when you soap yourself for the second time in the same shower session before thinking to yourself, “Hey, haven’t I gone through the exact same motion just two minutes ago?!”

Gosh, this is so tough.

I spent Saturday and Sunday viewing flats and doing work.

We seem to be experiencing a dry spell for the past two weeks.
We viewed units that met the criteria we set (corner, 4-room, near the mrt station), but none were to our satisfaction.
Ok, to be fair to the bf, none were to MY satisfaction.

I might be setting an unrealistic benchmark, but I can’t help but keep comparing the recents units we viewed to the one we gave up two weeks ago.
Either that, or I have caught Tom’s disease of being able to find fault with the tiniest thing.
Ok, I’m not supposed to bitch about him. Haha.

I told my mom that maybe Dua Bei Gong lied. Maybe that flat was The Flat afterall, since I really cannot find a better one after that.
But rationally and logically speaking, that flat’s owner was really asking for too much cash over valuation. Not worth it, considering the fact that it is extremely old and rundown (can you imagine, there are window panes above each of the room doors?! window panes eh!).
Ok, I should stop harping on it and move on.

In the work front, work is just neverfuckingending.
I think I have succeeded in appearing not-so ok, because this morning some of my colleagues could tell that I didn’t rest at all during the long weekend.
Too bad JBB wasn’t in office today.

I’m supposed to be working on the forecasts for 4 products.
I’m halfway through and I am just so stuck.
I have no idea what to do anymore.

I am going through the draft forecast with JBB tomorrow afternoon.
Maybe I should just call in sick.

I know May would be over and June would be here before I know it.
But sometimes, I just don’t know anymore.

And I feel like the day’s over.
I am super tired and I just feel like talking to myself. Here.
Ha.

Working from home today – for better efficiency (yes, I was efficient before this entry and I will be even more efficient after this entry) and more peace and quiet.
Still getting a lot of communicator messages – but at least I can choose when to respond – 5 minutes later or an hour later. And at least there’s no one walking to my desk and forcing me to talk to him/her about his/her project.

I can’t seem to find any renewed energy; I realize that I have been reusing and recycling my energy for too long.
There are days when I feel so wasted and so drained out that I feel like shutting down the malfunctioning PC and just head home, cover myself under the blankets and just sleep. And sleep.
There are days when I get so many challenges and so-called inputs from so many people that I just feel like hiding under the table and leave the fighting scene.

The funniest thing is that no one seems to think that I am overwhelmed, that I am actually struggling.
I was talking to my team mate located in Japan yesterday. He asked how I am, I told him I have been really busy and I am really trying hard just to survive.
He laughed and told me, “SW you don’t have to try to survive. You WILL survive, and in fact, more than just survive. You are so capable.”

I laughed back. And said nothing.

He wouldn’t know.
How, these days, I can have a million thoughts swimming through my head and yet, have no single thought registering in my mind.
How, I think about the long weekends in May which have to be spent working (and of course, house-hunting) and I just want to cry.
How, sometimes, my mind actually blanks out, and I have no answers to any of the questions posed to me. I struggle to think of answers because I am officially tired of being the goody-two-shoes.
Sometimes I am just this close to telling people to fuck off.

I need to consider some drastic actions, like appearing in office in t-shirt and shorts with unkempt hair and no make-up, losing my train of thought in the middle of discussions or meetings, or simply – just start sprouting nonsense to anyone I see.
That way, maybe people can finally realize that I am not superwoman, that I cannot do everything at one time, that I am, really, just human, who needs rest and weekends that’re not spent working.

I am still trying my best to do things differently from what I did in the previous company.
I try not to eat and work in front of the PC during lunchtime, I make an effort to still go for kickboxing before heading home to continue working, I watch the 9pm ping pong show with lousy theme song to take a break before continuing with work, I try not to spend both days of the weekends working.

That’s probably the main reason why I am still appearing sane and in control.
One thing at a time, breathe, one thing at a time, breathe.

I am trying my best to think positive.

My bank account is pretty healthy. My credit card bill for last month is just $100. The only shopping I do these days is “by the way” shopping. If I happen to be having dinner, or happen to be around the area, or happen to be looking for something, I might just pop by a shop or two, grab something to try on, and buy if it looks ok.

