Arya wakes, gets her bearings, and picks up a giant rock lying nearby before sneaking up on the sleeping Hound. She raises the rock above her head, ready to strike, but he wakes and tells her to go ahead and kill him, but if she fails to do so, he’ll break both her hands. She doesn’t kill him, and he doesn’t break her hands, by the look of it.

Later, they’re both riding along and he rather pleasantly tells her that she’s kind of lucky he found her, because far worse men than him could have laid hands on her. She asks him where he’s taking her, thinking they’re on the way back to King’s Landing, and learns that they’re on their way to the Frey place so he can ransom her back to her family.

Dany, Selmy, and Jorah watch as mounted mercenaries arrive at Yunkai. Selmy’s not too concerned, because he thinks sellswords have no honour, but Jorah points out that even men without honour will fight well if they’re paid enough. He tells her these men are called the Second Sons and they’re led by a man named Mero. There are about 2000 of them arriving, and they’re dangerous. Dany tells them to set up a meeting between her and the captains.

Three captains duly arrive for a meeting: Mero (who somehow reminds me of Titus Pullo from Rome, except without any charm whatsoever), some guy whose name I didn’t catch, and Dario, the pretty one. Mero swaggers forth and tries to rattle Dany by pretending to mistake her for some prostitute. He also orders Missy around, but Dany will not be thrown off by this jerk. He offers to give her the Second Sons if she strips and sits on one of their laps, and she responds by telling him to give her the Second Sons and she won’t have him gelded, though if she did I’d say she’s doing the world a favour, genetically speaking. She adds that she has many more soldiers than they do—though she lies about the number, and Dario corrects her. She says it doesn’t matter, because they still have more, but they’d be happy to have the SS join her. Mero grossly sniffs at Missy, who’s disgusted by him, and Dario says that she has no siege weapons. She reminds him that just a few weeks ago she had no army, and a year ago she had no dragons. This girl knows her acquisitions, which is why she’s moving on to mergers. She gives them two days to decide. Mero tells her to show him her ladybits, at which point Grey Worm offers to cut the man’s tongue out. He’s picked up the language quickly, hasn’t he? She tells him to stand down and offers the men a flagon of her wine to take away with them. If anything, she seems amused by this boorish man. They accept a barrel, and Mero slaps Missy on the ass as he leaves. Dany drops the smile and tells Selmy to kill Mero first, after the battle. He’ll be only too happy to do so.

Gendry and Melisandre arrive at Stannis’s place, where they find him in his main strategy room. He takes a hard look at Gendry and declares him half Robert, half lowborn. Melisandre tells the servants to take Gendry to his room. Once he’s gone, Stannis asks what she plans to do with him. Kill him, of course. Stannis asks why she’s bothering to bathe and dress him up, then and she tells him that animals going to the slaughter can’t be frightened, as it spoils the meat. Stannis is starting to look a tad creeped out by this woman.

In the dungeons, Davos is hard at work, practicing his reading on a story about the dragons. Stannis comes down, so he stashes the book. Stannis evidently started listening to his conscience and finally gets around to telling Davos he’s sorry about his son dying and all. He chats about Melisandre bringing Gendry back, and Davos immediately realises that this means bad things for the boy. Davos reminds Stannis that this is his nephew, and he’s done Stannis no harm. Stannis says that he has to, because this is his destiny. Davos asks why he’s there and Stannis says he’s going to free him, as long as he promises never to raise a hand to Melisandre again. Davos says he won’t, but he also guesses that Stannis came to him and told him about Gendry because he knew Davos would council restraint. He urges Stannis not to slaughter this boy.

Yunkai. The captains talk about Dany. Dario is apparently the sensitive one of the bunch and believes in beauty and having sex with women who actually want it. What a softie. He and Noname also don’t think they have a good chance against the hoards of Unsullied. Mero says they don’t need to deal with them, just deal with her. Slit her throat in the middle of the night and the danger is past. They pull coins to decide who does it, and guess who’s gonna be the lucky guy?

Sansa’s being dressed in her room when Tyrion arrives and is admitted by Shae. Apparently it’s wedding time. The two are kind of cutely awkward with each other, and Tyrion asks Poldrick to escort Shae downstairs so he can have a moment alone with his future wife. Off they go, Shae giving him a pretty fierce look as she passes him. Tyrion gently tells Sansa that he didn’t ask for this, and she dully responds that she hopes she won’t disappoint him. He says she doesn’t need to speak to him like a prisoner anymore, and then goes on to awkwardly tell her that he knows how she feels. Letting the mask drop briefly, she says she doubts that very much. He admits she’s right: neither of them have any idea how the other feels. He takes her hand and promises he’ll never hurt her. She smiles at last, and he escorts her downstairs.

The guests are filing into the cathedral and taking their seats. Margaery finds Cersei and tells her how lovely she looks, and then takes her arm in a girlish manner and says they’re going to be sisters soon. The look of ‘woah, what’s this now? Touching me?’ on Cersei’s face is priceless. Cersei takes her down swiftly by reminding her of some old family that got a bit too above itself and was destroyed by her father. Margaery’s smile is firmly frozen in place, until Cersei warns that if she ever calls the queen sister again, she’ll have her strangled. Would you prefer mother-in-law, Cersei?

The doors open and in comes Sansa, ready to walk down the aisle. She pauses at the door, as Joffrey strides over with a smug grin on his face. She asks what he’s doing and he reminds her that her father’s dead, so he gets to give her away at her wedding. Jesus, where dos he come up with this stuff? It’s like he spends all his spare time killing women and thinking of new ways to torture Sansa. They walk up the aisle together (Margaery gives her an encouraging smile as she passes), and as Joffrey leaves Sansa there, he grabs the footstool Tyrion was going to stand on. Nothing is too petty for this little shit. This makes the first bit of the ceremony–the husband symbolically cloaking the bride–rather awkward, and some of the guests titter until a glare from Tywin shuts them up. The wedding continues.

Gendry checks out his plush new digs. In comes Melisandre, who tries to establish a rapport through their shared history of being poor. She pours him some wine and proves it’s not poisoned by drinking it, not that that’s any reassurance with this chick. Not knowing her history, he starts gulping the stuff down. He’s his father’s son, all right. He says that his being there is sort of a mistake, because he only exists because Robert grabbed his mother and not the woman next to her. Melisandre says Robert grabbed his mother because the Lord of Light willed it, and that his blood is powerful. She starts to get really touchy-feely and begins undressing Gendry, saying the LoL wants this. She strips off her own gown and goes on to say that death is coming for everyone, but they can stop it. She leads him to the bed, lies him down, removes his trousers, and starts to have sex with him. And then things take a disturbing 50 Shades turn as she ties him hands and feet to the bed, pulls out some leeches, and starts calmly applying them to his chest and…other areas too. She calmly tells him not to fight, because they won’t take much. The door opens and Stannis strolls in, accompanied by Davos. Melisandre dresses and tells Gendry this is Davos’s doing. He didn’t believe in the power of kingsblood and wanted a demonstration. I don’t think that’s what Davos meant at all, but trust her to twist his meaning. She picks the leeches back up and hands them over to Stannis, who puts them one by one on the burning brazier, one each for Robb, Joffrey, and Balon Greyjoy, the three pretenders to the throne. One of the leeches gorily bursts and spurts blood.

