I was in the basement of my parents house. It was the NBA on NBC. It was the year after my Milwaukee Bucks got jobbed out in Game 7 (Putting Sam Cassell in foul trouble allowed for Allen Iverson going off). But if I was able to relax through Horace Grant fouling Kevin Johnson in the NBA Finals, and Michael Jordan getting one last offensive foul ignored as he pushed off on Byron Russell, I could fade my home team getting the shaft.

But in 2002, I broke up with the NBA. And I can pinpoint it down to the exact moment. It was like when I was watching Patriot Games and decided that Seth MacFarlane was nothing more than a hack who is in firm belief that his shit never stank. Put it this way, this was the minutes that felt like hours which took only seconds.

Lets set the scene. Game 6, the Lakers have found themselves on road to ruin. Sacramento, after many failings to win a series versus LA, (and were up 3-2 in this series) had led for most of the game, but suddenly? The Lakers started getting sent to the line, and had the lead. The Kings needed a stop. And with Mike Bibby on Kobe Bryant this play happened.

Kobe got trapped to the sideline. Bibby was covering him like a champion. Suddenly, Kobe swings his elbow and Bibby falls.

Dick Bavetta called the foul on Bibby.

I didn’t know the exact whys and wherefores statistically (27 4th quarter free throws for the Lakers), I didn’t know if there was a lack of twisted steel and sex appeal in a matchup between Chris Webber and Jason Kidd. I didn’t know that David Stern has the personality of Alan Dershowitz and the crulety of Michael Vick at Bad News Kennels. I just knew that the refs were corrupt, the Kings got jobbed, and I was done.

So why am I sharing this? It’s three hundred words on a phantom foul. There has to be a reason, right?

Well, yeah. Tim Dongahy says that two officials fixed this game. I’m not saying this to be surprised. It just feels nice to be right.

The Epicness comes later…

YOU HAVE MY AXE!

AND MY BOW!

ELVI!

Simply put it’s the best educational and informative movie about child sexual abuse ever.

BEST….TRAILER…EVER!!!!!

NEVER! EVER! SPILL PAINT IN THE GARAGE!

Max Weinberg in the early years…HAVE A COOKIE!

Is that what the kids call ‘NAMBLA”?

Is that MARIO LOPEZ???!!!

NEVER WATCH BETA WITH THE STEPDAD! THAT’S SICK!!! AND I TRUSTED YOU!

NEVER EVER CLEAN THE ATTIC!  THAT IS NOT FOR ME!

Don’t become a victim and know the signs people!

Best video ever.

ELVI!

Elvi!

This kid deserves your comments and views.

UPDATE: Looks like the man committed e-suicide on Video #10. Too bad he didn’t on his earlier works.

HE’S WEARING A WRISTBAND!

Elvi!

err Comedy GOLD!!!

Conan and Jordan Schlansky!

enjoy,

ELVI!

We will see…

AWESOME!

I always thought that smell yo dick! meant you needed a shower.
 

Granderson:  I’MMMMMM BAAAAAACCCCKKKK!! YAY!!!

Tonight, the Tigers of the city named Detroit played an aggressive game of baseball against the Rangers of Texas.  This was no ordinary game of baseball, for you see; Curtis “100 Grand” Granderson made his triumphiant return to Motown! 

Granderson:  I totally rock! LOL!

Granderson, with the city of Detroit firmly behind him; went 2-4 with two singles and 2 RBI’s.  Curtis Granderson is the catalyst for the Tigers.  As their lead off hitter, Granderson gives the Tigers the speed and man on base they’ve needed for the last three weeks.  On a team loaded with big hitters, Granderson is the cranberry sauce in a can for the Tiger’s Thanksgiving dinner.  Curtis is the glue that makes everything delicious and awesome about this year’s Detroit Tigers!

Cranberry Sauce:  RESPECT ME!  I MAKE THINGS DELICOUS!

Major League Baseball really, really needs to take notice of Mr. 100 Grand and begin promoting him and his awesome ways.  He could easily become the next Ken Griffey Jr.  Think about it this way Mr. Selig, when Curtis Granderson was doing his rehab starts in Grand Rapids, Michigan the team sold an additional 3000 tickets. 

All I can say is this, Thank you Curtis Granderson for making me care about the 2008 baseball season again!

ELVI!

You make really, really good music videos.  I present to you

The Bird and the Bee,”Polite Dance Song”

You will never find me…unless you know who I be?

Elvi “Will there ever be a rainbow?” Patterson!

I’m taking a hiatus for the long weekend.  It’s not like anyone will miss but alas, I will return to Michigan BEARDLESS!  I will take pics but show you?  I will not. 

I will probably look like this when I return.

