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Members First Slate
P.O. Box 986
Royse City, TX. 75189-0986

November 23, 2009

Teamsters Local 767 Membership

Re: Election results and concerns

Dear Brothers and Sisters:

We want to take this time to thank each and every person who supports our efforts. We are very proud of those who took the time to get involved and vote (even if it wasn’t for us). We feel as though we ran a good, clean and effective campaign with the utmost integrity in keeping all issues focused on improving the overall mechanics of our great Local.

With the official results being posted around various worksites, many members are completely confounded as to the election outcome. It is very hard to unseat an incumbent. Every aspect of the election — from dates, times, notifications, election service providers, and ballot collection etc. — is stacked in their favor. We knew this going into the campaign and stand by our commitment to see it all the way through. While many theories are circulating regarding just how we lost, we want to assure everybody involved of our determination.

The general membership meeting was held on November 21, 2009. Secretary-Treasurer John Shorts, Sr., stated that 16 pre-election protests were filed as well as an unknown number of post-election protests. We, as members of an organized group, are following the protocol afforded to us through our Local Union By-laws, IBT Constitution and Federal Law. The appeal process can sometimes be viewed as a long and somewhat slow process. However, we can assure you the pace is set up as such to yield the truest decision based upon the circumstances available at the time. Please make no mistake: the slate members are still communicating daily with each other concerning the next steps that are to be taken.

In the mean time, we ask that you consider all the candidates of the Members First Slate (Billy Smith, Carlos Rios, Scott Wallace, David Varela, Jimmy Lyon, Bill Bagwell, and Brandon Santana) as viable choices in any future election.

In solidarity,

The Members First Slate

We recently discussed the changes that have taken place inside Berkshire Hathaway Inc. (NYSE: BRK-A) as Warren Buffett has gone higher up the food chain.  In his more focused and more opaque approach, it also seems that after a $44 billion deal including debt to buy Burlington Northern Santa Fe Corp. (NYSE: BNI) that Berkshire Hathaway needs to further make some changes.  Buffett has been talking on and off about a whale of a deal, and that is what we got with the BNSF buyout.  Berkshire Hathaway Inc. lists 51 different subsidiary links inside the Berkshire Hathaway umbrella that are wholly owned or dominantly owned subsidiaries.  There are also more than 40 public US-listed stock holdings in there, and that is before you get into his preferred shares, convertible debt instruments, and debt for deal financing in big public companies.

We have taken a review of the Full Buffett Holdings and come up with a geared down version of his holdings here.  Some of these ‘encouraged’ sales are because of fundamental changes, and some are merely because they are too small to be a benefit even if they tripled in price.  Some are also a follow-on for action he has already taken or already hinted at.

ConocoPhillips (NYSE: COP) is an obvious exit in the oil patch.  Buffett wants continued exposure to oil, and there are better ways to get exposure for Mr. Buffett.  He has investigated the Canadian oil sands projects, and he eventually buckled to pressure to sell Chinese oil stocks.  But Buffett targeted ConocoPhillips already all on his own for sale and said he would selectively sell as a tax offset even if it rises. It was also lowered in scope over the last quarter and the recent addition of Exxon Mobil Corp. (NYSE: XOM) was the right call he should have made in the first place.  Conoco is now at a $78 billion market cap, yet Buffett cam much more easily hide Exxon with almost an unlimited amount of funds as it has a market cap north of $359 billion and is the #1 position in the 24/7 Wall St. Real-Time 500.  Buffett could get his hands on almost $3 billion for the share sale at current levels.

Gannett Co., Inc. (NYSE: GCI) is one we cannot figure out why he still has in the portfolio other than being ‘long and wrong.’  He has panned newspapers, and the rest of media is challenged still.  At 3.447 million shares, this is also worth a whopping $35 million today.  The notion that this used to be worth 5-times and 8-times more is largely irrelevant now.  The Washington Post Co. (NYSE: WPO) might actually be hard for Buffett to exit because volume is so light.  He might just be stuck with it, and its education business may offset the newspaper business.  But his 1.72 million share stake could raise $700 million today if it could be unlocked.

