I was in the shower at about 5:10 this morning, groggy as hell, and I thought back to growing up in St. Michael, Minnesota.  Specifically, I remember hanging out with my friend Tim at his barn.  Yes, they had a barn – and a big one at that!  On the top floor there was a rope hanging from the middle and there was a platform which we could swing off of.  It was a total blast and many afternoons after school were spent up there.  The bottom portion of the barn was considerably less open.  While they occasionally had a horse it was usually empty – but had different areas sectioned off where animals could be housed.

You get TWO videos to watch this week;

Once again this weeks one of the really awesome video is from Whitest Kids ‘U Know. A young man goes in to a tattoo parlor and shenagins ensues;

And next is a video from a local comedian who you can check out at goremy.com who makes many a viral video. This week is his newest video called I Dominate!

TAKE A PEAK INTO MY WORLD!

or

SHIT THAT I HAVE POSTED ON MY TUMBLR PREVIOUSLY AND WILL NOW AGAIN POST HERE BECAUSE IT AMUSES ME AND THERE IS NO ONE TO FUCKING STOP ME.

by your pal, Conrad Noir.

And: my tumblarity is shit right now and that displeases me. Fuck tumblarity. Speaking of which…

Uh huh.

Just a few things I dig:

1. Lisa Bonet in Angel Heart. Hell yeah.

2. Motherfuckin’ popsicles.

3. Bjork!

4. Cash!

5. Metal album covers. Just look at that shit. Yngwie Malmsteen was a fucking douchebag, but just look at that album cover. It gets me hard. There’s enough metal there to build a fortress!

6. Holistic cures for insomnia.

7. Music that sounds like cunnilingus. Or inspires cunnilingus. Like, Blonde Redhead. Marco Sparks tells me that Benjamin Light loves Blonde Redhead.

8. Burgers. Mmm burgers.

9. Playing my guitar.

10. Grapes. They’re tasty. A touch boring at times, sure, but tasty.

But there’s so much more about me. Stay tuned for part two, you weirdos! See you then!

Não estou dizendo, quem diz é ele:

Please watch this video.  You’ll never think about grapes the same again.

The NYC highlights are finito, so now I shall present the problems that almost made the trip impossible.  And to keep up the nerdery spirit, I present them as… the Star Wars prequels, because they’re just as shitty.

EPISODE I
THE FENDER MENACE

To keep it short – I was going to drive my car to New York.  It’s a bit newer than Steve’s car, and it gets better mileage.  On the why to get its brakes checked, an accident occurred that smashed my radiator (and my front fender and headlights).  So much for that…

EPISODE II
ATTACK OF THE PLANS

I’m not sure on all the details, but Steve was on a business trip for the first half of the week.  He was supposed to get back Wednesday (we were leaving Thursday).  Then his job needed him to stay a bit longer.  Then his flights were delayed.  Then his layovers were lengthened.  He made it back barely in time for our night soccer game.  He didn’t get to get the oil and tires on his car checked, like he hoped.  So much for that…

Oh yeah, so that, plus I woke up at 6am on Thursday, hoping to get home early from work in order to nap before soccer.  But instead, a client’s computer blew up on me and it consumed – no, devoured – my day.  I was at the office until 8pm trying to fix it, and to print out all the maps and instructions for our trip.  So much for that…

EPISODE III
REVENGE OF THE SPECTRAL FOX

On the drive to the Big Apple from the Motor City, I was wired.  Steve slept a bit for the first part.  Around 5am, I drank one of those 5-hour energy boosters, and Steve woke up to talk.  All of the sudden, I hit the breaks.  I thought an animal ran in front of the car.  It wasn’t until the shock of it all settled in that I could describe it.

A small red shadowy smokey spectral creature, like a fox, rushed into the road, looked at me, then darted back to the brush.

Needless to say, at the next exit, we switched.  So much for that…

(Not So) Artistic Representation

So what’s next?  Perhaps this:

Für alle Online Gamer, ohne Worte:

Zach Cregger and Trevor Moore. Image by Frank Masi

I am fully aware that I hold an enormous bias for this movie because I adore the comedy troupe the two main stars hail from. I was first introduced to “The Whitest Kids U’ Know” when it debuted on Fuse, an alternative basic cable channel that has since evolved into MTV2. Yuck. For their second season the show moved to the independent movie channel, which sucks for me because you have to pay extra for that channel and I am the working poor, so our relationship had to end. After a year long  break up with Trevor and Zach, much to my delight,  they penned a disgustingly crass, morally repugnant movie featuring Craig Robinson, my absolute favorite, entitled, “Miss March”.

