An oxymoron isn’t a moronic individual who is somewhat ox-like, according to Google it’s a figure of speech in which apparently contradictory or incongruous terms appear in conjunction and I’m sure you’ve already picked up on the 2 that can be are found in the title of this post

Doing the dishes was never this fun!

So I think I am a walking oxymoron because I am a working-father. What’s more, I often work from home. What about my holidays/vacations? Well they are actually more working holidays/vacations as the amount of work which piles up when I am away is chaos (I just try to turn it into some kind of organised chaos ). Technology these days keeps me so connected to my work and whilst it is great, it’s also bad as I often answer emails late at night to get it off my plate.

Now that I am a father, I need to re-prioritise my life a little. My paternity leave ends this week and it’s back to work on Monday… I’m dreading Monday morning already as I will no doubt miss my big baby Jayden 157% more than normal (quite an exact estimate I know). I will also miss his quiet screams, the look on his face as he waits patiently for me to do something and the sound of silence once he’s dozed off. I’ve gotten used to looking after him and helping out throughout the day around the house. Maybe I should be a Stay At Home Dad? But how would I pay the bills? Hmmm no chance… in my unbiased opinion, there’s more chance of having an easy labour!

C'mon dad! Do something already!

So can you be a successful worker and a successful father? I think so. Just look at Tiger Woods… okay, bad example, that ended up pretty ugly. Barack Obama though seems to manage running the USA and still have a happy family (although I think the rumoured secret to his success has probably got a lot to do with his wife and the fact that they are happily married). Hmmm… I might be onto something here… my wife is amazing and I’m happily married… now someone just give me an entire country to run!

In summary, as a working-father, I know I’ll need to find the perfect balance of work and family time, I can’t turn a blind eye to my commitments as a father and I can’t ignore my duties at work especially because there is a lot of pressure building up there as well with the economy constantly changing. I’m going to fail miserably aren’t I? I am doomed… maybe not? maybe I’ll find a way, maybe I will be the best dad ever!
Bah I’m just a hopeful pessimist!

debut dad

Power struggles. I’ll bet that not a day goes by without some form of a power struggle (overt or covert) between parents and their kids. It’s the way we were raised. Parents say: Do “this”, or I will enforce “that” punishment. Kids say: “Naaaaa, I think I like my idea better”. And so the tug of war ensues.

I know that on some utopian planet, parents and kids are getting along effortlessly with one another. There, power struggles are learned of only through fireside stories about their less-evolved ancestors who blew themselves up many millennia ago. We fellow earthlings seem destined to quarrel until we either have an epiphany like our distant neighbors, or until we blow ourselves up fighting one another. In the meantime, how can we manage some of this turmoil in our homes a little bit better?

• Make time for yourself. This statement should be tattooed backwards on every single-parent’s forehead. When we take the time to recharge our batteries, we have more to offer our darling children. When we neglect our own needs, the little things our kids do to bug us become more significant than need be. Think about it for a second. It is a win-win for all involved if we spoil ourselves a little bit every day (or week). Take your guilt and put it in the trash. Your kids need you to fulfill your needs!

• Play with your kid. Sounds too simple, I know. But getting down on their level and sharing the moment with them allows them to feel your love, interest and care. They will appreciate you for it and it will help discharge emotional tensions between you. How?? By connecting with your kid on their level, you are giving them what they need (your attention), plain and simple. When we get what we need, tension often releases from many areas of our lives simultaneously.

• Ok, here’s a weird one. Roll-play. Allow your kid to boss you around every once in a while for fun. This will force you to drop into “kid zone” and permit them to act out some of their unexpressed frustration playfully. Not only can this give them a sense of power that they are not used to, it could enable you to see yourself as a parent more clearly through their actions. While you play, pay special attention to what comes up. Allow them the freedom to play however they want (within reason, of course). Remember, THEY are the boss during this time, not you. Try it for 10 minutes at a time and see how it feels.

