We are lacking decorations and some more lights, but here is my 50’s tinsel tree that may resemble a Charlie Brown tree but I love it.

Thanks to the Muppets, Boney M and the Pogues for keeping my musical company. And I really gotta light more than one side of the tree… whoops! I swear it looks better in person.

Dear Ellen,

It’s December 1st.  I can’t believe how quickly November zipped by.  Blink, and you may have missed it.  If each of the next 10 months similarly flash before my eyes then I’ll be on my way to Burbank in no time…one could only hope.

While the rest of the consumer world marks the day after Thanksgiving as the official start of the holiday season, I argue that we should wait until, at least, we welcome this final month of the year with a turn of the calendar page.  What’s the hurry?  Is it that we can’t wait to spend extravagant sums on material possesions for other people that we secretly want for ourselves?  Or the pressure of finding the perfect gift?  Or the eager await of that one local radio station that plays Christmas music around the clock until 12 am on December 26th?  Ask no further…I’ll end the suspense…

It’s the zealous rush to send out those annual “look at how beautiful and well-dressed my family is” holiday cards with the occasional, interspersed “let me tell you how my older, prosperous child,  his younger, lackadaisical sister, and the rest of my eccentric family have spent the past year” letter.

Me:  guilty.  At least of the photo card.  I’m undecided about drafting a letter; I’d hate to come across as “bragging” about how great 2009 has been for me.  Besides, I think our recently captured holiday photo speaks for itself; Sara and I- looking as happy as ever- cozy in front of the fireplace, orange flames dancing behind us.  And, of course, our smiling dog, Boo, stealing the scene with his enchanting blue eyes.  All that’s missing is a sign that says “We are happier than you.  Merry Christmas!”

Sincerely,

Katie

Today’s reason #55: Let’s swap- a holiday card from me to you for Ellen tickets from you to me.

Submitted by: dunno source via Submit a Kludge!

Favorite Comment: Fixer Owashii says, “I know a tree who’s name is Zack, and he’s a lego-maniac!”

Oh Owashii, you bring back such nostalgia.

Dear Ellen,

The Christmas tree is decorated and the stockings are hung.  It’s amazing how these two living room additions create insta-holiday spirit.  I think I’ll go pour myself a glass of soy nog- the grocery store really should carry this year round- into which I’ll dunk a few gingersnaps…

The choosing of the Christmas tree was very straightforward this year; get to Home Depot before it closes on Sunday night and pick out the first 5 or 6 foot tree with sturdy needles and that doesn’t have some obvious deformity.  No muss, no fuss.  This was not the case during my childhood…

Every Thanksgiving, we’d make the nearly 6 hour drive to my grandparents house in Quincy, a tiny mountain town in the Sierra Nevadas.  On Friday, when all the remained of the bird was a carcass and of the apple pi, crumbs, my Dad and his brothers would take their $10 forestry permit and drive deep into the woods in search of the perfect tree.  It never failed to snow, they never failed to be gone for hours, and my grandmother never failed to worry from the minute they walked out the door.  More than once, the truck that “would never get stuck in the snow because it has 4-wheel drive” got stuck in the snow, far from civilization.  Usually, myself, my aunts, and a few cousins would set out on the tree hunt until the point when the men, in typical male fashion, pressed on higher and higher up the mountain where roads where unpaved, unplowed, and knee-deep in the white stuff.  In typical female fashion, we knew better.  Somehow, my Dad and uncles always managed to avoid avalanches, become the target of a “lost hikers” rescue mission, or lose digits to frostbite.  And, they never failed to bring back the perfect Silver Tip- the Cadillac of west coast Christmas trees.

My Dad has since become a preaching environmentalist- the kind whom, at every opportunity, feels the need to talk to boast about how many miles to the gallon his Prius gets.  He now finds his perfect tree at a tree farm- better for the environment and better for his life expectancy.

Ellen- was it last year that your audience was treated to a video of you and Portia picking out your Christmas tree?  I was laughing hysterically.  I’m gonna assume that you weren’t putting on a show for the camera; that a similar scene is played out every year during this annual outing.  It seems that most people have fond- or at least unique- memories of shopping for their tree each December, whether it be risking their lives in the snowy wilderness or playing hide-and-seek amongst the 8-footers at the local tree farm.  It’s really too bad that you and Portia have decided not to have children of your own to create this memory for them; maybe you should borrow someone else’s kids for the day and in twenty years they’ll be writing about that year when “Ellen DeGeneres chased me around Mr. Greentrees in West Hollywood and I laughed so hard I peed my pants”…

Sincerely,

Katie

Today’s reason #53: All I want under my tree is two Ellen show tickets wrapped in a big, red bow.

