Like Two Silver Fish
Cat and mouse we played along the stretches of the interstate,
Like two silver fish sliding in silver stream, we matched rate to rate,
Your eyes of blue piqued my interest and we danced mile after mile,
And I was increasingly charmed by your smile, a dazzling smile,
It was then I convinced you with hand to mouth,
That we should dine and converse by going south,
Surprisingly you said yes and followed me to Apple Annie’s,
Where we reflected on where silver stream of life was taking us,
Like a bubbling brook your laugh cascaded across me as we discussed,
Our interest in books, music, and all life proffered,
Friendship was born in that instant and I wanted all you offered,
Off to the movies we went but opted for a stroll in the mall,
We had coffee in a corner where we could stall,
Wanting to be forgotten by the world and forgotten by time,
Emotions filling us, laughter, sadness, pensive quiet, and moods sublime,
Then we were back in our cars and you were gone,
And I was wishing for a lifetime of moments not yet done,
Wishing there had been dancing and holding you tight,
For dancing melds friendships and thoughts to warm the night,
Heartbeats against my chest to wake me in the morn,
Not a friendship to yearn for or to mourn,
Silvery fish playing in the shadows, playing in the dark,
In those hours of connection we made our mark,
Like two silver fish playing in life’s silver stream,
I wanted you to be more than just a fleeting dream,
I wanted you to feel the warmth radiating from my heart,
Wanted my silver love to keep you from wanting to part,
For you were special to me then and still are,
And I still wish upon a silver star, for you and your silver car.

Well, sure, getting divorced SOUNDS easy.  You sign a few papers and you’re done, right?

Okay, it’s slightly more complicated than that.  Especially when there are three children (or any amount of children really) involved.  And don’t get me started about the STUFF (all of which you have to decide custody of too). 

Then there’s the emotional unwinding….how do I feel about everyone on the planet from this new and strange perspective?  And how do they feel about me?  Not.The.Same.  that’s for sure.   Suddenly eveything is different.  How do I even feel about myself?   A lot of the time I feel Not.The Same.  or worse.  Much worse.  Much, much worse.

There are some days that feel like death.  Seriously, exactly like death should feel.  Nothingness.  Bitterness.  And in the midst of it all I have to make decisions….where will I live, how will I live, what do I get out of this marriage?  Am I getting enough, am I asking too much? 

And when you feel bitter or guilty or sad it’s hard to make good decisions.

So I am developing a team of advisors.  Here are the criteria I’ve developed for membership on my advisory board:

1.  They have a history of good decision making.  Lampshade wearers need not apply.

2.  They aren’t judgemental.  They don’t use the word “should”.  ever.

3.  They have the emotional bandwidth to actually help right now (they aren’t in the midst of their own divorce for example).

4.  They care for me but aren’t in love with me.   People in love are tricky, their own agenda sometimes colors their advice.

So the list is pretty short:

Lola (friend of 14 years) she is non-judgemental and able to tell  me the “tough” stuff.

Gunny (brother for 40 years) he tempers his judgmental tendencies with humor and love.

Jo-Jo (neighbor for 5 years) she is pragmatic about life.  And she has saved my bacon on several unexpected occasions.

Buddha (friend for 20 (+) years) she knows me like nobody else.  And she can always make me laugh.

Sometimes life just doesn’t agree with me.

There is a place, which is really a state of mind, so dark and foul that, by its very nature, seems to consume your soul.

I visited that place today.  It wasn’t by choice.  I was sent spiralling there at warp speed by nothing more than a little ‘mistake’, a lie.  

What a Pandora’s box can be opened by deception and lies!

Is it so difficult to understand?  Over and over again i have answered the same question… “what is it that you want from me?”   Always i have the same answer… “the truth”.    The simple truth.   No deception.  No lies.  Why is honesty so difficult?  I don’t wrestle with it.  I have no reason to fear it.  I have nothing to hide.  Is it really asking too much to expect honesty in return?

I didn’t choose to be in such a torturous place, but i did choose not to accept it and i did choose not to stay there.

The first step out of it was to go and sit outside in the sunshine and just absorb the light and the heat and the calm.

