THURSDAY, 9/10

Day 8.

I tap danced last night for the very first time in my life! The class was at the Dance Academy on La Brea just south of Wilshire. It was super fun. Since I was 8 years old, I’ve wanted to take tap. I remember pining outside the dance rooms at the Westside YMCA watching other little girls in their clickity clackity shoes. I was so envious.

I don’t know why I never did it when I was younger. My parents had us in all kinds of activities. Perhaps they wanted to raise girls with an edge- girls who could compete in a ‘mans’ world? Maybe. We played soccer, baseball and swam. We didn’t dance.

When I called the dance school, the woman over the phone told me to bring my Sketchers, since I didn’t have any tap shoes and I quote, ‘a sense of humor’.

I have no idea if I was doing the steps right. When you’re wearing tennis shoes you can’t really hear if your toe is tapping or your heel is. I just went with it, like Chevy Chase in European Vacation at the Octoberfest festival.

I loved looking at myself in the mirror. This eating super healthy is really paying off. Never mind the tightness in my head, the pulling of my internal organs or the strange sounds coming from my underbelly; I am really seeing a difference. My hair was pulled up in the ballerina bun and my bejeweled silver Sketchers were rubbing away on the dance floor.

There was a woman in the class who was also a first timer. In her also having inappropriate shoes, we connected.

I will go back next week and this morning as I watered the lawn (since it is Thursday LA and we’re rationing water now), I practiced my shuffle. Yes. Again in my tennis shoes.

**

When I decided to come back to LA from New York and rekindle my relationship with my husband, I made a decision that we would make sure we filled our home with music, people, laughter and community. This was the deal. When Rich and I were in our last home in SF, we didn’t do that and it was too quiet and not the life I wanted to lead. I refused to come back into living together if our home was so isolating this time around.

We are both in agreement about having an open home, which I am super excited about. I think the challenge in that is that we both want it and at the same time, we both aren’t that great at creating it. Go figure.

I’ve been back now for just over a week. With the moving, unpacking and getting settled in, we haven’t really had people over. My family has been over of course since they live 5 minutes away, but they don’t really count as visitors because they’re family…and the fact that they stayed for only 20 minutes…to appease me.

My plan is to have a music salon once a month where musician friends and non-musician friends gather and have a great time. I love the idea of being in a community of creative people and knowing I was able to bring us all together. Pretty awesome. I am thinking I will also make each month a theme where we help raise awareness or money for something important. Like mountain gorillas in Uganda or artists who have a plan to make an album.

The idea of putting this thing on for a greater purpose than satisfying me is probably a necessity if it’s going to flourish. I am determined to have our first one this month.

**

I feel pretty blasé about my career path today. I listened to Tony Robbins again this morning on my power walk. I felt energized but I also got clear that I don’t really have a plan. I know what I want, which is great, but I need a plan. And truthfully, I need to sit my ass down and write one out.

On my walk this morning I remembered a vision I had a long time ago. I would find a way to connect with Diane Warren, one of the world’s top song writer’s today. She would be my mentor and I would study with her. We’d write music together and she’d help me navigate my songwriting career. I remember being so excited by it all.

I never did anything in terms of action beyond thinking about it; getting all excited and then letting the idea fade away.

I’ve also had the vision that I’d work with John Legend. And funny enough, I’ve been in two situations where we’ve had an opportunity to talk and both times, I’ve done the stupid thing of getting all excited and forgetting who I am, how to speak and the fact that I am an artist and songwriter too.

How I screwed it up (TWICE) with John Legend.

A Dateline special if you will.

I was in Amsterdam the night before my two shows there that week. I had recently completed my first album and some promoters there had heard it magically through the internet. They had flown me over to perform and just by chance, John Legend was also performing in the Netherlands. The promoter asked me if I wanted to go to his concert since he knew his promoter.

‘Hell yeah!’ I shrieked. No point in trying to hide my excitement.

After the show, we went back stage and hung out with everyone. I remember feeling like I had made it. I look back now and laugh but then, I was in the midst of great musicians who were living in their craft. And I was one of them. I had been flown over to Holland to perform my very own music. It was an amazing time. As we walked to John’s dressing room with my CD in my sweaty hand, the promoter coached me on connecting with him, telling him about what I do and sharing my music with him.

I have no recollection of what happened when he opened his door. All records indicate the perpetrator (me) freaked out, babbling unintelligible words. We’ve been able to piece together a record of the conversation for you tonight. A warning. What you’re about to hear may not be appropriate for artist’s who are looking for advice about speaking to artist’s more established than themselves.

John Legend (JL): Hey. How are you?

Sad Ass Monique (SAM): (Silence. She grips her CD so tightly her fingers turn white.)

JL: (Confused) Did you enjoy the show?

