Uwe Boll’s Bloodrayne is an average pile of not very good but still not so bad as to warrant a 1 star on IMDB…stuff.

It probably would have been better if it had stayed true to the original though (hot chick kills Nazis) I certainly would have been more likely to watch it if it had Nazis (or cybernetic zombie vampire Nazis.)

At one point there was some sort of troll monk guarding an ancient treasure, so our heroine explodes his face with a nail club, despite him being a servant of god, it’s ok because he was butt ugly.

Which reminds me, I don’t think this is set on earth, it’s some sort of fantasy land since not once is god actually mentioned by the monks or anyone really…But the cross features prominently and vampires are weak to it, although it is never actually shown how exactly they are weak to crosses.

I don’t think I’ve seen a good film in a wh- oh wait, that’s right .

So I also watched Shoot ‘Em Up a few weeks ago. Shoot ‘Em Up is basically what it says it is, a movie about a guy going around shooting other guys, except he looks really cool while doing it. Also there’s a baby.

Also he shoves a carrot through a guy’s throat, throws a guy into a helicopter’s blades, clears out rooms full of mooks, crashes into another car without a seatbelt on so he can get into the other car and pretty much looks really cool while doing it all.

Step right up, step right up! Get your BloodRaynes here! Two sexy vampires for the price of one! Dare you enter and experience not one but two reviews of films directed by Uwe Boll? And they’re both adapted from a videogame, the genre the mad German has made his own!

Please hand your money to my midget and take a seat inside the tent. A feast of nonsense awaits you!*

*Feasts and nonsense not guaranteed. No refunds will be given. 

BloodRayne (2005)

BloodRayne follows the adventures of Rayne, a half human, half vampire – like Blade, but ginger and with boobs – who sets off on a strange, erotic journey from Milan to Minsk. Nah, not really. That would have been awesome, though. Instead, she escapes from a circus freak show and teams up with a gang of vampire hunters called The Brimstone Society so she can track down and kill the vampire who raped her mother and made her a half-breed – like Blade, but… wait, I said that already.

As happens frequently with Uwe Boll’s films, this one has an interesting and diverse cast of actors who owed back taxes or needed a new kitchen. Loken! Madsen! Rodriguez! Kier! Zane! Kingsley! Loaf! See them all, together for the very first time, in a film about a sexy vampire shot in Romania. None of these thespians cover themselves in glory, and one in particular (that’ll be you, Sir Ben) seems to be under the impression that if he stands very still no one will notice him. Deluded fool! Don’t you know that trick only works if you put a lampshade on your head?

A tip of the hat must go to Meat Loaf, though, who uses his limited time onscreen to do an admirable impersonation of Hedonismbot off Futurama while surrounded by naked chicks (all local prostitutes, apparently, who were paid the handsome amount of 150 Euros by Dr Boll). Also, Michael Madsen continues to demonstrate that if he hates your script he is going to make no effort whatsoever to deliver your dialogue convincingly. Even when he [SPOILER] after being [SPOILER] in the [SPOILER] he still reacts with all the emotional intensity of a man waiting for a bus. It’s rare you see an actor unwilling to ham it up during a [SPOILER] scene.

Speaking of Michael Madsen, you might want to know what he thought of this one since Species 2 proved he was, like Superman, unable to lie:

"BloodRayne was an abomination. It’s a horrifying and preposterous movie."

He’s not wrong, but, as with Species 2, I have to confess (and I can hardly believe I’m saying this) I kind of liked BloodRayne. It’s horribly inept (except for the special effects, which are actually pretty good), but it’s the kind of ineptitude you can laugh at and, more importantly, it isn’t boring. Thank Christ, it wasn’t boring. That’s a minor miracle right there. The fight scenes are badly staged, but Boll compensates with hilarious gushing geysers of blood all over the place and more face stabbing than I’ve ever seen; the story is daft but watchable; it has a gratuitous and entirely unmotivated sex scene (the best kind of sex scene); and while Loken can’t act worth a damn she is nice to look at. In fact, she would have made an excellent alien sex monster.

Shit, now I’m having visions of Species V, starring Natasha Henstridge and Kristanna Loken as rival alien sex monsters who settle their differences with scissoring…

Right, I’m going away to think about that for a bit, and I’ll be back shortly with BloodRayne 2.

BloodRayne 2: Deliverance (2007)

Okay, I’m back.

Yeah, this one is boring. Dr Boll is up to his old tricks with BloodRayne 2, and his favourite old trick is taking a giant douche filled with boredom and squirting it up your rectum until it pours out of your eyes and ears, then encasing you in some kind of clear acrylic of boredom and putting you on display in the German Museum Of Really Boring Shit.