Next time the push & pull of those power struggles starts to make you feel like a gray-haired chia-pet, try out one of these ideas. If while reading this post you thought of some ideas of your own, great! Take action on them! It is nice to know that when we hit a wall, we don’t have to keep running back into it. There are always steps we can take in the moment to navigate around our challenges.

See you next time!

After recapping all 97 minutes of the movie “The Princess and the Frog”, she turned to me and asked, “What are we going to do tomorrow daddy?”  “Well”, I said “after we check out the estate sale, and go to Target for a phone for me and some shoes for you, I thought we could go adopt your new kitten”.  “Yaaaaaaayyyyy!” squealed Miranda.

She has been begging me for a kitten for over a year.  My answer was always, “Until the carpet that kitty is peeing on is ours, you’ll have to wait”.  So now we have our own house…and carpet, and soon she’ll have her new kitty.

“Aren’t you excited Daddy?  I am so excited to get a kitten!  Aren’t you?” Miranda beamed.  “Yes and no, honey”, I said.  “Why no??” she asked, confused.  “Well, to be honest with you babe, I’m worried that the new kitten is going to make us fight a lot.”  “What?”  Her head swiveled.  “Why?”  She asked.  “Because there is more to a kitty than purring and prettiness” I replied.  “There’s poop.  And if I am always reminding you to clean it up, I’m not gonna like it at all.  Poop stinks, you know.  And you have to clean the kitty’s box twice a day or else…well, you get the picture.”  Miranda replied, “I promise Daddy.  I will be responsible for cleaning up after my kitty.  I PROmise.”  A few moments of silence followed.

During that silence I was thinking about the logistics of her caring for 2 cats.  I got Miranda a 4-year-old cat named Mr. Kitty last Spring.  But Mr. Kitty decided that Miranda was a little bit too much for him and chose me to be his best bud.  So I have been taking care of his messes without much help from the kiddo since we got him.  I decided that it would only be fair to Miranda if I shared the responsibility with her.  And that’s when things got out of hand.

“Miranda, honey…I’ve got it.”  I said.  “Got what?”  She replied.  “We can share the duty…” Her face contorted into a snorting giggle.  I quickly realized that her little vocabulary held only one definition for a word that sounded like ‘dootie’, and I too was swept into the laughter.

Once I caught my breath, I asked, “You don’t know what that word means do you?”  “Nope!”  She cackled.  “Think of your teacher at school.”  I explained.  “Okay.”  Miranda bit her lip.  “Your teacher’s duty is to…” And there she went again, exploding into laughter about her teacher’s “dootie”, and I tumbled right along with her.  We choked on recycled laughter for the next several minutes, gasping for air on occasion.  Needless to say, she didn’t fall asleep as easily as other nights.

Thank God for moments like those.  Those moments will punctuate our timelines with such warmth and joy that when we look back 10 years from now we can’t help but get wrapped up in the good feelings.   Not to mention how therapeutic that kind of laughter can be.  I bet I saved myself a few thousand dollars in therapy during those funny 15 minutes.

I bet you have stories to share like the one above.  What if you took a few minutes and jotted down some of those memories?  How cool would it be to look back on them in 5 or 10 years?  Maybe it would grow into a small book, like a photo album that you could share with your family and friends on occasion. Hey…that’s not a bad idea!  I think I’ll start mine right now.  See you next time~

Whew!  What a trip it has been for the both of us.  You talk about an opportunity to look at how the stress of a major life change affects your parenting.  I’m lucky she’s so resilient.  If she’d had any emotional meltdowns during the transition, I think I would have been about as present with her as one of her stuffed unicorns.  No seriously, it was hard.

As a single parent you have so much on your plate.  There’s so much pressure.  You try your best to be good parent while juggling all the mundane tasks of maintaining some semblance of a home.  Then there’s the homework, meals, and bedtime stories.  And in the middle of it all they ask you one of those juicy questions that sends off an alarm in your head- “ALERT, ALERT! She/he really needs all of your attention on this one!”  After a quick deep breath, you pull yourself into the moment to explain why mommy or daddy is not around, or why people take drugs, or what God is, or________.