My weight is pretty healthy. Haven’t weighed the last two weeks, but at last weighing I was less than 2kg away from my pre-medication weight, and another 2kg away from ideal.

My boss (JBB) accidentally promoted me to Band 2.
He sent the revised organization chart for my inputs and I somehow became Band 2. It was either a typo error or like he said, I am already a Band 2 in his mind.
Whatever. I didn’t bother to verify.
I jokingly asked him to remember to inform me the next time I am ‘promoted’.

I have already booked for a short trip to Batam in June. I will take a whole week’s vacation from 15 to 19 June.

So yeah, I just have to survive, take some anti-drowning pills (if they exist) - till June.

May would be over before I know it. May would be over before I know it.

Today (ok - since it’s 1am now, it should be yesterday) was the first time someone shouted at me in office.
Someone, who is not even my boss.

This Korean brand manager raised his voice at me.
We were talking about the forecast, and he was forcing me to come up with some numbers to justify another set of numbers.
To cut the long story short:
- It cannot be done.
- It doesn’t make sense to do so much work to come up with some numbers to fit the end objective. Forecasting should not be like this.

So, I told him, “Sorry I really cannot do it.”
He raised his voice, “WHAT DO YOU MEAN, YOU CANNOT DO IT?”
I tried to be as calm as possibe, “I don’t know how to get what you want. Let me get [JBB] in the discussion.”
He shouted, “YOU HAVE TO DO IT! I’M TRYING TO HELP YOU, YOU KNOW?”
I said, “Please do NOT shout at me. I will go and get [JBB].”

So I went to get JBB. The first words I said were, “他在喊我。你可以进来吗?”

The discussion that followed was a repeat of what I had gone through with him earlier. Though hearing it from a Band 4 manager probably made it sound nicer.

I completely understand the phrase “眼泪往肚子里吞” now.
I was really swallowing my tears as I recounted to JBB about what happened.
I just kept telling myself, no I cannot cry, I would not cry.

JBB said I handled the situation well (actually I was deciding between the chair and the table – ie which one to throw at that stupid and crazy man.. but eventually I chose to get out of the room) and concluded that 1) The Korean brand manager is a weirdo and has given trouble to many other people, not just me; 2) He will try to give feedback to the brand manager’s boss.
And then, JBB walked to me, and gave me a few pats on my shoulder, “辛苦你了.”

我不觉得辛苦，我只觉得委屈。

Work has been so tough, and I have been so tired.
The last thing I need is someone shouting at me and telling me he is trying to help me, when I am actually the one trying to help him (but failed, because I really don’t know how to cheat).

And after shouting at me, he resumed the meeting like nothing ever happened.
You know what? I don’t care what it takes, but I will definitely make it known to anyone who needs to know about this.

I am tired.

I have enough of people trying to play victim all the time. Enough of emotional blackmail. Enough of people telling me looking for flats is easy and not stressful at all (no prizes for guessing who that person is). Enough of people who are still living in the 30s and trying to impose his stupid rules on me. Enough of people shouting at me. Enough of people chasing me for things. Enough of working late at night and on weekends and yet still getting shouted at. Enough of trying to please everyone and making myself miserable. Enough of holding back tears and pretending that everything is ok.

I am not ok.

Ca sa-ti zic ce am facut azi (si de fapt nu e neaparat legat de faptul ca tin mortis sa afli ce fac eu p-aici, ci e o exemplificare clara a unei zile care a inceput prost, a continuat si mai prost si s-a terminat superb) :>

No de dimineata pe la ora 8 a pornit alarma de incendiu. Obisnuit din zilele trecute cu ea, am ignorat-o cu succes si am atipit la loc (iti dai seama ca a fost o alarma falsa din moment ce seara iti scriu din acelasi apartament ca cel in care dormeam) :>

Pe la 9 jumate suna telifonu. Era clientu care ma intreba daca m-am trezit. Raspunsul elegant la intrebarea asta nu era “M-am trezit pe ma-ta” ci “I`m awake and i`m leaving home right now”. Si aflii cu stupoare ca cleentu era si el acasa si te-a sunat sa iti zica ca intarzie. Right, like i care.