There were plenty of steps to follow, too many to mention, before a kind of resolution was found and i was able to begin to feel better.

But i did… and i do, feel better!   I need to remind myself of that because when your soul is being eaten alive you tend to forget there is a way out, it will pass, there will be light and peace and calm once again.  

Not happiness yet…..

Happiness is something i remember from my past, something i have forgotten in my present, and something a dream of for my future.

For now i am more than content with peace, calm, light and warmth.

One of these nights
When words are
Too heavy
When the darkness is
Too cold

Lay me down
Beside you
Flesh against flesh
Warm and tender
Under llamas wool

Let our dreams
Come and go
Like fingertips

Grazing temples
And souls

In the midst of breath
Between us

Loose
Unbound
And
Gentle

For the duration of
One winter’s night

One blue moon
One light in the shadows

From spellbound dusk
Till breaking dawn

For just a few hours
Banish the hate
Shut out the fear
And despair

Find reprieve
With me
In the silence

Of night

In the act
Of silent

Communion

There is no doubt, in a Catholic belief system homosexuality is intrinsically “wrong.” However, there is a direct lack of evidence why. It is almost as though if questioned, a believer would merely say (in a more eloquent manner) “because God said so.” If as human beings we were to believe and worship everything with more power than ourselves then where would I society be headed? Would there be any scientific development? Would there be any progression of humanity?This other terribly discriminatory ideology that homosexual relationships have the capacity to devalue or in effect hinder a heterosexual relationship is completely illogical. How can a relationship that you have no knowledge of, destroy your relationship? In regards to homosexual marriage, American comedian Wanda Sykes puts it into a humorous colloquialism, “If you don’t believe in same-sex marriage, then don’t marry somebody of the same-sex.” Marriage is another topic that is too lengthy to delve into right now, however, people argue that the sanctity of marriage must be protected at all costs. However, marriage existed before religion, before Christianity, before Islam, before Judaism. In fact many of modern church practices (the use of candles, incense, etc.) were derived from the more ritualistic services of paganism. The Church’s view on homosexuality is clear and concise. Clarity is usually beneficial in most situations. But the passion at which the Church argues that these acts of homosexuality are “wrong” has a direct relationship to the amount of discrimination that exists in the wider society. One might even go so far as to argue that it could be the one of the underlying factors in the higher rate of suicide in gay teens. It an absolutely appalling statistic that approximately 30% of GLBT youths will attempt suicide. The Church is also used as a justification for violent and discriminatory acts. Matthew Shepherd’s death is a tragic example of the extent to which fear and text can motivate someone. Imagine if it were you, tied to a fence post, beaten to a bloody pulp and left to die. Why? Merely because of the colour of your skin, the type of men you found attractive, your religion, your political beliefs, the way in which you desired to express your sexuality and who you were as a person.

This cycle of discrimination has to be stagnated. If not for the safety of the GLBT community, but so that we can function and develop as a species. The Church had made its stance loud and clear, but there must be logical and rational Christians and Catholics that see the flaw and larger consequences that this stance creates, not only for homosexuals, but for the wider human society.“Homosexuality is a lifestyle choice.” -Wrong. Homosexuality is not a choice of lifestyle, but more of a part of a person perceives himself or herself to be. Modern psychology states that homosexuality is at least 30-70% genetic, therefore it can’t simply be argued that a man or woman wakes up one morning and decides that from this point in their lives that they will be homosexual. This is not to be confused with a period of discovery that many homosexuals undertake, but as Erikson defined in his stages of psychological development that all teens undergo this stage when they are attempting to find themselves and who they are as a person. The detrimental influence of society also creates this fear amongst many of today’s youth that instills into them a fear of being themselves. Not only around their peers, but also with family and even by themselves. Hiding from one self may also lead to many psychological problems in latter life.

