‘What about Postal or BloodRayne?’ he wonders

With nearly 30 films under his belt, writer-director Uwe Boll is prolific by any standard. He’s also known for being the biggest hack in the industry, so when only three of his films appeared on Metacritic’s “Worst Movies of the Decade” list, Boll was understandably upset.

“Each movie I make is another chance to cement my spot as the worst auteur in Hollywood. I take that very seriously,” he said. “At first glance, yes, more of my movies made the list than anyone else’s, but only three? There could have been a dozen, at least.”

Boll’s trio of films deemed horrendous enough to warrant “worst” status were House of the Dead, In The Name of The King and Alone In The Dark, with miserable scores of 30, 15 and 9, respectively.

“On top of the fact that they didn’t even include my other works like Postal, BloodRayne and Blackwoods, I also had just one film with a single digit score,” he complained. “It’s bullshit.”

But it isn’t all bad, says Boll. According to the German-born director, Metacritic has basically issued him a challenge, and it’s one he intends to meet with his entire arsenal of bad storylines, terrible direction and objectionable themes.

“This next decade will be my worst yet,” said Boll. “I guarantee it.”

I was disappointed but not surprised. The game is set on lush tropical islands and dense rainforests. The enemies were skilful, rugged mercenaries. And later, the island becomes overrun with genetically enhanced monkeys and strong, brutish mutant humans.

Thrilling great fun with thematic elements aplenty.

This movie adaptation had none of this. No character development at all. The only thing faithful it had was the main title, and that only lasted 2 seconds. Also, the late Don S. Davis is in it, who I think is a professional in his own right.

Other than that; this is nothing new for Uwe Boll.

Christmas, huh? It makes people go completely nuts, and for what?

I ventured forth onto the high street yesterday, and was amazed to see the town crawling with people. It was almost a scene out of a zombie flick, with the mindless husks of former people shuffling along towards their ultimate goal. Not brains, thank fuck, but cheap crap. They pile their shopping trolleys full of the nastiest, most foul food they can find, the worst DVD’s they can get their hands on – just because a Uwe Boll DVD is only £1.99, doesn’t mean it’s any better than at full price – and expect the hole in their soul will be filled thanks to excessive and idiotic purchasing.

Wrong. Filing the hole deep in your essence is what cocaine is for.

I hate Christmas, especially because of the universe’s fun and games at my expense. Want to play along, and see who has the worst luck at this time of year? Fine. Let me start with a minor annoyance and work my way up to full-on cataclysm as this post progresses.

The minor annoyance is the television. Or, rather, the beige box which used to be a television, but which is now an oversized paperweight. It started acting strange on Wednesday, which was – not unsurprisingly – two weeks to the day that the five-year guarantee ran out. It made a wheezing sound, then had a fit of some kind. The sound, thereafter, was out of synch with the visuals. It continued on for a while, but the signs were obvious – it was on life support, and fading fast. When I switched it on this morning I was presented with a black screen and the sound of a mouse caught in the back of the television.

Squeak-squeak-squeak-squeak-squeak-squeak-

Loud enough to make me spill my coffee down the front of my shirt, and setting me off on a bad mood from which no amount of swearing and stomping around will bring me out of. It’s almost as if they make the damn things so that they are designed to break after they fall out of guarantee. What is it with Goodmans televisions anyway? This is the second one I’ve got my hands on, and they seem to self-destruct at an alarming rate. The first, which was dead on arrival, obviously came from the “no refund” pile at the back of the store, but luckily I bought the five-year plan. All was sorted, and the replacement arrived within two weeks.

I’m sure they stack televisions in piles according to when they expire, because they always manage to stay operational until the moment that they are no longer covered by insurance. It’s a pain in the ass, especially since I now have to contend with the yahoo’s running around trying to get all of their Christmas shopping done at the last possible moment. Thank you Goodmans. Now, if I could only work out how to hook up my Freeview box to my computer monitor…

But that isn’t the best part of my week.

It turns out that the job I was expecting to waltz into again is no longer there for me. Which means that my non-existent savings will have to stretch further than ever before, adding pressure to my already maxed-out credit card. I knew that there was the possibility that there would be a reshuffle within the company due to the economic climate, but this came straight out of the blue. I was promised a position by someone who no longer works there, so I’m not gonna make a scene.

Even better…

My brother called and told me that his apartment manager has given him a two month notice. Over Christmas, when everything is closed, it will be impossible to get a place set up. It appears I may have him, his SO, and their kid coming to stay for an unspecified length of time at some point in January. Fucking marvelous. I want my family to feel that my door is always open to them, but I never expected any of them would be foolish enough to accept my implied invitation. The timeframe for this event is worryingly vague, and I have the feeling that there may not be enough time to hide all of my first editions, rare comics, and enough DVDs to open a Blockbusters. Everyone knows what kids are like, and my niece isn’t getting anywhere near my Gold Key collection…

It’s below zero here. There is a layer of ice on the windows, and the garden is covered in a blanket of frost. My television is dead, I have no job, there are family members coming to stay, and I haven’t slept in three days. I can’t think of a better excuse to ban this ridiculous holiday immediately.

Bah, humbug…

Και τρίτη ταινία Bloodrayne ετοιμάζει ο Uwe Boll | Game 2.0

O Uwe Boll, ίσως ο χειρότερος σκηνοθέτης του πλανήτη, προφανώς δεν μας λυπάται και συνεχίζει την παραγωγή πατατών.

 

Αυτή τη φορά μαθαίνουμε ότι ετοιμάζει την τρίτη ταινία Bloodrayne, ονόματι Bloodrayne 3: Warhammer. Την Rayne θα υποδυθεί και πάλι η Kristanna Loken, της οποίας τα κάλλη είναι αρκετά υπερτιμημένα κατ’ εμέ.[more]

Revenge is coming.

