It’s been a while since I wrote anything here, since here I was a place I’ve wanted to write actually.

That line sounded better when I was waking up from my nap and I thought I must write now.

So here’s a quick update. No kissing, no making out, still no desire to do any of that touchy feely stuff. I’m actually quite good with it now. I’ve come to most terms with all that’s happened in my life in the last 9 months, and while I’m sure I’ll still have my freak out moments, I’m also at peace with the love I loved hardest, even if he was no where near the love I loved longest. I’m at peace with where I am, and where he is.

THIS IS BIG. HUGE.

And I’ve done a lot of masturbating. God bless my vibe, a vibrator that I’m going to review on this site in the not too distant future. At least three times a day, some days five, I masturbate. And I joined a gym, so I can watch my toning body in the mirror that is my dresser as I get off.

That’s where I’m at. This morning I came once. This afternoon twice. And I napped. Which was needed, but feels weird when you go to sleep and it’s sunny and you wake up and it’s dark.

Laura Benanti and Michael Cerveris in In the Next Room or the Vibrator Play. Photo: Max Vadukul

John Lahr, son of Bert Lahr (the Cowardly Lion and farmworker Zeke in The Wizard of Oz) and theater critic of The New Yorker, reviews a new play in this week’s issue:

In our pornographic age, it’s hard to imagine that there was a time when people were better acquainted with the continent of Africa than with their own bodies. Sarah Ruhl’s In the Next Room or the Vibrator Play (superbly directed by Les Waters, at the Lyceum) takes us back to the corseted, alabaster eighteen-eighties, in the early days of electricity, when the vibrator was used by physicians to enhance a form of genital massage, which had been practiced for centuries as a treatment for hysteria. The procedure was thought to provide a workout for the neglected womb; it resulted in a heavy-breathing rictus, sometimes accompanied by discharge, which led to a release of tension. (Back then, “the big O” was called a “hysterical paroxysm.”)

The Dr. O in this case, Givings, well-named enough (Michael Cerveris), the play’s male lead charged, as it were, with such electro-therapeutic rounds, is rather less attentive to the needs of his patient, so to speak, wife Catherine, whose own frustrations from his uncomprehending neglect seek relief close at bedside hand:

Denied her husband’s medical expertise, Catherine, with the help of [rejuvenated patient] Mrs. Daldry, who has become an aficionado of the vibrator, breaks into his locked office; the two women take matters into their own hands, so to speak. “In this day and age, all one has to know how to do is press a button or pull a switch. I’ll hold it for you,” Catherine says, amazed that the vibrator “looks like a farming tool.” Together, they embark on the appliance of science. “They look heavenwards,” the stage directions read at the end of Act I. “The steady hum of the vibrator. Transcendent music. A curtain falls.”

…At one crucial point, Dr. Givings relents and gives his wife a proper treatment. “No, kiss me now. Kiss me and hold the instrument there, just there at the same time,” she says, embracing him passionately. “This is what I feared,” Dr. Givings says, bridling. “In a sick woman, the device restores balance, but in a healthy woman it makes you excitable and perhaps even causes some perverse kind of onanism.”

Singurul tău rol bun de jucat e cel de vibrator. Cît timp te poţi afla la îndemîna celorlalţi, cu bateriile mereu încărcate şi în deplinătatea facultăţilor funcţionale, pregătit mecanic în a-i satisface, fără ca ei să nu trebuiască să depună vreun efort, eşti perfect util. Eşti dorit, apreciat şi poate chiar îndrăgit pentru rolul tău de obiect folositor. De vreodată ţi se termină bateriile, îţi pierzi rapid locul din sertarul de lîngă noptiera celui care te utilizează  în momente de criză. Acela căruia i-ai fost prea aproape  în clipele de plictis, de disperare, de nevoie stringentă, nu se va obosi nici măcar să îţi schimbe sau să îţi încarce acumulatorii cînd, apăsînd pe buton la un moment dat, nu va mai primi stimulul dorit. Te va arunca plin de furie în cel mai obscur colţ al camerei sale şi te va uita printre alte lucruri nefolositoare. După debarasarea spontană, stăpînul tău de drept te va înlocui mai rapid decît te-ai fi aşteptat, fără a-ţi păstra măcar amintirea sau recunoştinţa vreunei clipe în care l-ai făcut să exulte. Atunci îţi vei da seama că să fii şi să însemni nimic nu rezidă în a fi folosit drept obiect, ci în a nu fi folosit deloc.

