Jag gjorde som sagt kroatisk pita idag. Min allra första pita. Den smakade inte direkt som mammas eller farmors. Ärligt talat så smakade den inte så mkt alls. Jag tyckte jag hade i tillräckligt med kryddor, men tydligen inte. Måste nog ha ganska rikligt med det nästa gång. För övrigt så blev den riktigt bra, jag är superstolt.

Ca en “normalstor” ugnsform:

Ett halvt paket ÿufka/filodeg (finns på de flesta orientlivs, storhandlar eller willys)
ca 400g bladspenat (jag köpte fryst, men tror att blir godare)
1 liter mjölk
1 liter filmjölk
smör
salt
peppar
ev. vitlök eller andra kryddor

Efter mammas recept:
Koka upp mjölken och häll försiktigt i filen när det börjar bubbla. rör om tills det blir som en ostmassa. Sila bort vattnet och häll i en bunke. Hacka spenaten och blanda i ostmassan tillsammans med kryddor. Jag rev även i lite vitlök, men det kan man göra som man vill.
Smörj en ugnsform med smör och lägg i ett filodegsblad. Pensla med smör och lägg på ytterligare ett filodegsblad. Häll på spenatblandningen och lägg i ytterligare två penslade filodegsblad. Upprepa tills formen är fylld. Avsluta med två penslade filodegsblad. Ställ i ugnen på ca 150 grader i 30 minuter. Servera med yoghurt eller fil. Jag tycker att det är gott att dricka ett glas fil till, men när jag nu hade kockta så tog jag det i stället.

Ingredients:
Curd – 2 cups
Rice – 1 tsp
Channa Dal- 1 tsp
Toor Dal- 1 tsp
Green Chillies – 4
Cumin seeds – 1 tsp
Ginger – 1/2″
Coconut – 4 pieces (1/2″ pieces)
Salt to taste
Mustard seeds – 1tsp
Asafoetida – a pinch
Dry red chillies – 2
Curry leaves – 1 sprig
Ajwain – 1/2 tsp
Turmeric – 1 tsp
Oil – 1 tsp

To be ground into a paste:
Soak rice, channa dal and toor dal together for 15 to 20 minutes. Grind the soaked dals and rice, coconut, cumin seeds, ginger, and green chillies into paste.

Method:
Beat the curd with salt,turmeric and the ground paste. Bring it to a boil.  Add the tempering to this curd mixture. Garnish with finely chopped coriander.

For tempering:
Heat oil in a pan. Add asafoetida, mustard seeds and let the mustard seeds splutter. To this add Ajwain, dry red chilli pieces, curry leaves and fry for 10 secs.

Amma’s tip: You can also add few fried pieces of Okra or pumpkin to the beaten curd before bringing the curd to a boil.

This in my opinion is Tamil version of Kashmiri Yakhni or Punjabi Kadhi. This dish is known as மோர் கொழம்பு. This is best served with rice.

Let’s say you’re reading a newspaper over the weekend. Let’s say you spot a front-page headline in this newspaper, all direly big, that says something along the lines of, “EATING YOGHURT DOUBLES YOUR RISK OF BRAIN CANCER!”

Assuming you pay attention, and go on to read the article, should you immediately stop eating yoghurt? After all, “doubling” is an awful lot. But when you read the small print in this kind of article, you’re likely to find out that 1) the baseline risk (i.e. the number of people, out of 1,000, who will get this illness in their lifetime) is extremely low; and 2) the correlation between eating yoghurt and brain cancer adds up to a slightly higher, but still extremely low risk. Let’s say that the number of people who will typically get brain cancer is something like 0.25 per thousand, or one person per four thousand. In the yoghurt-eating contingent, it is found that 0.5 people per thousand will go on to develop brain cancer, or one in two thousand – basically, one extra person per four thousand yoghurt eaters. The newspapers are perfectly entitled to report this as “RISK DOUBLES!”, and usually do.

Now, chances are that you didn’t make a vow to stay away from yoghurt when you read this article, because you’ve read too many like it, and possibly even muttered something about damned lies and statistics before you turned the page. That’s a shame, because we need statistics. Yes, they can be represented all kinds of ways, and some of those ways are more informative and useful than others, but it is statistics that we turn to when we need to know if a study or a programme worked, or whether crime rates really have changed, or if we should start excluding yoghurt from our diets. You need the toolkit to go up close and understand what the numbers are telling you.

There are some excellent resources online , for starters, try the Open University’s Statistics and the Media. And I recommend it so frequently, I feel like a broken record, but pick up Ben Goldacre’s Bad Science too – hilarious, fun to read, and the best simple primer on how to read, understand and criticise a science study that I’ve ever read.

I had a little chit-chat with Dad by the poolside just now over what I have been mulling over in recent weeks. I have said rather often that blogging has been my way of keeping me accountable for my eats – and it has. It has also been an outlet for me to express my thoughts and my feelings, in some way, I hope, reaching out to others who are suffering or are recovering from an eating disorder.

Well, it’s been almost 9 months of non-stop blogging with just about an entry each day. Blogging has become a part of me and all you bloggettes and bloggees have become a significant part of my life. You have encouraged me, and bolstered me up each time I threatened to fall, and you have helped me to see the beauty that I am surrounded by each and every day.

OMG. I sound like I’m about to kick the bucket! Lol.

Anyway, after sharing my thoughts with Dad this morning, I have decided that I will be making some changes to my ‘relationship’ with my blog. While a part of me wants to stop blogging altogether, I cannot trust myself to keep my paws off it entirely because, as established already, I will probably end up having my random bouts of verbal diarrhoea in which I will need an outlet for. Hehe. However, I will no longer be blogging everyday, nor will I be posting up all my eats because I am pretty, no, scratch that – I am extremely confident that I am no longer ruled over by ED. I would like to say that I am entirely confident but we can’t be too brash now can we? x) Not this moment anyway.

I think this is where I’d like to mark my transition into a more reflective blog about the entry into a new phase of my life that isn’t ruled by food. Rest assured though, I will still be throwing in interesting eats along the way and admittedly, I still have a few more pounds to gain. However, I believe that it is time to look ahead, to look to the future and keep moving towards that. For me, I think that if I were to keep talking about my relationship with ED in the present-tense, then it may keep me from moving forward simply because I may not feel the need to keep uncovering, finding and embracing my true identity – the one that I stopped looking for the day I stumbled upon ED. Am I making sense?

So today, I shall embark on my journey to a far more exciting destination – the land that has my name engrained in its foundations, the island that is waiting in eager anticipation to show me how vibrant the colours that lie in between ‘black’ and ‘white’ truly are…

And I would love it if all of you could travel there with me! =)

Of course, I can’t leave all of you without an insight into today’s munchies for old time’s sake, a commemoration of sorts perhaps! x)

Breakfast: Red Bean Bun! I couldn't stop thinking about it since I had it on Sunday so what better than to treat myself to this lip-smackingly delicious bun for breakfast?! x)

Morning Snack: Org Yoghurt with Vanilla PB and Dulce de Leche a.k.a. Milk Jam!

Lunch: Couscous with Beets, Portobello M'rooms and leftover Escalope with Salsa! Hehe. Yums!

Afternoon Snack: Think Thin Cookies & Cream Bar which comes in 2 portion controlled parts - obviously I gobbled both up together. Lol.

I actually had this in the library together with my packet of Ensure. Yes! I headed to the library (finally!) this afternoon to meet Pea and for the first time this semester, I was actually quite productive… I think. Lol. This bar wasn’t quite my cup of tea. The white part – the ‘cream’ I suppose wasn’t particularly creamy although the chocolaty middle was passable but not particularly memorable. There were some crispy bits for that little crunch but those didn’t excite me too much either. If any of you are interested, they have a pretty extensive range of ThinkThin bars at Vitakids in United Square (Novena) or Paragon. =)

Dinner: My usual combination of Sweet Potato with Sausages and Sauerkraut.

Dad and I tried S&W’s Sauerkraut which was a total thumbs down in our opinion. Usually we get the other brand from the U.S. which we find refreshingly crunchy in comparison!

