For Rachael, who every day convinces us there is an endless supply of vampire romance literature out there to read. We’ve been bitten…ha ha ha…yes I did go to the land of bad puns.

Click picture to enlarge.

Sometimes I wished I had one of these at work:

My company recently moved into a new building, and while I was once plagued by too much silence in my office, I am now going crazy with all the freaking noise. A brief list:

1) Strange buzzing/squawking coming from window vicinity. Could be ducks. Could be window rattling. Could be coworker’s hearing aid. Wait, does he have a hearing aid? Maybe not. NO idea.

2) I can hear door chimes from two different businesses from my desk. Two different pitches. Blessing or curse?

3) Some interior doors don’t catch well in the frame (jam?), thus perpetual, repeated slamming. People, once or twice I can forgive. Anything beyond that and you’re just not using your brain.

4) There is that damn buzzing again! Now it sounds like muffled telephone operators.

5) People speak so loudly at the business next to us that I can hear them in my office. It sounds like a freaking high school gymtorium over there.

6) One can hear the bathroom plumbing running from anywhere in the building every time someone flushes.

Update: The weird window squawking really IS birds! I saw them! I don’t know what kind, but they are big and gray and look like this:

This is a mockingbird. I have no idea if that’s what these birds are, but… Have you ever seen the movie Failure to Launch with Matthew McConaughey and Sarah Jessica Parker? Terrible, awful movie, except for Zooey Deschanel (love her endlessly) who spends most of the film as the weird sidekick roommate being driven crazy by a mockingbird outside her bedroom window. I kinda sympathize now.

A 'Sign' of our times - as seen on a Monday morning in Calgary

Our Albertan economy is finally feeling the pinch after decades of unchecked growth. Everyone knows someone who has lost a job, or worse. About a month ago on a rush hour city bus, I overheard a conversation between two well dressed business men. One was lamenting over how his high risk investments had virtually vanished.

“Why did you buy into them in the first place?” the other asked.

The man’s answer was spoken matter of fact, with an honesty not often heard on public transit, especially during rush hour…

“Greed.”

He shrugged his shoulders, and quickly changed the subject.

**********

The best way to stay motivated during this time of economic flux, is to push forward with our career plans using creativity to set ourselves apart. Make a list of all your soft skills (ie: social, organizational), to add to your more easily resuméd hard skills (ie: Microsoft Office, masonry). Try to make connections between both sets to expand your general skill set. You’ll be surprised to discover what services you can offer as a uniquely experienced human being, rather than simply a _______ graduate with x number of years working in _______ . Now is the time to market yourself creatively, as a whole person, as… You!

Speaking of marketing…

To my dear SavingCymbria readers, and to those of you just breezing by, I am now available for all your Creative Problem Solving needs. Freelance writing and design (fashion commissions, graphic design, & web applications) are my specialties, along with photography and general creativity consulting for both individuals and businesses. I’d love to hear your thoughts, and thank you all for dropping by!

It's time to get creative with our personal marketing!

What is his Internet thing?

As I wrote about theh Western Union patent goof every company has their moments that they regret.

During the early, early, days of the Internet, I was one of a few employees in our area of Bell Labs who downloaded and used a browser. I would click around on the hypertext links and just check out the content. At this point it was mainly research material and a few, very early, commerce and search sites. While I was having my own epiphany about the future, The frustrating part was to get interest in this game changing technology through the higher leadership of Bell Labs and AT&T. You would think this would be easy.

Here are a couple strange but true examples –

Back in 1993, I convinced a couple of “bigwigs” to come to my office. I showed them “the Internet”. Imagine a conversation – “hey we are going to Steve’s office, he has the Internet in there” We clicked around and explored the content. I explained that this would really change everything – voice, video, music,  imaging, advertising, and commerce.

The Internet was a distraction, at best, to the real company real goal of hat era -To rewire America with fiber optic company. The fact that the service “raison d’etre” fo fiber investment would have to be new services other than voice was and interesting academic discussion, but not the top priority.