To place this in context the quote was articulated to be within the town of Sodom, and the two “men”? Well they were said to be angels of God. The ideologies contained within in the quote are not direct and clear. To begin the quote itself does not exclusively denote the act of homosexuality. But also in addition to this it does not even state that the abuse of the two angels was intended to be sexual. Regardless of the implications, even if this was intended to be sexual abuse, then would this simply mean that “Yahweh” as described in Genesis was condemning Rape, Sexual Abuse and Nonconsentual Sex? Rather than jumping to the discriminatory conclusion of homosexuality? Angels were beings completely void of sexual sin; meaning that even if women intended the same actions it could be stated that this would be “wicked” in the context as well.

The simple fact of the matter is, that Sodom was not an exclusively homosexually inclined town, but a cacophony of sinning did occur. Rape, murder, incest, bestiality were all the norms of this province, meaning that one cannot simply jump to the simplest conclusion to merely justify their own beliefs.

One of my intellectual and quizzically inclined readers pointed out some interesting biblical quotes regarding the church’s stance on homosexuality.

Let us begin:
Genesis 19:5-8-”Calling to Lot they said, ‘Where are the men who came to you tonight? Send them out to us so that we may abuse them.’
Lot came out to them at the door, and having closed the door behind him said, ‘I beg you, brothers, do no such wicked thing. Listen, I have two daughters who are virgins. I am ready to send them out to you, to treat as it pleases you. But as for the men, do nothing to them, for they have come under the shadow of my roof.’”

To place this in context the quote was articulated to be within the town of Sodom, and the two “men”? Well they were said to be angels of God. The ideologies contained within in the quote are not direct and clear. To begin the quote itself does not exclusively denote the act of homosexuality. But also in addition to this it does not even state that the abuse of the two angels was intended to be sexual. Regardless of the implications, even if this was intended to be sexual abuse, then would this simply mean that “Yahweh” as described in Genesis was condemning Rape, Sexual Abuse and Nonconsentual Sex? Rather than jumping to the discriminatory conclusion of homosexuality? Angels were beings completely void of sexual sin; meaning that even if women intended the same actions it could be stated that this would be “wicked” in the context as well.

The simple fact of the matter is, that Sodom was not an exclusively homosexually inclined town, but a cacophony of sinning did occur. Rape, murder, incest, bestiality were all the norms of this province, meaning that one cannot simply jump to the simplest conclusion to merely justify their own beliefs.

There is no doubt, in a Catholic belief system homosexuality is intrinsically “wrong.” However, there is a direct lack of evidence why. It is almost as though if questioned, a believer would merely say (in a more eloquent manner) “because God said so.” If as human beings we were to believe and worship everything with more power than ourselves then where would I society be headed? Would there be any scientific development? Would there be any progression of humanity?This other terribly discriminatory ideology that homosexual relationships have the capacity to devalue or in effect hinder a heterosexual relationship is completely illogical. How can a relationship that you have no knowledge of, destroy your relationship? In regards to homosexual marriage, American comedian Wanda Sykes puts it into a humorous colloquialism, “If you don’t believe in same-sex marriage, then don’t marry somebody of the same-sex.” Marriage is another topic that is too lengthy to delve into right now, however, people argue that the sanctity of marriage must be protected at all costs. However, marriage existed before religion, before Christianity, before Islam, before Judaism. In fact many of modern church practices (the use of candles, incense, etc.) were derived from the more ritualistic services of paganism. The Church’s view on homosexuality is clear and concise. Clarity is usually beneficial in most situations. But the passion at which the Church argues that these acts of homosexuality are “wrong” has a direct relationship to the amount of discrimination that exists in the wider society. One might even go so far as to argue that it could be the one of the underlying factors in the higher rate of suicide in gay teens. It an absolutely appalling statistic that approximately 30% of GLBT youths will attempt suicide. The Church is also used as a justification for violent and discriminatory acts. Matthew Shepherd’s death is a tragic example of the extent to which fear and text can motivate someone. Imagine if it were you, tied to a fence post, beaten to a bloody pulp and left to die. Why? Merely because of the colour of your skin, the type of men you found attractive, your religion, your political beliefs, the way in which you desired to express your sexuality and who you were as a person.