This one takes place in a different period, moving the ‘action’ from part one’s unspecified middle ages to the American old west. When a gang of unruly cowboy vampires (lead by Billy The Kid, who was apparently a vampire and had an ‘I vaant to suuck your bluud’ accent) make a nuisance of themselves in the frontier town of Deliverance, sexy vampire Rayne (played by Natassia Malthe this time) turns up on a horse to sort things out by stabbing everyone in the neck with her giant tonfa swords and not showing her boobs.

BloodRayne 2 doesn’t have a cast as good as part one, so you don’t get the entertainment of watching famous people stumbling around trying to figure out what the hell they’ve got themselves into. Which is a shame. I did like the guy who played Billy The Kid (Zack Ward, who I’m pretty sure was on that last episode of Dollhouse). He at least seemed to understand that a certain amount of over-acting is required in this kind of nonsense, and he delivers all his ham-fisted and oddly accented dialogue – “Thee taste of deespair eez so much sveeeter when eet’s torn from thee cradle of faaaith!” – like he studied every second of Jon Voight’s performance in Anaconda the way other actors study Marlon Brando in On The Waterfront.

Otherwise, this sequel is shit. The dramatically reduced budget means the film looks like crap, the effects are sparse, the lack of action makes you long for the ineptly staged fight scenes of part one, and there are not enough hilarious gushing geysers. Also, substitute Rayne Natassia Malthe remains stubbornly clothed throughout. For shame.

I guess if you love westerns and always wanted to see a really boring one with rubbish characters, endless creaky western cliches and a sexy vampire who doesn’t take her top off, you might get something out of BloodRayne 2; but if that is what you want I can only recommend you raise your expectations a little higher. I mean, at least fantasise about a shit western where the sexy vampire does take her top off. Have some standards, man.

The good news for all you BloodRayne fans out there is Dr Boll is hard at work on BloodRayne 3: Warhammer as we speak, and Boll has confirmed Kristanna Loken is returning as Rayne. It’s set during World War II and sees Rayne fighting Nazis while Dr Mengele tries to steal her blood and turn Hitler into a half-human, half-vampire, all-asshole super-powered uber-douche. Which sounds potentially awesome.

Don’t fuck it up, Uwe. And if you could throw a little gratuitous lesbianism in there it would be appreciated.

Eaters is a road movie with an extreme zombie theme. It tells a two-day journey of two men in search of survivors. Directed by Luca Boni and Marco Ristori and produced by offendor to film, Uwe Boll (although signs seem to suggest he is getting better). With the title of Eaters I was hoping it was a Joe Abercrombie inspired fantasy film, but we’re going to have to wait a while longer for that.

Quiet Earth posted the trailer and this translated synopsis:

This will be a difficult journey during which our (anti) heroes meet the characters as varied as they are alive or dead. Between neo-Nazis unscrupulous, a deranged painter, priests, murderers and so on and so forth, they will discover that maybe is not really the end of the world. Behind all this freakshow is the true idea of the movie, the clash of an evil is an (almost) well in a world decimated by a terrible female infertility (first) and the Great Infection (then) derived from his hope of to stem the problem of births zero.

It has become an in-joke among audiences that films adapted from videogames are going to suck, well as of 2010 that would be 90% correct and the other 10% is where producers have tried but failed.

But one has to ask why? growing up with videogames since I was a boy I have seen the leaps and bounds of technology and more importantly plot, character depth and filmable content.

The industry has even gone to such lengths as to get named Hollywood stars as voice actors amongst them including Academy Award nominee Mickey Rourke (The Wrestler) and Italian superstar Monica Bellucci (The Matrix sequels) while a number of film to game tie-ins such as ‘Shrek’ and ‘Avatar’ have included the original voices of their cinematic counterparts.

Videogame films have included the dreadful such as ‘Super Mario Bros’ (1993), a live-action version of the popular Nintendo franchise which started life a 2-d side scroller more appalling the film starred Academy Award nominees Bob Hoskins (Who Framed Roger Rabbit) and Dennis Hopper (Blue Velvet) and ‘Street Fighter’ (1994) starring Jean-Claude Van Damne and Australian pop star Kylie Minogue.

While these films were bad it may have been more as the former should have been an animated feature and the latter should have accepted itself as well, a fighting film.

Subsequent features included two ‘Mortal Kombat’ films in 1995 and 1997 and the completely forgotten ‘Wing Commander’ (1999).

Faith was restored however in 2001 when news come out that Oscar winner Angelina Jolie would be taking on the role of Lara Croft a character described as Indiana Jones with booty in a live action adaptation of the Eidos game ‘Tomb Raider’ (2001).