Nightcap: Go Natural Macadamia Divine - I used to be obsessed with these! While this bar was still pretty divine, it wasn't as amazing as I used to think. Hmm... o.O

And so we have reached the end of this chapter of my life. At least, I hope it can and will be closed for good… which reminds me: I have a ‘date’ with dietitian dearest tomorrow!!! No matter what, there will always be a bit of a queasy feeling that wells up from the pit of my stomach whenever I think of appointments with her. I guess weigh-ins are hardly a thing I look forward to but it must be done and I will keep you all updated! x)

“Taking one foot and putting it in front of the other, that is the only way to travel forward…If however you take steps forward whilst looking backward; well – then you will fall over because you end up tripping over something you would easily have seen if looking where you were going in the first place. So, when looking back just stay still for a moment, allow yourself to reflect, but then you must at some point turn around and just keep moving – or you will stagnant on the spot which means going nowhere at all.”
- Jacquelene Close Moore

With tons of love and butterfly kisses,
Nat xx

Av Lise

De fleste av oss har hørt at melk inneholder mye kalsium. Og det er helt riktig. Melkeprodukter er den beste kilden til kalsium i norsk kosthold, og bidrar med omtrent 70 prosent av kalsiumet.

Men er det mulig å få i seg nok kalsium hvis man kutter ut melk? Ja, det er mulig, men det krever både kunnskap og innsats.

Kutter man ut melk fordi man ikke er så glad i smaken på melk, kan man fint dekke kalsiumbehovet med yoghurt og ost i stedet. Tre porsjoner meieriprodukter om dagen vil sikre de aller fleste nok kalsium. Det betyr at ved å drikke en kaffe latte, spise ett beger yoghurt og en bødskive med ost så får du i deg det du trenger.

Hvis man kutter ut melk fordi man ikke tåler melk så er det viktig å ha god kunnskap om hvilke næringsstoffer man ”går glipp av” og hvordan man kan erstatte disse.  For barn med melkeallergi er det vanlig å anbefale spesielle kalsiumberikede melkeerstatninger (Soya-Semp, ProSobee, Profylac, Nutramigen, Pepdite) frem til 3 års alder. Disse melkeerstatningene kan kjøpes på apotek og fås på blå resept fram til fylte 10 år. Eldre barn kan til en viss grad kompensere ved å spise mer av andre kalsiumrike matvarer. Men for de aller fleste er det nødvendig å ta en kalsiumtablett, gjerne en som inneholder vitamin D i tillegg.

Ønsker du ikke å ta kalsiumtablettet så er det mulig å kompensere med andre kalsiumrike matvarer, men vær oppmerksom på at du må spise ganske mye for å dekke kalsiumbehovet på ca 800 mg/dag.

Her er eksempler på hvor mye kalsium enkelte matvarer gir:

• Ett glass (1,5 dl) soyamelk, rismelk, havremelk (NB! De som er beriket med kalsium): 170 mg kalsium
• 1 ss sesamfrø (de må være knust for kalsiumet sitter bundet i skallet): 108 mg kalsium
• 1 porsjon grønnkål (55 g): 86 mg  kalsium
• 1 porsjon spinat (25 g): 70 mg kalsium  
• 2 stk sardiner i olje: 40 mg kalsium
• 10 mandler: 25 mg kalsum
• 1 bukett brokkoli: 20 mg kalsium

For ordens skyld så legger jeg også til kalsiuminnholdet i noen meieriprodukter:

• Ett glass melk (1,5 dl): 170 mg kalsium
• Ett beger yoghurt (150 g):  180 mg kalsium
• En brødskive med gulost (20 g ost): 160 mg kalsium

Da er det bare opp til deg å velge. Selv velger jeg å gå for ett glass melk, en yoghurt og en brødskive med gulost om dagen – det både gjør godt og smaker godt.

I’ve currently got five containers on my counters that are various food things in various stages of completion or fermentation.

(from right to left)

Sauerkraut – I just threw this one together a few minutes ago – cabbage, chiles, sea salt, and whey.  I mashed it all together and then smashed it all into a jar.  In a week or so, I’ll taste it.  Yum!  Last time was too salty.  I used less salt this time.  We’ll see how it turns out.

Yoghurt – I’ve got a jar of milk and greek yoghurt that’s culturing into a full jar of yoghurt.

Kishk – I’ve got a cracked wheat and rolled oat mixture fermenting with some homemade yoghurt in order to make a Middle Eastern food which will become kishk granola on Thursday when I add coconut and raisins.

Sourdough Sponge – my sourdough sponge is proofing.  Tomorrow I’ll add the rest of the whole wheat flour and water and let the dough rise its first rising.

Hazelnut-Cocoa Spread (aka Primal/Vegan Nutella) - I roasted my Hazelnuts today.  They’re cooling on the stove before I grind them into paste tomorrow!

Besides the large mound of rabbit-like dishes, that’s what’s happening in my kitchen!

This blog post is a part of GNOWFGLINS’ Tuesday Twister!

Note: I’m pretty bushed today so apologies beforehand if this entry makes little sense. Lol. I think I basically bounced around a few different things that popped into my head as I typed away. Good night lovies! xx

This afternoon, I spent a little while going back on some of my blog entries and scanning through them – well, looking at the pictures mostly. It was really quite sad in a way because the girl I saw in those pictures looked mostly tired, drained, worn… in other words, sick. At the time, I thought I already looked the picture of health even though the scales told me otherwise, which makes me wonder how accurate my eyes are in judging my reflection now. Sometimes, I think I look rather hefty, other times I think I look just right – both of these sentiments were the same ones that I felt during my earlier stages of recovery. It is truly difficult to think that what I see isn’t real and that totally confuzzles me because it makes me question how I really look like.

But…

I’m not here to lament about how I think I’m looking right now size-wise. Rather, looking at my older posts reminded me yet again that no matter how healthy I think I look; no matter how I perceive myself to be or how I feel about myself, I still have to stick to the objective measures and wait for the time to come when my body tells me that all is indeed in order. When the blood arrives – as gory as it sounds (lol), that is when I know that ED has been slain…. Ok. Not really. I don’t want to say that ED will be eliminated from my life forever BUT at least I will be able to say that I have control over ED.

Breakfast: Shredded Wheat drowned in Soy Milk x) - Shredded Wheat is always best drowned!

For me, I sometimes forget that ‘fat’ days and the worry of overeating are the same issues that ‘normal’ women face from time to time. I mean, in my pre-ED days, there were periods when I would feel horribly bloated and heavy, but that was usually due to me PMS-ing. There were days when I would eat lunch out with my friends and feast, only to balance the huge input with a lighter dinner. There were days where I would be easily irritable, requiring time to be alone to mull things over. As far as I know, those weren’t necessarily ED-related feelings and yet, after developing anorexia, it is so easy to lump all these feelings into the realm of eating disorders.

Morning Snack: Dr. You Bar which is much like a cake in bar-form. Lol.

I believe that being free from ED is entirely possible. While I have no doubt that there will definitely be days where numbers may make an appearance in the form of calories or on the weighing scale, I think what defines recovery for me is the ability to not let those numbers define the person that I am; to not let them affect the rest of my day; to not let them affect my mood, or my meals for that matter. What defines recovery is the ability for me to be in control and not let ED overthrow my power over my body.

Lunch: Fried Rice with Diced Cumberland Sausages, Chye Sim, and Beets

From all my attempts to study this week, one thing that did actually manage to stick in my head is the idea that behaviour does not necessarily reflect attitude.

It made me think.

We all want to be happy. We all want to be healthy. We all want to be free.  I know I know, I’m kind of assuming here that that’s what we all want. I’m pretty sure I’m right though but if I’m not, apologies for my ignorance. x) Anyway, these desires in a way, encapsulate our attitudes towards life – That the beauty of life lies in our ability to strike a balance, to experience highs and lows, to taste the sweetness of being comfortable in our own skin, of loving ourselves as we are, of living for ourselves and not to satisfy the wants of others.

Afternoon Snack: Branche Chocolate Bar with Hazelnuts bits (from the UK) swimming in Org Yoghurt. See the face I made?? x)))

Behaviourally though, that isn’t always the case.

We all know that to be happy, healthy and free means having to pull ourselves out of the ditch ED happily threw us into, and yet, sometimes it gets so tiring that we question whether the air up there really is fresher, cleaner, more crisp. We wonder whether the blue skies look bluer or the green grass looks greener outside of the black hole. We ask if it is worth it. And when ED manipulates us into thinking that it isn’t, then our knowledge of what is logically true, fizzles away and our behaviour and attitude no longer go hand in hand.