Há uns meses atrás, o meu amigo páscoa, que lança foguetes nas festas populares e que de vez em quando faz uns trabalhos para a malta do cinema, ligou-me a dizer que um tal de Miguel Gay (lol), lá da terra das laranjas, lhe fez uma encomenda de 14 toneladas de fogo-de-artifício, para uma curta metragem que iria fazer. Perguntei-lhe se não era para o filme Trasformers: Revenge of The Fallen, ao que me respondeu que essa encomenda era 14 milhões maior. Após ser sujeito a tortura, desde as quais digo que me queriam fazer o mesmo que ao Daniel Craig no Casino Royale ou assistir a uma maratona de filmes do Cantinflas, só me sujeitei a ver este filme após ameaças sérias de não tornar a ver filmes de Uwe Boll. Para começar temos bastantes momentos humorísticos durante os 150 minutos de fita. Desde ver a mãe drogada no Campus Universitário, ao regresso aclamado de John Turturro, várias são as vezes que o sorriso nos aparece na face. Mas pelo contrário, todo o fogo-de-artifício utilizado é pouco para o que se vê em ecrã. O Egipto resistiu a Alexandre, o Grande, a Aníbal, a Júlio César ( o Romano, não o Brasileiro), a Hitler e até ao 007 de Roger Moore, mas não resistiu a Michael Bay. É vê-lo a arrebentar com pirâmides, casa típicas, monumentos históricos. E não satisfeito, polui oceanos com lixo que esta nos porta-aviões, bota fogo a florestas, arrebenta com universidades. Pelos vistos este homem tem um complexo de rebentar. É feliz quando estoira com alguma coisa. Ouvi dizer que o governo egípcio já pôs um prêmio sob a cabeça de Bay, dois camelos e três bolas de cuzcuz. Acreditem ou não, na invasão por parte das tropas dos U.S.A. em areias do país das Pirâmides, vi um chaimite tuga. Ainda falam dos filmes do Uwe Boll, ponham mas é os olhos nisto. Razão tinha o Shia para andar a fazer caricaturas sobre o poster de Bad Boys II. De Michael Bay, com Shia LaBeouf, Megan Fox, Josh Duhamel, Tyrese Gibson, John Turturro, Ramon Rodriguez, Kevin Dunn, Julie WhiteIsabel Lucas, John Benjamin Hickey, Matthew Marsden, Andrew Howard, Michael Papajohn, Glenn Morshower e John Eric Bentley.

Oh Bay, que granda foguete que aqui arrebentou. Foi Pólvora a mais, disse-me agora o tio Páscoa

Bay Sucks

Ya tenía rato que no escribíamos nada de Uwe Boll, pero con el chisme del día de hoy tenemos para un buen rato. Todo resulta en que el director más odiado por los jóvenes está con la intención de hacer una secuela de su film de Bloodrayne.

En los blogs de películas se dice que intentará llevar por nombre: “Bloodrayne 3: Warhammer”. También se dice que Kirstanna Loken volverá a hacer el papel principal.

Si las amenazas son ciertas, la filmación de la cinta sería a partir del mes de enero del siguiente año pero quien en su sano juicio iría a ver una película de Uwe Boll?.

Due to the Film General being the strictest and most professional officer I have ever come across it has taken a while to prove myself to him.

Through constant drill excercise and psychological examinations (Consists of watching every Uwe Boll movie ever made, only the toughest may survive) I have been given a rank so I may add my reviews to this site.

I must warn those before hand that my style differs quite a bit from the general himself, as i tend to try and find as much humour within the movie industry as possible, and believe me there is a lot.

So here I am ready to throw in some of my starting views to the general public to help this site reach its maximum potential and aid my General in anyway that he needs.

Great plot: check. Great characters: check. Great music: check. Great enemies: check. Great video game movies:………. hello? It should be a straightforward conversion, but decades on and gamers still await the arrival of a decent film adaptation. What gives? Ross McD and We Love Movies’ Gordon Hayden look over some of the travesties…

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

Dr Uwe Boll (pronounced Oovay Bowel) is back with another game/ movie tie in!  Stand aside you Brett Ratners and Paul W Andersons of the world as the king of hacks is back!

This time he’s not throwing C list name actors at us as I suspect he’s realised that between the Far Cry game title and his own name there will be enough noteriety to get this into the hands of horrified gamers and bemused movie lovers throughout the world.  And you know what?  Good luck to him - there have been an extremely small number of games that came over well to the world of cinema so I really don’t see this as a wasted oportunity at all.  See you on Zone Horror in a few months Uwe!

Possibly needs more Jason Statham and Diora Baird though.

See what you think anyway (Far Cry is on DVD right now in the UK, November 29th in US!):

(DvS Edit: There’s another version of the trailer over at the following link, should you really feel you’re not getting as much of a fix as you’d really have liked. IGN Video: Far Cry DVD Trailer – Trailer.)

Pannkaj Kapoor’s Mausam would have seen an outburst of romance if Kareena and Shahid were still a couple.Apparently Pankaj had written the script keeping Kareena in mind when his son was dating the actress.
The movie got postponed after Shahid-kareena breakup as Pankaj had to scrape all his plans on casting Kareena as the lead.Moreover the debutante director could not find anybody to produce his movie before Religare Vistaar Entertainment agreed to do it.

“Things are fine now but they can’t go back to Kareena saying that they want her to do the film. They are feeling quite awkward about asking her to star opposite Shahid and hence they have decided to launch a nationwide hunt to look for a girl who will be suitable for the film.” a source revealed.

When asked whether he wanted Kareena for his film, Pankaj said, “Who told you this? I am still writing the script. How can I think of casting actors before I have completed my script? I will further talk when we are ready to roll.”

“Well, Shahid and Kareena look fabulous together on screen. But we are now having a nationwide hunt for the lead actress for Mausam.” Producer Sheetal Talwar commented

Kareena who had no idea about this till she was contacted and asked about Pankaj Kapoor‘ writing a script keeping her and Shahid in mind,said,” “If they have a good script and a good role and ask me to do it, I see no reason why I shouldn’t.”

Now that’s what we call professionalism !

5. Remove the Car Bomb-Transporter 2

I actually forgot why I even decided to see Transporter 2.  Never did see the first one, the second didn’t look great and I never saw the third either.  However, I did wind up seeing the film and it’s one that has disbelief written all over it.  One scene in particular, however, left me completely speechless at how bluntly unrealistic it was.  If you’ve seen the film, then you know that Statham’s car winds up having a bomb under it so what does he do?  He jumps off a ramp causing his car to spin around, the bottom of the car barely scrapes a crane hook that perfectly removes the bomb without issue and he still lands with little to no problem.  Normally I’d go into more detail, but I think watching the scene yourself should put it into perspective.

4. Refrigerator vs. Nuke-Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

The Indiana Jones films have always been a favorite of mine.  Though Temple of Doom was always my childhood favorite, the other two (of the original trilogy) have since grown on me and I actually enjoy Last Crusade the most.  So it goes without saying I was quite curious as to how good Kingdom of the Crystal Skull would be.  Unfortunately, it does not hold a flag to its predecessors and there’s one scene in particular that I whispered to myself “I do believe that this is the most unrealistic scene ever.”  Towards the beginning, Jones finds out that he’s in an area about to be nuked so what does he do?  He hides in a refrigerator.  And since this is shortly into the film with our hero’s life at stake he of course manages to survive with the fridge conveniently being the only object that gets blasted away and lands in tact.

3. Needle vs. Bullet to the Skin-Far Cry

Alright, just so everyone knows, I actually how not seen this film and I never intend to.  I shelled money out for an Uwe Boll film once before and I will never do so again.  But I saw a review for this film which went through the entire film and one part that stood out in an idiotic way was towards the beginning when the super soldiers are tested.  During this scene, we find that the mutated skin can essentially bounce bullets back like rubber but after things go out of control they manage to suppress it with a needle to the skin.  That’s right, the skin is impervious to bullets yet needles go in without an issue.  Figure that out on your own.