The season of Advent has been around for a long time, but it has not always been the same. Share your family’s Christmas Eve/Christmas Day traditions at MyChristmasStocking.net. Find the Call Me button and enter your phone number. My voicemail will call you for free; and you can mark your number private so it won’t be revealed. Follow us on Twitter.com/XmasStocking.  Email: TopElf at MyChristmasStocking.NET.   And join us on Facebook.

Featured music:

“People Look East” by Al Petteway & Amy White from “Winter Tidings: An Appalachian Christmas” (Maggie’s Music)
Buy at Amazon MP3
More On This Album

Background music:

“Infant Holy, Infant Lowly” by The London Fox Players from “A Peaceful Christmas” (Classic Fox Records)
More On This Album

“Pannonian Christmas” by Mike Collins from “Desert Anthem” (Talus Music)
Buy at Amazon MP3
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More information:

Wikipedia has a nice overview of Advent.

CRI/Voice, Institute, an ecumenical ministry has its own perspective of Advent.

Advent from a Catholic perspective in the online Catholic Encyclopedia.

Do you remember in the movie, A Charlie Brown Christmas, when Charlie Brown picks up the only real Christmas tree, the a scraggly one, at the tree market store. He chose this tree rather than the big shiny aluminum tree requested by Lucy for the play. When he returns with his tree, the Peanuts gang chastises him for buying the pathetic tree. At the end of the movie, the Peanuts gang fixes up the tree and Lucy exclaims, “Charlie Brown is a blockhead, but he did get a nice tree.”  What can we learn from Charlie Brown, a renaissance environmentalist.  Forgo the fake shiny tree this year. Purchases of artificial trees have increased from 7.3 million in 2001 to 18.4 million in 2008 compared to a slight increase in the purchase of real trees. These days everyone is being asked to reduce their own carbon footprint.  Why should we stop at the holiday season. Buying a living tree, preferably plantable, is the obvious choice during the holiday. If Charlie Brown was an adult today, he would have the following reasons why it is important to buy a real Christmas Tree. Reduce your Carbon footprint – According to data collected by the US Department of Commerce for years 2005 and 2008, 85 percent of all fake trees come from China Just think of the fake tree’s carbon footprint from the manufacturing and shipment of the tree from China to your local store.  The footprint is equivalent to at least Shaquille O’Neal’s size 22 EEE shoes. Trees Help the Environment – According to the Maryland Department of Natural Resources Forest Service, “Trees help to settle out, trap and hold particle pollutants (dust, ash, pollen and smoke) that can damage human lungs. “Absorb CO2 and other dangerous gasses and, in turn, replenish the atmosphere with oxygen. Produce enough oxygen on each acre for 18 people every day. Absorb enough CO2 on each acre, over a year’s time, to equal the amount you produce when you drive your car 26,000 miles. Trees remove gaseous pollutants by absorbing them through the pores in the leaf surface. Particulates are trapped and filtered by leaves, stems and twigs, and washed to the ground by rainfall.” In addition, Christmas Trees are a haven for wildlife, stabilize soil and protect water supplies, and they often grow in soil that does not support other crops.How toxic is your Fake Tree – Fake plastic trees are mostly made out of PVC or aluminum. According to the Center for Healthy, Environmental & Justice, PVC is one of the most hazardous consumer products created.  CHEJ states, “Our bodies are contaminated with poisonous chemicals released during the PVC lifecycle, such as mercury, dioxins, and phthalates, which may pose irreversible life-long health threats.  When produced or burned, PVC plastic releases dioxins, a group of the most potent synthetic chemicals ever tested, which can cause cancer and harm the immune and reproductive systems” PVC is not the only chemical you need to worry about. According to a 2007 Kansas City’s KMBC-TV report, Richard Mass, the director of the Environmental Studies program at the University of North Carolina-Ashville discovered lead in a ¼ of the artificial trees he tested. It raised a red flag since studies have shown that lead causes permanent brain damage especially in infants and young children. In the article, he urged people to test their artificial trees for lead. However, fake trees continued to be made with lead.  Just last year, CNN also reported on the dangers of lead in fake trees and wreaths. Think Life Cycle – If you buy a plastic or aluminum tree, think about the materials used to make the tree.  Plastic is a petroleum based product which is a resource that is not infinite.  The manufacturing of aluminum from raw materials uses a lot of energy.  On the other hand, a Christmas tree is a renewable crop.  According to the Texas Grower’s Association, for each one harvested, two or three saplings take its place. What about when it is time to say good-bye to your fake tree.  Unless you live in a progressive area that recycles PVC or aluminum, then your tree will end up in a landfill.  As for a Christmas tree, it can be shredded into mulch.  In addition, the trees are used to create erosion barriers for beaches and shorelines, feeding areas for fish ponds, and bird feeders. Consider Buying a Living Tree – It seems that the key to success is not keeping it in the house too long and keeping the roots moist. Beautiful Table Christmas Tree Live Two Foot Spruce Decorated Gift. Available Now Aruntx Store in New York  and online http://aruntx.com/