You do your best.  You do your very best in the moment.  Unfortunately there’s no one around to pat you on the back for it.  So instead, on a bad day, you punish yourself for all the things you didn’t do. You convince yourself that you should have responded differently to his/her question.  You kick yourself for losing your temper and for being angry with your child.  And then you judge yourself for being an “inadequate” parent.  Instead of feeling proud of everything you’re tackling, you remind yourself how bad you are at all of this.  As if the day wasn’t long enough.

A beloved mentor of mine once relayed an invaluable teaching to me.  “What is the only thing you have control over in your life?” he posed.  “Is it time?  Money?  Other people?  It is none of those”, he said.  “The only thing you have any control over EVER is where you place your attention.”  Think about that for a second.  You can’t control your children (sorry ) or any other person for that matter.  You cannot change the reality of death.  Money and opportunities flow in and out of your life.   You can only control where you place your attention.  The deeper implications of this are incredible.

The next time your mind is criticizing your parenting, pull in a couple of deep breaths.  How much are you paying attention to that critic? Allow yourself to be aware of the distinction between the critical thoughts and the one who is listening.  As strange as it sounds, the one who is listening is YOU.  Those judging thoughts are echoes from an automated program your mind picked up in the past.  You won’t get anywhere defending yourself against it, so don’t bother trying to press ‘stop’ on that track.  Tune into some better music by shifting your attention to something else.

Here are some ideas:

• Talk to a friend who can help you feel your worth (or help you laugh at your own antics)
• Listen to some upbeat music.
• Work on a creative project.
• Exercise
• Relax – soak in the tub.
• <Your idea here>

Our biggest obstacle to happy parenting lies inside our own skulls.   The small steps we take each day will pay off dividends in the weeks to come.  See you next time~

(Sending gratitude to my mentor Jeffery Ellis 1948-2003.  The seeds you planted have sprouted and matured. Here, they are born again through me.)

I gave up the search for words that might help Miranda understand some time ago. I guess I realized that if I ever found any, they’d be lies; well-intended lies trying to make sense out of something neither of us could understand. Miranda hasn’t seen her mom for 19 months. Not since her mom got in trouble with the law and lost in her addiction. She traded both of her children for meth.

We sat hugging in silence for a minute or so, and then she pushed off my chest to look into my eyes. I paused for a moment and then crossed my eyes, allowing my left eye to move out and then back, and then out and back again. “Daddy!” she giggled, “How do you do that?” She gave me a big kiss and then left my office to get ready for bed. I could hear her singing some 2nd grader’s (probably inappropriate) version of “Yankee Doodle” just moments later in the other room.

Miranda has been through more at 7 years old than I had by the time I was 20. Her resilience and consistent sweetness amazes me. She teaches me the value of being in the present moment.

The needs of our children can seem so complicated to us. Sometimes they appear downright overwhelming. But the truth is, their biggest need is wonderfully simple. Aside from their basic survival and social needs, our children are silently begging for us to be present with them, in the moment.

Talking to them while glancing up from the TV or iPhone won’t cut it. Chatting in the car while shuffling them to their various activities is not quite it. More than any gift our money can buy, they need as much presence as we can muster in any given moment. They need to feel our attention, unwavering and devoted to them. What we say or do in those moments is nearly insignificant compared to the non-verbal validation of our love for them.

“How can I do this more often?” you may wonder.  Here’s a thought: Allow yourself to become aware of your breathing. As you do this, allow your breath to deepen a bit. Continue this process for a minute or more- in and out, in and out. You may start to notice that while you are paying attention to your breathing, you also hear the usual chatter that goes on in your mind. Allow your thoughts to ramble on, like chatty neighborhood children passing by your house as you relax on the porch. As soon as you become aware of your breathing and thoughts, you are IN the moment. Spend 10 minutes a day (or more if you can) playing with this.