Wedding feast. Tyrion helps himself to a lot of wine while Sansa tries to eat, unsuccessfully. Oleanna tries to work out exactly what their family tree will look like once Loras is married to Cersei and Sansa pops out a kid, which would manage to be Cersei’s and Loras’s nephew and grandchild simultaneously. Loras gets up and stomps out.

Tywin watches his son get very drunk, looking worried. When Tyrion wipes his face on the tablecloth, Sansa excuses herself. As she leaves, Joffrey, with a dangerous look on his face, gets up as well. Cersei suggests he talk to Margaery instead, but he shakes her off. Defeated in every way, Cersei sadly gets up and leaves. Tywin goes to attend to his newly married son, telling him he’d better sober up so he can knock a kid into his wife ASAP. Tyrion reminds his father that he thinks all Tyrion can do is get drunk and screw women, so he shouldn’t have anything to worry about. Tywin takes away his goblet and tells him to get himself together already. Seriously, is Tyrion trying to be as repulsive to Sansa as possible? This kind of louche behaviour seems somewhat out of character for him. Once he’s gone, Tyrion picks up the goblet again and raises it to Loras, who’s watching from the balcony above.

Loras turns and joins Cersei at a nearby window and starts trying to talk to her, but she cuts him off immediately and sweeps off.

Sansa and Shae head out for some air, and Joffrey immediately takes her by the arm, like they’re girlfriends, and congratulates her on marrying a Lannister. He suggests paying her a visit himself later that night, and when she doesn’t immediately accept that tempting offer, he shrugs that he’ll just get some guards to hold her down.

He returns to the feast and announces that it’s time for the bedding ceremony. Oh, god. Tyrion says there’ll be no such thing, but Joffrey’s on a roll and urges everyone to start stripping Sansa down so she can be carried off to bed. Tyrion repeats that there will be no bedding ceremony and threatens to give Joffrey a Full Theon if he doesn’t lay off. Joffrey gets ready to throw a wobbler, but Tywin calms everyone down and says they can dispense with the ceremony for once. Tyrion drunkenly laughs that this was just a bad joke and that this is just because he’s so intimidated by Joffrey’s manhood, since Tyrion’s is so tiny. That appeases Joffrey, and he lets Tyrion head off with Sansa.

Once they’re alone in their room, Tyrion immediately hits the bottle again, despite Sansa meekly asking if that’s such a good idea. He slurringly admires her neck and then asks how old she is. She’s 14. Yikes. He announces that his father has commanded him to consummate this marriage, and at that, Sansa goes and pours herself some wine. Poor girl. She takes a bracing drink and then starts to take off her dress, going over to a corner to do so. Tyrion watches, rather soberly, and when she starts to take off her shift, he tells her to stop and says he won’t sleep with her unless she asks. She hesitantly inquires what will happen if she never asks and he looks rather sad. And then he goes and passes out on a chaise lounge.

Yunkai. Dario sneaks into Dany’s camp in disguise. She’s in her bath, being attended by Missy, who apparently speaks an astounding 19 languages. Missy says that Dany apparently has an affinity for languages herself, having mastered Dothraki quite quickly. Dany starts to relax, but then Missy gasps, and she turns to find Dario holding a knife to her throat, telling Dany not to scream or the handmaiden dies. Dany briefly looks terrified, but she asks what he wants. ‘You,’ he answers. She orders him to release Missy, and he does, warning her not to scream. Dany correctly guesses he’s there to kill her and asks why he hasn’t done so yet. He responds that he doesn’t want to, and apparently the other captains won’t be a problem, because he’s brought her their heads. He rolls them out on the floor to show her. She asks why he did that and he explains that they had philosophical differences: her beauty meant more to him than to them. Dany rises from her bath, fully naked and unabashed, and Missy quickly fetches a robe. Dany asks him if he’ll fight for her and he nods. She makes him swear to her, and he does, on his knees, giving her his men, his sword, and his heart.

The next morning, Shae comes into the marital room, pissily telling Tyrion she’s brought breakfast, before helping Sansa into her robe. She checks the bed quickly and notes that there’s no sign of anyone having had sex in it. She gives Tyrion an approving smile, then disappears with the sheets.

Sam and Gillie are walking through the frozen wastelands, passing by a tree with red leaves and a face on it—is that the old Stark praying tree? But they’re still north of the Wall, aren’t they? Sam finds a tumbledown shack nearby and suggests they stay there for the night. Gillie hands him the baby and goes about finding firewood. Sam checks out some crows gathering on the branches of the trees. Are we about to go all Hitchcockian?

Later, Sam’s trying, unsuccessfully, to start a fire. Gillie suggests they just huddle under the furs together, and Sam looks briefly terrified, but he’s game. They sit next to each other and chat about the baby. Sam asks if she’s thought of a name, and she snaps at him for talking too fancy to her. She goes to work on the fire and he keeps on about the name. She doesn’t know any boys’ names, naturally, so he suggests a few. She proposes her father’s name, as well as Mormont, not realising that Mormont’s a last name, because she doesn’t understand this fancy people notion of first and last names. She catches on to Sam’s father’s name (Randall) and likes that one, but Sam begs her not to call the baby that. She gets the fire going and agrees not to name him Randall.

Outside, the crows start cawing frantically, so Sam hands the baby back to Gillie and goes to check on things, wisely taking a sword and torch with him. The crows are gathered thick on the branches, and then suddenly they all go perfectly silent as a White Walker makes its way through the woods towards them. Gillie gasps that it’s come for the baby. Sam holds his sword with both hands, warning it to stay back, but the WW grabs the blade with one hand and shatters it before sending Sam flying. It advances on Gillie, and Sam grabs the only other weapon he has: that shard of obsidian (or dragon glass, in this world) that he found north of the Wall. He desperately plunges it into the WW, which shatters just like the sword did. Well, that’s good to know. Sam grabs Gillie (but doesn’t think to take the dragon glass with him) and they run off into the night, accompanied by all the crows.

We start with Bran running through the woods, so looks like we’re once again kicking things off with a Bran Dream Sequence. He’s out with a bow and arrow and sees that three-eyed raven. He loads an arrow, and suddenly Robb and Theon are there, reminding him to relax his bow arm, just like they did in the very first episode. Bran misses his shot, as he did then, and they laugh, and from somewhere off in the trees we hear long-dead Ned reminding the older boys that they weren’t exactly marksmen at Bran’s age. Bran looks up into the trees at the sound of his father’s voice, and when he hears a noise he loads the bow again. Except now instead of the raven there’s a boy close to his own age standing in front of him, telling him he can’t kill the bird, because the bird is really him. That’s sort of how dreams tend to work, Bran.

Bran wakes with a start and Hodor comes over to check on him. Bran says he’s ok. Osha asks if he dreamed about the wolf again, and he starts to tell her about the dream, but she cuts him off and says they need to get on the move. Bran sounds tired of running, but Osha insists, probably as much out of self-preservation as concern for Bran and Rickon. She helpfully tells us that they’re heading for The Wall.

Robb’s all moody, staring into the fire at Harrenhal, I believe. Talisa starts to bring him around, but then one of the bannermen comes in with news from both Winterfell and Riverrun.

