I am just one of the people who almost always says yes to their parents.

Most of my friends (sorry can not disclose their identity or they will kill me instantly) would rather try it first before admitted that their parents hold the truth and nothing but the truth.

“I hardly listen to my parents,”One of my closest friend told me. “Whenever they told me do not do this, I would do it the other way around…. If I can prove it that they are wrong, I would be proud… Well, not really tell them…. but you know the satisfaction. Naturally, when whatever they told me is the truth… I would only say in my heart…oh, well… at least I tried…”

Hehehehe…. No wonder I got stuck because I always worry and calculating and thinking hard before finally unable to proceed with whatever I am planning to do…. And therefore, regrets are the only thing that I have….

Time management is one of the hardest things to keep to. All of us, whether you are at home or in the office, we all need time management.

But February made with shiver
with every link that I’d deliver…

Time for another look at some things that caught my eye this week.   Recommendations can be sent anytime during the week to the e-mail address on my “about” page.

• I like a book trailer that really makes me want to read the book, and that’s what I found in the promo vid for the comic novel, The God Cookie by Geoffrey Wood.
• Not so sure about this one, though.  A somewhat backdoor approach to outreach by Lifechurch.tv under the website Satan Hates Life.  Tell me what you think.
• Got King James Version Only friends?  Here’s some material to help you make a rational response to their issues — if rationality will help at all — from the blog Gazing at Glory.
  
• Blogger Rich Dixon thinks we’re only considering two-thirds of a popular quotation from Augustine.   Check out his thoughts at Bouncing Back.
  
• Pornography.   It’s not just a guy thing anymore.   Here’s an article from Rachel Zoller at Focus on the Family, Girls Snared by Porn and Cybersex.
• Speaking of which, writing Monday’s Jewish-flavored post uncovered this page of recommended internet filtering software.   (The referrer liked the K9 (free) program.
• New Blog of the Week:  Downhill Both Ways.  Let’s just say the author, who most of you know, uses more than 22 words to tell a story.
• Here’s a flashback to October, a Tullian Tchividjian post about How to Identify A Reliable Preacher.   “…if we are going to grow we need to be sitting at the feet of reliable carriers of God’s truth.”
• Afraid?  Anxious?  Worried?  Fearful?   Check out this short post at Justin Taylor’s blog at The Gospel Coalition.
• You shouldn’t be a manipulator.  But neither should you be manipulated.   Sometimes manipulation comes disguised as the proverbial wolf in sheep’s clothing.   Check out the discussion at Resolved To Worship.
  
• A sad story out of Florida last week where two young street preachers were murdered, as reported in the Palm Beach Post.
• Jim Daly.  Get to know that name.   He replaces another J.D., James Dobson, as the voice — he’s been president since ‘05 — of Focus.   Here’s the 411 on him from The Wall Street Journal.
• Okay, so here’s the deal, I like to end each Wednesday Link List with a cartoon, and this week is no exception, with one from The Back Pew by Jeff Larson.   But does anyone know why there’s two versions circulating out there for this week’s cartoon? ????

It is such good medicine to laugh. I am so fortunate to have a really fun family. Yes, we do have our trials, but laughing and having fun makes the daily grind bearable. Sometimes I can just laugh on my own about something that I remember and it can completely change my mind set. I remember teaching an aqua class and a guy tried to do laps through the participants. It was just about the funniest thing that has ever happened to me in one of my classes. I had to kindly visit with the young man and not make him feel stupid. As soon as he left the pool, I laughed over and over that day. I was having one of those day’s where my carpets were dirty, bills had to payed, laundry had to be put away as alway’s and I’m sure that there were probably a pile of dishes in the sink. In that very moment, All my worries for the day were gone. Have a great day and find something to laugh about

Watching Nathaniel has caused me to come to this decision.  I’d rather be a toddler than a widow….

When you’re a toddler

• It’s perfectly acceptable to cry in public.
• People think you’re cute even when teary eyed.
• You can throw temper tantrums and cry and wail, flail and scream, kick and punch and everybody just says it’s normal.
• It’s okay to release every emotion and get everything all out on the table.
• You can release every emotion within a matter of a few minutes and it’s okay and you’re not crazy.
• Things that were “the end of the world” five minutes ago are all fixed now.
• Ice cream fixes anything.
• A kiss makes boo boos and pain disappear and turns the whole world right again.
• Hugs and snuggling are two of the best things in the world!
• There’s always somebody to comfort you and hug you when you have a bad dream.
• You’ve always got somebody to re-assure you and give you confidence and  strength.
• Somebody else does all the worrying… you get to play and there are lots and lots of toys.
• You don’t even know what bills are.
• Somebody else makes sure that you have yummy, nutritious, warm meals.
• You don’t have to drive.
• There are no major decisions for you to make.
• Life is simple and uncomplicated.
• Somebody else looks after you.
• Somebody else always has your best interests at heart- for your health, your well being, and your future…
• You are the most important thing in somebody’s world.
• You always have somebody who loves you to guide and encourage you- a built in cheerleader and pep talk.
• Unconditional love.
• Simple pleasures make for big delights.
• People say, “What a cute big belly.”  and smile sincerely.
• Life is innocent.
• Life is carefree.
• Once the tears are wiped away, it’s time to laugh and play and the tears are behind you… in the past… gone… time for a toy!