I will be so cool looking that I will grow a monocle and assist myself with a snappy cane for it is indeed cane using weather outside. 

While I’m gone you may enjoy the posting styles of Andrew.

Also, why are men always leaving the toilet seat up?

GO KANSAS! AND TIGERS OPENING DAY ON MONDAY!

ELVI!

He is better in every way.

one more week till i’m back in NYC/NJ to honor that I present to you.

A Child who is punker than Danzig ever could be.

Enjoy!

ELVI!

Gather round kids,  the end times are fast approaching. 

The winner of this year’s NCAA Tournament is:

The Kansas Jayhawks!

Why?  well it’s easy.  They’re so under the radar that even Siena thinks they’re nobody.  So they easily won the big 12 conference, they only beat a Kevin Durantless Texas.  After all, if Wisconsin can beat them, they must suck, right?  Yes……and NO!  I mean everyone knows that Kansas doesn’t have a breakout freshman like their in-state rival Kansas State (Micheal Beasley for those not in the know). 

But lo, Kansas does have a weapon.  There is something that is stronger than a powerhouse freshman.  That is Mario Chalmers; better known as Superintendent ( or Super-nintendo) Chalmers

Steamed Hams huh?

One weapon is never enough.  You always need back-up…wingmen, if you will.  Thankfully Kansas has two grade A wingmen in Brandon Rush and Darrell Arthur.  These titans of cockblocking will ensure that you end up with the one you call and that one will sexxor the fat chick.

 But really, when it comes down to it; players don’t really matter when it comes to Kansas winning the NCAA tournament.  It all boils down to good luck and karma.  Kansas has gooey jumbo sized tubs of good karma in the transfatty goodness that is Mark Mangino!

Mark Mangino is the fat guy in a little coat.   When Mangino does the truffle shuffle, the Amish in Lancaster,PA know their crops will be bountiful.  Mark Mangino brought Kansas Football into actual relevance this past year, and he will ensure with each greasy bite of his corndog of justice that the Jayhawks will be the victors in this year’s NCAA tournament.

Learn it, know it, live it.

ELVI!

YOU…RULE…

ELVI!

OH NO! RUN!

There is a reason why I titled this post with a quote from Shakespeare/The Simpsons.  I’m still coping with the loss of Green Bay’s fortunate son, Brett Farve.  There is a way I’ve come to grips with this staggering loss in the frozen tundra. 

I will put on my hipster English Major hat and compare Farve to Literature’s greatest lines from novels and plays!

Please to note: my elegant English Major hat!  

A Farewell To Arms – Ernest Hemingway (shotgun enthusiast )

“But after I had got them out and shut the door and turned off the light it wasn’t any good. It was like saying good-bye to a statue. After awhile I went out and left the hospital and walked back to the hotel in the rain.”

One can make the comparison that Brett Farve is the protagonist Frederic Henry; a hard boozing sort who’s love interest Miss Barkley ( The Packers) dies. Frederic Henry has no choice but to leave them with nothing but his memories and a piece of him, that is gone forever.

HOORAY!

Elvi!

 SPORTS!

If you watched Saturday Night Live on saturday,  and I really hope you didn’t.  Then you know that Fred Armisen played Barack Obama and it was horrible.  It was beyond horrible it was one of the worst impersonations I’ve ever seen. 

Thankfully there is a cure.  Jordan Carlos!

WATCH AND VOTE!

Elvi!

Ever since I have grown a beard that is the envy of every 8th grade boy, my sixth sense or as I call it,”The Grizzly Adams Connection” has become heightened.  This has really helped me scour the sports world for the greatest beards in the land.  After looking for the best bearded sports stars I have come up with a top 3.

Elvi Patterson’s Bearded Brothers!

Ozzie Smith!

If you don’t like Ozzie Smith then there is something seriously wrong with you.  Besides the back flips and being the typical american tourist; Ozzie is what made baseball legendary in the 1980’s and early 90’s.  Even for a non cardials fan like myself, Ozzie Smith was the only reason to go to Bush Stadium (besides the fact that you just toured the St. Louis Arch and found their elevators too eeriely like toilet seats.) 

Few people know this but Ozzie Smith was fueled not by ampethamine’s or steroids.  Nay, The Wizard Of Oz was fueled by Beard Power.  The coarse facial hair that lived on the face of Ozzie Smith gave him the ability to do backflips and become animated on cue.  Also, the beard was manly, yet handsome.  It was so handsome that even now Walt “Clyde” Frasier would never say to Ozzie,”NO PLAY FOR MR. GRAY!”

Sadly, Ozzie Smith hasn’t been seen since visiting Springfield’s “Spot Of Mystery“.

Baron Davis!