As you practice this in the company of your children, you will start to notice things about them that you may have temporarily forgotten, such as how beautiful they are, or funny, or how deep your love truly is for them. You may have a great idea on something fun you can do together, or you might hone in on a need of theirs that has been overlooked. Whatever you experience will be unique to you, and it will be just right.

Remember, every minute you spend connected to your child in the present moment, you feed them the most important sustenance of their life… your love. See you next time!

Also, despite the growing popularity of the animal rights movement and veganism, there are not a lot of resources on raising a vegan family.  My partner and I are dedicated to living a life that has as little impact on the safety of both human and non-human animals and the environment.  To us, that means being vegan.  Although we live in a very progressive/liberal state, there are not a lot of resources available to families choosing to raise their children as vegans.  I would like to become a resource for families who decide to raise a vegan family.  My wife is very conscientious of the nutrient she is taking in and that she is consuming the proper food to ensure a happy and healthy child.  As time goes on, this blog will feature different meal plans and recipes that my wife has chosen during her pregnancy.

Additionally, I would like to be able to look back at this blog as living, ever-growing documentation of the most important times and people in my life.  I would like my children to one day look back on this and learn from me as well.

1.  Location, Location, Location. Owning your own company gives you the option of working at home. Even if you lease office space, you might decide to work from home a few days a week or in the afternoons when the kids get out of school.

2. Owning Your Calendar. Rather than being at the beck and call of all those corporate meetings called by somebody else, you have control of your calendar. If you want to be at the school play on Wednesday, you can schedule that client meeting for Thursday.

 3. Being There For Your Kids. Show me a mother with a boss and I’ll show you someone who feels guilty when her children need her during the workday. When you own your own company, you don’t have to apologize when your kid is sick – you just rearrange your schedule to be at home.

 4. The Company Evolving With Your Kids.  While your kids are very young, you might prefer to work from home. Once they’re in school most of the day, you might want to lease office space but leave work in time to meet the school bus. And when they hit those tumultuous teenage years, you might want to be around the house a little more in the afternoons. A business owner often has the freedom to accommodate his or her kids’ changing needs.

5. Time For Outside Interests. Believe it or not, many entrepreneurs manage to take up time-consuming activities solely for their own enjoyment, like training for a triathlon or competing in horse shows. Although more and more corporate employers are growing more flexible about scheduling a work week around parenting responsibilities, you’d be hard pressed to find one who’ll give you afternoons off for long bike rides or a horse show two hours away.

6. The Luxury of Support. As a business owner, you can build in support from your staff. Employees in small, closely held companies often cover many functions of a personal assistant, or even a back-up family member. It’s not unusual for small business owners to have an assistant who’s willing to run out to carpool when they’re stuck across town in a client meeting, or who’ll pick up groceries for the soccer team dinner when the boss runs out of time.

 7: Perks Aplenty. Business owners also are able to offer themselves all kinds of extras your corporate boss might not. You might have your company lease or buy you a company car. You can write off any travel that can be justified as a business expense. You can plan your annual management meeting at your favorite spa resort. Running the show gives you the opportunity to invest company money in what’s important to you – whether it’s bringing in healthy lunches or a massage therapist to keep your crew performing well during stressful times. Or hiring yourself an executive coach and a crackerjack assistant.

Anyone who runs his or her own business knows wellness can be the trickiest part of the life-balance equation.

Is it a Hell Yes? If not, then it’s a Hell No. Here are six tips for better wellness through the Hell Yes principle:

1. Try the Hell No diet.  Here’s how it works. You can eat anything you want. But five times a week, say Hell No to something fried or refined that you’d ordinarily eat. If you usually have chips with your sandwich, skip them one day. Your assistant brings doughnuts to the office every Monday? Pass them by this week. Reaching for your afternoon soda? Skip it, just this once. Over the course of the week, those five omissions will add up to a serious caloric reduction, and have saved you a bunch of sugar and fat grams as well.