Whitest Kids U' Know

This movie absolutely tanked this weekend and will probably air on Comedy Central by April Fool’s Day. Yet I’d still watch this movie four more times before even considering going in on “Watchmen” again. At least “Miss March” knows it’s a bad movie. Doctor Manhattan..ha.

So the movie’s about a kid who slips into a 4 year coma only to wake up and find out that his virginal high school girlfriend is the Playboy of the month centerfold. He then goes on a cross country trip to the Playboy Mansion with his completely irrational best friend since childhood to reunite with his long lost love.

Now buyer beware, if you want morality, substance, or logic then NEVER watch this movie. If you love dick, fart and sex jokes then this movie was made for you. It is filth that your girlfriend will abhor you for laughing at, an abomination to which  critics pray to their pagan gods so that your eyes may never bare witness, however if you’re having a shitty day at work or you’ve got that weight of the world on your shoulders feeling ,then this is the dipshit comedy wet dream you’ve long awaited.

Block out his ridiculous dialogue and love on the fact that Trevor Moore speaks almost exclusively through unneccessary facial movement and in that way he’s the poor man’s Jim Carrey. I’ll be burned at the stake for that statement, it’s kind of a  longshot comparison but  he’s at least 25% better than Jamie Kennedy on his best day.

Zach Cregger plays the virginal main character “Eugene” and he is fantastic in the role. Playing the straight man in this bizarro universe must have proven difficult especially when going up against Craig Robinson who uproariously plays the hardcore gangsta rapper “Horsedick.Mpeg”. I refuse to spoil even one of the movie’s jokes, just know that the last scene with Horsedick is fucking priceless and worth the cost of admission alone.

In conclusion, feel free to hate on this movie but there’s at least a laugh in it for everyone I know and that’s more than can be said for the last 15 spin offs of National Lampoons …well anything.

Yesterday I interviewed Zach Cregger and Trevor Moore, members of The Whitest Kids U Know, but also writers/directors/stars of the new film Miss March, which opens today. It’s pretty generic, about a dude who is about to have sex with his virginal girlfriend on prom night, but he falls down the stairs and lapses into a coma for three years. When he wakes up, he discovers that she’s now a Playboy Playmate. He and his friend roadtrip to the Playboy mansion to win her back. It’s not that great, but I interviewed them anyway, and it was lots of fun. We talked about everything from Garden State to The Lonely Island’s “Like a Boss.” Listen to the interview in three parts below. I’ve even given you some helpful time stamps to know what to expect at certain parts.

The deeper voice is Moore and the softer one is Cregger. Sometimes Zach and I sound similar, but you can always tell me because I’m asking the questions, and I sound country.

Part 1

0:00 – The guys talk about their reluctance about making the movie and what finally got them to do it.
2:00 – They mention the offbeat things they threw in to stay away from the cliches.
3:30 – The previous interviewer, Cory, who led a fantastic interview basically revolving around hitting on them, leaves. They call him sexy.
3:55 – They talk about the challenges of this being their feature-length directing debut.
5:40 – Garden State is mentioned.
6:15 – They talk about the scene in the auditorium with a bunch of kids.
7:00 – A hilarious discussion about working with animals leads into a talk of tasering kids.
7:48 – They talk about going up against Medea Goes to Jail.
8:20 – They discuss the desert scene, and Zach promises they aren’t primadonnas.

Part 2

0:00 – We talk about the stunts in the movie.
1:57 – The guys talk about chilling with Hugh Hefner and discussing monkeys and quickies.
2:22 – This joke is in reference to the interview prior, which was a bit homoerotic, and found the interviewer making a euphemism regarding the long, black microphone he was using to record them. I had a small, white digital recorder.
4:50 – The guys discuss the Horsedick.mpg joke.
5:58 – Trevor implies that the name Phil is criteria for dorkdom.
6:24 – Zach has strong words for Phils.
6:54 – A Garden State discussion comes up.
7:48 – A discussion of Natalie Portman and then The Lonely Island’s “Like a Boss” starts, including Zach and me quoting the song.
8:50 – I ask about stories like a haunted set, and they proceed to tell me ghosts aren’t real. Then I reference Cory again, who was hitting on them.

Part 3

0:00 – Unlike the other guy, who said he had a last thing but was making it up, I do have a last thing.
0:43 – Zach tells me not to fuck them, and then talks about Phil again.
1:10 – They give advice to college kids (blaze up).
1:40 – We discuss Wal-Mart generic brand weed.

Ich würd sagen, Geschmackssache. Aber es ist verdammt catchy. Eine Comedy Gruppe aus NY (USA).

Sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry.

I am a poor excuse of a responsible ‘blog’ man.  I will try and update more regularly.

Drawing!

