As you probably know by now, Jay Leno is leaving The Tonight Show, and Conan will be taking over as host.  I love Conan, so this makes me very happy.  Jay Leno fans also have something to be happy about–now they won’t have to stay up so late to see him as he’ll be starting a new talk show, set to air weekdays at 10pm.

In honor of this momentous historical occasion (hee hee), I’ve written some commemorative poetry…

Goodbye Jay, Hello Conan (The Tonight Show)
by Edie Montgomery-Pool
 

Goodbye, Jay
I never watched you anyway
Your jokes aren’t really my style
They rarely made me crack a smile
 

Conan – hi!
You’re a funny funny guy
The moment I heard you’d be the new star
I programmed you into my DVR

And for those of you who like funny haikus (and who doesn’t love a funny haiku)…

Jay Leno Leaves The Tonight Show
by Edie Montgomery-Pool

 

So long, Jay Leno
Your giant chin will fill my
TV screen no more

_______________

(You may reproduce this poem in part or whole, on or in a website, email, podcast, or broadcast; permission for electronic reproduction is granted on the provision that the website on which the poem is published is not a vanity publisher or a scam poetry contest which requires its “winners” to make a purchase or pay a fee before being published. You may also reproduce this poem in print material for which net profits do not exceed $1,000. Author name must be included in any reproductions, and author must be notified whenever this poem is, or parts of this poem are, used. For all other uses not mentioned here, just ask and I will most likely say yes.)

I like funny poetry, and I like weird poetry, so of course I absolutely love Roald Dahl’s poetry.  I recently came across a poem of his I hadn’t seen before called Little Red Riding Hood and the Wolf.  Here’s an excerpt:

He sat there watching her and smiled.
He thought, I’m going to eat this child.
Compared with her old Grandmamma
She’s going to taste like caviar.

Visit the link to read the entire poem or go to amazon.com to view a list of Roald Dahl’s poetry books, including Revolting Rhymes and Vile Verses.

A poem by moi…

I Need You
by Edie Montgomery-Pool

 

hold me

      until i

            suffocate

 

crush me

      leave no bone

            unturned

 

self hatred

      is my

            savior

 

but i cannot

      destroy

            this thing called me

                  alone

 

                        i need you

_______________

(You may reproduce this poem in part or whole, on or in a website, email, podcast, or broadcast; permission for electronic reproduction is granted on the provision that the website on which the poem is published is not a vanity publisher or a scam poetry contest which requires its “winners” to make a purchase or pay a fee before being published. You may also reproduce this poem in print material for which net profits do not exceed $1,000. Author name must be included in any reproductions, and author must be notified whenever this poem is, or parts of this poem are, used. For all other uses not mentioned here, just ask and I will most likely say yes.)

The most intense pain I’ve ever felt in my life awoke me at midnight on Tuesday night/Wednesday morning. What ensued can only be described as a vomitathon, and by 2:00 am, my husband was asking me if I wanted to go to the hospital.  I refused, thinking it had to be over soon.  

By 4:00 am, with no relief from the pain or the marathon of vomiting, I agreed to be taken to E.R., where I sat in the waiting room, crying in pain and hobbling back and forth to the restroom to barf my guts out.  The nurse didn’t see me until I’d been there for about a half hour, asked me some questions, then sent me back to the waiting room!!  The waiting room was empty, by the way, except for 1 mentally ill guy who alternated between mimicking my cries of pain and randomly shouting out things like “mentally ill!”

(Yes, we know.)

By about 5:30 I finally got a bed, by 10:00 I’d been diagnosed with gallstones and an infected gallbladder and scheduled for surgery, and by 2:00 pm, I was on the operating table.

So my week has been kind of rough.  I’m just glad it was something straight-forward and that I got the surgery I needed right away.  I’m at home undergoing a slow recovery now.  I usually don’t like to use medication, not even aspirin when I have a headache, but let me tell you, morphine and darvocet are my new best friends.

So, just to be weird (and perhaps because I’m high), I decided to google the keywords gallbladder and poetry together.  To my surprise, I got some hits.  Like this poem called Ode to my Gall Bladder by BJ Swartz:

Little organ holding bile,
Since you have become so vile,
Causing me to ache and pout,
I am going to put you out!

You can read the entire poem at the link above.  There is even a book from another author called Gallbaldder Poetry listed on amazon.com, but it is currently out of stock.  (Oh darn.)

Alternate forms of happiness
In the winter chill
In nature’s ultimate skill
In a free fall thrill
And a dollar bill

Alternate forms of happiness
In the mad house in town
In the pretty new black gown
When you’re up and down
With a shiny broken crown

Alternate forms of happiness
In the chirpy talk talk talk
And the fluttery dancy walk
Behold the slender stalk
Right now, Cease the squawk

Alternate forms of happiness
In dreams and the nightly tale
Under the soft silk veil
And the tunnel on the trail
And a pink glass of ale

One, two, three
The clock ticks, the mind flicks
Splendid tales of then
Pieces of paper today..
Crumble.
The sand drains out,
Slowly, swiftly…
Slipping out of hands
The hourglass demands…
Time up.
Trying to catch up,
Stagnant, sluggish clan
Laborious attempts to
Complain and fight back
Fade out.

Wrong words said at a wrong time
Overflowing words in expectations of silence
Silence when you long for some noise
Opinions, when listening is your job
Listening, filled with interruptions
Time, lost in a battle of nothing
Emptiness, vaccum,
The remains of a war.
Time, lost in apologies.
Apologies, words wasted
Patches where emptiness resides.
Me, you, him, her
Reactions, replicas
Me and myself
Crystal clear, thoughts pure
Me, my listener
My poet
Me and myself
Drunk, clean, high
High above, unreachable.
In peace, me and myself.

Look… into my eyes
Not here, not there, look straight my dear
I’m watching you, and I can see you
That blind stare wont get you here
That blind stare filled with fear
That blind stare without a tear.

You’re crying inside, its so easy to tell
You’re shattered by that haunting knell
I’m watching you, and I can see you
Helpless, in your fears you dwell
Your prayers wont spare you
You’re going to hell.

Pity… in my eyes
In a way I’m laughing at your state
I’m watching you, and I can see you
Quietly accepting your fate
You cry, you scream, yet you dont complain
And I guess thats what you can do, for now its too late.