These are just a few of the reasons that I’ve decided that I’d rather be a toddler than a widow.  It could be that I’ve been up for 29 hours and can’t quite think straight, but I can”t think of a single worthwhile benefit to being a widow.

In the past month, I’ve met a good dozen people who have burned out recently or felt close to burnout. It wasn’t too long ago that I felt burnout myself—continually feeling under the gun, the candle burning at both ends, regularly feeling overwhelmed with too much to do.

Burnout is a regular visitor to the American workplace, and it can also happen at home. Toting kids to soccer games, meeting family obligations, getting food in the refrigerator—there are simply too many things to do in our lives if we’re to feel on top of it all. Last week, I met Fred. Fred is the antithesis of burnout. He simply waits around for things to happen. If they do, that’s great. If not, that’s fine, too. You see, Fred is a male monarch butterfly that happened across our home as a caterpillar, cocooned three weeks back and emerged from his chrysalis this past Saturday. Watching Fred do NOTHING the past month has been a reminder to me not only of my own anxieties and worries but also of my need to slow down.

While I realize this comparison with Fred is a bit of a stretch, our lives are often frantic because we make them that way—we become cross over things that need not cross us. In watching Fred, I saw that there was an instinct on his part that kept him waiting for something to happen with an air of calm. You could not hurry the little guy out of his cocoon. In fact, if you do, bad things happen.

Perhaps there is a “Fred” in your own life—something or someone that reminds you of the need to slow down, to remember that “each day has enough trouble of its own” (Matthew 6:34). Take it from my friend Fred–we don’t need to worry about tomorrow! May each of us slow down to the degree that we are able so that we don’t burnout in the long run.

We all have fears.  We all have anxiety.  But for some people their fears and anxiety get in the way of them living their life the way they want to live it.  If this is the case for you, it is important to recognize that you can learn tools to help set you free from the fear that holds you back from living your life more fully. 

It is important to learn how to manage feelings of fear.  Part of doing this is creating the ability to separate the true signals of danger from false alarms.  For some people, their brains fire signals that indicate they are in danger when they we really aren’t.  Some examples of this are: 

• Having a panic attack when there is not immediate threat to your safety.  For example, in a grocery store.  At that moment your brain is telling you that you must flee- that you are in danger.  When in reality, there is no real threat to you.
• Feeling a sense of dread or extreme fear when you encounter germs.  Although your intellectual mind may know that not every germ you encounter is going to kill you, it feels as if you are in immediate danger.  The danger feels very real.
• Something in your environment reminds you of a past trauma and you immediately feel that you must fight or run.  You may feel a sense of danger and extreme fear even when you are in a safe environment.  (This frequently happens to people who have experienced terrible trauma or have PTSD).

Panic attacks essentially are a false alarm.  The brain is sending off the fight or flight signal, when no real danger is present. 

Anxiety has been coined as “a disease of uncertainty.”  If you suffer from anxiety, you may be plagued with feelings of self doubt.  You may not know what you feel or what you truly want.  You are likely to be out of touch with your own desires and needs and, as a result, may find it hard to trust your own intuition or decisions.  This leads to an overactive mind that is constantly thinking, questioning, and worrying about what the “right” decision is.  You may spend countless hours trying to think through decisions before you make them and you are likely to feel stuck and indecisive.

One of the things that can keep you stuck in feelings of anxiety is self judgment.  Often people judge themselves as an attempt to try to get themselves out of a rut they are in.  They may say to themselves “You shouldn’t be feeling anxious right now!  Snap out of it!”  Or they may be even more self-critical and put themselves down for feeling anxious or fearful.  The result of this kind of self-talk is that you end up feeling more anxious, rather than less.  Each time you tell yourself that you should not feel a certain way you are actually increasing that emotion you are trying to rid yourself of. 

One of the most important concepts regarding anxiety is that it feeds off of avoidance.  The more you avoid, the more anxiety you will experience.  This is a basic tenet of anxiety management.  Avoidance can take the many forms such as:  procrastination, withdrawal from activities and isolation from others.

If you are like the millions of others who suffer from anxiety you may feel helpless and scared.  Because of all the ways anxiety can end up taking charge over your life, you may end up feeling powerless to make changes.  You may feel like the anxiety is ruling your life and you have no control. 