This cycle of discrimination has to be stagnated. If not for the safety of the GLBT community, but so that we can function and develop as a species. The Church had made its stance loud and clear, but there must be logical and rational Christians and Catholics that see the flaw and larger consequences that this stance creates, not only for homosexuals, but for the wider human society.“Homosexuality is a lifestyle choice.” -Wrong. Homosexuality is not a choice of lifestyle, but more of a part of a person perceives himself or herself to be. Modern psychology states that homosexuality is at least 30-70% genetic, therefore it can’t simply be argued that a man or woman wakes up one morning and decides that from this point in their lives that they will be homosexual. This is not to be confused with a period of discovery that many homosexuals undertake, but as Erikson defined in his stages of psychological development that all teens undergo this stage when they are attempting to find themselves and who they are as a person. The detrimental influence of society also creates this fear amongst many of today’s youth that instills into them a fear of being themselves. Not only around their peers, but also with family and even by themselves. Hiding from one self may also lead to many psychological problems in latter life. 

I have just started on a new project which I’m really excited about but can’t reveal much. You’ll know about it in a few months.

Anyway, it’s sad that there’s only 26 days left to the end of exchange. As much as I’d love to be back in Singapore to see Tim (and the rest of my dear friends), I’m also upset that I’m gonna leave this life. Somehow, I feel that I’m more of the real me here, having no inhibitations, living the way I’ve always wanted to live and being the me I’ve always wanted to be. I don’t have to be afraid of people judging me, don’t have to behave ‘correctly’ and I can pretty much say and do whatever I want. I’ll also miss living in a student accommodation. You can walk out of your room at any time of the day and find someone there always. There’s always new things to discover about everyone. We have endless topics to talk about despite the language barrier. I’m glad that I’ve forged stronger friendships even in my last month here. By stronger friendships, I don’t mean the hi-bye friends I meet in Akademien every Wednesday but people in the house. I used to think Julia is cold and rude like the typical Germans. I even thought she didn’t like me much because of the lack of interaction between us. But after the booze cruise, I realised she’s really easy to speak to – you just have to give people a chance before you start stereotyping them. We started having little girly pillow talks and partying together. Kudy has been a great friend too. I’ve spent the past few nights chatting and watching movies with him till wee hours of the morning. Tired as I am the next day, I’ve enjoyed our conversations a lot and some things we spoke about are thought provoking and set me thinking. We have actually gone beyond being ’superficial’ friends.

As we were talking about parents of our other halves, this thought came to my mind. I don’t know how true this is but I realised that out of the past few parents I’ve met, those boyfriends who are the only son in the family actually have parents that treat me better than the one who had two other brothers. It all started with Nic. I was fifteen then. His mother didn’t like me much because of my colored hair. I wasn’t exactly the girlfriend to bring home back then and was a bit of the wild child in the early stages of rebellion. However, I believe I was brought up well and still know what manners are and the way to behave infront of a boyfriend’s mother. After Nic put in some good words for me, she began talking to me and fell in love with me too. It was really nice being together with him and his family almost everyday. He’d always call his parents up when we ran out of money and his dad would fetch us from wherever we were and the four of us would head off for a cosy family dinner together.

After Nic came Leo. I was glad when he told me that I am the first girlfriend (out of 22) that his father actually liked. But that’s probably because I’m his only girlfriend who is not an uneducated ah lian. Heh. He was an English speaking ah beng back then. Love it when he tries to speak Mandarin! So his mum was extremely nice to me as well. She pampers me almost as much as she pampers Leo. I’d help her with all the pastry making before CNY and she’d always cook curry for me because I told her it’s my favourite dish of hers. We’ve been in contact for all of these 6 years after Leo and I broke up. I meet her for lunch every now and then and sometimes visit her at home when Leo’s girlfriend is not around. When I do remember, I’ll send a card over on her birthday or remind Leo about it because he is terrible with dates and numbers.

