Nigeria, my Nigeria…

Anyone who knows me is probably sick and tired of the amount of times I’ve said “I cannot WAIT to go home” in the past month alone. But I can’t help it – it’s been almost ten months since I was last in Nigeria. Ten long months since that red earth/hot sun/blue sky/sea breeze/palm trees/roast corn/go-slow/fast talk that signifies home for me. If you haven’t been to Lagos, start saving your money for a plane ticket right now. Seriously. There is nowhere else on this planet that is the same combination of cool/crazy/dangerous/beautiful/intense as my home city. Not only that, but going home means that I’ll be reunited with my family again. I haven’t seen my mother since April, nor have I met my adorable new niece, Amina, who was born in August. We’ve also moved into a new house in a different part of the city and have acquired a new dog (who’s butt ugly, but still). In just over two weeks I’ll be eating beans and plantain, watching MNET and indulging in the feel of the scorching sun on my back, a welcome break from the miserable cold of New York City in December.

But as much as I am looking forward to going home, I am also very sceptical about returning. Reading 234Next, a Lagos-based newspaper, has made me very concerned about the current state of political affairs in Nigeria – and by “concerned” I mean furious. For those who aren’t up on Nigerian Politics 101, let me explain: my country’s current president is Umaru Yar’Adua, a former chemistry professor who is a member of the ruling People’s Democratic Party (PDP). The PDP has been in charge of Nigeria for the past ten years of “democracy” following the death of the military dictator General Sani Abacha. President Yar’Adua has been ill for most of his presidency. He has been making regular trips out of the country for “medical check-ups,” is rarely seen in public and has been neglecting some of his presidential duties. When he ran for the presidency in 2007, there were persistent rumours that he was suffering from a kidney ailment, and his doctors have recently revealed that he has a “heart condition.” Many Nigerians are worried that he’s going to die before his term is over in 2011, and as a result there have been calls for his resignation. In any other country, this would seem perfectly logical, right? Not my people. This weekend, six of the politicians who had led calls for his resignation were threatened by members of the PDP who showed up at their homes with thugs, ready to assault them. And it will only get worse. You see, the PDP is not so much a political party as a crew of old army friends who have ruled Nigeria in some form – whether democratically or in authoritarian fashion – since the 1970s and who have no intention of letting go of power. They are drunk on the country’s oil and the money that it keeps flowing into official coffers, and which they believe they have free rein to siphon off for their multi-million dollar mansions in London and fleets of cars. And President Yar’Adua is their personal puppet – despite his probably good intentions, the power of the PDP is so deeply entrenched that efforts to prosecute the corrupt have been severely hindered by political wrangling. One example is the treatment of Nuhu Ribadu, the head of the Economic and Financial Crimes Commission, who was dismissed from his position by the Inspector-General of Police for actually doing his job rather than stealing. The president was powerless to do anything to stop this move, a sign of his political weakness that his physical ailments are doing little to help.

So why doesn’t it make sense for him to step down and the vice-president to take over? Again, my dear people: politics. The current vice-president, Jonathan Goodluck, is from the oil-rich South-South region of Nigeria (the part of the country from which I also hail). The PDP, which is dominated by Northerners, instituted a “rotational policy” of sorts regarding the presidency: they unilaterally divided the country up into six zones between the north and south, which the president is to be elected from in turn. However, the ethnic group that dominates the North (the Hausa-Fulani) benefit from this arrangement the most: in 24 years they would hold the presidency for 12 years in total (their exclusion of smaller ethnic groups in the same geographic region make it unlikely that they would allow someone from a minority tribe to be nominated for president), while the other two large ethnic groups (the Yoruba and Igbo) and the mix of Itsekiri, Ijaw and others in the South-South would only rule for 4 years each. Not only is this a problematic power fixation, but it also does nothing to dismantle the artificial ethnic divides put in place by the British during colonial rule which split Nigeria between North and South.

A further complication is the current constitution and how it defines the role of the Vice-President. Goodluck’s powers, now that Yar’Adua is technically incapacitated, are fairly limited: he can only act as president if Yar’Adua writes a letter informing the Senate and House of Representatives that says he can – which Yar’Adua has not done.  This isn’t surprising – I highly doubt that the people that actually run Nigeria would let Yar’Adua cede his “power” to someone who may, quite possibly, want to do the job of president properly and prevent them from taking advantage of the political system for their own benefit. What frustrates me is the way that the game of politics in Nigeria is played out within the confines of such a small circle. There is zero political transparency and no true representation in government – our supposed leaders make no effort in hiding the fact that they seek power for their own benefit, not for the benefit of their constituents. No popular movement or revolution can take place if people aren’t aware of the political process and the ways that they are being excluded from it.

