we ordered the baby’s blanket yesterday, it should be ready in about two weeks, i can’t wait to see the finished product! i thought we would end up ordering from the website but weirdness of all weirdness the blanket was cheaper at the baby boutique downtown than it was directly from the website, $59 vs. $75 plus shipping.  we also ordered the rocking chair yesterday, actually we ordered it last week but we had to go change the color of the fabric based on the blanket that we ordered.  the baby furniture came in about two weeks ago, it’s sitting in boxes in our storage unit because…

we put an offer in on a house about 2 1/2 months ago.  it was a huge fiasco because this is the house that we originally wanted, but when we started looking again it was under contract so we made an offer on a different house.  about two days after our offer was accepted of the second house the first house came back on the market, so we pulled our offer on the second house and put one in on the first house.  then the sellers of the second house started threatening litigation even though there’s a clause in the contract stating that we are free to pull our offer with no consequences within a certain time period.  we had to see a lawyer and there’s still a chance they could come after us after the house sells, but we are hoping not, it’s so stupid, what the hell is the contract for if it doesn’t protect you??? anyways, house number one that we have the offer in on is a short sale so we have been waiting and waiting to get any news, like i said, it’s been about 2 1/2 months now so we are hoping to hear something very soon.  like yesterday.  i would really like to get in there and get the baby’s room painted and set up since she is due in just over 11 weeks!

tomorrow we are going in for my glucose tolerance test, i’m not too worried about it, i don’t think that i have gestational diabetes, i AM a little worried about drinking the gross sugar stuff but hopefully i can get it down.  i’m also having my rhogam shot tomorrow since i’m rh negative and my husband is positive, although i think they give it to everyone that’s negative regardless of their husband being negative or positive.

so that’s about it for now i guess, i hope everyone had a nice holiday, ours was quiet and small, my husband made dinner (as usual, i don’t cook), he deep fried a turkey this year which i’ve never had before, it was good but not much different from turkey in the oven, i guess i like it all.  his sister and daughter were here so it was just us plus two, it was very nice.

In a way I’m glad today is over. All that’s left is to curl up on Mr T and lose myself in a film. In theory today was a good day, we continued with our brought forward spring clean o our living area which is making good progress (I even organised the crap on top of the wardobe that threatens to knock me unconsious every time I want to dress), and we went for a wander around the local wetlands centre to feed the ducks with the midgets.

This should sound lovely, except it was combined with me having one of  ’those’ days. Those days when being faced point blank with my own infertility and other’s apparent ability to breath in and get pregnant, when talking about donation and how it is percieved that should a man unzip himself in a woman’s presence she’ll be popping out sextuplets. It’s just it doesn’t work like that. For some of us, even if we managed to get the best swimmers fired directly at an ovary, our chances are slim to none and when boiled down to minute details, on a technicality it’s our own stupid fault. On days like that when you have to face up to the reality that your body is f****d, life is generally just too much. In the end we took the kids out and Mr T and I walked, held hands and talked for as long as it took to shake off the feeling of hopelessness. For now we have to put the ttc idea to bed. And it feels like someone has died.

I have decided that god has a sense of humor.  Every time I think that my period started, I was so very wrong.  I have been spotting sometimes heavily others not at all for over the past week and a half.  Now I know that I was pretty stressed with a variety of things, school, work, the idea of not having my period and what does that mean.  At this point I have started to test using the Clearblue Easy [CBE], not the smiley face one, but the one that has low, medium, and high level.  The first day I was on the low level, duh I thought since I was still spotting.  However, for the past 2 days I have been on the medium level even though I’m still spotting.  I give up trying to understand this cycle, so I’m just going to keep testing and call it good.

Just a really quick update as I’m short on time and using a friends internet connection.

We had our second scan and blood test today.  I was pretty emotional and am really certain that the drugs are making me a super human lunatic this time around.  I’m an emotional person so I know that i’m more inclined to cry than the average girl but this time round the drugs (well i’m blaming it on them anyway) have really messed with my brain.  I am finding it hard to concentrate on anything and am all over the place.  A bit like this post really!

