First video from this series.

Bangkok
19.12.2009
x2000%

Cengiz Yar Jr.

music from Lorn

View This Photo Large

View This Photo Large

~

1den1e community as 1den1e, 16 ekim, 1974, 1995, 2008, 2009, 3G, amerika turnesi, alicia, advertising, ad, abdullah gül, ABD, animasyon, Avrupa, avrupa birliği, aşkı memnu, “barack, barackbush, behlül, beyoğlu, beşir, bihter, bilgi, bilim, bobiler, Bush, cannes film festivali, CNBC, damgasını vuran şarkı, diyalog, dizi, domuz, Dünya Gıda Günü, edward maya, eklenti, en iyi, Ermeni, ev manzaraları, facebook, fal, film, foto, fotoğraf, george, gıda, gıda mühendisleri odası, gif, gizli kamera, GMO, gossip girl, GPS, gribi, grip, grup indirimi, günün lafı, haber, hakan utku, hocalı katliamı, Honda Accord, ilginç, Isa, Istanbul, jackson, kapitalizm, kareler, karikatür, Kevin Costner, kısa film, kombi, Komik, Konser, kumru, Kuş, köşe yazısı-makale, meclis konuşması, meslek etiği, micael, mizah, Mona Lisa, müzik, Nezle, Nihal, nostradamus, Obama,

~

objektifimden, pahalı, painted on water, polemik haber, politika siyaset, Reklam, resim, Sabri Sarıoğlu, sağlık, Sertab Erener, sinema, son yemek, soykırım, stereolove, taksim, tarih, TEKNOLOJI, TMMOB, tribute, tsubasa, turne, twitter, twitter seçmesi, türk, türkiye, video, yaz, yazı, yağmur, yaşam, Yenilenebilir Enerji, yılmaz özdil, zombi, ödülü, öğrenci, üniversite, şamil tayyar, blogastesi, siyaset, parti, partiler, MHP, CHP, AKP, DTP, dp, Demokrasi, Cumhuriyet, milliyetçi, laik, Atatürk, Kemalizm, kemalist, müslüman, dindar, gençlik, Türkçe, Politika, iç, dış, global, küresel, olaylar, politics, ekonomi, spor, kültür, sanat, fikir, özgün, Yorum, özgür, Yazılar, makale, Makaleler, deneme, Edebiyat, şiir, köşe, Dünya, orta, doğu, batı, kuzey, güney, Amerika, ab, birliği, sex, Sanal, gay, lezbiyen, teen, mature, fetish, fuck, nude, Anal, 2000, 2001, 2002, 2003, 2004, 2005, 2006, 2007, 2010, 80, 9.0, 80s, 90s, 80ler, 90lar, pop, Rock, metal, Türkü, Music, mp3, clip, ARA, Search, mpg, MPEG, swf, theme, blogger, wordpress, şablon, Destek, Yardım, sss, faq, sık sorulan sorular, hakkında, için, ile, v&e, veya, info, information, blog, internet, .net, web, 2.0, kod, kodları, sohbet, chat, sesli, voice, görüntülü, phone, telephone, number, numbers, Cep Telefonu, telekom, Communication, AVEA, Turkcell, vadafone, Kamera, camera, Cam, free, bedava, Ücretsiz, TV, oyun, Game, Diziler, filmler, izle, seyret, canlı, Live, _watch, izlesene, cnbc e, TNT, GaLaTaSaRaY, gs, cimbom, aslan, tepe, UltrAslan, fenerbahçe, f & b, Genç, Beşiktaş, BJK, İnönü, çarşı, Ankara, izmir, antalya, Bursa, adana, samsun, Konya,