Mindfulness is one way to effectively decrease symptoms of anxiety, panic and worry.  A regular meditation practice and a mindful outlook on life will help you to increase your awareness of what you feel, want and think, and as a result your feelings of uncertainty will decrease and you will increase your ability to trust your intuition.  One of the main principles of mindfulness is decreasing self-judgment.  Mindfulness and Cognitive Behavioral techniques can be very useful in transforming unhealthy judgment and criticism into feelings of self love and kindness.  You may find that when you begin to take a stance of kindness towards yourself when you feel anxiety, worry or fear, your anxious feelings soon become less powerful and the one who feels powerful and in control is you.  By slowly beginning to decrease your avoidance you will find that your anxiety loses its power over you.

Satan can cause us to worry about many things when it comes to infertility.  Our health insurance covered no infertility benefits whatsoever, so I remember worrying about the cost, and how much we, especially my husband, would be willing to pay.  I fretted about the unknown.  Would this ever end with me having a baby, or would our first “baby” – my black lab – be my only baby?!  Worry was stealing my joy.

I talked to God and asked – cried – did He want me to keep going through this?  And faithful as He is, a very present help in trouble, the Lord led me to my Psalms (and my Streams).  It was January 23rd, 2002.  I knew immediately my verse for today was Psalm 113:9 – my verse!  Psalm 112:4 encouraged me, too.  I know God is here.

“God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble.”  Psalm 46:1

“He maketh the barren woman to keep house, and to be a joyful mother of children.  Praise ye the Lord.”

“Unto the righteous there ariseth light in the darkness: he is gracious, and full of compassion, and righteous.”  Psalm 112:4

So I sat down at the piano to play a bit, and this song just sort of wrote itself. Totally reflecting the season of life I’m in right now, learning to trust God more even when it doesn’t make sense. Still a few things I want to tweak/add but this is it!

When I walk through the valley
I will not fear, I will not fear
And when I can’t see You
I will trust You are near

I will put my hope in You
I will find my hope in You

You are good, You are good
And your faithfulness endures

When my world falls around me
I will be still and know You are God
When I don’t know what to do
I will fix my eyes on You

Why so sad, my soul? Put your hope in God
I will yet praise Him, I will sing

You are good, You are good
And your faithfulness endures

Even when I walk through the darkest valley, I will not be afraid, for You are close beside me. Your rod and Your staff protect and comfort me.
Psalm 23:4

Yet I still dare to hope when I remember this: The faithful love of the Lord never ends! His mercies never cease. Great is His faithfulness; His mercies begin afresh each morning.
Lamentations 3:21-23

For the Lord is good. His unfailing love continues forever, and His faithfulness continues to each generation.
Psalm 100:5

God is our refuge and strength, always ready to help in times of trouble. So we will not fear when earthquakes come and the mountains crumble into the sea. Let the oceans roar and foam. Let the mountains tremble as the waters surge! “Be still, and know that I am God!”
Psalm 46:1-3, 10

“O our God, won’t You stop them? We are powerless against this mighty army that is about to attack us. We do not know what to do, but we are looking to You for help.”
2 Chronicles 20:12

Why am I discouraged? Why is my heart so sad? I will put my hope in God! I will praise Him again— my Savior and my God!
Psalm 42:11

A couple of years ago, I was in Ireland and happend on this pastoral scene. Snap, my digital at the ready, I recorded the moment for the simple beauty of it. Looking at it again, I realize there’s a lesson here, if I care to learn it: These horses were unequivocably and completely ”in the moment” enjoying the tail (oooh, sorry) end of a brilliantly-sunny week (a rarity in  Ireland).  As they grazed, their minds and bodies were as one: contented.  No eating the rich grass and feeling the warm sun, but thinking…”What if the farmer up the hill comes and sees us chomping on his lawn?” or ”We’d better not eat too much and spoil our horse-y figure,” or “This tourist is pointing something at us. Does it look like a gun to you, junior? ….You know it looks like a gun to me.”

Nope. They just stood there, in that one moment in time, and took it all in.

Wouldn’t it be great if you and I could be like that…keeping both feet in the here and now, and not one foot in today and one in tomorrow? 

As a wise, young philospher (my husband) once said, “Let there be no crisis before its time.”  I’m trying to internalize that.  I hope you can, too.

Need more prompting. Here’s what George MacDonald advises: “It is when tomorrow’s burden is added to the burden of today that the weight is more than a man can bear.  Never load yourself so.  If you find yourself so loaded, at least remember this:  it is your own doing, not God’s. He urges you to leave the future to Him, and mind the present.”  Amen.

What do you worry about most?

What’s worrying you?  How can you achieve victory over anxiety?  Here are some biblical arguments and specific verses that Justin Taylor posted to help us fight and conquer anxiety in our life

1. God is near me to help me.

Philippians 4:5-6: “The Lord is at hand; [therefore] do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.”

