I am a 23 year old male, am currently on Adderal XR 30Mg bid, Xanax 1Mg bid, and Remeron at bedtime. I have been on Adderal XR for five years. (at 60mg) The last few months the pharmacy has given me (unbeknownst to me) generic adderal XR, and I noticed (without knowing it wasn’t the ‘name brand) a substantial change in my productivity and overall, an increase in ADHD symptoms. (honestly it feels like taking 30mg alone) And have finnally the last week, got out and old bottle of immediate release 30 Mg Adderal (not XR) and have taken 30mg(XR) AND 30mg (regular) in the morning and 30mg of the XR in the afternoon, and have done well. The doctor I am seeing has already lowered the xanx dramatically. (my other doctor had me on 4mg qid wich was a lot but I most days only took 2mg 2 or 3 times a day) And has sarcastically made comment about me being on “all the good stuff” and “great combination” I take he is very biased when it comes to sched. medications. Any way, I am very apprehensive to tell him about the Adderal problem as, I was doing great on 3mg of xanax and still he lowered it, I don’t want the same thing to happen with Adderal, If he did, I would be a more unfocused MESS. Also, I have been reading about Vyvanse. Is that possibly a good thing to switch to? (70mg bid?) (and what about 2mg xanax XR in the AM and 1 mg regular prn?) Does this seem like a logical request to ask a very closed minded doctor? (I can’t switch doctors for 6 months).

Your situation brings up many different issues that I think will be helpful to others.  Let’s start with the Adderall issue.  A number of months ago (can’t remember exactly when), Adderall went generic and everyone started getting “mixed amphetamine salts” instead of their brand name stuff.  Anytime this happens, there is a segment of the population that does not get the same benefits as they do from the brand name drug.  This switch to generic Adderall is no different.  I have received what I feel are credible complaints about it not lasting as long, “kicking in” too strongly, not getting the “boost” from the second half of the medicine, etc., etc. You identify the perfect scenario where you didn’t even realize that there was a change (they look very similar to each other).   The best solution for you would be to go back to the brand-only Adderall.  It worked for you for years and you had no difficulty with it.  You were not seeking more of it over time or playing with the dosages.  It will likely cost you more and your doctor may have to advocate for you (more about him later), but it would be the logical thing to do.  I would not switch to Vyvanse because Adderall was working for you in the first place.  Just go back to what worked.  I worry that Doctor Sarcasm would view a request to switch to Vyvanse as drug seeking, since Vyvanse is “the good stuff” now.

Now, the Xanax.  You don’t describe what role the Xanax has in your life.  Did you have severe anxiety in the past?  Has that been better lately?  Have you had the re-emergence of anxiety as the dose of the Xanax has been reduced?  These are all very important questions that need to be answered.  Most doctors (myself included) like to get people on the lowest possible dose of Xanax and, if clinically appropriate, off this class of medicine.  Xanax, in particular, has a nasty reputation of being addictive and abusable.  But the tapering of medicine should be clinically driven and not based on population based fear.  And it should never be accompanied by sarcasm.  You go to the doctor for help and advice.  If you want sarcasm, go talk to your family.  That is actually the most concerning issue raised by your letter.  Given how you seem to feel about the relationship you have with your doctor, I would say that 6 months can’t pass too quickly.  Try talking to him in a straight forward manner and address his sarcasm if he slips into that again.  You can try saying something along the lines of . . . “I hear by the tone in your voice that you don’t trust me with these medications.  I can assure you that I take only what is prescribed and only take these medicines to control my symptoms.”  Maybe the doc will listen, maybe he won’t.

Good Luck!

–Dan Hartman, MD

Benzodiazepine abuse, such as Xanax, Valium, and Ativan, can cause addiction, even death, and withdrawals often need medical intervention.

Benzos, or benzodiazepines, are a class of psychoactive drugs with varying hypnotic, sedative, anti-anxiety, anticonvulsant, muscle relaxant and amnesic properties. Sold as Xanax (alprazolam),Librium (chlordiazepoxide), Valium (diazepam), and Ativan (lorazepam), these slow down the central nervous system.

Useful in treating anxiety, insomnia, seizures, and muscle spasms, they seem helpful enough.

There is a catch: The long-term use of benzodiazapines can cause physical dependence. In other words, drug addiction.

“We have dealt with many people who started using Xanax or Valium to help with insomnia or anxiety,” states Mary Rieser, Executive Director for The Atlanta Recovery Center Drug Rehab in Georgia. “Unfortunately, once they become drug addicted to these prescription drugs, they often need a medically supervised withdrawal from them.”

That’s right. Benzo withdrawal can cause death.

“Any withdrawal from any drug is extremely uncomfortable. Our withdrawal specialists work with our students in withdrawing from drugs comfortably,” continues Ms. Rieser. “However, benzo and extreme alcohol addiction need close medical supervision.”

For the full story http://news.wooeb.com/NewsStory.aspx?id=141985&ret

Teens: Easy to Abuse Prescription Drugs, Often With Deadly Results.

Prescription Drug Abuse

Prescription drugs are the most common abused drugs by teens, after marijuana, a study has recently shown.

This is not surprising, as prescription drugs are normally easily available, found in medicine cabinets at home. These prescription drugs, usually opiates such as OxyContin or Percocet, or benzodiazepines, such as Xanax or Valium, will produce a euphoric sensation if abused. They can also be deadly.

The Atlanta Recovery Center Drug Rehab in Georgia warns that teens abusing prescription drugs is more prevalent and more deadly than ever before.

“Studies have shown that teens in increasing numbers are reporting that they have abused prescription drugs found in parent’s medicine cabinets,” states Mary Rieser, Executive Director for The Atlanta Recovery Center Drug Rehab in Georgia. “Twenty percent of teens in America, or roughly 6 million teens, have abused prescription pain medication, and the same amount have abused prescription stimulants and tranquilizers.

For the full story http://news.wooeb.com/NewsStory.aspx?id=142463&ret

Withdrawal symptoms from benzos are truly in a league of their own. Unfortunately, here in UK a 6 week detox is the norm, which may be long enough for alcohol, crack and heroin users but not for benzos.  Benzos play with the mind in a way that other substances do not and a 6 week detox is too fast. The brain goes into shock and GABA receptors shut down causing a  protracted withdrawal that, then lasts for years.

The Ashton taper method involves first switching the user from shorter acting benzos, such as Ativan, Xanax or Temazepam et.al. to an equivalent dose of Diazepam. The client then reduces at a rate of no more than 1mg per week. As it is impractical for users to spend the necessary amount of time as an in-patient successful benzo withdrawals must be performed at home. For further information and a support forum on using this technique please refer to Benzo.uk.org.