Dinner: Butternut Squash with Sauerkraut, Escalope with Cheesy Pesto and Beetroot Dip on the Side

I sit here, letting my fingers dance away at the keyboard (which is the only type of dancing I’m actually rather good at. Lol), and I say that recovery IS possible. Our behaviour can definitely be a reflection of our attitudes if we allow ourselves to listen to our bodies. Since our eyes cannot be trusted, close them. Close them and listen with our hearts to the needs of our bodies. There can be no tomorrows. The time is now.

Nightcap: Mango Yoghurt Drink with Go Natural Apple & Sultana Ripple Meal Bar - I could taste the sultanas but the apple flavour was just about non-existent =S

What this boils down to, is the ability to give ourselves that push in the right direction. The direction that points towards the honest truth and leaves behind the trail of lies handed out like freebies by ED. The first push is always difficult but it gets the momentum going. Then every now and then, a little booster push may be required to keep us chug-chug-chugging along. And when we have reached a health state of mind and body, we can look back and realise the extent to which our perceptions of ourselves were really twisted.

“Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.”
- John 8:32

So you see, the feeling of being trapped in the cage built around us and constraining us by the evil hands of ED is a result it was built on a foundation of lies. When we find the truth though, we will be able to spread our wings and soar.

We will be free.

I think I’m at the stage where the door of the cage has been opened and I have stretched my wings. Flying? Not quite there yet. But with a wee bit more nourishment, I’m pretty sure I’ll have the energy to take off and dance with all my beautiful friends and family who are eagerly waiting for me to travel together with them to new places in our lives! The feelings of vulnerability and fear are present, but the lure of the clear blue skies that hold boundless opportunities for me is much too great for me to resist anymore. It already feels so good being able to open up my wings and feel the wind blow against my face with raw intensity. Just imagine how much more fantastic it will be the day I learn to fly! The day we all learn to fly!

“To live completely, wholly, every day as if it were a new loveliness, there must be dying to everything of yesterday, otherwise you live mechanically, and a mechanical mind can never know what love is or what freedom is.”
- Jiddu Krishnamurti

Because you deserve to be free!

With an infinity of love!
xx

Her er en liste over viktige ingredienser i TINE produkter. Informasjonen er hentet fra TINE sine websider. PDF-filen kan lastes ned her: Faktaark religion og matregler.

Løpe

TINE bruker løpe utvunnet fra storfe i sine oster. (Det er delte meninger om løpe er halal eller haram blant lovskolene, men løpe fra storfe/kalv/ku er tillat i Hanafi-lovskolen).

Det finnes TINE oster uten animalsk løpe som er fremstilt av mikrobiell løpe eller uten løpe (halal):

- Norbo ost (halal-godkjent m/ mikrobiell løpe)
- Norsk Chevre (mikrobiell løpe)
- Snøfrisk hvitost (mikrobiell løpe)
- TINE Kremsot
- Snøfrisk
- Sans Kesam
- Sans Kremost
- TINE Gamalost
- TINE pultost

( ^ Resten av ostene er uten løpe)

Gelatin

Brukes i et fåtall av TINE’s produkter og utvinnes av svin. Følgende produkter inneholder gelatin (haram):

- Sans Yoghurt 0,1%
- TINE Yoghurt Omega 3
- LITAGO Yoghurt Omega 3
- LITAGO Yoghurtkesam
- Crème Chèrie (ost)

Tilsetningsstoffer

Mono- og diglyserider: Alle mono- og dygliserider, emulgatorer e471 og e472 i TINE produkter er fremstilt fra planteråstoff og kan spises av muslimer, jøder og vegetarianere (halal).

Karmin: E120 er fremstilt fra en insektart (haram).

D-vitamin

Vitamin D som finnes i TINE Melk Ekstra Lett og TineSmør er godkjent for vegetarianere, kosher og halal (halal).

Alkohol i Kefir

TINE Kefir Økologisk inneholder 25-50 milliontidels milligram alkohol per liter, noe som er godt under 0,1% alkohol i kefiren og kan derfor konsumeres av muslimer (halal).
Grunnen til alkoholdannelsen i kefir og bl.a. brøddeig er gjæringsprosessen.

WallahuAlim.

halalharamguide

Before I start this entry proper, I mustn’t forget my manners because Momma taught me that is it always important to say ‘Thank You’ when people have been nice to me. All of you beautiful girlies, and guys (yes, this is an all-inclusive blog!), left such lovely messages on my blog entry yesterday that certainly kicked my Monday off with a huuuuuuge smile on my face! It was because of you that sunshine was injected into my wet, wet day. Thank you my sweet angels!! xx

******

Tonight, I felt like cake – Cheesecake to be exact. I mean, I didn’t feel like cheesecake cheesecake, I just felt like having cheesecake. x) (Get the ‘joke’? Haha. Sorry, I think I’m the only person in the world who thinks my jokes make sense and are funny. =x) So this afternoon, since Dad had a meeting in town, he dropped by Cedele on the way home, calling me to ask what cake I’d like for him to bring home. With so many drool-inducing sounding cakes to choose from, I couldn’t decide and asked for Dad to surprise me. Cedele’s cakes have never failed me so far and when it was time for my nightcap, I was eager to dig right in.

Unfolding this box revealed to me a simple looking slice of cake with purple streaks colouring its creamy-white body, and finely chopped nuts sprinkled generously over the top.

After the obligatory pictures, of which there weren’t many as I could hardly contain my excitement, I stuck my fork right in and had a taste of Cedele’s Hazelnut and Blueberry Cheesecake. The spurt of ecstacy that I was waiting to surge through me… failed to arrive. Confused, I put another forkful into my mouth, willing for my tastebuds to be wrong. Still, disappointment. There were whole blueberries embedded in this cake and while it was hardly cloying, the cheesiness was not quite as strong nor as dense as I would have liked. The hazelnuts were not quite as nutty as I was hoping for and the blueberry flavour didn’t quite meet the mark.

I am still tearing my hair out in wonder as to whether my taste preferences have changed or whether the cakes, and the Mr. Bean biscuits I had on Saturday, have decreased in standard. Mum reckons my sense of taste has evolved and I guess when I last came out of restriction, I found all these goodies exceptionally tasty especially since my body was craving sugars at the time. I’m quite upset to be honest – that the foods that used to peak my interest no longer seem to taste the way the did before, or at least, the way I remembered them.

Still, I’m glad that I ate what I felt like eating. Perhaps it was the cake, perhaps it was me. Whatever the case, I know that nowadays, whenever I do get a craving for something that catches my fancy, I will eat it as I please! They say you are what you eat and while I try to eat well on the most part, let’s remember that a little bit of naughtiness never hurt anyone! Lol. In fact, it gives life a bit of a deliciously spicy kick.

Breakfast: Scrambled Eggs Topped with Mozzarella (You can never have too much of a good thing!) and Spicy Lentil Dip on the side.

Eating breakfast reminded me of the opening song of Oliver Twist that goes:

Food, glorious food!
What wouldn’t we give for
That extra bit more –
That’s all that we live for
Why should we be fated to
Do nothing but brood
On food,
Magical food,
Wonderful food,
Marvellous food,
Fabulous food…

Actually, it was just the stretchy, chewy, cheesy, mozzarella that did it for me. Lol. Yes, breakfast may not have looked particularly pretty but don’t judge!! I kind of threw the cheese on top of the cooked eggs so it melted, resulting in a rather messy looking pile of yellow. But the oozy, gooey cheese definitely made up for its lack of visual appeal! x)

Morning Snack: Org Yoghurt with a packet of crushed Hazelnut Oat Krunch Biscuits! Simple but so yummy!

Lunch: Kashi 7-Grain Pilaf with Tofu & Mince, and Carrots with Chye Sim

Afternoon Snack: Apple Sauce topped with Raisins Oats & More Cereal!

Dinner: Chasoba with leftover Egg Tofu and Mince from lunch time (hehe), Chye Sim and Kimchi!! Oh for the love of KIMCHI! Mmmmm...

Enough about the nosh…

You know, I remember asking myself when I was little, what I would want to be if I could choose to be anything in the world. I decided that if I could, I would choose to be a tree.

Why?