2. God cares for me.

1 Peter 5:7: “. . . casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you.”

3. My Father in heaven  knows all my needs and will supply all my needs.

Matthew 6:31-33: “Therefore do not be anxious, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ 32 For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.”

4. God values me more than birds and grass, which he richly provides for and adorns; how much more will he provide for all my needs!

Matthew 6:26-30: “Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life? And why are you anxious about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is alive and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith?”

5. What can man do to me?

Matthew 6:25: “Do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing?” [I.e., you still have eternal life even if you have no food; you will still have a resurrection body even if you are physically deprived.]

Luke 12:4: “Do not fear those who kill the body, and after that have nothing more that they can do.”

Luke 21:16, 18: “Some of you they will put to death. . . . But not a hair of your head will perish.”

Romans 8:31-32, 35, 38-39: “If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things? . . . Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or danger, or sword? . . . For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.”

6. Anxiety is pointless.

Matthew 6:27: “Which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life?” [Answer: no one.]

7. Anxiety is worldly.

Matthew 6:31-32: “Do not be anxious, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the Gentiles seek after all these things. . . .”

James 4:4: “You adulterous people! Do you not know that friendship with the world is enmity with God? Therefore whoever wishes to be a friend of the world makes himself an enemy of God.”

8. Tomorrow doesn’t need my anxiety.

Matthew 6:34: “Do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.”

Lamentations 3:23: “[God's mercies] are new every morning.”

In my opinion, the most biblically practical of all of John Piper’s books may be one of his least known: Battling Unbelief: Defeating Sin with Superior Pleasure.

He defines “anxiety” as “the loss of confident security in God owing to feelings of uneasiness or foreboding that something harmful is going to happen.”

Here’s an outline of verses that can be used as weapons to combat the lies and false promises of the Evil One in contrast to believing the great promises of God:

Battling Anxiety in General

Lamentations 3:22-23; 1 Corinthians 10:13; Deuteronomy 33:25; Psalm 56:3; 1 Peter 5:7; Philippians 4:6-7

Battling Anxiety About Being Useless

1 Corinthians 15:58; Isaiah 55:9-11

Battling Anxiety about Feeling Weak

2 Corinthians 12:9-10

Battling Anxiety about Difficult Decisions

Psalm 32:8; Psalm 25:8-9

Battling Anxiety about Opponents

Romans 8:31

Battling Anxiety about Afflictions

Psalm 34:19; Romans 5:3-5

Battling Anxiety about Aging

Isaiah 46:3-4

Battling Anxiety about Not Persevering to the End in Faith

Philippians 1:6; Hebrews 7:25; Jeremiah 32:40

Battling Anxiety about Death

Romans 14:7-9

Today was not the best of days, but it definitely wasn’t the worst, either.  Actually, it really wasn’t too shabby at all, but but it could have been better in several ways.  Today was both the first day of Mozart scenes rehearsal in OpShop and the first day of Monteverdi Vespers with all the instrumentalists.  As for the Mozart, I think that I did fine but there’s one kid in there that is struggling along and it’s going to make our jobs much more difficult, slow-paced, and frustrating.  As for Monteverdi, again not too shabby on my part (I think?), but I still feel that I have a long way to go to be good and I’m not going to make it there by our performances.  Plus, it makes me especially nervous because the famous lute professor is playing theorbo with us for the concert, and he happens to be sitting right in front of me, hearing all the wrong (and some right) things I’m playing, and so that makes me extra nervous and self-conscious.  I feel a little sub-par and out of control about the whole thing, but not too badly; I’m getting the hang of it definitely, but I just don’t quite have the hang of it yet.  The other downer of the day was the outcome of my friend’s orchestra audition; I really know none of the details at all, for I believe he doesn’t really want to talk to me (which makes me a titch sad), but it sounds like something even on the level of traumatic happned and I feel like I could help (or at least I want to try), but, unanimously, no one ever listens to my suggestions.  Perhaps I am just a blowhard, but I still feel very compelled to try and help those about whom I care.