I went into an abstinance-based rehabilitation centre a year ago and was reduced much too quickly. Admittedly my habit was ridiculous and the place undoubtedly saved my life, but I was suffering so badly that 6mths down the line I was forced to pick up another diazepam script to stop me going completely mad! I arrived with a 400mg a day diazepam and 12omg a day methadone habit. The heroin, crack and cannabis I was using on top of this were irrelevent.

I was reduced immediately to 20mg diazepam, codeine phosphate(DF118s) and a small dose of Chlopromazine. Unsurprisingly I had a seizure but over the following couple of months I was reduced to 5mg and then none. Although I could handle the physical withdrawals, just, my head was pickled.

I was then put on a course of Buspar to help control my anxiety, amitriptyline for depression and 1 Zopiclone at night to help me sleep.  I struggled on, pretty much oblivious to the rest of the program and after 3mths I was completely clean and moved onto the Secondary stage. Mentally, I was feeling worse and worse so went to see a local GP who put me first on Citalapram, which increased my anxiety and mania. A different GP believing I may be suffering from manic depression refered me for secondary mental healthcare and gave me a strip of the anti-psychotic Respiridone. Apparently, the symptoms of acute benzo withdrawal are often mistaken for bi-polar disorder.

Anyway, the mental health team decided I didn’t need their support and I was again prescribed amitriptyline. After 6mths my funding was finished and I still felt as bad as ever. I moved out of rehab and into my own room, but soon became completely overwhelmed. I was convinced I had caused myself irreperable brain damage and in utter desperationfell back onto the only coping mechanism I knew. I ordered 1000 diazepam over the internet and felt better immediately.

By now I had discovered a couple of benzo support forums online who explained that I was experiencing protracted benzo withdrawals that would last several years. If I had reduced according to the Ashton taper method I would still be withdrawing, but much less intensely. Forum members with personal experience advised me to obtain another diazepam script and to reduce at the rate of 1-2mg every 2 weeks. I am now down to 8mg a day and with the support of ACT I am finally getting there.

I have been through hell but blame only myself and want to make sure that nobody else suffers unnecessarily to the same extent as I did. It is very unlikely that anyone reading this will ever have to withdraw from 400mg of diazepam a day, but the same principles apply. Benzo users wishing to come off should stick to the Ashton taper plan and seek support from other ex-users or professionals with experience of working specifically in that field.

Useful Links

Online Information and Support

• BenzoBuddies is the best support forum on the internet for anyone coming off Benzos.
• Benzo.org.uk is the authority on The Ashton Taper Method, however, the forum is less active.

Editor’s Note: Why do I do this? Because we are delivering a message to future generations about how the world works contrary to our constitution and contrary to American values and ideals. Conservatives conserve nothing except the wealth of the fantastic few while the liberals liberate nobody from the yoke of economic slavery. Maybe it’s all a game. I won’t play and if you care about this country and wish to avoid a societal collapse, you should stop playing too.

History has shown us with grim clarity what happens to any country or empire when the power and the wealth gets so concentrated in just a few people while the rest of the population can’t keep a roof over their head and can’t eat food and can’t get medical care, all hell breaks loose. Galbraith, IMF economists, World Bank economists, all know what is going to happen do to our failure to police our own, our failure to make it right and our failure to make amends to our allies or would-be allies.

Children are learning an important lesson: in their world, Mom and Dad are powerless to prevent the worst things from happening and there is nobody else they can depend upon. A whole generation is growing up with the notion that the American Dream is an unknown, unknowable fantasy. Every time the far right asserts personal responsibility in the face of a wretched fraud committed on most of the country, they close the gate a little more, waiting for the final slaughter. Every time the far left wimps out on their own paltform, the one the people elected them on for CHANGE NOW, they deceive and abandon our citizens.

And so we are a Prozac nation because everyone is depressed. We are a Xanax nation because everyone is so stressed out we can’t think straight. And those of us who are entering our twilight years see a future where our children and grandchildren and their children will lead bleak lives of quiet desperation in a country which proclaims free speech and assembly but has surrendered that basic right to about 100 institutions that control the lobbyists who control the flow of money in Washington and state houses.

In April, 2007 stocks were up, confidence was high and everyone had been convinced that all was well without questioning anything. Meanwhile in the inner recesses of the Federal Reserve and halls of power of the executive branch and the U.S. Department of Treasury in particular, they knew the collapse was coming and the only reason they did nothing was political — they didn’t want to admit that the free market was not working, that it wasn’t free, that it was controlled by monopoly and oligopoly, and that the government wasn’t working either because we the people had allowed people to get re-elected despite their sell-out of our countries and our lives.

In I did some very simple calculations and determined that the DJIA was not actually worth 14,000, it was worth 8,000. As it came down, more stumps revealed themselves as the high water receded. The equities market is overpriced by about 25%-30%. Housing is still inflated by 15%-20%. Nobody wants to hear this. The dollar is in a swan dive because everyone in the world knows the reality except the citizens of the United States of America where we have a “free press” that would rather entertain us than actually tell us the news.

I’m doing my part. What are you doing to end this catastrophe?

Job Woes Exacting a Toll on Family Life

THE WOODLANDS, Tex. — Paul Bachmuth’s 9-year-old daughter, Rebecca, began pulling out strands of her hair over the summer. His older child, Hannah, 12, has become noticeably angrier, more prone to throwing tantrums.

Initially, Mr. Bachmuth, 45, did not think his children were terribly affected when he lost his job nearly a year ago. But now he cannot ignore the mounting evidence.

“I’m starting to think it’s all my fault,” Mr. Bachmuth said.

As the months have worn on, his job search travails have consumed the family, even though the Bachmuths were outwardly holding up on unemployment benefits, their savings and the income from the part-time job held by Mr. Bachmuth’s wife, Amanda. But beneath the surface, they have been a family on the brink. They have watched their children struggle with behavioral issues and a stress-induced disorder. He finally got a job offer last week, but not before the couple began seeing a therapist to save their marriage.

For many families across the country, the greatest damage inflicted by this recession has not necessarily been financial, but emotional and psychological. Children, especially, have become hidden casualties, often absorbing more than their parents are fully aware of. Several academic studies have linked parental job loss — especially that of fathers — to adverse impacts in areas like school performance and self-esteem.

“I’ve heard a lot of people who are out of work say it’s kind of been a blessing, that you have more time to spend with your family,” Mr. Bachmuth said. “I love my family and my family comes first, and my family means more than anything to me, but it hasn’t been that way for me.”

A recent study at the University of California, Davis, found that children in families where the head of the household had lost a job were 15 percent more likely to repeat a grade. Ariel Kalil, a University of Chicago professor of public policy, and Kathleen M. Ziol-Guest, of the Institute for Children and Poverty in New York, found in an earlier study that adolescent children of low-income single mothers who endured unemployment had an increased chance of dropping out of school and showed declines in emotional well-being.

