In a bid to prove to the Equality and Human Rights Commission that the BNP are in fact a reasonable and modern representation of working class Britain and not at all a repackaged fascist party, Nick Griffin has apparently today asked his members to vote to amend the party’s constitution, so that it no longer restricts membership to “indigenous Caucasian” people, whatever that may mean.

Quite bizarre news in itself (and clearly an incredibly tempting if ill-advised opportunity for the Daily Mail to use its ‘Political Correctness Gone Mad!’ headline-generator). But stranger still was discovering that a number of non-”indigenous Caucasian” callers to 5 Live thought this was all a marvelous idea because they actually wanted to join the BNP. Could it be April Fools? Surely not, not in October.

Yes that’s right: apparently sane people phoning in to tell the nation just how glad they were that they can at last join the British fascist party that openly regards their presence as a blemish on this country. What on Earth was going on here? Fortunately I had 15 minutes before my lunch hour was up, and a casual attitude towards time-keeping.

In fairness to Gilmor from West London, of African origin, he did explain that his plans to join the BNP were part of a strategy to ’subvert from within’. Gilmor didn’t suffer fools gladly, picking holes in the arguments of all-comers with an admirably combative intellectualism. In fact he bordered on belligerent arrogance much of the time, barking and snapping at callers that he deemed unworthy of sharing his airtime. I liked Gilmor a lot. At one point he interrupted Chris from Bradford, a BNP voter (and therefore presumably a member of Gilmor’s intended voting base?), in order to give him a history lesson. Gilmor painstakingly explained how Britain, far from being “built on democracy” as Chris claimed, was actually “built from the life blood of black people” at a time when Britain did not have any resources of its own to speak of: at this point the tension literally arced from my car aerial and electrocuted an innocent passer-by.

Even more remarkable though was Andre, also a black man brought up in this country, and by his own account a successful businessman. In keeping with the surrealism of the phone-in, Andre wanted to join the BNP too. His motives seemed quite different to those of Gilmor, although at first just what those motives were remained tantalisingly elusive.

Andre explained that he felt that the problems with the BNP stemmed from ignorance, and that if they would only spend some time getting to know what black and Asian people were like they would probably find that they got along just fine.

“Possibly so,” I fumed to the empty car, “but dammit man, that doesn’t sufficiently explain why you should want to join a political party that would have prevented your parents from coming here in the first place, and therefore prevented you from being born in the country that you love!”

I sensed that presenter Victoria Derbyshire shared my frustrations, but having the sensibilities of a nation to consider rather than those of an empty Vauxhall Cavalier, she took a more measured line of questioning. Andre though was unwavering in his conviction, and when asked if he was not offended by the fact that until now he would have been banned from being a member due to his ethnic heritage explained that “you have to rise above it.”

I entered work bewildered and late. However, the more I thought about Andre during the afternoon, the more I came to like him. It’s actually impossible not to: go ahead, try it. Although at first frustrated by what I had deemed to be his inability to satisfactorily articulate his arguments, it soon became clear that he was just really, really nice. Far nicer than I could ever comprehend. And then it dawned on me that perhaps he had spotted a brilliantly ironic use for his powerfully disarming personality.

What if Andre and others like him really did join the BNP? Imagine it, all these confused skinheads sat looking at each other as Andre and his family came into the conference hall, all smiles and handshakes. And what if then more and more of their friends and families began to join? And then in a generation’s time we would have second generation Afro-Caribean BNP members.

But wait. Wouldn’t the most extreme members merely split from the BNP and form the Real BNP?

Not a problem, Andre and his crack team of Moderating Influences could join the Real BNP: the precedent has now been set after all, he must be allowed to join. So just as the inaugral meeting of the twenty or so most hardcore right-wingers in the country is about to kick-off in the dimly lit function room above the Fist And Boot pub, the door opens and there’s Andre and his crew, greeting everyone with a cheery wave.

The BNP would be a broken party, how could it possibly continue in the face of such ruthless political sardines?

And if you’re wondering what actually constitutes an “indigenous Caucasian” person, here is BNP spokesperson Chris Roberts absolutely failing to explain it to the BBC today.

LAST day of term, so the Chief Whip is letting us all bring in games. I’ve brought a train set (obviously), Alistair Darling’s brought in Monopoly, Alan Johnson’s got Operation, David Miliband has Risk, Des Browne’s brought in an Action Man, etc, etc…

On the subject of the start of the recess, I was called by Radio 5 Live on the way to the airport this morning to ask if I would take part in Victoria Derbyshire’s phone-in on the subject of the recess and how much work MPs will be doing during it. Talk about a no-win scenario! Any MP with the courage to stand up for his or her right to a family holiday will be inundated by angry callers describing them as lazy jobsworths (with the phrase “snout in the trough” no doubt thrown in for good measure now and again). And then there will be the automatic assumption that the destination of said family holiday should be public knowledge. Well, it’s not and it won’t be.

Now where did I put that Hornby double-0…?

There’s been a barrage of criticism today about the BBC’s blanket coverage of the McCanns leaving Portugal. The corporation’s head of news Peter Horrocks, had this to say.

“There has been a lot of criticism but there has been a large number of people turning to BBC TV because they are keen to get new information about the story,” he said.

He added that viewing for news bulletins was “one or two million up” on normal ratings, while stories on the BBC news website about Madeleine “were four or five times” more popular than others, something which he described as “unprecedented”.

Isn’t the whole point of a state-funded national broadcaster supposed to be that they’re above that kind of thinking? Horrocks is making a rod for his own back with that argument – if “viewing figures” are your only measure of quality, then why not sell off the whole thing now and you can compete with Murdoch’s empire on their level? But then it appears that ABSOLUTELY NOBODY in the BBC these days has any clear vision of what the corporation’s supposed to be about.

Victoria Derbyshire’s Five Live phone-in this morning (Monday) was an absolute disgrace. Public money was being used to stage a phone-in vote on whether or not “the McCanns still had our sympathy.” Possibly the cheapest, most sensationalist moment in the whole tawdry history of Victoria Derbyshire’s attempt to drag that morning show into the gutter – and believe me, she’s done it many a time. I’ve more or less given up listening now, and it was only by fluke I tuned in this morning. Her phone-in is the one glaring weak spot in the Five Live schedule, and her attitude when it comes to debates about the media is defensive and closed – the opposite of what Five Live is supposed to stand for.

We could have better journalism, better drama, better documentaries and better comedy on the BBC if we saved some money by a) scrapping BBC Three, and b) scrapping Victoria Derbyshire’s contract.