VOLTA LOGO, VAMOS CANTAR PAULINHA JUNTOS!

Quem me mostrou foi Tata. E quem mostrou pra Tata foi… GUTIERREZ. JURO. Quão maravilhoso?

Ken Lee, né, gente?

Certeza que ela roubou o figurino do nosso armário.
Não fiquem com pena. Valentina se superou depois, em cadeia nacional. História de superação É ISSO.

Well I guess yesterday says and awful lot about those regular readers and many of the new ones. I include one fart clip and the views reach their highest in the history of this blog, well I know that history only stretches 9 days, but even so. Some of you who know me may have heard this before, but I have a theory that one day we just wake up and we’ve become mature. How do we know? What are the signs? Well for me I reckon my wardrobe will be full of nylon shirts, polyester trousers, sensible slip on shoes, a flat cap and a proper anorak. But that won’t be the real sign, the real indication will be that fart jokes are no longer funny. I can happily point out though that even though I’m now 50 years young fart jokes are still bloody hilarious. oh and my wardrobe still has plenty of jeans, t-shirts and my Converse All Stars

So what did you all think of the Brits then? I’ve posted my thoughts separately so I won’t bore you with them here. You’ll find them just below this post.

So onto the usual mundane mishmash of Birthdays and Onthisdays and maybe some other stuff too. Firstly 19th February 2009 is the 69th birthday of the supremely talented Mr William ‘Smokey’ Robinson. Smokey is not only a gifted singer, songwriter and producer but he was also appointed Vice President of Motown Records by Berry Gordy in 1972, which was the year the company moved from Detroit to LA. Robert Zimmerman (that’s Bob Dylan to the uninitiated) once called Smokey “the world’s greatest living poet” just listen to some of Smokey’s excellent lyrics and you’ll see why. “Tears Of A Clown” is a lyrical masterpiece in my opinion especially the way he manages to mention Pagliacci, give it a listen. You know the drill, click on the songs title. But my favourite Smokey composition is “The Love I Saw In You (Was Just A Mirage)” , here it is by the Jackson 5.

Smokey and the boys at their Butlins, Bognor residency!

Today is also the 63rd birthday of Pierre Van Den Linden off of Focus a very successful Dutch rock band who were very big in the early 70s. They had two top 20 singles in the UK in 1973, “Sylvia” and “Hocus Pocus” He left the band in 1974 but joined up with Thijs Van Leer from the original band in 2004 and they continue to tour. Here are the band performing both songs on the UKs classic show the ‘Old Grey Whistle Test’ in 1972. Oh I should point out that Focus were largely an instrumental group apart from the odd bits of wordless vocalising and yodelling!

There is definitely some cymbalism in this picture!

The final birthday for today is that of Seal perhaps most famous for “Kiss From A Rose” He had his first his as ‘featuring seal’ when he did the vocals for Adamski’s UK number 1, “Killer” in April 1990. Seal rerecorded his own version and took it to number 8 in the UK in November 1991. Seal was given up at birth by his mother Adebisi to a white foster family in Essex although she took him back when he was four. His full name is Sealhenry Samuel. The scars on his face are from contracting the disease Lupus in his early 20s. Here is the video for the Adamski and Seal version of “Killer“. Don’t you just love the jaunty angle at which Adamski wears his baseball cap and doesn’t Seal look young? Mind you that is nearly 20 years ago now!

No one ever seemed to want go clubbing with Seal!

On this day in 1977 Manfred Mann’s Earthband were number one in the USA with a Bruce Springsteen composition “Blinded By The Light“. Click the song title to see and hear the band play it live on a 70s TV show. It was also, I believe, the first UK hit with a Bruce Springsteen song. The Earthband had a unique selling point for one of their early albums. They gave away a small piece of Wales with each copy of “The Good Earth” sold.

Manfred Manns Earth Band

Now this next one is a strange ‘On This Day’ for the story covers this day in 1972 AND 1994 and relates to the same song. That song is the classic “Without You”. On this day in 1972 it was a UK number one for Harry Nilsson and on this day in 1994 it was a UK number one again, this time for Mariah Carey. The original version of the song was recorded as an album track by Badfinger and was written by Pete Ham and Tom Evans of the band. Things ended very tragically for Pete and Tim, both committed suicide by hanging themselves in 1975 and 1983 respectively. On a brighter note it’s strange that whilst Harry Nilsson wrote some excellent songs his two biggest hits, “Without You” and “Everybody’s Talking” were both written by others. “Without You” has become something of a standard for balladeers on talent shows such as X Factor and American Idol to the extent that in 2008, Valentina Hasan, a contestant of Music Idol Bulgaria, sang her own version of “Without You” in extremely broken English. It came to be known as “Ken Lee,” the video of Hasan’s performance was a big hit on You Tube. So that you can make up your own mind here are four versions;

Harry Nilsson

Mariah Carey

Badfinger

Valentina Hasan

And almost finally for today, not quite a fart clip, but in the same region so to speak. On this day in 2004 Johnny Cash’s family blocked an attempt to use his classic song “Ring Of Fire” to promote haemorrhoid products. I can understand how they must have felt and I suppose they didn’t really need ‘piles’ of money either

Johnny shows the best way to treat haemorrhoids, don't forget to wash afterwards though!