Nimicnicia este de fapt starea în care eşti declarat inutil. Starea în care potenţialul tău de-a funcţiona se iroseşte prin fixarea ruginii între elementele mecanismului de-a fi. Cînd din obiectul preferat devii obiectul stricat pe care nimeni nu are dispoziţia să-l repare. Nimicnicia este starea obiectului de serie, care nu va fi niciodată unicat, niciodată special, niciodată de neînlocuit.

Ca om, eşti un nimeni atunci cînd în starea ta de rău de la un moment dat eşti abandonat de cei la îndemîna cărora te-ai aflat întotdeauna. Eşti un nimic cînd nimeni nu e dispus să te mai facă să vibrezi pentru el.

Okay, I have to admit that I have had a pretty tame sex life. Kink with my husband is rolling ‘love dice’. Exciting, I know. It was a huge deal when I bought a vibrator and he watched me pleasure myself with it. Most of the “tricks” I’ve learned have been from my affairs and then I come home and go “oh hey, I heard about this position, let’s try it”.

Anal has never been anything I’ve ever wanted to try. Sure, I like my anus played with and I’ll finger a lovers, but to have a cock shoved up it, I don’t know? But, almost every reply I have gotten from Craig’s List asks if I do anal? Am I really missing something? Is it that good? One of the guys from CL wants to use a double strap on with me. This intimidates me. I don’t want to be a prude…I’m not! But some of these things are a little overwhelming. Any suggestions or advice? What are some other things  I should be exploring?

si uite cum mi-am luat eu inima in dinti (la figurat.. nu sunt chiar atat de infometata) si am zis sa mai trec si pe aci.. nu de alta, dar mi-a povestit a mea prea-minunata sora despre testele pe care le-a sustinut si evident ca mi-am adus aminte de gingasa mea profa de fizica din clasa a 9a. era cam plapanda tantica si cam cu volumu pe minus, drept urmare cam o frecam eu la ora ei sau dormeam pe mine. si a venit si testul (unul dintre ele.. singurul pe care mi-l aduc aminte). erau doar doo subiecte de dezbatut: o problema si un punct de teorie.. la probleme intotdeauna m-am descurcat, pt ca nu e greu sa calculezi niste chestii.. iar teoria suna ceva de genu ” ce stiti despre… am-uitat-ce-anume-era-la-punctul-asta  ? “.  am facut problema, iar la celalalt am scris ca nu stiu nimic.. sincera, de cand ma stiu. vine si profa intr-o zi cu lucrarile si mare imi fu mirarea cand mi-am auzit si comentata lucrarea.. pt originalitate, mi-a oferit un punct in plus. pt “nimic” eu am luat nota 8 . who rulz? huh?

in afara de treaba asta cu adusu-aminte din liceu, pot spune si ca m-am mutat.. la 2 alei departare ). e frumos pe aci, catelusi multi ca si in partea cealalta, verdeata aici nu prea a ajuns dar din nefericire nu ni s-a oferit posibilitatea sa luam si gazonul din fata blocului la pachet.. ne multumim cu copaci.

iar in alta ordine de idei, eu fiind copilu cu idei multe si nefolositoare.. a trebuit sa mai cumpar un cadou lately. drept urmare am luat magheru la rand cu toate sex shopurile sale. si sunt multe.. eu stiu ca femeile sunt maniace, disperate, au fixatii cand vine vorba de haine.. si isi doresc toate o “camera de haine” pliiiina cu toate kkturile, maruntisurile, posetutele, perechile de pantofi posibile ever.. da totusi, sa dai peste o camera pliiiiina de vibratoare, dildo-uri, margelute, butt-pluguri si alte kkturi, pt toate gusturile si intrebuintarile chiar mi s-a parut.. dubios (nu o sa zic “interesant” chiar daca sunt femeie ) ).am ramas perplexa cand mi-am invartati capu la 180 de grade si am vazut numa falusuri si falusici. se vede ca nu am iesit in  lume, nu? trebuia sa ma prefac ca vreau un vibrator.. sunt curioasa daca ar fi sarit vanzatoarele ca la un magazin normal, sa imi ofere alternative, sa ma intrebe “va pot fi de folos”, sa cer sfaturi .. damn, poate chiar o sa ma deplasez in scopuri pur de cercetare.. si nu de achizitionari “masive”. aaand i know where to start from )