Or are they? The Western media has increasingly picked up on one particular anti-government group in Nigeria: the Movement for the Emancipation of the Niger Delta (MEND). This is a group of “militants” (for lack of a better word) who are seeking greater resources for the people of the South-South, one of the most woefully under-developed areas of Nigeria. Their main tactics have involved kidnapping and disrupting the oil production process – not the most savoury methods, but nonetheless highly effective at putting the divide between the people of Nigeria and their government on the national stage. The government couldn’t just ignore or shut down the militants when the oil money was being threatened – they had to negotiate with the fighters and are now finally channelling money into the region (and bypassing the corrupt state governors in that area by giving it directly to local governments). There are still tensions in the region and the self-interest of many of the militants who feel hard done by the recent ceasefire (read: they didn’t get the money they were expecting) could lead to more violence at the expense of the ordinary people in the area. There is, of course, far more to the current political situation than my knowledge allows for, but from my perspective these are among the most crucial because of their potential to destabilise the country.

I remember reading the Odyssey my freshman year of college and discussing with my professor the inevitably bittersweet nature of returning home. Sitting in this miserable library with a ton of homework awaiting me, the thought of warm, sunny Lagos, good food and the love of my family seem so incredibly perfect. But then I read the news that leaves me increasingly fearful that my country could potentially plunge back into civil war and wonder about the place that I want to go back to so much. Despite the problems hanging over Nigeria, I know that being home will be good for me on some level, at least as I am right now. What exactly the future holds for me and my country… I suppose I’ll have to wait and see. Right now, everything seems as devoid of answers as the paper I have due tomorrow is of words =/

P.S. Had to bring back the main man Fela for the title.

“Bill O’Reilly told her there’s a war on Christmas.”

December 7, 2009

Its not such a good day for me. At school, I haven’t been with my friends, best friends I must say. and I hate myself for getting involved in everything just for my academics. I can’t seem to balance everything. When I put some attention to my studies it gets my full focus and I have no time for my friends. If I make time for my friends my grades will be pulled down. It sucks.  Also, because of this, My best friends are closer to each other rather than to me. I mean, throughout the past few weeks, I notice that they know secrets that I barely even know, they say things that only the two of them get and sometimes, they talk to each other more  eve whenever I’m around. I don’t want to protest either because I know I’ll end up being the bad guy, the bitch that wants everything to be the way she wants it to be. I don’t want to be that person, so I just let  everything flow.

Another thing why I hate this day, I got a grade of 75 in the Oral test in my music class. We had to make a Christmas carol with at least 2 songs together with choreography and vocals. I wanted it to turn out awesome but that didn’t happen ’cause some of our members had to not cooperate and not take it seriously. OOF

I don’t know what to do right now, my situation sucks.

:[

I guess Im done venting now.

This past couple weeks has been insane around here for me!  1st I went to see my Dad who was still in the hospital, but was able to come out on a day pass for a “whirlwind” visit., and then returned back to the city with just enough time to come here check on the cats, and then return to the Airport to pick up my Mom and Aunt Yvonne who arrived after Midnight Sun. 

Arriving in the city so late, I decided I’d sleep over at Grandma’s as I was too tired to drive back here.  And get a bit of a visit at the same time, the following day we all had another day’s nice visit, and then Wednesday I had to come here and check the cats again, and then work; pick up Auntie Denise at the airport whom also arrived after Midnight so had to do the sleep-over again, and then Thursday again had a visit and then had to leave.  Friday was a day for me here, and Sat. went early to pick up Mom and we went to the Fort Whyte Centre, and then out for lunch came here, and then I took her back to Grandma’s before having to start my shift as they were going to have a get-together for supper with some of Grandma’s Nieces and Nephews (Mom’s 1st cousins.) 

And I thought Sat evening when I’d return to work would be another quiet night to catch up on lost sleep.  NOOOOOO!  I got a phone call here at about 10:00.  Uncle Henri saying Mom is coming here and sleeping here will explain later. O.k. but had to do a whirlwind change-over on the linens of the bed and put out fresh towels.  Mom arrived explaining she and Grandma had a bit of a “falling out” and preferred to stay here and then go to Henri’s tommorow afternoon, so he could take her to the Airport as I was working at the time of her departure.

With Christmas slowly approaching I fear a regular routine truly won’t return until after New Year’s.  As I know Grandma likes to entertain, and my cousins from Prince George will be arriving soon. 

But, for now, I’ll try to return to as much a regular routine as possible.

THOR: Mom, when will this highway (SLEX) ever be fixed?

SLEX- South Luzon Exasperation

For the past few months there have been a number of potholes on SLEX, since I daily drive the distance, I have memorized their locations and avoid the lanes which have them.

A couple of years back the so called “SOUTH LUZON EXPRESSWAY (SLEX) REHABILITATION” commenced. For the duration of this “rehabilitation” the riding public was subjected to hours upon hours of traffic. Finally when it was “finished” this year, the SKYWAY 2 subsequently began construction. Again commuters are once again traffic victims, some residents of the Southern Manila and Luzon waking up as early as 3:00 AM just to make it to their 8:00 AM jobs in Makati or even farther north.

Since May of this year, there have been many many many road blocks and closed south- bound lanes on SLEX. I stopped at one such closed lane and asked what they were doing, and the work men answered “road maintenance”. From the Alabang Exit to the Greenfield Exit you will encounter around 3 of these lane closures, all no less than a 300 meter blockage. So after you survive the Skyway 2 construction, you will encounter these barriers and these pop- up blockages are never- ending. These dangerous work sites appear when you least expect it, no advisories are issued in ANY southbound/ northbound exit.