In the long term, children whose parents were laid off have been found to have lower annual earnings as adults than those whose parents remained employed, a phenomenon Peter R. Orszag, director of the White House Office of Management and Budget, mentioned in a speech last week at New York University.

A variety of studies have tied drops in family income to negative effects on children’s development. But Dr. Kalil, a developmental psychologist and director of the university’s Center for Human Potential and Public Policy, said the more important factor, especially in middle-class households, appeared to be changes in family dynamics from job loss.

“The extent that job losers are stressed and emotionally disengaged or withdrawn, this really matters for kids,” she said. “The other thing that matters is parental conflict. That has been shown repeatedly in psychological studies to be a bad family dynamic.”

Dr. Kalil said her research indicated that the repercussions were more pronounced in children when fathers experience unemployment, rather than mothers.

She theorized that the reasons have to do with the importance of working to the male self-image, or the extra time that unemployed female breadwinners seem to spend with their children, mitigating the impact on them.

Certainly, some of the more than a dozen families interviewed that were dealing with long-term unemployment said the period had been helpful in certain ways for their families.

Denise Stoll, 39, and her husband, Larry, 47, both lost their positions at a bank in San Antonio in October 2008 when it changed hands. Mrs. Stoll, a vice president who managed a technology group, earned significantly more than her husband, who worked as a district loan origination manager.

Nevertheless, Mr. Stoll took unemployment much harder than she did and struggled to keep his spirits up, before he landed a new job within several months in the Kansas City area, where the family had moved to be closer to relatives. He had to take a sizable pay cut but was grateful to be working again.

Mrs. Stoll is still looking but has also tried to make the most of the additional time with the couple’s 5-year-old triplets, seeking to instill new lessons on the importance of thrift.

“Being a corporate mom, you work a lot of hours, you feed them dinner — maybe,” she said. “This morning, we baked cookies together. I have time to help them with homework. I’m attending church. The house is managed by me. Just a lot more homemaker-type stuff, which I think is more nurturing to them.”

Other families, however, reported unmistakable ill effects.

Robert Syck, 42, of Fishers, Ind., lost his job as a call-center manager in March. He has been around his 11-year-old stepson, Kody, more than ever before. Lately, however, their relationship has become increasingly strained, Mr. Syck said, with even little incidents setting off blowups. His stepson’s grades have slipped and the boy has been talking back to his parents more.

“It’s only been particularly in the last few months that it’s gotten really bad, to where we’re verbally chewing each other out,” said Mr. Syck, who admitted he had been more irritable around the house. “A lot of that is due to the pressures of unemployment.”

When Mr. Bachmuth was first laid off in December from his $120,000 job at an energy consulting firm, he could not even bring himself to tell his family. For several days, he got dressed in the morning and left the house as usual at 6 a.m., but spent the day in coffee shops, the library or just walking around.

Mr. Bachmuth had started the job, working on finance and business development for electric utilities, eight months earlier, moving his family from Austin. They bought something of a dream home, complete with a backyard pool and spa.

Although she knew the economy was ultimately to blame, Mrs. Bachmuth could not help feeling angry at her husband, both said later in interviews.

“She kind of had something in the back of her mind that it was partly my fault I was laid off,” Mr. Bachmuth said. “Maybe you’re not a good enough worker.”

Counseling improved matters significantly, but Mrs. Bachmuth still occasionally dissolved into tears at home.

Besides quarrels over money, the reversal in the couple’s roles also produced friction. Mrs. Bachmuth took on a part-time job at a preschool to earn extra money. But she still did most, if not all, of the cooking, cleaning and laundry.

Dr. Kalil, of the University of Chicago, said a recent study of how people spend their time showed unemployed fathers devote significantly less time to household chores than even mothers who are employed full-time, and do not work as hard in caring for children.

Mr. Bachmuth’s time with his girls, however, did increase. He was the one dropping off Rebecca at school and usually the one who picked her up. He began helping her more with homework. He and Hannah played soccer and chatted more.

But the additional time brought more opportunities for squabbling. The rest of the family had to get used to Mr. Bachmuth being around, sometimes focused on his search for a job, but other times lounging around depressed, watching television or surfing soccer sites on the Internet.

“My dad’s around a lot more, so it’s a little strange because he gets frustrated he’s not at work, and he’s not being challenged,” Hannah said. “So I think me and my dad are a lot closer now because we can spend a lot more time together, but we fight a lot more maybe because he’s around 24-7.”

When Rebecca began pulling her hair out in late summer in what was diagnosed as a stress-induced disorder, she insisted it was because she was bored. But her parents and her therapist — the same one seeing her parents — believed it was clearly related to the job situation.

The hair pulling has since stopped, but she continues to fidget with her brown locks.

The other day, she suddenly asked her mother whether she thought she would be able to find a “good job” when she grew up.

Hannah said her father’s unemployment had made it harder for her to focus on schoolwork. She also conceded she had been more easily annoyed with her parents and her sister.

At night, she said, she has taken to stowing her worries away in an imaginary box.

“I take all the stress and bad things that happen over the day, and I lock them in a box,” she said.

Then, she tries to sleep.

Prescription Drug Abuse Rising in Teens.

Parties Teens Attend Can Be Deadly

You may not know this, but seven of the top ten drugs being abused by teenagers today are legal prescriptions or over-the-counter medications.

What does this have to do with your teen?

Let’s say you have teenagers.

They say that they are going to a friend’s house for a party. You reminded of the drunken “keggers” you went to as a teenager, ask if there will be alcohol. They say no. You breathe a sigh of relief and give permission.

They come back, obviously intoxicated, but you don’t smell any alcohol, or marijuana. They haven’t been drinking, but something is wrong.

Welcome to the world of the Pharm Party.

The Atlanta Recovery Center Drug  Rehab in Georgia warns that while alcohol is still the drug most abused by teenagers, pharma parties are becoming the rage.

“ Teens will raid their parents’ or grandparents’ medicine cabinet, take Oxycontins, Percocets, Valiums, Xanax, and a get together with their friends,” warns Mary Rieser, Executive Director Of The Atlanta Recovery Center Drug Rehab in Georgia. “They will mix and match their drugs, which is of course very dangerous. Soon they become drug addicts and this starts the dwindling spiral. Parent’s can’t figure out what happened.”

For the full story http://news.wooeb.com/NewsStory.aspx?id=137837&ret

*Nov. 9, 2009
Task force director: Cooperation between states, laws necessary
BY VANESSA C. DEGGINS

Local law enforcers seized more than 3,100 prescription pills last week, pushing them past their 2008 record of 7,244 illegal pills confiscated, according to Combined Anti-Drug Task Force statistics.