Well we now have 5 follicles that are in the running so I should be happy as its an improvement from 2 days ago.  There are another 2 that are borderline but probably won’t be big enough.  Interestingly (well to me anyway) my E2 level is MUCH higher this time round.  Last cycle I had a lot of follicles but my E2 level only got to 2800.  This time round I have about a third of the amount of follicles but my E2 level is 6800… whats that all about?  I know it’s still not a high level by most peoples standards though.

So we are all set for egg retrieval on Monday morning.  I’m not at all worried about that.  I actually quite like the drugs!  My clinic doesn’t knock you out completely with a general anaesthetic, instead I’ll be given a sedative and IV pain killers so I dont feel a thing,but I’m conscious throughout the whole thing.  So it’s quite cool cause I’ll be able to see the actual egg collection process on the screen.  I quite like that part.  It’s the waiting for the fertilisation report that will kill me.  Fertilisation is not my forte.  My eggies are not good at it.  So all I can do is hope that a few of  my 5 are good enough to turn into magic embies that will want to stick around for more than a few days.

Okay, there’s no sign of the witch. No twinges, no cramps, no headaches, no backache, no obligatory zit. Where the hell is she?

In my paranoid state that something was wrong, I called the clinic last night and spoke to a nurse. I’ve not always been that paranoid about my health but since the infertility stuff has happened, any body malfunction gets me worried and I must seek advice in order to calm down. The nurse confirmed that Aunt Flo could be a week late due to the nasal spray I’d been taking. She said that I could take a pregnancy test if I wanted but I decided that there’s no way I’m even wasting the money or the energy on that when I already know that it is highly unlikely and we’d never be lucky enough.

So, Sod’s Law Plan B has been implemented and I’ve decided to play a form of Russian Roulette with my best underwear.

Dear Diary,

Procrastination is a wonderful thing sometimes. In my most stressful week, I guarantee you 90 per cent of my time has been spent not doing what I was supposed to do.

On one of my many (many….many) distracted moments, I decided to look up “TTC” on Youtube.

For your viewing pleasure, Diary, I have compiled my favourite vids related to the good ole Toronto Transit Commission.

1. I Get On (The TTC) – A Rap Video. Awesomely catchy with just a pinch of autotune. East side…south side…west side…word!

2. The Bench – Who are these people and why are they so angry? Watch the video to find out. Don’t deny it. This has happened to you.

3. A silent Rave on the TTC!!! – And why wasn’t I invited???

4. At the bus wash, yeah – You can take a TTC bus wash tour? It’s not a great vid, but I would like to go on one please and thank you.

5. Gaga goes TTC – She can ride my transit any day…whatever that means.

That’s all I’ve got, Diary.

Until next time….

xoxo

Gossip Girl

As some of you may know, the Toronto Transit Commission (TTC) recently announced fare hikes to ride the public transit system in Toronto. These fare hikes will come into effect at the end of January. What do you think the first thing people will do when they hear that there is a fare hike? That’s right, they will buy as many tokens or tickets as they can at the existing price. It is called hoarding by some. I call it being smart.

Do you think that this is something reasonable that the TTC should have expected? Of course it is. How could someone overlook this as a possibility? But they did. So as a temporary solution, the TTC has now enforced a rule that people can only buy 5 tokens at once to prevent hoarding. They also came out with new temporary tickets that can only be used until the end of January when the fare hike takes effect. So what is the problem? Retailers and collectors have a shortage of the temporary tickets, so people riding public transit on a regular basis cannot buy them. See this article.

The TTC developed the ticket strategy to avoid hoarding, which they estimate would have cost them $5m over two months. They call this what would have been lost revenue, but why couldn’t they have anticipated this? Why was the execution so poor? How could they not have discussed some of the scenarios that might take place when fares are raised? I have to imagine that the first thing that would come to most people’s minds is that people will try and buy a lot now at the current price to save in the future. That is not a stretch, so why is the TTC having to be so reactive?