Joshua’s Mum was probably the first bitchy mother I’ve met. It was scary when she started bitching about the last girlfriend and how she made her sweep the whole house etc. Err, I was thinking I’d better not offend her else I’d die a horrible death. She was one I knew if I were to ever marry Josh, I’d never stay together with her. It’s not like I don’t like her but you know, familiarity breeds contempt. Luckily Josh and I didn’t work out. Maybe because we were a little older, they treated me like their daughter-in-law, paid for my trip to BKK so I don’t stay alone in SGP while they were away and made me join all the 123123 extended family outings (which I really enjoyed). Josh’s Mum wasn’t as easy to please. She was neutral towards me but after helping with the cooking and to set the table before meals 123123 times and joining/interacting with the family in the living room instead of what typical girlfriends do – hide in the bf’s room – they love me more and more. (Hazel, I hope you are reading this ‘cos you wanted to know how to please Cay’s parents. ) We were on such good terms that I often went out with the rest of his family and extended family without him. Too bad Josh was sucha jerk else it would have been great.

When the last three breakups happened, I could get over the guys fairly easily but it’s the family that I couldn’t get over. I really miss those times together as a family. Sometimes, I wonder if I’m in love with the guy or their family. There were times when I knew we wouldn’t be able to make it together but because of their family, I stayed on in the relationship. It’s not the correct thing to do but trust me, if you lack family warmth as a kid, these things will appeal to you and affect your decision a lot. The guilt I felt when I broke up with Josh was terrible, especially so because it was straight after the BKK trip. I didn’t wanna go for it anymore but Josh begged me to so as not to disappoint his parents. I think it is worse for me that I went and break up after. They would have thought I was just waiting for the free trip before breaking up. I think I owe them an apology. They were so nice to me yet I had to disappoint them and break their son’s heart… I think this whole family warmth thing is the reason why I want to get married so much and start my own family. I want to give my kids the warmth I never had and hopefully I will be able to feel that warmth again myself. Sometimes, I felt I yearned too much for the warm and fuzzy feeling that it made me a little confused. I was actually unsure if I was more in love with the idea of love and the things that might come after or the guy himself. It was almost as though I was just making use of the guy to get what I want.

Bah. This was supposed to be about being the only child/son but I don’t know how it turned into this. Joanne never ever keeps to her point. Just so I end off with what I started… Jason’s mum treated me a random woman. I guess she was used to her three sons bringing girlfriends back home and didn’t really care much about them. I was just ‘one of them’ and I didn’t like it at all. When you have three sons, you probably have to divide the love for each girlfriend by three so there wasn’t much left. After evaluating the four, I realised that the mothers who were especially nice are so probably because

1. My bf is their only precious son so they love whatever their son loves.
2. They didn’t have a lot of kids to shower their love on.
3. They want to see their son get married one day and didn’t want to eliminate the possibility of me being their daughter-in-law so they were nice – just in case I would not want to marry if they weren’t.
4. None of the above. They really liked me for me which is why they were nice. Heh.

I’m too tired to continue.

This year, I find that I am especially thankful for warmth.

We needed to replace our furnace last week, and were without heat in our home (aside from some space heaters) for three nights.  Temperatures around here that week were below freezing (around the mid twenties Fahrenheit).  It was an uncomfortable few days.

My personal thermostat is generally about 10 degrees cooler than that of most people; I’ve always liked it cold.  Still, I have little children and a wife who likes it warm, and I couldn’t help but feel incompetent for not taking care of them better.

So now we have a new, much more efficient furnace.  Nobody got sick because of the time in the cold, but it could have been a lot worse.

I’m thankful for the pair of guys who put the new furnace in.  It might have been easy to look down on them as they did their “grunt” work, but they were professional, competent and performed a service I couldn’t have done.  To be honest, they probably have far better reason to look down on me for sitting at a desk all day, making a game.

I’m thankful none of us got sick.

I’m thankful for a kind wife who didn’t yell at me, even though I felt I deserved it.

I’m thankful that I have a job that allows me to have the money to pay for the new furnace.  We’re not top wage earners, but we have enough for our needs, and we live within our means.  I’m thankful that is possible, and that my family has a history of financial prudence.

…

As always, I also have tangential thoughts.

One, it’s always nice to be thanked.  There’s a rush of satisfaction and warmth that comes with genuine thanks, and it can warm the soul like few other things can.  There is also the personal peace that comes with living a life worthy of being thanked.  There’s also a special kind of warmth that comes from doing things worth being thanked for, but doing them anonymously.