~

kayseri, erzurum, trabzon, Trabzonspor, TS, futbol, maç, football, match, lig, süper, Süper Lig, league, translate, translation, English, french, german, russian, viagra, İktidarsızlık, cinsel, sorunlar, ereksiyon, hap, hapı, Rüya, düş, tabirleri, tabir, açıklamaları, açıklaması, nedir, nedemek, ne anlama geliyor, ne anlama gelir, msn, HI5, Yonja, friend, find, finder, myspace, dailymotion, Tape, Rape, iphone, ipod, mp3 player, Laptop, Notebook, PC, Computer, asker, Askerlik, askeriye, gitmek, yedek subay, ER, erbaş, rütbeler, aday, sınav, yedek subay sınavı, malzeme, malzemeler, malzeme listesi, askere giderken alınacaklar, liste, blog gazetesi, blog gastesi, fikir sayfası stanPLAZ as 1den1e, 16 ekim, 1974, 1995, 2008, 2009, 3G, amerika turnesi, alicia, advertising, ad, abdullah gül, ABD, animasyon, Avrupa, avrupa birliği, aşkı memnu, “barack, barackbush, behlül, beyoğlu, beşir, bihter, bilgi, bilim, bobiler, Bush, cannes film festivali, CNBC, damgasını vuran şarkı, diyalog, dizi, domuz, Dünya Gıda Günü, edward maya, eklenti, en iyi, Ermeni, ev manzaraları, facebook, fal, film, foto, fotoğraf, george, gıda, gıda mühendisleri odası, gif, gizli kamera, GMO, gossip girl, GPS, gribi, grip, grup indirimi, günün lafı, haber, hakan utku, hocalı katliamı, Honda Accord, ilginç, Isa, Istanbul, jackson, kapitalizm, kareler, karikatür, Kevin Costner, kısa film, kombi, Komik, Konser, kumru, Kuş, köşe yazısı-makale, meclis konuşması, meslek etiği, micael,

~

mizah, Mona Lisa, müzik, Nezle, Nihal, nostradamus, Obama, objektifimden, pahalı, painted on water, polemik haber, politika siyaset, Reklam, resim, Sabri Sarıoğlu, sağlık, Sertab Erener, sinema, son yemek, soykırım, stereolove, taksim, tarih, TEKNOLOJI, TMMOB, tribute, tsubasa, turne, twitter, twitter seçmesi, türk, türkiye, video, yaz, yazı, yağmur, yaşam, Yenilenebilir Enerji, yılmaz özdil, zombi, ödülü, öğrenci, üniversite, şamil tayyar, blogastesi, siyaset, parti, partiler, MHP, CHP, AKP, DTP, dp, Demokrasi, Cumhuriyet, milliyetçi, laik, Atatürk, Kemalizm, kemalist, müslüman, dindar, gençlik, Türkçe, Politika, iç, dış, global, küresel, olaylar, politics, ekonomi, spor, kültür, sanat, fikir, özgün, Yorum, özgür, Yazılar, makale, Makaleler, deneme, Edebiyat, şiir, köşe, Dünya, orta, doğu, batı, kuzey, güney, Amerika, ab, birliği, sex, Sanal, gay, lezbiyen, teen, mature, fetish, fuck, nude, Anal, 2000, 2001, 2002, 2003, 2004, 2005, 2006, 2007, 2010, 80, 9.0, 80s, 90s, 80ler, 90lar, pop, Rock, metal, Türkü, Music, mp3, clip, ARA, Search, mpg, MPEG, swf, theme, blogger, wordpress, şablon, Destek, Yardım, sss, faq, sık sorulan sorular, hakkında, için, ile, v&e, veya, info, information, blog, internet, .net, web, 2.0, kod, kodları, sohbet, chat, sesli, voice, görüntülü, phone, telephone, number, numbers, Cep

~Telefonu, telekom, Communication, AVEA, Turkcell, vadafone, Kamera, camera, Cam, free, bedava, Ücretsiz, TV, oyun, Game, Diziler, filmler, izle, seyret, canlı, Live, _watch, izlesene, cnbc e, TNT, GaLaTaSaRaY, gs, cimbom, aslan, tepe, UltrAslan, fenerbahçe, f & b, Genç, Beşiktaş, BJK, İnönü, çarşı, Ankara, izmir, antalya, Bursa, adana, samsun, Konya, kayseri, erzurum, trabzon, Trabzonspor, TS, futbol, maç, football, match, lig, süper, Süper Lig, league, translate, translation, English, french, german, russian, viagra, İktidarsızlık, cinsel, sorunlar, ereksiyon, hap, hapı, Rüya, düş, tabirleri, tabir, açıklamaları,

yarsesli,gultanemsesli,seslisosyete,seslifull,seslisehir,mankensohbet,

miksizde,harbisesli,cafenostalji,cafenostalji.com,cafenostalji,cafenostalji KAPANDI seslisehir seslisehir.com,seslisehir,seslisehir.net KAPANDI,turkcafem,turkcafem.com,turkcafem.net,KAPANDI,haydisesli.