2. Spin Back Time-Superman

I’m going to shamelessly admit that I haven’t seen any of the original Superman films.  In fact, other than the most recent film, Superman Returns, all I’ve seen of Superman at all are gameplay videos of Superman on the N64 and him in the TV show Justice League.  So it should go without saying I know about this scene from someone who did a video on the film and the turned out to be one by Doug Walker aka the Nostalgia Critic.  The video was a Top 11 countdown of the dumbest Superman moments and at number one was when Superman turns the world back to reverse time.  Apparently causing the Earth’s rotation to reverse would be the key to spinning back time.  I guess I’d better build a really fast airplane to do this and bring me back to my high school days.

1. Every Scene-Batman & Robin

Even though this list is supposed to be for single scenes from a single film, Joel Schumacher’s hilariously bad sequel to Batman Forever (which he also directed) has so many impossible scenes packed in together that I really can’t think of any other film that hits quite as low.  I won’t state every one of the scenes but here’s just a few of them:  Schwarzenegger surviving water that’s 50 degrees below zero, his freeze gun landing on top of a curved statue perfectly like a magnet, Batgirl jumping off her motorcycle onto Robin’s…swamp-like machine for a few seconds to jump back on her bike which has managed to keep up with the Batmobile and Robin without falling over, the bathooks always managing to hit/grab surfaces strong enough to pull our heroes forward, Batman and Robin air surfing using doors as boards while casually heading back down to the ground, etc.  If a single movie can actually top the level of implausibility here, then I think we’re in trouble.

by dkpatriarch

© 2009 David Hilton

Movies made from video games suck right?  Even worse than games based on movies.

I'm the Prince of Posers!

That’s the general consensus among both film critics and gamers, though I myself have enjoyed a few of the films like Resident Evil, Tomb Raider, Hitman and even Max Payne.

No, they weren’t paragons of classy cinema worthy of deep discussion or jaw-dropping amazement, but they were entertaining enough with at least some vague tributes to the source material they were using.

Soon we have Disney’s Prince of Persia: Sands of Time, based on the last-gen game of the same name, to be released May 2010.

Will this movie amaze us, mildly entertain us, or will it simply be another crappy attempt to cash in on a game’s popularity (though luckily Uwe Boll isn’t involved in this one at least)?

I’d say the fact that it is being made by Disney was already cause for concern, except that Disney and Jerry Bruckheimer also created a number of Pirates of the Caribbean adventure movies based only on a ride at Disneyland.

• Prince Of Persia: Sands Of Time Movie

And the first film at least was good fun.  Of course the films have since been made into video games that were a bit less fun, but that’s another story.

Because video games don’t tend to have the narrative depth or characterisations that a good movie needs, the films based on games tend to either deviate dramatically from the source material or suffer terribly from poor storytelling and overly basic plots.

I'm the Princess to tame you young Prince

However, they are best when they replicate the sense of action and atmosphere that the games encapsulate.  This is where the Prince of Persia movie could work.

Already from the trailer we can see that filming in Morocco gives the movie the right atmosphere and there certainly seems like there will be plenty of that Prince of Persia jumping about and even a bit of the humour thrown in.  But there still needs to be plot, deeper characterisation and realistic sets and special effects.

Pirates of the Caribbean and other adventure movies like The Mummy worked because they didn’t take themselves too seriously and aspired only to be good old fashioned escapist action.  They had good dialogue and, especially in Johnny Depp, great characterisation.

That’s what the Prince of Persia movie should be aiming for.

• Prince Of Persia Sands Of Time Dev Discussion

This is what director Mike Newell (Four Weddings and a Funeral, Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire) could very well bring; that is if his cast that includes Jake Gyllenhaal (Brokeback Mountain) as Prince Dastan, Gemma Arterton (Bond: Quantum of Solace) as Tamina, and Ben Kingsley (‘insert tons of well known fims here’) as Nizam, can bring some refreshing dialogue and depth to their roles.

All too often movies based on games feel stilted or cheap in presentation and have very little sense of drama.

Mind you, the future may see movies based on games able to go beyond the ‘action adventure’ goal. 

WETA's Distric 9 defies critics

District 9, from Peter Jackson and directed by Neill Blomkamp, gave gamers a wishful thought about what a Halo movie could have been like under those two if it had gone ahead.  Could a game inspire such depth and attention to detail in the future?

Also there are the short web-films that Ubisoft are putting together for the Assassin’s Creed 2 game (see my review of the first film here).  The first one is stylistic, authentic-looking, and focuses on both plot and characterisation, even in the few minutes it lasts.  Could it have made a quality full film?  From what I saw it sure looked like it at least was heading in the right direction.

The Prince of Persia movie is focusing on the mystical dagger and time-rewind theme of the game but we will have to see if it has the style, characters and story to match.

I want to hail the movie as a prince among paupers in the game to film genre, but am worried I will instead be mocked with another Prince of Putrid.

What do you think?  Will this movie stink or smell of roses?  Comment below.

List of games made into movies:

• Super Mario Bros.: Peach-Hime Kyushutsu Dai Sakusen! (July 20, 1986)
• Super Mario Bros. (May 28, 1993)
• Fatal Fury: The Motion Picture (July 16, 1994)
• Street Fighter II: The Animated Movie (August 6, 1994)
• Double Dragon (November 4, 1994)
• Street Fighter (December 23, 1994)
• Mortal Kombat (August 18, 1995)
• Mortal Kombat: Annihilation (November 21, 1997)
• Pokémon: The First Movie – Mewtwo Strikes Back (July 18, 1998)
• Wing Commander (March 12, 1999)
• Pokémon: The Movie 2000 – The Power of One (July 17, 1999)
• Pokémon 3: The Movie – Spell of the Unown (July 8, 2000)
• Shenmue: The Movie (January 20, 2001)
• Lara Croft: Tomb Raider (June 15, 2001)
• Pokémon 4Ever – Celebi, Voice of the Forest (July 7, 2001)
• Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within (July 21, 2001)
• Resident Evil (March 15, 2002)
• Pokémon Heroes (July 13, 2002)
• Pokémon: Jirachi Wishmaker (July 19, 2003)
• Lara Croft Tomb Raider: The Cradle of Life (July 25, 2003)
• House of the Dead (October 10, 2003)
• Pokémon: Destiny Deoxys (July 22, 2004)
• Resident Evil: Apocalypse (September 10, 2004)
• Alone in the Dark (January 28, 2005)
• Air (February 5, 2005)
• Pokémon: Lucario and the Mystery of Mew (July 16, 2005)
• Final Fantasy VII Advent Children (September 14, 2005)
• Doom (October 21, 2005)
• BloodRayne (January 6, 2006)
• Forbidden Siren (February 9, 2006)
• Silent Hill (April 21, 2006)
• Pokémon Ranger and the Temple of the Sea (July 15, 2006)
• Dead or Alive (September 15, 2006)
• Dōbutsu no Mori (Animal Crossing) (December 16, 2006)
• Pokémon: The Rise of Darkrai (July 14, 2007)
• Clannad (September 15, 2007)
• BloodRayne II: Deliverance (September 18, 2007)
• Resident Evil: Extinction (September 21, 2007)
• Hitman (November 21, 2007)
• In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale (January 11, 2008)
• OneChanbara (April 26, 2008)
• Postal (May 23, 2008)
• Like a Dragon (June 23, 2008) aka Ryū ga Gotoku Based on the first Yakuza Video Game
• Pokémon: Giratina and the Sky Warrior (July 19, 2008)
• Far Cry (October 2, 2008)
• Max Payne (October 16, 2008)
• Resident Evil: Degeneration (December 17, 2008)
• Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li (February 27, 2009)
• Pokémon Diamond & Pearl Platinum the Movie: To the Conquering of Space-Time (July 18, 2009)

