The Wife:

In what I’d like to believe is a very interesting commentary on the US Military’s “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” policy, the models were asked to have a very sexy “Ménage À Model” aboard the battleship USS New Jersey, dressed as military personnel secreting themselves away for some naughty, sexy fun times with their other officers. This is exactly how I believe the military operates, if I ignore my parents’ service records and the ongoing war and just pretend in a romanticized version of the military culled from various porn and 1940s musicals starring Gene Kelly. This was a super, super hot photoshoot, and I think the models knew it, too. Especially Kerryn, who continued lusting after virginal Colin when he dressed up like the Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy from Company B. Don’t even worry, Kerryn. I would totally be all over Colin in that outfit. I would basically be all over all of these models, actually:

• Mountaha, Gabriel and Sandhurst posed together as a very gropy trio of sailors. Sometimes, it was a Mountaha sandwich, sometimes a Sandhurst sandwich . . . whoa . . . someone should totally create a sandwich called the Sandhurst. I don’t know what would be on it, but it sounds very regal. The main issue with this shoot was Gabriel, as usual, being a pouty doucheface and Sandhurst getting a little too gropey on Mountaha.
• Jordan, Amanda and Branden were grouped together for a voyeuristic sailor shot, where the two girls who hate each other most in the house had to lez it up while Branden posed off to the side as Billy Budd having a strange mastrubatory fantasy.
• Bugle Boy Colin posed with Laury and Salome in old school Army uniforms, having a saucy makeout session. Colin was really hot in this picture. Like, really hot.
• Jonathan and Kerryn got stuck with CJ, who, while she’s allegedly bisexual, showed absolutely no interest in making fake love to either of her scene partners for this photo. Kerryn went to a Christian modeling school (whatever the fuck that is) and she managed to pretend to have a libido in this shot, so I would expect CJ to up her game a little bit, but no. Thank God Jonathan’s chiseled abs completely distracted me from her presence; otherwise she would have brought the whole photo down.

Jonathan was awarded the winning photo and given a go-see at 2(x)ist, a brand of underwear that I am told is only worn by gay men. And boy howdy did the gentlemen of 2(x)ist adore Jonathan:

“Jonathan was amazing. I was a little nervous. My palms were sweaty.” – 2(x)ist representative

They did not, on the other hand, enjoy Jonathan’s friend Gabriel quite as much. Even though Gabriel truly loves underwear and spends most of his time in the house wearing nothing but, the folks at 2(x)ist were not as impressed with Gabriel. They were especially not impressed that he left his dirty drawers behind, a fact they asked Jonathan to express to Gabriel when they later called to inform the Suffolk plumber that he had just become the face of their new campaign.

That’s right: Jonathan booked a national ad campaign. Proof positive that this show actually gives more of a shit about how modeling works and produces real, working high fashion and commercial models. Maybe after ANTM has its short girls season, it can do a season for male models?

Cory dropped by this week to check up on everyone’s measurements, and poor Salome was deemed too fat by one whole inch to work with NY Model Management. Poor Salome. I’m sure Mennonites know nothing about nutrition, which would explain her aversion to eating “rabbit food.” As a vegetarian, I can’t tell you how much I hate when people refer to eating vegetables as “rabbit food” as though ingesting them somehow makes you less human. That phrase needs to be looked at in an entirely different light, as in, “It’s generally good for you to eat things rabbits eat. And a rabbit would damn sure not eat a Hot Pocket.”

In keeping with the theme of supreme sexiness, the Catwalk Challenge from “Ménage À Model” asked the models to walk in a gender-bending fashion show with designs from Commes de Garcon and Marc Jacobs’ Men in Dresses campaign and some chic YSL skinny suits for the ladies. Gabriel and CJ were, as always, nothing but dour on the runway, and although I liked CJ’s outfit best out of all the girls, she mentioned that she really doesn’t like being looked at, which made me yell at her through my television set and proclaim that if she isn’t into being looked at, she is definitely in the wrong business.