Trees are solid, tall, strong, firm… and they have a calm beauty about them. They grow sturdier as their trunks expand with age and boy, there are century-old trees I have seen that look majestic – gloriously adorned with deep green leaves clamouring for space on their outstretched arms, with roots (pun intended! Hehe.) rich in history reaching deep down into the foundations, ensuring that they will survive the quaking of the earth should there be any. Imagine how much an ancient tree would have seen in their lifetime! Imagine how much knowledge and wisdom they hold! Imagine how many people it may have shielded from the rain; how many animals may have made it their home…

Well, after much thought, I realise that I can indeed be a tree in the sense that all the attributes that I have given to this tree I have in my head, can be attributes I can cultivate within myself – well, minus the tall part. Althoughhhhh… give me a pair of 12-inch heels and my wish will be fulfilled for about, 3 minutes. Lol. Afterwhich I will probably collapse at the sheer torture of having to stand in them. Height issues aside through, I can be strong in the face of life’s difficulties and I can be firm in the values I believe in. I have a history that is slowly reaching deeper and deeper into the ground with each passing day, providing for me a sturdy foundation in which I can grow and not be shaken by the idealistic pressures that society may try to project onto me. And once I have grown into my own being, I will be able to try my best in shielding others who may be vulnerable to the harsh world of ED – at least until they are about to garner enough strength of their own to be on their way; until the stormy weather has subsided.

That’s what I want to be. That’s who I want to be. That’s who I WILL be.

And in the end, it’s not the years in your life that count. It’s the life in your years.
- Abraham Lincoln

If you could choose to be anything in the world – living or non-living, what would you choose to be?

Nattree Tan, signing out!

xx

P.S. Pardon my random bout of quirkiness today. Haha. I don’t know what’s got into me but I’m feeling this strange sense of high… Wonder if it’s the cheeeeesecake…

Av Lise

I siste utgave av Foreldre & Barn kan du lese om en stor yoghurt-test. Biola Yoghurt Naturell ble kåret til testens vinner på grunn av lavt innhold av fett og sukker i tillegg til at den inneholder gunstige probiotiske bakterier. Du kan lese hele testen her.

Mange foreldre lurer på om det er greit å gi barna yoghurt. Og selvfølgelig er det greit. Yoghurt kan være en god kilde til både kalsium, jod, B-vitaminer og proteiner.

Det er viktig å være bevisst på at barna ikke får i seg for mye tilsatt sukker, men før man tar bort yoghurten fra kostholdet bør man kutte ut saft, brus og andre ”sukkerbomber”. Men velg gjerne en yoghurt variant uten eller med lite tilsatt sukker slik som  naturell yoghurter, TineYoghurt Ja, LITAGO eller TINE Yoghurt Mild&Lett. Da kan du gi barnet ditt en yoghurt om dagen med god samvittighet!

I have often blogged about my amazingly supportive Mum and Dad; that this fight isn’t mine alone, but also a struggle that Mum and Dad have had to go through in their own ways. This evening though, I’d like to talk about someone incredibly special to me – my best friend, PEArl. This entry is dedicated to her!! And to all of you who have friends going through EDs. *hugs*

Breakfast: Margaret Rivers Greek Yoghurt (Can't beat Fage in my opinion =( ) with Luna Bar Nutz Over Chocolate and Dulce de Leche

A friend is the one who comes in when the whole world has gone out.
- Grace Pulpit

This quote perfectly speaks of the kind of friend Pea has been to me ever since… ever! I guess when I was in my self-absorbed world of anorexia, I never thought of how much me wallowing in illness could have affected those around me. I mean, my parents, of course! But friends? The fact that my friends never had to be around me 24/7 made me think that whatever happened to me would be no concern of theirs. I felt at the time that they had the option of leaving me in the ‘anorexic’ rut that I was in whenever they wanted rather than have a burden for a friend.

Well, a lot of friends did disappear, not all for the same reasons I’m sure. I think some may have been scared off by my none-too-hip skeletal look; others didn’t know how to relate to me anymore and yet others simply didn’t understand. I don’t blame them. I started thinking today about how I would react if a friend became sick with anorexia instead of me. Would I leave them in their world of darkness and aloneness; thinking, believing that they were merely doing it for attention and vanity? Or would I try to learn more about anorexia and stick by them?

Morning Snack: Nakd Banana Bread

To be perfectly honest and shamefully frank, I think I would have run off because that would be the easiest thing to do.

But.

My best friend Pea? She didn’t run, she didn’t hide from me, she didn’t shun me. She stood by me like a solid rock just as she did each time in the past I went through painful breakups, letting me bawl my eyes out when I needed to, listening to me rant and rave about Mum and Dad, about treatment, about all the things I hated in the world – you know, the usual, depressing ED shizz-talk. And then she would irritate me ED by saying that all Mum and Dad were doing and all the ED team were telling me, were born out of good intentions in wanting me to recover, to be healthy and to be happy. ED would make me feel as if she was saying that just because she, like everyone else, just wanted me to be… fat. Now, however, I know that Pea didn’t mince her words with me because she cares.

Lunch: Tofu Patty with Honey Mustard, Lettuce & Tomato with Toasted Sunflower Seed Loaf in Cedele

It’s been a while and I was utterly upset that they seem to have changed from using traditional mustard to honey mustard. Honey mustard tastes nothing like the more uberlicious, tangy traditional mustard. Next time I’m going to request for the lovely, yellow, pasty love instead of the sweet, flowy, not very tasty mustard! Enough about mustard though, lunch out was nice and I know I said I would put a picture up when I reach my healthy weight but I couldn’t resist! =x My hair’s grown out quite a bit now and yes, I’m a lot… more womanly now! Although there’s not a lot of boob-action going for me still. =S

“A friend means well, even when he hurts you. But when an enemy puts his hand round your shoulder – watch out!”
- Proverbs 27:6

There were wonderfully, strong, spirited girls and guys I met in hospital and in day-programme, but there were also ‘friends’ I made who taught me how to be a better ‘ED’-advocate, who taught me how to throw up better, to hide food, to say the right things to the doctors. I realise now though, that all those things were detrimental to my recovery and that the only person to lose out at the end of the day, was me. Friends don’t teach you how to stay sick. Friends help to pull you out of stinky pits so that you can experience the world with them.

Afternoon Snack: Sliced Bananas and Strawberries with Chocolate Pudding!!

“If you’re alone, I’ll be your shadow.  If you want to cry, I’ll be your shoulder.  If you want a hug, I’ll be your pillow.  If you need to be happy, I’ll be your smile.  But anytime you need a friend, I’ll just be me.”
- Author Unknown

Middle of this year, I got angry with Pea because of a messy situation that arose out of a meal she had together with my family. I became so upset that I told her that I didn’t want her to be part of my life indefinitely – at least until I could make peace with what had happened. She respected my decision, and yet, she never closed the door on me. Pea, my best friend, my sister from another mother (and father! lol), simply waited. She waited for me to see sense again, and when the light bulb in my head got switched on and it dawned on me how stupid I had been, she accepted me, never once telling me that I had been childish, foolish or arrogantly self-centred.

All the while, as I battled with ED, I never saw that Pea may have been hurting seeing what I was putting myself through, and seeing me struggling to get out of it. I never stopped to think that she may have been facing problems at home, or stress with school work and work work. I just thought the world revolved around one person – ME. She stood strong for me. Even when she was crumbling on the inside, she clung to the belief that I would get better – and I am!

I have never really told her how much I appreciate her, how grateful I am that she never gave up on me. I cannot begin to describe how much Pea has helped me through this rocky road, or how much her straight-talking, while irksome at that time, has helped me to see sense. I always thought of Pea as my conscience somewhat because I tend to be the more impulsive one – doing things and saying things without giving them much thought. Pea on the other hand, is more sensible, more mature, and never fails to provide some of the best advice whatever the situation I am in.

Light Dinner: An Pan Bun!!! a.k.a Red Bean bun

I had yogaaaa this evening so I couldn’t fill myself up too much which was just as well because I could feel my stomach churn a little as I did some of the poses. Anyway, this was positively yummers! Decadent dark red bean paste filled this baby up and oozed out with each bite. The filling was hardly cloying and I actually enjoyed the chewiness of the bun. While I appreciate the light, fluffy ones (Think: Barcook Bakery), I’m still more partial to the denser, less delicate, less airy buns.

Friends are kisses blown to us by angels.
- Author Unknown

How blessed am I to have found a friend who I know I can trust whole-heartedly? I am blessed beyond words.

