Probability that they’ll die on this mission: 100%.
Probability that Kirk will console their widows, then shag them: Also 100%.

(William Shatner and the Red Shirts)

It is their fate

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‘Visiting Hours’ is an attempt to bulk up on the Canadian content here in the dungeon. Filmed in Montreal Quebec in 1982 starring Canadian born actor Michael Ironside as the killer, Colt Hawker. Also getting top billing is Canuck, William Shatner, even though he is only on screen for about 15 minutes. This films poster is pretty cheesy but I quite like it. I remember it well from back in the day. It boggles my mind that I’ve never seen this film before!

Outspoken TV Journalist Deborah Ballin comes out in support of a woman who inadvertently cripples her husband in self-defence. Later that evening Ballin is attacked in her home by an assailant who manages to slash her with a knife several times before being interrupted by a visitor. Ballin has sustained serious injuries and is taken to the local hospital. She fears for her life and knows her attacker will find her and finish what he started, but she is not taken seriously. Her claims become founded when dead bodies start showing up.

Hospitals freak me out. Films that take place in hospitals should be more frightening than they usually are. Too many directors just don’t use the setting to its full effectiveness. ‘Visiting Hours’ comes closer than most, but still doesn’t quite hit the mark. The film feels disjointed. It was like they squashed two different films together. It appears as though they couldn’t decide whether they wanted to make a thought provoking political thriller or a slasher flick. The main character played by Lee Grant is a strong, feminist TV Journalist who is a staunch advocate of non-violence. But we learn far more about the killer than we do about the victim.

I rather enjoy Michael Ironside. He’s really quite good at playing creeps, assholes and psycho’s. As Colt Hawker he brings a sleazy quality to the table. He is one intense, driven dude! My favourite scene in the entire film was his scene with Lenore Zann who plays Lisa. Even though Zann only has a supporting role I found her considerably more interesting than the other female characters in the film. They catch each other’s eye in a restaurant and hook up and go back to his place. It is such a bizarre and awkward encounter you can’t help but cock an eyebrow. And Ironside in a leather tank top? Yikes! He has several flashbacks to his childhood that hints at his issues with the TV Journalist. He seems to respect his father who is now elderly, badly scarred, and practically a vegetable. Maybe I got mixed messages from these flashbacks, but there was a moment or two that I thought their father-son relationship was a little too intimate. Ironside’s character comes and goes from the hospital whenever he pleases. His disguises consisted of simply changing his wardrobe. Near the end, the hospital is teeming with cops and still he comes and goes without a problem. He actually kills a few people including patients, but he manages to bungle a few also. He leaves three people still alive!

Someone get this freaking Deborah Ballin woman some security! I mean really! She is a controversial TV journalist who was almost stabbed to death in her home and is now in the local hospital. The guy who did it is on the loose and they provide no security? It’s just stupid. Shatner barely shows up and doesn’t have a whole lot of dialog. However, I did find his character rather annoying. He is Ballin’s boss and lover and yet does not take her seriously. She is a smart, tough, levelheaded woman and is the films “voice of reason”. He really had no reason to doubt her. I found her initial contact with Colt a bit questionable. She barely fights back at all! It seemed completely out of character. Okay, sure it adds a bit of irony to the ending but it still felt half-assed. I also could have lived without Linda Purl and the character she played. I have to admit the only thing I can recall this actress being in was Happy Days. She played Fonzie’s girlfriend with the daughter in the shitty years after Richie left. It would seem she is a one-trick pony. Her character is pretty much identical in this film, except she has two kids. She is so sugary sweet that at one point she says to the Ballin character “I admire the hell out of you” and hearing her utter the word hell seemed out of place. Inevitably she ends up also being a target for the killer. Then she thinks her children are in danger, so she runs past a dozen or more cops and then starts pleading gibberish to a single cop standing outside who brushes her off. Away she goes to fight the big baddie all by her lonesome. Dumb.

The film has decent production value and a nifty setting, and plenty of Violence, although not overly graphic. Story issues and character flaws drag it down and overall ‘Visiting Hours’ felt pretty damn sloppy. I can’t quite bring myself to fail it though, as I enjoyed Ironside in his role and there are a couple of memorable moments. You’re renting this one at your own risk.