They left my office with the words, “I don’t get it, this will never take off, never be big”. The person who said those words has gone on to become very successful. He is a CEO of a major corporation that makes most of its revenue from – Internet technology.

A couple of years later, AT&T decided to form a task force to understand the Internet and its impact on the core AT&T business. I was one of a dozen employees tasked with charting this course. We met regularly in the big, walnut lined, boardroom at corporate headquarters.

At one fateful meeting the head of AT&T walked in theroom with his entourage. He sat in the back and listened intently to our conversations for about 5 minutes.

After 5 minutes he stood up. The collective heartbeats in the room stopped, sweat and nervousness were on every brow.

He then said something that I cab still here ringing in my mind today. “This Internet thing, I am now convinced that it is important and can be really big”

Hearts began to pump blood again. Subtle smiles were exchanged among the group. Maybe our careers would last through 5:00 pm.

He then continued “ I just have one question for you guys”

Hearts stopped again, eye contact was avoided like a New York Subway car at 3:00 am.

“Who owns the Internet and how can we buy it?”
At that point you could here pins dropping from a mile away.
The silence grew to a deafening roar. Seconds seemed like an eternity.
Someone would have to say something.
I decided to end the torture, and perhaps my career.
I said, “Sir, most Internet traffic uses AT&T facilities…and…”
I was cut off in mid-sentence. He said, good, great! , and walked out.
The task force was disbanded later that week, having seemingly fulfilled its mission.

For those employees out there that have allowed slick talking Washington politicians and a joke of a national news media to convince you that these big businesses and their overpaid CEO’s are the cause of all your problems….

First pull your head out of your backside and realize they are just distracting you from looking where most of your real problems originate….WITH THEM!

Second, yeah there’s been a few big corporations and CEO’s that have done some greedy and/or stupid things. What else is new? They are a minority and the reality of the market eventually catches up with them.

Third, take a read over the message below that’s floating around. Have a laugh, it’s good humor with a lot of truth to it.

—————————————————————————————–

TO ALL MY VALUED EMPLOYEES:

There have been some  rumblings around the office about the future of this company, and  more specifically, your job. As you know, the economy has changed  for the worse and presents many challenges. However, the good news  is this: The economy doesn’t pose a threat to your job. What does  threaten your job however, is the changing political landscape in  this country.

However,  let me tell you some little tidbits of fact which might help you  decide what is in your best interests.

First, while  it is easy to spew rhetoric that casts employers against  employees, you have to understand that for every business owner  there is a Back Story. This back story is often neglected and  overshadowed by what you see and hear. Sure, you see me park my Mercedes outside. You’ve seen my big home at last yearʼs Christmas  party. I’m sure; all these flashy icons of luxury conjure up some idealized thoughts about my life.

However, what you don’t  see is the BACK STORY:

I started this company 28 years  ago. At that time, I lived in a 300 square foot studio apartment  for 3 years. My entire living apartment was converted into an  office so I could put forth 100% effort into building a company,  which by the way, would eventually employ you.

My diet consisted of Ramen Pride noodles because every dollar I spent went  back into this company. I drove a rusty Toyota Corolla with a defective transmission. I didn’t have time  to date. Often times, I stayed home on weekends, while my friends went out drinking and partying. In fact, I was married to my business — hard work, discipline, and sacrifice.

Meanwhile, my friends got jobs. They worked 40 hours a week and made a modest $50K a year and spent every dime they  earned. They drove flashy cars and lived in expensive homes and  wore fancy designer clothes. Instead of hitting the Nordstrom’s for the latest hot fashion item, I was trolling through the  discount store extracting any clothing item that didn’t look like it was birthed in the 70’s. My friends refinanced their mortgages  and lived a life of luxury. I, however, did not. I put my time, my  money, and my life into a business with a vision that eventually, some day, I too, will be able to afford these luxuries my friends supposedly had.