News Courtesy A-1 Plumbing News http://a1ly.com/news/

Why not have a smashing Christmas this year with pressing pennies? Pressed pennies or elongated coins or elongated pennies are pennies that are smashed or pressed between rollers with custom designs. The designs will be imprinted on the coins while they are flattened. These pressed pennies can be decorated on your Christmas tree this year! Just punch holes at the top, attach them with strings and hang them on your Christmas tree! Like this :

Also, thinking of a smashing great gift for your friends and love ones? Something unique and different? Something that is one and only in the world? Customised your pressed pennies into fashion accessories or costume! Something like the pressed penny bra?

Maybe you would like to do something less revealing and stylist. I can recommend you to do the stylist pressed penny necklace.

Want to see more crafts you can do, like earrings, bracelets, even pressed penny toilet seat covers?

More Pressed Penny Crafts.

!!!
Christmas Tree Ornament

Have you heard anything new about the mysterious Kuno Prey?

Hi, guys! Well, it’s time to start sharing ideas. Your first challenge is explaining the world why our blog is called Xmas Tree. Let’s get going!

these photos were taken today by me in my neighbourhood
I’ve never, NEVER seen this many trees in one bunch before…

Now everything is put in place there.

Unfortunately it’s already losing a lot of needles. I hope it will survive Christmas and some more weeks afterwards…

We’re a little late…  and we’ve got no ornaments…  and I’ve not had a chance to bake (egg-free) gingerbread men or stars to hang on it yet…

But I think it looks pretty fab nonetheless!

After six weeks of feeling like we’re surrounded by boxes and only just moved in last week, it has instantly made the house feel warm and cosy.  There’s nothing like a Christmas tree!

I’ve debated back and forth this year about getting a tree.  Last year, my first Xmas in the house, I got a large tree and decorated it with Susan’s help and a lot of her ornaments.  (Yes, she has so many she can decorate her tree and mine!)  The first night Otto jumped into it pulling the whole tree down.  Now, I know better than to have fragile, expensive, breakable ornaments on my tree, so I lost only a few balls, but the tree was near impossible to upright and the stand full of water was a pain to clean.   And this year I won’t be in my house for Xmas, but I am doing a little entertaining, so I decided to try a different kind of tree this year:

It’s not as cozy as a real tree, but it’s still festive.

I’ve never really been much for holiday baking.  There are so many great bakers in my family, cookies just always showed up.  Since I’ve moved back to Pittsburgh I’ve been included in the traditional baking of my grandmother’s cookies and nut rolls.  These cookies are so labor intensive and my grandmother made them every year, on her own, in her tiny kitchen.  We work together on these cookies, blood relatives only, and marvel at my grandmothers ability to do these on her own.  (Well, there’s been an infiltrator in recent years, but we welcome the help.)

Susan came up with the idea of having a Cookie Exchange party this year.  I knew immediately that I wanted to make Aunt Mary’s Spice Cookies.  This recipe is ridiculously large, measurements in pounds and half pounds vs. cups.  They are cookies that remind me of past Christmases and they make a good amount.  There were so many of us at last night’s Cookie Exchange party that I had to put both leaves into my already large dining room table to accommodate all the baked goodies!

We all had a chance to say a little about the cookies that we brought and then passed them around so each person could take their share.  We passed copies of the recipes around, so now we each have 12 new cookie recipes in our collection.