While the film certainly was a hit and its leading lady perfectly in tone (as much physically as looks) the film was criticised for its poor plot and slow pacing, the film however did well at the box-office and was followed by the less  successful ‘Tomb Raider and the Cradle of Life’ in 2003.

With such success other films followed, ‘Resident Evil’ (2002) a port of the wildly popular survival horror series about an evil corporation infecting its employees at a secret lab, the film took the basic elements and modernised it taking cues from zombie films by George A. Romero (Night of the Living Dead, Dawn of the Dead), ‘Aliens’ (1986) and even the Canadian ‘Cube’ (1998) and transforming the slower based game it was based on into a rip-roaring action-thriller starring Ukrainian actress-model Milla Jovovich (The Fifth Element).

The film did moderately well at the box-office and despite some criticism was commendable for retaining some of the magic that gamers had remembered, the same however could not be said of its sequels ‘Resident Evil: Apocalypse’ (2004) and ‘Resident Evil: Extinction’ (2007) while a fourth instalment ‘Resident Evil: Afterlife’ is due for release in September 2010 and will be a 3-D experience.

Mostly notoriously however German director Uwe Boll brought upon the world direct to DVD fare such as ‘House of the Dead’ (2003) a low-budget no brains adaptation of the Sega light gun game however despite some of the worst reviews in cinematic history Boll was given bigger budgets and name actors for other ventures.

Among these included other almost forgotten videogames such as ‘Alone in the Dark’ (2004) which starred Christian Slater and Tara Reid and was unsurprsingly a main contender at the Golden Raspberry Awards (Razzies) that year but this still didn’t stop Boll who continued this empire of trash with ‘BloodRayne’ (2005) dealing with vampires and its sequel in 2007 and ‘In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale’ (also 2007).

By comparison Boll makes previous incarnations of videogames seem ‘Gone with the Wind’ or ‘Citizen Kane’ compared to his work and he still works often putting out films whether as director or producer.

While supernatural horror ‘Silent Hill’ (2006) if it wasn’t a great film it was an improvement (and did well at the box-office) for its imagination, sold enough performances and for being faithful to the series that spawned it taking viewers into a haunted, disturbing surreal world.

More recently Academy Award nominated actor Mark Wahlberg (The Departed) was cast as the titular character in ‘Max Payne’ (2008)  the dark film-noir action thriller of a man seeking revenge for the death of his wife and newly born daughter, the film did well at the box-office hitting #1 in the US but was not liked by critics unsurprisingly, though it was an improvement on earlier videogame features.

2009 saw the little known release of ‘Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun Li’ which was immediately forgotten this year however with news that producer Jerry Bruckheimer is hoping for a ‘Pirates of the Caribbean’ type smash with a new trilogy based on ‘The Prince of Persia’, the popular Ubisoft game with the first chapter in the series ‘The Sands of Time’ hitting cinemas in May 2010 and starring Jake Gyllenhaal and Ben Kingsley.

Why do most videogame films suck then?

Thanks to ‘Lara Croft: Tomb Raider’, ‘Resident Evil’, ‘Silent Hill’ and ‘Max Payne’ videogame adaptations aren’t dead though there is a lot that needs done with them and films based on fighting games are most times a bad idea while adaptations like Mario Bros. are immediately doomed as live action films.

Maybe the future will change this much debated and disliked sub-genre but as games develop even more in terms of creativity, sales and an ever fastening and changing audience videogame films maybe a thing of the past.

Thin As Thieves
Two overweight men decide on a new fad diet: to only eat what they can steal.
Based on the November 2008 New York Times article.

Huffers
Set in the competitive and surprisingly quirky world of glue huffing.
Writer: Diablo Cody

Hack To The Future
Uwe Boll is sent 150 years into the future, to a time when movies have been completely replaced by online videos. Can today’s vapid director teach tomorrow’s vapid society the art of the moving picture?
Writer: N/A

Harlem Globefathers
The fathers of the famous basketball team challenge their sons to a charity game, but when the dads win, they decide to join the league for real.
Bill Cosby and Kareem Abdul Jabbar in talks to star.
Based on a pitch by Bill Cosby.

I want to take you to a Vietnam that may not have ever existed!

Screenplay By: Uwe Boll
Directed By: Uwe Boll

You may be thinking to yourself, “Why Bill? Why are you reviewing another Uwe Boll film when there are so many great films that you have yet to get to?” The answer to that is simple, and if you know me, you know what I am about to say, I love the work of Uwe Boll. He has one movie in particular that transcends the “so bad it’s good” moniker and is so bad that it is legitimately a great film. He also has one movie in Postal, that I have yet to see, that is supposedly good in an, ummm, good way. I won’t harp on this every time I review a Boll film, but I will review them because I believe he does something that is sorely missing from film today, he makes terrible films that are terrible in the best possible way. I get a huge kick out of watching his movies, and Tunnel Rats was no exception.