haydisesli,haydisesli,haydisesli.com,haydisesli,haydisesli.KAPANDI

seslikomedi,seslikomedi.net,seslikomedi.comKAPANDI sesliosi,

sesliosi,sesliossi,.com,sesliosi,sesliosi.net,seslimerkez,merkezsesli,

BU SİTELER KAPANAN SİTELER YENIADRES YARSESLİ.COM

~

açıklaması, nedir, nedemek, ne anlama geliyor, ne anlama gelir, msn, HI5, Yonja, friend, find, finder, myspace, dailymotion, Tape, Rape, iphone, ipod, mp3 player, Laptop, Notebook, PC, Computer, asker, Askerlik, askeriye, gitmek, yedek subay, ER, erbaş, rütbeler, aday, sınav, yedek subay sınavı, malzeme, malzemeler, malzeme listesi, askere giderken alınacaklar, liste, blog gazetesi, blog gastesi, fikir sayfası 28 days ago MyBlogLog Action,SESLİSOSYETE,seslisosyete KAPANDI

KAPANAN SESLİCHAT SİTELERİ VE YENİ ADRESLERİ

seslisosyete,sesliosi,turkcafem,seslifull seslidunya1,seslisehir,mankensohbet,haydisesli,erzurumsesli eseslisohbet,BUSİTELER,KAPANDI,YENİADRES,YARSESLİ.COM~

Thank you for your trust, colleagues, electing me to the 2010-2111 board of directors. YCAR is an organization comprised of over 300 Realtors and affiliate members throughout the county.  I will serve with dedication.

Does that CIA Sculpture, Kryptos, employ a Fibonacci Cipher?  Vorlath, a.k.a. “Krazy Kryptos,” has been spinning his Kryptos wheels for some time now.  He proposes at his blog that the misspellings in Kryptos are a clue to be used in conjunction with the misaligned letters of K3.  The position of those misspellings form a Fibonacci Sequence as observed by other sleuths years ago.

What Vorlath suggests is that endYAhR (capital letters depicted here are actually raised letters in the sculpture) is a reversed Fibonacci sequence.  Matter-of-factly, he is correct, and I think the correlation between this and the misspellings is noteworthy if nothing more than one of the hundred thousand insignificant coincidences we could fine in the sculpture.  However, there are other anomalies that suggest “a reverse” of something.  We have the backward ciphertext or tableau.  We have “Antipodes (look up the meaning),” the CIA sculpture’s sister sculpture at the Hirshhorn Museum, and we’re aware of other oddities that may tie a Reverse Fibonacci Sequence into Kryptos.

When Sanborn asked, “Has anyone figured out what those are?  They’re important,” he implied that the misaligned letters could be interpreted with some finality (not to imply certainty) that leads us into the entire algorithm that unlocks the cipher known the world over as K4.  Is, “Yes, Mr. Sanborn, we know what those are.  Now what?” get us any closer to the answers?  I certainly think it’s worth the effort to pursue at this point in time.

Go check out Krazy Kryptos’ recent article: “K3 DYAHR Curiosity“

and then peruse the rest of his blog to see the untamed inner-workings of a person who loves puzzles.

“All about me” sounds self-centered but this is my blog so in a way I guess you would expect it to be about me.  That is somewhat of an accurate description except that it has really been about Rayn Halfpint and her second life experience. I have kept real life separate for good reasons. This blog will be unique in that is more about the person behind the keyboard not Rayn.

A lot of people come to SL to escape RL or to explore a new world and do things they cannot do RL.  When I first started out in SL my reason was the latter. In fact I have been blessed in RL and I realize that. At times I have taken that for granted and wasted far too much time in SL. Since I returned to SL I believe I have balanced RL and SL much better. 