vibrating ruby thong

Hands-free, 3 function, quiet, pulsating and vibrating remote control panty. Push button activation for total freedom of movement with powerful 15-20 foot range. Micro batteries included.

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GIGI…is a dedicated pleasure object for the discerning G-spot connoisseur. Carefully sculpted to unlock the secrets of this mysterious and special place, her dramatic shape breathes an air of investigative purpose. Five pre-programmed pleasure modes and a virtually silent vibrator engine deliver deep and vibrant sensations with spot-on precision. As an expert in her particular field, GIGI will happily assist in revealing the thrills of the elusive G, anytime, anywhere. GIGI is rechargeable and a 1-hour charge will

GIGI Deep Rose

provide up to 1.5 hours of bliss. Comes presented in an elegant gift box, accessorised with charger, manual, satin pouch and a 1-year LELO warranty. Total length is 6.5 inches with an insertable length of 4.5 inches.

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Review

Warning: This topic may be a bit too racy for my conservative readers, but should you bear with me, you might just experience a necessary awakening.

A few weeks ago, I had the pleasure of seeing In The Next Room (or the vibrator play) on Broadway with my girlfriend Alessandra Hirsch.  The best introduction as to the content of this play is to simply re-tell a true story told by one of the fictional characters:

When the English art critic John Ruskin married Miss Effie Gray in 1849, they spent their honeymoon in the Scottish Highlands.  Both were young, healthy, and attractive people, but never, on their honeymoon or in the six subsequent years of their marriage, did they succeed in having sex.  After great bitterness, their marriage was annulled by an ecclesiastical court on the grounds of non-consummation.  In a deposition made to his lawyer, Ruskin testified in his own defense that on their wedding night, when he saw his wife naked, he was horrified.  He had seen many representations of naked women in classical sculpture, and none of them had pubic hair.  He thought this was a deformity of his wife’s part and was thoroughly disgusted by her body.

The Source of Happiness by Phyllis Rose

Sure, we can look back at this story and snobbishly lift our chins, proudly gawking at how far we have progressed as a society of human beings.  The Victorian way of life believed that absolute innocence was the purest, most respectable way of living life.  To them, ignorance was truly bliss.  Their unawareness led to sexless marriages, thus unhappy husbands and wives, and countless divorces on grounds such as the aforementioned.  Could anything positive possibly stem from this torturous life style?  OH WAIT I KNOW: VIBRATORS!  (And Sarah Ruhl’s amazing play, of course!)

Did you know that vibrators were the first in-home electrical appliance?  Even before hairdryers or electric griddles, women were buzzin’ their way to ecstasy.  Doctors would use in-office vibrators on women suffering hysteria.  They began treating women using a nice “genital massage since the fifth century B.C., and, quite frankly, they were tired of it – too time-consuming, fatiguing, and difficult to learn” (Sex & Serendipity by Rachel Maines).  Before Freud, hysteria was an unknown illness caused by “the revolt of the uterus against neglect”, thus the vigorous massage to release the anxiety.  “The idea was to produce a crisis of the disease, like the breaking of a fever, which, in the case of hysteria, was called the hysterical paroxysm.  This condition was characterized by heavy breathing, contractions, and discharge of moisture” (Maines).

In other words, an orgasm.

Yes, we have come far in our quest for sexual liberation, but I believe our discoveries have only begun.  If I should mention the word sex around any adult in New Castle, PA, most (with the exception of a few) will blush and quickly change the subject.  In my experiences, I have learned that many people are afraid of its power and stricken with some form of religious guilt.  Whatever the case may be, there are still women (and men) feeling shameful for desiring something completely natural and totally human.