There’s no need for me to go too in depth about Tunnel Rats, it is what you think it is. If you want bad dialogue, suffocating camera work, hilariously awful meta moments and some of the worst acting you will ever see in a film then you can’t go wrong with Tunnel Rats. I’m not going to delve into any of those realms for this review, but I will touch on possibly my favorite “Fuck, Boll is insane,” passing thought. At some point it began to occur to me that Boll didn’t bother to do any actual research on the Vietnam conflict. His research consisted of watching Platoon, Apocalypse Now, Rescue Dawn and The Descent and then saying, “Screw all this good shit, we need inept American soldiers randomly shooting at shit and Asians who have two lines in the entire film.” The fact that Boll has the audacity to make a film so fraudulent about such a monumental event in modern history is a testament to his awesomeness and the awesomeness found in the terrible work that is Tunnel Rats.

That’s all I have to say really, there isn’t much need for a wrap up paragraph. Tunnel Rats is awful, but it’s awful in the best way. If you enjoy movies so bad that they are good then Tunnel Rats will be enjoyable for you. It is lesser Boll, but still good Boll, and you can never get enough of the good Boll, and with that I bid you adieu.

Rating:

*

Cheers,
Bill

‘What about Postal or BloodRayne?’ he wonders

With nearly 30 films under his belt, writer-director Uwe Boll is prolific by any standard. He’s also known for being the biggest hack in the industry, so when only three of his films appeared on Metacritic’s “Worst Movies of the Decade” list, Boll was understandably upset.

“Each movie I make is another chance to cement my spot as the worst auteur in Hollywood. I take that very seriously,” he said. “At first glance, yes, more of my movies made the list than anyone else’s, but only three? There could have been a dozen, at least.”

Boll’s trio of films deemed horrendous enough to warrant “worst” status were House of the Dead, In The Name of The King and Alone In The Dark, with miserable scores of 30, 15 and 9, respectively.

“On top of the fact that they didn’t even include my other works like Postal, BloodRayne and Blackwoods, I also had just one film with a single digit score,” he complained. “It’s bullshit.”

But it isn’t all bad, says Boll. According to the German-born director, Metacritic has basically issued him a challenge, and it’s one he intends to meet with his entire arsenal of bad storylines, terrible direction and objectionable themes.

“This next decade will be my worst yet,” said Boll. “I guarantee it.”

I was disappointed but not surprised. The game is set on lush tropical islands and dense rainforests. The enemies were skilful, rugged mercenaries. And later, the island becomes overrun with genetically enhanced monkeys and strong, brutish mutant humans.

Thrilling great fun with thematic elements aplenty.

This movie adaptation had none of this. No character development at all. The only thing faithful it had was the main title, and that only lasted 2 seconds. Also, the late Don S. Davis is in it, who I think is a professional in his own right.

Other than that; this is nothing new for Uwe Boll.

Christmas, huh? It makes people go completely nuts, and for what?

I ventured forth onto the high street yesterday, and was amazed to see the town crawling with people. It was almost a scene out of a zombie flick, with the mindless husks of former people shuffling along towards their ultimate goal. Not brains, thank fuck, but cheap crap. They pile their shopping trolleys full of the nastiest, most foul food they can find, the worst DVD’s they can get their hands on – just because a Uwe Boll DVD is only £1.99, doesn’t mean it’s any better than at full price – and expect the hole in their soul will be filled thanks to excessive and idiotic purchasing.

Wrong. Filing the hole deep in your essence is what cocaine is for.

I hate Christmas, especially because of the universe’s fun and games at my expense. Want to play along, and see who has the worst luck at this time of year? Fine. Let me start with a minor annoyance and work my way up to full-on cataclysm as this post progresses.

The minor annoyance is the television. Or, rather, the beige box which used to be a television, but which is now an oversized paperweight. It started acting strange on Wednesday, which was – not unsurprisingly – two weeks to the day that the five-year guarantee ran out. It made a wheezing sound, then had a fit of some kind. The sound, thereafter, was out of synch with the visuals. It continued on for a while, but the signs were obvious – it was on life support, and fading fast. When I switched it on this morning I was presented with a black screen and the sound of a mouse caught in the back of the television.

Squeak-squeak-squeak-squeak-squeak-squeak-

Loud enough to make me spill my coffee down the front of my shirt, and setting me off on a bad mood from which no amount of swearing and stomping around will bring me out of. It’s almost as if they make the damn things so that they are designed to break after they fall out of guarantee. What is it with Goodmans televisions anyway? This is the second one I’ve got my hands on, and they seem to self-destruct at an alarming rate. The first, which was dead on arrival, obviously came from the “no refund” pile at the back of the store, but luckily I bought the five-year plan. All was sorted, and the replacement arrived within two weeks.