So my dearest Pea, I just want you to know how grateful I am that our paths crossed all those 8, 9 years ago. I know that I haven’t been around for you as much as you have for me but know that if you do need me, I will be here – a phonecall, a message, a letter, an email away (whichever floats your boat). I love you not just as a best friend, but as a sister as well. I don’t think this bond that we have somehow managed to build and strengthen over the years can ever be broken. Even when we’re 80 and probably toothless and having to sip our pureed lunches through straws, even when we have to scream at each other due to a build-up of wax in our ears to make ourselves heard, even when we have to wear 5-inch thick, magnifying glasses just to see each other, you will be just as strong and even more beautiful than you already are because you are who you are and I love you all the same!! x)

Nightcap: Go Natural Indulgence Range - Macadamia Dream...... Awesomely dreamy!

Remember Toy Story?? I totally love this song from there:

You’ve got a friend in me
You’ve got a friend in me
When the road looks rough ahead
And you’re miles and miles
From your nice warm bed
Just remember what your old pal said
Boy, you’ve got a friend in me
You’ve got a friend in me
You’ve got a friend in me
You’ve got a friend in me
You’ve got troubles, well I’ve got ‘em too
There isn’t anything I wouldn’t do for you
We stick together and we see it through
You’ve got a friend in me
You’ve got a friend in me

Some other folks might be
A little bit smarter than I am
Bigger and stronger too
Maybe
But none of them will ever love you the way I do
It’s me and you
And as the years go by
Boys, our friendship will never die
You’re gonna see
It’s our destiny
You’ve got a friend in me
You’ve got a friend in me
You’ve got a friend in me

While we all know how much EDs can hurt our family, take time to think of friends who love us too, who are hurting for us too, who want us healthy too. Today made me realise that EDs do not only affect the people in immediate, constant contact with us, namely our family, but also friends who love us and who may not be able to see us all of the time. There are so many many more friends I am thankful for who have joined this army of mine to battle ED… but that, I will leave for another day. This evening though, this evening’s for Pea! =)

With lots of heartfelt love!

xx

It seems that i’ve fallen in love, ( with bananas, that is ), most of the time the desserts i’ve baked has bananas in it. It looks as if  i have an obsession with bananas and couldn’t do without them for long period of time. Haha. The truth is; Dad will buy some bananas back for our fortnightly praying and he always likes to buy banana. However, after the praying, nobody wanted to eat those bananas, except me and him, and between the two of us, we couldn’t finish them in time before they became overripe. Those poor things will then grow uglier and uglier ( their skin will develop black spots all over ) day after day, until they were totally ineligible.

So, in order not to let them go to waste, i turn those ugly buggers into delicious desserts, which my other family members will eat then. Hmm… Seems to me that they are a bit spoilt.

Anyway, this time round, i’ve chosen to bake a simple banana cake which always goes well in the family. I find that most store-bought banana cake are dry and dense in texture and they are usually too oily for my taste. In contrast, the banana cake that i’ve baked is soft and fluffy. The texture is similar to that of a sponge cake while the banana flavour is still intense. Personally, i have to say that my banana cake is better ( hehe ).

The original recipe is actually doubled and  ment for a 8″ round cake pan and it requires almost an hour to bake them. Thinking to save time and electricity, i halved the amount and baked them in small cake cups. This greatly reduced the baking time and the little cakes came out cute.

Banana Walnut Cake

( makes 8 little cakes )

Ingredients:

80 g                    butter, softened

70 g                    sugar

1                           egg

110 g                  cake flour

1/2 tsp              baking powder

1/4 tsp              bicarbonate of soda

110 g                  banana, mashed ( ≈ 1 medium banana )

50 g                    plain yoghurt

1/4 tsp              banana essence

40 g                    roasted walnuts, chopped

Method:

1.    Beat butter and sugar until light and creamy.

2.    Add in egg and beat until creamy and well blended.

3.    Add in yoghurt,mashed banana, banana essence and mix well.

4.    Fold in sifted cake flour, baking powder, bicarbonate of soda and chopped walnuts

        and mix gently. Do not overmix.

5.    Pour in cake mould and arrange walnuts on top.

6.    Bake at 180°C for 20 minutes.

7.    Remove from oven and place on cooling rack to cool.

.

Change. They say that the only thing constant is change.

This evening, after missing out of one of my old favourites – Mr. Bean biscuits for a few months, I suddenly had this craving for them because of dear lilballerina who has been raving about them to me in her emails. Lol. So Mum and I popped down to Compasspoint to buy some for my nightcap. As lilballerina mentioned, these biscuits are now packaged in plastic with an expiry date on them. Rather environmentally-unfriendly (grr) I must say but more hygienic perhaps. I bought two Salty Bean biscuits for myself since they no longer sell the Green Tea and Sweet Bean flavours. =(

I eagerly ripped open the plastic wrappers come supper time and after the all-important glamour shots of these soy-bean shaped biscuits, I sunk my teeth into one and then kwa kwa kwaaaaaaaa… My heart sank. Totally anti-climatic to be honest. It appears that Mr. Bean has revamped their biscuit recipe and the texture of the biscuit was too soft and too moist for my liking. I preferred it when they were drier and more crumbly. So I put my second piece into the oven for about 5 minutes which turned out slightly better but something about the biscuits just didn’t do it for me. While Mum agreed that the biscuits are more ‘cakey’ in a way, she said that they were still nice and that my tastebuds have probably changed.

Weird – the thought that I may have changed.

Then I pondered about it and realised that change happens every second of every minute of every hour of every… you get the idea. I find it tough accepting change a lot of the time. I tend to think of change as being chaotic, problematic. I don’t know… It’s true though, change is inevitable and as much as I may loathe change, it doesn’t only affect the things around me, it also affects me directly and indirectly. Furthermore, if not for change, life would be stagnant wouldn’t it? I mean, the only way for change not to occur is if we were frozen in time, like totally frozen. Frozen like how Austin Powers was frozen before he got defrosted like, a quarter of a century after. Lol. Oh gawd! Now I have the Austin Powers theme song running through my head and I’m sitting here, typing, and imaging him doing his super sexay 70’s moves, all while having a loopy smile dancing across my face! Groovy baby yeah!

I suppose, if I’m unable to beat change, I might as well embrace it. In a way, if not for change, I wouldn’t have come this far. In fact, change appears in every facet of our lives doesn’t it? Choosing to let go of ED meant having to change my perception of food; to change the way I handle life’s obstacles; to change the way I’d like to live.

Changing topic for a second, or two, to my day’s edible eats:

Breakfast: Salsa with Mozzarella Cheese on Toast. YUM!

Morning Snack: Yoghurt with Mashed Banana and Apricot Jam!

Lunch: Tomato-based 'Pizza' with Roasted Eggplant Rounds, (Overcooked) Chicken Slices and Feta Cheese - Feta Cheese is oddly addictive!

Afternoon Snack: Go Natural Nut Fantastic! Fantastically Nutty!

Dinner: Chasoba in Asari Sauce, with Cauliflower, Carrots and Sliced Sausages

I have no idea what Asari Sauce is but it’s from the Japanese section in the supermarket. It was rather nice I must say although I prefer the Wafu Sauce. Hehe. But if I didn’t try I wouldn’t know right? x)

“You must be the change you wish to see in the world”
-Mahatma Gandhi

Wise words from a wise man.

I constantly lament about the stark inequalities present in our world today. It upsets me that there is more than enough food to feed every single inhabitant on Earth and yet, chronic hunger still exists. It frustrates me to think that the rich are able to see their money multiply like crazy while the poor seem to be getting beyond poor. It pains me that money IS making the world go wrong and it saddens me to think that so many people, in their pursuit for wealth thinking that it equates to happiness, have forgotten the things that are truly important in life -  God. Family. Love. LIFE itself.

There are times where I wish I could have a loud hailer to shout into in order set everything ‘right’ in the world, but I know that nothing can ever be perfect because if perfection were to exist, we wouldn’t appreciate its beauty simply due to the nonexistence of something flawed that we can use as its comparison. On top of that, how can I expect to change the world if I cannot look after the ‘world’- my body,  in which my soul, my spirit dwells?

Am I making any sense here? o.O

Anyway, I’m just going to turn everything I’ve just said back on its head and say this:

I have changed since I began this road to recovery. I have learned more about myself that I thought I knew before and I have become more confident in knowing who I am to a greater extent now. I have become stronger mentally, and not to mention physically. I have become more loving towards myself and in turn, to those around me. I have become more sensitive to those who are suffering. I have become more aware of the prevalence of EDs and I have become more enlightened on the direction I’d like to take in life.

