Well besides the fact that there are no direct-to-coast flights, no amusement parks, natural wonders, really only occasional visits by aging music acts, Tulsa is a great vacation spot for families whose big idea of fun is taking tick-infested walks or big-box shopping in the Midwest. What about Big Splash? Now THERE is an awesome destination, right? Wrong!! Among the nine ‘best affordable destinations’ that have water parks, how does Big Splash fare? Virtually dead last, that is how! In the order of ‘vacation destinations’ as recommended by livability.com, here is how awful Tulsa’s awful water park truly is:

These ratings are derived by averaging Google, Yahoo, and Yelp reviews, and clearly demonstrates that besides Boulder CO (with an incredible 1 rating) and Rogers AR (which does not even have a water park) Big Splash ranks dead last! Funny thing, I WILL STILL BUY A SEASON PASS FOR ME AND THE HALF-PINT! THAT is how desperate I am! I will endure the baby-pee-pool – the one where water passes nicely between the lawn and pool over thar by the ship-shaped-slide – and the aging facilities for a chance to drown in the wave pool.

In the meantime stay far, far away from Tulsa. Unless your favorite artist is performing a one-night-only last-ever no-more concert in Tulsa, save your money and your time and pick any of Oklahoma’s other teeming metropolis’ for your vacation destination.

Both of these assertions are just bizarre and really lead to the assumption that someone over there has Troll-town connections. As a vacation destination Tulsa would be as disappointing as a teenager receiving a defensive-driving class as his/her ‘big gift’ on Christmas! Expired meat may be ‘affordable’ but inadvisable to eat! The Yugo is affordable, but awful. I have lived in this crappy place for over 25 years and not ONCE, not one single time, have I ever encountered anyone who just came to Tulsa to visit. Not once. Now a lot of people have to come here to visit their trapped relatives or friends who cannot escape Wretchedopolois, but as a destination in and of itself? Bizarre.

Here is something for the lying liars to not report: of those ‘top ten’ cities, amplicate.com’s rankings place Tulsa ranks in the bottom four, along with Rogers Lousiville and Greenville! So among some of the cheapest places in America with a drive-through and a Best Western Tulsa is still in the bottom tier (we think Rogers, Arkansas is being lumped in with Rogers Cellular, skewing that metric)! Nonetheless, the difference between the above average versus below average is striking: 3x average favorability for the top tier versus the bottom tier.

There are no remarkable natural phenomena or remarkable man-made destinations in Terrible-town, our ‘history’ is thin and unremarkable, it is out-of-the way, and really not that great on any entertainment scale. And on that ‘music-city’ fiction, ask any random Troll-town zombie where some good music scenes are or who their favorite musician is and I can 110% guarantee they will have no clue. And yet this unfun, crappy backwater is one of the top-ten music scenes in America? Riiiiiight. (Fact is, the CHOICH, the FOAL GOSPILL CHOICH’es is where the best musicians are, but since the churches do not sell booze or sex…)

So the trolls at ‘livability’ used scientific data to make this calculation, right? Y’know, numbers? Statistics? None. Just their gut feelings. Huh. Well MY gut feeling tells me someone is lobbying or has some kind of interest in the outcome. Tulsa has close to zero attractions outside of a few casinos and museums, a handful of interesting buildings, and that is it. The one highlight for the cheerleaders is the BOK Center – a half-billion dollar boondoggle that is the crowning achievement of the socialists in power in Tulsa. Even then, the concerts that are booked are hailed and promoted as news events months and months before they occur.

One bright spot: if for whatever reason you are induced into coming to one of the concerts at the BOK Center (City of Tulsa Civic Arena) you no longer even have to walk around our crappy urban landscape: a NEW parking garage is directly across the street! That is right: the Arena was touted as a way of getting people into downtown to help small businesses and eateries, but NOW folk can breeze into shitty Tulsa and breeze right out without getting smeared with Tulsa! Great!

Whatever you do, dear reader, do not plan on vacationing in Tulsa for any reason. It may save a few dollars but if saving money was important why are you not still driving your old car and wearing hand-me-downs? Because cheap is cheap, and Tulsa is beyond cheap – it is worthless. And livability.com is equally worthless in its assessments, obviously.