We are a military family.   Her dad is a Viet Nam era veteran pilot of 26 years in the Navy, and as a military family, she had been indoctrinated into this way of life long before she met her (at the time) active duty pilot husband-to-be.  But after a few years, Randy went off active duty but has remained in the Active Reserves for the past fifteen or so years.  During that time, their kids were born, they started and ended a family business, changed careers, built their dream house and pretty much lived a normal civilian life.  He did his weekend duty, and came home to his family.  As he attained rank and seniority, it was a bit of a shock to the family when he was called up again for active duty service.

So for 18 months, Lori coped with the change by writing a blog called “Witty Little Secret” trying to keep her sense of humor and her sense of balance about his 18 month log absence from their “normal” life.  Somewhere along the way, it changed them both.  (How could it not?)  She wrote about how his deployment affected her, the kids, their friends, their church, their lives, understanding first hand what it truly means to be called to ”sacrifice” for your country, all the while trying to keep her sense of humor.  She is a great writer, if I do say so myself.   Coping under stress and prolonged absence became the norm instead of the exception. Lori started asking the question…”how do career military wives do this?”   She got lots of feedback on her blog and discovered the sisterhood (and now brotherhood) of military spouses who know what it’s like to have a loved one deployed, and what it’s like when they do finally come home.  Fortunately, Randy will not be called up for a second (or third or fourth) deployment.

So it seemed natural to reach out to another military family this week who is undergoing extreme stress.  The family of Staff Sergeant Robert Bales, accused of killing 17 Afghanistanis and wounding several others, stationed just a few miles from here.  Last Sunday night, we sat together over dinner discussing how Kari might feel, the problems she was facing and Lori decided to reach out in her blog to this beleaguered wife.

You can read her open letter and Kari’s response here:  Witty Little Secret

I am extremely proud of my daughter for this act of kindness.  We all pray for Kari and her young children as well as just wanting to let her know that she has a group of people who will not judge her by her husband’s acts.  Until more information is known, we caution people not to rush to judgement.  Whatever happened, we know that we will never understand fully, but wanted her to know she was not alone.  That’s what military wives do.

Recently, I was honored to meet another quiet professional, Lori Volkman, whose husband Randy is a UPS pilot and Naval reservist currently deployed for a year in the Middle East. Lori was nominated for the best spouse blogger award at the military bloggers conference awards ceremony in Washington, D.C.

Although we had never met and I had never read her blog, Witty Little Secret, I felt an instant connection to Lori, Randy and their children. The military culture is like a family and we take care of our own, particularly during deployments. Even after her cross-country red-eye flight, Lori joined us on a tour of the Pentagon. We were able to view the Pentagon memorial where Flight 77 hit on 9/11 and see the offices of the Chairman of the Joint Chiefs and the Air Force Chief of Staff. We also met an Air Force general officer to talk about our UPS partnership and painfully, how we had just lost eight airmen to a rogue Afghan military member the day before.

Talking about how we honor our fallen is painful for any of us who have seen it up close and lost friends, but you could tell by the tears in her eyes that it touched Lori, who was undoubtedly thinking of Randy. What happened next certainly wasn’t planned but I was humbled and thankful it did. The general went to his desk and came back and sat next to Lori, genuinely offering his support if she needed anything. Emphasizing that we’re a family, he gave her a spouse appreciation coin, representing the deep appreciation and gratitude we all have for the sacrifices our own quiet professionals make while we’re deployed.

The general had just given my wife Leah the same coin a few months earlier for her sacrifices on my three deployments. It made me remember Leah giving birth to my daughter Jenna, accompanied only by a fellow military spouse because I was in the mountains of Afghanistan and couldn’t come back. Not to mention all of the birthdays, anniversaries and challenges of being a single parent while reading about all the attacks and service members being wounded and killed.

Lori talked about how she took up blogging almost in the form of a diary to help cope with those same stresses. She knew little about blogs so she did some research to learn the basics of posting and word tags to help increase its reach. I first read her blog that day and it hit home more than I expected. The Skype calls with Randy and tough questions from the kids were the same mine asked: when was I was coming home and could I be killed?

Her blog is encouraging and funny and can inspire anyone going through tough times.  You don’t have to be in the military to be separated from your spouse or to learn your son said a bad word at school. Seeing her ask senior leaders to autograph her son Cooper’s book demonstrated the courage and strength I saw in person and read in her blog. I’m thankful our military members are respected and appreciated and I hope Lori’s blog, Witty Little Secret, will show everyone that our spouses and children quietly sacrifice right alongside us.