Dungeon Rating: 2.5/5

Directed By: Jean-Claude Lord

Starring: Michael Ironside, Lee Grant, Linda Purl, William Shatner, Lenore Zann, Harvey Atkin, Helen Hughes

Moving furniture

alone, I think of that one

Rescue 911.

Como amenacé en el post anterior, dejo el video, que no tiene desperdicio, del Capitán Kirk de la serie original, cantando (o recitando, lo que convirtió en un sello personal), para George Lucas, el tema “I did it my way” (A mi manera), que anteriormente hubieran cantado Frank sinatra y Elvis Presley.

El suceso tuvo lugar en el festival “AFI Life Achievement Award” que vendría a ser como un Premio a la Trayectoria, en su versión del 2005. No tiene subtítulos, los que sabemos algo de inglés lo entendemos bien, y los que no, se van a divertir igual, ya que hay coreografía y todo.

Me mata la frase “Long life and prosper” del personaje de Spock, cuando los Stormtroopers se lo llevan al final.

William Shatner has jumped on board the hottest new social networking site for artists and creative professionals ~ MYOUTERSPACE.COM.

Following the same principles as its predecessors, Facebook and Twitter, this new creative community allows people to sign up according to the planet of their expertise. For example, writers, directors and playwrights would register with the planet Creatia, musical artists would register with Orpheus, animators would sign up with Anteros, etc. There are six planets in total. Your profile page allows you to showcase your portfolio and connect with like-minded professionals.

Another exciting feature is the starships. Designed by John Eaves from Star Trek fame, each starship is captained by a bona fide producer in charge of finding talent to produce their latest project, whether it be film, stage or animation. As a community member, you’ll be privy to amazing opportunities as they arise and be able to chart each project’s progress through live interviews, and connect with the best and brightest in Sci-FI, Horror and Fantasy. Of course, Shatner is ultimately at the helm and promises to check in every so often.

The buzz is just starting on this new social networking site and a full PR blowout  launch is still to come. Here’s your opportunity to beat the rush. — You’re welcome.

Thanks to Bruce in the USA for the scoop.

excerpted from May 31, 2009

This goes back to the good old days when William Shatner didn’t wear a wig and was played by another actor. Christopher Pine played William Shatner and that guy from Heroes played Leonard Nimoy. (Anybody watch Heroes anymore? Man, that show used to be so good. Now it sucks.)  

Thanks to some time travel shenanigans, things are a little different this time around. You know how in the original series we always thought that Kirk slept around but never saw any proof? In this film he actually gets some stank on his hang low from a green chick. Sure, the green chick was hot, but when I say “stank” I literally mean “stank” as her scent glands secreted an alien pheromone that made Kirk’s gonads smell like rancid beef stew. Seriously, watch that film- from that scene on, no one stands within ten feet of him.  

Other differences include Uhura actually having lines and good special effects. Aside from that Vulcan gets destroyed and everything you knew about Star Trek over the last 40 years goes right out the window.  

Some bad guy named Zero had a total mad on for Spock. It seems that sometime in the future he blames Spock for the death of his wife- I think they were having an affair or something, and while they were together in Paris they got into a car accident and the wife died while Spock sustained only minor injuries. (On second thought, that may have been the plot of a Harrison Ford film.) Anyway, in an extreme over-reaction, Zero vowed to travel to the past, trap Spock on an ice world, and force him to watch as he blew up Spock’s home planet of Vulcan, changing the time stream so that Kirk becomes an unlikable jerk and Scotty has some weird little alien life-partner.  

 And would you believe it? Zero managed to do just that. It just goes to show you what a goal-oriented person can accomplish.  

The original cast was totally, er, recast, and only Leonard Nimoy got a cameo. William Shatner wanted a part but his demands were too high. He wanted his face in EVERY FRAME of the film. Wisely, the producers turned his generous offer down.  

 I’m not sure where they’ll go from here, but the next film better have Klingons, Khaaaaaan, and something else starting with K. Kryptonite or something.  