Two, I remember a moment of contrast that reminds me of those cold nights.

I was a missionary for the LDS church in Alabama for two years.  (My little brother is going to the same mission here in a couple of weeks, curiously enough.)  I spent a few months in the bowels of Birmingham.  A couple of white guys in the inner city of a Deep Southern town just didn’t fit in.  There were genuinely scary moments, and some genuinely threatening people.  (Of course, some saw us as a threat as well, albeit in a slightly different light.)

I was young, preoccupied, and somewhat scared the day that we walked past a fellow sleeping in a doorwell.  He looked rather disheveled, and probably asleep.  It wasn’t cold at that time of the year, but when you’re sleeping on cement in the shadow, with only a single blanket, you’re not going to be comfortable.  His skin happened to be darker than mine, his appearance far less presentable.

And I was afraid of him.

I don’t know his story, and I may never know.  We walked on by, and didn’t bother him.  We didn’t speak of it, so I can’t speak for my companion, but there were warring factions in my mind and heart.  My mission was to uplift and serve.  I wanted to help the fellow in whatever way I could.

But I was afraid.

Perhaps he was a drunk, sleeping off a binge.  Maybe he would wake up blindly swinging.  And what would he think of a couple of white boys in Sunday attire, rousing him from his nap?  We had more than our share of racial tensions to deal with when people saw us coming from a distance.  Up close and personal might be even more dangerous.  As missionaries, we also had our share of religious bigotry to deal with, and layered on top of racial and sociopolitical tensions, we could be in some very tight situations.  A guy sleeping in a doorway just presented a lot of unknowns.

I wanted to help, but I was afraid.

I didn’t remember Paul:

“For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind” (2 Timothy 1:7)

I didn’t remember the lessons of the Good Samaritan.

I was just afraid.  And now, over a dozen years later… I am cold.

It is a terrible, bitter cold, when one is left to wonder “am I that Levite?” or “why didn’t I help?”  As I’ve noted elsewhere, charity to me is a way of life, a set of actions guided by a pure love of your fellow beings.  As one man put it:

Charity is the pure love of Christ

It’s not a check to an Organization, or a handful of coins in the Salvation Army bucket on your way out the door with a hundred dollars’ worth of food.  It’s not something done for attention, tax breaks, or donor perks.  It’s simply something you do because it’s the right thing to do, it’s very personal, and it’s more about the giving than the receiving, even receiving thanks.  It’s about doing the right thing, no matter what.

So yes, I am grateful for a lot of things.  I’ve tried to live a life where other people can be grateful for my existence.  I don’t always get it right, and I’m thankful for those who forgive me when I mess up.

You have to move on in life and not get stuck in past mistakes… but you have to learn from them, too.  So what would I do today in the same position?

What would you do?

Hopefully, something worth being thanked for, even if nobody ever actually thanks you.  Something to bring some warmth to someone else.

Happy Thanksgiving, y’all.

There are a million different ways by which we look into our emotions. Some easily access their emotions and declare it, others a little more shy and others don’t even know what to call any of their feelings.

I fall on the latter. Though I can easily name anger/rage, I had difficulty understanding ideas of warmth, happiness, and love. These constructs to me are very much like what the trinity is to the Catholic Church, a mystery. There was a period in my life that I tried grasping these concepts through logic, by evaluating the manifestations of it in music, movies, tv shoes, and real life observations. I gathered enough journal entries to probably conduct a content analysis of it.

However, this ’scientific’ knowledge, i knew, would not make me ‘feel’ the said emotions. Hence, the exercise is moot. I’ve mulled over the question of recognition—recognizing the emotion.

I realized this was not a point. That the best way to experience the said emotions is to simply open myself to life and live, and know that in doing so i will be able to appreciate the emotion. Overanalyzing doesn’t get you there.

-eM

Here are some of my tips for staying warm at the yard!