Take me, for instance.  I lost my virginity in a Chevy S10 in some alley behind a deserted house, or shed, I don’t remember.  What I do remember is having sex because that person wanted me to, not necessarily because it was something I desired.  I felt pressured, and immensely guilty.  Because I was so tense, it was impossible for me to indulge even the slightest bit.  Plus, with all the PG-13/R movies I had seen with sex scenes (namely the Reese Witherspoon and Ryan Phillippe scene in  Cruel Intentions), I had this false idea of what it was supposed to be like, how I was to perform, how I was to sound, etc, etc.  I felt as if I was watching myself have sex, where my body was just rolling with the punches.  So fornication was never a result of passion that organically spawned from me, but served merely as an act of generous guilt.  Not a guilty pleasure even.  Just simple, straight-forward shame.

Not to mention the LACK of orgasms I was experiencing during my earlier sexual encounters.  Oh, God.  And somehow, I convinced myself that this was okay. Ladies, it’s not okay. Yes, we are more difficult to decipher, but our ability to climax is necessary to our health.  It’s a positive thing.  And let’s face it: it’s awesome!

I am writing today to express my love of the female body and all of its complications, its quirks, and its secrets.  Time warp alert: GIRL POWER!  Abstinence is a nice thing if you choose it for yourself, but if someone else chooses it for you against your will, then you are only fighting against your own nature.  Your body is gorgeous, your heart is beautiful, and you are allowed to express the amazing-ness that is you in any way you desire.  In the play, the two main women played with the vibrator on each other (clothes on, of course) – it was a fun game, and they bonded over the different experiences each one had during her own orgasm.  They listened to their bodies demands, and followed suit, no questions asked.  This is not barbaric, slutty behavior: this is instictual, powerful, and beautiful.

Funny little fact: most women experience their first orgasm by themselves.

Another funny little fact: women who masturbate are more likely to be open and comfortable in a first-time sexual encounter than women who are clueless as to how their own bodies function.

Just like DNA, every woman is unique.  You should name your flower, and know every detail down to the tip of the stem.

Happy Hump-Day!  Let’s make every day hump day!

Stay Blessed,

Bry

Close 2 you
The language of passion.The term “music“ comes from Greek and means the art of sound.

It is the art of joining sound vibrations together to audible works. It is the sonorous expression of emotions and thoughts and it creates emotional moods; joy, relaxation, feelings of security and melancholy.

Individual reactions – personal fluctuating mood levels – are the result of “vibrations being carried via acoustic air waves to the ear which then absorbs the waves, making them perceptible”** which in turn allows then to touch the soul.

Evidently closer.With Close2you, you come noticeably closer to taking the gentle path of purposeful stimulation.

Enjoy expressive love toys with minimal, discrete design and first class quality and function, and take them with you on your journey of exploring pleasure.

The expressed aim of our products is intimate togetherness in a harmonious atmosphere- whether you are by yourself, with your new “friend” and his good-sounding name or whether you include your partner in the exciting game –the Close2you compositions convey enjoyment with every act overflowing with ambience, and they are simply and Evidently closer.

MUSIC: The perfect type of art – She never reveals her last secret

large chrome vibrator

Product Description

The Perfect Touch Mega-Bullets are manufactured with a 15% larger motor that spins a bit slower than your typical bullet motor, but it also swings a MUCH larger counter-weight, which provides an EXTREMELY powerful sensation. The Mega-Bullet is intended for someone wanting more of everything, and we’ve got it for them! Features of the Synergy Erotic Perfect Touch Excite-Her Bullet series: * 100% Water Proof (Bullet only) * Infinitely Adjustable Speeds * 3 “AA” Batteries (not included)

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Step 1: Choose an outfit from sexy lingerie to sexy dress up costumes

Choose an outfit. It can be anything from a conservative business suit to a sexy French maid costume — the important thing is that each article can be removed with a minimum of fuss.

