Today I was fighting with everyone for no reason at all and I feel like I can kill a hundred people coming in my way, I am feeling frustrated at the way life is right now for me, I am not getting the right job, I am not able to do the things that I so much have the desire for, I am really frustrated right now. I feel that purpose is a great thing. We all need to be very purposeful, we need that north star which we can follow, we need a guuide, a goal, a coach, something to go after. It has been rightly said, “if a man has’nt found in his life something that he would die for he isn’t fit to live” That’s 100% true, not just in my case but in all of our lives. In my case I have my north star but I just can’t find the way that will take me there…or at least a little closer to it…I have ruined this day but maybe tomorrow the sun will rise with new and better hopes for me and it might show me that way that I am so much looking forward to…

THE PM has built a strong relationship with business, despite or perhaps even because of financial turmoil…. From The Australian. Full story

This site may contain information about: 1990’s recession. The blog is also related to: nber recession.

I have no shame. Sometimes I have no judgment. Have been saying NO!!!!!! to the blood in the foot shot for several days now. I whined” It’s my gut instinct”, “don’t want to do it” ,  “it’s experimental”,  “it might lead to  infection”…….blah blah blah. I don’t like myself sometimes. Especially when I found myself dialing the medical group I go to and leaving a message for the nurse to get information about the shot. (WHAT??)  who did that Laurie Me or Laurie Her?  Usually, (actually every single time I try to get through to this medical madness group I am on hold, trying to get through to the nurse for about 30 minutes, plus or minus an hour). Today, of course, went through in ten minutes. Am I nuts? Am I just scared of new things? OR have I been burned so many darn times in the last year and a half that i don’t want to take any chances? (That does sound right…). Have no clue, my friends, what I will end up doing. Dr. Vodemart said it would heal faster if I had the shot…am I just desparate (and rightly so) to want to feel better a week earlier? This is an entry in a Libra’s life (not that there is anything wrong with that and it does not apply to all Libra’s, I am sure….).

Have not had any Haloween candy or chocolate yet. Did have shredded wheat and bran cereal with milk, and fruit on the side. Am trying to drink water again. Am trying to not freak out. Let’s see what happens. You know you will be the first to know.

Good luck to us all !!!

One part of me is happy, another is feeling strange, and the last part feels uneasy – as if something is going to happen that I might not be so ready for.

I am torn inside, I feel one-third of the sweetest and worst feelings all at the same time. I am happy at the moment, because I have my health, my life, my family, the essentials. I have peace, and I am thankful for all those things. I have luxuries that others don’t have. I have money to spend, my parents both have jobs, my family gets along, and I get more and more spiritual and strong as the days go by. My life rolls smoothly, without horrible things happening all at once, or at all.

But then, I feel strange. Some things have been changing and I don’t know how I feel about them. My old best friend – she’s back. And I am so happy for that but it’s just so weird; on Friday we hung out for the first time in months and then she invited me to Starbucks today…I don’t know if we’re best friends again, in the process, or if we’re just buddies for when we’re bored and have nothing better to do. And then…everywhere I go, it seems like our footsteps or faces or feelings are stamped in that place. On Friday, she took me down with other people to downtown…I walked down the same boardwalk he and I had walked. Happily. Never knowing a few months later, our relationship would be completely dissipated. Then today, we went to Starbucks, ugh! It’s so close to his house! I can literally walk to his place from there. We went into Rite-Aid for some snacks…which was our favorite place to eat ice cream. I feel this glee and excitement to remember good times, and this sadness for not having him with me. I’ve been crying lately; none of the anything I thought would be gone by now has gone away. He remains in me and it’s driving me, literally, insane. I’m a paranoid mess of hope and memories and nothing, really. I think he’s never gonna talk to me again. I haven’t heard from him AT ALL. Is he moving on? Already?

And then, I am uneasy. I feel like something is going to happen. Intuition isn’t my thing. I’m not superstitious or anyone to think feelings can be linked to future occurrences. But I do think that by feeling that something will happen, I will be driven to act upon it, and CREATE something on my own. Like, calling him. Or, even worse. showing up at his house. I think the uneasiness comes from knowing that I am so crazy – that in a moment of despair, I work miracles to see him again. I feel like either he’s going to come to me, or I’m going to “accidentally” show up at his door.