First off, the power of the beard is strong in this jedi.  It defeated Dirk and the Mavericks.  Plus, when you look at the photo you know that Baron Davis is indeed Miami Vicetastic!  He is the epitome of Glenn Frey’s “The Heat Is On!” only you must change the words to “The Beard Is On” or to put in simplistic terms The B Is O!  The only way Baron Davis could be cooler is if he did a book tour where all he did was read Berenstain Bears books!

Let’s make Baron Davis the Spokesman for BOOK-IT!

JOHN GRIZZLY! (OVER THE TOP!)

John Grizzly is the best part about the greatest movie ever! About ARM WRESTLING!  OVER THE TOP!  John Grizzly proves to the average man that by growing a manly man’s beard you can ingest oil and gain robot powers!  I mean, how can a manly bearded man drink oil? The answer is simple; The BEARD! By having a beard you have the ability to get into your enemies’ heads! A beard will give you an intense appearance that will be reinforced by the fact that you can swallow lit cigars! There is nothing more metal than being Arm Wrestling’s Ted Kaczynski!

NO RETREAT! NO SURRENDER!

Love the beard you’re in,

ELVI!

Do you know who this is?

If you do, you’re probably a huge sports fan.  For those who aren’t in the know, the girl pictured above is Erin Andrews.  Ms. Andrews works for a cable channel called ESPN as a sideline reporter.  Unlike most sideline reporter’s, Erin Andrews is actually good at her job; she gets interesting facts and does a good interview.  There is something about Ms. Andrews that other sideline reporters dont’ have.

Erin Andrews has male sports fans and bloggers by the balls because she has The “IT” Factor!

What is,”IT“?  Honestly, I don’t know.  In fact noone knows, but when you have,”IT“ you’re the hit of the search party.  The French call it Je Nais Se Quoi, but screw that, we all know from, “Scared Straight” that speaking American is the only acceptable language.

I honestly don’t understand the whole fanboyism encircling Ms. Andrews.  The most obvious reason is because I don’t prefer blondes, but I do sorta understand why she is attractive.  She’s stunning in the same way Anne Hathaway is.

Basically, Erin Andrews and Anne Hathway are very, very easy on the eyes.  Both are stand outs at their jobs.  I think the biggest thing going for them is that they are classy in a classless world.  Erin Andrews doesn’t posture around like some cheap floozy or dress like that one night stand you had who had a tramp stamp of the Rugrats.   Anne Hathaway can and should be considered the new Audrey Hepburn  You will never see her in a movie with Dane Cook and she won’t go crotchless as much as we all hope (unless you’ve seen HAVOC!).

Finally, to all the guys who have a fetish for Erin Andrews take note.  You are oogling a woman who has grace and confidence; please don’t comment about how you’d drink her bathwater or something really creepy in that vein.

ELVI!

McNamee, Roger Clemen’s trainer; may have told congress that he injected Roger Clemen’s wife with HGH. I’m amazed actually. This PR battle is getting dirty and gritty, much like Amy Winehouse.

to show you what is being speculated I’ll do a simple mathematical equation.

Roger Clemens

+

DEBBIE CLEMENS

X (TIMES)

ASS NEEDLES!

= (equals)

I hope that tomorrow we find out McNammee injected Clemen’s dog with HGH. Also, we have unconfirmed reports of Roger Clemens buying and using Steve Martin’s Penis Beauty Cream!

Use cream for a lovelier, more luxurious, softer penis.  These reports are based on Clemens’ housekeeper receiving a brown package that had the words,‘NOT PENIS CREAM!” imprinted on the box. 

God, I love pre-spring training baseball!

ELVI!

Before I begin my main point and arguments therein, I feel that I should give some background information on myself.  I’ve been a fan of SPORTS! since I was a child.  I remember with glee going to a live sporting event with my family and fun was had by all.  Even though I still attend sporting events with passion and eagerness, there is one aspect of SPORTS! that I know needs to be saved.

MUSIC!

How many times have you gone to a sporting event and had the experience ruined by BAD MUSIC!? How many times have you had to deal with people who have bad taste in music? 

Bad music ruins everything in life.  Thankfully there are people out there fighting the good fight!

But sporting events need to stop promoting BAD MUSIC!  There are steps we can do to ensure that BAD MUSIC does not ruin another sporting event.

Step 1!  Sporting Events will cease playing the following songs:  Who Let the dogs out, The Macarena, Anything by Queen, and of course, Cotton Eyed Joe.

By ensuring the banning of these horrendous songs we will reduce our bad music noise pollution by 80%.