Step 2: Snag stilettos

Pick shoes that will make the most of your legs, meaning something with a high, skinny heel — the higher and skinnier the better.

Step 3: Put on stockings

Put on some silky stockings with garters. Go with classic fishnets, or get a pair with a racy seam up the back.

Step 4: Set the music

Get your music ready so you don’t run out of tunes in the middle of your performance. Make a sultry mix or playlist, so you know what’s coming up.

Step 5: Set the mood

Use a light dimmer and/or candles to create flattering lighting, and put a straight-backed chair in the middle of the room.

Step 6: Walk the walk

Begin your striptease by striding into the room like a professional catwalker, one foot directly in front of the other, shoulders back, head raised high.

Step 7: Begin to strip

Turn your back on your man and slide your jacket or top off your shoulders. Turn back around and toss it aside.

Step 8: Tease

Put your hands behind your head and gyrate a bit before moving on to the skirt. Turn your back to him, grab the sides of your skirt, lean slightly forward, and slowly tug your skirt down as you wiggle your hips. When the skirt reaches the floor, kick it aside.

Step 9: Lose the garters

Move around some more, running your hands along your body, before kicking off a shoe and throwing that leg on top of the chair. Undo the garter and slowly begin to unfold the stocking until it’s off. Repeat with the other stocking, then step back into stilettos.

Step 10: Take off the bra

Push your bra straps off your shoulder, unhook your bra, slip it off, and fling it at him. Then languidly caress your breasts.

Step 11: Slip off panties

Time for the finale! Turn your back on him, slip your hands, palms down, into the sides of your panties, bend forward, and slowly push them down, keeping your legs as straight as you can. When they reach your ankles, step out of them.

Step 12: Prepare

Prepare to be ravaged by your very turned-on lover!

Prostitution is legal in Iceland, but strip shows are against their laws.

Source for further reading:

Howcast How To Perform a Striptease Nov. 24, 2009

Taylor, Llyn Madame Rouge Australia Nov. 24, 2009

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Nea…the modest sister of LILY, is a slight and ornate pleasure object with a porcelain-like finish and deceptively powerful purr. Decorating the glossy exterior, pleasing to the eye as well as to the touch, are delicate floral motifs reminiscent of the Belle Époque. Ergonomically designed to accommodate all those special places, NEA is handy, rechargeable and exceedingly quiet. Comes included with gift box, charger, manual and a 1-year LELO warranty. Materials: ABS Size: 75 x 36 x 25 mm User time: up to 7 hours Interface: variable interface, 5 modes

Review

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hitachi magic wand

For over 30 years, the Hitachi Magic Wand has set the standard for personal hand-held massagers. The soft spherical head gives a soothing massage, operated by a two speed switch located on the Wand’s slender handle. Unlike cordless style massagers, the Magic Wand’s strong electric motor is powered using a standard cord/plug, providing a constant power source for those extended massage sessions. Operation lasts about 25 mins with 5,000 vibrations per min. on low and 6,000 vibrations per min. on high. 20 Watts

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Reviews:

Who knew? Doctors getting women off, manually… the vibrator as one of the first electric appliances to grace a woman’s home?

The September issue of Scientific American featured articles on origins.. one of those  articles is about the origin of the vibrator. Unfortunately there is no web link, unless you’re a special Scientific American subscriber.

Following is most of the article;

“Derived from the Greek word for “uterus”, hysteria occurred in women with pent-up sexual energy-or so healers and early physicians believed. Nuns, widows and spinsters were particularly susceptible, but by the Victorian era many married women had fallen prey as well… The prescription of clitoral orgasm as a treatment for hysteria dates to medical texts from the first century A.D.  Hysterical women typically turned to doctors, who cured them with their hands by inducing a “paroxysm”- a term that hides what we now knows as a sexual climax. But manual stimulation was time-consuming and… often passed the job off to midwives.

The invention of electricity made the task easier. Joseph Mortimer Granville patented an electromechanical vibrator in the early 1880s to relieve muscle aches, and doctors soon realized it might be used on other parts of the body. …. by the turn of the century needlework catalogues (note: I used to own a needlework retail shop, alas we did not sell vibrators) advertised models for women who wanted to try the treatment at home, making the vibrator the fifth electrical appliance to arrive in the home-after the sewing machine, the fan, the teakettle and the toaster.