One other note about the day – and actually about college and college students in general – is that whenever there is some sort of lecture on something (I don’t care if it’s outside of class, or perhaps I even care more so in such situations) I try to take as many notes as possible.  This was exemplified today when there was a lecture on the Monteverdi Vespers, and yet in a room of 30 or so people I’m pretty sure I was the only one who wrote anything down, let alone took 4 or 5 pages of notes.  I just don’t understand why no one else does!  I always feel that who knows when I’m going to need any of this semi-random information again, BUT based on the way in which I believe the world works, chances are good that at some point in my life I will need the information again, and so why not pay attention and get as much info out as possible.  I’m the same way in rehearsals – my rehearsal scores get ridiculously marked up and that why I try to use a copy that I can keep so that I will have all my notes and markings and other general scribblings right there at my disposal and I will know how we interpreted a particular importance and what the condutor and others thought was important in the score at that time.  I also just plain find such things interesting, but I do believe that you can learn a great, great deal from your professors, and so take it all in a don’t miss a minute of it. . . write it down!  You won’t remember it 10 years from now, let alone 10 months from now.  But evidently no one else seems to think this way.  Perhaps it comes from the same obsessive compulsive part of my brain that decided when I was a little kid that I would put a date on everything I ever wrote (and that original copies shouldn’t be corrected without leaving notice of what was corrected – i.e., I want to know what I was originally thinking ).  I still do that, by the way. . . every one of my pages of notes, etc., gets a date marking up in the top right-hand corner, and these days every date gets put into a little box.   Oh, OCD – in many ways you actually make my life easier!  Oh, and totally random:  I ended up seeing bits and pieces of Titanic on TV last night between 11 PM and 3 AM; I would wake up at random intervals and start crying.  I do so still love that movie, though I’ll rarely admit it in public.  The whole idea is very special to me, though, and not only does it pull on my heartstrings from a romantic point of view, but it also tugs on my strong tie to the event itself.  It also got me thinking today about the first time I’d ever heard of the Titanic, or, rather, how I was introduced to the event itself – - When I was young (probably only 5 or maybe 8 or so, but certainly not much older) there was a book on tape about it in the children’s section of our public library and I believe my mother found it and told me about the event and I’d never heard of it before.  I was obsessed with it for quite awhile after that, as well, for I remember writing short stories about it in 4th or 5th grade and getting a book (about its discovery) at the one-free-book give away as part of the Fourth of July celebrations in the park one year.  All of this was long before the movie, and long before I knew that we shared the day together.  And I remember the first time I ever watched the movie, which was about 3 years after it was released, and how after watching it all the through I immediately had to watch it again because I was so moved by it.  Many, many memories.  And it still gets me everytime I watch the movie, and I still go through my various phases of obsession with the event and its various players and their lives and deaths.  I will always feel that I have a strong connection with the Titanic.  And maybe your dreams do come true in the end.

(please excuse the topsy turvy punctuation. im incredibly lazy and only punctuate for my stories. this one is true)

so, theres this boy.

oh yeah, its one of those.

his name is James. hes currently 17. hes a father. hes incredibly nice, sweet, good looking to a degree.

a couple of years ago (or maybe it was one?) Jay dated him for a month. right away, i could tell it was headed for disaster. the first day that they were dating (Jay and i had slept at his house the night before, it was halloween, the first time i drank. ugh. but thats another post), he was incredibly handsy, kissy, all about the PDA and not letting Jay be more than 2 feet apart.

turns out, he was very clingy. he threw in the word love maybe a week after? im not sure, it was early though. myself, being cynical in love, thought this was incredibly dumb and Jay at first ate it all up. then it got worse and finally she broke up with him.

drama ensued. one of the main reasons they broke up was because she liked her now ex-bf, a far more compatible guy than James. they didnt talk for a while, James dated others, Jay dated now Ex-bf.

but, now ex-bf and James were friends, and after James got over the betrayal, Jay, James and i began hanging out again.

anyway, i dont remember much between then and the meat of the story, so im going to skip it and go to the meat.

Jay and James started hanging out more, and texting. then, James’ gf didnt like Jay (because shes a biotch and because of their history) so they stopped talking for a bit. James and i started texting. James doesnt go to school. he dropped out, but he goes to college now. anyway, hes home alot. so we would text basically all day long. it was nice having someone to talk to. he would tell me goodnight, keep me entertained in my classes, and basically have OK conversation with me. (it would lag alot , but it was nice, though)

then one day, he stopped. and then he started texting Jay again. i got mad at that. i didnt (and dont) like him, but Jay has always had the most attention, she steals the spotlight without even trying. i always feel like second banana to her. anyway, whatever, we wont talk anymore, big deal.

(this is all happening a couple of months ago)

then, James and Jay were hanging out, and they started cuddling. with her bf (the ex) downstairs.

they hang out again, and this time they kiss, and he licks her neck.

yeah, she basically cheated. im not judging though, and i dont know why. maybe its because i was there when her bf was lying to her, and making her upset that i feel it was justified? i could never judge Jay though. she could have sex with him and i still wouldnt think shes a slut. i told her that too.

anyway, they assess the situation, and James wants his biotchy gf and Jay of course wants her bf. they dont speak of it and everything goes on as before.

but, at the same time, theres Kayla. Kayla is Jays old best friend, shes known her since… i dont know shes known her way longer than shes known me. grade school years. they dont really talk anymore, but she sits at our table at lunch. anyway, somewhere along the way, James starts talking to her. they kiss, but then Kayla pulls out a wildcard in the form of another guy and dates him instead. this hurts James, but he has biotch and Jay so i guess he dealt.

skip ahead to the present (i hope this isnt confusing), to this weekend. Jay and i go out to eat and walk around the mall. my moms busy buying herself a macbook and we need a ride. it just so happens that Kayla and her sister (i mentioned her maybe 2 posts ago? the pretty one who has never dated but wants to) and… James are in the area.