Northbound lanes also have these “road maintenance” blockages; truth be told they are dangerous and frankly annoying because the areas being “maintained” have absolutely nothing wrong with them. If the lot of these “obstructions” are truly to maintain the SLEX, then the so-called “rehabilitation” wasn’t a good job then, was it? Obviously budgets have to be used up before the 2010 elections.

Maintenance? Come on! Many times on SLEX you will see pieces of rubber, wood even large plastic bags all these dangerous to cars that are running at speeds of at least 60 KPH. Once there was a 3 foot piece of metal lying right smack on the middle of the SLEX Highway, the Philippine National Construction Corporation (PNCC) road patrols didn’t even remove it, I traveled South twice that day, once in the morning and once in the afternoon, it was there both times. What irritated me more than the fact that the PNCC did not bother to clean it up was that it was less than 100 meters from an area being “maintained”, there were more than 10 workmen there.

A tell tale sign that these “maintenance” barriers are a sham is that the potholes I have gotten so used to over the past months are still there. Maybe the “maintenance” of SLEX does not cover dirt, garbage and ACTUAL road damage.

I pray that when my six- year old Thor reaches college he will be able to drive through the SLEX from end to end comfortably as was the reason for the existence of SLEX.

These were selected from different songs Skillet did in their new album and they kind of pertain to my life right now….

Forgive me now cuz I
Have been unfaithful
Don’t ask me why cuz I don’t know

So many times I’ve tried

But was unable…… I’ve gotta live with the choices I made
But I can’t live with myself today….

This secret side of me, I never let you see
I keep it caged but I can’t control it

So stay away from me, the beast is ugly…
I feel it deep within, it’s just beneath the skin
I must confess that I feel like a monster
I hate what I’ve become, the nightmare’s just begun
I must confess that I feel like a monster…

So do You know what it’s like when
You’re scared to see yourself?
Do You know what it’s like when
You wish You were someone else…
I don’t wanna feel like this tomorrow
I don’t wanna feel like this today
Make me feel better, I wanna feel better,
Stay with me here now and never surrender
Do You know what it’s like when
You’re not who You wanna be?
Do You know what it’s like to
Be your own worst enemy
Who see the things in my I can’t hide?….

I’m at war with the world and they
Try to pull me into the dark
I struggle to find my faith
As I’m slippin’ from Your arms
It’s getting harder to stay awake
And my strength is fading fast…

…Sometimes don’t deny
That everything is wrong…

I’m still trying to figure out how to tell you I was wrong
I can’t fill the emptiness inside since you’ve been gone
So is it you or is it me?
I know I said things that I didn’t mean
But you should’ve known me by now
You should’ve known me…
I can’t undo the things that led us to this place
But I know there’s something more to us than our mistakes…

…Got to live with the choices I’ve made
And I can’t live with myself today…

Ok, so this evening was the perfect example of ONE of the reasons I needed this blog. I need to vent.  So I won’t take it out on anyone else around me, mainly.  So hopefully after I vent about this little – issue – shall we say,  I will be all good and ready to go downstairs and cook my amazing husband an amazing meal.  Gnocchi is on the menu tonight, by the way… yum-o!

So, by now, you would think that I would realize that I should not even look at my work email over the weekend because all it ever does is cause me to get all flustered… but there’s something about it being right there on your phone and you see that little number above the mail icon go up one more number.  I can’t help myself and I just look.  And sure enough… someone is wanting something from me.  Someone who I have been asking for something from for over a week.  But, when they need it, they need it now, on a Sunday night.  It’s an emergency!  It has that bright red exclamation mark that I so loathe!

Oh, I wish I was the kind of person who could just say “screw ‘em!” but for some reason I can’t.  I just get all ticked off and just do it anyway – just like I did tonight.  Why is that?  It seems like no one else does that!  And then, I’m just ticked off while I’m finishing my Wal-Mart shopping because THE NERVE!  What’s my problem? 

Oh yeah, my problem is checking my email on the weekend.  That’s the problem. 

Ok, so I already feel a little better – and see that was only threeish paragraphs.  Job well done helping me out, here, blog.  I’ll come back at you later with something a little more happy.  Hopefully!

“I do love my body…  Just not the parts that I don’t think should be there.”

-Me, after spending an afternoon shopping for dresses at the mall with Rachel.

I am getting progressively more angry with AT&T.  This is now in Boston, at the MSFT building in Cambridge.  I get dropped calls on a regular basis with five bars.  Infuriating.

Good morning-

I apologize in advance for the venting I am about to do.

I hate it when people tell me that guys think I’m “too good for them.”  Initially, it seems like a compliment because it’s supposed to make me feel like I’m on some sort of pedestal and honored or something.  But when I really think about it, it just feels like an excuse.

All it means is that right now, no guy feels like I’m worth it to try and be “good enough” for me or whatever.  No guy cares about me enough to want to change the things he thinks are not going to cut it with me.  Basically, I’m not worth enough to make a huge effort for right now.  I hate that excuse.  I’d rather a guy just say he’s not interested.  That feels like the truth to me.  Saying they’re “not good enough” is just another excuse, disguised as a compliment.