Upcoming releases

• Tekken (2009)
• The Legend of Spyro 3D (2009)
• Professor Layton and the Eternal Diva (2009)
• Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time (May 28, 2010)
• The King of Fighters (2010)
• BloodRayne III: Warhammer (2010)
• Clock Tower (2010)
• Mortal Kombat: Devastation (2010)
• Resident Evil: Afterlife (2010)
• Dead Space (2011)
• Gears of War (2011)
• Army Of Two (2011)
• Uncharted (series) (2011)

© 2009 David Hilton

Existe uma coisa que deixa os gamers malucos de excitação, mas ao mesmo tempo com muito medo do que pode acontecer: adaptações em filme dos nossos games favoritos. Quem nunca imaginou franquias como Metal Gear, Devil May Cry ou God of War na telona? Com certeza games assim têm potencial para um ótimo filme.

No entanto, a história nos mostra que filmes baseados em games raramente dão certo. Basta ver o que fizeram com Mario, Final Fantasy, Street Fighter e, mais recentemente, Max Payne (não vou nem comentar os “clássicos” criados pelo Uwe Boll, porque o que ele faz está muito longe de ser chamado de filme).

Mas existe uma luz no fim do túnel! Finalmente, foi liberado um trailer oficial do filme Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time. Pelo pouco que dá para ver no trailer, a adaptação tem diversos elementos do primeiro game, como a adaga do tempo, as areias do tempo só podem ser utilizadas pelo príncipe, e é possível ver as acrobacias fantásticas do herói, marca registrada da série. Além disso, os cenários são gigantescos, e os efeitos especiais estão fantásticos.

Agora resta saber o mais importante: se a história do filme será fiel à do primeiro game. Eu aposto todas as minhas fichas de que o filme alcançará esse feito, que parece tão simples, mas que ninguém consegue em filmes sobre jogos, e que a trilogia iniciada por Sands of Times nos games se tornará uma trilogia de filmes, o que possibilitaria contar a história da série muito bem. Por que eu acho tudo isso? Porque o filme está sendo feito pelo mesmo estúdio que criou a série Piratas do Caribe. Se a Disney não conseguir fazer um filme bom baseado em um game, realmente não existe salvação para as adaptações de games na telona.

Trailer de Prince of Persia: Sands of Time

Fato curioso: Vocês notaram que a roupa do príncipe não é a do primeiro game, e sim do segundo? Será que isso indica que já estão pensando em uma continuação baseada em Warrior Within? Só o tempo dirá…

Video game adaptations are traditionally lacklustre attempts to latch onto a well established fan base. Some have argued that the two industries need to stop looking over the fence so often. Others have said that the problem with these video game adaptations is that Uwe Boll usually takes the helm. The film flops, the fans dispair and everyone feels a little bit more dirty afterwards. There was that interesting scene though, where the camera went all third person and it was like you were watching someone playing the..oh..that doesn’t constitute a reward for the fan? Then I digress.

Walt Disney Pictures and Jerry “CSI, Yeeeaaaaah!” Bruckheimer have decided that enough is enough. Throw more money into the equation and you will reap the benefits, while at the same time, not leave the audience wanting to gouge out their retina’s at the first sight of a poorly cast character.

Anyway, the new trailer is up for the new Prince of Persia flick, starring Jake Gyllanhaal, Gemma Arterton and The Honourable, esteemed Sir Ben of Kinglsey.

Heres the official synopsis:

From the team that brought the “Pirates of the Caribbean” trilogy to the big screen, Walt Disney Pictures and Jerry Bruckheimer Films present PRINCE OF PERSIA: THE SANDS OF TIME, an epic action-adventure set in the mystical lands of Persia. A rogue prince (Jake Gyllanhaal) reluctantly joins forces with a mysterious princess (Gemma Arterton) and together, they race against dark forces to safeguard an ancient dagger capable of releasing the Sands of Time—a gift from the gods that can reverse time and allow its possessor to rule the world.

Looks worth the watch and I imagine it should fair strongly at the box office. The only concern I have is whether a film like this will take itself too seriously and end up looking like a camped up Persian Spiderman with daggers. If the English accents are anything to go by (and I hope they are not), we are in for some interesting parodies on the tube for years to come

Heres the Clip,

Dré

The sweater, the finger, the director of "Darfur"

Known and disdained for his beyond-bad video game adaptations, director Uwe Boll has decided to use his cinematic powers for good. Which might not work out well, considering how inept he is. Nonetheless, production has wrapped on Boll’s Darfur, a film about the conflict in Sudan starring Edward Furlong and Kristanna Loken of Terminator franchise fame, and also Billy Zane, who I last remember as the villain in Titanic. No, not the iceberg, smartass. The bald dude.

I’m trying not to make fun, because genocide isn’t all that funny — and I’d like to believe that maybe Boll is a talented, sensitive director at heart who got caught up in the easy money that comes with Hollywood hackery — but the trailer is out and I watched it and it contains a spelling error (“existance”). Which is fine, I make typos all the time all over this blog, but that combined with this story from Cinematical about Boll using actual refugees to recreate their own rape experiences? Something tells me even this slow-and-serious change of pace won’t help Boll’s flaccid Rotten Tomatoes ratings.

Peter Hall reports:

Now it would be easy to not take the film seriously given who is involved, but I can attest that there was genuine frustration in Boll’s voice when he talked about tackling the material. However, the credibility he earned by showing a more noble side than one normally sees in his filmography quickly took a nose dive as Boll explained he used actual Darfur refugees in making the film. That sounds no alarms at first, but he further explained that he had actual rape victims in his cast, victims who were asked to re-enact their rape on camera; because that kind of ‘honesty’ was the only way he could capture how dire the situation is.