I’m sure they stack televisions in piles according to when they expire, because they always manage to stay operational until the moment that they are no longer covered by insurance. It’s a pain in the ass, especially since I now have to contend with the yahoo’s running around trying to get all of their Christmas shopping done at the last possible moment. Thank you Goodmans. Now, if I could only work out how to hook up my Freeview box to my computer monitor…

But that isn’t the best part of my week.

It turns out that the job I was expecting to waltz into again is no longer there for me. Which means that my non-existent savings will have to stretch further than ever before, adding pressure to my already maxed-out credit card. I knew that there was the possibility that there would be a reshuffle within the company due to the economic climate, but this came straight out of the blue. I was promised a position by someone who no longer works there, so I’m not gonna make a scene.

Even better…

My brother called and told me that his apartment manager has given him a two month notice. Over Christmas, when everything is closed, it will be impossible to get a place set up. It appears I may have him, his SO, and their kid coming to stay for an unspecified length of time at some point in January. Fucking marvelous. I want my family to feel that my door is always open to them, but I never expected any of them would be foolish enough to accept my implied invitation. The timeframe for this event is worryingly vague, and I have the feeling that there may not be enough time to hide all of my first editions, rare comics, and enough DVDs to open a Blockbusters. Everyone knows what kids are like, and my niece isn’t getting anywhere near my Gold Key collection…

It’s below zero here. There is a layer of ice on the windows, and the garden is covered in a blanket of frost. My television is dead, I have no job, there are family members coming to stay, and I haven’t slept in three days. I can’t think of a better excuse to ban this ridiculous holiday immediately.

Bah, humbug…

Και τρίτη ταινία Bloodrayne ετοιμάζει ο Uwe Boll | Game 2.0

O Uwe Boll, ίσως ο χειρότερος σκηνοθέτης του πλανήτη, προφανώς δεν μας λυπάται και συνεχίζει την παραγωγή πατατών.

 

Αυτή τη φορά μαθαίνουμε ότι ετοιμάζει την τρίτη ταινία Bloodrayne, ονόματι Bloodrayne 3: Warhammer. Την Rayne θα υποδυθεί και πάλι η Kristanna Loken, της οποίας τα κάλλη είναι αρκετά υπερτιμημένα κατ’ εμέ.[more]

Revenge is coming.

Há uns meses atrás, o meu amigo páscoa, que lança foguetes nas festas populares e que de vez em quando faz uns trabalhos para a malta do cinema, ligou-me a dizer que um tal de Miguel Gay (lol), lá da terra das laranjas, lhe fez uma encomenda de 14 toneladas de fogo-de-artifício, para uma curta metragem que iria fazer. Perguntei-lhe se não era para o filme Trasformers: Revenge of The Fallen, ao que me respondeu que essa encomenda era 14 milhões maior. Após ser sujeito a tortura, desde as quais digo que me queriam fazer o mesmo que ao Daniel Craig no Casino Royale ou assistir a uma maratona de filmes do Cantinflas, só me sujeitei a ver este filme após ameaças sérias de não tornar a ver filmes de Uwe Boll. Para começar temos bastantes momentos humorísticos durante os 150 minutos de fita. Desde ver a mãe drogada no Campus Universitário, ao regresso aclamado de John Turturro, várias são as vezes que o sorriso nos aparece na face. Mas pelo contrário, todo o fogo-de-artifício utilizado é pouco para o que se vê em ecrã. O Egipto resistiu a Alexandre, o Grande, a Aníbal, a Júlio César ( o Romano, não o Brasileiro), a Hitler e até ao 007 de Roger Moore, mas não resistiu a Michael Bay. É vê-lo a arrebentar com pirâmides, casa típicas, monumentos históricos. E não satisfeito, polui oceanos com lixo que esta nos porta-aviões, bota fogo a florestas, arrebenta com universidades. Pelos vistos este homem tem um complexo de rebentar. É feliz quando estoira com alguma coisa. Ouvi dizer que o governo egípcio já pôs um prêmio sob a cabeça de Bay, dois camelos e três bolas de cuzcuz. Acreditem ou não, na invasão por parte das tropas dos U.S.A. em areias do país das Pirâmides, vi um chaimite tuga. Ainda falam dos filmes do Uwe Boll, ponham mas é os olhos nisto. Razão tinha o Shia para andar a fazer caricaturas sobre o poster de Bad Boys II. De Michael Bay, com Shia LaBeouf, Megan Fox, Josh Duhamel, Tyrese Gibson, John Turturro, Ramon Rodriguez, Kevin Dunn, Julie WhiteIsabel Lucas, John Benjamin Hickey, Matthew Marsden, Andrew Howard, Michael Papajohn, Glenn Morshower e John Eric Bentley.