Moody’s Corp. (NYSE: MCO) is one that was undergoing a game-changing trend for two years before Buffett decided to start lightening up.  The business is no longer in the same right nor with the same future as it once had.  Buffett wants companies with a “forever timeline” and that is just not in the cards any longer.  Ask this… How does the future of Moody’s compare now to how it was running 5 years ago?  No matter how you cut it, Moody’s has a much less dominant role and one under much more regulation and under more public scrutiny.  We interpreted his recent comments that he’s probably exiting this one anyway…. $900 million is here.

Then there is the train and rail competition.  Buffett has already indicated the sale of competing interests in the rail arena.  That takes the 1.933 million shares of Norfolk Southern Corp. (NYSE: NSC) and the 9.55 million shares of Union Pacific Corp. (NYSE: UNP) off the table.  That was roughly $640 million at the last look.  But there is an interesting take here that has not been discussed.  If Buffett really wants to communicate the value of the rail transportation business, he could also dump his 1.429 million shares of United Parcel Service, Inc. (NYSE: UPS).  That stake is only worth $80 million today, and he could kill two birds with one stone: clean up a small sub-$100 million position and make the effort to further show that rail is the best transport sector to own.

On the healthcare front, Buffett has already decided to lighten up on his health insurance operators. UnitedHealth Group, Inc. (NYSE: UNH) was listed as 3.4 million shares, down from 4.5 million in the prior quarter.  Wellpoint Inc. (NYSE: WLP) was listed as 3.394 million, down slightly from 3.5 million last quarter.  But that Wellpoint stake is also down from 4.7773 million shares in Q1.  Buffett might have been an Obama-backer, but he is lightening up in these health insurance stocks.  The only reason he might not be out entirely is either because of ‘hope’ or for goodwill in D.C.  He would raise about $280 million now by unloading these, and he’d surprisingly be able to do it at close to 52-week highs in these two.

GlaxoSmithKline plc (NYSE: GSK) and Sanofi-Aventis (NYSE: SNY) are technically not Buffett’s picks on his own.  It is unlikely that Buffett needs these as a source of funds.  And we do not anticipate a sale from Buffett here.  These could generate more than $200 million if they are exited.  Again, we do not expect these to be sold even though they do not fit in on the Buffett scale today.

Ingersoll-Rand Plc (NYSE: IR) is one that we think is one already on the way out and is probably already gone. He cut the stake way down, and this is worth about $23 million at today’s price.  This isn’t worth Buffett’s time, so we won’t make worth wasting our time nor your time with anything more.

SunTrust Banks, Inc. (NYSE: STI) is just over 3 million shares, so almost $70 million today.  This may be sentimental or for posterity’s sake, and in all fairness is not one we are picking on.  But with a similarly small Bank of America Corp. (NYSE: BAC) stake, the stake size could be more easily grown in BofA if he chooses.  Buffett’s recently increased stake in Wells Fargo & Co. (NYSE: WFC) being worth close to $8 billion and the other banks and lenders already held make this seem to be an easy stock to relinquish.

There are two positions in public insurance holdings that either need to be added to or need to be elminated.  Frankly, Buffett has more than enough insurance exposure all the way through the private portfolio.  The Torchmark Corp. (NYSE: TMK) is in individual life and supplemental health insurance products and the 2.8 million share stake is worth just under $120 million today.  The Travelers Companies, Inc. (NYSE: TRV) was such a small stake that Buffett may have changed his mind or just got caught having his broker start buying in the last 15 minutes of the last day of the quarter.  This is literally a $1.3 million stake.  But it is now a DJIA component and I think Warren wants to show he wants to hold the better quality public stocks.  Our guess is that this will be a larger stake ahead.  If not, he just needs to sell it so that people covering Buffett can ignore it.