Director Lt. Billy Chapman says he thinks good law enforcement has contributed to those numbers, but there are other factors that are more important.

In 2007, 56 people overdosed on prescription drugs in Calcasieu Parish. In 2008, there were 33 overdoses. So far this year, there have been 23.

“It’s a gradual decrease as we get everything working together,” Chapman said.

“Everything” isn’t just in Louisiana. Chapman said about 95 percent of all illegal drugs in Southwest Louisi–ana are coming from southeast Texas.

“We have local and federal officers we speak to every week in Houston and Orange and Beaumont,” Chapman said. “But they (in Texas) don’t have the laws in place yet to make arrests.”

The laws he is referring to would be similar to doctor shopping, drug-monitoring and labeling statutes in Louisiana that have been passed in the past three or four years.

A doctor-shopping bill would makes it a felony to have a prescription filled at multiple clinics or pharmacies within a certain amount of time.

The Louisiana prescription drug-monitoring law gave the go-ahead to set up a database — accessible only by doctors, pharmacists and law enforcers — that shows how much of a scheduled drug was prescribed to a person in the state.

The most-recent law passed in Louisiana was to change Soma from a legend drug to a schedule IV drug. As a legend drug, doctors and pharmacists did not have to report how much of the drug they were prescribing and dispensing.

“This was a big step, because Soma is part of that trilogy of pills — along with hydrocodone and Xanax — people are getting when they doctor shop.

These laws have made it difficult to get large quantities of prescription pills in Louisiana, but a large supply is available across the border in Texas.

Calcasieu Parish District Attorney John DeRosier had been working with Texas legislators to push through tougher regulations of prescription pills.

In this latest session, Texas passed a law that required all pain management clinics to be owned by a physician registered with the state board of health.

“Before, anybody could own a clinic and hire a doctor to run it,” Chapman said. “So what we were finding is the doctor was only there a few days a week and doctor’s assistants and nurses were writing the majority of the prescriptions.”

Texas’ Legislature meets every two years, instead of every year.

“People always need to understand that this takes time,” Chapman said. “When we got the prescription monitoring law passed, it took another year for us to get the database set up, and there is always something we can fix.”

A doctor-shopping bill will be presented in the next Texas Legislature.

“After that we’ll be rocking and rolling,” Chapman said. “The goal is always to stop it from even getting out there.”

link: http://bit.ly/3tkGTi

We are pleased to announce the opening of our new Pharmacy!

You are welcome to visit us and get a special discount when you mention this website.

www.thenewsayulitapharmacy.com

Open Daily from 9am to 9 pm

52-C Revolucion Ave, Sayulita

Phone: (329) 291-3947

Here are some pictures of our pharmacy:

*published Nov. 3, 2009

Three traffic stops on I-10 lead to busts
BY VANESSA C. DEGGINS
Three separate traffic stops on Interstate 10 last week led to the seizure of more than $68,000 in prescription pills and illegal drugs — not record confiscations but a “significant pop,” said Lt. Billy Chapman, director of the Combined Anti-Drug Task Force.

At 6 p.m. Oct. 25, officers reportedly stopped Sylvinnia S. Moore, 28, and Samantha J. Lewis, 21, both of Mobile, Ala., on Interstate 10 in Lake Charles and found 120 pounds of marijuana in the trunk of their rented vehicle. They were traveling from Houston to Mobile, officers said.

At 9 p.m. Oct. 28, officers reportedly stopped Jonathan K. Kennerson, 23, of Houston, and Camiece M. Groves, 21, of Huffman, Texas, and found three bags — with 2,016 hydrocodone pills and 504 Xanax pills — hidden in the fender of their car. Kennerson was going to Lafayette, officers said.

At about midnight Oct. 29, officers stopped John H. LeGros, 30, of Roanoke, near Vinton and found 613 Lorcet pills and 46 Somas in his vehicle.

Sheriff Tony Mancuso said the seizures were significant because District Attorney John DeRosier has been working hard to help control prescription drug abuse in the area.

“These are the pills that have been killing our young people in Calcasieu Parish,” DeRosier said.

He said state doctor-shopping laws and prescription pill monitoring systems have made it difficult for people to get such large amounts of drugs in the state.

“We made strides this year with the Texas Legislature passing laws to regulate pain management clinics,” he said. “We still have to get a doctor shopping statute there.”

TO HEAR PARTS OF THE NEWS CONFERENCE, CLICK HERE.

Mancuso said agencies here are working with the Houston police, Harris Country deputies, the Drug Enforcement Administration, and drug task forces in Lafayette and Mobile.

“It’s been so important to combine our efforts with other local and federal law enforcement,” Mancuso said. “We have major waterways and a major interstate coming through the parish.”

Sgt. Gene Pittman with the local task force said well over 90 percent of the drugs in the area come in through Houston.

link: http://bit.ly/1Pchg0

So lately you’ve been having anxiety attacks, Your dreams are strangely realistic and they are coincidentally coming to fruition.  You have a sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach when something weird is about to happen.  What do you?  You ask Hottywood to pull out his crystal ball and see what the future holds for you. 

Not everyone has been blessed with the gift of foresight.  Luckily, I have.  As I gaze into the realm of the next moon, I am guided by the light to tell you that you are not clairvoyant, as I.  According to the stars, those culminating dreams you are having is nothing more than gas and that sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach is just the armpits of the guy who sits in the cubicle next to you. 

Below are Hottywood’s cookie fortunes, as revealed through the four elements of the earth.   

Take heed.  Knowledge is power.

___________________________________________________________

Capricorn

December 22 – January 19

Tomorrow you will wake and realize you have no clean socks.  Avoid opened toed shoes, sandals and people with white carpet.  Be cautioned that someone will smell your feet a mile away and will probably attack you with a machete.  Also, eggs will give you a gas. 

___________________________________________________________

Aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Your colleagues will make fun of you behind your back.  Check your armpits.  Avoid telling long, drawn out stories or jokes and plan to work only a half day.  Chances are you are about to get fired and you will need time to collect cardboard boxes to hold the supplies you will steal from the supply closet.       

___________________________________________________________

Pisces

February 19 – March 20 

Your girlfriend will stop having sex with you this week.  She is seeing someone way hotter than you are.  Your luck has not changed.  Buy another bottle of lube, a six pack of beer and life supply of Xanax.  It’s going to be a long week. 

___________________________________________________________

Aries

March 21 – April 19

You will drop your cell phone in the toilet just after you’ve scored a #2.  Purchase a samurai sword.  You will need it to chop your hand off.  Also avoid airplanes, rubber stamps and kittens. 