There are three reasons I come to SL now: Mistress, my SL family and Yar.   I have limited my online time to the times in which I know they will be online, but I am not online as much as they are.  As much as I would enjoy spending all day and all night with them it is just not realistic and my RL is more important.

This brings me to my next point. I have been called selfish for wanting to spend time with my wife. Huh? In what world does that even make sense? If I was taking all of her time then yes that would be selfish. The truth is I have not seen her in days although I have logged in just about every day. When I do see her it is usually for 30 minutes max and there are always other people around. Tell me how that is selfish? Does it bother me when people call me selfish for wanting to spend time with my wife especially when they happen to spend more time with my wife than I do? Yes it does.  My time in SL takes me away from my RL plain and simple. So when I do log on time is precious. I am sacrificing time with my RL family to be with those that I love in SL.  For those of you who spend all day on SL, good for you. I am glad you can balance your RL and your SL in a way that allows you to do that, but don’t freaking call me selfish because when I log on to SL I want to spend the little time I have with the ones I love! Most importantly don’t call me selfish because I want..NO, I DESERVE more than 30 minutes with my wife every few days!!!

Only a few days into my pre-trial trial, I decided that I wanted this to be an actual trial. From what I had seen of Miss Tania and her family she really is a domme who cares. She was not out trying to collect girls, and she is not one to lock and leave them. She actually cares about her girls and I could tell she truly loves them. There are some dommes that demand respect and there are those that through their actions make you want to respect them, submit to them, and obey them. Miss Tania is one of those. So while I went into the trial half-heartedly, my attitude toward submitting to Miss Tania quickly changed.

I was on trial for 3 weeks. During my trial, I made mistakes. I let a playful teasing with one of my sisters go too far. I also left the sim, on accident actually (I double-clicked a LM someone gave me). Miss Tania probably would not have cared since it was an accident, but instead of promptly coming back, I bought some latex. A little stooge told on me (Yar), and I expected the trial to end there. Instead of punishing me or ending the trial, Miss Tania made me want to commit to her even more.

During the three weeks I was on trial, I learned a lot about Miss Tania and about her family. On October 2, Miss Tania became my Mistress and I could not have been happier. I submitted to her fully and completely. Peaceful bliss lasted a whole 24 hours before it was ruined by drama. I am not going to go into that here because quite frankly it would only contribute to more drama and while I’d like to say I am over it, I am not. Therefore, I am not going to talk about it, other than to say it truly was the first test of my commitment to Mistress. Due to the circumstances I could not have been more upset and angry about anything else in SL. Let’s just say I will not allow myself to be bullied or manipulated. Been there. Done that. I left that in Junior High where it belongs. At any rate, I did not feel like I had done anything wrong. Mistress pointed out a few things that I could have done differently and I agree. I am also going to obey Mistress and do what I was told, because I love her. She does not need to fully grasp how badly that person hurt me. I trust my Mistress fully and completely and she knows what is best for me.

Through my trial I learned a lot about myself. Through the direction of Mistress I examined myself and my own motives for being a brat. I learned that being bratty was my defense mechanism. I use it to keep people at arms length. It is my way of playing without actually becoming emotionally attached to someone. If someone can put up with my brattiness, and they are worthy, I may let down my wall a bit and let them see the real me. If on the other hand, someone does not want to be around me, because of my brattiness so be it. I really did not care. As far as I was concerned it was their loss. Yes, my defense mechanism worked perfectly, until Mistress came along and made me examine myself. I am thankful for the trial and the time to examine myself. I owe Mistress a debt of a gratitude. I love you Mistress!

Mesut Yarla Uyan Türkiye
Mon, 31 Aug 2009 04:28:53 +0300

MESUT YAR’LA UYAN TÜRKİYE BAŞLIYOR!

Türkiye, sabahlarının gülümseten alışkanlığı saatini yeniden kuruyor.

31 Ağustos pazartesi sabahından itibaren memleket güne yine Mesut Yar’la uyanıyor!

Gündemdekiler, gündemden düşenler, görünenler, görülenler, görünmeyerek gölgeye çekilenler Uyan Türkiye’de ekran podyumuna çıkıyor.