So, while you physically arrive at the office at 9am, mentally check in at about noon, and then leave at 5pm, I don’t. There is no “off” button for me. When you leave the  office, you are done and you have a weekend all to yourself. I  unfortunately do not have the freedom. I eat, and breathe this company every minute of the day. There is no rest. There is no weekend. There is no happy hour. Every day this business is attached to my hip like a 1 year old special-needs child. You, of  course, only see the fruits of that garden — the nice house, the  Mercedes, the vacations… you never realize the Back Story and  the sacrifices I’ve made.

Now, the economy is falling  apart and I, the guy that made all the right decisions and saved  his money, have to bail-out all the people who didn’t. The people that overspent their paychecks suddenly feel entitled to the same luxuries that I earned and sacrificed a decade of my life for.

Yes, business ownership has is benefits but the price I’ve paid is steep and not without wounds.

Unfortunately,  the cost of running this business, and employing you, is starting to eclipse the threshold of marginal benefit and let me tell you  why:

I am being taxed to death and the government thinks I don’t pay enough. I have state taxes. Federal taxes. Property  taxes. Sales and use taxes. Payroll taxes. Workers compensation taxes. Unemployment taxes. Taxes on taxes. I have to hire a tax man to manage all these taxes and then guess what? I have to pay taxes for employing him. Government mandates and regulations and all the accounting that goes with it, now occupy most of my time.  On Oct 15th, I wrote a check to the US Treasury for $288,000 for quarterly taxes. You know what my “stimulus” check was? Zero..Nada. Zilch.

The question I have is this: Who is stimulating the economy? Me, the guy who has provided 14 people good paying jobs and serves over 2,200,000 people per year with a flourishing business? Or, the single mother sitting at home pregnant with her fourth child waiting for her next welfare check? Obviously, government feels the latter is the  economic stimulus of this country.

The fact is, if I deducted (Read: Stole) 50% of your paycheck you’d quit and you wouldn’t work here. I mean, why should you? That’s nuts. Who wants to get rewarded only 50% of their hard work? Well, I agree which is why your job is in jeopardy.

Here is what many of you don’t understand … to stimulate the economy you need to stimulate what runs the economy. Had suddenly government mandated to me that I didn’t need to pay taxes, guess what? Instead of depositing that $288,000 into the Washington black-hole, I would have spent it, hired more employees, and generated substantial economic growth. My employees would have enjoyed the wealth of  that tax cut in the form of promotions and better salaries. But you can forget it now.

When you have a comatose man on the verge of death, you don’t defibrillate and shock his thumb thinking that will bring him back to life, do you? Or, do you defibrillate his heart? Business is at the heart of  America and always has been. To restart it, you must stimulate it, not kill it. Suddenly, the power brokers in Washington believe the poor of America are the essential drivers of the American economic engine. Nothing could  be further from the truth and this is the type of change you can keep.

So where am I going with all this?

It’s quite simple.

If any new taxes are levied on me, or my company, my reaction will be swift and simple. I’ll fire you. I’ll fire your co-workers. You can then plead with the government to pay for your mortgage, your SUV, and your child’s future. Frankly, it isn’t my problem any more.

Then, I will close this company down, move to another country, and retire. You see, I’m done. I’m done with a country that penalizes the productive and gives to the  unproductive. My motivation to work and to provide jobs will be destroyed, and with it, will be my citizenship.

So, if you lose your job, it won’t be at the hands of the economy; it  will be at the hands of a political hurricane that swept through this country, steamrolled the constitution, and will have changed its landscape forever. If that happens, you can find me sitting on a beach, retired, and with no employees to worry about….

Signed,  THE  BOSS

There’s a naked ass staring at me. 

 That’s the way 4 a.m. looked at me and decided to moon me.

  And he was screeching the metal hangers across the closet bar looking for running shorts (okay, so he hangs them up every one has their habits).