___________________________________________________________

Taurus

April 20 – May 20

Today you will consider drinking bleach as you are finally asked out by what seems to be the last man on earth.   The date will be a disaster…or not.  Avoid sunlight, Dr. Pepper and general tso’s chicken.  Friday your paycheck will be garnished, but tacos will be on sale – 2 for the price of 1. 

___________________________________________________________

Gemini

May 21 – June 20

You will receive a third warning eviction notice today.  Check with your neighbor’s kids to make sure they did not hide the first two; either way you’re pretty screwed.  Start packing and practice crying.  It’s not sure to gain you sympathy, but you’ll look funny to all the people who turned down your request to bunk with them. 

___________________________________________________________

Cancer

June 21 – July 22

The word “Terry” will be important today for reasons that are as perplexing to us as they will be to you. In fact, we estimate that 99.13% of all your confusion today will be caused by the very question of who the hell “Terry” is.

___________________________________________________________

Leo

July 23 – August 22

Apologize to your supervisor before 10.  By noon you will have scotch-taped her stilettos to the radiator.  More doors are opening.  Welcome security guards with open arms.

___________________________________________________________

Virgo

August 23 – September 22

Avoid the law.  Stay away from policemen, mall cops and crossing guards.  They all carry pepper spray and have big feet.  Today you are a walking “kick me” sign.  Your breath will stink and tic-tacs will be sold out across the nation.   Your soulmate is waiting outside your door, wearing a hockey mask.

___________________________________________________________

Libra

September 23 – October 22

Sometimes the only way to succeed is by murdering the entire board of directors.  Today is your lucky day.  Pack a bologna sandwich.

___________________________________________________________

Scorpio

October 23 – November 21

You will get a good look at your one-night stand during the morning light and decide to give up tequila.  You should call in sick because your house will be robbed.  That one-night stand is an ex-con.   Invest in barbed wire.

___________________________________________________________

Saggitarius

November 22 – December 21

Anything someone says today that is unkind is probably meant in jest, you ugly bastard.  Bullets are on sale.

___________________________________________________________

Quote of the Week:       “The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity. But not in that order.”

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Adolescent Abuse of Prescription Drug: Xanax.

It is a Schedule IV controlled substance, which means that it has a high potential for abuse.   There are at least 28 adverse reactions that can be caused by Xanax, including headache, tremors, confusion, blurred vision, memory loss and convulsions – not the ingredients for those who want to make the list of “those most likely to succeed.

The Atlanta Recovery Center Drug Rehab in Georgia warned that according to survey, kids take it for the relaxing high and because it is socially acceptable and easily accessible.   The prescription drug can be found in many family medicine cabinets or three tablets can be bought on the streets for five dollars.   Some kids take eight at a time.  They mix Xanax with orange juice, alcohol or an energy drink to intensify the effects.    Those who mix it with alcohol, are putting themselves at extreme risk.  The mixture of xanax and alcohol can result in respiratory suppression and even death.

A survey at a local high school revealed that Xanax abuse is on the rise with our students.  One student interviewed reported, “Xanax is the most commonly abused drug in my school.  Kids take it all the time.  They get it out of their parents’ medicine cabinets.”  He continued with, “It’s a bigger problem in my high school than pot.”

For the full story http://news.wooeb.com/NewsStory.aspx?id=132911&ret

Today finds me ill, with a bad cold. That means chills, aches and pains, and mucus. Lying in bed, my mind is racing despite having taken two Vicodin, seven Xanax, and smoked some pot. The pot was hard to keep into my painful, withered lungs.

I’m wearing Linda’s underwear, which is perfectly comfortable given my lack of testicles. My Obama shirt is keeping my nipples warm, which is a crucial aspect of any sick man’s recovery; warm nipples. Socks embrace my feet.

The stereo is playing Marni Nixon sings Classic Kern, as in Jerome Kern. She is singing, “The Song is You.” Annie is in the window, which is still a bit open against the cold, but the lights are off and the blinds are drawn as much as possible. I detest sunlight. I’m not sure why, but it makes me very unhappy.

Today, I wanted to write about sex a bit. But it doesn’t seem necessary. Nothing I do hasn’t been done 1,000 times before, and better, by someone else.  So I’ll make it quick.

Hilary Swank apparently got into trouble with some fans last week when she revealed that she doesn’t bother putting a top on in the morning, and that her boyfriends 6 year old son has often seen her magnificent Swank breasts.

My response to the story was a total lack of shock, followed by me imagining what she looks like naked, and then I moved on. But there was more. The comments section of this particular newspaper was full of Swank criticism! She was called, “trailer trash” and “vulgar.” It was at that point that I realized I had to say something, using my only megaphone. The Velvet of Pansies.

Linda and I once went to a nude camp, for one Saturday night. That provided two days of surreal nudity in public. We conversed with a Providence doctor, who happened to be in fine shape, about this and that. All the while pretending that vagina lips and cocks weren’t getting sunshine. Soon after, we swam and found that swimming nude is pure heaven. It’s just right. The campfire that night also felt right naked, except for the spark that sometimes flew out and threatened a vulva or a scrotum. Or anything, really.

Generally speaking, however, my clothes are on. Linda is the sole benefit of nude tomfoolery. But why are Americans so squeamish about breasts? And nudity? Let’s start with boobs.

They are not a sex object, except in the mind of the wanna be beholder. They have a function, to feed babies and put the right stuff in their bellies. Cow milk is not a good thing. Women now want the right to feed their babies out in public places, and yet some are facing resistance! This is from a culture where boobs are used to sell shows and movies and cars and everything else. You will see a breast on the BBC, but never on NBC. It’s silly.

This plays into why it is silly to over-react when your child sees you naked, or wants to play naked, or sees non-sexual nudity on television. If Hilary Swank had jumped up and acted mortified, it would have added negative currency to an aspect of the female form. It’s much better to she trust, and make it clear that it’s no big deal.

By the time most teenagers are ready to take their genital out for a walk, they’ve seen countless violent acts on television and in movies, with parental consent. They’ve seen a lot of sex, too, but not around their parents. Most of us will not wield a .357 Magnum or fight vampires, but we will wield a wet vagina or erect cock.

It’s not vulgar to talk about sex with your children, it’s vulgar not to. It’s crass to pretend that a guy getting his head shot off is “ok” but a man holding his wife and moaning while coming inside her, that’s verboten.

Personally, I keep clothes on as much as possible, outside of the nudist camp. I’ve lost 250lbs over the last 10 years, and a lot of loose skin makes me quite the unappealing nude sighting.  But when I was at that camp, walking outside naked and being seen was liberating. All the things I tried to hide, like my small dick and empty scrotum and large breasts, were just out there.  No physical secrets. Everyone was nice, too. Should go back there.