And finally today here is another fart clip, a music related one in fact. But don’t worry this will not be a regular feature, maybe an occasional one though, especially if you have any music related flatulence clips. Anyway this is a track that came out in the late 70’s it was by Ivor Biggun and the Red Nosed Burglars and the song was “I’ve Parted (Misprint)” can you guess what the misprint was? The song never charted although it’s predecessor did, that was called “The Winkers Song (Misprint)” obviously back in those days we didn’t have spell check! Incidentally fact fans Ivor Biggun was in fact a made up name, his real name was Robert ‘Doc’ Cox and he is a British musician and former television journalist. He is perhaps best remembered for his appearances on the BBC programme “That’s Life” during the 80s.

Bye for now good people and the bad ones too, obviously!

Estou deixando o wordpress. Meu blog não estava de acordo com os termos de serviço, por oferecer links para downloads “ilegais”, e para não ir contra o TOS estou hosteando fora o meu blog, com o mesmo código WordPress.

Já fiz meu backup e levei todos meus posts e paginas que foram editados aqui ou deletados. Agradeço ao WordPress o tempo de hosting, e convido a todos a conhecer meu novo espaço.

www.moedordecana.net

_____________________________________________

Quem ve o titulo pode ate pensar isso, mas não, é um MEGA-FAIL. Aconteceu no Music Idol da Bulgaria, onde a musica “without you” virou KEN LEE, isso mesmo. O nome da figura é Valentina Hasan

Felizmente tem as legendas….

Agora a hora da surpresa, ela foi pra segunda fase…

American Idol kicked off its 2009 season last week.  Huzzah.  My wife tells me the show will be on Fox on Tuesdays and Wednesdays for the next few months, so I recommend you check it out.  Also, because any post about American Idol needs a video, here’s a little clip (from Bulgaria’s equivalent of American Idol) to demonstrate the true depth of the phrase “lost in translation.”

Każdy z nas widział już popisy Rolanda, Gracjana i innych. Już nie tylko w internecie, ale i w TV. Programy typu talent show są kopalnią takich ewenementów. Do niedawna ubolewałem nad tym i myślałem, że tylko w Polsce jest to możliwe. Oczywiście myliłem się. Miałem świadomość tego, że wszędzie ludzie śmieją się z idiotów, ale nie wiedziałem że ich także promują, tak jak u nas.

Wspomniany Roland twierdzi, że umie śpiewać, że robi to w czym jest dobry i tak dalej. Nawet występ w kampanii reklamowej Media Markt nie dał mu do myślenia, a przecież grali tam sami dewianci.

Gracjan jest inny sam dla siebie, a ludzie się z niego śmieją, niepotrzebnie go chyba męczą.

Ostatnio zauważyłem, że Bułgarzy mają ten sam problem, albo zapotrzebowanie na tego typu osoby. Jest tam na przykład taki Azis. Nie będę się rozpisywał na jego temat, jak ktoś chce się więcej o nim czegoś dowiedzieć to poszpera w Google. I chociaż krótką fascynację jego osobą mogę jeszcze zrozumieć (bo przecież nagrywa piosenki które mogą się komuś podobać) to nie rozumiem szumu wokół niejakiej Valentiny Hasan, też z Bułgarii. Pani ta zasłynęła w tamtejszej wersji Idola, śpiewając piosenkę Without You w bliżej nieokreślonym języku (coś na wzór angielskiego). Wystarczy na YouTube wpisać Ken Lee (w domyśle Can’t Live) i łatwo ten występ znajdziemy. Jak dowiadujemy się z innego filmu na YouTube, o Valentinę stara się już bułgarskie EMI! A ona sama otwarcie przyznaje, że jej angielski “jest troszeczkę kiepski, ale jej występ był bardzo dobry” i nawet ona była tym faktem zdziwiona. Teraz pracuje nad kolejnymi “hitami” w jej własnym wydaniu.