News from Riverrun is that Cate’s father has died. Robb delivers the news to her personally and tells her they’ll go to the funeral together. I get the desire to be with family and all, but doesn’t that seem like a rather poor idea? Anybody who wants to put a target on you would be heading there in the hope of catching you off guard, right Robb?

Robb’s got more news: Winterfell’s been razed to the ground, Bran and Rickon are gone, and everyone else is dead. Robb thinks Theon may have taken the boys to the Iron Islands as hostages. So, does that mean someone cut down the two little boys who were clearly supposed to look like dead Bran and Rickon, then?

If someone did, it wasn’t Theon, because he is currently tied up to a big wooden X, being tortured by persons unknown for reasons that are unclear to all of us, even him.

Bree! Woo hoo! She’s still on her long, long countryside walk with Jaime, who’s the bitchiest road trip companion ever. And she has the patience of a goddamn saint to put up with it. He tries to get information from her about how she came to be in Cate’s employ, but she knows better than to give up any info on that. He does correctly guess that she was on Renley’s side. He also guesses that she fancied him. He says she was far too much man for someone like Renley, who preferred curly-haired girls like Loras. They’re met by a man heading to Riverrun with a horse who basically promises not to mess with them. Wise man. As the man continues on his way, Jaime whispers that he knows who Jaime is, and what if he tells someone? She insists that he doesn’t know anything, and she won’t go killing an innocent man. Someone in this country needs to have standards.

Joffrey’s getting fitted for a new suit while Cersei watches and approves. He snits at the tailor for producing something with flowers, and Cersei suggests he give it to Margaery for her wedding gown. She snarks that the little square he’s holding should be more than enough fabric. Heh. She goes on to ask what Joffrey thinks of Margaery and he says it’s a good match, since the Tyrells are rich and powerful. Cersei presses him to say what he thinks of the actual woman. He gives her nothing. Cersei warns him that everything Margaery does has an agenda attached, and I guess she of all people would know, but this whiff of her trying to boss him around puts his pretty little nose out of joint and he stomps back to the tailor.

Sansa and Shae talk about Littlefinger. Sansa thinks he only wants to help her because he once loved her mother, but Shae, knowing men—and people in general—better than Sansa, tells her that the man wants something more from her than just a good word with her mom. Sansa somehow doesn’t quite get what she means. Shae tells her to tell Shae if he ever lays a finger on her, and she’ll put a stop to it. I’ll bet she will. Loras shows up and invites Sansa, on his sister’s behalf, to take a stroll in the gardens.

On the way, Loras tells her how lovely she is and she reminds him of the day he gave her his favour at the joust. He claims to remember. Sansa is delivered to Margaery, who presents her to her grandmother, Lady Olenna, who’s played by Diana Rigg, so you know there’s some awesomeness to come. Everyone politely exchanges condolences on the losses of Ned and Renley, whom Oleanna clearly didn’t think too much of. Nor does she think much of Loras. Or Margaery’s father. She thinks Renley should have stayed out of the whole fight since his claim to the throne was tenuous at best, and then pretty much in the same breath she invites Sansa to have some lemon cakes.

The three ladies sit down, and Olenna wastes little time asking Sansa for an honest appraisal of Joffrey. Sansa is, understandably, reluctant to slag him off and instead unconvincingly sings his praises. Olenna tells her there’s no need to be frightened, and Sansa finds her spine and tearfully tells them how Joffrey cut her father’s head off and made her look at it. She immediately begins to backpedal and Margaery realises she’s terrified. Olenna gently urges her on, and Sansa admits that Joffrey’s a monster. ‘Oh, that’s a pity,’ says Olenna as Margaery unconcernedly eats a cake. Sansa begs them not to stop the wedding and Olenna says there’s no risk of that. She does thank Sansa for telling the truth, though.

Robb’s on the move, and one of his bannermen is not happy to be taking time out of the war to go to a funeral. He grouses, and Robb asks if he’s lost faith in their cause. He hasn’t, but he thinks Robb lost the war the day he married Talisa.

The lady in question rides up to where her mother-in-law’s relaxing and making a dreamcatcher or something. Talisa offers to help, clearly trying to establish some sort of bond with this woman, but Cate refuses, explaining that mothers make them to protect their children. A little late for that, then, Cate. Talisa settles down nearby and asks if Cate’s made them before. She has. Talisa asks if it works and Cate says it does, after a fashion. She remembers one time when Jon was small, he came down with the pox and Luwin said that if he survived the night he’d pull through. So, Cate sat with him all night, feeling guilty because she had wanted him to die for being proof of her husband’s infidelity. She prayed to the gods to let him live and promised to love him and be a mother to him. He lived, as we all know, but Cate wasn’t able to keep her promise, and now she thinks that all the bad things that have happened to her family were because of that. No, Cate. They were almost all because of that time you took Tyrion Lannister hostage. Blame yourself for that.

Up north, Jon’s got a new non-Ranger outfit and a new buddy in Rayder, who says he likes Jon but if he’s playing him, he’ll kill him. Jon understands and knows that all Rayder wants is to protect his people. Rayder sets him right on one score: these aren’t his people. They’re a motley crew of folk who all hate each other, but they hate the idea of dying more, and Rayder told them they would all die if they didn’t head south.

The two men reach some other guy who’s sitting in the snow, eyes rolled up in his head while a hawk circles above him. Rayder explains that the man is able to see through animals’ eyes and Ygritte can’t believe Jon’s never met anyone else like him. The man comes to and tells them he saw dead crows. Guess that’s bad.

The Rangers, meanwhile, are walking along, heading back to the Wall. One of the others pokes fun at Sam for being upset and being alive when others are dead. He urges Sam to just sit down and die, and Sam obligingly drops to his knees, exhausted. Two of the others notice and come back to try and get him back on his feet. Sam whimpers that they don’t care about him and reminds them that, when the White Walkers came, they up and left him. To be fair, Sam, can you blame them? They try to help him to his feet, and their douchy colleague comes back and urges them to just leave him. Mormont joins them and flat-out forbids Sam to die. He then tells Douchy that it’s his job to get Sam back alive, and if he doesn’t manage it, he won’t be alive long either. Douchy is not delighted.

Bran wakes suddenly and finds both Osha and his direwolf on high alert. Osha goes running off to investigate, and while she’s gone, the boy from Bran’s dream appears and approaches him, unconcerned by Bran’s snarling wolf. Osha comes up behind him and puts a sharpened stick to the back of his neck, warning him not to move. He says he’s unarmed, but his sister isn’t. And here she is, getting the drop on Osha and telling her to drop the spear. Osha does, but warns them the wolf won’t be so merciful. The boy—he’s Jojen Reed—approaches the wolf, calls it by name, and lets it sniff his hand. Like a friendly dog, the wolf sniffs and trots off. Jojen introduces himself and his sister, Meera, to Bran and tells him they’ve been looking for him, and they have a long way to go yet. For those of you who frequent this site, Meera’s played by the same actress who played that incredibly annoying housemaid, Ivy, in the first series of Upstairs Downstairs, take 2. I desperately hope she’s less horrible in this role. Jojen’s played by the kid who was Liam Neeson’s son in Love, Actually, except it seems his voice has finally changed. Which makes sense, because Love, Actually came out, what, about 10 years ago now? Wow, now I feel kind of old.