Wear Ski Pants instead of waterproofs/over trousers – for the last couple of years I’ve been using ski pants (or salapettes) instead of a thin and not very warm pair of waterproofs or expensive riding over trousers. I never really liked full chaps because they still let your bum get wet! Yesterday I went into TK Maxx (Halifax store) and treated myself to two new pairs of Ski Pants – £30 each. Both waterproof, both snuggly warm, and then I wore one pair to the yard with only my knick nacks underneath – toasty! Make sure you buy waterproof ones and check that there are no zips on the inside of the legs. I’ve never needed half chaps underneath to avoid rubbing, and when it gets really cold you can layer up underneath too. Great for all things horsey, just don’t get white!

Get a Choob – again in TK Maxx (deadly place) I found this thing called a Choob. You can wear it on your head or around your neck. Much safer than a scarf because there are no flappy ends to get caught, and less bulky but still warm. Of course, I bought a hi viz one, but I’m sure it comes in other colours. You can also get similar things in fleece but these tend to be a bit bulkier.

Cover your ears – Ok. Big woolly hats are not the worlds sexiest items of clothing. But they do have their benefits. People lose a lot of their body heat through the head, so it’s important to keep this part of your body warm. Making sure your ears are covered too makes a big difference to how warm you feel.

Invest in a good jacket – I confess to using ski wear here too on occaision; I hated skiing, so the jacket needs to get used somewhere! TK Maxx will probably do well out of this, but they have a great range of ski jackets too. I also have a fantastic riding jacket – it’s a Shires Calgary, in hi viz of course. I love it, and it quickly became one of my Must-Haves last year. It’s seriously warm without being overly bulky, and there is a good mix of reflective and fluorescent material which means I don’t need to put a tabard on over the top. When buying a jacket, make sure you check that it is WATERPROOF, rather than water resistant. Also make sure it gives you enough room to move; I find that I don’t need the vents in the back of my jacket, but I do need the room across my shoulders. It’s worth ensuring that the sleeves will overlap your gloves, and that you can fit several layers on underneath.

Layer up – lots of thin layers are better than one thick layer, because they trap more air which means greater insulation. Look in the supermarkets for cheap long sleeved tops and thin fleeces. It’s also great to be able to whip (no pun intended!) a layer off if you find yourself getting too warm. Body warmers/gilets can be great here too. You can use tights instead of thermals, but remember that thermals are designed for the job.

Gloves - Again, thin layers can be better than thick. My all time favourite gloves are the Roeckl Chester gloves, and I have the lined winter ones too. Generally they do just fine – but they aren’t waterproof and if it’s really cold, I’m better off putting my hands in my pockets! [I don't recommend that on a skittish horse] I have a pair of SealSkinz, which I love too. They’re quite bulky (and for a cheaper alternative look to ski gloves) but great for yard work and I can ride in them easily. You may find it beneficial to get a thinner pair of reins for winter riding so you don’t end up with too much bulk in your hands. Test the grip on any pair of gloves you think about buying – you don’t want to find that you have no grip on the reins!

Hand Warmers – worth having a pair of these in your coat pocket. I believe Tesco sell them now, but most saddleries do too. You’re probably looking at about £5 for a pair, but they are multi-use and instant heat. Bliss.

Get a kettle – this might sound silly, and obvious, but keep a kettle on the yard, with tea/coffee/squash/hot chocolate as appropriate. Not only will it allow you to warm yourself from the inside out, but you can hold the mug and warm your hands too. If you don’t have a power supply – a flask will stand you in good stead so invest in a decent one.

Socksies – Similar to wearing lots of thin layers, a couple of pairs of thin socks (and room in your boots!) is better than thick socks and your feet feeling a bit squashed. I like to wear some thin Tesco-special cotton socks, and a pair of ski tubes/long riding socks over the top.

Emergency kit! - Being cold, wet, hungry and probably needing to pee as a result, is thoroughly miserable. I like to keep a full change of clothes and footwear in the car along with a towel just incase I do get drenched. A torch (thus reducing the likelihood of going bum over bust into the mud) and some spare gloves and a hat never go amiss either. Possibly the most important thing in my kit – a bar of chocolate. Yummy.