And I’m going to say now that I’m not “too good” or anything like that.  Yes, I don’t drink or do drugs, I’ve never been kissed, I love my family, I love God most of all, and cussing in movies makes me cringe.  But I’m not better than you or anyone else.  I make mistakes, I can be rude, selfish, catty, and stuck-up.  I appreciate being thought of as “good” but only God is good and just because I’m not going to settle doesn’t mean you have to be perfect to try.  Because I am DEFINITELY not perfect.

I guess I’m just scared that no one will ever want to know me enough to see my flaws, to get deeper than who I appear to be.

Well Sir, I guess if you’re reading this then you have.  Thank you.  From the past, I thank you.  I’m sorry to vent against guys.  I know y’all are trying to be nice when you say things like that, but sometimes it’s just less misleading if you just say, “You’re great but I’m not interested.”  The same thing gets achieved and it’s more honest.

Sir, honesty is very important to me.  That’s not supposed to scare you or anything, I just have realized that in all my relationships, truth and love are what makes them strongest.

Well… another heavy one.  Oh dear, I need to start talking about more joyful things.

It’s Sunday so I will be taking yet another nap.  Yesterday I slept from 4-6:45 and it was delightful.  Oh I hope you like naps.

-c

It’s 5AM on a Saturday morning and I have no personal reason to vent, other than my day has started later than has been the norm, but my brain has been mulling over this post since I first gave the okay for the below to take place. 

In my work life  one of my endless responsibilites is to oversee our customer service department.  Though I rarely have to step in, I do read every e-mail that comes through.  The phone calls that come in are sometimes so challenging, and not in a question way but in a customer attitude way, that I have all I can do not laugh at the facial expressions and hand gestures happening in the office.  I can do nothing for the latter but I can definitely help with the former.

Sort of.

For obvious reasons, no matter how much the customer berates our product, insults our company or is plain stupid we have to answer politely since the customer is always right.  It’s amazing how people know how to contact us to complain that they were shorted some floss or yarn and had to buy it themselves, and swear they’ll NEVER buy another of our products, but can’t find that same contact info to ask us for said supplies.  Some people place on-line orders on Saturday and are screaming mad that they don’t have their orders on Tuesday!!!  Give us a break folks, even Barnes & Noble can’t get your stuff to you that fast!!!  Gggrrrr….

Anyway, just when the breaking point is about to be reached we get an exceedingly polite e-mail request, a product or customer service compliment or in one case, an e-mail from an elderly man who was so impressed with our customer service agent that he wanted to buy her an ice cream!

So how does a customer service department vent their frustrations with e-mail correspondence in a way that no recipient will realize?  Think about it…it’s the Christmas season…there is an iconic good character as well as a not-so-good character, and each come with a specific color attached to them.

Still puzzled?

OK, I’ll help you out…

If the customer has been nice, great or at least tolerable, our replies to them should be signed in RED for Santa – a holly jolly guy.  However, if it’s clear the customer has no idea what “nice” is then the signature line should be in GREEN for the Grinch!

I can guarantee that 99.9% of customers will have no clue what’s happening, even if the signatures change colors during on-going correspondences.  While they think we’re being festive, we’ll know that we’re politely screaming right back at them, laughing at their lack of common sense or otherwise venting.

For those customers who choose to be less than polite via the telephone, tolerance is the only answer…unless of course we have to mail them something.  That’s when the red/green signature line venting will work again as our customer service deparment generates miscellaneous shippers to be included with all outgoing mail.

Once the economy turns around and customers aren’t in such huge control of everything that businesses do, I have another plan for venting, a plan that had my co-workers in hysterics and immediately pining for the day when it could be enacted. 

More on that at some future point in time…I’m still fine tuning all the logistics…

I want to scream at the top of my lungs. He cheated on me. I deserve it. After the years of fucking someone else’s boyfriend, after everything thing I did to him. But it hurts like hell. I dont know what to do. Can i just ignore it. I so want to ignore it.

“I think he should change his name from Tiger to Cheetah.”

Isn’t life just overwhelming? I mean there’s school, relationships, computer problems (I’m a PC not by choice, but by financial measure. I’d rather have a Mac), friends who need advice, annoying people, writing music, and on top of all that, you have to have a social life! Come on! Good news though: wrote at least 3 new riffs, got back in touch with my best bro ever (who drums like a beast), and got my computer desk set up in my new room! Booyah!

We started off with your normal vision exam. I have my concerns with Eli’s left eye. Under the letters he is to read he wasn’t reading the 200 range with his left eye. He did with his right. Now, I’m assuming this is the 200 as in 20/200. The next letter he was shown was 300 which he could read. So…is his right eye still 20/200 and his left now 20/300?

Elijah then had an electroretinogram on Tues. Threads were inside his eyelids measuring his eye’s reactions. We sat in a dark (as dark as can be) room for over an hour. Eli had to look into a space helmet looking device and then it would flash a light. The light colors would change and the breaks in between the flashes varied.

After the test the tech said to Eli, “You sure don’t see very well at night do you?” He laughed and said, “No”.

That’s all I really know about the test until we see his eye doctor in town on Jan. 4.

Next Eli was off to a photo shoot. There was one set of photos of his retinas ordered. However, after those were done this tech thought we should do some more on two other camers. So, off to two more rooms and then we were done.