The judges called for CJ, Sandhurst, Jonathan, Gabriel, Kerryn and Mountaha as their Best and Worst of the evening. Kerryn was declared the winner and CJ finally got the boot, leaving only one exceptionally dour person to ruin everything for everyone.

This week, the models were asked to “Take a Deep Breath” and pose underwater for photographer Howard Schatz, a task apparently designed to torture poor Mennonite Salome, who opened this episode with one of the funniest things I’ve ever heard:

“Oh no! I can’t swim! Or I don’t know how to breathe underwater!”

Well, yeah, girl, swimming is generally a combination of “breathing underwater” and moving, so if you can’t do either of those things, you’re pretty fucked. I don’t know much about Mennonites, but was swimming in the watering hole really not allowed when Salome was a kid? As someone who has lived on the Pacific Coast for her entire life (and soon will live on the Puget Sound), I can’t imagine intentionally living in a place that does not have an immediate source of water. That strikes me as biologically insane. Maybe its because my father was a sailor and, though he never wanted to take to the sea again after I was born (to this day, my mother has to beg him to go on cruises with her), it was imperative for him to live in a place where he could easily see that water was around him, but I just can’t understand living in a place that isn’t only a short distance from an ocean, lake or river. As such, I am exceptionally baffled by most of the American Southwest. So for a grown person to not know how to swim strikes me as extremely, extremely odd. I just cannot wrap my brain around it, but I guess that’s what I get growing up a sailor’s daughter on the California Coast.

Howard was, however, exceptionally patient with Salome, and bless her little heart, she did a great job of acting like she wasn’t scared to death of drowning. Howard taught everyone a trick to increase their lung capacity so they could stay underwater for longer periods of time (a trick I admittedly do not know, even though I used to be a pretty strong swimmer), and he let Salome practice extra long while the others did their shots until she felt comfortable. Even when, during her shoot, she couldn’t figure out how to get her head back up to the surface, Howard admonished his crew for not coming to her aid quickly enough, and told her he could still get a good shot with her one hand out of the water, holding on to a bar, or with a crew member holding her foot so he could propel her to the surface when she felt she needed to breathe again. But Salome refused the bar because she wanted to do the shot right, and I applaud her for that. She didn’t let her fear hold her back, and she managed to produce a very pretty shot. Bravo, Salome. I am much more proud of you than Nicole Trufino is pretending to be.

As for other shots, Gabriel thought he did excellently, but Howard felt like Gabe had nothing going on in his head brain, Amanda struggled to not show a whole bunch of her vagine in her photo and Branden got really, really cocksure:

“He said all I had to do is look pretty. That’s what I do best, bitch!”

Jordan was awarded the win and sent on a go-see at People’s Revolution, to which she brought Salome, saying that the girl deserved a prize after her hardship at the shoot today. Salome joked that it was in Jordan’s best interest to bring “the fat girl” with her so she would book the job for sure. And, lo, that came to pass. Despite Jordan’s grotesquely large hips, she fit right into the samples and the folks at People’s Revolution liked her better, finding Salome to be a little too full-figured for their taste. Oh, girl, if you are full figured, then what does that make ANTM Cycle 10 winner Whitney Thompson? And even then, we all know the “plus size” girls on ANTM are not actually plus size. Fashion industry! Stop with your ridiculous standards!

After the shoot and go-see, everyone took some time at the house to party down and play beer pong. Jonathan bounced a ping pong ball off of Laury’s vagine, which was totally awesome, and the Amanda and Gabriel flirtation found a new way to be annoying as they descending from wasting delicious Blue Moon beer by pouring it on one another’s faces to getting in a tiff after he hit her on the head and teased her about being stupid (specifically, not having a brain in her head, thus producing a hollow sound). Amanda decided she wasn’t going to talk to him anymore, which I think should have been fine with everyone, who should have noticed in his dismal photoshoot that he would be leaving them after the catwalk.