I have always known that I would like to help others. In recent years, I have increasingly harboured this desire to go to an economically less developed country and help its women in particular, to learn new skills in order to support themselves as well as put their children through school. At the same time, I know that a part of me may not be able to give up the world of materialism. I guess God kind of figured that out – that I am too used to the good life =x and so He opened up my eyes to the world of EDs so that perhaps I will be able to help others with my story one day – that other girls and guys will not stumble into ED’s lair and if they do, hopefully I will be able to shine some light where they are that they may be able to find their way back out. That’s definitely another reason for me to want to get healthy for.

I think it’s good to remind ourselves the reasons as to why recovery is important. What will recovery bring? Scratch the negative, fearful thoughts because you know they aren’t yours – they’re ED’s. Think about your hopes and dreams, and think about how being healthy is going to aid you further in achieving them. I know that recovery means to me in accomplishing what I’d like to in future, but what does recovery mean to you? Think about it, and if you’d like to, share it with me. Or you can simply share with me what your dreams are in say, 5 or 10 years time. =)

Every great dream begins with a dreamer. Always remember, you have within you the strength, the patience, and the passion to reach for the stars to change the world.
- Harriet Tubman

Good night munchkins!!

xx

It’s Friday the Thirteenth!! I’m not big on superstition but hey! There’s no harm in throwing a little salt over your shoulder (apart from having a ’salty’ floor), or trying not to walk past a black cat from time to time now is there?

Today wasn’t the best of days for me in terms of my mood. I guess what happened yesterday is still hanging over me a little and the wet weather didn’t do much in lifting up my spirits. Furthermore, counting down to the exams isn’t helping much and I can’t help but feel that nothing is going into my head. At times like these, thinking about food instead of schoolwork feels so much more enticing. But that isn’t what the real world is like and this, the exams, being my reality is something I must face up to. As a friend of mine said in her latest email to me, it’s good to ace my exams, but what’s most important is the ability to ace life!

I’m keeping today’s post short and sweet so without further ado, here’s what I put into my tums today!

Breakfast: Apple Sauce with Good Morning Granola x)

Morning Snack: Vanilla Pudding with Toast

Lunch: Glass Noodles in Creamy Spicy Peanut Sauce, with Yellow Peppers, Peas and a Soft-boiled Egg.. was a bit of a flop. =(

Afternoon Snack: Springhill Chocolate & Oats bar. Always thrills me to eat Springhill bars!! SO GOOD!

Dinner: Pumpkin with Roasted Cauliflower, Peas and Carrots, and Toast with Spicy Lentil Spread

Nightcap: Org. Yoghurt with Cashew Butter, Sliced Banana and Manuka Honey

While on my walk with my momma, I recalled this old favourite song of mine and my older brother’s. We used to be crazy about it, playing the song over and over again and singing croaking it at the top of our lungs. I’m not sure how many of you have heard it before but I haven’t heard much about the person who sang this – Joey McIntyre, since… since ages ago! I can still remember just about all the words by heart and I think they are very apt in relating to the place I am in right now and where I want to be.

Stay The Same by Joey McIntyre

Don’t you ever wish you were someone else,
You were meant to be the way you are exactly.
Don’t you ever say you don’t like the way you are.
When you learn to love yourself,
you’re better off by far.
And I hope you always stay the same,
cuz there’s nothin’ ’bout you I would change.

I think that you could be whatever you wanted to be
If you could realize, all the dreams you have inside.
Don’t be afraid if you’ve got something to say,
Just open up your heart and let it show you the way.

Believe in yourself.
Reach down inside.
The love you find will set you free.
Believe in yourself, you will come alive.
Have faith in what you do.
You’ll make it through.

I took out some of the extra choruses and stuff lest it bore you but yeah, I just thought I’d share it with all you favourite bloggers and bloggees (people who read blogs – I made that term up. I’m so creative aren’t I? Lol) of mine!

Anyway, I have to scoot. Gotta sleep early earlier than usual because early to bed, early to rise, makes Nattie Tan happy, healthy, and wise. Right? RIGHT??? Hehe. I hope so. I need my brain to become a sponge tomorrow so that I can soak up all the necessary work needed to be regurgitated during my exams!!

Good night sweet peas!!

“Always be a first-rate version of yourself, instead of a second-rate version of somebody else”
- Judy Garland

xx

Tofu and yoghurt are two very healthy ingredients that can be easily magicked into a cake for the delight o children and calories conscious adults:

Baked Tofu Yoghurt Cake!

INGREDIENTS: For an 18cm-diameter mold

-Plain yoghurst:500g
-Tofu (kinu tofu or soft tofu): 300 g
-Eggs: 2
-Sugar: 80 g
-Flour: 30 g
-Lemon juice: 1 tablespoon

RECIPE:

-Place a sieve over a bowl. Pour the yoghurt in. Let it drain naturally in the refrigerator for a day.

-Place the tofu in a bowl (no need to cover it). Leave it in a microwave oven (500 W) for 3 minutes.
Place a sieve over a bowl. Pour the tofu inside the sieve. Let it drain naturally in the refrigerator for a day.

-Next day, pre-heat oven to to 180 degrees Ceslius.
Throw the yoghurt and tofu water away.
Drop all the ingredients inside a food processor.

-Blend until smooth. Switch off halfway and stir with a spatula to even up the mixture.

-Pour the mixture inside a mold lined upwith cooking paper. Bake at 180 degrees Celsius for 30 minutes.

-Take mold and cake out. Let it cool completely. Chill it inside the refrigerator together.

-Take the cake out of of its mold only when it has chilled well.

-Cut, serve and enjoy!
You can of course serve it with jam and other toppings.
You can also add liqueurs, fruits and so on to the recipe!

RECOMMENDED RELATED SITES:
Bread + Butter
Zoy Zhang
Hungry Neko
Mangantayon
Elinluv Tidbit Corner
Maison de Christina
Chrys Niles
Lexi
Culinary Musings
Eats and Everything
One Frugal Foodie
Bite Me New England
Heather Sweet

——————————–
Please check the new postings at:
sake, shochu and sushi

—————————————-
日本語のブログ
—————————————-

So after breakfast, I headed to James house where he surprised me by saying that we were going shopping for boy stuff instead of lazing around all day. I was not very happy at that, I have a tendency to if I’m at his house refuse to leave his bed (it is very warm and soft and feels so comforting). Either way, we went and we were all starving by the time we got to Oxford Street that we needed food. So I mentioned this french-lebanese place called Comptoir, and so we went there. It was not expensive (£8 per person) and the food was ok, however the service was really crap and the food was quite dry. You needed all the houmous on the falafels instead of a tiny bit just to add more flavour. Sorry for the above picture, I was starving and after taking bites and sips I remembered to take a picture. The flatbread thing in the front is Manouch (I think…) topped with Halloumi cheese, there are falafels in the back and the drink is called Roomana, a flat lemonade made with pomegranate and orange blossom. We then went back to James house where he made me tea and let me sleep as I fell asleep on the bus on the way back to his as I was so tired. When I got home I found this on the kitchen table. Turns out a few amazing companies did not email me about sending me samples but did anyway. So thank you to Navita’s naturals, Manitoba Harvest and Larabar!

So yeah I got hemp protein powder, chocolate hemp milk, hemp seed butter, 4 larabars, acai powder and (unpictures) coconut oil. Unfortunately due to my sister being charged per weight for use of her address, so no more american samples. So yeah if any British health product companies wanna send me samples of stuff to review please please do. Anyway for dinner last night I had a salad, I love this mix of salad, olives, carrot, cucumber, lettuce and sweetcorn. I do not have any dressing at all with this, it tastes awesome as is.

And this gross looking thing is applesauce mixed with chia seeds and left to set. It tasted yum, so maybe ignore how it looks…

And since I had a light dinner, I made popcorn. I figured out popping the kernels into a paper bag and putting it into the microwave for 3 minutes. It needed no oil and was so much easier then using the airpopper. I then sprayed the popcorn with a little olive oil spray and topped it with chili flakes, citric acid and salt. There is a diet vimto on the side. I keep drinking them recently and truly need to stop, I managed to get to a point where I drank no fizzy drinks at all and I need to go back to that. No diet crack still, so I guess I’m good.

Breakfast this morning, tea and pancakes and pomegranate and pineapple. No I am not sick of pomegranate, I truly love them.

A close up as I think my breakfast looked beautiful.