Jay and Kayla have this unspoken competition for James. they both hang out with him, flirt with him, and im not sure if Kayla has hooked up with him but they both want him. its weird to watch.

we all go to Jays house and take pics on my macbook, and James says that i hate him.

hate him? why would i hate him? in fact, it wasnt too long ago that we were spooning in his bed. YEP. me. spooning. with a boy. and yet, i still dont like him. that night was weird. it was me, Jay, her bf, and James. Jay and her bf slept together and i had no choice but to sleep with James. he intiated contact and he definitely wasnt sleeping. it was odd. all i could think was how i wished it was someone i liked instead of him. he put his hand over mine. it was very romantic i guess.

anyway, yeah, i definitely dont hate him. the last time i saw him, i was at his house when i found out that boy1 didnt like me, and i was too sad to speak because i was so sure that if i did i wouldnt be able to stop myself from crying.

then, after they left, Jay said i did make it seem like i didnt like him, because i was saying mean things to him, like threatening to add his biotchy ex gf on facebook so she could see the pictures we took of him and 2 girls that he had either talked to/gone out with/made out with.

but i think its different for me. i dont like him. i havent kissed him, i havent dated him. the stakes arent the same for me. i dont feel the same about him than like Jay and Kayla do. im not in the competition. it doesnt matter to me what happens between the four.

the other day, James went to Jay (the now single Jay) and they made out. or she went to his. i dont know. and then Jay forwarded me a text from James of him telling Jay that James still had feelings for her, something ive known for a very long time.

it sucks that no one can know that they made out (except me, and the people who read my blog of course

Jays ex specifically told her that he would be hurt if he found out James and she kissed. and, it would ruin him and biotchys rebudding relationship, and score a point for her in her competition against Kayla. but alas, no one can know.

i dont know what to make of this. it feels so Shakespearean to me, so soap opera-ish. i think Jay should tell her ex, because i think he deserves some hurt since he hurt Jay for his own selfish reasons. i hope they dont go out again. she still wants him, and whenever she tells me i just keep quiet, i wont say what i think because i know thats not what she wants to hear.

anyway, i was laying down last night and this was just floating around my head, demanding to be written down. so i did. its really short, but it has a lot to do with whats going on. its probably my brain making sense of all of this in story form.

“Why don’t you just move on?” Kelly asked me.

I hardly even thought about my answer. Wait, that’s a lie. I’ve thought about this answer so many times that I didn’t even have to pause, the words flowed out of my mouth like water.

“Because, I’m hoping that he hates this just as much as me. That he will crack before I do. I always crack, I always go back to him first. I don’t want to anymore, but at the same time I do. I’m so scared that when I give up, I’ll break. and that I wont be able to come back. I’m almost there, I can feel the cracks spidering on my skin, in my heart, on my soul. I swear that I’ve been this way for so long that I don’t even remember whats its like to be whole. Actually, I do remember, it was with him. And if I give up now, who’s gonna pick up my pieces?”

so, i have cramps up the wazoo, and i probably wont post for a couple of days. feel free to leave an opinion on this, id appreciate outside input.

xoxo,a

Turtle is feeling much better. I’m still feeling a bit of whiplash. This last cycle was such a huge roller coaster for us. There is still a chance that Turtle is pregnant, but we won’t know for sure until either a positive pregnancy test or AF arrives. Turtle has been using some cheap HPTs every day or two, but no BFP yet.

I’m torn. I want Turtle to be pregnant. I want us to be officially onto the next step. I want to feel we’re making progress toward having baby. At the same time, I’m worried about the stress TTC has had on Turtle. She really does have a lot on her plate, and I don’t want to add to that.

Turtle and I have talked about when we might switch to me. I’m a bit scared of trying. I’m worried about being off my antidepressants (although there are some that are approved for use by pregnant women). I’m worried about being able to take care of us (Turtle and me) during this summer and fall while Turtle gets her feet under her professionally. I’m worried, worried, worried. At the same time, I’m dreaming of being pregnant and giving birth.

I keep hoping that Turtle’s already pregnant. I think it may be a pretty big let down if AF shows.

Unseasonably warm, wet weather in the Vancouver area has been a worry for organizers in recent weeks.

Crews are working around the clock using natural and man-made snow to ensure courses are ready, Tim Gayda, vice president of sport for the Winter Games, said.