Because of the water in the photoshoot, Nicole Trufino announced that the Catwalk Challenge would also be elemental, with the girls dressed as fire and the boys dressed as ice. Ice, by the way, is not actually an element. It’s kind of just frozen water. Why not have them be metal or earth? Or, if we’re using the Captain Planet system of naming elements, heart? I would have been much more amused by Gabriel’s performance had he been forced to wear a monkey on his shoulder. Before they all changed into their designs by Dolce and Gabbana and Alexander McQueen, runway coach David Ralph helped everyone perfect their walk. Most notably, Colin was told he should walk like a string was drawing his belt buckle forward. In other words, he had to learn to walk with his cock. This is good on the runway, but when you see someone walk with their cock in real life, it’s actually quite odd. I knew a guy in high school that did that. It was weird.

Branden, Sandhurst, Mountaha, Salome, Jordan, Gabriel and Laury were chosen as this week’s Best and Worst. Branden was called out for his cockiness by both David Ralph and Perou. Man, you know it’s bad when a first rate douchebag like Perou is calling you cocky. Salome was told that she’s girlfriend attractive, but not model attractive, because she’s curvy. Perou liked her sexy walk because he’s a man and men like sexy walks, but not because it was good for a model. She was, however, saved because she survived the water torture they put her through earlier. Ultimately, Gabriel was ousted because he just can’t get that damn sour look off his face and Sandhurst, who is consistently pretty awesome, was given the win.

I really like Salome, and I hope she doesn’t lose too much of what makes her sexy by conforming stringently to what NY Model Management wants her to be. Even if she doesn’t win this show, I am certain that another agency will take her because she takes such strong pictures. She might just turn out to be a more editorial girl than a runway girl, and that’s really not a bad career to have.

The Wife:

McKey! Hooray!

This episode didn’t go entirely the way I wanted it to, of course, but I believe the right girl won. McKey was the only girl with no appearances in the bottom two this season, and I truly believe that McKey has consistently improved throughout the course of the show and that consistent improvement is a good cornerstone to have in the decision to crown America’s Next Top Model. Had Analeigh won, I would have felt the same way. However, Analeigh fell victim to something strange that I don’t entirely understand.

For the first part of the episode, the three remaining girls went off to film their CoverGirl commercials in Amsterdam’s waterways. They had to memorize their lines, the first of which was in Dutch. Once again, CoverGirl representative Elyssa Traub was there, wearing Samantha’s haircut better than that retarded troll doll does. I once again hoped that Elyssa would just kill her and get it over with, but alas, that did not come to pass.

Sam’s commercial had little eye contact and a complete lack of energy. When she filmed her kiss at the end, she was strangely concerned with getting herpes from her scene partner. What? Really, Samantha? If you’re going to continue modeling, you’re going to have to stop saying things like that because it’s really unprofessional. McKey was a little bit shakey-shakey during her first few takes, which eased up in later takes. Much like her work in the competition, she improved greatly over the course of the shoot. Analeigh shot herself in the foot, apparently, when she blanked on her Dutch lines, which threw her off her game and made her perform badly. Jay let her do the commercial line by line, which produced much better results. For Jay, this meant Analeigh was good at taking direction.

Then the girls went off to shoot their print ad with Jim de Yonker, official CoverGirl photographer. Jim thought Samantha’s shoot went fine, but said:

“She needed to be a little more clever and imaginative.”

I think that statement generally applies to Samantha’s life. She’s certainly not very clever (concerned with herpes, unable to understand the complexities of legalized prostitution, thinks all Europeans hate America), and, for the most part, her modeling is not very imaginative. Save for the great shot she did in the Tyra shoot in those harem pants, I don’t think a single one of her photos is really thinking outside the box and being edgy or high fashion.

