Somewhere, buried within, everyone at one point or another has wished to be someone else.

        Most wish for something completely opposite of who they really are, others perhaps just wish they could be someone else, anyone else, even if it only be for a day.

        So many of us, since the day of our birth, have been given these images of who we really should be, how we really should act. We’re given these rules from the day we take our first breath.

        How we should act, how we shouldn’t. How we should and should not look. Are we ever really given a chance to grow into the person we are meant to be? Are We ever given a chance to be who we want?

        Or is our entirety of our overall image based on how we should be seen. What people around us, those who raised us, think we should be?

        Though the person I portrayed myself to be was acceptable mentally in the society of this world. My appearance was considered inaccurate.

        I always felt that maybe my intelligence and shyness was considered my worst feature.

        I knew that sometime in the future knowledge may be considered a decent personality trait, a turn on to someone who would appreciate it. But, now was just simpley  not one of those times.

       Knowledge and intelligence seemed to be boring to people. Well boring unless a previous determination of a life had been acknowledged.

       Those that had the brains also had a wildness about them. They would go to parties, they would get drunk, end up with stories that were sharable, and were easy to give it up.

      So from a distant outlook a false perception of these people were created.

     They had the scholars behind them and the social life. Those who turned straight to their envy put those people up on a pedestal. They had everything they had, yet they were swarmed by popularity why?

     Because they were willing to place all caution aside. Let themselves be used, and taken advantage of. The truth is though they had the intelligence, but no one noticed it because they were to busy anticipating the nights upcoming fornication.

     Yet, even though they were surrounded by people, they didn’t feel anymore alive or desired for who they were anymore than the rest of us.

     By now they were so accustomed to the idea of people and so reliable on their so-called popularity, that they never really got a chance to know what it was like to have nobody.

     Where as the rest of us, whom mostly sat back and envied those around us, failed to realize that even though we didn’t  have the luxury of a crowd of people hanging on our every word; We did have the knowledge and ability of self-reliance.

     We may have been alone, but at least we knew how to deal with it to the best of our advantage.

      It’s an interesting irony though, that at the time, we were sitting on the side lines wishing we were them, and there on their throne praying they could be us.

     The person I was everyday in highschool was the exact person that got tormented and taunted for being herself. Highschool, middle school, and elementary school were some of the worst years of my life.

    A mix of school and home life left me with years of self-esteem issues and the inability to accept who I was.

    With false perceptions of myself underway, I buried the person I was, making excuses and convincing myself I wasn’t good enough.

     In doing so I ended up taking on a new persona, a new identity, and a different name cowardly behind a screen.

     Behind this screen I was able to use my knowledge to impress people by acting free-spirited and flirtatious. 

     Behind this screen, I was able to show confidence in who I was and stand up for myself. Behind this screen, I was able to be confident enough in what I had to say to speak it. Behind this screen, I had the ability to tear down any female or male who not only stood in my way but treated those I cared about, and myself , with disrespect.

     Behind this screen, I was Not only an intelligent and witty person, I was a flirtatious, desired, and entertaining person as well.

     People had clawed their way through mud just to say they knew me. Just to say they were my friend.

     To me they were my friends, my sisters, my brothers, my life, and to me I was theres. I did what I could to be there for them in their time of need, and to cheer them up when they world had crashed around them. They returned to favor, just happy to know that they had someone who understood, just happy to know that they were not alone, and just happy to know that they had someone who liked them for them and not how they looked.

    Though all this seemed to be under false pretenses, I finally knew what it was like to have it all, to be exactly who I wanted to be, the person I thought I deserved to be. The person I thought I deserved to be treated as.

    I was a person of personality, and not just an image burned into a screen with judgements already placed against me.

    With my new-found ability to be able to step up and claim this role at such an early start; I was able to continue to hide behind my screen of “true friendships”. I was able to end up in my own fantasy world where I no longer had to worry about being liked, not being good enough, and not worried about caring what others thought or did.

     No longer did it matter to me, because during school I was so wrapped up in my alter reality, my escape, that every one that didn’t matter didn’t exist.

     By the time my first actual relationship came along I was still stuck on this person I had found I could be and the relationship went by flawlessly. There were no doubts, no arguments, no stupidity. There was just the two of us and we had a very well-known grasp on the reality that even though our love was real, we both knew that we would not last forever.   And, Both of us were okay with that. Both of us loved each other for who we were to one another, for who we were, both of us enjoyed what we had.

       It was obvious people envied us. They knew that what we had wasn’t based on sex, or sexual actions, that we weren’t together because one or the other was good, or easy. They knew we hadn’t even slept together. I was beautiful, he was gorgeous, together we were mysterious, together we were perfect. Eachother were all that mattered. We were, what everyone wished they had. We were the real thing and the apple of everyone’s eyes.

     It was the greatest I had felt in a long time, the most confident, the most truthful, the most honest, but most importantly it had felt the most like me.

     When it had abruptly ended, with no real reason why, just a handful of theories. My streak of confidence took a hard hit to the ground and had ended just as abruptly.