Will Buffett sell all these positions? No, of course not. He holds on to positions in many cases until long after they have stayed their welcome in the Buffett house.  But some he has started selling and many seem unlikely compared to the rest of his portfolio.  Many of these either do no longer fit in size nor in practice for his ‘forever’ model.  After tallying all these stakes up mentioned here, Buffett could also use $6 billion to use for funding that BNSF buyout or that he could use to buy what he has always wanted…. A utility.

You can join our open email distribution list to hear more news on key analyst calls, top day trader alerts, mergers and acquisitions, Buffett and other investment gurus, IPOs, secondary offerings, private equity, and more.

JON C. OGG
NOVEMBER 24, 2009

I’m usually a big fan of Nordstrom, but my recent transaction with the company has made me NEVER want to shop there again!  Why you ask?  Because it took six weeks, ten phone calls to customer service, three calls to UPS and a letter to Nordstrom’s corporate headquarters to get the coat I purchased!!

I don’t know about you, but I find that sort of service unacceptable.  I ordered my coat on Sept. 20 and didn’t receive it until Oct. 30 , when I was told it would arrive in 5-8 business days! 

So what went wrong?  Apparently the coat left the Nordstrom’s warehouse via UPS.  From there, UPS “tried” to deliver the package to my second-story apartment but couldn’t find my unit (out of an eight-unit building).  Shocking, I know. 

Seeing that the UPS carrier was too lazy to walk up a flight of stairs – that’s a story for another day – there was no package notice left to alert me that the coat was sent back to Nordstrom. 

So, Nordstrom sent out ANOTHER coat and the cycle with UPS started all over again.  But here’s the kicker…Nordstrom failed to inform me (the customer) of the status of my order.  So in the meantime, I’m calling the company’s customer service and getting the runaround.  On three occasions customer service promised me the package would arrive the next day and it never did.  On two occasions they promised me a return phone call and never called back – infuriating!

Finally, four weeks after my purchase I got a UPS slip on my apartment door saying the package couldn’t be delivered.  I called UPS and they said the package had been sent back to Nordstrom.  So I called Nordstrom and they finally explained the troubles they were having with shipping and asked me for an alternative address to ship the coat (which they should have done weeks prior).  I gave them my work address and the package still didn’t show up for another 10 days!

The most disturbing part of this whole story is that I probably would never have received my coat had I not been such a squeaky wheel.  Also, I had asked for a refund for all the time I spent tracking down this coat (40 days) and Nordstrom wouldn’t give me one.  If I were you, I’d think twice when ordering from this company.  Unless you have the time to order you swimsuit in February so it’s there by June.

And let’s not let UPS off that easy.  The icing on the cake is that I got a UPS delivery a week later to my second-story apartment.  What’s that all about?!  Do their carriers pick and choose the packages they want to deliver?  If Nordstrom was smart it would switch to Fed-Ex.

Su-Kam’s top-of-the line Digital UPS Systems redefines the very concept of the UPS. Packed with exclusive, innovative and electricity saving features, Su-Kam Digital UPS Systems maximize the output of the computers and peripherals they are connected to. Su-kam offers a wide range of Digital UPS Systems to ensure that consumers get products that match their individual requirements perfectly. These systems play the dual role of charging batteries when the mains supply is present as well as regulating the output voltage and working as normal inverters in the absence of the mains supply. They offer enhanced power protection by providing additional line conditioning. The switch-over time from the inverter to the main mode and vice-versa is also very fast when compared to other off-line UPS systems. Su-Kam Digital UPS Systems are a result of highly advanced technology. They offer a host of the most advanced features to the consumers.

Salient Features

• Micro Controller based PWM technology using MOSFET.
• A highly advanced Self-Start Automatic Voltage Regulator (AVR).
• A convenient No Load Shut down at battery mode.
• Change-over with Phase Synchronization.
• An extra Wide Input Voltage Control.
• Cold start at full load.
• Software Controlled Double Protection for overload and short-circuits.
• Unique Insta-Mode switch-over.
• A highly sophisticated pulse charge.
• Low battery shut down with auto data saving with PC Based Software.
• CE certified product.
• Safety conformance: EN62040-1-1 (2003).
• EMC compliance: EN50091-2 (1995).