Nie mam ochoty szukać kolenych przykładów, ale na pewno jest ich mnóstwo. Wszystko jest fajnie, póki występ takich osób ogranicza się do jednego występu w TV i 10 filmów w internecie. Gorzej jak zaczynają oni być zapraszani do kolejnych programów, nagrywają płyty i stają się jakimiś wzorcami. Nie prezentują sobą kompletnie nic, raz udało im się zwrócić na siebie uwagę, postanowili to wykorzystać i teraz czerpią z tego korzyści. To nic, że wszyscy się z nich śmieją. W końcu dochodzi do tego, że mają rzesze adwokatów, którzy uważają ich za niepowtarzalnych, oryginalnych i tym podobne. Odmówić im tego oczywiście nie można, ale każdy z nas jest oryginalny i niepowtarzalny.

W Polsce chyba brakuje prawdziwych, dobrych muzyków, dlatego musimy zachwycać się takimi “pustakami” którzy nie mają w sobie nic, czym mogliby nas zachwycić. To samo w Bułgarii. A może dopiero teraz czujemy powiew zachodu i wolności w tej kwestii. Dlaczego mamy zachwycać się czymś wartościowym, skoro można tandetą i kiczem. Jesteśmy przecież wolni, możemy robić co chcemy. Mnie niestety takie prowokacje nie ruszają. Prowokacje nieprzemyślane, na sile.

Jak już o prowakacjach mowa, to polecam Bloodhound Gang – Discovery Chanell (Bad Touch). Pamiętam jak pierwszy raz usłyszałem ten kawałek na składance Dziewczyna 7, ale nie miałem wtedy pojęcia o czym panowie śpiewają. Teraz wiem i… śpiewam z nimi.

Be a model, be a singer, be a movie star! Everyone wants it, but how can we achieve it? Some say it is easier than we think.

The answer is Internet. Internet can do anything. Its power is enormous. Furthermore, there are many examples to prove this. One of them was quite funny and interesting to me. You remember all those hilarious singers at the numerous Music TV Shows. At the beginning we were laughing at them, but in time we simply forgot about them.

Bulgarian Music Idol 2 did not agree with that. Valentina Hasan is not only still well-known, but her popularity is growing even more. This woman, who has the amazing talent to sing in absolutely imaginary English, just took part at the audition of the Idol and the rest was done by the public. They uploaded the clip with her on www.youtube.com, www.vbox7.com (a Bulgarian site for video clips)etc. and the histery started. First there were the comments and forums only on local level. It was so funny to everyone that soon it became the main topic of the show and people wanted to watch it again and again. The hosts of the Bulgarian Idol invited her to perform at their stage and tried to teach her how the song should be sang but as expected the culmination was when she started to sing the song in her own way. After all that, the roomer was spread even to Mariah Carrey, the original singer of the song ” Without you “. And finally, some smart or really strange Americans made a brand “Ken lee” after the title Valentina gave to the song. Now if you are a fond of funny things, you can buy and wear clothes with that label on them. In addition, there is  a new remix of “Ken lee”. You can choose which version you like the best

Maybe you are thinking that Valentina Hasan earned lots of money and credits from all of this, but you are wrong. She did not earn anything. Those people used her name to make profits for themselves. Good for them, bad for her. It seems that for some glory is not that fabulous as it sounds.

At the end the only thing she received from people was their laughter towards her singing and appearance. She became a clown who entertains everyone, nothing more. So it is up to you to decide whether you want to be FAMOUS or FOOLISH!!!

Interesting links:

Wiki info/Ken lee world/Clothes and products

Avis aux passant, ce billet est une vraie chermoula.
Alors que Jean-Luc nous présentait le blogueur le plus influent de l’Amérique latine, quelqu’un m’a envoyé le vidéo de Valentina Hasan une participante au Music Idol de Bulgarie. Ayant de la famille bulgare ( ne soyez pas trop curieux kamême ce n’est pas parce que je parle parfois d’origines qu’il faut me demander qui de mes ancêtres l’était) je me permets de poster ce qui suit. Tout le monde a le droit de rêver faire carrière. And why not quand on voit nos dirigeants on peut bien espérer, non?

Puis, un peu plus loin une version plus travaillée

Puis, je suis tombée sur ceci et la question a fusé: pourquoi donc se permet-on même sous couvert de faire plaisir à une chanteuse de faire dans l’attaque mesquine? Bref, moi qui suis indifférente aux émissions de variétés françaises (pour dire vrai, je ne regarde jamais made in France car cette sorte humour crasse me tombe sur le coeur). Par contre, Mariah Carey que je ne connais ni d’Adam ni d’Eve a eu la réponse qu’il fallait.