  Somewhere between showering and looking for shorts, he fell asleep….standing up.  So much for a normal start to the day.

  The company had a long run to go thru (5 K I think, mandatory)   and the week had taken it’s toll on him.

  Sometime after he left,

 his cell phone alarm went off, as it is accustomed to doing when he doesn’t fully turn the thing OFF but instead presses ‘dismiss’.

  It’s some kind of Latin ringtone that can, I swear, wake the dead. (or me) BAH-DE DAH DAH-BUH-DE DUM!!! BAH DE-DAH DAH BAH DDDDDAAAA DUM. 

   It has words.  No one can understand them. 

 but if i had to guess, the words might be saying, “throw the damn thing through the wall,

  if you value silence at all” 

  So  I made it to work after having a disturbing dream about all my teeth breaking apart and falling out.  (according to the dream guide online that is supposed to mean someone preoccupied with their appearance.  go figure.)

  Promotion ceremony.  I was srsly underdressed.  Both my co-workers didn’t show up on time.  I hated that.  Did I mention I get some form of panic attacks during these things. 

I did well though.  I got to meet a world war II vet.  That was awesome. 

there was cake and cupcakes, and donuts, and assorted other junk after, but thank goodness I avoided those

and went for the 690 calorie burger king sausage egg and cheese sandwhich instead… Yeah… I screwed up.  I hate myself too. 

I hate my mouth that will eat anything.  (shut up pervs).

  Time cards UGH.  Does anyone hate timecards more than me?  10 people got paid too much because they put down the wrong holiday pay code for memorial day.

  10 is also the number of gray hairs it gave me trying to fix it later on.

  He and I went on a date night again.  Japanese restaurant this time. 

 One we’d been to before.  at least I had a salad instead of rice for my meal.  yay me.  one fried calamari later, and beef pepper teriyaki and honey crispy chicken.

 The waiter inquired of the last piece of calamari (which is fried squid without the sponge bob)  which  I stood atop the dipping sauce cup in a sort of triumphant way.

waiter:  “You’re not done are you?  Looks like you’ve got a good piece of calamari left there” 

  Me:  “yeah, he’s the sole survivor, we couldn’t eat him” 

 waiter:  ” he’s the sole survivor and he’s dancing on broadway, huh?” 

Me: ”yep”  

 Then Doug and the waiter made jitter jabber over the early days of the dallas cowboys, when Roger Staubach and Robert Newhouse were fresh.  and  we were on our way.  No movie this time. Nothing good playing. 

 Gone home to catch a cloud.  The one pictured at the top.  Which started as a vagabond white cumulo  nimbus cloud and ended up overtaken by gray pieces of imitation cotton candy.  And by the time I got home and grabbed my camera, this was all I had.  I pouted. 

Dorothy grab Toto, it looks like rain.

Well, on Tuesday I was told I was no longer necessary,  I’ll no longer be in a cube. I’m tying to see the bad side in this, but being out of a cube definitely offsets the lack of food and possible starvation that may be ahead of me (yes, I’m exaggerating – but if you were released from  cube, wouldn’t you be elated too??)

Here is my problem … ambitious, so I’m one of those folks that never gets to enjoy true unemployment – getting up late and complaining to everyone that nobody is reading my resume’.  Every time I’ve been unemployed I’ve either had enough side business that I rarely see a check from the state … nor get time to sleep.   So, does anyone out there have any suggestions to keep me lazy enough to at least see a FEW unemployment checks like so many others?  The pride of working is very important, but geez … a few freebies now and then would be nice too.

-SWB

PS – If you heard someone three states away scream “woooooooohoooooooo”, that was me realizing I didn’t have to go back to a cube on Wednesday.

BTW – SWB will ramp up again on Monday as we are a little busy with roof replacement on our house, you know the fun things in life

I’m working on a project for work website and am pulling some info off of a ‘partner site.’ Lately poor marketing has REALLY been ticking me off.