Before Star Trek, I saw the trailer for Up, the new animated (formerly cartoon) movie from Pixar. In it, a cranky old guy hooks up his house to a zillion balloons and flies away. I hope I am that cool when I’m old. I already know I’ll be that cranky.

vs. William Shatner

And the winner is…

I know what you’re saying to yourself…how did Jim not win this? I know my wife is asking the same thing right now…I have no doubt…am I right…uh, hello…(crickets). I just don’t understand how this guy is so special. Anyone can have a gazillion dollars and become a great accomplished actor. Just ask William Shatner. You don’t see the old Captain Kirk making sexiest man alive! Why?! Discrimination! If we voted for Obama…why can’t we vote for Shatner! That’s why I’m creating a petition to make William Shatner the sexiest man alive for next year. Just sign right here on this napkin…I just need to find about 2 million more napkins and we can fight discrimination together! (Also, by signing this napkin you waive all rights to your automobile and next of kin.)

I’m going to wallpaper the interior of my whole house with this.

Shatnerquake!

Download Shatnerquake for Free! – Today Only! «.

from November 11, 2008

Awhile back, (OK, yesterday.) I ran down a list of William Shatner’s movie credits (Shatner’s motto: If someone took the time to type it, the script must be good) and mentioned 1975’s The Devil’s Rain. I’ve seen this film. Odds are you didn’t. I didn’t just pluck that nugget out of his imdb page. I know that film.

Here is the cast, such as it is. (Or “here is the cast, such as they are.” Depends on which side of the plural/singular cast aisle you fall on. I understand many women swing both ways, so to speak.)

William Shatner-  What can I say that I didn’t cover in my last blog? I can say that he also starred in an episode of The Six Million Dollar Man with Lee Majors. During the filming of that particular episode, the combination of the Majors/Shatner acting ability was so profound that only the presence of Sir Laurence Oliver filming next door was able to positively balance their negative thespian forces and counteract an acting black hole that would have engulfed Hollywood. (Some say it already did.)

John Travolta- This was his acting debut. He played a deformed devil worshiper who wore a cloak and stayed in the shadows. His one and only line was near the end, when sunlight hit his face and it melted. “The light! The light! It burns! It burns!” was his sole line of dialogue. This was widely considered the end of his career.

 Ernest Borgnine- (AKA Ernest Nine of The Borg) While I’m sure you know him best as the voice of Mermaid Man in 8 episodes of Spongebob Squarepants, Mr. Borgnine also managed to carve out a niche as an actor. I remember him best in The Dirty Dozen. (That’s it. No joke here. Move along.)

Tom Skerritt- He’s the guy Kirstie Alley wanted to marry for his money in Cheers. He was the captain of the Nostromo in Alien. He also starred in Picket Fences and made so many other good career choices that damn it, I can’t make fun of him. What the hell was he doing in The Devil’s Rain??????

Eddie Albert- YES! Now here’s one I can sink my teeth into! He went from Oliver Douglas, gentleman farmer in Green Acres to devil worshiper. He went from talking to pigs (Arnold Ziffle) to sacrificing them. (Yes, I was going to make an Eva Gabor/pig joke, but in the interest of discretion I’ll not tell you the actual joke. But I have no problem telling you that there was an actual Eva Gabor/pig joke.) Eddie Albert also starred in the movie McQ, guested on The Man From U.N.C.L.E., appeared in Time Trax, and can be found in many other shows and films where spelling is not an issue. Like all old actors, he cruised on The Love Boat in 1983. He was 99 years old when he died so show the man more respect than I am.

Ida Lupino- More than just the dead aunt in National Lampoon’s Vacation, Ida Lupino died in 2005 just a few months before Eddie Albert. Coincidence? I think not. Anyway, Ida Lupino was actually an attractive woman when she was young , which was in the 1930’s. (Back then, any woman who wasn’t stricken with polio was considered attractive. [Another month, another polio joke, sigh.]) She was a talented actress and comedienne. Her involvement in The Devil’s Rain came about as retribution by her agent. He got her the part as the head of a coven as revenge for the night they slept together and she gave him VD. (What? Imogene Coca played Aunt Edna in Vacation? Who cares? Since when do facts bother me when I’m blogslinging?)

Anton LaVey- Yes, THAT Anton LaVey. How many Anton LaVeys do you think there are? This particular Anton LaVey is the founder of the Church of Satan. He thought he was filming a documentary.

This film is credited to three writers and five producers. It must be good! Here’s the plot, direct from imdb:

A bunch of Satanists in the American rural landscape have terrible powers which enable them to melt their victims. However one of the children of an earlier victim vows to destroy them.