The vibrator’s legitimacy as a medical device declined after the 1920s, when Sigmund Freud correctly identified paroxysm as sexual. In 1952 the American Psychiatric Association dropped hysteria from its list of recognized conditions.

When the vibrator was again popularized years later, women no longer needed the pretense of illness to justify a purchase.” Thank heavens for that!

Mr. Granville, my clit thanks you.

bsoft massager

The Bsoft Massager is sensual and sweet. the delicate touch of this 7-speed rechargeable massager is all it takes Length 6in (15 cm) Girth 1.5in (4 cm) b swish brings out the softer side with this rounded, massager. designed to the shape of your body, the bsoft massager will titillate your most sensitive spots. be pleasantly surprised.

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Review:

That’s funny…I could have sworn I left my vibrator under my socks

It’s been a slow week for me. No clients since D. Just a few not very promising prospects. One who wants to see me Friday afternoon, but I am still waiting to hear back on that. Another wanted to have a whole night with me but thought the price was too steep (but I mean, come on, £600 for a full night is not a lot!) so I told him the price for just four hours in hope he’ll either A.) Book that amount or B.) Realize its a better deal to just get a whole night.

Now, there is the issue of a new guy, E. He wants a full out porn star experience (or a PSE). With Double Anal and Vag. I think I can handle the double vag (although Im a bit scared Ill never go back to regular size again!)  and the Double Anal….can we say ‘ouch!’? First he wants to try it out with just the two of us and a vibrator. So I may be meeting him tomorrow and see how this all goes, and if it goes well, he is going to book a very expensive night for a full PSE, including well…you’ve seen porn before, I’m sure! Any double anything going on though costs an additional £100 to the fee we already agreed on. I hope he does meet tomorrow and that he books the full night cause then I’ll have more than enough for my visa and to get a place of my own for a bit so I can scratch off that squatter bit for a while. Anyway, this isn’t the issue per se. The real problem is that the boundries between escort and client are being crossed. Meaning we are talking on msn and skype…mostly about sex and planning things out, but other things as well. I told him that I didn’t know how I felt about this because I know its breaking a rule, but I do enjoy talking to him. Not in a way that I’d ever get attached, but it’s just fun. He asked me if we could talk socially outside of our sessions (of which, he says he wants many because he fancies me). Apparently, I am the only escort he has ever met with whom he could actually have and want to have a conversation with. Who can speak proper English, and who has a personality. Where is he getting his escorts?! And how is someone a year younger than I am able to afford all of this?! He says he worked as a banker before going to uni, but still…..Perhaps I will investigate further.

Satisfaction Guaranteed

How many people actually purchased the Vibra-Finger for oral hygiene?  If I found one in a bathroom cabinet I don’t think I’d be putting it in my mouth. 

The manufacturers of the Vibra-Finger boast that the ‘novel design allows localized massage in needed areas!’ – mind you, I’m sure that it wouldn’t be the first time someone has used an electric oral hygiene product to achieve ‘guaranteed satisfaction’.

Mike and I thought it would make a good inaugural blog post to discuss my first experience with a life-like/realistic penis vibrator/dildo that I recently purchased. It was something that the two of us ended up discussing as being pleasurable not just for me (we are currently engaged in a long-distance relationship) but could perhaps become part of our conscientious and burgeoning sex-toy sex-life when we start living together (in about three weeks!) For the moment however, vibrator pleasure is all mine, and I have to admit I was looking forward to experiencing it on my own first, before Mike gets involved. I was a little worried about whether or not I would “perform” well with a toy—you know, look sexy and all, so I wanted to practice. I definitely thought I needed to first practice with the toy myself, get comfortable with it, and then be able to “wow” myself and Mike with it in our own sexual practices.  I don’t think this unreasonable, but my own relationship to “performance” and sex sometimes makes me uncomfortable.  It is widely accepted that we experiment with solo pleasure and masturbation, becoming comfortable with it on our own terms, as something we all should do, right? Why am I thinking about, and focusing on, performance—when I masturbate alone with a vibrator and no one is watching?