Then me and my mum went shopping and went to pick up my niece. On the way back I ate half a tiny granny smith apple as I was starving. We got home at about 4 and I made myself vegan mac and cheese and my niece had plain pasta. She finally ate some brown pasta. I found this awesome almost brown pasta at Asda, 75% whole wheat, and the rest white. No other ingredients, it’s made for kids so has tiny shapes, little conchiliges. Any way the mac and cheese, for ages I’ve been reading recipes for it, and I finally attempted it. I loved it, I made a random recipe of it tbh. Lots of nutritional yeast and cashews blended with some oatmilk till smooth and some garlic. I then sliced up onion, mushrooms and fried them a bit in some olive oil and added some sweetcorn. I mixed in the sauce and heated it through and then mixed in the pasta. I then left it for a while and ate it. It was good and not chili yet I enjoyed it. It looks a bit of a mess…

But close up it looks a bit less ick. Anyway I loved it, normally mac and cheese makes me feel pukey and ick, but wow it was yum.

I then baked! I made vegan chocolate chip muffins! They were nice, I made them with dark brown unrefined sugar and apple sauce and oil. I liked them, they did turn out a tiny bit not sweet enough and a tiny bit dry. But much much better than my last attempt.

My dinner was a salad and some Aqni and a tiny bit of yoghurt. I had no time to go to the organic store to buy some non sweetened soy milk, so oops. This meal took me half an hour to eat, I swear I eat so slowly yet I am still always hungry.

After dinner I decorated a cake. I made an icing out of sugar, margarine, dessicated coconut and almond flour. Very yum. I guess throwing things together works for me.

I then topped it with sprinkles, I was determined to make myself a pretty cake that was vegan that I actually liked because I did manage to go to Babycakes in New York and was really disappointed. First the place was a hole in the wall, you think for a place that has it’s own recipe book it would be done up and cute and clean. No instead it’s tiny with very rude staff that don’t like it if you stay in the store longer then paying for things unless you are hot tall leggy blondes. Also I got a carrot cupcake, I did like the fact that with every purchase you are asked if you have any allergies. The cake was not very fluffy and was bitter. Sorry for the moaning, I really was quite annoyed as I walked a really long way while ill to get there and the crapness really pissed me off. Maybe my bad mood made me view everything as worse as most people tend to love it.

More cupcake! Sorry this is honestly the first time I have actually liked what I baked and went to the effort of icing it and adding sprinkles.

Close up of icing! I think this the first thing that truly counts as food porn on my blog.

And after a few hours of tv I went and ate two packs of crisps with brown bread. I was good in a way in that I ate brown bread but meh. I think to be truthful I have not actually eaten as much as usual today and yesterday and I think the snack I just had made up for it.

Anyway now to do some ab exercises. A certain lovely blogger is strengthening her core over the next 30 days and I am joining in as my abs need help. So does the rest of me, but baby steps and I think 6 – 10 minutes of abs 5 days a week is baby steps… maybe. I hope I last more than 3 days doing it as I did only last that long on the 30 day shred (although I did get the flu…).

Anyway night night now. Also if I forget to say it, I truly love blogging. I have never felt more accepted and that I am ok as I am, I don’t need to change who I am to fit to someone else’s vision or wants.

Ingredients:
Rice – 1 cup
Curd – 1/2 cup
Salt – to taste
Green chillies – 2 (number can vary as per taste)
Mustard seeds – 1 tsp
Urad Dal – 1 tsp
asafoetida – a pinch
Finely chopped coriander leaves – 1 tbsp
Oil – 1 tsp

Method:
Cook rice till it becomes soft. Allow it to cool. Mash rice thoroughly and mix it well with curd and salt.

For tempering: Heat a teaspoon of oil in a pan.Keep the stove in low flame and add asafoetida, mustard seeds and urad dal. Once mustard splutters and the dal turns light brown in color, add the chopped green chillies. After 10 seconds, add this to the mashed rice.

For Garnishing:  Garnish with chopped coriander leaves. Easy curd rice is good to go. You can also garnish the curd rice with vegetables and fruits of your choice(grated carrots, diced cucumbers, finely chopped ginger, raw mango, pomegranate, green grapes etc..)

Amma’s tip: If you want a mild taste or want to make it once and consume for the next 2 days, you can add about 1/2 a cup of milk.

Every so often, just when I start thinking that I’ve got my head around this whole recovery thing, God decides to give me a little kick up my arse to remind me that complacency is not ideal – not until I AM fully weight restored and have my monthly’s resume its visits to me as before. As of right now, I still am feeling rather sore about what happened this morning.

What happened was that after breakfast…

Breakfast: Sunny-Side Up on Toast with Beetroot Spread

Mum and I headed to Thomson Plaza to get one of my dresses altered. It’s a cheong sam with a modern twist – the one I wore on my 21st birthday when I was horridly sick, but because it cost so much and because I was meaning to wear it for a tentative, upcoming function, I thought it’d be better to have it altered than to throw it away.

When we got to the shop, the seamstress happened to be on medical leave and the other lady who was manning the place said that she could get my ‘measurements’ and have them passed over to the seamstress when she comes back tomorrow. The thing is, I wanted my dress enlarged, not made smaller but the woman kept insisting for me to wear the frikkin’ dress even though I told her that it’d be too tight. Mum was with me and rather than ‘protect’ me, she asked me to put it on rather than have me measured with a measuring tape, and have my clothing altered accordingly.

You can imagine that putting on the dress was downright heart-wrenchingly painful for me knowing that it was tailor-made for me when I was at my sickest. Obviously I’ve put on a good few inches all over since then and seeing the dress hugging my bum for all it was worth, and not being able to get the zip to even budge was horrifying for me. Argh!

As much as I know how much it wasn’t Mum’s fault, I can’t help but feel as if I was coerced in part by her to do something I was reluctant to – despite telling her over and over again that I would not be able to fit into the dress. Anyway, I got so worked up I ended up bawling my eyes out thereafter and decided against leaving my cheong sam in the shop because I’m not quite trusting a person whose idea of taking my measurements is by eyeing how much, or how little, my dress is unable to close on me.

Then came the self-loathing and fat-feelings. I totally felt my appetite fly out the window and didn’t intend on bothering with food for the rest of today. But it looks like God threw me this challenge on purpose. As much as I was seething on the inside, He made me recall exactly what I wrote in yesterday’s post:

“what we do and how we act is a seriously based on mind over matter… it is definitely possible to push ourselves to wake up each morning, and tell ourselves that there can be NO negotiations whatsoever with ED with regards to meal times. It is definitely possible to tell ED to butt out of our lives because our body does not belong to ED and therefore, it is not entitled to have any say on how it should be treated, or mistreated rather.”

With immense will-power and with God by my side, I somehow managed to pull myself together. I had my morning snack finally at 1pm (my usual lunch time)…

'Morning' Snack: Clif Chocolate Chip Bar

before starting on lunch.

Lunch: Zucchetti with Mushrooms, Mince, Cottage Cheese, Mozzarella and topped with Wheatgerm

It was tempting to skip out on the cheese but I was pretty excited about starting on the mozzarella that Dad and I bought on Tuesday that I had to go through with it or end up disappointing myself. Lunch was good though, I have to admit, and I’m glad I stuck with the cheese. =)

In a way, what helped me most today was the fact that I have learned that I have to walk to talk. Whatever I say on this blog has to be translated into actions, which is why I have all of you to thank!! x) I know that without this blog, I would not feel the need to be this accountable for my actions and today would probably have been a total, utter flop.

I am still trying to nurse this bitterness that ED has brought upon me. It wasn’t the best experience of my life what happened today, but at least I made it through and that means that I am stronger than I was this morning. It means another victory won over ED. As much as I wish today could have unfolded differently, I cannot turn back the clock. What I can do is look at this event in a positive light, and know that in future, I will not do anything against my wishes that I know will make me feel uncomfortable about my body.

“So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.”
- Isaiah 41:10

Today taught me that I have become mentally stronger over the last few months. While the temptation to allow ED to reign over me was seriously tempting, knowing that restricting my food intake would not be a solution to my distress made me press on with the help of God’s guiding hand, Mum and Dad, and the support of all of you of course! I guess sometimes it is so much easier to see the grey clouds than it is to spot a rainbow, you know what I mean? But I’m glad I managed to see it, even if I had to strain my eyes at first. Hehe.

AnyhoOo, I hope all of you had a much smoother day than I did! If not, let’s keep in mind that tomorrow WILL be a better day!