Many organizations spend so much time reacting to what is going on around them, and focusing on head-down operational decisions, that they forget about execution. Think about how many great ideas and initiatives have failed because of poor execution. Organizations need to focus just as much on the execution as the development of the initial strategy. Execution is what gets you results. Execution is what provides a competitive advantage. Execution is what differentiates a good idea from delivered results. We need to spend more time on execution and less time reacting to every new situation that comes up.

Isn’t it ridiculous that when you don’t want Aunt Flo staying over for a bit she comes uninvited anyway. Then, when you do actually invite her to stay, prepare for her arrival, fluff up her pillows, put choccies on her bed and await the knock on the door, she doesn’t bother to turn up.

At the moment she’s a day late just when I desperately want to start my IVF cycle. She knows – the cow! I’ve decided to implement the law of sod. I’m not going to prepare for her arrival. She can turn up whilst I’m completely not ready for her. Maybe if she’s still not made an appearance tomorrow I’ll wear my best knickers!

Anyway, my friend contacted me yesterday with some good news. She reckons you can get babies from TESCO… She’s seen them in other people’s trolleys, but she just can’t find which isle you pick them up from. She’s promised to keep looking!! I said that I might try Waitrose too – they might do better quality babies there!

So I tested this morning (CD 24 & 10 dpo) with the only test in the house and got “?”!

What the hell does that mean? It’s like answering a question with a question.

Of course it’s Thanksgiving and everything in our town (except Mc Ds) is closed so I CAN’T go anywhere to get another test.

Will try again Saturday.

On October 26, I found out our IUI worked.  Of course, I counted how long it would be before we would see a heartbeat and I knew it would be before Thanksgiving.  I told Eric so many times that we would have something to be extra thankful for this year.  Rather than feeling thankful for the good things in my life, I can’t stop thinking about our pregnancy loss, and how mad I am that I don’t have a little one to be thankful for. 

I went for a beta today (again!) and its at 35.  I have to go back on Monday to have it repeated.  They need to follow it down until it reaches less than 5.  I know it sounds wierd, but I am soooo sad that its going down.  I know its supposed to be going down and I should be happy that the Methotrexate worked, so I don’t need surgery and I keep my tube in good shape.  But everytime I hear the newest number, my heart drops a little.  Maybe its denial, but it makes me sad thinking that my little precious gift is dying.  I probably should think about it in another way.  But that’s what it feels like.  It feels like my body did the wrong thing and I had to take an injection to kill my little embryo.  I hate this!

I left the RE’s office today after the beta and broke into tears immediately.  I don’t know why.  I’ve probably been holding my emotions back a little too much.  The receptionist went through an ectopic pregnancy before and she has been very concerned about me.  She is super sweet, as is the head nurse there.  The receptionist was talking to me and making sure I was doing okay.  She asked if we were going to try again.  Somewhere between her asking me that and her wishing me a Happy Thanksgiving, my heart broke and my eyes were welling up.  Don’t know why, don’t really care either.  I’m sure she didn’t really care that I was crying in her face. 

I left the office and loudly bumped old school tunes all the way to work.  Somehow I felt better by the time I got to work.  Speaking of work, I found out this week that I’m relocating to another clinic of ours.  I love the new clinic and what is even more exciting is that I won’t have to see all the pg girls anymore.  I love all the girls I work with, especially the pg ones, but I really need an emotional break, and this is perfect. 

So back to Thanksgiving.  My heart is broken for my embryo that could have been.  However I NEED to realize that are great aspects to my life and there are many things for me to be thankful for. 