Also on the move are Arya, Gendry, and their fat companion, Hot Pie. Gendry’s bitching at Arya for wasting her promised deaths on people in Harrenhal instead of telling Jaqen to kill Joffrey or something and just end the war. Arya brings them back to the present and tells them they’re clearly lost. She wants them to go to Riverrun, where her grandfather’s the lord and can protect them. Before they can really get into an argument, they hear someone approaching, singing, and they take cover. The singer’s accompanied by several very well-armed men, and one of them looses an arrow very near where the happy trio’s hiding. The singer jovially wonders who’s hiding there, and Arya shows herself and boldly tells him to go on his way, and she won’t kill him. Oh, Arya. Don’t write cheques you can’t cash, sweetie. The men laugh and call out Gendry and Hot Pie, who show themselves and rather unconvincingly pull out swords. The singer introduces himself as Thoros of Myr and immediately guesses they’ve escaped from Harrenhal. He and his men fight for the Brotherhood Without Banners. Oh, and he also knows that Arya’s a girl, maybe because she makes a really, really unconvincing boy at this point. The three amigos get taken prisoner, but not before one of the men mocks Hot Pie for being fat.

Tyrion’s got much nicer rooms now, and they’re being graced with Shae’s presence, even though he warned her not to come there, thanks to his father’s threat to kill any woman he found in Tyrion’s bed. But Shae’s a woman on a mission: she wants Tyrion to help protect Sansa from Petyr, but before she gets to that, she gets a bit of an attitude when she realizes Tyrion slept with Ros. She also gets jealous when Tyrion refers to Sansa as a great beauty. Jesus, Shae, when did you get so possessive? Their bickering turns into foreplay, and though Tyrion’s into it, he once again warns her not to come to his rooms anymore.

Margaery arrives at Joffrey’s room, having presumably been summoned there. He’s sitting there cradling a crossbow and tells her he’s going on a hunting trip and wanted to make sure she had everything she needed before he left. She reassures him she has all she wants. A bit nervously, like a teen boy talking to his crush, he asks how she likes King’s Landing. She says it’s a welcome change from an army camp. He gets a bit dangerous and asks if this is a welcome change from a traitor’s bed as well, and she sobers a bit and explains that she tried to do her duty as a wife. Joffrey asks why she failed to provide Renley with children, and though she tries to demur for a bit, she tells him Renley wasn’t interested in girls. Joffrey seems appeased and says he’s been thinking of making Renley’s ‘perversion’ a crime punishable by death. Stroking his crossbow suggestively, Margaery says that’s his right, and he should do whatever he needs to do. He is, after all, the king. He seems pleased that someone’s acknowledging that. He asks if she likes the bow and she agrees that it’s beautiful and asks him to show her how it works. He demonstrates it and she laughs and claps delightedly, then asks him to take her hunting sometime. He seems to like the idea and invites her to hold the weapon. He helps her hold it properly and she says it must be exciting to squeeze a trigger and watch something die at the other end. Rather excited, he asks if she thinks she could manage it. She isn’t sure, but she asks if he’d like to watch her. Yes, he would. Because what Joffrey really wants is for someone to indulge and join in his sick puppy fantasies.

Theon’s still being tortured. His torturers ask him why he took Winterfell and he admits he did it without orders so he could bring glory to his father’s house. That doesn’t seem to be the right answer. Theon just tries guessing, saying he did it to hurt the Starks, because he hated them. Torture recommences for a bit, and then the torturers leave after draping him in a hood. When they’re gone, a young man pulls the hood off and tells Theon that his sister, Yara, sent him. He promises to come back that night when the castle’s asleep.

The Stark boys, Osha, Jojen, Meera, and Hodor are back on the move. Jojen, after observing Bran for a bit, guesses that he’s a warg, one of the people who can see through animals’ eyes, like the guy Jon saw. He also knows all about the three-eyed raven, because he remembers that dream Bran had. He explains that the raven brings the Sight, showing things that happened many, many years ago, as well as things happening now.

Osha’s walking with Meera a little further back and clearly showing her suspicion of Jojen. She asks Meera if he’s ashamed, needing his sister to protect him and Meera laughs that there’s no shame in that. Osha begs to differ.

Bran tells Jojen that he dreamt of his father’s death, when it happened. Jojen corrects that he didn’t dream it, he saw it. Jojen did too, and reported it to his father, who cried for the first time that Jojen knew of. His father, Howland Reed, is a loyal Stark bannerman.

The Three Musketeers are being fed and entertained by their captors, or whatever they are. Thoros asks how they escaped from Harrenhal and Arya says it was all thanks to Gendry and his mad smithing skillz. Thoros asks where Gendry trained, and Gendry (probably pretty stupidly) tells the truth. Thoros recognizes the name of the smith, too. Arya says that Gendry knows how to use a sword, and so does she. When the men laugh, she gets up and draws Needle, which just amuses them more. Thoren manages to disarm hear in the blink of an eye and returns to his ale. Abashed, Arya retrieves Needle and goes to sit down. Thoros tells them they can go, but before they leave, some others come in with a captive: the Hound. Great. Arya turns away from him with an ‘oh, shit’ look on her face. She and her buddies try to slip past him, but he notices her and asks Thoros what he’s doing with the Stark kid.

Bree and Jaime have reached a river, and Bree’s weighing her options: cross by bridge and risk being seen, or cross by water, and risk being swept away by the fast-moving current. She opts for bridge, and midway across, Jaime plunks down and says he needs a rest. When she goes to drag him to his feet, he grabs one of her swords, cuts the ropes on his wrists, and gets ready to fight as she draws her other weapon. He wonders aloud why some knights think it’s necessary to carry two swords, and I’d guess it’s for situations like this, so you’re not left unarmed if someone grabs one of them. He and Bree circle each other for a bit, and then get to fighting, with him even offering pointers, not that she really needs them. After some really masterful swordplay that makes me want to applaud whoever choreographed this, she kicks his ass, just in time for some mounted men to arrive, along with that guy they met on his way to Riverrun earlier. They pay him his silver for the intel and get ready to deliver Jaime to Robb.

I think we’re all caught up with the major players now, right? This week felt quite a bit like last week’s episode—lots of ‘where are they now?’ and not too much plot movement. But that’s ok—you kind of need that with a cast as big as this one, with action as wide-ranging as this show has. Still, now that we have a handle on things, I’m hoping they really start moving next week.

What article am I talking about? Ann Marie Rasmussen of the Huffington Post penned an article criticizing the women in the HBO series Game of Thrones as being little more than tired sexist archetypes. Go ahead and give it a read. She does raise a few interesting points about how women are portrayed in both literature and Hollywood. However, when it comes to the women of GoT, she misses the point by a mile. Spoilers for both seasons of GoT ahead!!