Türkiye’nin en renkli Günaydın’ı, ilk ve tek “haber kabaresi”, gülümsetirken düşünmeye davet eden hayat aynası bu yıl da iddialı.

Mesut Yar’ın hazırlayıp sunduğu Uyan Türkiye haberciliğe getirdiği gülümseme açılımıyla sabahlarınızın neşesi oluyor.
Haberde ve hayatta değişik bir tat arayanları uyandırıyoruz.

Mesut Yar’la Uyan Türkiye, hafta içi her sabah Star TV’de!

Mesut Yar

Duydukların sadece anlam.
Ya diğerleri?
Dahası olmalı.

-Nefes(ten) Nefs’e-

Kaburgama yıldızlar doldurdum
Her nefeste yenilerini kattım
Kudret onlara söz geçirebilmekte
Perdeler kapanmadan.
Sen var olansan hikmetini sormalıyım
Yıldızları gölgeleyebilir misin?
Benden bana bir yol açılır gönlümün aynasından,
Seyreylerim
Köz olursun kimi zaman
Ben, bende çağlarken,
Sır, toza karışırken.

-Nefs’ten Nefese-

Kaos gözlerini dikmiş seyretmekte zamanın üç halini
Hangi çağdan geldiğini sorar
Sen bilinmeyen isen, korlardan geçensin
Arşın gölgesinden yeryüzüne an be an
Zahir / batın her ne varsa
Odalarını aç
Görünmeyeni varlığa döndür.

Bir söz
Tek bir an
Seyrini mümkün kıl âlemlerin

Ey Nefs!

Topraklar, topraklarınız ölümlü ne çare
Bir kabuk, tenin mezarı
Gömülenler bir kabuk aşağıda,
Kaşısan çıkacak gibi, tırnak uçlarını sızlatan
Tan vakti gölge hayaller kaçışırken
Soytarılar görünür gülümseyerek
Şimdi ölme vakti,
Duhan zamanı, ölüm nefesi
Kıyamet kendimizi karşılayacağımız gün
Ve bir an kadar yakınken.

Ey ay!
Aşkım koşulsuz sevdana
Yârinden yarelerini gizleme çabana
Şeymalarını hep kendine saklamanadır.
Ve hiç gücenmez misin bu kibirin zorbalığında?
Yıldızlar secde eder bu aşka, ferlerinden utanır
Nefs sezdikçe varlığından utanır
Ben her bildiğimde yıldızları sineme gömer,
Zerresinde kül olur karışırım.
Ne zaman aşkı bilmek istesem, insanlığımdan utanır
Emanet getirdiğin ışığına bakarım.

Odalarını aç, arınmaya geldim
Bir damla suyken nehrine kat, hiç olayım
Kendimden geçip çağlayayım
Zerre iken tek bir anda sonsuza kanayım
Bu armoni ebedi mabedim
Yollarını arala, bırak narında yanayım
Adı konmamış vakitlerin bir yerinde,
Gittikçe gelen, döndükçe duran
Kapındayım.

*Duhan: Kıyametin büyük alametlerinden biri dünyayı kaplayacak olan duman bulutu.
**Şeyma: Aydaki kraterlere ve yüzdeki benlere verilen ad.

2008 Temmuz/ Kıbrıs

Melantis/ Paradiso
Ağustos 2009

I JUST met Rockhopper! He was on Christmas, on the Migrator! We had a ton of fun!

If you click the add button on his player card, you can grab his new background!

Check it out! The background’s awesome!

Good luck on meeting him!

Until next time,

Waddle on and discover new adventures!

Bubblegum423

]]> http://christophine.wordpress.com/2009/05/26/i-like-to-think-i-can-be-eloquent/ Tue, 26 May 2009 09:38:04 +0000 Christophine http://christophine.wordpress.com/2009/05/26/i-like-to-think-i-can-be-eloquent/

And I’ve wanted to write about some things. But I just can’t find the words. When I try, it gets lost in this incredible upswelling of happiness, and I’m reduced to staring blankly at the screen and thinking, “Wow. Just… WOW!”