Knock, knock. “I love you, still. Save me.”

He has confused me. I haven’t seen in 9 days. I counted. That’s the night he left and I cried and…whatever. But then after that he sent me an e-mail with an attachment of a recording that he had on his mp3 of me and him. What does that mean? Does he miss me…? Better question yet: How would that make any difference if he made it clear we were never going to be together, ever again?

The past few weeks have been very un-accomplishing. time has flown so fast that I don’t ever see myself getting things done. Today I have made a goal that I will work more, pump iron for hours each day and that I will see more of life as I can. Lately I’ve been feeling so weak and souless, a smudge of matter that wanders on a day-to-day basis. This has to stop. I used to feel so in control and well, quite powerful as to what I want to do and who I am.

Sometimes I feel I need to do something radical to re-discover myself. I have often pondered about giving up from the heavy drinking-drug culture I’m being dragged into by my “friends” and maybe I need to take a stand and get into the drivers seat of my life. Sometimes I wonder if going away for a long time will help me rediscover myself. Maybe stay overseas for awhile. However, these ideas must take to the sideline, I have study to do. Woo.

yes…and it’s been months since i wrote on my blog…

well as usual life’s keeping me busy…and sometimes i forgot what i want to write not long after i open a new documents…

with my browser opening my blog dashboard…in the back of that new document…

hehehe…

and so is today…really i want to right something useful that everybody can enjoy…and/or use…but lately nothin’ comes cross my mind…

well…i’m rather upset today…

i mean…you know that feeling when you found something that bothers you but you can’t find anybody to talk or share with…

this past few weeks i’m feelin’ bored with my job with that same routines over and over again…usually i search and then found something i can enjoy…but…well what is it can you enjoy from a meeting…

yes…meetings

well…all i can tell is i’m not a meeting type kind of guy…but it’s been meeting after meeting…and it’s getting early and early…while i’m suffocating when i wake up early…

well…not that i’m lazy…but i’m a night guy…and…i hate meetings…
i want to enjoy it but well…i haven’t found anything interesting in it yet…

….

and another thing crossed my mind just yet…

that i’m confused with people’s act about me and my girlfriend…well we already know that it’s not easy to have a relationship with a religion difference…

but…

sometimes…well most of the times people around me just annoy me…why can’t they just let me enjoy this beautiful moments i’m sharing with her…WHY?

it’s not that i’m bothering anyone…

i’m tired…tired to understand people when they can’t understand me…or at least that’s what i feel…

gaahhh…i’m blabering in my blog again…

well…sorry blog dearest…well you know i can’t just share this feeling to everybody…yeah…you know

over and…out…

Like I always, I was watching my favorite, TV channel, The Discovery Health. They had one 2 shows one about the hLf ton man and the Brookhaven obesity clinic. They were showing severly over weight people and they were talking about how when they eat they can’t stop. They eat and eat and eat and can’t stop!!! One guy said that when he binged he gain 10 pounds. I’m sooo scared that if I start eating again I’m going to become one of those people on the shows. So fat and huge that I’m not going to be able to move!!! I ate this week and I have gain soooo much weight I feel and look disgusting!!!! I can’t stand this!!! Every thing I eat, every bite I take I gain weight. I’m freaking out!!!!!

Title: The Face of Deception

Author: Iris Johansen

Publication Date: 1998

Number of Pages: 354

Genre: Romantic Suspense

Geographical Setting: Georgia

Time Period: Present Day

Series: Eve Duncan novels, Bk. 1

Plot Summary: Eve Duncan is living every parent’s worst nightmare. Ten years ago her only child, Bonnie, was murdered at the age of seven and her body has never been recovered. Since then, Eve has spent her life reconstructing the skulls of unidentified murdered children hoping to do for those children what she could never do for her own, bring them home. Mysterious millionaire John Logan approaches Eve with a request to reconstruct and identify the skull of an adult male who he believes was the victim of a murder. Against her better judgment and against the advice of her close friend, detective Joe Quinn, Eve agrees to Logan’s request and with that she and all those associated with her are thrust into a world of danger and political intrigue that reaches all the way to the White House. Multiple plot twists keep the reader guessing as to the real identity of the skull and once Eve has finished her reconstruction, no one in this tension-filled story is safe from the relentless pursuit of those who will stop at nothing to keep the identity of the skull a secret. All through this action-packed story, Eve struggles to stay strong and focused as she fights unscrupulous individuals while trying hard to ignore her growing attraction to Logan.