      It left my head spinning with questions unanswered, searching for reasons and explanations. It was more shock then hurt. ( I was sad) The ideas of what I was going to miss, and no longer be able to experience or share with him, hurt now more than the actual break up.

      I attempted to re-find my new found confidence by re-vanishing into my alter reality of cyberspace and make-believe; But it was too late, I had already allowed myself to be solely reliant on what I had just experienced and no amount of my cyberspace alias was able to fill that gap of knowledge, that gap of real feelings, that had now been missing.

      No matter what way I looked at it, no matter what I tried, it simpley wasn’t the same. In a half assed attempt of desperation that seemingly reappeared. I began clinging on again to any attention I could get. It wasn’t like online however, my guard was down, I was unable to remain in control and a step ahead. I had experienced what true acceptance had actually been and my mind and past memories clicked in.

      What had been said for many years now had begun to slowly creep back in. Even though all that had been said was recently proved wrong, it seemed that it was doing all it could to block out the fact that it had.

      However, my feeling of knowing and my determination to prove wrong stood proud and stronger than before; And so I continue to search for that feeling again. To know that it is out there, to know that I can once again have that completion, is what seems to continue driving  me in my search.

     The problem is wherever I go, it keeps leading me to dead ends, to paths of pain, and in doing so it continues to strip me of all the confidence that I  so desperately manage to hold onto.

     It continues to strip me of all the belief and self-reliance I have. Because of my inability to hold onto the person I was, the person I can be, or the person I wish to portray, I have led myself continuously astray and not only for myself but for others.

     The reason, because in my mind, the only way I can be happy with myself is by making others happy. The only way I can accept myself is if others accept me first.

      Now more than ever I wish to make the right turns and do what I need to. Do what I wish to.

      Therefore, if the time comes where it involves others, I want to be doing it because it is my desire to, not because I think that is the only way they will accept me. I want to do it so I can accept myself based on my own perspectives, based on myself and whats true to me and not what others wish of me.

      They say its being self-centered or conceited, but it’s not. It is simpley letting myself understand how valuable I truly am, The potential I have, the beauty I hold, and the amazing things I have the ability to offer, not only to my son, or others, but myself as well.

      I need to remember who I want to be, and who I am, not based on others, but based on my own desires, my own decisions, my own conclusions, and my own knowledge.

     Most importantly however, I need to realize the strengths I hold and how wonderous I truly am.

The Mystery True Potential: Who want to know about True Potential?

The potential of a good team is buried in the people that make up the team. It will emerge as a combination of talent, skills and character. It will be seen and felt in the quality of communication as the team rises to the challenge of fulfilling its purpose. Similarly, your potential is buried within, but in order to allow it to emerge you will need to stop putting blocks and barriers in its way.

While talents may be evident, and skills can be learned, both will be fine tuned with practice from ‘outside in’.  The deepest potential of any human being is spiritual in nature, and it comes from ‘inside out’. The regular practice of meditation helps us in harnessing our true inner potential.

Source

Brahma Kumaris

I realize more and more, everyday, that people will always arrive at what they set their minds to.

Now, understand I said, “arrive.” It does not mean that they will get it, if – in the case of some – they are not prepared to receive it. One cannot perform well, without preparing beforehand, but one CAN arrive on stage.

And yes, I know that there are many out there who’ll say – “That’s all a bunch of self-help crap.” Well, I’ve got a couple of things to say to that – first of all, I’m not here to help you, nor am I telling you to help yourself… Second of all, I will still; however, stick to informing those who care of the truth: that people will always arrive at what they set their minds to… And last, but not least, that if you don’t believe this, and still don’t – then you have damn well set your mind to it!

Thank you very much. I appreciate your precious time.

Contact me here

If you’re to see a Best Of 2008 list dealing with music here at Counterforce, it’d probably come slowly, over several posts, in spurts and and dribbles. The nice thing about this collective of semi-intellectual, semi-tamed miscreants is that we’re all different, with semi-diverging and swerving tastes in music. Yeah, there’s some overlap, maybe a lot of overlap at times (it’s called “good taste in music”), but there’s also a lot of disagreement. And there’s also Benjamin Light.

But if you were to force a mix out of me, songs thrown together from over this past year, then track 1 on that disc, cliche as it may be, would be MGMT’s “Time To Pretend.” Lyrical content-wise, I think the song sums up the year very nicely (my year, at least), both in the form of a beginning and an ending, and some of the wackiness that can fit through the cracks of those bookends. You know band, which is Andrew VanWyngarden and Ben Goldwasser, and the song because, by this point, everyone does. It’s been used in TV shows, sometimes very poorly in Gossip Girl’s case, sometimes brilliantly (more on that in a second), and I’m sure it’s found it’s way into a commercial or two. Or  out of your buddies’ car spakers. And you know that asshole at the gym, the sweaty one who always ends up next to you in your spin class? Yeah, you’ve heard it coming out of his ipod headphones. It sounds (and looks) a little like this:

That’s the band on Jools Holland, which is a fine performance, but I wish I could show you the actual music video (if only youtube would allow me), which is…(go watch it!) a kind of a hyper surrealistic party paradise with chic tribal hobos who may as well be hunting down wooly mammoths through the ruins of NYC, right? But lyrically, I feel that the song just says something accurate about the world we live in these days, describing the zeitgeist of the apocalyptic metanoia.