I know nothing about the pictures either. Just that the tech mentioned that he felt he made the right decision to take further pictures.

It really sucks going to these appointments and not finding ANYTHING out. The techs can’t tell you anything and the doctors have to review all of it.

I know Jan. 4 is not that far away. And with the holidays here the time will fly. But, man…it feels like forever before I’ll know the results. UGH!

“President-elect Palin decided at the last minute not to appear, so the oath of office will be taken by her Facebook page.”

Much news floating around regarding the economy, jobs, the effectiveness of the horrendously expensive stimulus packages passed by Congress, and the reality of any actual stimuli.  For the most part I find most of what is coming out of the various talking heads in the Government to be nothing short of wishful thinking.

Most of the ‘job creation and saving’ reports seem to be more about engaging in statistical gymnastics intended to put a new coat of paint on a condemned building.  My main point of consternation is the jobs ’saved’ rhetoric.  How in the world can anyone put a figure on such an intangible?

For the government to say that money they poured into the building of freeway overpass somehow saved 12-15 jobs is absolutely nonsensical.  For them to credit the re-employment of an existing highway construction worker as the ‘creation’ of a new job is equally unsettling.

I am not an economist, nor do I play one on TV. I work in retail, on the front lines of the state of the economy in the real world, and this is what I see:

First the good news

More people are buying things.  This increase in customer traffic bodes well for the state of the economy.  In my store the customer traffic has increased by about 11% since July ‘09.  However, the news on this front isn’t all wine and roses.  My store is a discount retailer, so my increase in customer traffic is juxtaposed with a corresponding decrease in the shopping malls and department stores.  Long story short?  It isn’t that more people are buying but that the same people are buying where they can get more for their money.

Now the bad news

While my customer traffic has increased significantly, the amount of money spent on each shopping excursion remains relatively flat.  Simply put; more customers are shopping in my store but spending the same amount, or slightly less, than they used to.

This ‘good news/bad news’ paradigm tells me this about the state of the economy:

While many are frustrated with all the doom and gloom of the economic future, they still need things, so they will still buy things.  However, what they will do is buy those things where they can get them cheaper, and they will buy only the specific things they need and not shop for extra stuff.  Their money is used for needs, not wants.  Unfortunately, economic growth is anchored in the purchase of wants as much as needs.

Conversations with many of my customers also reveals some truth about the economic world:

Many are frustrated at the slowdown of their personal economic growth (non-existent cost of living pay raises and forced furloughs which further reduce their income). Many are uncertain of their chances of remaining employed in the future, and many are truly upset that they see no opportunity to move to other employment to improve their situation beyond their current state (simply being thankful they have a job no matter how much that job sucks or how insufficient the income).

I understand that the people who spent billions upon billions of taxpayer dollars to stimulate the economy feel a need to try to justify their actions and show some sort of improvement as a result of those actions, but really, are the American people considered to be so stupid as to believe the rubbish?  The stimulus was, and is, a good idea – something has to be done to jumpstart the country out of this horrific recession.  However, the way the money was (and is being) spent, is far from effective.

Put the money in the hands of the people who need it and who will do something with it to actually cause stimulus.  Help business survive and grow so they can hire, promote, and continue to employ.  The strength of our economy has been, and always will be, based on the strength of business, large and small, not the banks and massive corporations who hoard the money to make their bottom lines look good.  Not government construction jobs that last a few months or weeks, but in the Mom and Pop shops that produce and provide services, pay taxes, and hire a new delivery driver or cashier.

If you are going to spend money we don’t really have, then spend it on something that will actually produce results.

Sometimes, no matter how hard things are in our personal lives, we need to understand that others are going through times that are even more trying.

I’m not sure who said that exactly, but it’s a quote that has run through my mind since we found out Stephen had lost his job.

I could lament how difficult things are, how panicked I feel every moment of the day. How I sobbed while washing dishes by hand this afternoon – this is not how I imagined our Christmas to be. This is not how I imagined our lives to begin when we first decided to move here.

But.

Not all is lost, not all is broken. I have a son who brings me immeasurable joy, who’s very smile ignites my own. A son who is completely healthy, happy, and is probably the most easy-going baby I’ve ever encountered. This little person of mine is the reason I keep going, the reason I stop with the self-pitying and wipe the tears from my face.

And I have a husband, a husband who holds me wordlessly, each time I lose my shit all over the place. A husband who loves me when I don’t fold the laundry or put on makeup for well over a week. A husband who looks at me randomly throughout the day and says, “Have I told you that I love you yet today?” Even though he knows he has, several times.

I have friends who answer my call at 3 in the morning when I have an anxiety attack, friends who tell me it WILL be okay, I am strong and I WILL get through this, as I’ve conquered every challenge before. Friends who call me a few times throughout the day and tell me exactly what I need to hear.

I have the best family in the world. Biological, adopted, step, in-laws…they are all there to support me, albeit far away. The family I cried and cried and cried over leaving when we packed up our little car to move out west. The family that was there through every hospitalization during my pregnancy, who serviced our home’s furnace and dumped gallons of fuel in our tank so we wouldn’t freeze last winter as our monthly heating bill climbed to $600.