Oh Bay, que granda foguete que aqui arrebentou. Foi Pólvora a mais, disse-me agora o tio Páscoa

Bay Sucks

Ya tenía rato que no escribíamos nada de Uwe Boll, pero con el chisme del día de hoy tenemos para un buen rato. Todo resulta en que el director más odiado por los jóvenes está con la intención de hacer una secuela de su film de Bloodrayne.

En los blogs de películas se dice que intentará llevar por nombre: “Bloodrayne 3: Warhammer”. También se dice que Kirstanna Loken volverá a hacer el papel principal.

Si las amenazas son ciertas, la filmación de la cinta sería a partir del mes de enero del siguiente año pero quien en su sano juicio iría a ver una película de Uwe Boll?.

Due to the Film General being the strictest and most professional officer I have ever come across it has taken a while to prove myself to him.

Through constant drill excercise and psychological examinations (Consists of watching every Uwe Boll movie ever made, only the toughest may survive) I have been given a rank so I may add my reviews to this site.

I must warn those before hand that my style differs quite a bit from the general himself, as i tend to try and find as much humour within the movie industry as possible, and believe me there is a lot.

So here I am ready to throw in some of my starting views to the general public to help this site reach its maximum potential and aid my General in anyway that he needs.

Great plot: check. Great characters: check. Great music: check. Great enemies: check. Great video game movies:………. hello? It should be a straightforward conversion, but decades on and gamers still await the arrival of a decent film adaptation. What gives? Ross McD and We Love Movies’ Gordon Hayden look over some of the travesties…

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

Dr Uwe Boll (pronounced Oovay Bowel) is back with another game/ movie tie in!  Stand aside you Brett Ratners and Paul W Andersons of the world as the king of hacks is back!

This time he’s not throwing C list name actors at us as I suspect he’s realised that between the Far Cry game title and his own name there will be enough noteriety to get this into the hands of horrified gamers and bemused movie lovers throughout the world.  And you know what?  Good luck to him - there have been an extremely small number of games that came over well to the world of cinema so I really don’t see this as a wasted oportunity at all.  See you on Zone Horror in a few months Uwe!

Possibly needs more Jason Statham and Diora Baird though.

See what you think anyway (Far Cry is on DVD right now in the UK, November 29th in US!):

(DvS Edit: There’s another version of the trailer over at the following link, should you really feel you’re not getting as much of a fix as you’d really have liked. IGN Video: Far Cry DVD Trailer – Trailer.)

Pannkaj Kapoor’s Mausam would have seen an outburst of romance if Kareena and Shahid were still a couple.Apparently Pankaj had written the script keeping Kareena in mind when his son was dating the actress.
The movie got postponed after Shahid-kareena breakup as Pankaj had to scrape all his plans on casting Kareena as the lead.Moreover the debutante director could not find anybody to produce his movie before Religare Vistaar Entertainment agreed to do it.

“Things are fine now but they can’t go back to Kareena saying that they want her to do the film. They are feeling quite awkward about asking her to star opposite Shahid and hence they have decided to launch a nationwide hunt to look for a girl who will be suitable for the film.” a source revealed.

When asked whether he wanted Kareena for his film, Pankaj said, “Who told you this? I am still writing the script. How can I think of casting actors before I have completed my script? I will further talk when we are ready to roll.”

“Well, Shahid and Kareena look fabulous together on screen. But we are now having a nationwide hunt for the lead actress for Mausam.” Producer Sheetal Talwar commented

Kareena who had no idea about this till she was contacted and asked about Pankaj Kapoor‘ writing a script keeping her and Shahid in mind,said,” “If they have a good script and a good role and ask me to do it, I see no reason why I shouldn’t.”

Now that’s what we call professionalism !

5. Remove the Car Bomb-Transporter 2

I actually forgot why I even decided to see Transporter 2.  Never did see the first one, the second didn’t look great and I never saw the third either.  However, I did wind up seeing the film and it’s one that has disbelief written all over it.  One scene in particular, however, left me completely speechless at how bluntly unrealistic it was.  If you’ve seen the film, then you know that Statham’s car winds up having a bomb under it so what does he do?  He jumps off a ramp causing his car to spin around, the bottom of the car barely scrapes a crane hook that perfectly removes the bomb without issue and he still lands with little to no problem.  Normally I’d go into more detail, but I think watching the scene yourself should put it into perspective.

