I am fucking exhausted. I hate my job. I sat through a messy Pirates loss in the 10th at Dodger Stadium over the weekend. The Penguins are out of the playoffs. I’m stuck here watching the Laker-Suns game, my laptop is burning my thighs, we’re out of Diet Cherry Pepsi here at TSW headquarters, and quite frankly, I have fucking cramps.

So what does that mean for you, dear gentle Ladies reader?

I am tired and I’m trotting out the hits. The Google hits.

Hotties that you, the readers, the stalkers, and the frisky type into the search field and push the “I’m feeling lucky” button and end up with here at Ladies.

Pandering? Abso-fucking-lutely yes.

On Top of the Google Hits list With a bullet – Michael Phelps

If we had nothing but pictures of Michael Phelps up every day, we’d be one of the busiest sports blogs on the planet. (We’d also get more use out of the “Welcome to WeHo” tag.)

Before you get lost trying to imagine what the bottom of that tattoo looks like without that troublesome swimsuit, be sure to check out the “More Questions with Phelps” interview posted the other day on Time.com.

Number 2 on our Googly List – Adam Haluska

Ok, I have to admit Adam is not really my taste. Too “Children of the Corn” for me, even for someone who plays for Iowa.

But hey, since we last checked in with him he’s been named Iowa’s MVP and got ready for the draft.

Hey, did someone ask for another swimmer at #3 in our Gogol-Yahooy post? Number 3 – Ryan Lochte

He recently took down one of the fastest swimmers on the planet.

He’s doing the right thing and inspiring young swimmers like had had been inspired in his youth.

(I also think he’s cuter than Phelps.)

I really don’t have anything else, so please enjoy this extra large picture of his pecs. Marvel at how bright his tattoo is, despite swimming all the time. (How did he do that? I got my first ink 15 years ago and it faded that very night from some ill-advised pool-hopping.)

The GogoJeeves hits get muddled after these top three, and on any given day it could be Joakim Noah, Wyc Grousbeck, Barry Zito, or Pam Oliver in a fight for fourth place.

Not on the list, but I am posting his picture just because I just watched him kiss his biceps has he humiliates Kobe and Crew. (And it is my Wednesday H&R post and I can change the rules at the end if I want to.)

Steve Nash

About time we made “tongue wagging” tag.

“Point / Counterpoint – David Beckham” is our first in a series of debates over controversial hotties. TheStarterWife will be taking the point position on Beckham. Since none of the Ladies were willing to defend Becks, we’ve fired up the Fanfic Autobot 3000* to take the pro-Becks counterpoint.

(*Fanfic Autobot 3000 = a brave, brave Holly trolling fanfic sites.) [I swear, these are all lifted verbatim. All [sic]s implied. Can I get a medal?–H]

Point – Beckham isn’t scheduled to start play in America for another five months, but if you open up the current Rolling Stone magazine, there is a special insert ad and sample of his cologne, Instinct. (It smells very similar to Ralph Lauren’s Polo, which is already the official scent of suburban malls everywhere.) How can he be considered a “brand” here in the States when the greatest accomplishment Americans know him for is marrying a Spice Girl?

Counterpoint -Him and me… is it love? Sometimes it feels like it. When he finds me with a perfect cross, knowing exactly where I’ll be as though he’s reading my mind, and I just have to touch the ball it to make it fly effortlessly into the back of the net, and I run across the pitch, arms spread wide, and it feels like I’m flying, and he flings his arms around me, and the crowd goes wild… then it feels like love.

Point -Beckham is so worried about his “brand”, that he generally plays in long-sleeve shirts as to hide the many tattoos on his arms as not to offend any fans who may consider the markings indecent. Don’t Americans celebrate the unique? (One of the tattoos is supposed to say “Victoria” in Hindi, but is misspelled. That type of stupidity is usually saved for 20-year old girls tattooing Chinese symbols on their ankles or Britney Spears.)

Counterpoint -“I thought he was just a bit upset or something; I never thought that he felt like a damsel!”

“Um. Yes,” said Roberto. “When I said he felt like a damsel I meant he felt ‘unmanly’, not that he wanted to wear ribbons or skirts or something.”

“He wears those already,” Luis pointed out.

Point -Beck’s on the field toughness does not impress the local Los Angeles talent, as seen here in this interview with South Central rapper, The Game.

“I’d kick David Beckham’s ass on any given day,” the Game said when asked about Beckham. “I’d just pick the ball up and kick the shit out of the stadium, game over.”

How do you win over a gangsta’ nation that sees soccer as a kids’ sport that lacks the toughness of the NFL, NHL, or NBA?

Counterpoint - Your leg still bothering you?’ I asked, ever the observant captain, picking up immediately on his slight limp. He stared at me almost defiantly for a moment – he’s almost as sick of having his fitness questioned as I am – but then he grinned at me.

‘Why don’t you come and have a look?’ he asked innocently. I smiled, sat down on the bed next to him, and rested my hand on his injured thigh.

And there was no more football talk for a while..

Point – I don’t remember this scene in Taxi Driver.