Right, because the best thing for refugees is to have a B-movie director not only recreate, but reinforce their identity of victimhood. Also, he talks about ‘honesty’ as if he has never seen or heard of a ‘documentary’. Which in all fairness, might be true. Actually, there’s so much wrong with the ‘honesty’ comment (paraphrased, I know) I don’t even want to try to unpack it. Of course, it’s not like Boll can force any actor in his films to do anything against their will, but shit guys, you ever think that maybe he can? I can’t imagine that anybody — Ben Kingsley? Michael Madsen? — was a willing participant in Bloodrayne. Or it’s sequel. Or it’s third installment, currently in production. I’m just saying, I hope you never find yourself on this guy’s casting couch. Who knows what kind of shit movie role he’ll talk you into.

To end, let us count the ways of Boll:

1. Boll’s highest rated film on Rotten Tomatoes is Blackwoods, clocking in at 11 per cent.
2. All four of Boll’s video game-based movies appear on IMDb’s Bottom 100 list.
3. Boll’s average IMDb rating is 2.44 (on a scale of 10).
4. Boll is a multiple Razzie-winner, Worst Director natch.
5. Boll challenged his worst critics to  “put up or shut up” boxing matches.
6. And he plans to use those boxing matches as scenes in a future movie. (You believe me now?)

(via)

一部名叫《达富尔》取材于达富尔大屠杀的纪录片，一定能让国内的愤青们蠢蠢欲动了？
且慢！你们看看导演是谁。。。。

Uwe Boll
作品包括House of the dead《死亡之屋》，Bloodrayne《血腥莱恩》, In the Name of the King: a Dungeon Siege Tale《末日危城/王者之役》, Alone in the Dark《异形鬼屋》以及Postal《邮政恐怖分子》。怎么看也和严肃，和人道主义沾不上边。
Uwe Boll身上发生过的最为标志性的事件，是一次影迷集体投票要求他放弃拍片，离开电影界。
源起他数部改编自游戏的电影，拍得实在太烂。18000余名游戏迷和影迷联名要求他从此不再拍片，停止损毁经典游戏了。当在访谈节目中被问起这茬的时候，他放言18000太不够意思了，如果有一百万观众联名，他就从此洗手不干。此言一出，广大游戏迷们奔走相告，签名数字蹭蹭蹭得涨上去。。。
我刚刚看了一眼，目前已经有34万人签名，100万指日可待。我也随手签了一个，哈哈。虽然我没有看过他的电影。
讨厌他的，可以点击以下链接：
Sign the Stop Uwe Boll Petition Now

再仔细一看，主演名单赫然列着爱德华 弗隆 Edward Furlong。曾经我心目中的第一美少年。。。。现在已经长残了。
当年的照片如下（CK请他做的广告）

The Return of the Boogeyman 1994 Review

Director: Deland Nuse

Writer: Jack Smight

Starring Kelly Galindo, Suzanna Love and Omar Kaczmarczyk

    I finally saw this after purchasing the double DVD set of it and the original Boogeyman and I was hoping this would be on the caliber of the moody original.  Sorry to say, that this is not the case.  This could actually be the worst horror film I have ever seen.  90% of the film is filled by archival footage from the original film and the rest is wrapped around some horrible plot about a woman having dreams about the things that happened in the original.  This might have worked if any of the people working on the film were at the least competent.  This is just a shoddily done film on so many levels.  The camera work is like what a family member does for a Christmas video, it is just laughable.

    The plot basics are this, Annie (Galindo) is having a horrible time sleeping.  Every time she nods off, she has horrible dreams about someone with a masked face killing people.  She soon comes to realize that her dreams are not just that but predictions of the future.  She goes to see a psychologist Dr. Richard Love, (Kaczmarczyk) who tires to help her with her dreams and to find out if they are real.. Soon, Annie comes to realize that she is the only one that can stop the Boogeyman, but will she be too late to stop his reign of terror?

    God, I cannot even begin to go into depth on how bad this film is.  The plot actually makes it sound like a decent film, but such is not the case.  The direction by Nuse makes Uwe Boll look like the next John Carpenter in comparison.  It looks like all the added footage made for the film was shot in someone’s bedroom.  The script is not much better.  My description of the plot is really all the detail the script goes into, the 2 main characters are mainly just there so the director can utilize as much of the footage from the original film as he can.  The cast is pretty bad too, at least in a Troma film the acting is supposed to be bad, but Galindo and Kaczmarczyk actually think they are doing a great job.  It is really painful to watch.  There is no SFX to be seen in the film unless you count what is culled from the original, so that is not an issue here.  This was just a bad film on so many levels and well worth avoiding, like  a semi truck  on the highway.  You will be better off avoiding it.

This one gets 0 out of 5

The man who brought us classic films like Alone in the Dark, BloodRayne, House of the Dead and plenty more amazing video game movies will be at a California signing to celebrate the release of his latest film; Postal. Yes I am of course talking about the legend that it is Uwe Boll.

In case you can’t tell, I’m being sarcastic. However for any people who may be interested, this abomination of a director will be at Spudic’s Movie Empire in Van Nuys, California on the 7th of November for two hours.  He will be autographing anything you bring along and also be discussing Postal.

Only in Hollywood can someone be rewarded for polluting the environment.

Questions have been raised about people wanting instant fame and stardom. The fact is, we are now living in a time of instant gratification. Long gone are the days of working hard to achieve well-deserved rewards. With text-messaging, twitter, social networking, downloading, DVR, on demand television–we, as a people have grown extremely lazy. But how is this related to Michael Bay?

Michael Bay has produced a string of HORRIBLE movies and WORTHLESS remakes since 1995.

it’s true. Do the research and find out for yourself. I don’t care how much money the masses have dumped on his projects; the fact is, his movies are shit. Only in Hollywood can you be rewarded for doing the WORST job. This idiot(Bay) is on the same level as a director/film maker as Uwe Boll. Allow me to present a list of Michael Bay’s accomplishments(sic):

• Bad Boys
• The Rock
• Armageddon
• Mystery Men
• Coyote Ugly
• Pearl Harbor
• Bad Boys 2
• The Texas chainsaw Massacre
• The Amityville Horror
• The Island
• The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning
• The Hitcher
• Transformers
• The Unborn
• Friday the 13th
• Horsemen
• Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen
• A Nightmare on Elm Street

Collectively, this crap-fest has raked in something just shy of 611 Prillion dollars. This is mainly the fault of the masses(hereby referred to as: SHEEP) that flock to the theater to see ANYTHING. Any sane person with some semblance of discerning taste would pay $10.50 to not be forced to watch ANY of these movies. I can, and I do fault the idiot public, personally masturbating this man’s over-inflated ego; the average person seeing these films is perpetuating this vicious cycle of shit. Bay makes a movie. The sheep flock to it. It makes a bajillion amount of ungodly dollars. The studio executives declare it a success; they greenlight and fund his next project.