Hilary Swank is right. It’s a young child and it’s no big deal. It contributes to a healthy view of sexuality. And she does have a nice rack, too. I know because the kid Twittered, “Dad’s gf has supa supa teeeeeeeeeeeeeets! Where’s my binky?”

and tomorrow, 4 years and 1 day.  today is my 4 year ‘anniversary’ of the sad and awful day i was diagnosed with breast cancer.  i won’t dwell too much on that day except to say that it was a surreal nightmare that seemed to go on and on.  of course, that might have been the copious amounts of xanax i ingested in order to find some way to keep breathing.  that xanax.  that was an eye-opener for a girl who didn’t take pharmaceuticals!  (actually, more like an eye-closer because even 1/2 a tiny dose put me right to sleep.)

i’m a little nervous to even ‘talk’ about it but then i reasoned that it is simply a fact.  and tomorrow, i will be 4 years and 1 whole other day away from that stupid fucking day. 

i’m 29 pounds lighter and have immeasurably improved my cholesterol and ldl’s and hdl’s and whatever other dl’s there are to improve.  i have hair.  i have stuff.  i have the most wonderful husband and am utterly in love with my quirky teenage daughter, no matter how many times she rolls her eyes at me.  i let myself sing at the top of my lungs (and, i promise you, that is inconceivably loud) when i’m in the basement on my wonderful elliptical.   for the moment, i’ve stopped compulsively eating between meals.  brooklyn is still one of the coolest places to live.  we have plans to travel more.  i have friends i like.  i feel here. 

Xanax, the drug for curing anxiety and depression, is available in different dosage forms, namely, 0.25, 0.5 mg, 1 mg and 2 mg. Yet, xanax 0.25 and 0.5 mg are firstly advised by a doctor and only when these medicine fail to yield any remarkable outcome, a higher dosage is referred by the doctor. few of the marked properties of Xanax 1 mg tabloid are mentioned below:

* Xanax 1 mg tabloid is a Central Nervous System relaxant.

* 1 mg Xanax tablets have alprazolam as the important active ingredient. The remaining ingredients exist in Xanax 1 mg are namely magnesium stearate, colloidal silicon dioxide, hypromellose and lactose. Furthermore, the 1 mg xanax tablet also has D & C yellow No.10.

* Before using Xanax 1 mg, it is essential to have a physician’s advise.

* Xanax 1 mg tabloids are made for oral use just.

* Xanax I mg tabloid chiefly functions by lessing the activity of the nervous system and thence the patient gets proper comfort from anxiousness pangs.

* Xanax I mg tabloids are found in both generic and trademarked versions.

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Oh man.. So, how about that bipolar episode last night? Ahh.. It was so.. Shitty. Really, I’m not normally like that. But I guess I am every now and again.. Looking back, I don’t know what it was that triggered that outcome, but it surely was intense. It’s been so long since I actually screamed. It’s been so long since I felt out of control. I believe it’s time again for some more medication. I think a brief period of time will work out just right.. I’ve always hated being on long-term medications.. But xanax always does the trick. Roughly five days or so, heavily medicated; And then, BAM! I’m better for a good long while. I’ve only had to do this twice, in the last year. I have great faith that if I actually go get it, it’ll all be fine for quite awhile, at least five months..

Can I be real with you? Honestly, I don’t know how to explain my mental state. I want to believe I’m the one in control; I want to believe I’m just acting out in teen angst; I want to believe a lot of things about myself, which I find to be quite difficult. When I think about it, I don’t know how to explain anything about my brain.. My thoughts are so random and odd. I could never tell anyone more than half the shit that runs through my mind all day long. Maybe if I just tell you everyone I deal with on a regular basis, you can think your own thoughts about life. I would really like to know how someone else would perform in my life. I want to know that I’ve actually done something worthwhile in my time. It isn’t a lot of time, but it’s a sizeable amount. I feel like I know something about a few things. For instance, when I walked into Lloyd’s living room the other night, and asked Alex what he was talking about with Lloyd’s boss, I knew exactly what he was talking about. They were disagreeing on the subject of the extreme left-wingers to have as much televised as Fox.. Of course, this isn’t possible as of right now. Fox has a lot more power than any of our left-wing attempts at getting on the damn televison. Now, I’d like to think that a lot of people my age don’t know what that means, or really give a shit about what it is. Maybe I’m the ignorant one, I don’t know.. Give me some feedback, kids.

Life goes on, even when I have desperate freak outs and last attempts at trying to be a child. Seems like every Sunday turns out the same.. Maybe I should go get in a fight with Marshal, and then go blaze a bowl with Dylan.. Just like the last one.. Fuck, man.. Would it be possible, if, on the new Mayan calandar, if we could just leave out Sundays.. At any rate, who is working on the new calandar? Someone should, if you don’t want to die. I’m telling you, the world is going to end, if someone doesn’t make the new calandar.. Maybe I should write a letter. Damn, the things to do today just went up.. I might have a decent Sunday.. And we can’t have that now, can we?

Je ne me rappelle plus si la télévision est devenue n’importe quoi à partir du moment où l’on pouvait y voir n’importe qui, ou l’inverse.

Heureusement que le poste est là pour attester des instants de transition où les hommes transforment leurs côtés sombres en vitrines alléchantes.

Il fut un temps où le téléviseur déterminait le jeu social, à présent il l’articule, depuis que le vedettariat est à portée de tous en un claquement de doigts, en un click il est devenu une profession de foi.

Enfant, je me disais qu’il y avait Dieu au-dessous de ma tête pour entretenir une certaine terreur républicaine et la télécommande en guise de libre arbitre.

Mais, dans une époque absurde, quoi de plus normal que les dealers de morale et d’humanité croupissent dans un anonymat sans public – hors guerres et catastrophes naturelles – et que nos plus bas instincts érigent la scatologie à l’état de religion ?

Je me suis souvent interrogé durant mes heures de colle sur l’utilisation correcte de la Bible, j’ai fini par admettre qu’elle était le chaînon manquant entre le code pénal et une campagne publicitaire.

Le manque potentiel engendre inexorablement un sauveur providentiel, fût-il la dernière cuisine équipée ou du papier hygiénique.

Avant que les écrans ne deviennent des tribunes passives pour la pédophilie, j’ai perdu le goût de l’irrémédiable.

Quand la télévision a fait du public son spectacle, il ne lui restait plus qu’à vendre des nombrils.

J’étais donc là, amorphe, au sommet de mon art, pris en flagrant délit de téléphagie sur un canapé s’effondrant en temps réel, entouré de papier peint couleur HLM et de la moquette du locataire précédent, le cable était enfin dans les moyens de ceux qui n’en possédaient pas.