Si right now s-a facut 10:15. Evident ca de lene am luat masina pana la bou^^client (pentru toti cei 250 de m ce ne despart). Si pentru ca azi s-a spart conducta, la 10:30 eram acolo

Si acu incepe povestea dragii mosului. La micii samurai si ninja este sfanta luna a Ramadan-ului. Care ce insemneaza ea? Insemneaza ca de pe la 6 am pana pe la 6:30 pm micii samurai (a se vedea http://z.about.com/d/cruises/1/0/v/V/3/wadi_rum13.JPG ) si micile ninja (a se vedea de asemenea http://plancksconstant.org/blog1/image2/iran-fashion-show.jpg ) nu papa, nu bea si nu fumeste. Deloc. Adica deloc. Acum veti zice “si ce daca? mie nu-mi pasa ca nu-s arab/musulman/whatever”. Hehehe. Aici e “taina”. Chiar daca nu esti arab/musulman/whatever nu mananci nici tu! Si nu fumezi! Si nu bei! Cel putin nu in public, pentru ca esti o tentatie pentru ceilalti. Acu` nu inteleg eu cum o chestie burtoasa cu o tigara in coltul gurii si o fatza sictirita ar putea constitui o tentatie, da` … Si cica daca calci pe bec si te reclama vreun ninja/samurai ai belit-o, ca faci 3 luni de bulau si/sau aproape 3000 usd amenda (in functie de cum a avut erectie judecatoru` de dimineatza). Boooooooooooon.

Cu cafeaua si tigarile multe de dimineata se face asa: se ia o punga pe care scrie Gucci. Se introduce in ea espresso-ul infofolit bine in chestii de hartie sa nu curga. Se fuge repede cu punga si eventual sarboaica din dotare (voi reveni pe larg despre acest subiect intr-un mail ulterior) in parcare la etajul 1 (MINIM!!!), te ascunzi dupa un jeep (cel mai mare pe care il poti gasi, si eventual intr-un colt) si fumezi rapid 3-5-10 tigari intr-un interval de timp t1 cat mai mic (ca deh afara-s 40 de grazi celsiusi si umiditate maaaaaaaaaaaaare). Rinse, repeat in 1 hour. Varianta beta ar fi asa: cauti un bar aproape de tine care sa fie deschis (de obicei in incinta hotelului) si bei cafeaua la AC cu tigara in mana (http://www.radissonsas.com/cs/Satellite?pagename=RadissonSAS/integration/hotelInfo&language=en&hotelCode=dxbzr e un asemenea loc). Cu parcare privata (adica in nene inchis la culoare parcheaza masina si-ti da cuponu) si servicii misto (adica nu e un nene/tanti acru/acra si morocanos/morocanoasa care sa iti ia comanda si sa iti aduca la masa chestiile). Am mentionat ca se fumeaza inauntru?

Intre timp lucrezi. De pe la 10-11 pana pe la cand da domnul. Si cum Allah nu e crestin, ci musulman toata ziua (stiu, aici e discutabil, e o parere personala, nu dati cu pietre) termini la dracu`n praznic (aka 9-10-11-12 PM). Azi par examplu s-a terminat la 8 jumate (din greseala si din bagat picioarele, nu ca n-ar mai fi fost de facut). Nu intram in detalii, ca-s plicticoase. Ca sa se mai destinda atmosfera se mai baga replici de genul: “Ah you got married … Your life is over … Poor thing.” (ea, colega din India) “But you don`t have a ring, you are not married?” (eu, porcu nevinovat de Romania) “No, i`m divorced” (vaca sacra de India) “Oh but that`s ok, you`re 50 anyway” (iara porcu , de data asta ceva mai vinovat). Dupa care porcu se fereste de un pahar care vine zburand spre el (gol god damn it, din motivul ramadanicesc expus mai sus).

Booooooooooooooooon.