Après tout, William Hung a été adopté par le public même s’il ne bouge pas comme Ricky Martin. Dans cette ère de jetable, on glorifie le rêve on fait miroiter la lune. La tv vide de substance continue à nous servir des contes de fées sans aucune morale. Car, contrairement aux contes de fées, la tv immole qui veut bien se donner en holocauste pour ce dieu qu’est la célébrité. La tv est synonyme de l’arène romaine où gladiateurs mouraient pour le simple plaisir des spectateurs. Avant, ces pauvres gladiateurs disaient “Ave Caesar, morituri te salutan.”, on pourrait croire que César d’aujourd’hui est le téléspectateur qui consomme et consomme sans jamais se poser de question. En fait, chaque époque à ses distractions.

It’s been over three months since Bulgarian student Arath Benedek edited, subtitled and uploaded the (first) video of the song that shot Valentina Hasan to fame. And she has both the viewers, who have made their own renditions of the song, and Benedek, of course, to thank for all the fame she’s found. I am, of course, talking about Ken Lee.

I saw it not long after it was uploaded (just a couple of weeks later), and I just can’t get enough of it. Well, I can, but every time I think about the song and its lyrics, I can’t help but smile. Sometimes, I have to keep myself from smiling so people on the street won’t think I’m crazy, smiling all to myself like some TV show character.

The seriousness of Ms. Hasan’s performance and the face made by contest judge Esil Duran as she sings the famous tulibu dibu douchoo line just makes the whole thing better. It had been a long time since I had last found a song to be fun to listen to.

Yeah, sure. Some of today’s music is enjoyable, but there’s a difference between enjoyable and fun. You don’t think of just any song and smile about it. No, one is more likely to hum or even mouth the lyrics, if any. But people found this song to be so much fun, that some made their own renditions, others made remixes, and even music videos! I recall one particular cheerleader-themed composite that I can’t seem to find.

Anyway, the song has stuck in my mind like no other, and I’ve spread the Ken Lee love around, telling a few others to do a search for it. Every once in a while, I’ll make mention of the song, or even sing the name, to cause a reaction from those who know of it (usually a laughter or a rolling of eyes).

There are similar songs (like this one), but… Ken Lee is Ken Lee.

Well, I just wanted to write about something. So there it goes.

(and yes, the title of this entry makes reference to a movie… which movie it is, is for me to know and for readers to guess)

EDIT: found the remix I was talking about. See it here! Thanks go to DJ Dense Modesto for creating it.

KEN LEEEEEE!!!! tulibu dibu douchooo!!!

Valentina Hasan, bulgarsk deltager i Idol, synger(eller synger og synger fru Blom) “Ken Lee”…en gammel Badfingerlåt som først ble en hit med Harry Nilsson, og så Med Mariah Carey.

Idolauditionen er fra februar 2008, og kom relativt kjapt ut på youtube, med engelske subtitles, der den har gått sin seiersgang siden, og har vel i skrivende stund blitt vist over fem millioner ganger!

You know what’s missing on that stage? MICHAEL FRAKKING JOHNS!

This should be interesting, as I am racking my brain trying to figure out any Mariah Carey song I have liked since the 8th Grade, when everyone had that debut CD. Oh yeah, don’t laugh, but the best ever Mariah song is All I Want For Christmas Is You, which is kind of out of season. But if I were on American Idol, I would totally sing it AND dress up in the red & white Santa Slut costume. Because baby, when I sing, it’s just like Christmas.

I think Brooke White almost mauled Mariah. And of course Mariah would bring her little dog, she’s one of those people that won’t accessorize without a tiny dog. Good to see she’s recycling some of those 1993 bodysuits to create equally as terrible ensembles in 2008.

So Randy was responsible for Touch My Body? Makes sense. Because it totally sucks. It sucks just as bad as his stupid little kid craft bracelets.

The Child With No Soul
When You Believe
I could only hope the first spot would ensure certain doom for That Stupid Kid, but he’s like Teflon. He is also wearing vinyl pants, so very very wrong. I realize I have heard this song and I have always absolutely loathed it. This kid doesn’t sing anything but “message” songs. You know who might be able to do a killer impression of this kid? SNL’s Fred Armisen. Once again, the robotic teenager did nothing to move me. Now let’s watch all the judges ride his nutsack. And what do you mean, Randy, that he can sing anything? Because it’s a “girl” song? Uh, no. It’s a boring stupid ballad, the only thing this android can do.