From there, the girls went to panel with guest judge Addy Van Der Krommenacker, the designer in whose runway show the final two would be walking. The judges found Sam’s best take from the commercial shoot to be choppy, insecure and unconvincing. They liked her CoverGirl shot and found it to be very pretty, but didn’t like her forced smile, which caused them to question their assessment of her as a commercial model. She looks commercial in person, but they think she’s secretly a high fashion edgy girl. (Frankly, I think she’s going to have to actually learn something about fashion before she can move into being non-commercial.) The judges were sadly unimpressed with Analeigh’s best take, and were shocked to see so natural an actress fumble. Paulina likened her CoverGirl shot to an actress’ headshot. Looking too much like an actress is the kiss of death on this show, evidently. The judges praised McKey’s best take, which proved she was a better performer when she memorized her lines than when she read them off a teleprompter in a previous challenge. Nigel said her print ad was the only one of the three that looked like it belonged to a model. Tyra, on the other hand, noticed that McKey, sometimes, has Manson Lamps when shooting. How did I not notice that? I’m usually really good at spotting Manson Lamps.

The judges decided to put McKey and Samantha into their top two, leaving Analeigh to return home to Sacramento. I don’t entirely understand this choice, as Analeigh has been consistently improving and a bad commercial has not stopped girls from moving on to the final two before. (May I remind you all of the trainwreck that was CariDee’s Catalan commercial?) Moreover, even with one bad commercial take, Analeigh still delivered an overall commercial performance that was warm, inviting and leaps and bounds better than Samantha’s. Furthermore, she walks better than Samantha and would have been a better performer in the runway show. So why not choose Analeigh? Because we needed to have one finale where two short haired girls faced off against each other? That would be a ridiculous reason. It must be because she looks like an actress, because I can’t think of any other reason not to keep her over that retarded troll doll, who can’t seem to get her head out of the mall and into fashion. She does not deserve this.

Tyra did give Analeigh some good parting advice, though, to go after spokesmodel campaigns because those seem to be the best way for her to utilize her talents. I look forward to seeing Analeigh in Macy’s commercials in the future.

The Addy Van Der Krommenacker runway show went off almost without incident, save for Samantha being nearly late to a cue because she couldn’t find her shoe. Obviously, she didn’t think to steal someone else’s, which is what you do at a fashion show rather than be late for call. I loved the styling choices Van Der Krommenacker chose for his fashions, which were an interesting hybrid of what the 1960s actually looked like and the visions people from the 1960s had of the future. I thought his Jackie O-inspired coats were gorgeous, and his ball gowns were incredible pieces of work, although I would never choose them for myself. Whitney Thompson, winner of Cycle 10, led the show in a gorgeous pink ball gown that hugged her curves better than any of the vaguely arty New York styles CoverGirl made her wear in their commercials. McKey wore everything with cool beauty and grace, but Samantha really looked out of place in Van Der Krommenacker’s finery. She just seemed so uncomfortable. I assume this is because she’s never worn anything nice before in her life. Honestly, there were times on the runway where she looked like she was a girl at her junior prom whose date just left her for another hotter, less troll-doll-looking girl.

The girls showed up at panel in Van Der Krommenacker dresses that he gifted to them for participating in the show, McKey in a pink halter and Sam in an ice blue dress that did not look good on her at all. McKey chose to slick her hair back a la Linda Evangelista, which is what you do when you have short hair and are wearing an evening gown. Sam, on the other hand, just wore her hair the way she usually does, which is not what you do when you have short hair and are wearing a ball gown. It made her look like she was on her way to prom and she was trying on dresses in a department store, utterly childish and completely out of place. She had time to wash her hair and take out the crap they put in it from the fashion show. Why couldn’t she have gone backstage and asked Christian Marc to put some fingerwaves up in those locks to at least make her look like she was supposed to be wearing that ball gown?

Tyra, on the other hand, showed up at panel looking like she was either part of the Rhythm Nation, from the future or an extra in The Apple. I can’t quite tell, but I was a little afraid. In the judges critique of the girls’ runway performances, they said that McKey was great at showing the clothes and holding a strong face, and that Sam gave a good performance, but held too much worry in her mouth. Then we all took a trip to recapville where we compared the girls pictures side-by-side to see who should win. After that and some deliberation from the judges, Tyra crowned McKey America’s Next Top Model, and McKey promptly picked Tyra up and gave her a big bear hug, just as it should be.