4. Refrigerator vs. Nuke-Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

The Indiana Jones films have always been a favorite of mine.  Though Temple of Doom was always my childhood favorite, the other two (of the original trilogy) have since grown on me and I actually enjoy Last Crusade the most.  So it goes without saying I was quite curious as to how good Kingdom of the Crystal Skull would be.  Unfortunately, it does not hold a flag to its predecessors and there’s one scene in particular that I whispered to myself “I do believe that this is the most unrealistic scene ever.”  Towards the beginning, Jones finds out that he’s in an area about to be nuked so what does he do?  He hides in a refrigerator.  And since this is shortly into the film with our hero’s life at stake he of course manages to survive with the fridge conveniently being the only object that gets blasted away and lands in tact.

3. Needle vs. Bullet to the Skin-Far Cry

Alright, just so everyone knows, I actually how not seen this film and I never intend to.  I shelled money out for an Uwe Boll film once before and I will never do so again.  But I saw a review for this film which went through the entire film and one part that stood out in an idiotic way was towards the beginning when the super soldiers are tested.  During this scene, we find that the mutated skin can essentially bounce bullets back like rubber but after things go out of control they manage to suppress it with a needle to the skin.  That’s right, the skin is impervious to bullets yet needles go in without an issue.  Figure that out on your own.

2. Spin Back Time-Superman

I’m going to shamelessly admit that I haven’t seen any of the original Superman films.  In fact, other than the most recent film, Superman Returns, all I’ve seen of Superman at all are gameplay videos of Superman on the N64 and him in the TV show Justice League.  So it should go without saying I know about this scene from someone who did a video on the film and the turned out to be one by Doug Walker aka the Nostalgia Critic.  The video was a Top 11 countdown of the dumbest Superman moments and at number one was when Superman turns the world back to reverse time.  Apparently causing the Earth’s rotation to reverse would be the key to spinning back time.  I guess I’d better build a really fast airplane to do this and bring me back to my high school days.

1. Every Scene-Batman & Robin

Even though this list is supposed to be for single scenes from a single film, Joel Schumacher’s hilariously bad sequel to Batman Forever (which he also directed) has so many impossible scenes packed in together that I really can’t think of any other film that hits quite as low.  I won’t state every one of the scenes but here’s just a few of them:  Schwarzenegger surviving water that’s 50 degrees below zero, his freeze gun landing on top of a curved statue perfectly like a magnet, Batgirl jumping off her motorcycle onto Robin’s…swamp-like machine for a few seconds to jump back on her bike which has managed to keep up with the Batmobile and Robin without falling over, the bathooks always managing to hit/grab surfaces strong enough to pull our heroes forward, Batman and Robin air surfing using doors as boards while casually heading back down to the ground, etc.  If a single movie can actually top the level of implausibility here, then I think we’re in trouble.

Existe uma coisa que deixa os gamers malucos de excitação, mas ao mesmo tempo com muito medo do que pode acontecer: adaptações em filme dos nossos games favoritos. Quem nunca imaginou franquias como Metal Gear, Devil May Cry ou God of War na telona? Com certeza games assim têm potencial para um ótimo filme.

No entanto, a história nos mostra que filmes baseados em games raramente dão certo. Basta ver o que fizeram com Mario, Final Fantasy, Street Fighter e, mais recentemente, Max Payne (não vou nem comentar os “clássicos” criados pelo Uwe Boll, porque o que ele faz está muito longe de ser chamado de filme).

Mas existe uma luz no fim do túnel! Finalmente, foi liberado um trailer oficial do filme Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time. Pelo pouco que dá para ver no trailer, a adaptação tem diversos elementos do primeiro game, como a adaga do tempo, as areias do tempo só podem ser utilizadas pelo príncipe, e é possível ver as acrobacias fantásticas do herói, marca registrada da série. Além disso, os cenários são gigantescos, e os efeitos especiais estão fantásticos.

Agora resta saber o mais importante: se a história do filme será fiel à do primeiro game. Eu aposto todas as minhas fichas de que o filme alcançará esse feito, que parece tão simples, mas que ninguém consegue em filmes sobre jogos, e que a trilogia iniciada por Sands of Times nos games se tornará uma trilogia de filmes, o que possibilitaria contar a história da série muito bem. Por que eu acho tudo isso? Porque o filme está sendo feito pelo mesmo estúdio que criou a série Piratas do Caribe. Se a Disney não conseguir fazer um filme bom baseado em um game, realmente não existe salvação para as adaptações de games na telona.