Mick O’McLastchanceatstardom
Ken Lee
Like Smithson, I am also mourning the loss of Michael Johns. He should not have gone out before the Top 5. And placing Carly in the #2 singing spot continues to lend some credibility to the theories about intentional knockoffs. She’s become the sacrificial lamb. I cannot listen to this song without thinking of Valentina Hasen’s Ken Lee. No really, I cannot listen to this song without thinking Ken Leeeeee. You know she wants to bust out a little “tilibu diba douchoo”. If American Idol does not bring Valentina Hasen on for tomorrow’s results show or the big finale, I will cry. Carly did good, better than That Stupid Kid. And tell me why Paula isn’t the spokesmodel for Cache because no one embodies the Cache fashion philosophy better than Ms. Abdul. Anyway, Without You is just a boring song. The only way its not boring is when Valentina Hasan sings it.

(Yes, American Idol, you are so blatant in who you want kept in this competition.)

Supermercado
Vanishing
Another Mariah song I hate. I realized, I know all these songs, just not necessarily all of the titles. Syesha apparently rolled her head in Kristy Lee’s glitter stash. Ah…another decent vocal from a truly boring singer. All hopes about Syesha having a “hidden edge” to her performance persona were dashed for me with last week’s Fantasia knockoff. Right now, for the next 3 weeks, its going to be the systematic destruction of Syesha, Kristy Lee and Carly. It’s just a matter of the order in which they’re eliminated.

Wholesome Hemmroids
Hero
Hero. What a terribly annoying song. The cardboard cutout story was stupid, as wouldn’t it make more sense to have videotaped a greeting and song for her beloved sister? Boring. Boring. Boring. And she did her typical babbling and pouting when in front of the judges.

(Paula is beautifully incoherrent this week.)

Kristy Lee Cleavage
Forever
I don’t think Mariah feels comfortable hugging people that aren’t as famous as her, or after she’s had a few glasses of wine (like in this fabulous photo of her and my friend Party Paul). Anyway, Kristy Lee puts a slight country twinge onto Forever (big surprise), is wearing a breast-enhancing dress and lots ‘o’ glitter. But those fake eyelashes may be a little much, looking more like an eyebrow stolen from Peter Gallagher. Kristy Lee, the longer she stays, the more confident she becomes. Wouldn’t exactly call myself a fan, but she has shown improvement and deserves better props than what she got from the judges. The only person they’ve lauded so far is oh, big surprise, The 12th Cylon.

(How cute. Ramiele just can’t get enough American Idol, even after she got booted. I don’t understand those people, for instance, the ones who get fired from a bar and then go hang out there after the fact. Why would you hang out at a place that fired you? That’s kind of how I see attending all the American Idol nearly immediately after your your ousting. But I guess its screen time if you can get it.)

David Power Note Squint
Always Be My Baby
Is Cook paying tribute to his fallen comrade, Michael Johns, with the vest and tie ensemble (watch for a cravat tomorrow)? Kind of a fun arrangement, very nice and I would like to hear the studio version (but I still think Cook’s Hello was his best performance). Yes, he did great, but then it just starts reminding me how the judges never ask The Chosen One to “stretch” himself. And while Cook can bother me by being cocky, I am touched by his genuine emotion at being able to perform in front of his brother, who is being treated for brain cancer and was able to be in tonight’s audience. On that note, the judges should really curb the use of the word “brave”. Suffering from brain cancer, that’s BRAVE. Singing a song on a stage is nothing compared to the kind of bravery needed to fight cancer.

Blazing Jason
I’m Not Gonna Cry
I kind of feel like this is almost an “island” version, like something I would hear used in a movie during the scene where the girl catches her brand new boyfriend making out with some dumb young hooker, before running off to go um, eat Poi. Which is apparently what Paula and Simon were babbling about. Once again, I took great pleasure in watching Stoner Jason. He’s one of my favorites and will remain as such unless he gets an Archuleta lobotomy within the next month.

A mainly dull experience, as per usual. But at least no one allowed Teri Hatcher to sing. Oh, and I would have preferred to have seen a Michael Johns performance (According to his EW Exit Q&A, he was going to sing Vision of Love) in place of any of the girls’ performances.

Bottom 3: Carly, Syesha, Brooke
Going home: Syesha

Top Idol Rankings:

1. David Cook
2. Jason Castro
3. Kristy Lee Cook (I know, I can’t believe I’ve ranked her this high myself!)
4. Carly Smithson
5. Syesha Mercado
6. Brooke White (Yawn. Yawn. Pout. Yawn.)
7. David Archuleta (You bore me and the vinyl pants looked ridiculous on you. You’re a closeted 17-year-old from Utah with shit music taste. Take it slow, sweetheart, take it slow. You shan’t be wearing rock star pants when you’re singing shit ass ballads.

Thanks to Rickey.org for the photos!

(Just because all the eye candy is gone, I felt the need to insert this cravat-cool photo.)