McKey winning ANTM was not the most important thing that happened in TyraLand this week. Over on her talk show, she dedicated an hour to Isis, which culminated in Tyra introducing her to gender reassignment surgeon Dr. Marci Bowers (a transwoman herself), who agreed to help Isis raise money for her bottom surgery if Isis would allow Dr. Bowers to be her surgeon. Isis agreed, and Tyra asked if Isis would be so kind as to let Miss Banks and her crew follow Isis’ journey through her final transition, to which Isis also agreed (which I think means that she will have no problem paying for that surgery after all.)

All is well in TyraLand tonight. The right girl won ANTM, and Isis will finally be able to fully become the beautiful woman that she is.

The Husband:

In honor of McKey’s win – seriously, if it wasn’t going to be Marjorie, there was no doubt that it could have been anybody other than this here gorgeous, strong and delightfully goofy model who was only the fourth ANTM contestant (and second winner) to never place in the bottom two – I shall now list all the nicknames I gave to her instead of the arbitrary nickname McKey. (Don’t forget, she’s actually a Brittany. Brittany Sullivan. I wonder how she’s going to continue on in the fashion world and with what name.)

• Mylar
• Mukluk
• Mudblood
• Mmmmmm… (my wife’s suggestion)
• Mulroney
• MacDougal
• Mimzy
• Mamajama
• Magoo
• Mukymuk
• Mithrail
• Mabbawabba
• Mnemonic
• Molar
• Moonraker
• Mongo
• Dirty Dingus Magee

Thanks for reading us this season. We had a great time doing recaps, loving on Marjorie, McKey, Elina and Analeigh, and calling out people like Sheena and Samantha for being haters and dickbags.

We’ll see you again in January.

The Wife:

Who knew that models on ANTM were so concerned about defending their homeland, America the Free, and keeping out the opinions of foreign immigrants who maybe, just maybe, might have been raised differently in their native lands, whether they are France or Ukraine? I certainly didn’t, and while I expected this kind of idiocy from Samantha the Retarded Troll Doll, I certainly didn’t expect it of Sheena, who until this point had been nothing but kind and encouraging to her castmates.

The fight started thusly: Marjorie and Elina commiserated about being raised differently in Europe, expressing the fact that they were both raised in cultures that denied them the ability to freely show their emotions. French Marjorie and Ukrainian Elina were both told by their parents that crying, in particular, is a weakness and that they shouldn’t do it because that would show people how weak they are. As a result, the two girls grew up doing very little “sharing of feelings.” Retarded Troll Doll Samantha immediately took their comments about the differences in the way they were raised to be an affront to her beloved US of A and started asking the girls if they even liked living in the United States at all, implying that they should just go back to where they came from. Sheena then joined in, telling Elina and Marjorie that they need to stop blaming everything on being immigrants because Sheena’s mother, after all, is an immigrant and Sheena doesn’t have any problems. (But Sheena, you were born here and raised here. Elina and Marjorie both came here after age 8.) Elina and Marjorie, keeping their cool, insisted that they were not saying they had any dislike of America (they don’t), but simply pointing out that they were raised differently than the other girls.

The fight continued later in the house after Elina won the challenge, which consisted of a teach by the Aswirl Twins, Ron and Richard Harris, to demonstrate to the girls how to work garments and accessories on the runway. Putting their newfound accessory pimping skills to good use, the girls walked in an “Invisible Model” runway show for Nony Totcherman, whose designs have recently been featured on the CW’s Privileged. For some reason, they chose James St. James to introduce this challenge. I love James St. James, but this was clearly a misuse of his awesomeness. On the bright side, though, his very presence did really make me want to watch Party Monster again. Marjorie’s dress fell down on the runway, much to her embarrassment (good thing you had that green body suit on!), and Sheena insisted that this challenge would be a breeze for her, which is perhaps why she did nothing onstage but swirl and swirl and swirl around:  “I can damn sure work a scarf. I can turn a scarf into a dress.”