Game of Thrones has been criticized for being sexist thanks to women within the world being depicted as baby makers, whores, political pawns, and generally treated like shit. But that is the point. Westeros is a screwed up sexist world, and the men in power are products of that society, using women as if they were things. The difference is that these smart, fully developed women are also products of this violent, sexist, patriarchal society, and they are finding ways to survive and sometimes thrive in a man’s world. In depicting a violent and sexist patriarchy, George R. R. Martin isn’t saying it’s awesome. He’s showing us, through his female characters, exactly how fucked up it is.

Now, onto the archetypes, specifically Arya and Sansa. Here’s what Ms. Rasmussen had to say about the Stark sisters:

The Tomboy. Arya Stark, the little daughter with a boy’s haircut, learns to wield a sword and become an assassin. She is clearly metamorphosing into another favorite recent archetype, the Woman Warrior (think Guenevere in King Arthur, Lisbeth Salander in Stieg Larsson’s trilogy or Katniss Everdeen in The Hunger Games).

The Princess. Sansa Stark, sister to the Tomboy, is not too bright and is often punished for her vapid and romantic delusions. In case you had any doubt which, the Tomboy or the Princess, is more appealing to contemporary audiences, compare what happens to poor Sansa to her clear-minded, independent sister.

The Stark sisters exist to show us two wildly different ways young women deal with the cards they have been dealt. Arya survives by embracing the masculine, and Sansa survives by embracing the feminine. Neither is wrong. Arya rebels against the sexist society, while Sansa attempts to use it to her advantage.

Sansa is incredibly clever. Her romantic notions were killed along with her pet dire wolf. Now, a girl who is not bright would have taken that moment (or any number of other horrible events Joffrey inflicted on her) to say, “You’re an asshole, I am not marrying you!” Instead, Sansa is very aware that the only way she’ll have an ounce of power, the only way she can possibly survive is to stick close to Joffrey for as long as she can. She attempted once to kill Joffrey, but failed, and continued to try to manipulate the system in her favor. Sansa is an incredibly strong and clever young woman, and I’m very interested to see what happens to her next season now that her small amount of power and insurance has evaporated. (DON’T TELL ME, DAMMIT!)

Arya, meanwhile, isn’t quite as trapped as Sansa, both literally and figuratively. She has more freedom to rebel and take on the role of a boy.

The Stark girls offer two ways of dealing with the same problem that all young women face within Westros, a place where their options are severely limited. One remains and gives the appearance of submissive conformity while working the system as it is, while the other flees the oppressive society to find her own path, but is always under the threat of being pulled back in.

The article goes on to poorly define Cersi as a Seductress and Catelyn Stark as the Good Wife, but we’ll have to save those smackdowns for another post.

I’m so woefully behind on these. I’m sorry, everybody. I spent the weekend getting caught up with The Borgias, mostly because the names in that are easier to spell. Yeah, I know, lazy. But here I am, back in Game of Thrones Land, so let’s get started.

Cate’s having a meeting with Renley at his camp. She swears Robb has no interest in the Iron Throne, so Renley agrees to let him continue calling himself King in the North, as long as Robb swears a loyalty oath to him as king—the same oath his father swore to King Robert. Now that he won’t have to worry about Robb, Reneley feels confident saying he’ll crush Stannis’s army in the morning. As Brie helps him remove his cloak and armor, Cate begs him to reconsider the battle and negotiate with his brother. Renley laughs that off, and wouldn’t you know it, a few seconds later SmokeStannis floats in, stabs Renley to death, and dissipates. Cate’s all WTF? and Brie screams and catches Renley as he falls. Two guards rush in, see Brie standing over their fallen leader, and immediately assume she killed him, despite there being no weapon or real motive, and despite the fact that Cate’s trying to tell them it wasn’t Brie. The guards charge and I guess her instincts kick in, because Brie arms herself and kills them both in about 10 seconds flat. Cate, being the sensible one, tells her they have to get out of there fast, and when it seems Brie would rather stay and indulge in some serious grief, Cate reminds her she can’t avenge Renley if she’s dead.

Petyr takes a moment to check out Stannis’s fleet of ships, which are anchored off the coast, as Renley’s camp devolves into chaos around him.

Renley’s all laid out, with Flowers tending to him and Margery pacing nervously and telling her brother they’d really better hit the road soon. Petyr joins them and tells them Stannis is on his way, and Renley’s former bannermen will flock to him as soon as he arrives, so they really should get out of there. Flowers is prepared to stay, just as Brie was, and just like Cate, Petyr tells him he can’t get his vengeance from the grave. Margery seconds that and together, they finally get through to her brother. With one last, anguished look at dead Renley, Flowers goes to ready the horses.

When he’s gone, Margery looks down at her dead husband and observes that he was very handsome, but he wasn’t a king just because he said he was. Petyr asks if she wants to be a queen and Margery tells him no, she wants to be the queen.

News of Renley’s death has reached King’s Landing, where Cersei celebrates by drinking a bit too much while Tyrion tries to talk sense and reminds her that there’s still a really big army out there, ready to attack them. Cersei’s more concerned about the proposed marriage for her daughter, which she’s still seriously pissed off about. Tyrion tells her Marcella will be safer in Dorn, and I’m a bit surprised this is still going on, because I thought all the marriage talk was just a ruse. Guess not. Cersei sneers at her brother and tells her that Joffrey’s taking care of the siege preparations personally, and he’s leaving his mom completely out of the loop, which means Tyrion’s out of the loop.

Tyrion meets with his cousin Lancel, the one who’s sleeping with Cersei, to find out if she really knows anything and he tells him Cersei’s preparing wildfire. Tyrion doesn’t believe him at first and plays around with him a bit until Lancel manages to convince him. Even after that Tyrion jerks him around some, but then gets rather bored and lets him go.

Davos catches up with Stannis and tells him how sorry he is about his brother being killed by a demon and all. He also wants to talk to Stannis about the horror movie he recently witnessed, but Stannis doesn’t want to hear it, because whatever that thing was, it got him a hell of a lot of extra soldiers. Davos backs down and asks when they’ll head to King’s Landing and whether they’ll bring Melisandre with them. The answers are: soon and none of your business. Davos warns him against bringing her, because it’s starting to look like Stannis is her puppet, and she’s a fairly unpopular foreigner. Stannis agrees to leave Melisandre behind and tells Davos he’s going to lead the sea attack on Blackwater Bay. Davos isn’t keen on that, because his time was mostly spent evading ships, not captaining them, but I guess this is punishment for laying out those hard truths for Stannis.

Tyrion and Bronn travel through the market discussing the armies and how badly outnumbered they are. They stop to listen to some street preacher talking about how rotten Joffrey is and how he dances to the tune of a twisted demon monkey. Tyrion agrees with what he’s saying, completely missing that the demon monkey allegedly pulling the strings is him. Bronn quickly fills him in.

Theon takes a moment at the coast to smile at his ship—the Sea Bitch—which rides the waves a little ways out. His bliss is interrupted by the arrival of his very rough-and-tumble crew, who quickly make it clear they have no time or respect for him. Theon fills them in on their mission and one of the crewmen tells him he’s been doing this job since before Theon was even thought of, so why does he need this crappy captain at all? See, Theon, this is the point where you assert yourself with violence. I don’t usually advocate that, but that’s clearly the only thing these guys will respond to. Punch that man in the face or something. You have to show them you’re not a little weasel. But he doesn’t, he just stumbles around until Yara shows up to make fun of him and throw it in his face that she has a giant fleet to command and men who’ll do whatever she says. She also seems to be buddies with Theon’s crew, to some extent.