Case in point - If you’re trying to come up with a PROFESSIONAL business website to help enhance people’s careers … you probably shouldn’t end a word with ’s’ and then start the next with expert (ie mattressexpert.com, handbagsexpert.com, or hotelsexpert.com)… because dirty normal minds like mine (and my coworkers) will only see “businessexpert-of-whatever(dot)com”. In the time we spent laughing at this web address we came up with sex experts, business sex experts… I think you get the point. As far as I’m concerned that’s not so professional. And really, at this point, I’m not taking you seriously.

Call me immature – but I promise I’m not the only one.

PS If you are a speaker or presenter out there, STOP using pictures of you in a freaking t-shirt to promote yourself/your business. You look ridiculous and I would NEVER pay you big bucks to come and run a seminar for my company.

i was speaking with someone on the phone at work yesterday who seemed to think i didn’t know what to do with the fax machine.

ME: Is your fax machine working?

HER: Sure. We’ve been getting faxes all day. Are you faxing to ___-___-____?

ME: (After triple checking the number) Yes.

HER: What are you trying to fax?

Are fax machines for paper? Really? No wonder my sock got stuck in the machine!

Ten ways to maintain your sanity at work

1. When co-workers raise issues respond with, “According to you.”
2. Leave unintelligible voice mail messages and mark them urgent.
3. Respond to all rude e-mails with, “Great idea! Let’s brainstorm some more of these!!!”
4. Send empty interoffice envelopes to random co-workers.
5. Get to work early and remove toner cartridges from all printers for no less than one week.
6. Enable your out-of-office message, but change it to read, “I am in the office.”
7. Strategically place mouse traps under people’s desks.
8. Replace the paper in printer trays with sheets of labels or letterhead.
9. Excuse yourself from work functions with, “I’ll be punished by my master if I don’t come straight home.”
10. Respond to all requests for suggestions with, “What would Jack Bauer do?”

“And now the rest of the Story…”

(If you have not read part 1 of this epic story of Midwestern Love, click here to catch up)
Matt was awoken in his room by the ringing phone at midnight. On the line was Lisa form Ruby Tuesday. She was off from work and ready for a night on the town. She wanted to go out with Matt and show him a good time. Matt declined the offer saying he was tired! She then offered to talk to him about their plans for the next day in his hotel room. Again Matt declined.

Alan and I had breakfast with Matt the next morning before we left for the airport. When Matt told us of what happened the night before we were aghast! We clued Matt in as to what he missed. It was also important for Matt to know that married men need to live vicariously through their single friends, and he was letting us down!

We coached him on his upcoming date with Lisa and left for the airport. We did not hear anything else from Matt for the next two days.

When Matt would return to work we would get the rest of the story.
Since we had a day at work before Matt returned, Alan and I had plenty of time to work on this story and it at run through the office like wild fire.

Here is what Matt told me when he got back.

It seems Lisa was not a sweet, innocent, Heidi-like figure. She took Matt on her boyfriend’s boat for a long cruise around the lake. Her boyfriend was serving 16 months in prison for dealing narcotics. Lisa was happy to get stoned on the boat, with or without Matt partaking. She stripped down to a bikini, that was also a size  too small, got wasted and hung out with Matt. It seems that Lisa was a bigger BS artist than Alan and I.

A better facsmile of Lisa

The story to this point could go one of two ways.

Just like the famous “Heidi football game”, the last plays would be the most important.

Matt demanded that they take the boast back to the dock and left Lisa, her bikini and her desires behind.

When Matt told me that story I told him the following:

“I understand, but you must not tell anyone what really happened. You have to tell them that the two of hooked up on the boat, that it was great, yada, yada, yada. You have a rep to build.”

He just could not tell a story of sexual escapades, committing a felony, with a gorgeous girl on a cabin cruiser in the middle of Lake Superior. No one would believe him.

We tried to help him. We failed.