And I’ll be going off to see Mr. Wow in early July. I can’t wait! I can’t even be sad about missing BayCon this weekend, because there is a WOW in my near future.

Next year, I hope to be able to bring my WOW to BayCon. He’s geeky too, just like me, and he’d probably enjoy it. Besides, the only friend of mine who’s met Yar is drewkitty, and I know that there are others who want to.

About the only coherent thing I can say is that I keep expecting to come down off the honeymoon stage high. I’ve known Yar more than a year. I’m usually finding – and ignoring. or even actively shoving aside – warning signs that this is Not A Good Thing long before this. I’ve been very good at that form of self-delusion in all the bad relationships. It was even easier to do in the cases where the guy was actually a good person, but that there were obvious, large, glaring incompatibilities. I knew that they were there on some level, I just kept paddling deeper into that river I have so loved to spend a lot of time in, De Nile.

But not this time. There have been no little nudges from somewhere inside my head that I’ve then had to lock in a mental closet. No little voices giving warnings that I’ve had to ignore. None of that. Nor have I put him up on a pedestal like I generally have in the past with whomever I’ve been involved in. I haven’t felt the need to do so to drown out the doubts.

My subconscious has decided that this is all too good to be true, and has started presenting me with bad dreams. Not ones where Yar suddenly starts acting like the abusers of my past. Even my subconscious seems to find that entirely too unbelievable. Instead, the bad dreams have simply been that Yar changes his mind about how he feels for me and everything between us comes to an abrupt end.

Even I have to admit that I was more than due for something good. I’d never have imagined that it could be someone THIS good, though.

Just… WOW!

who’s just another

asshole on the internet

made you laugh each time

- – -

Without naming (many) names, something I’ve noticed is that far and away one of the quickest ways to feign success is to be an asshole on the internet. Being a jerk doesn’t really merit you too much success in real life. In the real world, people get offended, resulting in consequences. In the internet world, you can pretty much say whatever you want not only with minimal repercussions, but instead with wild success. Take a look at Maddox. Sure, the man’s funny and well-known for it, but he’s also equally well-known for being among the most insultingly opinionated people around, and he’s met a fair amount of success for it. And there are countless people like him on the internet, who, on any basic level, have a fan base centered around little more than the fact that people enjoy how mean the guy is.

Granted, it’s easy to like these people in real life too, but the key difference is that in real life, you actually have to know them. You’re exposed to them constantly, whether or not you feel like being subjected to their unrelentingly scathing character or not, and you see just how often they’re not being funny. Enjoying the further adventures of such people on the internet, however, creates such a barrier where you only see them in what’s largely the way you want to see them, in a context where they are funny in complete disregard to how big an asshole they are.

Now I’m not going to go so far as to say that I don’t enjoy such behavior. Listening to Zero Punctuation’s Yahtzee destroy everything that comes his way is, unsettlingly often, the highlight of my Wednesday, and I’ve recently subscribed to a guy on Youtube who records his commentary while he plays old video games after finally deciding I found him entertaining enough to bother doing so, even though, as you’ve probably guessed, the guy’s kind of a dick. Comments on his videos he actually had a remotely positive reaction to are far and few between, and more often than not you have to wonder why people even bother leaving such praising comments that so often get angrily ripped apart, although I could just be looking into it too much, and I’m sure the guy’s not all that bad, but for whatever reason, there’s still that aspect of the human condition that loves an asshole. (Plea: No going Freud on me, readers.)

Anyway, I’m not really sure what my point going into this was. Take whatever you can get out of this one. Maybe go start a blog/vlog/webcomic/talk show/lemonade stand and be the angiest and most insulting person you can be and see if people flock to you to watch the joys of socially repressed rage freed by the anonymity of the internet, or maybe be increasingly skeptical to what merits quality and popularity. Causation and correlation, people.

It’s time for my annual bout of bronchitis. It hit yesterday, so I have about two weeks of this to get through. I’m either so drugged up on cough medications that make me extremely drowsy and often knock me out, or I’m coughing so much that I’m gonna start straining muscles. That means that keeping up with stuff around the house has gotten much more difficult. It didn’t used to matter as much. If I was knocked out most of the time from cough medications or hacking up a lung, my mom could always take care of what I couldn’t get to. But not this time.