Applications

• Personal Computer
• Security System
• Modem
• Fax Machine

WP.com Share Button

No, no es el título de aquella película, esta vez la cosa no va de cine, sino de sexo. Y es que 300 son los orgasmos que la señorita Michelle Thompson tiene al día. Como lo oís, ¡¡300!! Haciendo números, eso son 12 orgasmos y medio a la hora, es decir un orgasmo cada 5 minutos. ¡¡qué sin vivir!!

La noticia es que esta señorita tiene una enfermedad llamada “Síndrome de excitación Sexual Persistente” Que pensando un poco le viene como anillo al dedo el refrán de “lo poco agrada y lo mucho cansa” ¡¡¡Y tanto que cansa!!! Me imagino yo que a esta mujer a las 12 de la noche despatarrada, sudada y con cara de pocos amigos.

Su vida no será fácil, esta claro. Ella se levantará, desayunará  y ay ay ay mmmm mmm….(toma el primero de día), luego se va a la ducha y….woooow!!, que se va a por el pan… ummmm!! que va a trabajar… ups!!! así constantemente.

¿Se cansará de tener orgasmos?

Ella cuenta que ha tenido varios novios pero que es muy exigente y ninguno le venia bien. Hace poco conoció a un vecino suyo llamado Andrew Carr con el que mantiene una relación. Cuenta que le ha costado mucho encontrar a un hombre que la satisfaga sexualmente. Hacen el amor diez veces al día, supongo que todas la veces llegará al orgasmo, porque sino…..  Y es que el apetito sexual de Michelle es mucho mucho mucho grande. Es “chemendo”, esa es la palabra.

¿qué opináis de esta enfermedad? Yo por ahora no coment.

Here’s a link to a summary of the rate changes for 2010 from UPS.  Click here.

Nothing new here, except for the details.  Most of the changes are in the arena of accessorial charges, where it seems that UPS seeks to make most of their profit margin today.  The basic rates seem designed to cover costs.

But I confess, that’s pretty much a shipper’s skepticism.

24/7 Wall St. looked at a very large number of Nascar crashes to assess which were the most expensive. The crashes reviewed occurred  between 2002 and the present.

A Fox Sports analysis estimates that the cost of a single Nascar car is $125,000 for auto, engine, and labor. All of the teams carry multiple vehicles. Engine development programs run as high $3.5 million a season, although we have not prorated that into the costs of any of the crashes.

The most important hidden cost is the exposure a sponsor loses when a car is out of a race. Companies like Lowe’s (NYSE:LOW), Kellogg’s (NYSE:K), Coca-Cola (NYSE:KO), Procter & Gamble’s (NYSE:PG) Gillette division, Kraft’s (NYSE:KFT) Nabisco unit, UPS (NYSE:UPS), and Visa (NYSE:V) are unlikely to be hurt badly if a car is out of the race because they are sponsors of the all the Nascar races. Fedex (NYSE:FDX), Caterpillar (NYSE:CAT),  Best Buy (NYSE:BBY), and Aflac (NYSE:AFL) are sponsors of cars and that can cost them as much as $12 million a year. If one of their cars is off the track for a large number of laps, they lose important commercial exposure.

The high cost of Nascar crashes is one of many headaches in operating a team in the sport which may make it more difficult for GM and Chrysler which have gone through Chapter 11 bankruptcy to stay in the race business at the levels that they have in the past. A weak dollar and poor global margins may even hurt Toyota’s (NYSE:TM) participation.

Each estimate below covers that cost of the car wreck and in many cases the cost of several cars being destroyed. The cost of damage to the track and facilities has also been estimated.

The list:  

Watkins Glenn, 2009, Jeff Gordon & Sam Hornish, Jr. A six car pile-up with five cars totaled and one badly damaged. Damage to the track as well. Total damage: $688,000

Dover, 2009, Joey Logano. Four cars totalled and damage to the stands. Total damage: $500,000.