Si pentru ca dupa o zi de kkt (cu CRF – change request form – adica un kkt birocratic prin care un nene X cere altui nene Y sa faca o treaba care face oricum din atributiile zilnice de servici ale lui nenea Y, dari de seama si sedinte de footing – a-propos, termenul de footing nu imi apartine, e marca inregistrata si nu trebuie citit romaneste ci in cel mai pur stil englezesc) ceva tre sa iasa frumos , ma decid sa-mi bag banii la FNI si sa o tai de la servici. Si pentru ca ajung repede la mall (5 km la 120 km/h nu inseamna chiar mult) si implicit la cinema ma duc la mall. Mallu` ie acilea – http://www.ibnbattutamall.com – si cinemau` ie acilea – http://www.grandcinemas.com . Bine, ele de fapt nu-s acolo, dar alea-s adresele de prezentare (sau sit-uri/site-uri). Si cum io e cinefil (si desi eu stiu asta, aparent sotia nu stie) de cinema ma duc sa vaz …. tananananana …. Mamma Mia. Care e de altfel un super film. Cu tanti asta: http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0000658 . Film in care ie 1 mama si 3 tati, in care cine trebuia sa se casatoreasca nu se mai casatoreste, iar cine nu trebuia sa se casatoreasca se casatoreste sau e gay si recunoaste public, in care se canta multa Abba (muuuuuuulta) si in care se danseaza (haios, amuzant). Pe scurt, un film care m-a tinut cu un zambet imbecil pe fatza pe toata durata lui (si nu e zambetul imbecil obisnuit multumesc mult, ci un alt zambet imbecil mult mai amuzat). Si care m-a facut sa cant cu ei si sa ma simt bine (filmul adica). No boooooooooooooooooon. Ca toate minunile, nici asta nu dureaza 3 zile (which reminds me: care idiot a zis ca orice minune dureaza 3 zile? nici una din minunile acceptate de noi nu a durat 3 zile, n-a durat nici macar 40 de minute – ce lui Isus i-a luat 40 de minute sa fabrice vin din apa? Nu domle, a fost instant.) ci doar 2 ore. Nu va mai zic de film, ca asta e spoiler si … well … filmul chiar merita sa il vedeti.

Pe drumul inapoi ascult Radio 3 (un post de limba engleza unde nu behaie un muezin – aici nu e o injurie ci pur si simplu asa se cheama nenea ala) unde canta ceva lent meat loaf si dupa aia alti neni de data ceva mai recenta al caror nume imi evadeaza din memorie momentan.

No bun, scurt rezumat:

Trezit de dimineata – 1 injuratura
Trezit de dimineata sunat de client – 3 injuraturi (cea de la pct 1 + 2 aditionale la adresa mamei clientului)
Ajuns la servici – 1 injuratura (pentru ca esti un porc comod care ia masina dupa el in loc sa mearga cei 200 si oleaca de metri pana la scarbici)
Lucrat la servici – fara numar fara numar fara numar (ca sa citez niste clasici,cadea-le-ar palatu pe ei)
Terminat servici – 0 (zero) injuraturi (pentru ca ti-ai bagat ceva in el de servici)
Vazut film misto – 0 (zero) injuraturi
Ascultat muzica (buna) la radio – 0 (zero) injuraturi + moral

Boooooooooon din nou

Acu sa va povestesc chestii invatate dupa vizionarile mele cinematografile intense:

1. Sotia nu stie ca iti place la cinema – 20 USD in beer
2. Faptul ca te duci la un film sa vezi 3 gagici bune de pe afis (http://www.newworlds.ph/wp-content/gallery/the-mummy-3/the-mummy3-movie-22.jpg si http://i17.photobucket.com/albums/b76/zoomp1017/mb031.jpg) – 8 USD – pepsi included
3. Faptul ca iti placeau pe cand erai mic romanele lu` nenea Jules si te duci sa vezi O calatorie spre centrul pamantului – 8 USD (bilet + pepsi) + 6 USD (saorma necesara calmarii nervilor)
4. Faptul ca te duci sa vezi ultimul film cu Madam Jolie (sau Bitt/Pitt cum i-o spune) – 10 USD (belet+pepsi+floricele , ca sa sari peste saorma de dupa :> )
5. Faptul ca te duci la Mamma Mia dupa o zi de rahat si te linistesti: priceless
6. Privelistea asta + un pepsi rece la final: heaven on earth

Dubai noaptea, vazut de pe balcon

[...aici era continut personal, nu va spun, ca nu va e adresat voua!...]