I am thankful for

-the amazing love my husband shows me daily, and our beautiful marriage

-the health of my parents and in-laws

-the health of my wonderful dogs (my kids) that keep me going and love me everyday

-the fact that Eric and I are both employed

-that we have a wonderful home

-that Eric and I have shared SO MANY moments this year, and gained MANY memories

-since this is an infertility blog-I am thankful for the gains we have made this past year.  Less than a year ago the sperm count was 1 million and as of last month it is up to 62 million. And one of those little guys actually fertilized one of my eggs!!

-I am thankful for the appreciation I have for the gift of life.  Not many people know what this longing is like.  We are on one heck of a bumpy road, but our marriage is stronger because of it.  I am thankful for all the great girls I have met because of this struggle.  I can’t imagine being on this road without all of you.  The support and friendship is appreciated, and I am thankful to have you on our journey.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

又來加價了.

多市公車局TTC的運輸服務速度不快,但多市公車局TTC加價的速度奇快,快得不可思議.

本來市民囤積代幣,可令多市公車局現金流入,驟然大發橫財.只因多市公車局,加價的速度奇快,竟然變成有損,真是不可思議.

多市公車局TTC應該私營化,至少該引進市場競爭,怎能叫市民任由多市公車局漁肉?

I will not be bitter. I will not be bitter. I will not be bitter. I will not be bitter. I will not be bitter. I will not be bitter.

I figure I will keep writing this until it sets into my thick skull, like when my dad used to make me write ‘I will not hit my sister,” 200 times. Then again, I still hit her. Give me a break, I was 8. Anyway, I am trying really hard to keep positive thoughts in my head because I REALLY don’t want to be that girl.

How about I share where all this is coming from? Today, I found out that a former good friend, with whom I’m still acquainted, though not as closely, is pregnant. OK, before I go further, I don’t want you to think “Oh, just because you can’t get knocked up doesn’t mean you can’t be happy for others.” Not that you would say that, I mean you seem nice, but the thing is, she just announced like a month ago that they were going to start trying. I mean COME ON!!! This makes the sixth pregnant woman I’m somehow connected to at the moment and none of them seemed to be having an issue.

Now, of course I’m very happy for her and wish the whole family well. I don’t begrudge her at all. It just makes me feel even more nervous about my own situation. It’s hard believing nothing is really wrong with you when it seems everyone else around you has absolutely no problem doing what you can’t.

But again, I will not be bitter. I will not be bitter. I will keep up my positive attitude with my head high and keep on going. It’s like anything else in life, some people are just better at some things. I mean I can dance pretty well. I got that going for me.

Disclaimer: This entry contains information regarding our adventures with trouble trying to conceive. Feel free to skip over if you wish to avoid too much information regarding my reproductive parts. I won’t blame you. I’d rather skip this stuff, too.

I’m reluctant to talk with many people in my life about our difficulties with conceiving. Of course there are various reasons for various people, but I just now realized a major factor behind my sealed lips: knowledge. Actually, more than plain knowledge, it’s almost a bitter feeling regarding how much I know about trying to conceive vs. how little others know. On top of that is knowledge regarding dietary issues and what foods do to the body.

Knowledge is power, but ignorance is bliss.

Don’t get me wrong. I love to learn. I’ve always said my ideal career is one that pays me to be a student. The problem is there’s such a distinct difference between choosing to learn something and that knowledge being necessary.

I’m processing this revelation as I type, so I’ll try to make this journey through my mind one that’s easy to follow. It might get choppy here for a bit, so hang tight.

People love to ask about baby plans.

People like to offer advice.

The best way to kill unsolicited advice before everyone involved gets uncomfortable is to present the counterargument for the most common words of advice regarding trying to conceive. Essentially, this means tossing out my diagnosis.

People are fascinated by medical abnormalities. They are not satisfied with “We’re seeing a great team of doctors, and we’re hopeful the plan we have will succeed.”

***

I’m trying to think this through and just reached another revelation. It isn’t so much that I’m annoyed with having to educate everyone who’s interested in my diagnosis and treatment plan. There’s a big part of me that’s happy to be spreading the word about trouble conceiving. It’s a taboo topic that has no business being taboo.