Note: It doesn’t count if you skip something you wouldn’t ordinarily have eaten. For instance, you can’t just drive by the ice cream store and say Hell No to a banana split, if a banana split isn’t something you’ve even considered having in years.

2. Listen for your inner Hell Yes, when you’re tempted to skip exercise. Is being fit a true Hell Yes for you? If it’s really a priority in your life, then listen for the inner wisdom to remind you of that, on those days when you’re tempted to flop down on the couch instead of suiting up for your workout.

3. Sometimes it’s best to say Hell No to a workout. When you don’t feel like exercise, listen closely to which voice is doing the whining. If it’s the part of you that would just rather flip through a catalog munching crackers at the kitchen counter, remind yourself that fitness is a Hell Yes in your life and head to the gym. But if you’re sick or injured or just plain exhausted, your gut may be telling you it’s a good day to rest. Listen to that voice.

4. Say Hell No to your personal vices. You know what they are. Do you sneak a cigarette when you’re out with friends? Overdo it on sugary things? Drink a little too much caffeine? Or wine? The Hell Yes principle is a fast way to tune in to your intuitive knowledge. Ask yourself, and answer honestly: is this harmful to me?

5. Say Hell No to too little sleep. Do you wake up every morning feeling fresh and ready to go? I didn’t think so. Most of us don’t get quite enough sleep, even though we know we do a better job running our companies when we do. Keep in mind that sleep is when the body does some of its most important repair, and that a good night’s sleep helps reduce stress – and might even make you look younger. Whatever’s stopping you from getting to bed on time, learn to say Hell No and cut out the light.

6. Say Hell Yes to the things that make you feel good. What are the things that make you feel well cared for and pampered? Is it a spa pedicure? A massage? Professional hair color? Acupuncture? A hot bath? A nap? Remind yourself that you’ll be better equipped to take care of business if you take care of yourself first.

Sometimes it’s tricky, but it’s doable. You just need some strategies for getting your work done amidst the inevitable chaos. Here are six tips to make it easier:

1. Email is God’s gift to WAH parents. Handle as much business communication as possible by email instead of phone. In cyberspace, no one can hear the screaming kid standing beside you.

 2. Naps are good. You’d be surprised how much you can accomplish while your child is napping. We enforced an hour or so of afternoon quiet time with Sam until he was at least five. Usually, he would sleep, but sometimes he would play quietly in his room or look at books. He knew he was forbidden to cross that baby gate across his doorway until I came to get him.

 3.Give your child some work to do. You’ll have an easier time getting your work done if your child is busy too. Older kids things that are actually useful, like stuffing envelopes or stapling papers. Younger ones can have a little desk next to yours for coloring. I used to keep a basket of books in my home office for Sam to look through. I also filled a small set of index card drawers with little toys for him to explore. He’d rifle through them to find plastic cars, rubber frogs, and odds and ends from around the house that were too big to swallow. Even a baby does better with something to do. Set the bouncy seat facing the wall where he or she can see the shadows of the leaves outside blowing in the wind.

4. Get a nanny, babysitter or neighborhood kid to help. There are only so many parts of your job that can be done with children underfoot. Unless your kids are in school most of the day, you probably need some uninterrupted time to work. Even if you can only swing that help a few hours a day, you’ll know you’ve got that time to get the most important stuff done. I’ve learned from experience that it’s very difficult to be an attentive parent when you’re focused on writing or other intense work.

 5. Have a plan for important phone calls. If your children are old enough to understand, you can explain how important it is to have quiet when you’re on a business call. But for the younger ones, bribery can work. I used to keep a bag of M&Ms in my desk drawer in case a client called while Sam was around. He knew that as long as he was quiet, I’d dole out one M&M every minute or so. 