Florin

[nota 'sotiei' : sotia stie ca ii place la cinema. de altfel si ei ii place la cinema, cu mentiunea ca ei ii place mai ales la filmele bune la cinema si ca ii trimite cateva ghionturi sanatoase fiindca a vazut Mamma Mia fara ea, insa tot nu intelege ce treaba au cei 20 de dolari dati pe bere cu chestia asta...]

So I was at work today and the company that I work for wanted me to come in and do some special training.  but my boss is all like I do not think so.  It is actually really funny because another employee asked me if I would like to go and my boss said and I quote “It does not matter what she thinks.”.  I am thinking in my head that I should be a spiteful bitch and just take off that day and go anyways.

Here is my thing, as an wmployee of hers, she should want me to grow and be on top of my game and know exactly how to do everything.  You know, if it is free…. I should participate.

Whatever.  I have exactly one year, three months and 10 days before I hand over my resignation.

Good thing my boss has no idea what the hell a blog is huh? 

Just two more weeks, and one of the three campaigns I am running would come to an end, come 1st April.
And in another couple of weeks, another of the campaign would come to a close, too.

It’s amazing, how I survived the past three months.
Had it not been my saving grace, who came in the form of a Sweet Young Thing (SYT) - my new executive, I might not have come this far. I never thought I would ever find another friend in this team, yet there was someone who shared her thoughts openly with me, someone who was willing to be my valentine (she worked till 1130pm with me on valentine’s day, haha), someone who toiled through the difficult times with me.
Sure, she couldn’t help me in everything – in fact she is helping in only one of the three campaigns.. But what more can I ask for?

There were times I was totally emotionless, to the point when in our weekly review, AMBOSS became so exasperated that he said, “Talk to me, scold me, shout at me! Tell me!”
Which reminded me of some Taiwanese melodrama, where the son had to beg his angry mother, “你可以打我，可以骂我，但你不可以不理我啊！”
It was so bad that, despite that funny thought bubble I had, I couldn’t bring myself to even smile.

While I am now convinced that AMBOSS is indeed doing something about the situation, I cannot help but conclude that the reason why I am finally able to see a little light at the end of the otherwise endless tunnel is not because of his, or ADD’s unhelpful ‘help’, but because the projects are coming to an end themselves. Period.
And very soon, new campaigns and new projects would come in.. and the endless tunnel, and bottomless pit, would go on. And on.

The past month of weariness, frustration, anger.. and whatever.. has been a test of my patience and tolerance.
To which I am not proud of concluding, that I am losing it.
For one, I asked ADD, in front of everyone in the team, during our weekly I-dont-understand-why-we-are-doing-this WayangWork-in-Progress meeting, “So, can I check when my workload can be allocated to other members of the team?“
The question apparently shook her a little, and she answered, “We are reviewing the resources now, we should be able to know when the new resources come in.“
And I was persistent, “So when? When would that happen?“
In the end she managed a feeble “In 4 to 6 weeks’ time.“

I had to stop myself from dancing on the conference table, while SYT confided later that she was applauding inside.

I have realised, after these three months of observation, that the real villian, is not AMBOSS, not the company, but ADD.
The boss who never fails to look oh-so concerned when she tells you, “Don’t work till too late”, or “Please remember to have your dinner”, AND THEN leaves at 630pm.. while you slog your guts away for another 5 hours after she leaves.
The boss who cannot send her own meeting calendar, who cannot book meeting rooms on her own, who insists on having her executives make restaurant reservations.. when she is the only idle one.
The boss who lets herself go on leave for 4 working days while the team suffers from resource issues.. and who, when I requested for a week’s break after my campaign ends, tells me she cannot approve it as yet because she has to review the situation, and because “you know, we are facing a resource issue.”
Well, then how did she bring herself to go for a 6-day holiday in Taiwan, while I was struggling till 12am everyfuckingday? Was her trip fun?
How could she approve the leave applications of other team members?
Sure, a week’s break for me might cause a lot of disruption to colleagues who have to cover my duties.. but hey, did anyone, anyone spare a thought for me when work disrupted my life?
Are you not approving this because it’d mean you cannot leave at 630pm for that whole week?

Plain selfishness.
Period.

I wish I could be as free-spirited as I could be.. and simply hand in the letter.
Before work destroys me.. before anger engulfs me.
But yes, I can’t.

It’s going to be a long search.. and a long wait.
Almost. But not yet.