Flaccid to ejaculation in 141 million dollars(on average).

Yes–I understand this is a capitalistic society; one is not just allowed, but encouraged to make as much money as possible. I suppose that is the source of my ire. I’d LOVE to dole out garbage to the public on an annual basis and be rewarded with millions. But there can be only so many Michael Bays of the world (thank God!) “The Man“(no reference to the 2005 film) is not going to allow just anybody to achieve that kind of success. (Yeah…life is unfair like that.) Mr. Charlie is only going to allow the “dream” of American success to infiltrate and flood the public mindset. If you think you are just going to walk into Hollywood, or anywhere for that matter, and become an instant success–you’re out of your fucking mind.

And, it’s simply that–people want instant success. Look at that stupid-ass show I Love Money. These two-bit, F-list “reality stars” are nothing BUT forgettable; yet, these shows keep getting produced, the sheep keep watching, and the offspring of the sheep see these shows and desire the same “fame.” The cycle never ends. These shows are cheap to produce, easy to cast, and are virtually a guaranteed success.

“C’MON PEOPLE, WHAT ARE WE TEACHING THE CHILDREN?!”

We are teaching our children that “half-assing” your way through life is completely acceptable. Just aim for a goal with minimal effort exerted, and you will achieve success. Have you noticed that this decade is a throwback to the 80’s? (side note: be on the lookout for a post about an entertainment timeline) Kids (12-25) can’t dance (ripping off breaking from the 80’s doesn’t count); they have no sense of style or fashion (80’s shoulder pads are making a return); and the music is just a re-packaging of stuff better forgotten some 20 years ago. This is not a rant about kids, or music, or the 80’s; I really HATE Michael Bay. Please do not misunderstand me; I am in no way jealous of him, I am angry with him. Where is the internal filter, that keeps us all in check? How does a man continually produce material, in the name of good cinema, and not know it is shit?! How is it we keep rewarding him?!

FUCKING SHEEP!!!

LOOK AT THAT DAMN LIST!!! Name one decent movie on it. I’ll tell you how they made so much money…

• Bad Boys: crap movie supported by black people. The black community consider this a masterpiece in the genre of buddy cop movies. UGH!!
• The Rock: this movie skid mark is purely for two types of viewers. Nick Cage fans, and fans of movies that are punishing action for the senses from the start of the movie.
• Coyote Ugly: a training video that transforms decent women in their late teens to early 20’s into “WOO!” girls. The actual bars are factories for the same; and any man patronizing them is a candidate for extermination.
• The Island: the only redeeming value in this movie is Scarlett Johansson. BUT–since there are plenty of other movies to see Scarlett and all of her deliciousness, there is no reason to endure this 2-hour crap-fest.
• Transformers: purely an outlet for high-fiving white-boys. The only reason it made so much money is because Megan Fox is in it. And let me say this–a “fox” she is not. (And honestly–I didn’t even make it through the first 10 minutes of the sequel, it was simply too loud and confusing and obnoxious.)

So what have we learned from Michael Bay? We learn that with the right funds, the right backing, the right connections, and the right luck, you can achieve worldwide success by producing an inferior product. The airlines might as well criss-cross the country, never stopping until the planes reach the opposite coast; all the while strapping parachutes to the passengers backs, and pushing them out of the airplane when it flies over their destined city. Hey…who says air travel has to be accurate? Not the same? Why not?…

Michael Bay has equally missed the mark in producing good movies by comparison….

Viihdeteollisuudessa sanotaan usein että huonoa julkisuutta ei ole olemassa. Jokainen uutinen, videoklippi ja skandaali on arvokasta valuutta, ne kun aina nostavat näyttelijän/artistin/ohjaajan/muun viihdettä tuottavan osakkeita piinkovilla trendimarkkinoilla. Tästä syystä verkkosivut ovatkin sitten täynnä “vuotaneita” kotivideoita ja lehdet pursuavat kuumia huhuja kuvien keraa samalla kun kyseisten ihmisten tähdittämät uudet elokuvat sekä vastajulkaistut levyt ja pelit myyvät kultaa. Monet tähdet (ja vastaavat) uskoutuvatkin siksi tähän sanontaan ja osa onkin käyttänyt sitä uransa luomisen yhtenä peruspilarina. Yksi niistä on elokuvaohjaaja/tuottaja Uwe Boll.

Tämä Wermelskirchenin lahja elokuville ei todellakaan ole mikään valtavirran nimi ja monille hän onkin jäänyt täysin tuntemattomaksi. Mutta niille, jotka tuntevat elokuvateollisuuden kaikki pimeät kujat ja hämärät alueet ja seuraavat innokkaina alan uutisia, Uwe Boll merkitsee kyllä jotain. Hän on täydellisen katastrofin personifikaatio.

Uwe Boll myöntää (välillä tosin hieman ironisoiden) että hän haluaa tuottaa hyviä ja laadukkaita elokuvia, mutta arvostelijat tyssäävät niitä jatkuvasti, sillä Boll ei, omien sanojensa mukaan edusta niiden suosimaa draamaa ja taide-elokuvaa. Elokuva-arvostelijat ovatkin useimmiten vaikeasti tyydyttävä ryhmä, ja joidenkin kohdalla tuntuukin välillä siltä kun ne saisivat provisiota jokaisesta huonosta arvostelusta (kyllä, juuri te HBL:n arvostelijat). Mutta Uwe Bollin kohdalla ne ovat kyllä oikeassa.

Tohtori No..ei vaan Boll kehässä

Boll, joka elokuvaohjaajan, -käsikirjoittajan ja -tuottajan lisäksi on koulutukseltaan kirjallisuuden tohtori ja vieläpä entinen nyrkkeilijä, on uransa aikana ohjannut ja tuottanut noin kaksikymmentä elokuvaa ja tuotantolinjalla odottaa vielä kuusi (suunitelmissa oli tehdä mm. verkkopeli World of Warcraftista elokuvan, mutta Blizzard ei innostunut). Näistä elokuvista lähemmäs kymmenen on tietokone/konsolipelien elokuvaversioita (mies on konsolipelien suuri ystävä). Tässä vaiheessa osa teistä ehkä käsittää jo mihin suuntaan ollaan menossa. Ja kun herran plakkarista löytyy vielä sellaisia teoksia kuten Alone In The Dark, BloodRayne, House Of The Dead, Far Cry ja uusin Postal, ymmärrätte että nyt ollaan jo pahasti hakoteillä.