So I get this hot pink realistic penis vibrator/dildo. Hot. Pink. Checking it out, settling on it, purchasing it, and receiving said 8 inches of realistic penile silicone was erotic and exciting! I have never used a vibrator or dildo before (with variable speeds!) and was eager to try it out, bring myself to new realms of pleasure, and then report back to Mike about how awesome it is (and it is awesome). I set aside some time, and prepared myself to end a day at the office with a late-afternoon early-evening pleasure session—complete with scented candles.

Only, it was awkward. Embarrassing, even. I was awkward. I wasn’t nearly the sensational sex-toy dynamo diva that I thought I would be!  Then again, why should I be? Unless when I pleasure myself I am really thinking about all those “I just turned 18 and this is my first time!” pig-tailed girls in slip-on sneakers and itsy bitsy skirts who are either penetrating themselves for the first time with a dildo or offering themselves up for penetration, and are skillfully sexy and crooning and cooing in all the right ways (or are they?…). Even when I am alone it seems I just might be performing for some idealized sexual scenario that may or may not happen when I am with Mike, because he wants me to be this kind of sexy, right, because that porn is made for guys and he’s a guy and all guys find that sexy, right?

Turns out I don’t know my way around a penis, especially a mechanical one, the way I know my way around Mike’s penis. Holding the vibrator, and it not being connected to balls or a person, was strange. How do I angle this? Where do I put it? And this thing is huge—I am actually supposed to insert it into myself? I’m supposed to get pleasure out of penetrating myself with this vibrating hunk of silicone, right? And if I’m not—which I didn’t, initially—am I doing it wrong? (I probably should have used more lubrication than just what my vagina supplied. Lesson number one, learned!

Lesson number two? The vibrator is not a real penis. Yet, my first move when deciding to purchase a vibrator/dildo was to look only at those that were “life-like”. After all, I am a heterosexual female in a loving relationship with a male partner. I love his penis, and love having sex with him. So my vibrator should be a penis. I realize now that this isn’t the case, and the more I look at vibrators like The Cone, I think “Wow—that looks awesome!” and chide myself for assuming that my sexual orientation and the sex that I have with my partner somehow X’d out all vibrators not specifically oriented towards penis-like penetration…

Thirdly, the vibrator is not my partner’s penis. Hot pink penis shaped silicone ≠ Mike’s penis. Notably conventionally minded, I assumed that I would be purchasing a life-like realistic vibrator for the purposes of impersonating Mike’s penis. This probably wasn’t the best way to go about it. Masturbation (for me) isn’t the same as sex and can’t be replaced by sex. Similarly, sex can’t be replaced by masturbation, either. Masturbation is a unique and fun experience, just like sex. I also didn’t intend to “replace” Mike’s penis with a fake one, despite its resemblance in size and shape. The most important thing about Mike’s penis, after all, is what it is attached to—Mike! I have sex with my partner, and masturbate with a vibrator.

I think part of my discomfort and awkwardness with using the vibrator for the first time came from my conflating the idea that my masturbation tool had to mimic and ‘stand-in’ for my partner; that my masturbation experience was a substitute for the sex I would be having if my partner and I were together. After discussing my vibrator/dildo experiences (which have improved) Mike and I decided that masturbation should continue to be an enjoyable part of our sex practice, as either something that we do by ourselves or even together, but that it should not be eliminated just because the possibility to have actual sexual intercourse is on the table.

Until I started to talk to Mike about it, I didn’t realize that I was using the vibrator as a replacement penis. I saw that not only did I not know how to handle the vibrator in the way that I know how to handle his penis, but that it drastically fell short of my expectations. Of course you could ask “well why would you think that the vibrator would be like a real penis?” because it most obviously is not. Here’s why: the damn thing is really life-like! In fact, there is an entire category of dildos and vibrators that are realistically textured, formed, and racialized to be “just like the real thing”. Sometimes I surprise myself with the assumptions that I make about myself—that my masturbation tool would be a penis, no questions asked. That the majority of vibrators and dildos and sex toys out there replicate phallic penetration (I know, it feels good!) makes me wonder if the underlying assumption is that women pleasuring themselves must take on a phallic nature. Which is why I am pleased to see other pleasure tools out there (like The Cone and Sasi) that don’t seem to suggest that all women are eager to jump on a dick when it comes to solo masturbation.