She leaves, and so does Theon’s crew, leaving behind Theon and the first mate, who tiredly offers to row Theon out to the ship and gives him some sound advice: prove yourself, if you really want these men to follow you. Theon, like a child, whines that he can’t prove himself by pillaging tiny villages and First Mate’s like, well, yeah, obviously. Theon finally gets it and realizes the Stony Shores aren’t far from Torrhen Square, which is a better prize than a few fishing villages. He doubts they could hold it for long, because as soon as Winterfell hears about the attack, they’ll send soldiers to take it back, but it’ll certainly make a point. Looks like they’re taking a little detour.

Tywin’s meeting with his captains while Arya serves his dinner. One of the captains thinks Robb’s army will get impatient soon but Tywin thinks they’ve been underestimating him for too long and they need to do better. Arya goes to serve him some wine and he asks for water instead, because he’s got a long day ahead of him. Before she leaves, he asks where she’s from. She tells him she’s from Maidenpool and he quickly reveals that as a lie and guesses she’s from the north. She admits she is but lies again about where she’s from, doing better this time. He asks what they say about Robb in the north and she says they think he can’t be killed and that he rides into battle on the back of a direwolf. He asks if she believes the stories and she says no, that anyone can be killed.

As she goes to get the water, she spots Jaqen, the man from the cage who talks like a weirdo in the third person all the time and whose life she saved during the attack that eventually brought them all to Harranhal. He’s a soldier now, and possibly a leader of some sort, because he’s all kitted out in armor and Lannister arms. She hides from him and he fails to notice her as he passes. They run into each other by the rain barrels, though, and he suggests they have a little chat. He reveals that he always knew she was a girl (geez, was there anyone who didn’t figure it out?). She angrily says he’s one of “them” now and he points out that she is too. She claims not to have had a choice by he says she did—they both did, it’s just that they both preferred to stay alive. He reminds her that she saved three lives from the burning cage, so he now owes her three lives—any three she wants. She asks him to kill the executioner first—the guy they call “the tickler,” probably because of his particularly horrible rat-fueled torture method. That seems like a wasted assassination, Arya. Nonetheless, he agrees.

North of The Wall, Mormont, Jon and the others are on the move, planning to camp out and meet up with someone—another member of the Black Watch, I think. Sam chatters cheerfully about how much Gillie would love it there and one of their fellow Wallians rolls his eyes and says how gross it is to see a man in love.

They all finally reach the top of some mountain and Sam goes on and on about how old the place is. Well, yeah, Sam, rocks tend to be pretty old. He wonders what early men were like and Jon moodily says he thinks they were afraid, and that they came to escape from something. A horn sounds, far off, and someone identifies it as the signal that Rangers are returning. Jon spots the Rangers they’re waiting for approaching, way off in the distance.

Tyrion has managed to track down the man making Cersei’s Wildfire (which is probably spelled Wyldefyeire in this world). However it’s spelled, it’s some seriously damaging stuff, capable of melting stone, metal, and flesh. Lovely! Bronn thinks it’s all bullshit, and incredibly dangerous even for those wielding it. He makes a fairly good case for not using it, though Cersei has been stockpiling for some time, by the look of the storeroom the old man shows them. Tyrion informs him he’ll be working for him from now on.

Qarth. Daenerys is teaching one of her baby dragons to barbecue his meat and eat it. One of her slaves shows her a dress their very wealthy host, Daxos—the same man who vouched for them and allowed them into the city—sent for Daenerys. Daenerys says that the last time a rich man gave her a dress she was being sold to Drogo. Well, that didn’t totally turn out horribly, did it, Daenerys? I mean, you two were fairly happy while he was alive, weren’t you? One of the slaves says Daenerys would look like a real princess in the dress and the other slave, who’s had a lot of attitude in this scene, snaps that she’s not a princess, she’s a khalisi. Can’t she be both? The slave backs down and says she should wear the dress after all.

Daenerys does, and she looks lovely at the garden party, where she balances between making small talk and keeping her khalisar from stealing everything in sight. The work of a leader is never done. She chats a bit with Jorah before she’s approached by a really creepy looking guy with blue lips and the look of a cancer patient. He’s some sort of magician, but Daxos is unimpressed by the man and thinks the man’s got a soft brain after doing too many drugs.

He leads Daenerys away, leaving Jorah in the dust. A woman nearby, wearing a crazy mask, observes that Jorah watches over Daenerys. She knows exactly who Jorah is but won’t reveal her own identity. She warns him to be careful and guard over Daenerys, because her dragons are serious commodities.

In the woods, Cate and Brie are taking a break from what has, no doubt, been quite a ride. Brie says she’s certain the smoke monster looked like Stannis, though Cate’s not quite sure. She tells Brie she’s going to her son’s camp to report on what she saw, and then she’s back to Winterfell to look after her two youngest. Brie asks if Cate will give her leave to go kill Stannis once she’s safely back with her own people. Why does she need Cate’s permission to do so?

Cate warns her that Stannis has a huge army around him, which doesn’t concern Brie. She’s got rage fueled by what sounds like a hopeless crush on her side. Cate suggests Brie sign up with Robb, but Brie would rather serve Cate, because she recognizes she’s pretty awesome. All she asks is that, when the time comes, Cate not hold her back from killing Stannis. Cate promises and gets herself a totally kickass lady knight. This is gonna be cool.

Bran’s once again listening to the locals’ complaints, while Rickon annoyingly pulverizes nuts on the table next to him. Bran’s more patient than he was last time and makes a pretty good call for a sheep farmer before ending council and calling Hodor so he can go for a ride. Before he can go, Ser Roderick comes in and announces a recent attack on Torrhen Square. Bran immediately dispatches Ser Roderick to go take the place back and Roderick goes, confident they’ll have the place back in their hands shortly.

Bran finally gets to go out for his ride and chats about his dreams with Osha. He tells her he dreamt that the sea came to Winterfell and drowned everyone, including Ser Roderick. Well, that’s a bit less difficult for us to interpret than all those three-eyed ravens, at least. He asks her what people north of The Wall say about three-eyed ravens, but she won’t tell him.

Mormont and his crew spot a fire some distance away, which worries one of the others, because it means the people sitting around it will see them coming…somehow and will be able to warn Mance Rayder that they’re on their way. And Mance has apparently gathered all the Wildlings to his side, which is a big ass army, according to the Ranger who’s recently joined them and brought all this news. He reminds them that Mance used to be a Ranger, so he knows their ways, so they need to think more like Wildlings and adopt their ways of doing things—sneak in, kill Mance, and get the hell out. But before they can do that, they need to send out small groups of soldiers to get rid of these outlying camps. Jon volunteers to be one of them and new guy—Coren? I think someone called him Halfhand, so let’s go with that—agrees to take him along, because Jon’s actually beaten a White Walker, which is sufficiently badass. After some reluctance, Mormont agrees to let him go.