Once again, from that bastion of hard-hitting journalism, TMZ, tonight’s Idol song spoilers.

Carly Smithson’s Without You will be nothing compared with Valentina Hasan’s illustrious version. And Brooke singing Hero? That’s like overdosing on the entire North American inventory of Marshmellow Peep candies. Ugh.

Questa volta ha qualcuno che l’accompagna al pianoforte, un pubblico, le luci, forse un povero cristo che ha perso del tempo con lei per farle imparare la giusta pronuncia. Ma niente, non ce l’ha fatta. O meglio, lei ha provato a concentrarsi, sorridente, decisa, raggiante nella sua mise da Barbie Melanzana. Ma se hai una platea impazzita che mentre cerchi di cantare in modo corretto “…if living is without you” ti alza sotto un coro da stadio con “tulibu dibu douchoo” …ecco, forse un pelino rischi di sbagliare.

Ha azzeccato un solo ritornello. E poi s’è lasciata trasportare nuovamente dal suo straziante grido d’amore.
Che mito. Chissà a metterla in duetto con l’Uomo Bandana e Mariano Apicella. Tanto ormai…

My cousin sent me this video of Valentina Hasan covering Badfinger’s “Can’t Live” and it’s had me and a number of my friends in hysterics so I’m gonna share it further. Somehow we missed this clip when it first made the rounds on YouTube.

Ken Lee – (Badfinger’s “Can’t Live”) – translated into … I dunno what but it’s funny

Yes folks keep calling it a Mariah Carey song, she SANG it but she didn’t write it and is far from the first person to cover it.

Dancers wearing terrible costumes. Why are dancer costumes so damn horrible?

Idols come out…singing Rhianna…completely butcher the whole “say on a top a mountaintop kumbaya” whatever that part is exactly. Which I can understand being easy to butcher, but it still sounds like crap. Why is Ryan Seacrest dancing?

Some NASCAR driver…

Maria Shriver, I’ve always liked you, kind of admired you, actually, so I feel the need to tell you that its time to put the Botox needle down.

Ben Stiller…why do I find it kind of difficult to believe you volunteer? You’ve always struck me as kind of a tightly-wound asshat.

Jennifer Connelly is absolutely beautiful. And she has made me appreciate my bottle of water.

SNOOP DOGG. And some cute little kids behind him. I soooo hope Jason Castro and him smoked a fat blunt in the green room. That would rule. Taylor Hicks actually performed Gin & Juice with Snoop on stage at some concert once, so I imagine he must kind of be an Idol fan.

2^nd commercial…already getting tired. Some WWE guy shows up. I don’t know Triple H, but I have always liked The Rock.

Paula and Randy come out on stage to that absolutely horrible song. I realize that it’s really pathetic when other children are starving when kids in this country suffer from increased rates of obesity …wait, where are the overweight kids? Now we’re talking about gang activity. I thought Randy was gonna buy a bunch of children gastric bypass or something. Wait, now kids are eating healthy and playing in a park.

Oh Christ, Carrie Underwood, looking too skinny and James Denton is her “plumber” (Bit of trivia, he was the inspiration for the song Strawberry Wine). Now Teri Hatcher is singing that Carrie Underwood song. Why am I watching this show? And why can’t I ever sing horrible karaoke in front of a full-out band? But I do like that James Denton, please show more shots of him so I don’t have to see Teri Hatcher sing. And did she get new implants during the WGA strike?

Who is this Mary Murphy and why is she yelling?

Oh. Those are the Jonas Brothers. I think they’re all about being virgins or something. And here’s Billy Crystal who hasn’t been funny since City Slickers. And Miley Cyrus shows up. Ok. I kind of like Miley Cyrus. I watched a couple of episodes of Hannah Montana while home for the holidays in order to talk to my one niece and figure out what all this fuss was about, and she’s kind of likeable. And whatever, I totally downloaded that See You Again song b/c it’s just ridiculously infectious. I hate when older celebrities and younger celebrities do that whole “you’re out of touch” banter.

Is this over yet? No, it’s only been about 34 minutes. Now Miley Cyrus is singing and I realize she’s actually kind of fun to watch perform and I am beginning to hope that she won’t end up like the Olsen twins or Britney. And this shouldn’t be something that bothers me, but that Miley Cyrus is so darn spunky.

Wait. So if I call, I can talk to Chikieze? So are these people sitting on the stage alone right now b/c this stuff was taped last weekend? No, there are people. I’m utterly confused. They’re lying about the Idols answering phones, I know it. But I am tempted to call in the hopes of Chikieze answering my call.