Really? Because maybe that’s one of the reasons the judges think you’re always too sexy: you think scarves have enough fabric in them to be dresses. Judge Anne Shoket was rather unimpressed by everyone in this challenge, as was Nony Totcherman, but since they had to give the prize of a Holiday photoshoot in Seventeen magazine to someone, they decided to reward Elina, who did the most graceful job in this pile of crap of showing off an exaggerated sleeve. Elina chose Marjorie and Analeigh to accompany her on the shoot, which, for the record, had nothing to do with holidays as far as I can see. Unless your definition of a holiday is New Year’s Eve, because that’s the only one I could think of that would have been in anyway related to what these girls were wearing.

Instantly, the house turned on Elina, fueling their jealousy of her challenge win with their collective erroneous views on how much Elina hates everything America stands for, which apparently includes holidays now, too. In the confessional, Samantha rails about how pissed off she is that Elina won the holiday shoot, claiming that Elina hates holidays because she is an atheist. Hey, man, I’m an atheist and I love holidays. You know why? Because I like not going to work and occasionally getting presents and/or a free meal. What’s not to love about that? Samantha’s assertion, of course, makes no sense, because she’s a Retarded Troll Doll. Now, I can potentially imagine a scenario when, in the house, atheist Elina complained about the idea of formerly religious holidays becoming secular and overly commercialized. (Like Frances McDormand in Almost Famous, perhaps she has Christmas in September when she knows it won’t be commercialized . . . if she believed in God.) I don’t recall ever hearing such a statement come out of Elina’s mouth, but Samantha apparently does and she lives there so I’ll believe her. But my statements still stand: Samantha doesn’t make sense.

Sheena got into the fray at this point, when Analeigh scolded Samantha for making incredibly racists Asian accents. Analeigh reminded Samantha that some people in the house might take offense to that (and America! Because you’re on TV!) and Sheena busted in to defend her shouting that she’s Asian and she don’t even care. Elina immediately identifies this tension as a remnant from the limo fight and asks how the house can resolve the conflict. Sheena then gets all up in her face about the holiday issue and whether or not that conflicts with Elina’s beliefs as an atheist. I lost track of the flow of this argument (for which my debate coach would surely scold me), but it basically came down to no resolution and Elina saying in the confessional that she’s really just here for the competition, i.e. she’s not here to make friends.

The girls were then herded off to their photoshoot, with terribly ill Joslyn wondering how she would be able to get through it. Mr. Jay introduced their photographer Frank Okenfets and told the girls that they would be filming their CoverGirl commercial this week, with the help of a teleprompter. Whitney was there to do her standard plug of CoverGirl products and then swiftly departed. I’m a little disappointed by the addition of the teleprompter, because it tells me that Tyra really has no faith in the girls she chooses. Sure, there are always commercial mishaps, but that’s part of shooting a commercial. However, with the teleprompter, the girls are limited to only 5 takes, which tells me that Bankable Productions must have spent a lot on that teleprompter and not a lot on film. One thing I noticed about this shoot is that the CoverGirl rep on set had Samantha’s Agyness Deyn haircut and was wearing a very similar outfit to the one Sam had on in her shoot. I was hoping that the CG rep would just kill her outright for being a doppelganger, but alas, I had to watch Samantha do her commercial take. Poor Joslyn got sick on set and vomited into a trashcan, and her illness unfortunately translated into her commercial. Virtually no one excelled at this, but Analeigh and Sheena did turn out decent performances that put them at the top of the pack.

At judging, Tyra revived the Judging Test, a favorite embarrassment of mine, and made the girls walk the runway in oversized Dutch clogs, which Samantha looked like a total fucking dickbag while attempting to walk in (maybe that’s her bowlegs’ problem, huh?), all to introduce the fact that the girls who survived this leg of the competition would be going to Amsterdam! (Apparently, next week they’ll be posing in peep show windows, to which I say: awesome, because it makes up for that fact that in the “We’re going to Holland!” dancing with windmills segment, no one busted out hookers and hash brownies.)

