“I love you not only for what you are, but for what I am when I am with you.  I love you not only for what you have made of yourself, but for what you are making of me.  I love you for the part of me that you bring out.”     ~Elizabeth Barrett Browning

In order to do some “research,” I thought it may be fun to find out what men and women think we each should know about each other in order to have fulfilling and fun relationships.

Here is the first list for all of you men out there.  It is as true as I could make it based on conversations and experiences I have had myself and those of friends and colleagues.  It is all meant to be positive and for moving relationships forward (and I decided to have a little fun with it as well!).  Our goal is to have long-lasting and fulfilling relationships and once and for all get rid of the BS!

1. Hold the door for us – even independent women like that.
2. We are smart.  Let us know you know that by how you talk to us.
3. If you smell like the Abercrombie store, no matter what you look like, we will look twice.
4. We like to cuddle – and not just after sex.
5. If you cry while you watch “The Notebook” we will melt in your arms.
6. Scratchy lace, strings that go up our butt and bras that squish our boobs, although may be attractive to you, do not make us feel sexy.
7. We like to hear the sweet sound of our name.
8. Shave your back, or for more points, wax it.
9. Spitting, burping and farting in front of us is not a turn on.
10. Hold our hand like you mean it – we like that.
11. Don’t assume we know you love us.  Tell us AND show us.
12. We love to be pleasantly surprised.
13. Fresh flowers earn you sex points.
14. Contrary to popular belief, we like sex.  Especially when it involves a mutually orgasmic encounter.
15. If you start a sentence with “Dude,” we may be confused and not respond.
16. Pretending you are Mario Andretti when you drive, leaves us feeling a little nauseous and not in the mood for sex.
17. When you honk your horn and yell out your car window at us, think about how you would feel if someone did that to your mother or sister.
18. “Size doesn’t matter” is a myth. (A big heart goes a long way!)
19. Grabbing one of our breasts when we are upset does not make it all ok.  It puts one of your most precious body parts in danger!
20. We want and like to be woo-ed and romanced. (If you are not sure how to do this, see my next book coming out soon or the book below!)
21. Foreplay is not out rated.  Kissing, nuzzling and soft loving words will lead us to the bedroom more often than not.
22. Sex after marriage is still a reality if you treat us like you did when we were dating and give us time to miss you in between.
23. How you treat and talk about your Mom and ex’s is a clue to us as to how you may treat us in the future.
24. We like to be called by our first name, not our last.
25. We love to see you smile.  Don’t hold back!
26. We like to be kissed (and please no tongue on the first date!)
27. We cannot read your mind and we know you cannot read ours – most of us are not Sylvia Browne – the more you tell us about what you are thinking and feeling, the more we know what you need.
28. We don’t want you to fix our problem; we just want to be listened to.
29. Seeing our man do the dishes is sexy (especially if you are wearing only an apron!)
30. A text response of “Ok” or “Thanks” to a serious statement is not a response.
31. If you are nervous on a date, the best thing to do is take a breath and ask us a question.
32. Getting drunk or high is a turn off.
33. We are all looking for the fairy tale ending (“Cinderella,” “Officer and a Gentleman” and the end of “Sixteen Candles” are my personal favorites!).
34. Take care of yourself physically.  The only odor we should smell is that of flowers (see #13) or something like cologne (see #3).
35. We like to see bumps – muscle bumps not sugar lumps!
36. We all have some issues with anger.  If you really want to keep us around, “Anger Management 101” is recommended.
37. We like to have intelligent conversations.
38. Make us laugh when we are upset and you will have our heart.
39. Most women are looking for a “soul mate,” not a “sex mate.”  If you know we are not the one for you, let us know and move on nicely.
40. We love it when you are nice to our kids and treat them like you would your own.
41. Have a hobby and interests beyond us.  It’s ok to go out with the guys.
42. Be sweet to us and treat us like a princess.
43. Patience is a virtue.
44. Find something to compliment us on every day (we love it when you notice the small details -new haircut, earrings, etc.)
45. Pay attention – when you are with us, be with us.  Step away from the remote and mouse!
46. Care about how you look even when we are just watching a movie (Exception: Old t-shirts and wife beaters are ok when you are painting or doing a manly task ONLY!)
47. For God sakes, pick up a towel and wipe down the bathroom sink just once! (Lol!)
48. According to the Dali Lama (who I know is a man); kindness is the number one attribute people are searching for in a relationship.  So true!
49. We will love you with all of our hearts because that is just who we are.  All of the little things make the biggest difference – a soft caress, an expected gift, a touch of your hand, a kind word.  Never stop trying to court us.
50. Men lead with their bodies and women lead with their hearts.  The key to good sex is connecting with the heart and not so much with other things (although connecting those things aren’t bad either!)

Men, you now have an assignment.  After you read this, I need to come up with a list for the women to read.  Send your comments and suggestions for the list to chris@chrissopa.com with “list” in the subject line or comment to this blog.  Send them to me by Wednesday, August 8^th by 5:00pm EST and I will post them in my blog on Thursday, August 9^th as well as include them in my up-coming book on relationships.

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Recommended reading:

“If the Buddha Dated,” by Charlotte Kasl

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 ”I don’t pretend to know what love is for everyone, but I can tell you what it is for me; love is knowing all about someone & still wanting to be with them more than any other person, love is trusting them enough to tell them everything about yourself, including the things you might be ashamed of, love is feeling comfortable & safe with someone, but still getting weak knees when they walk into a room & smile at you.”   