I first heard the song back in February or March-ish while watching the series finale of Skins on youtube. If you’ve ever followed me on the Counterforce tumblr, stumbled into a IRL conversation with me, or just happen to have BBC America and nice bit of interest, then you’ve heard of this show. To put it as simply as I can, it’s like those American teen shows, your Dawson’s Creeks, your Gossip Girls, your OCs, but better and trashier. Glow in the dark trashy, matter of fact. And with a bizarre slice of satire thinly sliced through a nice, almost art school sensibility. And the music is usually fantastic, the kind that’s not always just there because it’s new and hip and popular, but used because it’s… well, so well used that it becomes integral to a scene. I’ve read that when they release the first series of the show in America in January, they’ll have to replace some of the music because of rights issues and that scares the shit out of me.

Now, while I had heard of MGMT (I know that they only kinda sorta belong in a 2008 list since their physical album was released this year, but the digital release was October of last year) before, especially when they were previously known as The Management, my first real experience with them was a scene in the series finale of Skins. It was the last scene, matter of fact. And they were perfect, integral to not just that scene, but almost the entire show being summed up there, in fact. I don’t want to say too much about it for fear of ruining the scene, especially as it is perfect summary of a show, but the gist involves a nerdy British kid wandering around the neon spectacle and lusty foreign allure of the filthy streets of NYC, the music blaring on the soundtrack, as he looks for something he recognizes and someone he loves. He’s looking to save someone and be saved, closure and a rebirth. The end and the beginning.

The song grabbed me right then and there and never really let me go. It held me through even the hipsters and culture fucking douchebags latching onto the song and dry humping it in their indie rock dance clubs and their repeats of Grey’s Anatomy. It still has me. The album by MGMT, Oracular Spectacular, is fun all the way through, something that I feel Pitchfork describes accurately when it mentions that they’re akin to Mew and Muse in a brotherhood of melody filtered through a prog rock feel, but, as Wikipedia tells us, weaving in an early 90s Britpop sound. “Sounds like a college-dorm room experiment gone horribly right,” Prefix Magazine tells us.

Sure, over the past year, “Time To Pretend” has had it’s hills and valleys of frequency in which it appeared in the psychedelic jukebox of my head (that would totally be the title of this if I was writing this for This Recording), but it was always present in some form, sometimes waiting in the wings of a playlist, both upbeat and very downbeat. And when it wasn’t there, another of their songs, “Kids,” certainly was:

That video, while not being officially tied to the band at all, is awesome in my book. And if you don’t like it then I will fight you to the death. I could probably say the same about the band, their music, all of it.

Lollipop just pointed out to me, via the gmail, that MGMT is the band that Julia Allison loves. I shan’t hold that against them.

The Kaiser Chiefs “Time To Pretend” (MGMT cover)(mp3)

MGMT “The Youth” (Mmmathias remix)(mp3)

Katy Perry “Electric Feel” (MGMT cover)(mp3)

“The Apocalypse is in the zeitgeist… but it doesn’t have to be about death and destruction; it can be the shattering of a mass hallucination… where the human race realizes its true potential!” -Andrew VanWyngarden in Spin Magazine. Uh… sure.

Each morning we are born again.

What we do today is what matters most.

Feeling dazed and confused? Could this be your second adolescence?

Sociologists created the new term “middlescence” to define the disequilibrium created by midlife confusion, something I now call midlife hell.

Webster’s defines it this way:

mid•dl•es•cence–noun: the middle-age period of life, esp. when considered a difficult time of self-doubt and readjustment. [Origin: 1960–65; b. middle and adolescence]

I heard a more pejorative definition of midlife when I saw the new Indiana Jones movie: “when life stops giving us things and starts taking them away.”

My assessment of midlife is the same as just about any other part of life: you determine what you make of it. My own midlife experience has included various points of extreme disappointment and hopelessness which slowly transitioned into the very best time of my life. And that’s just in the past seven years! I definitely hit bottom, but bounced back nicely.

Desperation led to inspiration for me.

A midlife crisis is when we reassess our lives and often find some major room for improvement. We change our mind so that it can work better for us. We begin to question all of our previous assumptions about why we are here, and what we hope to accomplish. It is a mid-course readjustment to make sure we make it to the other side.

Why? Because all of our previous plans have fallen through, or simply did not turn out to be as satisfying as hoped. We need to take a painfully honest look at our present circumstances and try to learn from our past mistakes. We need to invite all of the intelligence, maturity, and integrity we have inside to help us get better at living our life.

What do you want out of life that you simply aren’t getting now? Do you deserve to have more of what you want or is this it? Can you do better? What is your true potential?

The only way to find out is to start living it today.

“The fifties are everything you are meant to be.” -Maya Angelou