Source:
http://articles.sfgate.com/2010-01-29/sports/17840922_1_snow-gretchen-bleiler-slopes

What does life mean to you? What do you want your life to mean? Will it be worth it?
” What you think youre doing in the next…40-50 years?“
-What had you wished you’d done?-

Why?

Sometimes, or actually always, I wish i’d been born earlier, like 10-15 years.
There was so much of history, life that I wish I’d lived in another time for, and entering into the 21st century as a child, one can not appreciate the past enough.
As a big fan of the 80’s and 90’s I so wish id been born to be old enough to truly appreciate those times, but young enough to enjoy it to the fullest.
Sometimes, or actually always, I stop and think, that we can never get the past back, all we´ll have are memories, that slowly fade away in the uproar of the ‘future’.
It makes me scared and sad, that the future is inevitable… Things wont ever be the same, things might not get better?

…One day we wont exist, and there will be no-one to remember us…

Unless we do something, NOW!

Tomio Araki…remember that name, and the man.

I relented today and watched the Super Bowl with my husband. Normally, I’m not that interested in football if the Steelers aren’t playing (my hometown team—Go Steelers! Well, maybe next year), but this was a good game. And the commercials, well, I suppose some of them were pretty good.

What did you do on Sunday evening? Who were you rooting for? I know a few people who are disappointed because they are Peyton Manning fans. Sorry, Marge! And I know a whole lot of people who are excited because they are Saints fans.

In the game of football, or any other sport, there is always a winner and a loser. That’s just the way things work. During the regular season there are many who play, but only one team can win the Super Bowl.

Each of us wants to be the winner of the race. We want to get the prize, to wear the laurel wreath, to wear the gold Olympic medal. Some of us will try to work out. And a small few will actually work hard enough to actually win. The apostle Paul recognized this when he compared the Christian life to a race. “Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one gets the prize? Run in such a way as to get the prize” (1 Corinthians 9:24).

The difference in the Christian life, however, is that the race doesn’t have just one winner, but many. Just like the Saints, those who work together, who live the Christian life, who persevere in faith will find themselves holding the prize one day, along with all of our brothers and sisters in faith, as a part of the Bride of Christ. What is this race we are running? And whom are we competing against?

Unlike the game of football, when you know all of the players on the field, in this race the competitors are more obscure. They come at us from many different areas of life and work to trip us up, to keep us from winning the prize, that is, to be found faithful by our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.

My first competitor is my own fleshly wants and desires, what Paul called the “sinful nature.” Each newborn child is self-centered, concerned about what he or she needs: food, comfort (clean diapers), shelter (a nice warm blanket). As the child grows that self-centeredness grows, simply because the child cannot fathom the world beyond himself yet. We expect children to act that way; it is normal. When we grow up, however, we are supposed to grow past that self-will and selfishness, but most of us just struggle.

How can I overcome this nature that conflicts within me? Paul continues, “Everyone who competes in the games goes into strict training. They do it to get a crown that will not last; but we do it to get a crown that will last forever. Therefore I do not run like a man running aimlessly; I do not fight like a man beating the air. No, I beat my body and make it my slave so that after I have preached to others, I myself will not be disqualified for the prize” (vv 25-27).

I’m not suggesting self-flagellation (beating yourself), and I don’t think Paul was either. But he was talking about exercising discipline in our individual lives, learning how to resist temptation and self-will. “Those who live according to the sinful nature have their minds set on what that nature desires; but those who live in accordance with the Spirit have their minds set on what the Spirit desires” (Romans 8:5). What does the Spirit desire? We can only know the Spirit’s desires by knowing the Spirit of God, by spending time in the Word of God, and by letting the Spirit lead and guide us.

A second competitor in our race to eternity is the riches of the world and its influence upon us. Watching the Super Bowl, we saw multiple commercials that cost millions of dollars, just to sell us a car, a sandwich, a soda, etc. It is called business. The purpose of business is to sell things and to make money. Unfortunately, the money that we make often becomes more important to us than our families, our selves, and even our faith.

Solomon tells us, “Whoever loves money never has money enough; whoever loves wealth is never satisfied with his income. This too is meaningless” (Ecclesiastes 5:10). We find ourselves seeking more and more and being satisfied with nothing. It isn’t the money that is evil, but the “love of money” as Jesus said.

To pass this competitor and avoid its tackles and traps, we must put possessions and wealth in their place, “So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own” (Matthew 6:31-34). Should we work? Of course! Should we save money? Why not? But when we save our money to the exclusion of supporting the church and/or providing for the poor and needy among us, we are loving money more than God.