She has hit a plateau in recovering from the stroke, able to get around the house but not able to get out and do errands. She can walk around a bit, but standing in one place is difficult and often painful for her, so no taking over the cooking. I managed to talk one of the guys who lives here into doing the grocery shopping today and cooking dinner tonight and the next couple.

Mom doesn’t do any exercises to strengthen the muscles that were weakened by the stroke, so it’s unlikely she will improve further. She is also back to the amount she was drinking before the stroke. She doesn’t seem to realize how much it affects her and how much of the balance and muscle control she’d regained she loses from the drinking. I can watch her becoming more and more wobbly and less and less capable as the day goes on. She has fallen a few times recently, and I’m sure it’s because she’s back to the heavy drinking. Her skin has gotten thin with age, and she’s on blood thinner medication, so she gets these gashes on her arms and legs that bleed profusely and it’s difficult to get the bleeding to stop. But saying something to her about it won’t make a difference. It hasn’t before, it’s not going to now. She fell again tonight, about 3 hours ago, and last I checked on her, her left arm had still not entirely stopped bleeding. She’s starting to look like I’ve been beating her with all of this. Every time I saw her so drunk she could barely walk before the stroke, it made me cry myself to sleep that night. It’s a thousand times worse now with the stroke. And I feel like a fucking weak coward, because if I was really doing what I should, I’d refuse to buy her the booze. I’m the one who has to do all the grocery shopping, after all. But with everything else, all the other stresses, I just can’t face the day after day of fighting over it if I refuse. I should be stronger than this, but I just can’t fucking get myself to do it.

Meanwhile, my grandmother’s mind is slipping further. She can’t hear nearly anything unless I’m yelling it, and then she gets pissed off at me for yelling. She’s pissed off at me because I have refused to throw out my artwork, which is apparently useless and taking up space (and it’s not like it’s space she needs, or even would use if it was empty.) She’s recently been making it pretty clear that even though I live here, I should do my damndest to make sure that I leave no sign anywhere that I do. The fact that I live out of a box and a suitcase is an issue, even though they’re out of the way, because they’re visible signs that I live here. Never mind that the reason I have to live out of a box and a suitcase again is because two months after I had my own room once more, she and my mother informed me I had to give it up so someone else could have it.

My grandmother has also decided that for some unknown reason, I have completely rewired the dryer so it doesn’t work like it’s supposed to. It doesn’t turn on the way she’s convinced she’s always turned it on. The thing has always had a start button in order to get it running, but she’s sure that the way she used to turn it on until recently was by turning the timing dial to the time she wanted and then pulling it out. That’s how the washer has always worked, not the dryer. But every time she does laundry, she comes to get me to show her how to turn on the dryer, and then yells and screams at me for a while about changing how it works on her just to drive her crazy. She also is convinced that I’m “doing something” to the TV to make it hard for her to watch it. Never mind the fact that I only watch one hour of TV per week. Every time she can’t get the TV working because she poked the wrong button when she turned it off the night before, it’s my fault and I get yelled at for it while I’m fixing it for her.

She’s pissed off at me because I “choose” not to sleep at night. She’s pissed off because I “sleep all the time.” If I don’t get any sleep or get very little (as usually happens) then she tells me that I should be perfectly fine because all I ever do is sleep. She won’t eat anything but sweets all day – heavily sugared cereal, cookies, and ice cream – and then tries to refuse to eat dinner because she’s “too fat” (her clothing is extremely baggy and hangs off of her) and so that’s a fight every single night to get her to eat anything healthy at all.

She’s losing control of bodily functions. There’s a stain on the chair she always sits in, and it’s obviously a urine stain. But she claims that it’s the cats making the chair filthy, and knocks them off the chair if they ever dare to get in it. The day before yesterday, a new wrinkle in this is that she shit herself rather explosively in the morning, after she’d been up some hours, just before she was going to take her shower. She’s currently still able to clean herself up after something like that, but who knows for how much longer with the way things are going. And one of my own issues is that I can’t deal with fecal matter without heaving up everything in my stomach. This is the case even if I can’t smell it. Just seeing it will cause me to start gagging.