As far as the commercials were concerned, Tyra was unimpressed with the fact that Samantha can’t read off a teleprompter, which I suspect might be due to the fact that she can’t read at all. Night thought Marjorie’s commercial was too rushed, and Miss J compared her to a chicken. Analeigh received the high praise of having the best CoverGirl commercial in ANTM history, with a special note from the director that she was the only one who actually used the product in her commercial. Joslyn showed her sickness throughout her take, and Paulina thought she oversold it with her exaggerated arm movements. Elina was compared to a closed fist, and her mortal enemy Sheena was praised for how well her Sheena-ness works on TV. At this time, Miss J also coined a catchphrase about Sheena’s walk: The Sheena Inky Slink. It’s a thing. You all have to do it now. Finally, McKey’s commercial was pegged as one of the most awkward of the bunch and dubbed simply “not good” by Tyra.

Callouts: Analeigh, Sheena, Samantha, Marjorie and McKey, leaving Elina and Joslyn to battle it out for a ticket to Amsterdam. In the end, despite Sheena and Samantha’s chanting of “Come on, Joslyn. Come on,” Tyra chose Elina, the girl who already looks like a supermodel and has way more potential than poor sick Joslyn. I think this is the first time that an African-American girl hasn’t made it into the final six, which is interesting, but it was Joslyn’s time to go. She wouldn’t have done well in Amsterdam with her illness, and she’d been fading into obscurity for the past few weeks, whereas Elina has delivered great photos from week to week, no matter how reserved she may be otherwise.

So, fuck you, Sheena and Samantha. I always hated you, Samantha. But Sheena? I was rooting for you. In fact, we all were, but you’ve proven to me that you’re just as petty as the rest of the girls in this house and now I hate you as much as I hate that Retarded Troll Doll you call your friend. Please redeem yourself and become the Sheena I know you are deep inside.
The Husband:

I know that editing could very easily have made Samantha and Sheena look dumber and more ignorant than they really were, but they still said some pretty awful and bizarre things. Firstly, since when does being an atheist have anything to do with holidays? Do the two of them think that all holidays are based around religion? Every single one of them? And what about the ethnic holidays Samantha doesn’t celebrate? (I doubt, for instance, that this Woodland Hills creature celebrates Rosh Hashanah.) Do those count, or are they just talking about the big ones? Why are they drinking so much Haterade?

And even if they were addressing solely the Christian holidays, I’m pretty sure they live in America where you can put that aside to still understand and celebrate the holiday. My mother is an atheist former Catholic and my father is a self-described “agnostic Jew,” but we celebrate Christmas ever year, the American Christmas with the presents and the tinsel and the awesome songs and cartoon characters and Charlie Brown and yearly viewings of The Ref. I’m pretty sure atheists care about that holiday just fine. (Let’s not even get into the fact that Christmas is technically a mishmash of many different traditions and faiths aside from Christianity, including the Pagan celebration of Yule.)

Huh? You make no sense, Samantha and Sheena. Atheism is not the belief in nothing. That’s nihilism. All atheism means is that one does not believe in the existence of a god, and does speak at all of morality (which is not technically religion’s domain in the first place).

I do think, though, that Samantha never said anything remotely close to implying that the two of them should go back to their countries of origin, and that Elina was being a bit too sensitive as far as that was concerned. I just think that Samantha was just being a general dickbag, but was more simply confused about the immigrant experience.

But Sheena, you do not speak for all Asians (and I think it’s offensive that you think you can represent a couple dozen countries by yourself, which is like me saying I’m Mexican), and just because you don’t seem to mind that Samantha sounds like Mickey Rooney in Breakfast At Tiffany’s does not mean it’s not offensive.

Ahh…racial tension. Such a fiery topic, and nobody ever seems to be right. What a strange focus for an ANTM episode, but I can’t say I didn’t see it coming.

I do, however, think that having the girls pose in whore windows in Amsterdam gives Americans a very strange ideal of The Netherlands. I mean, sure, prostitution is legal there, but for once in my life I find the concept for the challenge distasteful and might cast a very bizarre gloss over this cycle’s contestants. We’ll see when we get there, though. Prove me wrong, Tyra.