I’ve been thinking of doing a painting or a few of these kinds of drawings I keep doing.  I would actually use references though.  I think they could be interesting all big and colorful and texture-y.  We’ll see…

Here’s a page in my sketchbook thats just doodles!

I’ve been drawing a lot with, like, these BIC pens and I don’t know why.  I’m not particularly fond of the way they come out.  I think it has to do with how smooth they are and how I don’t need to sharpen them every five minutes.  I draw really heavy I think.  I need to find a happy medium between these and erasable pencils so I can make some “finished” things.

Here are some comic pages/panels I’m working on to prove that I’m actually going to do it:

There are 12 more pages like this I think.  I’m really going to try and finish it, but it’s been so long since the trip happened that making a comic doesn’t seem as funny as it once did.  So, we’ll see how it turns out.  I tried doing it all on my tiny sketchbook, but that was a dumb idea.  I’m going to sketch it all out in there, and then make it BIG.  Also, you can see that I really don’t have a story written in.  It’s more like I have a bunch of jumbled ideas that I believe will somehow come together and make sense in the end.

I want to start a weekly (at least, maybe BI-weekly!) comic about whatever is going on in my life or my head.  It will be sort of autobiographical.  However, I am lazy.  Hopefully you will see it soon, but knowing myself like I do, that doesn’t seem likely.

That’s it today, I hope I update tomorrow!

It’s that time of the month again!  This Saturday night at midnight, come on down to the UCB Theater to see Kumail and Thomas argue about Fallout 3, make fun of powerups in old games, and hang out with guests Timmy Williams and Sam Brown from The Whitest Kids U Know!

It’s hilarious fun, and it’s only $5!

Saturday night at midnight!

Game Bros. LIVE! at the UCB!

Go here to join the Facebook group, and go here to reserve seats.  They’re flying off the shelves like…hotcakes?

Fantastically awkward. I kinda wish I worked with this guy…

When my down-the-hall dorm buddy Allison told me to go google “Hiphopopotamus vs Rhymenoceros” and I came back five minutes or so later in utter hysterics, I knew I’d found a gem. I love me some Flight of the Concords, and if you’re here enough, I’m sure you know I’m not the only one. Still, if someone told me to pick my favorite Internet/TV comedy group, I wouldn’t pick FotC. They’re just not…white enough. Not like the Whitest Kids U’Know.

I stumbled on these guys a good few years back when friend linked me an old favorite, the Hitler Rap (more on that later). I was a fairly loyal fan for a while, checking new skits on their site and even once going to a cramped, out-of-the-way basement show in the city. With their Internet fame raising steadily but surely, it was inevitable that someone high up would trip over their acts and find them hilarious. So WKUK got their spot in the limelight, and they haven’t quite left it yet. They had their own show on Fuse for a while, but a lot of the sketches had to be censored, so they wandered over to IFC, where I believe they still are now.

No worries, though. If you don’t have cable, you can still see just about every WKUK video ever recorded on good ol’ Youtube. But what can you expect to see when you type this fairly questionable name into the search function? Well, suffice it to say that WKUK humor is not for the weak of heart… or easily offended.

Like I said, the Hilter Rap was my introduction to WKUK. It takes a lot to jar me, but I was a little wary of something with a title like that. The fact that the person who linked me to it was Jewish didn’t help much. Still, lines like, “What I bet y’all didn’t know is that I’m down with the Jews/ The gypsies, homosexuals, and retards too/ Cuz I stopped burnin’ people, started burnin’ CD’s/ Stopped battling the world, started battlin’ MC’s” never fail to make me giggle (and sing along). Trevor, the head of this controversial-at-best group, sings in quite a few of his skits, covering topics that no one’s comfortable talking about like date rape, homosexuality, and…getting high with dinosaurs?

Trevor’s greatest hits aside, most WKUK skits are verbal. While some are just silly, the best ones seem to be on the worst topics. One of my favorites is about a guy with Attention Deficit Disorder – you have to watch it to appreciate it – and another great one is actually centered on just how unsavory their comedy can be.

I could list off favorites from now until doomsday (or until I run out of skits, whichever came first). Still, what’s funny about WKUK is their unabashed determination to poke fun at things that make a lot of people squirm. And while life can be rather serious, it certainly doesn’t always have to be. Sure, the Whitest Kids U Know aren’t for everybody. In fact, they’re probably not for most. But if you can handle them, give the Kids a chance. You’ll thank me for it.

(You’re welcome, Internet.)

Newscoma and I were listening to the National Lampoon comedy channel on my XM radio this afternoon while riding across this great land of ours.

What we heard was completely inappropriate and completely hysterical.

The Whitest Kids U Know presented a ditty entitled “Get a New Daddy”.

Brilliant.