Bristol Motor Speedway, 2002, Mike Harmon. T-Bone accident. Two cars totalled. Bad damage to track and stands. Total damage :  $270,000

Las Vegas, 2008, Jeff Gordon. One car totalled, with another badly damaged. Severe damage to guard posts. Total cost: $210,000.

Talladega, 2009, Ryan Newman. One car flips on roof and damages three other cars. Total: $190,000.

Talladega, 2009, Carl Edward hits Brad Keselowski and Dale, Jr. One car flies through the air and two other damaged. Severe damage to track.  Total damage: $180,000.

Talladega, 2003, Eliot Sadler. Two car crash. One totaled, another damaged.  Total: $160,000.

Daytona, 2003, Ryan Newman. Several flips and crash.  Total cost:  $150,000

Texas, 2008, Michael McDowell. New barriers save the driver. Totalled car.  Total cost: $130,000

Lowe’s, NC. 2009. Jeff Gordon, Hit Kyle Busch. Total cost:  $80,000.

Douglas A. McIntyre

I am sure you came across the report that the United Stets Postal Service (USPS) considers stopping delivering mail on Saturday. Why? Simple, the USPS, which does not work to earn a profit, ran a loss of a few billion dollars in fiscal year 2009, and owns the federal government upwards of $10 billion. Therefore, in order to cut back expenses, they are planning to cut services. This of course comes after years of increasing prices of services, such as regular postage.

Come again? I would think that if you want to cut expenses and balance books, one would make the office more sufficient; cut extra jobs, limit compensation; cut back prices, and enhance services, which will in turn bring more clients and money too. This calculation, however, is too difficult of a math for the USPS people to figure out.

The USPS lays blame of their weak business at the Internet and E-mail, which caused people to reduce their reliance of Postal services. This might hold some truth if not for the fact that FedEx and UPS are doing just fine. If the end-game is to earn a profit and service costumers, by God firms will make it happen, as UPS and FedEx do. Whereas if the business beyond military and espionage is government-run, or government subsidizes, the priority is giving workers all they want, while customer service is some place down the line.

If you disagree, let me know how your recent business in a DMV or USPS office went by.

UPS just released its shipping rates for 2010 – increases across the board. See below:

“UPS (NYSE:UPS) today released new list rates for 2010, including an average increase of 4.9 percent for UPS Ground packages and an average net increase of 4.9 percent on all air express and U.S. origin international shipments.

The rate increase for air express and international shipments is based on a 6.9 percent increase in the base rate, less a 2 percent reduction in the air and international fuel surcharge index.

…The new rates take effect on Jan. 4, 2010.”

MD-11F da UPS (Foto: Airliners.net / Clique para ampliar)

A UPS anunciou que Nadir Moreno, presidente da UPS Brasil, foi nomeada uma das finalistas do prêmio Women Helping Women (Mulheres Ajudando Mulheres) na sua 6ª edição anual do Stevie Awards para Mulheres de Negócios. Nadir concorreu com mais sete finalistas em todo o mundo e foi honrada por suas contribuições no desenvolvimento de mulheres executivas brasileiras no ano passado.

O prêmio faz parte de uma competição internacional que visa reconhecer as notáveis realizações de mulheres executivas, proprietárias de negócios, e organizações que elas dirigem. Nadir participou da cerimônia de gala do Stevie Awards no dia 13 de novembro, no Marriott Marquis Hotel em Nova Iorque, Estados Unidos.

“Estou honrada em ser uma das sete finalistas desse prêmio. Ele é um símbolo tanto do progresso quando da crescente camaradagem entre as mulheres para assegurar o nosso sucesso contínuo e desenvolvimento no mundo de negócios”, disse Nadir no final do evento. “A UPS me ofereceu a oportunidade de crescer profissionalmente e diferenciar-me como uma líder na indústria brasileira. Como líderes em nossos campos, as mulheres executivas devem passar pelas mesmas oportunidades que elas receberam para assegurar que as mulheres nos negócios sejam um suporte importante em companhias de todos os tamanhos em todo o mundo”.