Bono! Bono, come on, can’t you be a guest mentor? I can bitch about Bono being a pompous blowhard, but the guy honestly gives a frak about helping people, which might just excuse him from being a pompous blowhard. And it’s Bono. With the exception of the tour where he wore the silver spacesuit, U2 is still a great band.

Oh, I like Julienne Moore. Maria Shriver should really be using whoever is giving Julienne Moore her botox.

John Legend, good. Fergie,bad. And this song is excruciating. Sorry John Legend, but you’re getting the fast forward.

Oooh, Heart. Oh wow, I had no idea she had gotten that big. I love Heart. Whatever. Come on, don’t let Fergie sing Barracuda, of course, its better than Fergie singing anything original or a Black Eyed Peas number. Maybe part of the reason I don’t like Fergie is because she kind of resembles Kirstie Alley? Who knows, I don’t plan on giving much thought to it. Or her one-handed cartwheels.

Another WWE guy…17,000^th commercial break and still not even half over.

Adam Sandler urges people to call, the Idols sitting with their Macbook Airs are trying to get me to call. Like I really need to know if,…Oh, shit, there’s Amanda. I want to talk to CHILE!! I know this is all a sham but they are trying so hard to tempt me and I worry I’m going to be pulling out my debit card in the next 10 minutes. And now when they went to the other screen to show the Manning brothers, I am about to believe they really are answering the phones.

I’m bargaining with myself. I’ve only given $25 to charity this year. That’s not right. And that was more fundraising for a friend running the marathon, yeah, it’s charity, but…why is this show toying with my emotions? And I do appreciate the Mannings could give back when that idiot Tom Brady is just hanging with his supermodel girlfriend. That’s not giving back. Christ, why do I keep bargaining with myself??

Oh, hello Posh and Becks. Please stay away from TomKat. Please stay far away from those lunatics…oh now they’re making me try and call again and they’ve brought back Bono. Bono without his pompous sunglasses. And my phone is sitting here b/c I just received a text. Must…be…strong…Now Annie Lennox is in Africa and I’ve been inundated with too many UK accents and BBC camera filters that I’m really, really wanting to give back. If I hear Annie Lennox sing, that’s it. Wait, she’s crying. I can’t fight it anymore. I want to give back. And Annie Lennox is about to sing. Now I want to go to Africa and help people.

I am completely buying into this show and not feeling as dirty and manipulated as I thought I would…I think I need to give $25 before Carrie Underwood comes back out and ruins my charitable mindset.

Kiefer Sutherland. Well, he does star on a Fox show.

Celine Dion went to Africa for a few days, but this just feels like a photo op. And Jimmy Kimmel is here, which means Sarah Silverman will also be there. If they’re involved, it would make it ok for me to give…right?

And we’re going to see Simon be a nice guy, which doesn’t surprise me. I like Simon Cowell, even if he is responsible for Il Divo.

There’s Carrie Underwood wearing a dress designed for the Q&A portion of a pageant. It looks like melted rainbow sherbet swirling around in a polluted swamp. MUTE. Now I’m calling. Fine. I called. I gave $25. Unfortunately, none of the Idol contestants answered. I knew it was fake. They just like to tell you it might happen. Telethons can be such a racket!

Whoopi, Ellen..Now we come to…ugh, Gloria Estefan singing that Get On Your Feet song, but Sheila E. is there! Sheila E.! I have the sudden urge to see if I can download The Glamorous Life from iTunes. Sorry, Gloria, I like you, but I don’t like much of your music. I’m gonna have to fast forward. Stopped for the Shelia E. drum solo. Dancers wearing bad costumes.

Oh, good. Sarah Silverman showed up. Now I don’t feel like such a tool. It would be cool if Matt Damon showed up and they performed. Just saying…

Not only is Malaria horrible, but wiping it out would prevent George Bush from bastardizing African music and dance ever again. Between Sarah Silverman, Forest Whitaker, the dying children in Angola and Sia’s Breathe playing in the background, I suddenly feel kind of gooey inside knowing I gave $25. I’m just going to assume it goes to charitable stuff and not worry about all those dollars that manage to go unaccounted for…

Bring in the politicians. Prime Minister Brown…back to Idols playing on phone. Why would it have been odd for Brooke not to be supporting Save the Children?

Keith Urban says something…Reese Witherspoon shows up…going to New Orleans. I’m sure they’re saving Brad Pitt for the end.

The Idols come out to sing Seasons of Love. This can’t be good. That song from Rent. Never understood all the fuss about Rent. The 12th Cylon is trying to inflect emotion into the song by closing his eyes. Ok, well Michael Johns and David Cook do it too, but it’s just not as annoying when they do it.