It’s just … well, it’s hard work. And it’s hard work on top of the hard work that comes with trouble trying to conceive. Not only am I charged with learning as much as I can to make sure I’m doing what I need to do, I’m also charged with educating the people I’m close to in order to keep them part of my life. I try to be understanding and gracious and informative, but repeating the same. damn. things. over. and. over. – answering the same. damn. questions. over. and. over. – dodging the same. damn. “advice.” over. and. over. … IT’S FRUSTRATING, OK?

It’s easy for me to retreat to my trusty e-friends, to so many who have been through a similar-enough situation or have watched mutual friends trudge through similar situations. I don’t need to educate them all that much. I can just lean on them.

But retreating to them isn’t fair to my other friends and family, nor is it fair to the campaign (for lack of a better word) to get the word out regarding the troubles women face when trying to conceive. My friends and family want to be there for me just as much as anyone else, yet I close so many of them out because – through no fault of their own – they’re lacking the proper information.

It isn’t fair. It isn’t fair to them as people who care about me, and it isn’t fair to me, who carries enough of a burden without adding fertility education to my responsibilities.

Would it be weird to ask to have brochures printed up as my Christmas gift?

I started spotting last night.  It was a couple of pink spots no big deal and then it stopped….until around 6 pm tonight.  I had a couple more spots only when I wipe but I am and have been cramping like a crazy person.  I have a headache, and tooth pain too   I know that spotting around this time is still ok…but it’s like a bad acid trip…I keep re-living this same nightmare of getting my period over, and over, and over and over again.  Only then I wake up and realize that it’s not a nightmare – it’s real life and it sucks.  While I’m on the subject let me just say that even though I am a little bummed right now I am very thankful that I have a cycle that will start normal, that I had a cycle that I ovulated and I actually got to see the change on the monitor, that we have a donor that is willing to meet us 6 times in a 12 day span, that I get to take this journey with the love of my life and that I have a great support system both at home and here in blog-land   For ALL of these things I am thankful beyond words.  I refuse to let these spots take away from all of the bright wonderful things in my life. 

Happy Thanksgiving!

It’s funny how quickly some things become routine. Every step of the IVF seemed terrifying. The drugs! The appointments! The technology! It was all I could do not to FREAK OUT every.single.day.

FETs are much easier, of course, for one thing. But I also think I’m past the point where things can suprise me. You want me to take how many pills a day? Sure, no problem. I should stick how many needles in my butt? Whatever.

My lining check is on Monday. And now I know from past experience that this means I have precisely five more needle-free evenings. Another round of bruising from the last set popped up on my right side the other day, so I guess I’ll be multi-coloured until well past Christmas, irrespective of what happens. Transfer is still set for Friday week. Our last two snowbabies.

I have been quiet, but I have been doing a LOT of thinking. Hours and hours upon hours of it. And the end result of my thinking is that, as it currently stands, if this FET fails (especially if we get another chemical pregnancy), I think I’m done.

I can’t say for certain, because I haven’t asked Q. yet what he thinks. And if his desire to parent is stronger than mine, and if he really wants to continue, I think I could manage one more IVF cycle. But if he’s ambivalent, or even as worn out as I am, then I think I would like to close the door on these last two years, and embrace our childfree future.

I posted on a forum I frequent about how I was feeling a couple of days ago. I’ve copied and pasted most of it here so I don’t repeat myself. It makes me so sad to read my own words- I wonder what happened to the girl I used to know. I’ve never sounded so defeated before, so utterly worn out.

—

Part of what’s inspired all this introspection is the anxiety. I am already feeling a lot of anxiety about all the medications that come with this cycle, and all the needles. I hate what these cycles do to me. I hate how invasive they are, and how they make me feel, and how we rearrange our entire lives to try and make this work.