While there are other competitors in this race, overcoming these two will go a long way toward getting us to the finish line victorious. Disciplining our minds and our desires, our thoughts and our wants, will help us see the truth of eternity, that today is just a blip on the radar compared to the overwhelming joy we will experience as we stand at the finish line and hear our Savior say, “Well done, good and faithful servant! You have been faithful with a few things; I will put you in charge of many things. Come and share your master’s happiness!” (Matthew 25:21).

Blessings,

Mary Kay Glunt, Pastor
revmkg@sbcglobal.net

New York Magazine has a good long analysis of the State of the Union in a political perspective and points out some worrying signs about the constitutional structure. The big question is if too much democracy is about to skew things out of proportion.

As the two chambers of Congress were supposed to represent the elite and the masses, the basic idea was that a mix of the two would provide the best rule for the country. Not very efficient, but stable over time.

The problem now is a population of over 300 million, not 4 mill as when the Union was founded. The mechanisms for keeping mass movements within an established functioning political machine could be at loss, especially if you add new inventions like cable and the web.

Growing signs of constitutional short-comings are congressional deadlocks and growing mass movements on the outside of things. The tyranny of the Poll is probably not either really taken into account into the original workings of the executive and legislative brances of government. And the deeper problem with an outgrown Constitution is the paralysis and inability to fix the foundations when it’s suddenly too late. Try to picture a bipartisan Dems & Gop Senate Congressional Bill for Constitutional Reform..

One last point though, not from the article but in general, is the problematic use of words like “democracy”, “masses”, “people” and “elites”. Most are just a bag of good or bad subjective emotions. The “elite” concept of the founding fathers seemed to mean a collection of good-willing intellectual non-selfish humble public servants, as a premise for the well-functioning of the current US Constitution.

NyMag story here.

31 How old I’ll be on April 7. And how old hubs is.

27 The size of my cyst last Thursday (in millimeters).

16 The number of BCPs I have left to take until I can try again. (Hopefully. I realize nothing is a given.)

15 The number of miles I’m running per week these days.

12 The number of days my LP lasts.

7 My lucky number.

6 The number of out-of-town weddings we’ll travel to from April to July. There’s also my March work trip and hubs has a bach party coming up. So 8 trips, really.

5 The number of months I’ve been seeing Dr. C.

4 How many times I’ve taken Provera.

3.4 The thickest my lining has been in a medicated cycle.

2 The number of times I’ve taken Clomid.

1 The number of times I’ve ovulated.

0 the number of times I’ve had an actual shot at getting pregnant.

Hello bloggies! Guess what?! I am going stir crazy over here with this extra month off. I have moments where I feel calm and okay with this slow and crooked path I’m on. Then the wind changes and I feel super-scared about my cyst (which I can definitely still feel, it’s a little owww-ish) and painfully frustrated to be doing NOTHING. Basically just…blah. Last month I had the HSG and the consult to help me feel like I was taking control of this situation even while I waited to cycle again. This month, I’ve got nothin’. Our crazy travel sked doesn’t begin until March (too bad it didn’t coincide with this break!) so I’ve got a month of grey, cold February-ness to hunker down and get through.

On the upside, we had a really nice weekend. Last night hubs and I made a TON of delicious Superbowl food just for the two of us. I was not feeling like socializing at an SB partay, so we stayed in and went crazy cooking. (Prosciutto-wrapped dates stuffed with Manchego cheese and fresh mint leaves, spinach and artichoke dip, baked buffalo wings with homemade blue cheese dip, peanut butter bacon bread. Mmmm. Lefties galore!) We got some errands done. We went out to dinner on Friday. I got my hair cut! We saw Crazy Heart. It was a good weekend. I just hate that there’s a constant whirring in the back of my head….literally contemplating the numbers above….counting down to when I can start cycling again….and wondering what’s up with my cyst. Ugh. Make it stop! Just let me live my life!

It’s Monday. I’ve got far more on my plate this week than I can possibly get to, it’s freaking me out a little – plus I’m sleepy and can’t believe next weekend is a full five days away. I’m sure you’ve felt the same way before.

Try this on for size: all that worry, all that anxiety, all that fear about what happens if it doesn’t get done? Let it go. Just…. don’t worry about it. Take a pass on getting all stressed out about stuff this week and just take it as it comes.

You’re not going to go broke any faster, get fired more easily, find yourself in the doghouse for this or that by worrying about it all any more than by just jumping right in and getting to it. And spending all those worried moments actually enjoying whatever it is, no matter how menial, you’re doing.

In fact, you might even find you get more done without all that worry weighing you down. Funny how it works like that, huh?

Often our preoccupation with the three most basic human desires – security, pleasure and power – is the cloak that covers transparency.  The endless struggle for enough money, good feelings, and prestige yields a rich harvest of worry, frustration, suspicion, anger, jealousy, anxiety, fear and resentment.

- Brennan Manning, The Importance of Being Foolish: How to Think Like Jesus, HarperOne, copyright 2005, page 38