Subject Headings: Women forensic sculptors; Facial reconstruction (Anthropology); Billionaires — Virginia; Forensic anthropology; Murder victims; Virginia; Suspense stories, American.

Appeal: fast-paced, relentless, danger, strong resourceful heroine, mysterious hero figures, series, action-oriented, multiple plot twists, political conspiracies, resolved ending, paranormal situations, edgy, uneasy, suspenseful, subtle romantic undertones, direct language

Three terms that best describe this book: Suspenseful, Romance, Political Conspiracies

Relevant Fiction Works and Authors:

Night Sins by Tami Hoag – Female field agent with the Minnesota Bureau of Criminal Apprehension and the town sheriff find themselves increasingly drawn to each other as they join forces to solve the case of a local boy who has been abducted by a town member. (Action-packed, suspenseful, strong heroine, romantic relationship between characters).

Stealing Shadows by Kay Hooper – Cassie Neil, a psychic with a gift which enables her to see into the minds of serial killers, comes to the aid of a small town judge and finds herself pursued by the killer even as romance heats up between her and the judge. (Edgy, suspenseful, strong heroine, romantic relationship between characters, paranormal situations).

The Surgeon by Tess Gerritsen – A female heart surgeon who survived the attack of a sadistic serial killer two years ago discovers that she is again a target so she works with detectives to capture the killer before he can kill her. (Strong female protagonist, danger, suspense, romantic interest).

Relevant Non-fiction Works and Authors:

Forensic Facial Reconstruction by Caroline Wilkinson – Detailed description of facial reconstruction from skeletal remains includes a discussion of the challenges of reconstructing children’s faces. The book explains how facial reconstruction is used to identify remains.

The Bone Lady: Life as a Forensic Anthropologist by Mary H. Manheim – Collection of stories that are entertaining as well as educational told by a leading forensic anthropologist.

Conspiracies and Cover-Ups by David Alexander – Presents the facts and the fiction of many of the twentieth- century’s most controversial conspiracy theories.

Name: Maggie

- The rain falls fast and heavy on my shoulders. The beautiful starlit sky is only a dream this night, masked by the dark and spiteful clouds. So twisted and convoluted their dark masses cover the sky, and with a brutal unrelenting efficiency they cover everything that lay below. Standing amidst the downpour I look skyward, trying to gaze past the furious fall of water hoping for a glimpse into what lay beyond. What little hope I have left quickly fades as the rain covers my face. Not unlike the clouds, my soul twists and rages, uneasy. A growing dispair washes over me as effortless as the rain, fueling my uneasy spirit. Strong emotions of pain and suffering reach the surface of my being. I am like the rain. Each drop I feel upon my shoulders brings me ever closer to unfathomable sorrow. Like a tangled mess of black vines slowly growing in different directions, creeping ever outward, my soul is trying to break free. I can feel in my eyes when the last fleeting bit of happiness escapes my being. I wonder to myself if the rain brings out this in all of us. Not really knowing why anymore, I once again look to the sky, as the rain perfectly masks the tears rolling down my face.

i woke earlier than usual, which is the biggest sign, so i decided to write. however, the right words seem to escape me and what im really feeling. i want to “talk about it’ but i’d be the only one being honest. i want to fuss about it, but what good would that do? i want to numb the pain but that’s not conducive to mothering. i want to cry, and i am, and i will continue; for crying releases much needed pressure and makes room for renewed energy.

so, what do i have this morning, to help me through the sad realities of my situation? hope? yes, but like anger…hope is not a strategy. 

my sister’s words ring in my ear: only give energy to things that matter; to things that i can control; to things that really need me attention. do not waste energy on things that i cant control, fix or are set up to “suck me dry.” that is great advice and has carried me through, on good days. but in this moment, it is not enough.

however, this tried and true prayer sums up my needs, without speaking from the pain. I leave you with this, in hope that you too remember this…when u need it.