Trailer de Prince of Persia: Sands of Time

Fato curioso: Vocês notaram que a roupa do príncipe não é a do primeiro game, e sim do segundo? Será que isso indica que já estão pensando em uma continuação baseada em Warrior Within? Só o tempo dirá…

Video game adaptations are traditionally lacklustre attempts to latch onto a well established fan base. Some have argued that the two industries need to stop looking over the fence so often. Others have said that the problem with these video game adaptations is that Uwe Boll usually takes the helm. The film flops, the fans dispair and everyone feels a little bit more dirty afterwards. There was that interesting scene though, where the camera went all third person and it was like you were watching someone playing the..oh..that doesn’t constitute a reward for the fan? Then I digress.

Walt Disney Pictures and Jerry “CSI, Yeeeaaaaah!” Bruckheimer have decided that enough is enough. Throw more money into the equation and you will reap the benefits, while at the same time, not leave the audience wanting to gouge out their retina’s at the first sight of a poorly cast character.

Anyway, the new trailer is up for the new Prince of Persia flick, starring Jake Gyllanhaal, Gemma Arterton and The Honourable, esteemed Sir Ben of Kinglsey.

Heres the official synopsis:

From the team that brought the “Pirates of the Caribbean” trilogy to the big screen, Walt Disney Pictures and Jerry Bruckheimer Films present PRINCE OF PERSIA: THE SANDS OF TIME, an epic action-adventure set in the mystical lands of Persia. A rogue prince (Jake Gyllanhaal) reluctantly joins forces with a mysterious princess (Gemma Arterton) and together, they race against dark forces to safeguard an ancient dagger capable of releasing the Sands of Time—a gift from the gods that can reverse time and allow its possessor to rule the world.

Looks worth the watch and I imagine it should fair strongly at the box office. The only concern I have is whether a film like this will take itself too seriously and end up looking like a camped up Persian Spiderman with daggers. If the English accents are anything to go by (and I hope they are not), we are in for some interesting parodies on the tube for years to come

Heres the Clip,

Dré

The sweater, the finger, the director of "Darfur"

Known and disdained for his beyond-bad video game adaptations, director Uwe Boll has decided to use his cinematic powers for good. Which might not work out well, considering how inept he is. Nonetheless, production has wrapped on Boll’s Darfur, a film about the conflict in Sudan starring Edward Furlong and Kristanna Loken of Terminator franchise fame, and also Billy Zane, who I last remember as the villain in Titanic. No, not the iceberg, smartass. The bald dude.

I’m trying not to make fun, because genocide isn’t all that funny — and I’d like to believe that maybe Boll is a talented, sensitive director at heart who got caught up in the easy money that comes with Hollywood hackery — but the trailer is out and I watched it and it contains a spelling error (“existance”). Which is fine, I make typos all the time all over this blog, but that combined with this story from Cinematical about Boll using actual refugees to recreate their own rape experiences? Something tells me even this slow-and-serious change of pace won’t help Boll’s flaccid Rotten Tomatoes ratings.

Peter Hall reports:

Now it would be easy to not take the film seriously given who is involved, but I can attest that there was genuine frustration in Boll’s voice when he talked about tackling the material. However, the credibility he earned by showing a more noble side than one normally sees in his filmography quickly took a nose dive as Boll explained he used actual Darfur refugees in making the film. That sounds no alarms at first, but he further explained that he had actual rape victims in his cast, victims who were asked to re-enact their rape on camera; because that kind of ‘honesty’ was the only way he could capture how dire the situation is.

Right, because the best thing for refugees is to have a B-movie director not only recreate, but reinforce their identity of victimhood. Also, he talks about ‘honesty’ as if he has never seen or heard of a ‘documentary’. Which in all fairness, might be true. Actually, there’s so much wrong with the ‘honesty’ comment (paraphrased, I know) I don’t even want to try to unpack it. Of course, it’s not like Boll can force any actor in his films to do anything against their will, but shit guys, you ever think that maybe he can? I can’t imagine that anybody — Ben Kingsley? Michael Madsen? — was a willing participant in Bloodrayne. Or it’s sequel. Or it’s third installment, currently in production. I’m just saying, I hope you never find yourself on this guy’s casting couch. Who knows what kind of shit movie role he’ll talk you into.

To end, let us count the ways of Boll:

1. Boll’s highest rated film on Rotten Tomatoes is Blackwoods, clocking in at 11 per cent.
2. All four of Boll’s video game-based movies appear on IMDb’s Bottom 100 list.
3. Boll’s average IMDb rating is 2.44 (on a scale of 10).
4. Boll is a multiple Razzie-winner, Worst Director natch.
5. Boll challenged his worst critics to  “put up or shut up” boxing matches.
6. And he plans to use those boxing matches as scenes in a future movie. (You believe me now?)

(via)