And I have all of you. I can’t even begin to tell you how incredible you all are. Tonight as I sat on the couch with Stephen, I told him that the Internet was hands-down the most amazing thing ever, even more amazing than BACON. YOU all are amazing. Between the @ replies, the direct messages, Facebook wall posts or emails, it has meant so, so much. I cried from your words, your jokes and all the love you’ve poured into my little family.

We’ve lost our income with Stephen’s job, yes, but that income can’t buy, as cliched as it is, all that love. And I am thankful, SO thankful, more thankful than I’ve been in quite some time, to have been surrounded with such loving, compassionate people.

Two years ago, I was in a horrible relationship and the distance to my family was measured in tension, not miles. I didn’t know a single person from the Internet, in real life or even through email. I was working 70 hours a week and could afford some of the finer, materialistic things in life but I was empty, unhappy.

So while things are tough and I might cry to the Internet too frequently, I am not alone. There are people in this world more deserving of all your thoughts and prayers and I feel so blessed to have yours. Thank you.

Today is my birthday.  Happy birthday to me.

I can’t wait to brush my teeth and get the taste of this $30 cake out of my mouth.  What a waste of money.  I’d've been perfectly happy with a Betty Crocker cake mix and icing.  Instead I get a cake from some uppity bakery:  white almond layer cake with raspberry filling covered in chocolate icing.  What I asked for was chocolate cake with chocolate icing.  Simple.  But oh no.  A box cake?  Really?  Why when we can have a cake from an overpriced bakery.  Who is she trying to impress?  The kids?  Get real.

I can’t wait to go to bed so I can wake up tomorrow with today behind me.

Haven’t been here for six months.  Not much has changed other than we’re now living with my sister and brother-in-law.  At the end of August I had the overwhelming feeling that it was time to leave – that I needed to go home.  Home is here now.  Temporarily.  For the foreseeable future.

What was supposed to be a short time is, most likely, going to turn out to be a year or more.  Oh joy.  The trucking business has pretty much stalled.  We’re lucky if J gets one load a week.  Just enough to cover the insurance and truck payment.  Nothing is left for us to live on.  When I think about what would have happened to us if we were still in our house, I’m blown away.  The mortgage was the first casualty.  Utilities and auto insurance would’ve been next.  The final straw would’ve been the groceries.

Unfortunately, we are like many others in that we truly are living hand-to-mouth.  We have no nest egg.  No savings account.  No net to catch us.  We wanted to start a savings account – many times.  There was always something urgent that had to be paid.  We were constantly playing “catch up.”

Now look where we are.  My sister and brother-in-law have graciously opened there home to us.  I hate it.

J is one of those people that remembers every courtesy extended to us.  Even if it’s given freely with no expectation of payback.  I owe you.  In this case, we moved in here with the understanding that we are to pay $700 a month in rent.  It’s really a ridiculous sum of money.  I was astounded when they came up with that amount.  Technically, we could be renting an apartment/townhouse or even a free-standing home for that amount.  In reality, we’re paying that for 2 bedrooms and a bathroom, sharing the rest of the house.  We’re stuck because we don’t have any money to pay rent, utilities or groceries.  What a mess.

So we’ve been here for 6 months.  It’s driving me absolutely crazy.  “The kids are too loud.  The kids don’t clean up after themselves.  The kids don’t show me the respect I deserve.  No running or jumping in the house.  I have precious, breakable things that I don’t want ruined.  The kids don’t help out around the house.”  On and on and on and on.

My family has gone from living in a 3-bedroom slab home (no basement) with a garage, to 2 bedrooms, half of a basement, some garage space and a storage unit.  If you walked in the front door and looked around, you wouldn’t find any evidence of us.  My daughter and I share a bedroom.  I’m in a twin bed and she’s in a crib with one side off.  My boys are sharing a room.

My husband has been on the road for 3 months.  Partly to try and make money for us to live, and partly because he can’t stand the living situation either.  We have absolutely no privacy.  If I want to have a private conversation with him on the cell phone, I have to go outside and sit in our vehicle.

There’s a power struggle between me and my sister in regards to the rearing of my children.  I am there mother.  Have been for 11 years.  Everything didn’t fall out of my head when we moved in here making it necessary for her to step in.  Good grief.

Something’s gotta give.  Things have to turn around.

Its a really cold Thursday morning. I am seated at my desk in the office, tears are welling up my eyes, my head is spinning, am getting feverish and the words that are running through my mind are: “I could never imagine Shazia in my bed. That girl is too much drama.” What am I on about, you would wonder?

I have been feeling a disconnect from A. Well I think now I can say his name out loud because from the looks of things its all over and has come crumbling down on my face. I have not been feeling Andrius much especially this week. And as I am made to understand is that all that has been happening has climaxed this week. Let me not go round in cirlces . Fact is: Andrius slept with Shazia. Shazia is the girl I had spoken about in my entry Cat fights. He has not only slept with her once in  a drunken stupor(where it all begun) but she is now a permanent fixture in his room in Karachi. Even my friends living in that apartment have betrayed me. They could not tell me what was going on and I had to find out from someone living on the outside because Shazia has already announced to him how she has “asserted her territory” to use the exact words!!!!!!!