 6. If all else fails, leave the house. Sometimes there’s just no reasoning with a colicky baby or a whiny two year old. If another adult is at home, grab your cell phone and drive up to the corner to have that phone conversation. If no other adult is handy, you might try locking yourself in the bathroom to take that client call.

Sure you can.

I took my baby to the office until he was one. At the time, the ad agency I owned with a friend was housed in an old turn-of-the-century plow factory. The place was drenched with character, from the soaring ceilings to the distressed brick walls to the wide-open space. Too much open space is not good when you have a crying baby. So we turned the only office with a door into the nursery. Sam’s nanny met us there every morning, and I would take breaks to nurse him every few hours.

We’d always brought our dogs to the office. How much harder could it be to have a baby? I remember a friend predicting it would be more stressful for me than anyone else. I sat through every client meeting terrified that Sam would start wailing at the wrong moment, and that the noise would assault the conference room.

But it was worth it. For me, it was much better to have my baby in the next room than a commute away. For Sam, he had me nearby for that critical first year. Shortly before he turned one, when he was suddenly mobile and could toddle over to an employee’s keyboard and erase a day’s work, my business partner and I agreed that we needed to figure out something else. 

Older kids can learn a lot from your business. The guy who owns our pest control company brings his preteen daughter along when he comes by to spray during the summer months. She may not have as much fun as she might at sleep-away camp, but she sees what her dad does all day and how he interacts with his clients. I’ll wager she’s learning a good bit about professionalism, business ethics, and building client relationships.

TIPS FOR TAKING YOUR CHILD TO THE OFFICE

Occasional is better than perpetual. Bringing your kid to the office on a teacher workday or an odd bank holiday is much easier for your employees to tolerate than having a kid parked in the conference room all summer. When your child shows up only rarely, he or she will be greeted like a V.I.P. If you drag your kid in every single day, the novelty will wear off pretty quick, even being the boss’ kid.

Manners count. When you bring your kids into the work environment, it helps tremendously if they treat people in the office with courtesy and respect. Please and thank you are musts, and grabbing things off people’s desks verboten.

Don’t assume your employees will double as babysitters. In a small company, it’s not uncommon for employees to pitch in to help the boss with personal tasks, even when it involves watching your kids for a few minutes. But they’ve also got their own work to do. If your assistant offers to run them down to the cafeteria downstairs, great. But don’t let the kids wear out their welcome.

Give your kid some work to do. It could be something that really does need to be done, like making photocopies or running mail through the postal meter. Or it could be a stack of copier paper and some colored pens for drawing. Just keep the kid busy, and before you know, it will be time to go home.

For more information, contact: Amy Packard 415 782 3177 apackard@wiley.com

The Three Big Questions for a Frantic Family: A Leadership Fable About Restoring Sanity To The Most Important Organization In Your Life by Patrick M. Lencioni Jossey-Bass; September 2008; $24.95 978-0-7879-9532-4; Hardcover

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As the father of five young children, an author, full-time, professional speaker, foundation president, avid outdoor lover, daily exerciser, etc., etc, etc., I think I could compete with most people in the busy department. As I think about it, I am not really very proud of that and who cares whether my friend was busier than I or I was busier than he. Does it really matter? What should matter is who has the most free time. The people who should be bragging are the ones who manage their time so well they have lots of discretionary time. I aspire to be like Timothy Ferriss author of the New York Times and Wall Street Journal best seller The Four Hour Work Week. Why don’t we brag about how much free time we have, how much time we spend with our family or on a favorite hobby?  What is it about life that makes us want to be (or portray to be) the busiest person we know?

The next time someone tries to play the crazy busy game with me, I think I will respond with “I’m totally caught up.” Then I’ll look at my watch and say, “Forgive me, I have nothing to do now and nowhere to be and I need to get there before nothing else comes up. Gotta run.” Then I’ll saunter (or maybe I’ll skip) away slowly…very slowly.