you smile? Well, for me, reading those lines was like being struck by lightning.

Instantly, i remembered how in the years before i transitioned, i would smile as brightly and as widely as possible whenever i was photographed. This was truer than ever during the years of my marriage. I beam like a sun in practically every picture taken of me in that period; i gleam ecstatically. Yet that was the beginning of the long, slow unravelling that brought me to the point where i finally understood that i had to transition. It was a time when turmoil, pain and confusion reigned inside my mind.

So why the smile? The reason is simple: i believed that if all the pictures of my life showed me to be happy, then i would have been happy – not simply seemed to have been happy, but actually been happy. It was one of those beliefs that possessed me so deeply that i wasn’t aware of its existence.

Now it shocks me: not just the power i ascribed to photography, but the thrall that i was in to images in general. It’s as though i thought that they were realer than reality itself. My life at that time was a constant parade of impersonations of the female sex: i was ‘earth mother’, ‘sophisticated lady’, ‘out and out tart’ – sometimes all in the space of an afternoon! Even after my marriage broke down i didn’t abandon the attempt. It was only after i’d exhausted every version of ‘female’ i could think of that i gave in and bowed to the inevitable.

My naive belief in appearances reflected my own inability to understand why i couldn’t be a woman. I didn’t – couldn’t – recognise that gender identity has to have its roots inside a person. I thought it could be planted on the outside and cultivated till it flowered within. It also showed how deeply ashamed i was of my own unhappiness, the misery i didn’t understand and couldn’t name. What better way to hide a big, big sorrow than with a big, big smile?

Now i smile when i’m happy – although not always and never like i did back then. I don’t do impersonations anymore.

* Camera Lucida (ISBN 978-0-099-22541-6; publisher: Vintage Classics)

]]> http://graceandwildroses.wordpress.com/2009/11/22/boob-meat/ Sun, 22 Nov 2009 20:21:55 +0000 wiserose http://graceandwildroses.wordpress.com/2009/11/22/boob-meat/

‘Becca’ writes:

So I woke up this morning on my side, and wow did my boobs hurt. I love it when they grow at night, waking up feels like christmas morning. Having started filling a B cup lately I had been rethinking the whole implant plan, and when I looked down at the girls this morning I was pretty encouraged.
Then I rolled over onto my back and it was like…hey, where’d they go? I don’t know much about boobs so I’m sorry if it’s a stupid question, but how volumous do they need to be before they stay in boob form when horizontal? I wouldn’t imagine submuscular implants wander much, so when one is on her back does the natural boob meat wander off like it did this morning, exposing the implant?

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