Daenerys is still at her garden party, strolling around with Daxos, who apparently is not one to beat around the bush. He asks her how long Jorah’s been in love with her, which surprises her because she is not at all observant. Daxos asks her what she wants and she says she wants to reclaim the Iron Throne, which is hers by right. He can appreciate that, being a conqueror himself, though a mercantile one. She asks him what he wants and he takes her to his vault, which holds enough riches to outfit a vast army. All Daenerys has to do to access it is marry him. This isn’t a romantic proposal, though he seems like a nice enough guy. This is business: he’s gotten to the top of the heap in Qarth; now he wants sons and daughters who will be princes and princesses.

Daenerys takes the proposal to Jorah, who, unsurprisingly, isn’t supportive. He thinks she should look for support in Westros, though, where the hell is she going to find that? He warns her that Daxos will own her if she does this and claims he only wants to see her on the Iron Throne, because it’s her birthright and because her gentle heart will make her a good and just ruler. She gives him a good long look and then asks him what he would advise her to do. He suggests she make her own way and get her own ship. He even promises to find it for her. She gives him leave to do so, and he bows to her before withdrawing.

Arya’s hanging around Gendry, who’s now hard at work forging swords at Harranhal. She corrects his handling of said sword, when he briefly wields it, but fun time is over when someone starts screaming, and they run over to find the executioner dead on the ground with a broken neck. Arya looks up into the nearby walls and sees Jaqen there, calmly eating an apple. He holds up one finger and her face basically says, “Oh, shit.” Yeah, Arya, this guy actually does mean business.

Episode 6 “The Old Gods and the New” Reviewcap

In this episode some of our players are dealing with losing control, losing loyalty, and facing what else is to come this season in Westros. As we head into the second half of this season the tension is building as each of our game pieces interact and weave through the game.

THAT TIME WINTERFEL ACTUALLY FELL
“It grieves me that you have less honor than a back alley whore.” —Sir Rodrick (RIP)

From last week we knew Theon had plans for the depleted and alone Winterfel and we pick right up with the castle being attacking by Theon’s new sea bitch crew. Maester Luwin is rushing to the Winterfel Raven (mail) room as we hear the sounds of battle echo from below. Just before the room is rushed Luwin scribbles a message concerning the occupation to Robb. Whew.

Next Theon bursts into sleeping Bran’s room all puffed up with pride and power announcing that he’s taken the castle. Initially Bran is baffled to even be seeing Theon. Bran, truly speaking with the innocent voice of a child, asks Theon a simple question “Why?” Theon puts it simple: He can’t fight for both Robb and his father. In a move emotionally moving, Theon sits down on Bran’s bed, much like an older brother, and explains this whole bit about grow up real world situation and what Bran should do to protect the people and such. He must yield the castle to protect his people. “That’s what a good lord would do”, Theon condescendingly spouts to sleepy Bran. Bran’s then asks the perfect questions to correctly place Theon into emotionally damning territory (where he basically lives), which is “Did you hate us the whole time”.

Cut to a rainy courtyard scene in which Bran is turning power over to Theon. The sight of little Bran shivering in the rain was enough to make the last bits of audience jump on the hating Theon bandwagon. Theon goes on to yell about being a prince and so on because Theon just can barely exist in his own skin. The crowd is against him as who wouldn’t be? The Starks, seemingly the last family still honouring loyalty in the realm were their lords, not Theon the violent screaming child.

Theon’s men bring out a captured prisoner now, Sir Rodrik, Winterfel’s arms master, who Bran had prophesized his death last week so I was initially surprised he was still alive until he spit in Theon’s face. That was the moment I realized that he was making his Westros exit then. Theon wants to initially lock him up until his first mate lets him know that this man should pay the “iron price”. The crowd, and the young Starks, beg for Rodrik’s life while Theon is visibly torn as usual. When he decides to follow through with killing Sir Rodrik, Theon gets a tough parting line from him: “Now you’re truly lost”.  He also adds a bit about wishing he never taught Theon to hold a sword but after his gruesome execution he probably hoped he had taught Theon a bit better. After teasing Theon for not initially doing the execution himself, Theon of course jumps right into the role. As Bran and Rickon cry and beg for Rodriks life Theon hacks at Rodriks neck area for what feels like days until finally viciously kicking his head off his body. How humane Theon you prick.

THAT TIME JON SNOW HAD THE SLOWEST PLOTLINE AND STILL GOT LOST
“Strike hard and true Jon Snow or I’ll come back and haunt ya’” -Ygritte
Jon tries desperately to prove himself to Halfhand as they travel north of the wall. They have types of conversations that usually end with Halfhand calling Jon an idiot for both agreeing and disagreeing with him. Also during this walk Ghost is seemingly separating from the group straying further and further away. Eventually they happen upon a small Wildling camp and attack. Jon is about to kill one when he realizes it’s a woman and freezes up. Her name is Ygritte and she’s redheaded, feisty, and utterly unwilling to die. Jon also looks very unwilling to kill her. She does an amazing job of coming off both brave and scared. The other men leave Jon to kill her, which struck me as strange – right? What did they think? Jon was going to need a good cry after that?

Ygritte tells him to strike hard and true because she totally doesn’t want a horrible beheading like poor Sir Rodrik. She also seems to fear returning to life as one of those scary undead thingies. Jon winds back and seems to purposely miss her neck. She takes this as her golden ticket and boots it for a semi-epic chase scene through the gorgeous scenery. Jon finally ambushes her taking her captive again but Jon is in trouble as he’s now separated from the men and stuck with a pretty girl who is obviously feeling him. That last bit probably scares him shitless. As the sun sets he ties her up and proceeds to cuddle to gain warmth. She grinds his sexy parts through their 89 layers, which only annoys poor Jon. I personally feel for Ygritte – She’s stuck with this dude who wont kill her or have sex with her and like the audience wishes he’d at least do one of those actions.

She asks if he thinks they are looking for him and he says yes. Then she asks if he thinks he will be found and he says yes. She goes on to call brave, stupid but brave. Initially this whole thing felt a bit convoluted and slow, as most of Jon’s adventures beyond the wall, but upon reflection Jon perhaps needed to see this as a character. In an earlier season two episode Jon spurred Sam’s request to take Gilly with them when they leave. One of his reasons is that girls can’t fight. Meet Ygritte, Jon. She wants to bury an axe in your face and fuck you – the order is unknowable.

THAT TIME ARYA CAME THIS CLOSE TO HER LUCK RUNNING OUT
“What killed him?” —Tywin
“Loyalty.” —Arya

Tywin is pissed at one his men who sent a letter to the wrong house therefore possibly clueing Robb in on their troop movements. He sent it to wrong house because of his lack of reading skill. Tywin asks Arya to fetch a book and learns her reading skill far surpasses the man. Tywin jokingly tells her she should devise his next battle plan. This tickles Arya until she hears someone is visiting Tywin: Littlefinger. Arya panics as he has seen her in Kings Landing and would know her identity. While we watch the tension rack up, Arya tries to conceal her identity while serving both men. I am unsure if Littlefinger knows for sure she is who she is or simply recognized her for a moment. He does however talk about the Stark sisters (plural) pretty loudly perhaps showing he knows. Throughout the scene we also learn Margaery is trying to forge another alliance, as well as what that family is up to.