The simple notion that I was replacing Mike’s penis with an impersonation wormed its way into my psyche in strange ways. This likely aided by his joking (but perhaps slightly truthful) comments like “well I hope I don’t become obsolete!” (Never, love!) Not only does the idea that I would be ‘falsifying’ him by relying on a counterfeit penis suggest that he is only the sum of his penis and reducing and dehumanizing him as a person; but the counterfeit behaviors I ascribed to the penis and my reactions to it occasioned strange feelings of guilt and my own impersonation. Around the same time, I had some strange dreams that Mike suggested were probably related to my burgeoning relationship with the vibrator and those initial discomforts. I dreamed that Mike was breaking our monogamy by having sex with other people—men and women. In the dream in which he was having sex with men, his character (a very false version of him that looked just like him but with the wrong personality) justified his actions by suggesting that this wasn’t the same as “cheating”. He was just enjoying himself, harmlessly. It had nothing to do with me or his sexual satisfaction with me. Dream-self didn’t buy this logic one bit, and was as much hurt and offended and confused as real-self would probably be if such a scenario were to really happen. But real-life partner might have subtly interpreted (as I clearly  did) the comparison I was (wrongly) making between fake penis and real penis, that one could be just as good as the other, that I would be having real partner-like sexual reactions to the false partner penis just the way I might in our joint sexual experience.

When having this discussion Mike and I were reminded (because we are nerds) of the Freudian-based theory of the Uncanny Valley:

The uncanny valley hypothesis holds that when robots and other facsimiles of humans look and act almost like actual humans, it causes a response of revulsion among human observers. The “valley” in question is a dip in a proposed graph of the positivity of human reaction as a function of a robot’s lifelikeness.

Though the penis-like vibrator is not nearly as sophisticated as humanoid robots or computer graphics, it is lifelike. The ridges, the circumcision (!), the veins—are all incredibly approximate. I looked at it, felt it, held it in my hand and thought it did a pretty good job of looking like Mike’s penis! Except that it is Hot. Hot. Pink. But this is largely because it looked like a penis, not so much his penis, and all penises are more or less going to have similar features. This excellent craftsmanship and my own thinking had me believing that the vibrator (and myself) could fool myself into interpreting penetration by a vibrator as penetration by Mike. Not so. Lifelike or not, it certainly did not feel like Mike’s penis. For one, it was too stiff! Even Mike at his hardest has the flexibility that comes with human tissue, which is not present in a plastic battery case inserted down the middle of what would otherwise be a flexible silicone penis (and perhaps a simple flexible non-vibrating dildo is the answer here). And I am sure (as with the real penis) it can all be in how you work it, but I was not experienced in working a penis and so I experienced some moments of “revulsion” in which I felt “well this things looks real but it certainly is not acting as if it were real!” (This reflects my thinking that it’s the vibrator/dildo that is supposed to do something for me, ignoring that I am the one responsible for working it!) For all its exactness, it is simply not exact enough. For all its personable pretty pinkness, it lacked the most crucial thing that robots lack—personality. This isn’t to say that we can’t ascribe or project personality onto our vibrators and dildos, I think coloring and racializing them is a way to suggest that we do just that. And that’s part of the fun, they are sex toys after all! (And if you’re thinking that it doesn’t matter whether you select a white or brown life-like penis, that you aren’t somehow affected by culturally pervasive racialized notions of the phallus…well, I would have trouble believing that.) For my part, I think I will work on reformulating my conceptions of the penetrating vibrator away from that of partner imitation and toward that of multipurpose sexual apparatus that we can both use for some erotic fun!  The fun I am looking forward to, however, is not only learning more about how to handle this fake penis, but putting it in the hands of a seasoned professional so that we can both learn together…

*~L~*