So on Friday I went to do a volunteer stint for Good Vibrations Festival, doing site setup. I got rostered an 8:00 – 1:00 shift, and since it was at the city I had to wake up at 5:30. Basically, the day started off with a groan.

So I had a hurried breakfast because I was running slightly late, and then got driven to the train station (okay, I admit, my parents worked just as hard that day as I did, they had to get up at the same time). It became ridiculously clear how early I was when I walked past the newsagency guy opening his store, and then as my train pulled away from the station, I heard the birds stir awake.

When I arrived at Flemington Racecourse, it started to rain a little, but I was smart and I wore a cap so I wouldn’t get sunburnt (and whatdya know, it worked), so I decided to tough it out. Little did I know that it would basically start pissing rain for the next hour or so, and it was a HUGE piss the sky took.

After being inducted and getting to wear my first hi-vis vest, I got grouped with 3 other people. We got led to some containers, where the signs for toilets and bars and whatnot were stored. I took the time to notice that the guy supervising my group looked like Spencer Reid from Criminal Minds, except he wasn’t as smart, or smart at all, and he was a lot more well built.

Unfortunately, Reid (his name was actually Morty but I like Reid) went off to supervise another group, and my group worked with this guy called Ben. He and his crew partner Sean told us that we had to put up the entrance gate signs. So we went to one of the gates, and it started pouring earnestly. Luckily I was in the car, but two of my group got drenched.

Anyway, it was a pretty boring day so basically fast forward 3 hours and tedious walking back and forth to fasten stupid signs on gates that weren’t even ready, we were given a break. One of the girls in my group found out that I wasn’t planning to actually go to the festival using the free ticket we get given, so she offered to buy it off me. I supposed that a third of the ticket price is a cheap deal, but I was going to not get any money anyway.

Finally, at 1, we got signed out. I really hope other jobs are more exciting than this one, but it WAS interesting to see the venue get set up. I went to have lunch, and decided to treat myself to some McNuggets before I get sick of looking at them, and wolfed down 10 of them. The guilt was quickly quietened by the reminder that I hadn’t eaten anything but 2 slices of toast and water since 5:30.

I basically passed out to sleep at 10:30 later that night. I don’t think it was the best way to do it, but at least this deal got my sleeping pattern back to normal.

Alex.

Well, don’t.

First of all, it’s a very competitive field.

Second, that’s more competition for me.

And third, you could be offered a deal to write for a show for free…only to get SCREWED.

I know: get an offer to write for a late night show for free, only to have the offer taken away….TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE!

Well, that’s what happened to me recently.

I had been sending out writer’s packets to various late night shows around town.

I even wrote to one host I never heard of before, and you probably haven’t either since he’s not that well-known.

I’ll keep him anonymous, cause he seems like an okay guy. It’s his head writer who’s a total idiot.

The host has had a small-time cable show now for almost 10 years. It’s a very low-budget show.

So I shot him an email about writing for the show and heard from him a few days later.

He said he loved my stuff and there was an opening on his writing staff, if I was interested.

He said his other two writers have been on staff for Jay Leno and even Johnny Carson.

However, he said that since his show’s very small, there was no pay.

I thought it over for a few days…I wasn’t particularly excited there was no pay (no one on his staff got paid…it was all voluntary).

But I thought it could also open doors for me to bigger things, especially since I’d be working with seasoned writers.

And it would look great on my resume that I actually worked on a show.

I wrote back a few days later and said after giving it some thought, it sounded like a great opportunity. I said, “I’m in.”

Got an email from him the next day. And this is what it ESSENTIALLY said:

“Uh, I spoke to my head writer about this. Uh, he doesn’t think it’s a good idea. Uh, he said we’re already trying out another writer, or something. Uh, if it doesn’t work out maybe you can write for us or something. Uh…”

Uh, ok. Either one of two things happened here:

a.) Head writer and host checked the budget and realized they couldn’t afford to pay me nothing to write for them.

b.) The head writer, who’s also working for FREE, has an ego bigger than Tiger Woods’ affinity for whores and threw a fit about a younger writer invading “his territory.” He wants the show all to himself and threatened to leave if I came in. Poor host was torn but eventually gave in to head writer’s threat.

I’m guessing the answer’s B. Which is pretty insulting if you think about it. Aside from someone taking away an offer, it’s like, “Wow I got turned down — for a volunteer job!”

Well here’s my message to this so-called “head writer.”

Head writer,

Reality check: this is a VOLUNTEER show. It’s not like you’d be earning LESS if one more writer came on board. I was told you thought that by adding another writer, there would be “too many cooks in the kitchen.”

Why…so the show could continue to be a little-known show that’s going nowhere fast?

You know sometimes, change is good. Sometimes, bringing in new blood is good.

All you old farts who wrote for late night think the same. You think just because you’ve written for Johnny Carson for 60 years and walked 12 miles to the studio every day in -45 degree weather means you’re better than a freelance writer who’s working his ass off to break in. Well guess what…I can write the same HALF-FUNNY jokes that you wrote for late night — and many more that are actually considered “FUNNY.”

If you want to keep jeopardizing your host’s future by continuing to give him bad advice just so you could benefit, be my guest.

But let’s do the math: the show hasn’t been picked up by a major network since it began almost 10 years ago. And my prediction is that Sarah Palin will become President of the United States before any network even touches this show with a 10-foot pole.