Later on Arya sees a piece of parchment left on Tywin’s table with battle info about Robb. While her and Tywin share a nice bit of dialogue Arya goads Tywin into answering a question about his father leading him to monologue thoughtfully staring into his fire while Arya snags the paper that would certainly help Robb. She leaves speedily running into the illiterate man from earlier. As she panics he grabs the paper from her and prepares to tell Tywin what exactly he’s just found. Arya books it looking for her new favorite manly assassin Jaqen. She uses her second wish of death upon someone on the illiterate fool who is about to ruin her incognito actions. Jaqen looks annoyed as Arya begs him to not wait and that it must happen now before the man brings his message to Tywin blowing up her spot. The request is unreasonable and has an element of batshit crazy but we see a man can be as badass as his speech indicates as he kills the man with some sort of blow dart as he enters Tywin’s quarters. BADASS.

THAT TIME JOFFREY MET HIS PEOPLE AND GOT A COW PIE TO THE FACE
“We’ve had vicious kings and we’ve had idiot kings. But I don’t know if we’ve ever been cursed a vicious idiot king. ” —Tyrion

Myrecella is on her royal boat bawling her little eyes out on her way to be married in Dorne as per Tyrions plan. Cersei decidedly still pissed, threatens Tyrion saying when she finds out he loves anyone she will take them away. Tyrion eyes for once don’t stay cool and we know he fears for Shea. Also on the shore Joffrey is pissed his little brother is crying because “princes don’t cry”. Sansa, probably not meaning to fight, ends up causing one sharing that little boys cry including her little brother. King Joffrey is amazing in his treatment of the situation, berating her for relating her brother to one of a prince. The actor Jack Gleeson is truly pitch perfect playing the horrible Joffrey. It’s to convey the amount of conviction he displays in scenes that truly make me laugh out loud.
As they all make their way from the shore back to the castle they are surrounded by some of the angry citizens of Kings Landing. Between the war, lack of food, and Joffrey tyrannical awfulness the crowds are utterly pissed at their lord. Tyrion while observing some intense flaring nostrils and angry shouts can feel the tension racking up. He urges them to get the young prince (not lost king anymore?) back to the castle on the double. This is about when things fall right the fuck apart. Someone throws a pile of shit at Joffrey hitting him in the side of the face. He of course does the immediate action of ordering EVERYONE to die. This kid is going to get his karma shoved up his ass with a hot poker if he keeps this shit up.
The crowd revolts harder, as Tyrion watches them pull a nobleman into the crowd and proceed to literally right him a part, lifting his lone arm into the air. Wow these crowds are more bloodthirsty than the zombies in Walking Dead. As Joffrey, Cersei, and Tyrion make it into the castle Tyrion flips his little lid over the entire action doing something we all want to do: slap Joffrey for being a moron. This doesn’t knock any sense into him as he goes on to refuse to send his men to help Sansa who is still trapped outside with the unruly crowd.
Poor Sansa is still trapped outside is chased down an alley by some men who eventually catch her and start stripping her down for some horrible rapiness. This is second time this season she has been stripped down by savage men this season – I hope she gets out of this with her mind intact. Thankfully she does have a savoir is someone other than Tyrion. The Hound appears and kills all of the men attacking her then he calmly tells her its okay and calls her little bird in the calmest sweetest voice as thought he didn’t just gut a bunch of men. He then carries her to safety – Tyrion sees this and thanks the Hound for his service. The Hound says he didn’t do it for him. I don’t know about you Tyrion but I would worry when one of the most loyal hardcore men in Westros is slowly losing faith in your stupid family.

THAT TIME ROBB HAD A ROMCOM
“Because the Greyjoys are treasonous whores.” -Bolton
Robb runs into the medic from an earlier episode, and shares some knowledge that he suspects her to be of noble birth. She still will not tell him her name, but he goes on to starting asking her out for smoothies and shit when Catelyn appears and appropriately cockblocks Robb. She reminds him that he has a wife lined up already from a family Catelyn bargained with in season one using Robb’s love life as leverage.
We also receive the news of Winterfel. Robb wants to go back immediately but can’t due to his new Kingly status. A Lord Bolten offers sending his son with men to retake the keep. Robb swears Theon will die for this. We can only hope Robb.

THAT TIME OSHA GOT GAME and TONKS GOT NAKED
“We know things, the free people. Other things. Savage things.”-Osha
Osha shows up in Theon’s room offering herself for some “savage” sex for her freedom. Also seeing this girl completely naked has slightly skewed my view of Tonks in Harry Potter. Anyway, after her savage wildling sex with Theon, Osha leaves him sleeping all tuckered out from their session. As she gets outside one of Theon’s men stops her but she essentially keeps the sex kitten act up by saying Theon sent her as a gift for all the men, and begins to prepare to go down on the guy but instead Osha gets the Player of Westros award this week killing the man in cold blood, then using all this power plays to sneak herself, Bran, Rickon, Hordor, and their direwolfs out of the castle. Good on Osha for besting Theon and saving the Starks boys from this fate. I’m Bran’s hair will look gorgeous again now and all will be right in the world.

THAT TIME DANY TRIED HER FAVORITE THEON IMPRESSION
“She has a talent for drama this one.” –The Spice King
Dany is going to the Spice King for help in her journey – why do you ask? I don’t know. Doesn’t she recall him wanting her dead? This does however lead to an interesting scene in which Dany goes for the gold, broadcasting who she is exactly how special she is – which reminds of Theon whining about being prince, but this is different as Dany has yet to really say these things out loud. She is not like other women. She is special. She is the mother of dragons.
When returning back to her villa she surprised to find nearly all of her people dead there. She runs through the door and up the stairs to her room basically hop scotching over bodies into her chamber. Her dragons are gone, with empty baskets showing so. As Dany screeches “WHERE ARE MY DRAGONS?!?” we see a figure carrying wailing/crying baby dragons up to some mysterious tower. Aww saddest sound ever. Poor babies.

Next Week Theon is going after Osha and the boys and calling it all a game. Jamie is not suited for imprisonment. War is approaching Kings Landing. Sansa and the Hound have a chat. Dany wants her god damned dragons.

-Sagebeth

For a series so complex, I had to create a drinking game just a elaborate, filled with lots of “experts only” rules.
I would also like to mention that at the moment I am sitting at a cafe using the unprotected internet access of a network called “Casterly Rock”. Drink!

Drink once:
1. When Someone gets beheaded or has their throat slit.
2. For each time a whore gets fucked
3. Someone says “Iron Throne”
4. Anyone mentions the King’s drinking or infidelity
5. Arya acts like or is called a boy
6. when any Lannister acts like a dick.

FOR ADVANCED DRINKERS:

7. The first person to yell “RAVEN!” when a raven appears on screen may force everyone else to drink

8: Everyone picks a house: every time someone says your house’s Name, Words, Sigil, or Home Town drink (for this rule consider “a Lannister always…” to be their House words).

EXPERT DRINKERS ONLY:

Substitute rule 1 with “when anyone DIES”

Anytime Somone is called by an unpleasant nickname (ie Kingslayer, Imp, Bastard, Little Finger et al)

Substitute rule 2 for “every time you see a nipple.

Everyone drinks when someone mentions winter and twice if they say it is coming.

For rule 8, everyone plays every house.