Siitä huolimatta että Boll on kieltämättä meidän aikamme Ed Wood ja pelkkä nimen mainitseminen tuo kylmiä väreitä sekä hänen elokuviensa arvostelijoille että monille pelifirmoille, tämä “Virheiden Mestari” on onnistunut siinä missä monet hänen vastaavista kollegoistaan eivät. Hän on onnistunut kehittämään oman imagon. Boll itse uskoo viimeiseen asti omiin teoksiinsa ja omaan laatuunsa, ja hän onkin avoimesti kutsunut elokuva-arvostelijoita “munattomiksi”, “jälkeenjäänneiksi” ja “kusipäiksi” sekä väittänyt olevansa “ainoa nero elokuva-alalla”. [1] [2] Kykynsä todistaakseen, Boll haastoi kesällä 2006 neljä elokuva-arvostelijaa (mm. Quentin Tarantinon), jotka olivat lytänneet hänen teoksiaan, nyrkkeilyotteluun. Tämä täysin tyylitön PR-temppu (joka siis osoittautui ihan oikeaksi nyrkkeilyotteluksi, jossa Boll vieläpä otti voiton kotiin) saikin osakseen paljon huomiota lehdissä ja netissä sekä yllättäen myös jonkinverran kritiikkiä. Mutta yksi asia oli varma; viimeistään nyt Uwe Bollista tuli Hollywoodissakin tunnettu nimi, ja hän saavuttikin nopeasti camp-statuksen. Siitä huolimatta, että yksikään hänen elokuvista ei ole Metacriticillä saanut yli 22 pinnaa.

Uwe Bollilla on selvä viesti kaikille häntä kritisoiville

Myönnettäköön siis, tällä miehellä on ainakin munaa. Sillä oikeasti, kuinkakohan moni itseäänarvostava elokuvaohjaaja/tuottaja uskaltaisi, täydellisen nolaamisen ja uransa tyssäämisen riskillä (puhumattakaan niitä vastaan asetetuista oikeustoimista) tehdä vastaavaa? Puhumattakaan siitä, että hän avoimesti väittää olevansa parempi näyttelijä kun Ben Kingsley ja ohjaajana parempi kun Spielberg.

Uwe Boll on ehkä kieltämättä siinä tilanteessa, ettei hänellä ole mitään menetettävää (ja hän tietää sen itse) mutta jos otetaan huomioon että maailmassa on Ö-luokan ohjaajia ja -tuottajia yhtä paljon kun Alkossa pulloja ja Hollywoodin studioiden piikiin tuotetaan niin paljon arvotonta materiaalia (josta suuri osa on vieläpä A-luokan tekijöiltä) jotka eivät pärjää edes piraattisivuilla, on vain pakko nostaa hattuaan sellaiselle miehelle joka tällaisilla banaleilla ja naurettavilla tempuilla onnistuu nousemaan tämän harmaan massan yläpuolelle. Sillä harmaa massa ja tylsä keskitie on se mikä todistetusti Hollywoodissa myy. Mutta pelkällä “urallahan” ei pitkälle pötkitä. Suurin syy siihen että Uwe Boll on näin pitkälle saanut “toteuttaa itseään” piilee Saksan verojuridiikassa. Enemmistö Bollin elokuvien rahoittajista ovat saksalaisia, ja Saksan lain mukaan (ainakin vuoteen 2005 asti) saksalainen elokuvan rahoittaja sai 100% veroalennusta siitä mitä hän elokuvaan rahoitti, ja veroa hänen täytyi vain maksaa voitoista, eli toisin sanoen, jos elokuva floppaisi, rahoittaja saisi jokatapauksessa noin puolet rahoistaan takaisin. [4]

Laatuskaalalla katsottuna Uwe Bollin teokset ovat jotain aivan uskomatonta schaissea ja hänen realiteetit ja visiot ovatkin tyystin hukassa samalla kun hänen taustamateriaalin valinnatkaan eivät ole ihan kirkaamasta päästä. Siksi minua ainakin askaruttaa se, että mies on nyt päättänyt jättää pelielokuvat  ja satsaa viimeisimmissä projekteissaan vakaviin aiheisiin. Vai miltäpä kuulostaisi elokuva Darfurin kriisistä tai nyrkkeilijälegendasta Max Schmelingistä Uwe Bollin ohjaamana? No, totuus on se, että on helppo vihata miestä joka tekee kalkkunaelokuvia huonolla taustamateriaalilla, mutta kuvetteleeko kukaan teistä aikuisten oikeasti, että hän saisi aikaiseksi mitään edes puoliksi kelpoa, vaikka itse materiaalista saisi revittyä vinon pinon Oscareita?

Lopuksi voisi todeta, että Uwe Boll on arvoitus. Sillä ei voi olla miettimättä, onko Boll todellakin tosissaan vai onko hän vain suunniteltua huijausta? Edustaako hän itse tuotoksillaan nykyisen elokuvateollisuuden ja kapitalismin pyhää asennetta; laadusta viis, kunhan raha virta, samalla kun hän tietoisesti pumppaa markkinoille helposti tuotettavaa sontaa halvalla, josta hän itse sitten kahmii rahat? Voiko Uwe Bollia edes kutsua ohjaajaksi? Mene ja tiedä, mutta yhden asian hän on viime aikoina ymmärtänyt, nimittäin sen että kansaakin pitää kuunnella. Vai onko..?

Tiedoksi kaikille, allekirjoittanut ei ole koskaan nähnyt ainuttakaan Uwe Bollin elokuvaa.

( Postal-elokuvan traileri )

5 Upcoming Movies of Games That Are Bound To Fail:

On the record, most Movie adaptations of Videogames end up failing embarassingly, or being critically slated, or being hated by fans of the game who’ve been betrayed by a company that doesn’t want to adhere too much to the source material, but make a lot of money. Here are some upcoming movies of games, in no particular order, which are probably doomed to fail.

The Sims
The Sims doesn’t need much introduction. It’s a life simulator game by Will Wright, in which you guide around Sims and make them live the life you’re not living because you’re sitting at a computer looking after little virtual people more than yourself. Until you get bored and remove the stairs to the swimming pool.

The Sims Movie is in pre-production, and from the information I can gather, it’s a Live Action Drama Film.