Of course, all of us being knitters, there had to be yarn!  We did a yarn grab bag game with destash yarn and everyone walked away with some fresh new additions to their stash.  I can’t believe 13 people fit into my tiny, little living room.

This has been a really fun way to celebrate the season!

Got our cow and our lamb last week but what a journey home from the ranch! Veronica and I have a love-hate relationship. Robert loves her all-out but she and I don’t really get along. It’s simpler with a non-chatty map. I find it hard to follow her routes, not to mention the times when she decides to be adventurous. We picked up our lamb from the ranch. Tim was coming to the house the next day with our quarter cow. We had already stopped at a Christmas Tree farm to get a tree, a U-Cut Farm.

I was dressed ready for cold crisp weather, possibly a little snow (this was last week).  It didin’t snow. It rained. Hard. In torrents. When we pulled up at the tree farm, we found the owners sheltering from the downpour under a large marquee with an outdoor heater and hot cider.  They greeted us gaily and informed us they had “Ten acres of trees for you to choose from!”  Ten acres? In the pouring rain? “We also have Nobles, ” they said, “Pre-cut, over there. They have  to be  pre-cut because they’re from Forest Service land.” (Or something to that effect—to be honest I was tracking more on “pre-cut” and “over there”).  One quick look between Robert and me and we agreed that a precut noble was exactly what we wanted. For appearance sake we took a quick slosh up and down the few rows of nobles, before finding the perfect tree in record time. We paid, the nice folks threw in some free mistletoe, and it was time for the careful and time-consuming attaching of the tree to the roof rack. We cast envying looks at other people with pick up trucks, tossing their tree in the back and driving off. A brief consultation was all it took to agree that our tree would easily go inside the Subaru over the folded down seats and with only a little greenery adorning our heads as we drove along. Total time: 20 seconds. Then we’re inside the nice dry car.

And so then off to the ranch. I had detailed written directions on how to find the ranch but had of course forgotten to bring them. Luckily I had followed along on Google maps when Tim was giving me the instructions so I had a good mental picture of the route. Veronica helped a bit.

After  collecting the lamb, time to go home. Instead of going back the way we’d come, Robert and Veronica wanted to go through the pretty valley which was surely a more direct route. The road wound up and down and round and round. The only vehicle we met was a broken down heating oil contractor with a large tow truck, fortunately at a part of the road with a large pullover so we could squeeze by. Most of the road was deserted; we saw one farmhouse. The road (we are talking dirt road, btw, the whole time) was single lane with pull-offs to allow oncoming traffic by. But as I said, we saw no one. Beautiful scenery it’s true, as Robert kept remarking, as we drove on and on, apparently getting no farther. We climbed up, came down to the valley floor, climbed up again, down again.

And then Veronica said “turn left”. The only available left turn was at hairpin angle that required us to do a three-point turn to get the car around; it was exceedingly narrow; it went straight up; it had a sign posted “Caution: Not recommended for vehicular traffic”.  Oh joy. We set Veronica into her “Recalculating” mode by ignoring this instruction and continuing in the same direction we’d been going. Now we had no idea where we were or how long before we got out of the valley. It began to get dark and still we were descending and ascending. We came across snow at the sides of the road as we climbed  particularly high on one switchback. Finally, finally, with even Robert losing a little of his sangfroid, we came to a T-junction of well-used logging roads. Several hours later we emerged back into civilization on the outskirts of Talent, a mere three miles from home, and all on paved road!  Thanks, Veronica, but next time we’ll take the long road home.

I’ve been rushed off my feet so apologies for lack of posts this past week! (that rhymes!)

My anonymity essay has to be handed in today and Public Admin work tomorrow so fashion news had to be put on hold. But no more. It’s Christmas time, lets indulge ourselves in fashion.

HEADLINE NEWS

- 50% off Office shoes- so get down there!

 - ASOS and Miss Selfridge are doing the most incredible online sales, you need to see them. FREE delivery!

UPDATE

The House of Commons reporting day was amazing. Absolutely loved it. Took an amazing photo within the grounds of Big Ben, the Millennium Wheel and their Xmas tree. Will upload it asap.

Found an ITV crew doing live reporting from there and chatted to the crew. Really lovely. Correspondant- very smartly dressed, however, his make up was far too thick.

Perhaps should reconsider the white trenchcoat next time. Was unecessarily cold at times. Shivering in lobby, goose pumps in conference room, you get the idea.