J’avais plus la télévision dans la tête que la tête devant la télévision.

Entre un mauvais épisode d’X-Files sur la mythologie de la connerie populaire et Yo ! MTV raps avec son cortège de mythomanes parlant vrai, je me donnais parfois bonne conscience en regardant le Jean Edern’s Club, tout en lorgnant sur la montagne de devoirs dont la logique prévisible me préparait à l’usine, et que je ne faisais donc pas, eux qui trônaient sur mon sac à dos fétiche made in china, avec un logo américain.

Je vivais quelque part entre l’exception culturelle et la mondialisation bon marché.

Chut, la télé parle, la séance de name dropping pouvait commencer et malheur à celui qui ne maîtrisait pas une référence, un silence trop éloquent ou certaines absences dans la lueur des yeux étaient un motif d’élimination cathodique.

Cher ami censeur de l’industrie culturelle et faiseur de bien pensance sur mesure avant la télé-réalité accompagnée de son voyeurisme universel et de son exhibitionnisme d’époque, les émissions littéraires avaient tué le ridicule !

J’avais 13 ou 14 ans, la littérature ne m’intéressait guerre, mais des sexagénaires en plein clash à coup d’invectives vouvoyées, criant de tout leur sphincter, le côlon au bord de l’implosion et qui, pour un oui ou un non, voulaient en découdre au nom de l’humanité, de la décence, de la France ou simplement pour avoir un avis gratuit, eux, arrivaient à stimuler ma passion pour l’accompagnement de fin de vie.

La bizarrerie était suffisamment étrange pour que je finisse par écouter ce qui se disait entre les séquences d’insultes, enfin, comme dans un bon disque de rap.

Entre Charles Bukowski et Old Dirty Bastard mon cœur balance, toujours.

Des empoignades de canapé, il en existait de toute sorte de la Duchère à St Germain, à ce détail près qu’à la Duchère, on ne se serait jamais amusé à balancer dans les airs un livre acheté avec les 3-8.

On l’aurait mangé, certes, vers le 15 du mois avec un bouillon, mais c’est tout.

Cela doit être dû à la pénibilité ou à l’apesanteur.

Si j’ai bien saisi les ressorts qui animent cette farce entre amis, mieux vaut s’en prendre à ce que fait quelqu’un plutôt qu’à ce qu’il est.

Un groupe de gens se faisant la guerre poliment, pourquoi pas, mais ma chère éducation nationale – républicaine sous tout rapport et laïque selon son bon plaisir – m’a toujours claironné, martelé, vociféré que les livres c’était sacré, et le sacré dans ce pays…

Que la télévision possède un pouvoir de coercition afin de ridiculiser les choses importantes, soit, mais que celle-ci puisse arriver à nous faire croire que rien n’a de sens ? Non !

Alors, le jour où j’ai vu l’une de ces prostates sur pilotis balancer un bouquin dans les airs en stipulant que c’était de la merde, pour moi la messe était dite.

Il me fallait impérativement un début d’explication – avant de brûler une voiture ou devenir nihiliste – je décidais donc d’en parler avec la personne la plus lucide du corps enseignant dans mon collège : le concierge.

Il était à la fois la colonne vertébrale et laissé pour compte dans cette garderie.

Evidement, vous allez me dire que j’aurais dû aller voir mon professeur de français, mais franchement, une personne qui boit un pichet de Côtes du Rhône à chaque déjeuner, qui laisse sa boite de Xanax à portée de vue et, surtout, qui vit en plein fantasme Ferryien dans une ZEP, je ne pouvais en aucun cas lui parler du ridicule et encore moins de la dérision.

Celui ou celle qui a appris la vie dans un livre, périra par ses élèves.

Il fallait que j’explique mon affaire à Gérard, le concierge, la cinquantaine, les dents bien entamées par les Gauloises et l’haleine qui va avec, le visage suffisamment boxé pour justifier son vécu, son abdominal sculpté par la bière moulait son uniforme, des tatouages de la guerre d’Algérie sur les avant-bras, les mains pétries par une femme dépressive, deux enfants en prison et les ongles noirs de vingt ans de bons et loyaux services à ramasser la merde de l’avenir supposé de la nation.

Il n’avait rien à perdre puisqu’il avait compris tôt qu’il n’y a rien à gagner, alors il se faisait un plaisir d’assener quelques vérités à qui le croisait dans un couloir – écrivains craintifs misant plus sur la sécurité de l’emploi que sur leur talent et racailles tiers-mondistes chaussant 1000 francs de misère sociale – il était donc l’homme de la situation.

« - Alors p’tit, c’est quoi ton truc crucial à régler aujourd’hui ?

Un problème de main droite ? Une méthode d’intimidation à l’attention des nouveaux profs ? Un plan d’évasion avant la prochaine chasse à l’homme ?

Non, c’est un vrai problème ce coup-ci, apparemment, rien à voir avec les cons qui viennent ici parce qu’on leur a dit d’y aller ou ceux qui sont payés pour le faire bêtement.

Tu m’as l’air encore plus perdu que le jour où tu as découvert les Monty Python. »

Nous, nous sommes assis dans un angle mort de la cour entre les grillages vert bouteille et un morceau de mur lézardé, il a sorti une bière tiède, il l’a décapsulé puis me l’a tendu – c’était ma première gorgée de poison – il a soulevé son béret gris sale, s’est gratté le front frénétiquement, a expiré de tout son coffre en une fois, m’a souris comme pour se donner du courage et m’a demandé de vider mon sac, calmement si possible.

Le mois d’août avait l’habitude d’arriver en mai dans la cuvette lyonnaise, une chaleur de plus en plus étouffante anesthésiait mes envies d’autodestruction.

Je lui résumais brièvement mon tourment du dimanche après-midi, la télé, Dieu, les livres, les vieillards incontinents, la culture, le spectacle et l’argent, tout en voyant défiler à vive allure les moutons réagissant instinctivement à la même sonnerie heure après heure.

Gérard m’a rétorqué que le ridicule est un mot pour les hommes de salon qui ne savent pas se salir les mains, que la dérision est la preuve vivante de leur imposture et surtout que les pauvres prennent toujours un malin plaisir à singer ceux qui les méprisent.

Et il a conclu en me disant :

« Quand il n’y a plus de gravité, il ne reste plus de malheur et encore moins de bonheur. »

What a drag it is getting old
“kids are different today,”
I hear ev’ry mother say
Mother needs something today to calm her down
And though she’s not really ill
There’s a little yellow pill
She goes running for the shelter of a mother’s little helper
And it helps her on her way, gets her through her busy day

I have always loved this song by the Rolling Stones – even before I became a mom.  The tune is catchy, Mick Jagger’s vocals rock on it, and I thought it was a funny commentary on modern mothers.   I used to joke that I would probably be popping a Xanax and drinking a glass of wine just to deal with my kids.