Everyone always says that it will be worth it in the end, but I really don’t know about that anymore. I never wanted kids growing up- I only wanted them once I met Q. and saw how awesome he would be as a father, and wanted to mingle my genes with his (I seriously think that’s what my brain did- it saw some good genes and decided it wanted babies). But I never defined myself growing up with the expectation that I would be a mother. And a giant part of me just desperately wants to get on with our lives as a family of two in January. Part of it is selfish- we have all these plans for things we want to do in the future, and some of them would be much harder to manage with kids.

But a big part of it is I feel like we don’t actually get to live our lives right now, because even when we’re not cycling, we’re thinking about when we’re next going to cycle, or whether we can afford to do a cycle, or whether our plans can fit in around when we can next do a cycle. Our entire schedule for almost the last two years has revolved around our trips to the clinic.

I’m tired of scrimping and saving and always keeping in the back of my mind the cost of another IVF cycle. It sounds awful to put a price tag on the whole thing. It sounds selfish and uncaring. But the truth is, we’re not paying to get a baby, we’re paying for the privilege of even TRYING to get pregnant. And most days now I feel like I’m flushing our money down the toilet. My body doesn’t work on so many levels when it comes to babies. There’s a part of me that wonders whether I should just recognize that maybe this is not what I’m supposed to be doing in life. Q. and I were signing consent forms before I went in on day 2, and he was asking me about assisted hatching, which they do with FETs at my clinic because sometimes the embies have trouble breaking out to implant. I said to him that I don’t like the idea, but I don’t really feel we can say something since we’ve gone so far down this path of assisted conception. Q. agreed. He said there was nothing natural about this process anymore. It’s true. It makes me sad.

I really wish we had four embies left, rather than two. I feel like if we had two more FETs left, and they didn’t work, I would be able to walk away with absolutely no regrets. I don’t know if I can bear to go through another IVF cycle. And while I know we can’t plan when we get pregnant, etc. etc., we won’t be able to do an IVF until August. That makes me 31. I wanted to be done having my kids by 31. And I know that being an older mum is increasingly becoming more common, but this is not how I have envisioned my life. We intentionally planned to ttc while I was doing the PhD so we could be done by the time I finished. There comes a point where I’m not willing to live by the schedule the universe keeps handing me- I do not want that for my life.

But at the same time, everyone keeps telling me, “Oh you’re still young, this will work out, blah blah blah”. Infertility treatments are addictive. They suck you in, and you lose perspective and before you know it you’ve added in every possible medical intervention. I don’t really know how to put a stop to the madness. That scares me about the prospect of another IVF cycle too…because if we have embies we’ll feel obligated to use them…so if we do another IVF cycle and it doesn’t take, that could be another whole year of FET attempts.

In the last two years infertility has trashed my self-confidence and my body image. It has put enormous burdens on my marriage. Most of all, it has made me into a sad person who spends all of her time thinking about the life she wants to have, instead of someone who can enjoy the life she currently lives. Some days I don’t recognize myself anymore, especially when I’m in the throes of treatment. It makes me so angry and frustrated.

I am so tired of all of this. I am so tired of having my life on hold and turned upside down. I’m tired of the emotional weight. I’m scared of what all these drugs could be doing to my body. I’m sick of it, all of it.

—

So that’s where I’m at. I’d like to say that all my thoughts are just the fourteen pills a day talking, but the truth is, this has been a long time coming. I don’t think I ever thought that I could hit the end of this first IVF cycle and not be pregnant. And if that turns out to be the case, I just don’t think I’ve got the desire to start it all over again.

I want my life back.

When writing about tubal reversal and reading about it much praise has to be given to women who go month after month trying to conceive. Many of us would either give up or resort to having bad attitudes.

When reading some of the posts on the Chapel Hill Tubal Reversal Center website the determination can be seen as well as felt.

On the tubal reversal message board there are women who go through month after month of using the ovulation predictor kits and trying to time things just right. If they get their negative home pregnancy test they tell the other women. Then the day finally arrives when that one tubal reversal woman who has been trying so long finally gets that BFP.