What They Should Do:

Firstly, making a “Drama” film out of a game where your biggest drama is running to the toilet before pissing yourself is probably ill-thought. There are two prevailing ideas at work. One is what they could do, and one is what they should do.
What they could do, if they’re truly serious about making it a “Drama”, is take a leaf out of “The Truman Show”. And by a leaf, I mean, pretty much rip off “The Truman Show”. They could however, use it to a very interesting angle, and use it as a harrowing insight into the minds and lives of people who are at the mercy of a benevolent power they don’t know or understand. People forced to cheat, lie, and kill against their will. People whose lives fall apart because of an evil entity who’ll never care for them. Maybe it’d win a bunch of Oscars or something.
Or, they should make it an irrelevant, self aware comedy film. That’s pretty much the only other logical choice other than “For the love of God don’t make this movie why are you doing this to me what is this I don’t even know”. Laugh as John runs to the toilet, only to find the toilet disappear in front of him! Piss yourself laughing as he pisses himself! Grow no emotional attachment to anyone as they blunder pointlessly through a meaningless existence, babble in a language you don’t understand, and die in morbid ways covered up in a hilarious overtone!
Sure, it’d tank, but they couldn’t do better. That’ll be £1 million, please.

Alternatively, my friend Nathan says on this subject:
“maybe turning the Sims into a completely different concept, like an interactive movie where each of the people in the audience is assigned a character, and they can do whatever they want with it, like those choose-your-own-adventure books, and your choices determine the outcome, and finally, determines the ending”
Give him the £1 million instead.

How It’s Probably Going To Turn Out:

I honestly don’t know. If they’re serious about making it a Drama film, I honestly don’t know how or why they’d ever make it, unless it was pretty much just the Truman show.

If It Was Anything Like The Source Material:

Like Big Brother, but people die.

Pac Man
Seriously. A Pac Man movie. Again, the only information about this I could get is that it’s combining Live Action and Special Effects.
Guys, everyone knows what Pac Man is. This isn’t like most other movies of games, where those blissfully unaware of the source material won’t know better. Anyone who thinks making a Pac Man movie Live Action is a good idea is probably an evil genius who is hell bent on destroying the world of videogames with crappy movies.

I’m watching you, Uwe…

What They Should Do:

Simply, don’t make it. I can’t make that statement funny. I think it’d actually be a better use of time and money to simply buy every person in the world a copy of Pac Man who doesn’t already own a copy.
That, or simply do “King of Kong”, but replace Donkey Kong with Pac Man.

How It’s Probably Going To Turn Out:

Depressingly, it’s probably going to be made by the only people in the world who haven’t ever played Pac Man, except that one guy on the screw who played it a few times who they only keep on the team so they can say “Yeah, people on the crew have played Pac Man, so it’s gonna be close to the source material”, and the only things they know about the game is that the guy is yellow, he eats glowing pills to eat ghosts, and there’s some fruit.
Then they’ll remake Ghostbusters, but paint the protagonist yellow.

If It Was Anything Like The Source Material:

A fat guy in a yellow shirt travels around 255 identical mazes, obsessively eating everything in sight, while avoiding the ghosts of people he’s eaten, until he finds magic flashing weight loss pills that allow him to eat ghosts.

Metal Gear Solid
Bear with me on this one. The Metal Gear Solid series is probably one of the first that people will think of when they think of what could be applied to Cinema and succeed. Especially when the games themselves are so cinematic. Plus, I think Hideo Kojima’s heavily involved with it as well, so its not like it’s going to be poorly written or made. The guy knows what he’s doing… Doesn’t he?
After all, he’s an amazing writer, he created the damn series, he won’t give it to someone who doesn’t know what they’re doing, and he’ll put enough work into it to make it work.

The problem I have with this film is that simply put, the Metal Gear Solid stories are amazing… but over the course of a game. I don’t think it’d make an amazing movie, especially because the epic stories are just that. It’d water down the impact, I feel, if they condensed it into a short film.
Also, David Hayter, the voice actor for Snake in the series, has had his adaptation of the film passed over, and its unlikely he’ll be a part of the film.

How It’s Probably Going To Turn Out:

It’s probably going to be an interesting take on the Metal Gear Solid franchise, but it’ll be too short and too condensed to tell a truly epic tale, the effects and performances won’t seem as powerful as in the game, and while it’ll probably be quite good, or well made, just won’t have the impact of the games, and seem too watered down.

If It Was Anything Like The Source Material:

It’d be longer than the Extended Version of The Lord Of The Rings trilogy, with a complete destruction of the 4th wall, a lot more confusion, twists and turns, with none of the resolution.

What Should Happen:

Everyone working on the film will all realise that they’ve already made a Metal Gear Solid Movie…

Yeah, I pretty much only put MGS in this list to make a bad joke about a game I haven’t played yet. I’m a terrible person…

Need For Speed
Apparently, the Need for Speed series of racing games, which for a long while, were basically Street Racers (and I think they still are), has also got itself a motion picture coming out eventually.

If It Was Anything Like The Source Material:

They could pretty much rip a story straight out of their games, but there’s really one of two they could do. Either have it based off a spunky young street racer with everything to prove, as he attempts to become top dog in the land of street racing. Or, an undercover cop trying to uncover the leader of a street racing syndicate and…

Oh right, that…

How It’s Probably Going To Turn Out:

Literally just any of the Fast And Furious movies, with everyone trying desperately to appeal to the teenaged, chavvy demographic.

What Should Happen:

Just realise that the Fast and the Furious franchise got there before them. In fact, wasn’t the change to Street Racing style in Need for Speed games directly caused by the success of the Fast and Furious franchise? Basically, it’s going to be a film of a game that is heavily based off another film. If anyone else tried to do make a film of a game that was heavily based off another film or book, that’d be crazy, surely?

Okay, seriously? EA, we need to have words.

Asteroids:
In comparison, a live action Pac Man almost seems like a reasonable idea.
It’s even more mind boggling when you consider that 4 movie companies were in a bidding war to secure the rights for this film. That’s right. Companies bidded millions of dollars to secure the rights to a game that wasn’t even 8 kilobytes in size. In comparison, some modern games can fill up a blu ray disc 25 gigabytes in size. It’s simply mind boggling how far games have come in that regard, and also mind boggling how Universal Studios can make a movie out of a game where you, a triangle, shoot some verrrry slowly moving shapes that kind of resemble asteroids, in what is probably a shapeism-related mass murder.

You Shapeist!

If It’s Anything Like The Source Material:

A small triangle will float in space, taking his shape-hating prejudice out on a bunch of asteroids that probably did nothing to him. Or, bullied him in shape school. Except it to be long, boring, and ending with the triangle losing as he realises he should give those damn asteroids a chance!… Right as they destroy him.

How It’s Probably Going To Turn Out:

They’ll probably just make another Deep Impact or Armageddon, but somehow try to relate it to the game. Seriously, the game has no story to it whatsoever, so trying to give it one is more pointless than trying to justify Scientology as a real religion.

What They Should Do:

Wired.com’s Gamelife do this far better than I actually could. It’d just be best if you read that.

And that’s all for now! Hope you enjoyed reading

This was going to be longer, but I decided to cut a couple, and put them in a part two, if I ever get round to making it. So, keep your eyes peeled for a Part 2, eventually.

<3 Edward