Desde que se uniu à UPS em 1992, Nadir Moreno deu o primeiro passo no progresso das mulheres executivas no Brasil. A indicação de Nadir a presidência da empresa em 2007 representou um marco ao tornar-se a primeira líder feminina no país; desde então se estabeleceu como exemplo de uma profissional de sucesso, dedicando-se em promover a filosofia da diversidade no local de trabalho e a igualdade de oportunidades. Atualmente a força de trabalho da UPS no Brasil é composta por mais de 35% de funcionárias e 39% de seu corpo gerencial é formado por mulheres.

Além disso, Nadir supervisionou o programa de desenvolvimento de funcionários da UPS no Brasil chamado de Women’s Leadership Development program (Programa de Desenvolvimento de Liderança Feminina), que foi introduzido para fornecer aos gerentes da UPS as oportunidades de desenvolver a liderança e habilidade de trabalho aprendendo com suas visões, com organizações externas de negócios e serviço comunitário.

“Nadir sempre vai além do seu papel como uma executiva líder no Brasil e a nomeação como uma das finalistas desse prêmio é um excelente reconhecimento de quanto ela está investindo em ajudar mulheres executivas,” diz Steve Flowers, Presidente da UPS Américas

De acordo com Steve Flowers, Presidente da UPS Américas, “a categoria Women Helping Women (Mulheres Ajudando Mulheres) realmente se sobressai porque reconhece executivas que estão indo, sobretudo e além de seus papéis como líderes de negócios. Cada finalista da edição desse ano foi notável por causa de seus esforços individuais em direção a promoção das mulheres no mercado de trabalho.”

A edição de 2009 do Stevie Awards para Mulheres de Negócios foi gerenciada por um comitê de renomados juízes e conselheiros que caracteriza diversas mulheres líderes empreendedoras nos negócios e foi produzida pelos criadores do prestigiado American Business AwardsSM. O prêmio Women Helping Women esteve entre as 54 categorias do prêmio Stevie Awards desse ano para Mulheres de Negócios. Mais de 1.100 inscrições de organizações de diversos tamanhos e virtualmente de cada indústria foram submetidas.

Fonte: Aviação Brasil

The Su-Kam On-Line UPS Systems have an RS-232 Interface for the Power Manager. This user-friendly On-Line UPS Communication Software controls and monitors UPS performance and programs UPS commands. An easy-to-use software, it is based on the RS 232 world standard for interfacing Digital Signal Processor with computers. The Power Manager allows you to program all the commands to be performed by it automatically. This software is very useful for communication systems including satellite systems, air traffic control systems, internet nodes, bank transactions and any other application requiring maximum reliability and high power availability such as computer labs, offices, biomedical instruments, telecommunication systems and industrial establishments. It ensures maximum safety for high-risk applications. Once the UPS is installed, the user need not worry about loss or corruption of valuable data, interruption, component failure, errors and shut down of computers, drive and system crashes or any other damage, which would have occurred otherwise.

Salient Features

• Constantly informs user of the status of the UPS, whether locally or by sending messages to user connected to the network. Normally, the message contains information about output under voltage low or battery voltage high, if selected.
• Logs on important data containing input voltage, input frequency, output voltage, output frequency, output VA and battery voltage continuously to enable the user to check the performance at any time. Data logging enables the user to check the performance of UPS apart from knowing the status of the battery. Any future problem can be ascertained in case of any deviation in the performance.
• Allows the user to shut down the network automatically without switching off each PC individually saves the work that was being done regardless of the application that was being used. The user may define the shut down procedure and can priories the shut down of critical components within the system such as servers. This sequential and priories shutdown by Power Manager, in turn, protects the valuable data of the unsaved files of the computers connected with the system.
• Provides a standard control and monitoring capability, as it uses the TCP/IP communication protocol. It supports all operating systems such as Windows 98, 2000, ME, XP and NT. It also works competently on various Linux versions as Redhat, Debian, Slackware, Mandrake etc. it also provides the user with the added functionality of connecting himself to the UPS Systems situated in different locations by using either a dedicated network (intranet) or the Internet.