Okay, sorry. Maybe NBC will pick it up one day. They love shows that absolutely suck.

In the meantime, make sure you guys have two studios from now on: one for the show and one for your ego.

Sincerely not yours,

Andrew

*****

Willblogforlols is written for entertainment purposes only.

Andrew Wisot is a freelance writer for The Jay Leno Show and an US Weekly Fashion Cop who’s “between jobs.” Andrew will blog for LOLs until he’s employed again or 50,000 miles, whichever one comes first.

Email: andrew@willblogforlols.com

However, now at the six month and counting stage of being out of work with no unemployment benefits, I am reaching the end of my rope and there’s only one way to go once the end is reached.  I thought of how I might be able to meet some new people in a volunteer job, make some friends, perhaps, and that might lead to a “real” job.  I scanned the ads early this morning and contacted a few that sounded promising.  Although the ads were posted on a Sunday and I would presume that means there would be someone to also answer on a Sunday, no one has contacted me yet.  Do they not even want me for volunteer work?   To be denied with no other information about myself other than I am willing and am available whenever they need me would be most unfortunate.  Well, if they have more volunteers than they need, that’s a different story.  I hope it is the latter rather than the former.

Then a huge weariness fell over me and I cuddled up on the sofa and slept for two hours and I tell you, I felt like a reborn human being when I woke up, because before I was just starting to slide down a slippery slope a bit, feeling a little sorry for myself and being ever so slightly moody, but that nap restored me completely, so that’s all it took. The alarm clock woke me up, because it was time for my 6 o’clock medication, otherwise I might still have been asleep.

Thank goodness I remembered to go to sleep and to not stubbornly hang on and make things difficult for myself, for I easily could have mistaken it for a rapid cycle and be very far away from home in a pit of despair that I couldn’t see my way out off, which is what happened regularly in the past and brought me all sorts of troubles.

Of course, there is no one here to argue my irrational point of view with and I only have myself to consult and that does simplify things. No one gets in the way of the actions that I need to undertake to make conditions better for myself and I don’t owe anyone an apology when I do and no drama is made of it. It’s all very simple. I feel bad and go to sleep and wake up and feel better. No arguments, no explanations, no dramas, no aftermath, no discussions. And I don’t feel crazy.

I have just taken the Überhund out again and it was windy and cold and wet. Shivering kind of weather that makes you long for a fireplace. Unluckily, I have no such thing in the apartment, but you can buy electric ones that look like it, alas, I have no room for one. Instead, I have put on my pajamas and bathrobe and slippers and made myself cozy that way.

I see that I have to go to the store for some things that I am running out of. I am eating more mackerel and sardines than I anticipated and I have to buy more crackers. I buy the fish in olive oil and don’t drain the tins before I eat the fish, figuring the oil is good for me and makes the fish less dry to eat. So I will have to get more of them.

I want to buy breakfast crackers called Cracottes which are long rectangular shaped airy crackers on which you can put any kind of sandwich topping. You eat them instead of bread, but they are easier for me to eat. I should have bought them right away instead of the rusk toast, which is too tempting to eat a lot of, because they go down so very easy and the dog likes them too, so we have rusk toast eating parties.

I went to the volunteer network on line and registered and then found what I thought was a challenging volunteer job, so I sent away for information on it. Soon I was contacted by the coordinators with the details and who to get in touch with, but when I got to that stage, I got stage fright and realized that I was not nearly ready for the amount of responsibility that the job required and I got every worried about it and saw myself failing before I had even started. I know I’m not ready for anything as big as this and it will get me into trouble, so I bowed out gracefully and will try for something very simple. I did take an aptitude test and it showed that I should do administrative work.

I am very worried about what I am going to do once my therapies end and I hope I can find something that suits me and that will not scare the living daylights out of me, like that training I started a year and a half ago and I started rapid cycling something awful. I went from one extreme mood to another in one day every day and it was scary and exhausting.

I am not at all suited for regular participation in this world. My stress threshold is very low and I react to it by becoming very chaotic and instable. I can’t handle the demands that are put on me in what other people would consider normal situations. I may seem very calm and competent to people on the outside under good conditions, but when things get tough, I fall apart. It takes a lot of medicine to keep me up and going then. Until just recently, I took sleep medication during the day along with my tranquilizers to keep me calm and stress free.

That’s why I get so upset when allusions are made to the therapies ending one day, because I know what hangs over my head. It’s like the sword of Damocles ready to cleave me in half.

Well, on to happier thoughts. Tomorrow is creative therapy and I get to work on my third clay clay sculpture, which will be partly my own design. I’m quite excited about this and can’t wait to get a proper start on it. The clay I’m using is very good and soft and malleable and goes every which way I push it. That wasn’t the case with the clay for the second sculpture and I hope it bakes okay. I’d hate to see it shatter.

The Exfactor is coming over for coffee tomorrow afternoon and I will make sure I’m not exuberant and kiss him on his nose. God forbid! I’m afraid that with this kind of weather, I will not be able to meet my friend Von downtown, which is a shame. There is no way we can sit on a café terrace now for a cappuccino.

I am going to try and go downtown this weekend, though. I am so unhappy with my new glasses that I want the lenses of my new glasses put in my old original titanium frame. Those were the first glasses I had and I was the most happy with them, so that’s what I’ve decided. Maybe then I’ll wear them and be less vain about it.

Okay, it’s time to put this baby to bed.

Sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite.

Ciao…