And with the cats, she frets if they’re are out at night, but even if we tell her that all of them are in, she goes and stands there at night holding the door open in case any cats want in – letting all the cats out in the process. So I wind up spending hours trying to wrangle the cats and get them into the house for the night, after already having gone through it once to get them in.

She doesn’t care that having my psychotic cousin over here drives my mom’s blood pressure up and puts her in danger of another stroke. Nor does my grandmother care that when he’s here, I can’t sleep (sometimes for days on end if he’s here for multiple days in a row) because I have to be on guard so he won’t attack her or my mother. She tries to force us to let him stay here on the couch anyway.

Anything… and I do mean anything… that she doesn’t like at the moment is pretty much automatically my fault. I am so sick of getting yelled at, insulted, and threatened for things that I didn’t even do. And if I say I didn’t do them, she gets even more pissed off at me for lying to her. Even the cats messing up the chair thing isn’t always the cats. Sometimes she accuses me of peeing on her chair.

I have nowhere to work on artwork except at the dining room table since I had to give up my room. And if I’m there, she likes to wait until I’m concentrating and then come up behind me and stab me in the back with her fingernails. She thinks it’s hilarious to make me wreck some piece I spent days, weeks, and one case months on. Then she gets pissed off at me when I’m not amused by her little “joke” and starts screaming at *me* to leave *her* alone. I’ve managed to hide the destruction in a couple pieces, but often the piece will be ruined beyond my ability to fix.

I am low man on the totem, and even though my mom makes a point periodically of telling me she appreciates all I do, everything else is not making me feel much appreciated. I feel trapped. I feel like I’m drowning. I spend a large portion of the day refusing to let myself cry because I want to desperately but I just don’t have time for the tears. I’m going through a lot of self-pity right now, though I don’t let it prevent me from doing what needs to get done. The one thing I have to look forward to every day, the one good thing in my life right now, is the three or four hours I spend talking with Yar online, and the trip out to see him in July, hopefully. I’m skipping BayCon this year, because of the expenses of the trip in January when Yar came out to California for a few days, and the projected expenses of the trip in July. There are a lot of people I will miss seeing, because BayCon is the only time I get to see most of my friends.

I can’t even go hang out with a friend down here just to get away for an hour or two. Because I have no friends down here. Nearly six years I’ve lived here, and there have been people I’ve gotten on well enough with at the college. I’ve suggested we hang out, and they take my number, don’t give me theirs, and I never hear from them again. Since I had to drop out of college when my mom had her stroke last August, and discovered it was too soon when I tried to go back this semester, I haven’t even had that hour or three a couple times a week to get away from all this.

This is not how I pictured my late thirties and early forties. I sometimes find myself resenting being in this position, and hating myself for that. I know I have some advantages living here, like not paying rent or having to worry about bills. That was an acceptable trade-off when I was helping to take care of my grandmother and was also getting some money toward college so that when I get out of here, I can maybe manage to have something resembling a life. But since I had to drop out of college, my workload has more than doubled for less “pay”. I know that this isn’t how either of them pictured their lives at the ages they are now either. I know it’s not easy on them either, and that what they’re going through is worse than what I’m dealing with in so very many ways. My mom hates her helplessness and wants to get her independence back, I know that too. But since she wouldn’t do any of the physical therapy exercises to continue her improvement after the sessions ended, doesn’t do any other exercises to improve things either, and drinks the way she does, it’s unlikely she will and she will need me to be with her for the rest of her life. And all I want is to get my degree, get the job I’ve been wanting with it, and build a life with Yar. It’s looking like, at best, that will be eventually get my degree and the job that I want, and live a life with both Yar and my mom, if Yar is willing to have her as a rather permanent attachment.

I really don’t even want to think about what it’d be like if he doesn’t want to deal with having to live with someone else’s alcoholic invalid of a mother. Yar’s the best thing in my life, the best thing ever in my life. But with that comes the fear of losing him. And all of this is so much to ask him or anyone to accept.

I know that some of this is also that when I get really sick, I get gloomy and things look bigger and harder than they are. But even without the gloominess from being sick, it’s a fucking huge and heavy load.

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