Oh Idol Gives Back, just end. You already have my $25, which is good, because it was going to be tougher for me to have picked up that phone had Dane Cook already come out on stage. Alicia Keys is so purdy, and I am trying not to wonder how long it takes to braid her hair and concentrate on the segment.

High School Musical skanks show up…they’re taking away from my urge to become an aid worker in Africa. Oooh, Miley Cyrus is back and she’s singing that most awesome of guilty pleasure songs. I can’t help it. I love this song. It’s just too damn catchy. I can’t help it!! Now there is a video of her and Billy Ray in Kentucky and I feel the overwhelming urge to re-watch the incredible documentary, Lalee’s Kin. I now want to rescue poor American children and prevent them from getting pregnant at age 13.

Robin Williams shows up pretending to be the “Russian Idol”. Whatever. You know who should have been on this show? VALENTINA HASAN! Maybe she will be there next week when Mariah Carey comes by…that would be so incredibly awesome.

Brad Pitt finally shows up and he’s hot. Which isn’t surprising because he’s Brad Pitt. Cute little scene with the fallen mic. I’ve actually read some stuff about Make It Right and looked at the housing designs. It’s pretty cool and I’m genuinely interested to see the results. Daughtry also went to Africa. (Yeah, Carrie Underwood, where did you go to give back? Huh?)

Ok. The Tivo has cut it off. I am thankful. Thankful that this whole arduous 2.5 hour show is finally over. And thankful that Battlestar Galactica is finally returned, washing the bad Idol taste left in my mouth from earlier in the week. Oh, and thankful I don’t have it all that bad in life when it comes down to it.

(I’m sure I will feel manipulated by midnight. I’m just gonna go with this semi-warm fuzziness for now.)

Apparently, my Tivo ended right before the Idols sang Shout to the Lord. COME ON! Ok. Now I want my $25 back. Was I watching the Trinity Broadcasting Network? Did I also miss it when Kirk Cameron took the stage?

Now I feel so un-fuzzy.

Introducing….MISS VALENTINA HASAN….its hilarious…. Miss Valentina Hasan joined Bulgaria’s version of American Idol called Music Idol and during her audition she sang her version of Without You called Ken Lee… Enjoy

She was later invited back to Bulgaria Idol to sing and this performance shows that she had been taking some english lessons.

No really, I do. And they have their own versions of Idol infinitely more entertaning than anything we have here. But I didn’t even think about the fact some version of American Idol is now aired in nearly every country until my friends in Croatia informed me of this fact. (Because honestly, before I got sucked into this inanity, I didn’t really think about American Idol much at all.) When I looked up videos of Hrvatski Idol on YouTube, I sent them to my Croatian friend Bartica and she replied something like “No, no, no. Stop watching. You will damage brain.”

This Croatian guy is awesome. And luckily, the video is under 40 seconds so I don’t think it did much damage. I think he was drinking with friends and they just happened to find out auditions were next door and thought, oh, we should go try out. That stuff totally happens, for instance, recently a friend and I ended up crashing a sorority party because we saw a line forming next door to a bar we were at. There was a punch bowl and pledges passing around chocolate-covered strawberries and petit fours. I should mention I am 30 and my friend is 34, but you know, we wondered what was going on next door. I’m sure that’s how this guy ended up trying out for Hrvatski Idol.

It’s nice that chicks sing G’N'R, too. Like in Hungary. This chick sings Paradise City, and while it’s not exactly a musical spectacular, Gabriella Toth’s resemblance to Ashlee Simpson is uncanny, especially since she’s actually singing. I would like to have Axl Rose be one of those Idol coaches. That would be incredible. I think he would end up trying to fight Jason Castro just because he would start halucinating and think it was Slash. Like you just know when Axl brawled with Tommy Hilfiger, it was likely because he confused him for Duff.

Everyone has already seen the priceless “Ken Lee” clip from Bulgaria’s Music Idol. Luckily, she got so popular they brought her back to perform the entire song! I love Valentina Hasan. They really need to put her on the season finale of American Idol. Regardless of what anyone says, she still speaks English better than Kellie Pickler. I also love the Bulgarians’ attention to detail, even if they really do need a bigger stage. Check out the Paula judge! She looks like Paula…but better AND much more lucid. They also have a big white bald guy and I bet that’s the “Randy”, which is probably pretty accurate because you know when Randy Jackson stares at himself in the mirror, he sees a big bald white dawg staring back at him.

This Czech guy almost sounds and looks like Jon Bon Jovi, especially if you were really drunk in a bar where a Bon Jovi tribute band was playing. I bet 7 / 10 times that guy takes a drunk chick home, she’s like “sing Livin’ On A Prayer for me.”