Honoring and loving all of the men of my past, present and future,

Chris

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Chris Sopa is founder and owner of Chris Sopa International, Inc. You can learn more about her at www.ChrisSopa.com. Find her at Facebook.com/ChrisSopaInternational, Twitter @ChrisSopa, LinkedIn, and Google+.

Photo Source: Bya-Bya

To Be Romanced…

Let me share a secret with you about women.  We are all hopeless romantics; we just differ in the way it is expressed. Not all women are after the roses, love letters and the chocolates. Some are romanced with words, others, with acts of service. (There are actually five Love Languages. You can research the other three.) For example, let’s say you’re finishing this rush project, and it’s midnight already and you’re supposed to submit the final version by 10 am, but you’re barely halfway done. If a guy shows up at your door with a plate of your favorite dessert, just to make you feel better, I guarantee you our hearts would melt!

Then there is that guy who would make sure you’re being the best you can be. Elisabeth Eliot once talked about how she was pursued by her late husband, when they were not married yet. Jim Eliot would buy her vitamins, for her health was very frail, and make sure she was taking them. For her, no rose can compare to a dose of vitamin C.

We love to be rescued. That’s why fairy tales are always about damsels in distress. We are all wishing and waiting for that prince on a white horse who will come and save us from whatever trouble we are in. We love it when men are strong enough to take charge, but will not let us feel useless.

Being romanced does not end when you get into a relationship, or even when you get married. Although I am not married, I have seen how good marriages last because of the constant way the man romances his wife. I have watched how my dad would, out of the blue, buy something to surprise my mom, just because. He always makes sure that my mom knows and feels that he loves her very much.

You don’t need to be gallant. A simple “good morning” text is enough to turn our world upside down. It shows you care, and that you are thinking of her. You don’t need to follow what they do in movies (although personally, those are really good ideas!). Buying her favorite coffee to go when you see each other, accompanying her when she goes shopping (yes, it is still being romanced!), or even letting her read your prized collection of comic books will go a long way.

Photo Source: Discovery Channel

To Play An Irreplaceable Role in A Great Adventure

John Eldredge mentioned in his book Wild at Heart that men love adventure. They were created for it. But what most people don’t realize is that women love the adventure too. We want to be a part of that adventure. We are warriors too. That’s why mothers are very protective of their children. The thrill of knowing you were part of something great is irreplaceable.

Sometimes, guys tend to not want to include women in their adventures. Maybe because they think we will have a hard time, or that we will complain, and whatever other excuse. Personally, I never minded being out in the scorching heat, helping out in activities, because it made me a part of the adventure. We are not dainty creatures who are made of porcelain. We are stronger than that. Including us in your adventures tells us we are needed to help you out, that we have an irreplaceable role in your life.

Amazon women are known for their fierceness. Legend tells of men cowering in front of them. Their mere presence is enough to turn their knees into jelly. You can see that when you face the ire of a woman. When she is in her warrior mode, no amount of cajoling can prevent things from happening. But a woman is also merciful.  A mother, when she sees her child being bullied, hill have her hackles raised, but when she sees that the reason why the bully is such is because he is facing his parents’ divorce, she will quickly become the mother she is, and instead be a comfort to him.

Don’t leave us out. Take us along in your adventures, and you’ll realize just how important our roles are in them.

Photo Source: Etsy Summer

To Unveil Beauty

Women love to be told they are beautiful, not because we are vain, but because it is a God-given desire in humans to love beauty.  Never mind the extra 20 pounds that we have gained, or the remnants of the late nights at work evident in our faces. Never mind that things have started to jiggle where nothing used to jiggle before. Never mind that you now have the same waistline because of the several pregnancies she went through. Just as long as to the eyes of the one we love we are beautiful, nothing else matters.

Society is very critical of image. Ideal weight, ideal height, ideal vital statistics. The fashion industry praises those that look like they have not enjoyed their McDonald’s recently. You should be whiter, or darker, depending on the country you’re from. Flat chested women, women with no booties, women with huge ones, we come in all shapes and sizes. But no matter what we look like, we want to be appreciated for the way we look.

The book talked about how Eve was the finale of Creation. She wasn’t an afterthought. God created her as the icing to an already delicious cake.  I can only imagine what Adam felt when he saw Eve. I’m pretty sure I want a guy to react that way towards me one day!

They say women bloom when they are in love. Yes, that is true. Because that love is what fuels that bloom. When she feels loved and loved deeply, it will be evident in the outside. She feels this way because her questions in her heart have been answered. Someone is willing to fight for her, and be with her. That’s why brides are so beautiful on their wedding day. Because it is a culmination of what she’s been dreaming of her whole life.

But beauty is not only physical. She is also beautiful inside. Her presence makes things better. It feels good to be told, “I’m so glad you’re in my life.” Because we feel that we have contributed in making your life better, because you’ve accepted us, faults and all, yet still love us.

My friend recently gave birth, and she was telling me that there are days when you feel really ugly. You look like a whale, you feel so tired and unattractive. Then there’s a constant screaming for your attention of the little one. And the only way to make her feel better is when her husband tells her, you are very beautiful. Somehow, all those feelings are erased, and she is reaffirmed.

Don’t take compliments for granted. We appreciate being appreciated.

Of course, every woman is different, and there is no single kind of approach when you want to understand women. We can be complicated, I admit (I blame the hormones). But hopefully, you can enjoy getting to know us, and what makes us tick.