Yep, that’s it. Took 8 guys to come up with that.

To avoid work, I’ll now liberally quote from this film’s imdb page:

It’s not supposed to be funny, but you cannot help but laugh. William Shatner kicks royal butt in this for his performance is the funniest…well, I’ll be honest, he’s running neck and neck with Ernest Borgnine. Early, early performance of John Travolta is to die for. This is a film that you rent, get a big bowl of buttered popcorn with lots of water/soda and just enjoy it for schlock’s sake. You know this film was about nothing but a paycheck for everyone in it.But I must give credit where credit is due. I love watching the ‘melting’ scene. Loads of fun. This is good entertainment from the “who green lighted this mess?” area of your brain. This was no “The Exorcist” but remember around this time, everyone wanted to do a “devil” film. This one is just funny and in a not supposed to be funny way!

And

Has this convinced you to run out and buy the DVD yet? No? I didn’t think so. Well, Mr. Skin says that this film contains no nudity, so you can rest assured that you won’t a glimpse of a topless, 61 year old Ida Lupino. Unless you go for that sort of thing.

Need more convincing?
CHECK OUT THIS GREAT DVD COVER!

from November 9, 2008

Procrastination appears in the strangest forms sometimes. Right now I should be working on my thesis. I even went as far as to put all of my books into my backpack so that I could go to the library. That has yet to happen. Instead I did laundry, did work for my other classes, updated my Netflix queue and scrapbooked. Now I am updating my blog. So all in all this has been a very productive afternoon. (Is it obvious that I am dying for Thanksgiving break to come as quickly as possibe?)

You’re probably wondering what my procrastination has to do with William Shatner. Not that much except that I decided to search “William Shatner” on YouTube. I made some grand discoveries. And I am going to share them with you here. Because, the most effective way to beat my procrastination right now is to export it to all of you.

And my favorite:

from January 31, 2008

I added William Shatner as a MySpace buddy. I am friends with Captain Fucking Kirk! Shit yes I cursed! Fuck it dude, this is Fucking Kirk! And yes I am capitalizing that F. Fuck yes!

The guy is, let’s say, not a thespian. (Nor a lesbian, for that matter.) Frankly, he acts like he is a graduate of the Adam West school of acting. Coincidentally, Adam West is a graduate of the William Shatner School of Acting. (“Who. Is. This. Nefarious. Evildoer?”) Go figure.

But here’s the catch- he sends out, no joke, 3 or 4 bulletins a day. Here’s a sample:

Behind the Scenes at my Details Magazine Shoot
Resend: Behind the Scenes at My Details Magazine Photoshoot
Meet my official Stand In Phil
Meet David who plays my new Priceline Sidekick “No Fee”
Meet My Horse Kelvin
My Early Birthday Celebration! Peak Oil Party! FREE! (Sorry, that was Michelle.)
More Behind the Scenes of My Priceline Shoot with No Fee!

But it is William Fucking Shatner, man! The guy who saw a man on the wing! “There’s a man on the wing!” The guy who got stuck in the Twilight Zone waiting for the fortune teller to let him leave “Can we leave tomorrow?” This is The Captain of The Fucking Star Trek who laid every green-tited bitch in the Antares Nebula! (Whoa, got carried away. But it’s Shatner!)

So I am going to read every damn one of his stupid bulletins.

William Fucking Shatner!

Meanwhile, more about ME- My Entertainment.

Recently MySpace screwed up and erased my blog views from 705 to 0. Not that I cared as long as the blogs were OK. To your dismay, I’m sure, they are fine. Sorry, those pearls of wisdom are still there. But I didn’t really care, even though my six readers (counting the possibly fictional Mr. Know-It-All and Jennifer, who may or may not be disgusted by me) actually checked out the blog over 700 times. But here’s the thing- they “fixed it,” I think, and now I have 1787 views. I had 16 views since the account got wiped, so I should have 721, total. Somehow, I was given 1068 extra views.

Unless someone out there wants to admit to viewing my blog over 1000 times today. Marc, I just realized that I don’t know what you do all day. Was it you? WAS IT?  Or was it Kathy? She does nothing at work all day but order t-shirts and bitch about Mazzella. WAS IT YOU?

But maybe, just maybe, could it be, WILLIAM FUCKING SHATNER?