When reading the tubal reversal posts it is amazing. Even those who do not get that BFP still keep their chins up and are so happy to see one of their tubal reversal sisters pregnant.

First off, I am really sorry I didn’t write sooner…..I’ve missed not being here with you and tapping out my thoughts.  It’s funny how in such a short time this blogging thing seems so normal, and comfortable, and well……..needed.  I’ve not even had the opporunity to check out how you all are doing , I want to catch up on your progress ( I feel like I’ve let you down, crazy huh?) 

So the last two days my sister was visiting from London and I have had such a beautiful time with her.  Our relationship is very loving and close, so I spent most of the time cuddled up to her having chats and spilling my guts out.  She is a tremendous support to me and that old adage that a problem shared is a problem halved is definitely true.  I updated her on all the business stuff and the general struggles on that end, and of course we talked babies (and lack thereof!)  In fact, one of the reasons she visited was because it was the 25th of November last year that our little boy Robin was born, but sadly not alive.

It’s hard to talk about it even after a year, but I feel able to share now.  I guess it is something I put away in a box inside my heart, and every now and again when I am lying in bed unable to sleep (that happens a lot these days) I take it out and think about it.  I can’t think about all of the details too often, thats just too hard for every day. But every now and then, I want to think about it, and run through it in my mind, and feel the feelings.  Thats important to me.

I was really excited to go to the doctor that day.  When you are pregnant, every visit to the doctor  feels like a milestone reached.  I checked out baby development sites every single day of my pregnancy, I knew when I went from a tiny limba bean to a small lime, and then on to an avocado, exciting times!  And so, it felt like another big step, another day closer to my due date and a very exciting longed for visit to my GP.  Week 18 feels like you are really making progress, nearly half way, definite bump started, lots of thrilling symptoms to look up on google and a myriad of questions for the doctor. I had already seen the cutest scan at 12 weeks and was blown away by the tiny, perfectly shaped baby dancing in my tummy.  I was quite giddy walking in the door of the doctor’s office  and positively hopped up on the bed for my blood pressure and other routine checks.  When she took out the doppler to listen to the babies heart I can honestly say it never even crossed my mind that there could be a problem.  Well, she tried for ages, and ages, and then her partner tried, and still nothing.  Now I was worried, my voice was choking, I could feel the panic rising.  They did their best to reassure me, keep control of the situation, but all the same let’s get you to the clinic for a scan to make sure everything is ok.  And of course it wasn’t.  No bouncing kicking baby, no arms flailing,  but instead a very still, quiet little bundle.  That scan was utterly devastating, I will never forget the pain I felt when I looked at that screen and knew instantly that it was all over. 

And then the hospital stay.  Induction.  Labour.  Lots of drugs (whats the point they said in suffering any pain when we know the outcome).  Delivery of Robin after 14 hours.  A perfect tiny baby.  Placenta delivery.  No infection or other issues, therefore no D&C needed…….thanks God no anaesthetic required.   Three days in hospital.  Beautiful blessing from the chaplain.  Tiny white coffin.  Burial.  Home.  Alone.  No baby.

And honestly, since the day that happened a year ago yesterday, I have felt like a piece of crap.  I am always wondering why.  I am always wishing we had our baby.  I am always worried it won’t happen again.  And if someone had told me this time last year that we would still have no baby…..I’d have been devastated.  We tried straight away.  I had this really strong urge to get pregnant again.  And we tried again, and again and again.  And then in August we went to our Consultant and here we are now.

Life is really cruel sometimes. 

And now,  at 5 days past ovulation I feel really pregnant.   And despite the fact that I know it is just the drugs at this stage, I am really hoping and praying that I am.  And despite how hard I try to be strong, I shall be really crushed if I am not. Sigh.

Gimme a break God.  Ok?