Promises have been shattered. He told me to my face that he would never sleep with her as she is just too much drama and gossip for him. Well I think that is what he is most attracted to in girls since I do not think I was any different from that. Well before I left I asked from a commitment from him and his words were: “i find it limiting to say that I am going out with someone. We can just remain friends as we know it.” This statement makes so much sense right now, he did not want to make a relationship commitment to me and I was a fool not to notice it.

What is wrong with me? Why can I never be in a normal relationship with a guy? Why do people always toy with my heart and then choose the worst ways to put me by the wayside? What did I ever do to deserve such terrible dirty treatment. Why was I even thinking that I would make Andrius and myself work? Why am I so stupid? Andrius what did I do to you? Are you remorseful in anyway? Were you just using me?

There is a time I felt you pushing me away and that is the day I made the entry Cheap and dirty. If that day you made me feel cheap and dirty, today you have made me feel like the scum of the earth. The deepest sewer there ever is. Why do I always have to get myself emotionally involved? Why do I let this keep happening to me everytime i get involved with a man? Why do I even bother? I fell in love with you and I always held my toungue everytime I thought it would slip out of my mouth because I did not want to scare you away. I demanded a commitment at one point but I guess you had already become bored of me and you could not wait to get rid of me so that you jump inot bed with the next bitch person that threw herself at you.

I say throw herself because even when I was there it was like i was in competition with her to get your attention. Despite knowing all the things that she did, including picking fights and confrontations with the other housemate (Shermi) just for your sake. you still went ahead and betrayed me with the one person you knwe that i would have a problem with. Why could you just not pick Shermi? I had learnt to live with the fact that the two of you would end up together. I had even put a bet on how soon you and Shermi would get together. Never in a million years would i have imagined that in less than one month you would be knocking boots with Shazaia of all people!!!

I am now done with men! As much as I am hurting now, I remember I made a promise to myself never to fight for a man. Since there are so many unanswered questions I just had to ask, I prefer to write them here on this blog and move on with my life. I CANNOT believe I held onto myself and stopped myself from even thinking of seeing anyone here in Kenya in the hope that one day I would be reunited with my Andrius. (well not MINE anymore). I cannot believe Shazia has won. I lick my wounds and retreat to my cave, I will survive but once I hate you there is nothing you will convince me to make me go back on my word. Last chance, redeem yourself, all I want is clarification and i will not try to win you back, I am beyond that now.

Women sometimes we go beyond stupidity. I came back to Kenya, got a job with a firm that will be dealing directly with WAVETEC to increase my chances of being with Andrius in the future even if its over a business meeting. Then this goes and happens! I had pegged a future with this character and he crashed my dreams. I think if I go on here i will be rambling. Knowing that even aftr sleeping with the enemy he still had the audacity to continue with our weekly mailing. That I believe is tantamount to cheating on Shazia with me and I will not be put into these viscious love triangles. I have refused totally!!! You better make your stand clear! Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.

So, I went to the Veterans Affairs Hospital today for the first time in my life to both get enrolled into the system and to see about an old injury (yes that is my HMO, another post about health reform coming soon).  Funny enough the first person I bumped into was a professional football team’s cheerleader.  She was there at the hospital doing her caring part by spreading the holiday cheer to all the vets.  Not knowing any better,  I asked her for the directions to the administration’s office.  The thing is, I couldn’t help but notice that her attitude and demeanor change from treating me like I was some young lad hanging out at the VA for the day watching over my dad to “holy shit we have veterans this young” or “eeww why is he at a VA?  I guess he can’t afford real health insurance.”  It kinda pissed me off, and made me feel like I was some second class citizen.  A citizen that for some reason I had to be treated different.  Sure I wasn’t some million dollar football star, or some three figure professional photographer that could snap a shot of her and make her famous.  I wasn’t even in the same class as some slick greased hair back sports agent or big time exec.  Nope, I’m just a regular dude that’s entitled to free health care for the next five years since my time of discharge.  I can afford real health insurance (and after the day I had at the VA, I just might get some) but I’ve chosen not too.

So I continued to stroll down these long maze like hallways.  Most of the workers I saw were young, healthy, good-looking people that for no reason at all would not look one in the eye.  I wondered why?  Maybe the eye thing is just a downtown urbanite thing that I’m not used to.  I’ve noticed to stop and look someone in the eye and say hello in New York is enough to get mace sprayed in the face.  Anyways where was I?  Oh yeah and of course walking down these hallways, I saw all the various war veterans who were assigned to the hospital.  Most I noticed were from the Korea and Vietnam War era.  A few from Desert Storm, and a couple here and there from my era.  It’s funny, if you know what to look for you can spot the differences  between each generation of vet.  Korean War vets usually dress old dude casual.  Almost like a golfer from the early eighties.  A lot of shorts and tube socks while sportin low top vans.  Kinda what Mister Rogers dressed like, minus the Cardigan.  While the Vietnam Vets are usually all sporting tattoos, Harley Davidson shirts, black boots, and jeans, while wearing goatees and beards.  A lot of pony tails and longer hair.  Almost every one of them carried a knife or leatherman tool.  You can usually spot the Desert  Storm guys because they’re the youngest of the old.  Usually around their mid to late forties.  They’re the funniest ones though because they got to experience the military when the old ways started changing into a newer more politically correct time.  They’re usually seen enjoying the fun of reciting event by event the shenanigans they all got to pull off before the military changed its reputation to the choir boy act.  The “sharp but naive shoulders” work here motto!  (Using best Gomer Pile voice—”What’s a hooker Sarge?”)  And finally there’s us.  The Afghan and Iraq War vets.  The newbies.  We’re the ones that are listening to our IPODs while waiting in line, or possibly reading a college mathematics book while waiting for our number to be called.  Were the one’s that instead of a walker or cane, our guy’s have got the aluminum prosthetic legs or arms from all the road side bombs over there.  I say guys but I mean that in a collective way, cause I am not for a minute forgetting about the women vets out there or the ones that I saw at the hospital today.