PARTY

Was my best friend’s (of Barry M Fame-she met him actually!) birthday party on Saturday. Had a good time. Dressed in purple concession dress from Topshop. Very vintage and ‘romantic’. I loved it. Early Christmas present from my mum in fact. Wore yummy purple suede shoes. But i’ll tell you all about them in my next post…Bet you can’t wait.

♥31♥

31Lovin These Scarves

Crowded

No Wonder The NHS Is Knackered

Mapping out the strain on your NHS: 243 sick babies treated in one London hospital ward…. and just 18 mothers come from Britain

Countless red dots scattered across the world map on the wall of a NHS hospital reveal the story of the changing face of Britain. Each dot denotes the background of a mother with a baby in the neonatal ward of London’s Chelsea and Westminster hospital. The map was put up by hospital administrators to ‘celebrate the ethnic diversity’ of the sick children treated there, each at a cost of £1,400 a day. It shows dramatically how the NHS now treats patients from every corner of the globe. The 243 mothers are from 72 different nations. They include Mongolia, the remotest regions of Russia, Japan, Africa, South America, swathes of Asia, Australasia and even Papua New Guinea. Only 18 mothers said they were from Britain. The women were invited to put a dot on the map to ‘represent’ their home country. One, a London-born mother of a baby treated there earlier this summer, sent the Mail a photograph of the result.She said: ‘Almost every cot and incubator at this wonderful unit was occupied by a baby with a foreign mother. Interpreters were on hand to make sure the mothers understood the doctors.’Babies’ lives are being saved and that is a good thing. Yet this seemed like a free-for-all.’

It is impossible to say how long each of the mothers has been in this country. But the fact is only a fraction of them declared themselves as having a British background.In theory, only a woman who has lived here legally for a year or has a student visa lasting more than six months is entitled to free NHS care when giving birth.

Yet few hospitals are prepared to turn away a pregnant patient in the late stages of labour. Indeed, the Government recently issued an instruction telling them to admit such women without question. Health Minister Ann Keen pronounced in July: ‘We remain firmly committed to the requirement that immediately necessary or urgent treatment should never be denied or delayed from those that require it.’ Many nurses and doctors on the NHS frontline believe her words were dangerously naive, even an explicit invitation to heavily pregnant women to fly to Britain to have babies. Some have arrived at Chelsea and Westminster – and other London hospitals – straight from the airport with the ticket tags still on their suitcases. Mothers-to-be target this country as ‘health tourists’ for a variety of reasons. Some do so because they face a difficult birth and want expert care unavailable in their home countries. Others have been told by doctors abroad that their baby will be born with a profound illness, needing a lifetime of treatment and medicines. They know the NHS will provide this with few questions asked even if the bill reaches millions of pounds. Chelsea and Westminster said the hospital cared for patients from many different backgrounds, reflecting London’s population. The map was intended to illustrate the diversity of the families of babies on the ward The Chelsea and Westminster Hospital’s neonatal ward treats 500 newborns each year from London and the south east. Many of the babies have been born prematurely or have inherited illnesses. They include those with ailments such as sickle cell anaemia (which is prevalent in African and Mediterranean communities, while almost unknown among those of northern European heritage), the HIV virus passed on from the mother, as well as deafness, blindness and devastating neurological problems common among ethnic communities in which marriages between cousins are the norm. Today nearly 25 percent of babies in Britain have mothers who were born abroad. In London the figure is 50 percent. The boroughs of Newham and Brent have the highest percentage, 75 percent and 73 percent respectively. Even in Chelsea (an area less associated with immigration) the figure is 67 percent, according to a recent Government report. Britain’s population is expected to grow from 61 million to 74 million over the next 20 years, the Office for National Statistics said last week. The estimate is based on both the continuing high birthrate of migrant mothers and levels of immigration as well as the longer life expectancy of the entire population. Meanwhile, at least three million foreigners have settled here legally since 1997 – a rate of 700 a day. Nearly a million more are living here illegally, the Home Office has admitted. Bliss, a campaigning charity supporting families with premature and sick babies, recently said that the NHS needs 2,700 more neonatal nurses to cope with growing numbers of baby births. They now total 791,000 a year, up 33,000 from 2007. Back at the Chelsea and Westminster Hospital, the colourful world baby map, proudly displayed on the wall for three months, was recently removed during construction work. Last night, a spokesperson for Chelsea and Westminster said that the hospital cared for patients from many different backgrounds, reflecting London’s population. The map was intended to illustrate the diversity of the families of babies on the ward.Chelsea and Westminster Hospital is a specialist referral centre and cares for patients of many different backgrounds, reflecting London’s very diverse population.
The hospital also issued the following statement: ‘  ‘Of the 550 babies admitted to our Neonatal Intensive Care Unit (NICU) every year, a very small number of these are overseas patients. In 2009, there have been just two overseas admissions. ‘The map was placed in the NICU nearly four years ago to provide the families of the babies we care for, as well as staff, with an opportunity to indicate their background if they wished. It is not an indication of country of residence or citizenship. ‘It was intended to illustrate the diversity of staff working on the unit and the families of the babies we care for, to encourage everyone to reflect on different cultures, in a fun and informal way.’Chelsea and Westminster Hospital’s NICU provides intensive care, high dependency and special care facilities for babies and is a specialist referral centre for neonatal surgery.’