Then I became a mom.  And for the last eighteen months, I have been dealing with postpartum depression.  I ignored it for the first eight months.  I chalked it up to exhaustion, stress, not working out.  I didn’t want to utter the word depression, as I felt that made me a bad mom.  A bad employee.  A bad partner.  I was embarrassed that I couldn’t be strong and work through it.  I was  embarrassed that I  needed help, and that I was always on the verge of seriously losing my shit.   I felt like a failure.  In a way, still do.

I have struggled with depression for over twenty years.  Although in the early years, I was told to just get over it.  Snap out of it, weak people let their emotions bring them down.  In retrospect, not the best pieces of advice for a teen who is depressed.  Finally, after I started having panic attacks when I was 23, I approached my doctor and she called my demons out.  I was depressed.  I found the initial diagnosis hard to swallow (along with the meds she prescribed).  Depression equals crazy – at lease that is the unspoken stigma.  I didn’t feel crazy, just completely overwhelmed.  She suggested I go speak with someone.  I maybe lasted three sessions.  I felt like a whiny cry baby, and I felt vulnerable having someone know my thoughts.  I am very good at keeping my drama buried in the abyss.  I use humor to cope, I didn’t want some stranger trying to psycho-analyze my every word.

For the next ten years, I dabbled in prescribed depression meds my doctors at the time felt I should be on.  I’d be on meds for a couple of months, feel good and stop them for a year or two, and then start the vicious cycle again.  From Ambian to Zoloft – I have run through the alphabet.  Some made me too wired to sleep, some made me gain weight, but all made me even more depressed after a length of time.  I hated having to take a pill to make me happier.    I felt it should be natural, after all, I had a good life.   I numbed my pain through shopping, alcohol, and men.  I was always trying to outrun that horrible void, the emptiness that always seemed to come back and engulf me.

When I became pregnant, I felt like I had never felt before – a true happiness that stemmed from my very core.  Didn’t hurt that I had all of the amazing pregnancy hormones surging through my body – times two.  I was so happy, I know I utterly glowed every now and then.   After giving birth, I existed in a sleepless brain fog for a few weeks.  Snapping out of it, I was overwhelmed and had episodes of blueness creep in.   I attributed it to everything but postpartum.   Besides, I didn’t have the right to be depressed, I had two babies who needed me.  What kind of mother was I?  Sadder by the day, and now a working full-time mom, I struggled with keeping my emotions at bay.  I would freak out if the dishwasher wasn’t loaded right (by my extreme standards).  However, I knew I needed help when I went into the food store trying to pick an argument with anyone and everyone.  What the hell was wrong with me?  I was trying to pick a fight with a rabbi over him jumping ahead of me in the deli line.   Since the birth of my daughters, I had been avoiding the reality that I was depressed.   I finally went to speak with someone at the Postpartum Center in Bryn Mawr.  I only went to one session.  She couldn’t write a script for me for medication, and I felt I didn’t have the money or time to sit and talk with a very nice woman about my downward spiral.   Give me all the non-medicinal coping skills you have, but I need something a bit stronger than focused breathing and meditation.  I needed medication. 

I contacted my ob-gyn (I kind of feel they got me in this mess by inducing me and therefore ending my nine month high) and they prescribed Prozac.  Great.  The drug that spawned books and songs.  Well, all it did was make me too wired to sleep.  So then they wrote a script for some Ambian.  Ugh.  My night stand looked like a pharmacy.  It seemed to help a bit though.  I wasn’t picking fights with anyone except my fiance, so the general public was temporarily spared.   But the insomnia and anxiety that the Prozac caused started to take a toll on me.  So I stopped it.  Within a week, I was a woman on the ledge.  I couldn’t deal with seemingly anything.  I struggled to get out of bed every morning, to shower, to have enthusiasm to do my job.  The only highlight of my day was the short time spent with my girls.  Even that started to feel like too much.

After a long weekend with my fiance gone most of it, I got close to rock bottom.  I had to go out on a Sunday night to get diapers from Target.  As I was driving and hating the world, I saw a sign for the turnpike.  For a minute I seriously contemplated how much money I had in my bank account and where could I go to escape for a day.   Guilt got the best of me (my babies really did need diapers) and I proceeded on to Target.  

I was really bothered by that episode.  Surely it was crazy thinking to want to run away from it all.  I finally confessed to a friend who has a daughter six months younger than my girls.  She said she felt the same way, and that she was taking meds for depression.  I was happy to know one of my best friends was as crazy as me.  The next day I went to a play date, and all five of the moms there were on depression meds.  I was the lone idiot struggling on my own.  As I become friends with more moms, I am always surprised at how many are on antidepressants.  I suddenly don’t feel so alone, so crazy, and so overwhelmed.  To a degree, we’re all in the same boat.   Whether or not a pill is needed, we’re struggling to be the best we can be, with so many hats to wear.

I finally made an appointment to see a doctor and I am going next week.  Hopefully he’ll have a magic pill that takes away my headaches, my anxiety, and my insomnia.  If it is makes me thin and blond, that would be even better.

This has been my most difficult blog posting to write, since it is about something I am ashamed of.   I debated writing about the way I was feeling for months.  Even though depression seems to be a common affliction, no one talks about it.   I hesitate to publish it, because then my Achille’s heel is out there for the world to judge me on.  However, I do know I am not alone, and that this doesn’t make me a bad person.  I am a good mom who occasionally swears too much.  I am a good friend who is loyal and compassionate.  I am a faithful partner and dedicated employee.  I know my strengths and am finally beginning to accept my weaknesses.  I look forward to the day when I feel like my old self, and I know it’s right around the corner.

Doctor please, some more of these
Outside the door, she took four more
What a drag it is getting old

This article in CNN news talks about other things, but it is of interest that Rush promotes that drug treatment helped him to learn more about himself than he would have otherwise.

Reducing the stigma of Oxycontin abuse, a bit by his otherwise conservative life and views he has opened the door for other drug abusers to approach drug treatment as a matter of fact learning experience.

No matter the drug – heroin, methamphetamine, Xanax or proponol the world is learning that it is not just the abusers that have a lot to learn.

Narconon drug rehab 877-413-3073

“Limbaugh also said grateful for the prescription drug addiction that forced him into treatment six years ago.

“I actually thank God for my addiction,” he said. “I learned more about myself in rehab than I would have ever learned otherwise.”‘

http://politicalticker.blogs.cnn.com/2009/10/12/limbaugh-the-media-didnt-make-me-and-they-cant-break-me/