It’s funny while I could hardly get any worker to look me in the eye today, every vet that I passed did.  Minding my business, a bunch had striked up conversations with me.  I even watched for one’s number to be called while he and his buddy went out side to grab an ice mocha frappochino from the Starbucks stand (I’ll tell you there’s nothing funnier than seeing two badass biker dudes drinking such a drink).  The conversations were everything from the war, to Obama’s address to the nation last night, to Britney Spears and Lindsey Lohan.

"Hey dude, can I get a shot of Jack with that Carmel Mochiado?"

It’s funny cause as normal and abnormal as some of these guys were, I couldn’t help but feel that most of these fellas have drifted into a void in America that has long been forgotten.  Now I love my country so I’m not going to go on a rant about this great nation but I couldn’t help but feel a familiar feeling that I had felt six years ago.  I was stationed in the south finishing my paramedic certification by doing ride alongs with the local EMS.  Those weeks we spent most of the time shuttling around the poor, the despaired, and the forgotten (mind you in this country poor and forgotten pretty much go hand and hand).  Our daily routine was to pick up a certain old lady from her “retirement” home and to take her to the hospital for her dialysis.  Every time I went to that old folks home, I couldn’t help and notice the understaffed nurses, the horrible smell of unwashed and unchanged people and sheets.  It smelled like people dying in there, not necessarily death mind you because there is a difference.  Now I am DEFINITELY not saying that is what it was like today at the VA but I couldn’t help but I couldn’t help by thinking about these workers I saw remembering that it was hard for me to look a lot of those folks directly in the eyes back then too.  We got in and we got out.  I think that was mostly because deep down inside I was ashamed that this was how we treated our elderly in our society.  That families were actually leaving their parents to die ignored, alone, and forgotten.

Which brings us back to why the look the other way?  I believe it’s the same reason people steer clear of a homeless man on the street, or why during times of economic crisis and a losing war we care more about Tiger Woods and his marital problems than what the President said last night during his speech (for all you that didn’t know we’re surging 30,000 troops to Afghanistan).

It’s a need to look the other way.  A distraction from what’s right in front of you.  To coin the fictional character Don Draper from Mad Men when he gives the secret to advertising, “it’s an escape!  An escape from our daily lives.  It’s a way of telling ourselves that no matter what your doing……..it’s O.K.  ………. You are going to be O.K.”

It’s either that or maybe I’m just really paranoid from all the PTSD!

Vagrant

****DISCLAIMER—-Note while I mention the Korean through the Afghan and Iraq war, I do not discount nor have forgotten World War II Veterans nor Veteran’s of conflicts such as Grenada, Panama, Kosovo, USS Cole, Kobar Towers, Somalia, or any foreign skirmishes where our nation’s troops were engaged in ground, naval, or aerial combat classified or unclassified.—–DISCLAIMER****

Still waiting on that free Health Care

So it’s time for the holidays again, people are going out and cramming more and more crap on their credit cards and under their trees. Some people already have everything done. The last few years we have been using this time to get our kids the things they need, like clothes for the winter and one or two fun things each! This year, we haven’t been able to afford most essentials. Examples of what I mean when I say essentials: Our three year old (almost four) has been sleeping in a play-pen, because we have not been able to afford another bed to accommodate our three children. My oldest son’s glasses broke and we can’t afford new one’s. They have been super-glued about 10 times. Our youngest wears pajama pants twice his size. We still haven’t been able to get health coverage for our kids… etc, etc…

One bible verse that comes to me relating to needs is found in Mathew 6:

²⁵“Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? ²⁶Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? ²⁷Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life^[a]?

²⁸“And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. ²⁹Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. ³⁰If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? ³¹So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ ³²For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. ³³But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. ³⁴Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

So my big questions are; how do you truly seek first? How do you build faith when the non-selfish needs aren’t met when prayed for? How do you pursue the word of God and all of His promises when you are completely drained and exhausted from living (or not living)? I once thought that I was “good” Christian. It’s a sad day when you realize that everything you thought you were in Christ… you really aren’t! I think that many people fall for the trap, that elated human emotion is really the Holy Spirit moving and directing… then you wake up one day and find yourself like me; frustrated and wondering why prayers aren’t answered?

“Honey, do we know anybody named ‘Salahi’?”