Extremely Talented…But Mad As ABag Of Badgers

Just moments after finishing a note-perfect performance on live American television, Susan Boyle was seen on television breaking down in tears. The 48-year-old had been enjoying lunch with fans at the Rock Centre cafe in New York’s Rockefeller Centre. But she appeared increasingly withdrawn and started to tremble and suck her thumb. Then, visibly overcome with emotion, she bowed her head and began to sob.

H & S can sometimes go too far….and make itself look a total arse.….My Opinion…It looks crap !!!!

Health and safety forces council to swap traditional Christmas tree for £14,000 ‘traffic cone’

Health and safety-approved fake Christmas tree after being told a real one was a danger to the public.The traditional Norway fir tree, that costs about £500, has been axed this Christmas in Poole in Dorset amid fears it would fall over in high winds.So officials have defied the recession and forked out for the artificial 33ft tall tree that is shaped like a traffic cone and has no branches or decorations.

The tree is the brainchild of Poole’s Town Centre Management Board, an organisation made up of businesses and the local council. They say it costs them thousands of pounds a year in erecting and making safe a real Christmas tree and so decided to come up with a cheaper option. Although a 30ft real tree is about £500, it costs another £3,500 for specialists to decorate, light and install it using a cherry-picker. Susie Squire, of the Taxpayers’ Alliance, said: ‘You are still talking about a difference of £10,000. ‘I don’t think the people of Poole will feel very festive when they think that £10,000 could have been spent on tax cuts or public services.’ Richard Randall-Jones, the town centre manager, defended the new tree. He said: ‘People think you can just go into the woods, chop down a tree and put it up in the high street. But if it blows over and kills someone then somebody is liable for it. ‘We are a coastal town and so we have strict health and safety guidelines around making the Christmas tree safe due to the high winds we suffer. ‘We have to have guy ropes and hoardings to stop it from falling over and hitting somebody. ‘Last year the board said they and the public didn’t like all the ropes and hoardings around the Christmas tree, they looked ugly. ‘So I was tasked with finding a solution and we came up with the cone tree. ‘Children can walk right up to it and touch it and have their picture taken next to it. It looks really pretty with the lights on at night. ‘I challenge anyone who can find a better tree in the area.’ The cone tree is weighed down with two tons of ballast to prevent it from toppling over and it has speakers hidden inside that plays Christmas carols.

And Sting Looks Sh*t



Scottish Fruitcake Recipe

You’ll need the following:
1 cup of water
1 cup of sugar
4 large brown eggs
2 cups of dried fruit
1 teaspoon of salt
1 cup of brown sugar
Lemon juice
1 cup of nuts
1 bottle of whiskey.

• Sample the whiskey to check for quality.
• Take a large bowl. Check the whiskey again. To be sure it’s the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink. Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar and beat again.
• Make sure the whiskey is still okay. Cry another tup. Turn off the mixer. Beat two leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Mix on the tuner. If the fired druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it loose with a drewscriver.
• Sample the whiskey to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something. Who cares?
• Check the whiskey. Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar or something. Whatever you can find.
• Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees. Don’t forget to beat off the turner. Throw the bowl out of the window.
• Check the whiskey again and go to bed. Who the hell likes fruitcake anyway??

We’re not even into Dec and already Elf & Safety have been called to investigate an accident in a German shopping centre in which an elderly woman was injured by an Xmas Tree.

The 78 yr old lady is in a ‘critical’ condition in hospital, with head and chest injuries after the 100kg tree toppled on top of her

Source . . .