Oh right! I almost forgot!! Here are the rest of today’s munchies:

Afternoon Snack: Cadbury's Mixed Nuts Chocolate Bar which was rather stingy with the nuts =(

Dinner: Sweet Potato with Roasted Yellow Peppers, Roasted Eggplant Rounds and Mince with Peas.

Nightcap: Stonyfield Strawberry Yoghurt with Waffles

“Life is not the way it’s supposed to be. It’s the way it is. The way you deal with it is what makes the difference.”
-Virginia Sati

*hugs* & *kisses*
xoxo

Hi guys!

I have to make this snappy unfortunately because I need to head out to the airport asap! Luckily lunch today kept me feeling full full full, however I was feeling pretty blah all day with stomach pain and indigestion and didn’t feel like my apple or the crackers. I felt like Schmears vegan slice, so I went and got some and had that at about 3pm – nuked for 20 seconds. Mmmmmm heaven!

Now that kept me nicely full throughout my walk to the optometrist to pick up my trial contact lenses and then home by about 6pm. Once home I had a little snack of a corn thin with hummos

I love Deli Dipz hummos – if you can find it at Woolies, it is so lemony!

Then I did my usual lower body strength moves – plies, squats and lunges, pressed some tofu and did this 20 minute yogajournal.com freebie while my tofu baked.

I was thinking about a tofu stir-fry all day! I made a simple sauce to bake the tofu in – 1 T peanut butter, 2 T boiling water, some chilli flakes, pinch of garlic and ginger powders. I sliced the tofu up really thin and then once cooked, cut each piece into 3. Total cooking time for the tofu was about 15 mins each side but my oven is not fan forced.

On the veggie side I used:

• 2 cloves of garlic
• 1 medium carrot
• 1/2 a bunch of kai-lan
• 1 medium red chilli
• 4 spears asparagus
• 1/2 a corn cobb
• 1/2 a small head of broccoli

No salt!

This was so delicious! It made 2 huge serves as well so I will most likely take it for lunch unless Adam is hungry tonight.

I also had a beer because it’s stinking hot here in Perth and I needed refreshment .

For dessert I just had a spot of Barambah yoghurt and a handful of Vogel’s grain clusters.

On that note, I’ve gotta fly! See you in the morning. 

PS. Sanitarium finally replied today and the Natural Peanut Butter has NOT been discontinued! They are still making it but Woolies has stopped stocking it (why??). They said Coles should have it (just not the ones around me – grrrrrr) but I’ve emailed back to ask if they can tell me some Coles stores in WA where it is definitely stocked!

“Life is full of beauty. Notice it. Notice the bumble bee, the small child, and the smiling faces. Smell the rain, and feel the wind. Live your life to the fullest potential, and fight for your dreams”
- Ashley Smith

I was incredibly thrilled to read about all your childhood memories, so many of which I could totally identify with. The past always seems so magical doesn’t it? Although all our experiences from our younger days may be different, one thing is for sure – We were all children once and we all have at least one fond memory of those times. x) At the same time though, I’m sure that one day, we will look back to where we are now and find ourselves reminescing about this ‘past’ as well. And you know what? Each of you are part of my history – etched in my heart and my mind forever such that when I do think of today in the future, I will be smiling, thinking of all of you and wondering how things may be going for you. I’ll be wondering whether you are all living your dreams, whether you are all happy and whether you are all healthy.

Breakfast: Scrambled Eggs with Mexican-Styled Beans

Each morning, I wake up and God whispers in my ear that I am stronger than I was yesterday. He tells me that He will be with me every step of the way, in all the tasks that I undertake. I mean, obviously God doesn’t talk to me literally, but I can feel His presence in my heart.

Morning Snack: Stonyfield Blueberry Yoghurt with LC Cheese and Wheatgerm - Think: Blueberry Cheesecake? x)

There are still moments where I feel a little insecure about where I am physically right now. However, each time those thoughts creep up, I make myself think about whether I want health and happiness, or misery and illness. Of course, the answer is obvious. Yet, when ED comes out to play, it screws with the mind alright!

Lunch: Roasted Sweet Peppers Sandwich with Sprouts, Beetroot and Lentil Spread. Haricot Verds on the side.

You know what though? When I forced myself this afternoon to sit down in my room and focus on doing some revision for the first time since semester began – and with the exams starting in a mere 10 days(!!), it made me realise that oftentimes, what we do and how we act is a seriously based on mind over matter.

Afternoon Snack: Springhill Lemon & Yoghurt Bar!! MmM Mmmmm..

I mean, if we are able to push ourselves to do and accomplish so much in life – be it running a marathon, sailing the high seas, or simply revising for an exam; if we can push ourselves beyond boundaries initially set for ourselves, then it is definitely possible to push ourselves to wake up each morning, and tell ourselves that there can be NO negotiations whatsoever with ED with regards to meal times. It is definitely possible to tell ED to butt out of our lives because our body does not belong to ED and therefore, it is not entitled to have any say on how it should be treated, or mistreated rather.

Dinner: Butternut Squash with Roasted Red Peppers, Mushrooms, Salsa & Chicken Slices on Toast

Sure, the rewards reaped from nourishing our bodies may not be felt immediately, especially at the beginning. I remember all too well those feelings of uneasiness, disgust, distress that used to plague me. As with all feelings though, they passed. And they would reappear. Only to disappear again. The thing is, even normal people have ‘fat’ days, ‘ugly’ days, ‘bad hair’ days, but they pass and somehow, we all survive those days. Right now, relishing the fact that on more days than none, I am filled with optimism and joy which make recovery so worthwhile. It makes me all the more eager to gain my last few kilos so that I will no longer have to be tied to the hospital and have my life revolve around appointments to see V, Dr. Lee and June despite how much I have grown to love them. Lol.

Nightcap: Organic Yoghurt with Crunch Time PB & Vanilla PB, with a plum to go along!

I pray each and every day that all of us – you and I, will be able to look back 10, 20 years from now and reflect upon the strength we have learned exists within us – The strength to pull out of whatever situation we happen to be in, be it an eating disorder, bipolar disorder, depression… And with all my heart, I pray that we will all be living our dreams, leading happy, healthy, fulfilling lives!

“Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending”
- Maria Robinson

Going to bed with an immense amount of love for you all!!

Good Night!!
xx

Hi guys!

Good day today, busy and fast – 10 work days left! Yip yip! Ended nicely with a good gym session and now I am stuffed (belly and body). As I was walking home from work I was talking myself out of a workout tonight… but I managed to beat the negative thoughts. I had planned to go to Spinning tongiht but I think I just didn’t feel like being cooped up in the dark stinky room. So I just did my own thing at the gym and I am super glad I went (aren’t we always ).

So my workout tonight consisted of cardio:

• 30 minutes Elliptical intervals – Levels 13 and 11
• 10 minutes seated bike intervals – Levels 5 and 3

and abs:

• 50 normal crunches
• 50 reverse crunches
• 20 oblique crunches each side
• 1 minute bicycle twists
• 50 leg and arm overhead extensions
• 1 minute plank on feet
• 1 minute plank on knees

Ahhhhh, it was tough, but great!

Lunch today was salad. In this mix was lettuce mix, cherry tomatoes, cucumber, jalapenos  

and I added a can of tuna and some delish salsa.

Snackies were a banana and Freedom bar in the morning and the apple in the afternoon.

I was so hungry again today. I’m not sure why I’ve been so hungry this week. By the time I get home at 5ish I am dying of hunger! I hate getting to that point because that it when you eat the entire contents of the pantry and fridge! It’s like either my breakfasts or lunches just aren’t cutting it at the moment… I’m going to try a sandwich tomorrow and see if that keeps me full for longer. Anyway, so that I wouldn’t eat my arm off before the gym I made myself a big snack.

A slice of wholemeal toast with about 1 T of PB.

Plus a good serve of cottage cheese for protein. Not together obviously – eew.

Once back from my workout I made a quick, easy and yummy dinner. This is an Eatwell Mediterranean burger nuked with tomato paste and a little mozzarella on top. I guess you could call it a veggie parmigana! Plus a corn cob, some broccoli and a courgette. I only ate 1/2 the corn because I got full but stuffed the rest down.

There is always room for dessert! Tonight was the last of my raspberries and some cherries, nuked for 60 seconds with a couple of tiny scoops of Barambah non fat yoghurt.

So sweet and healthy! Give me berries for dessert over cake and chocolate any day . Just watched Masterchef – LOVE IT. Why can’t it be on every night, beats most of the rubbish on telly at the moment. 

Off to read, have a great night .