SAM: Uhhh…brei…. (silence) [pan in on SAM’s brow. It is furled and she appears as a deer in headlights]

JL: (Looks at his watch and wipes the back of his neck with the white towel in his hand) Well, thanks for coming out…

SAM: Okay. (see her sense of relief that she’s been able to get a word out)

JL: Alright. Take care. (shuts dressing room door)

[Cue dramatic music when SAM realizes what’s just happened]

SAM: (Starts to cry and leaves her CD at the base of his door. Walks away quickly.)

I probably looked like the million other crazy ass women who meet him and obviously didn’t accomplish what I wanted to accomplish- presenting myself as a cool, calm and collected colleague and possible collaborator.

It was more than embarrassing and I remember the promoter of my show looking at me in disbelief once I told her what happened.

I had the chance to redeem myself on the red carpet of the Soul Train Awards that next year in LA. My publicist at the time finagled me onto the red carpet. There he was! John Legend was ten feet ahead of me on the same red carpet. My heart dropped. Not a good sign. I remember thinking, ‘This is it. There is a God. I can redeem myself.’

No.

Apparently, I could not.

My publicist tried to re-introduce me to him, but I think his publicist basically told my publicist that that would not be happening. I’m going to assume it had nothing to do with what happened in Amsterdam. I’m sure he didn’t remember.

Sweat poured down my back in my pink blouse and my cheeks were rosy from trying my darndest to smile through the fear of ‘what the fuck am I doing on this carpet?’

**

This was a long time ago. At least it feels like it. 2006 or so. A lot has changed. The dream to be on the world stage still calls out to me and I ask it all the time, what do you want me to say?

I sometimes wonder if I haven’t made it yet because I haven’t gotten clear on what I am here to do. Actually, that’s not true.

I feel I am here to help people find their voices. My husband who I am quoting as the success coach that he is says the thing we struggle with the most in life is really our greatest gift to others. So, the fact that I have struggled so much with finding my voice, speaking my voice…the fact that I’ve chosen singing as a profession and now writing these days…obvious tools to express my voice, let me know that there is some truth in that.

I guess I have misconceptions of what it means to be in Hollywood. I feel like someone with my purpose doesn’t have a place in that spotlight. I have this fear that with the purpose I feel I’m here for, I’ll be wearing long mismatched kourtas from India and hold workshops on Freeing your Inner Goddess or Speak Freedom Now for fat women in their 50’s for $200 a day. It’s pathetic.

I want to dazzle people. I want to shine on a platform that is larger than I can imagine. I want to feel like who I am and what I do means something. I want success. I want fulfillment. I want a career.

**

Well that just sobered me up…from what? I don’t know. But it brings me back to making a plan. I’m gonna create my plan today or tomorrow and I’ll put it up on the blog to help keep me accountable.

That’s it today.

The whole point of starting my blog was to let my frustrations of organic gardening out. I’ve been sidetracked and let loose on other topics. But I have plenty of stories about my chemical free experience waiting to be let out.

In the meantime, I’ve tried to post a few of the websites I’ve been frequenting under the Blogroll, of course, not all the links are related to organic gardening.

Especially with the mandatory water rationing coming up in July, I wanted to post a few blogs to help others get ready for next year. Unfortunately, by the time I made my rain barrels and had them set up, Spring was upon us! I only had a couple of days of rain, so at least they were “used“!

Planting native plants should be done late fall/ early spring, so although I strongly don’t recommend planting this summer, especially with the water shortage (since new plantings will need water for the first year to establish themselves), I hope people will make use of the information I’ll post to consider planning for fall.

Until then…

Yesterday we wrote about an extreme marathon in temperatures as low as minus 30 degrees celsius – well today we have gone to the other extreme, plus 42 degrees celsius.

In a strict sense this is not s true marathon of 26.2 miles – no this is the Marathon des Sables, an ultra marathon and here there seems to be some dispute about the actual distance. When you look at the video below they refer to 212 kms, whereas Wikipedia talks of the race being 254 kms, but the official website says it is 243 kms!! Lets just agree it is a long way, an ultra marathon, an extreme marathon.

Here are some other facts about the race scheduled for the end of March 2009 and ending April 6th;

• it is run in the Moroccan part of the Sahara desert;
• approximately 700 competitors from as many as 32 nations;
• all personal food must be carried by the competitor;
• water is provided but rationed;
• a six day race with daily distances of 24, 34, 38, 82, 42 and 22 kms;
• registration cost about 2,550 euros;
• extreme mental stamina required;
• considered to be the toughest foot race in the world;
• to date two deaths recorded.

That should whet your appetite but don’t worry, you have plenty of time to prepare – the 2009 race is already fully booked. For further details the official website is www.darbaround.com

Below is a video of the 2006 Marathon des Sables from ohara7