Counterpoint – Long unsure about his own sexuality Ian said, ” You ok David”?

Becks was startled. He turned. He so wanted to have sex with a colleague but what would the papers say?

Point – Your wife, Victoria, has already filmed a six-episode reality/unscripted comedy series for NBC about your move to Los Angeles. (Although word on the street is that she comes across dumber than Jessica Simpson.) This may be the first time that an active athlete, much less his wife, has taken the spotlight outside of the playing field on prime time television in the US. Do you worry about how this will affect the relationship Victoria has with the other footballer wives? And a follow up, could this lead to “Anna Benson” type problem with the Galaxy’s owners AEG, albeit on a larger scale?

Counterpoint – It’s very quiet in the bathroom. Back in the bedroom, there’d been music, a pulsing, dreamy kind of trance playing, and they’d been drinking strawberry flavoured vodka. He’d asked for lager but David just poured the clear liquid out into a heavy crystal shot glass anyway and held it to his mouth until he drank. The first sweet, heady taste insinuated itself over his tongue and made him giggle, and after that he’d felt light and sort of silly, so that when David had whispered what he wanted to do, lips close against his ear, it didn’t seem so strange to agree.

Point – Questions have been raised about Beckham’s health as he gets older and the likelihood that he will be able to play-out all five years of his Galaxy contract. A fair allegation considering that it does not appear that they keep food in the Beckham household.

Counterpoint – ‘I think it’ll be a great match,’ was all he said. I was almost disappointed. But while no one was watching, he ran the lollipop playfully, teasingly, along my bottom lip, and for hours afterwards, I could taste a faint ghost of its sweetness, and in a way, it meant more to me than any words he could possibly have said.

Point – When Beckham moved to Real Madrid, he took number 23 in honor of Michael Jordan. Few players have changed their sports in the manner that Jordan did, but if you talk to footie fans, they will name dozens of players before they reach Beckham. Which says more about his ego: Comparing oneself to Jordan, or taking this picture?

Counterpoint – Under the hot Japanese sun, the glare of the stadium lights, the thunderous crowds and applause, you smiled at me and looked at me with such affection, I knew you truly loved me, most, best, for a moment, and you kissed me, and there it was, the heady rush of thrill like a goal, the feel of your lips on my cheek, and your love. And it was like Niigata again, Niigata, and the Danes, and the romance and excitement of fireflies and rain.

Except… except there was no rain. No fireflies. Not the Danes, only the Brazilians, with their thrust and their samba, and their horrible horrible noise and great, white, grinning teeth.

Point – When it was announced that Beckham was joining the Galaxy, they sold 5000 season tickets in the first week. In context, the greater Los Angeles area has a population of 12.9 million people, which means roughly .000387597 of Angelenos bought tickets. If you include the entire Southland, population 18.08 million people, .000276549 of the population had Beckham fever. Considering the multi-cultural landscape of Los Angeles, including a large Korean, Central and South American population – all of which the Galaxy has tried to woo before – those numbers do not seem that exciting.

Counterpoint – A shirtless Ian rose from his seat on the jacuzzi edge. Steam rose from the hot bubbling bath. He squirted a few drops of baby oil and rubbed it over his muscular chest. He looked through the spy hole and saw Becks desperately waiting for him. He turned the knob. He didn’t have to say ‘in’. Becks knew.

Point – Beckham’s nickname is “Goldenballs”. (And inspired a “Goldenballs” streaker. Would be NSFW, if the guy didn’t have on a sock.) Probably one of the worst nicknames we’ve ever heard.

Counterpoint -I wish that was true. I wished it then, with him curled up asleep against my chest, and I wish it now, lying here in the darkness with him just the other side of this wall, because if it was true, then I’d be able to say to the team, and the press, and the world: I don’t care what you think, I live my life in the way that I choose. This is my wife, and I love her. This is my boyfriend, and I love him too. I play football, and I wear the captain’s armband, and I *win*, so don’t you *dare* judge me…

Point - Private coach to Maddox Pitt-Jolie . Hanging out with TomKat, and having to miss their wedding because Real Madrid ordered him to stay and play. (Which is what he is paid to do in the first place.) For the amount of money he is being paid, are his priorities in the right place?

Counterpoint – “Smells like milkshake, that lippy,” he says gruffly, although the word ‘lippy’ nearly strangles him.

“It’s not lipstick. It’s Lancome’s Juicy Tubes Ultra Shiny Lip Gloss,” David murmurs. “Framboise. Good stuff. Gives a nice wet look, but it’s not too thick.”

Point – Does it bother anyone that we’ve barely mentioned Beckham’s on the field work? That we see him as a sideshow, a distraction and not as an athlete?

Counterpoint – But if a single look from him can make me feel like a god on the ball… then I shouldn’t be surprised when the fear that I’ve lost him makes me feel like I’ll never play again.

I just want him to tell me.

I will. I’ll score again another day. Even if he doesn’t want me anymore.

Even if he never did.

Verdict - Beckham can pout all he wants. We’re not falling for him. Or the hype.