Software Functions

• Graphic Monitoring of the UPS Status
• Detailed Display of all the UPS Data
• Alarm Notification via e-mail and SMS
• Programming the UPS Commands

Guess what???  I ain’t late for posting Thirty Thursday…well, yes you will be reading this inevitably on Friday, but just know that I was on time with the delivery of said parcel aka Top 30 Mix for 11.18.09.  UPS can’t even mess with the realness!!!  UUUUUHHHH!!!  So here’s this week’s episode and it freaking tiightsauce (like usual) there are alot of dope singles making noise right now so biggup to all those cats supplying me with new heaters every single day!!!  Pause for clapping to die down…OK, I couldn’t do what I do without you.  Baron Von Alias is my JAAAMMMM SON!!!!!

I had a bunch of slip ups in the last 5 days. Friday and Saturday I had major binge and purge sessions… making me feel like crap and miserable and I do not for the sake of my body health and well being know why. Those were major ones, cooking lots of “FORBIDDEN” food and being miserable emotionally and all that… then again Tuesday night… another slip up. Again, I do not understand why, how or anything that could explain it really. I remember thinking about D. a lot. He is there 24/7. I again wished he would not exist. Not in my life at least. I love him so extremely much. And ye more I do not get to see or talk to him ye more I think about him. It is sad, and it is painful. I wished I knew how he was doing, what he was doing, or with him he was happy.
Also, my thoughts keep circling around his stupid anorexic friend… She told me that she and him were seeing each other. I cannot stand the thought, because she is so crazy, and unattractive and I just do not understand why he would rather have sex with her than with me and that is what it is all about. Sexual satisfaction. I do not want more from him than sex. I just want to enjoy myself and I want to please him. I can please M. which has not been a problem but D. has been the only one I could have sex with that I personally enjoyed. I wished I could have one more night with him. One more. No more than that. One more. I miss him so much.
And yes, I do not only miss the fulfilling sexual moments. I miss hiss eyes and his voice. How can I forget? How? I cannot. I tried drinking alcohol excessively…. but alcohol is just a friend for a second a minute or two or a night at the longest. I need permanent relief. I need hope that life without him can succeed… I need to be loved the way I love. But then again I feel like loving someone more than you could ever be loved is better than the opposite. I have no idea. I am stuck in an internal struggle to find myself and I wished I had, so that I could speak clearly to those who seem to not know a thing….

anyways….

Bulimia… sucks… still… and I wished she was finally gone, but she is hitting back harder than usually. After every slip up I am so exhausted that I feel like I fall asleep without the chance of ever waking up again. It is in fact extremely scary…. I see the lights in my life fading and I feel the motivation to basically slip away. Life is difficult and hard and unfair and yet I feel like I will make it but I need so much strength to do so that I wonder if it is really worth it. I could just get married, have kids and be happy, but I guess my inner voice tells me to go for more.
It’s not a problem at all to call C. and get married and live in Ohio and “just be”… but I want true love.
And yes, I know I alredy found my perfect match and yes, I know he is rejecting me, so.. of course, this does not help…

My conclusion is:

Bulimia and Love are evil partners, like sisters… bad, bad, bad.

Both of them believe in hate…

Bulimia hates me as a person…. physically. I am fat, ugly, I cannot discipline myslef, I am just wrong… I eat too much and throw it up while others starve or I decide not to eat while I have the choice between anything…

Love hates me as a lover, because I am passionate, I am submissive but assertive in my own special way, I am sexual and I love to open my heart to someone who seems to me like he deserves to know my soul…
but I am always wrong and punish myself with a lot of shameful pain…

Disaster… bulimia and love… and hate, too.. I hate people I love because they reject me, but at the same time I understand that they need to have their own opinion and life and ahhhhhhh…. why….

yup… why is why I got meds… to calm me down to tell me I am not crazy although I am. I am extremely tired of life and crazy and wished I could just write a book, kill myself and die slowly while seeing people around me just go theri way. No one would care, so why do I car?

Yes, I need a higher dose.
Good night, happiness is far…
ahead.