I’m horrified by the source of this quote.  I mean absolutely horrified. So much so I refuse to quote it’s source, you’ll just have to look it up. But today, it works:

“I know it seems hard sometimes but remember one thing. Through every dark night, theres a bright day after that. So no matter how hard it gets, stick your chest out, keep your head up…. and handle it.”

If I was making an attempt at being intellectual, I might have instead called this post, Aequam memento rebus in arduis servare mentem – (Remember when life’s path is steep to keep your mind even). It’s just today, words need to be as they are, no pretence, just what they are.

I’ve spent the day at the less enjoyable job. I wonder if today I have actually made a difference. Interviewing people today, I have seen several people who had already been drainking pre-lunch (to the point of making my eyes water), people who’s hope of finding work has all but vanished and one person who has not lost hope, but gave me a sharp shock back to remembering that teaching can knock you off your feet. We were discussing child protection, a major part of one of the courses I teach, by opening up this subject it became the catalyst for them to talk about their own experience of disclosure from the child’s perspective. During the discussion, this person’s face changed from the strong adult person to the confused child who was only able to make partial disclosures for fear of hurting those around them. I remembered at that exact moment why being a social worker had been such a tough career choice. I had loved that job, knowing I made a difference daily, but the pain that I felt knowing what children were dealing with was just too much once I became a mother (tbh, even before that I would come home in tears daily knowing that I had walked away from kids that needed help that I couldn’t offer). I theoretically knew that as a teacher disclosures were possible, but when working with adults you tend to think about it less. The situation which this person described was one a child should never have to live through and has left me very grateful for my sheltered childhood. Yes, I played big boys games before I really understood what they meant, but that was partially me rebelling and being led astray outside the home. Not the same. Nowhere near. 

So I’m left in this weird numb state. I came home and couldn’t talk about it. There’s something that I need to get closure on, except when I have a moment where someone points out just how pointless my issues are compared to what they could be I feel terrible for finding them so hard to deal with. Then I just fold up like a telescope (thank you Alice).  So, for now I’m capable of screaming lots of words in my head that will come streaming from my fingers on the keyboard, but I’m unable to communicate any of this verbally.

So what issues is it at all possible to not have covered in the masses of posts I’ve done? Well nothing actually. And that’s what’s so frustrating. It’s no longer a disclosure for me, it’s become picking to pieces the things that bother me most. Like daily whining about my useless uterus (in fact I may just call it that from now… ), the general longing for it to work rather than require donantion and medical coaxing out of  my eggs. And for those of a nervous disposition look away now, and the magnifying glass to this whole thing still all boils down to me having locked away things for such a long time, and working on the basis that having disclosed everything in the blog (going back a year) everything should have found closure. Except it hasn’t really. Probably because once I’d said it, I put it all back neatly in it’s box to rot when in fact I probably hould have thrown some dettol on it. I am aware at this point I’m totally beating around the bush and no-one actually knows what I’m talking about. I’m not so good at getting this nasty little skeleton out of the closet – it bites. I think what has been getting to me is the question, how is it that I’m ok with the whole sex thing (more than ok if we’re being honest here) having experienced the less nice side of it? The ex, the revolting excuse for a man that I’ve mentioned before, I’ve used the big R word here too. Combine the two and that’s where I’m going with this. Nasty period of time in my life and therein followed some serious body issues. To this day I am utterly convinced of my uselessness in that department (despite evidence to the contrary), I remember being informed of my uselessness, I believe the term ’sack of potatoes’ was used, with hindsight having said no before then not being totally happy with the whole act happening in the first place probably didn’t help. So now, in the moment is very very different. However, there are occasions when I continue to wonder if he had a point which is a dangerous road to walk down.

So there, weird stuff in my head. Other people have it far worse, but for tonight I am null. Blank girl.

Taktiks, originally uploaded by sizzled.

Random ass subway window hail up this morning! What up mayne?

AF is here.  I am trying to stay positive…but it’s not working.  Why does this have to suck so bad?