Step 2!:  Sports stadium shall not hire any musical act that has a fanbase of either 8-16 yr old girls or…35-65 yr old men and women.  All musical acts that have underage fanbases are notorious for being manufactored and inherently bad music.  All musical acts that have been around enough to have old people as their fans are so lame and old that it is beyond sad to watch them preform.  As we all know, Ringo Starr is horrible and anything Britney Spears has done since Feb 2007 is cooler than anything Eric Clapton HAS EVER DONE!

There will be more steps as I see fit and you can add more steps in the comments below.

Together, we can help destory Bad Music!

ELVI!

Recently, Domino’s pizza has combined forces with ESPN to create ESPN Shorts! Read all about it. Courtesy of Awful Announcing. As one can imagine they’re awful and painful at the same time.

I really don’t know what’s sadder, the actors in these shorts or the fact that an ad firm and ESPN thought that these commericals were HIGH LARIOUS!

Don’t believe that they’re awful? watch in pain for yourself.

Yes! Patriots overkill!

HOCKEY IS THE MOST POPULARS SPORT EVER! Even a peguin can’t save the funny.

We should all learn from this, because obviously, we didn’t learn from, “WHO’S NOW!?”

ELVI!

Conan O’Brian is the doing the best job with his show since the writer’s strike. 

GET THE LED OUT AND SAVE SOME LINCOLN!

ELVI!

Big, big props to Animal Planet! They’re the saviours of awesome! These brillant folks started this amazing new event that in 30 years will be bigger than the NFL’s Super Bowl.  The Puppy Bowl is comprised of this nation’s greatest four legged all-stars.  These combatants of the squeaky toy, these tyrants of the water dish, will prove to all Americans (especially single women over 35, and effeminate heterosexual men) That,”Puppy Power” isn’t just some horrible catchphrase coined by an awful gimmick.

Scrappy Doo:  The worst gimmick of a horrible show!

We’re not here to discuss bad gimmicks; nay, we’re here to give the people what they want.  More cute puppies doing stuff!

2008’s PUPPY BOWL OFFENSIVE LINE-UP!

Abigail  (Wide-Receiver)
Breed: Parson Russell Terrier (aka Jack Russell Terrier)

The front runner for the MVP! (Most Valuable Puppy!)  Speculations run wild about how Abigail came into our world.  Some say that Abigail is a direct descendent of Jack Londons’ fictional heros’ White Fang and Buck (Call Of The Wild)  Others say that Abigail simply IS and always has been.  There is no doubt, however, that if you have Abigail run the slant, touch-downs will rain like chocolate! (OH NOS! DOGS CAN’T EAT CHOCOLATE!)

Attucker   (Running Back)
Breed: Beagle

The Brave Little Toaster of running backs.  Attucker adhers to the golden rule,’NO RETREAT! NO SURRENDER!’  Those in the know treat Attucker as a conundrum, wrapped in an engima, dropped into a martini. 

Bingo  (Quarterback)
Breed: American Staffordshire Terrier/ American Pit Bull Mix

I really, really want to like Bingo.  He’s got a tough background and he’s played in the big games.  But, all this talk of Bingo being the,”Golden Boy”, and noone has forgotten the whole squirrel/pigeon fighting ring in his doghouse (hint: Pigeons fight dirty!). Leads me to branding Bingo,”The Parker Lewis Can’t Lose!” of the puppy bowl.  You may be awesome, but all I really remember about you is THE KUBE!

Bruin (Lineman)
Breed: Alaskan Malamute

All you need to know about Bruin is this,‘DUDE, LIKES TO PARTY!”

Cali  (Lineman)
Breed: Shih Thu

This is the Gary Busey of Linemen.  If you knock on Cali, there will an apocalyptic firestorm that you will never recover from.   Seriously, DO NOT F**K WITH CALI! I’m only saying this because the last time Cali got messed with; the consequences involved vice grips and Grecco-Roman Oil Wrestling.

Cody  (Tight-End)
Breed: American Cocker Spaniel/Poodle Mix (AKA cockapoo)

Cody is better than Jeremy Shockey.  Seriously.  Ask Eli.

P.S.

Eli wants you to know that Cockapoo is his favorite name ever!  GET IT!?

Colt  (Lineman)
Breed:  Bernese Mountain Dog

Colt is the cutest player on the gridiron.  Don’t be fooled by his charm though.  Colt’s mother is better known as,”Air Bud”.  This only means one thing, if there is a slam-dunk contest during this puppy bowl.  Put your money on Colt!

Deliah (Lineman)
Breed: Shepard Mix

Deliah is tougher than Mr. T in Rocky III.  Why?  Simple, after that pussified love song by Plain White T’s came out.  Everyone in the locker room started calling Deliah and asking him what it’s like in New York City.  Suffice to say, being mocked makes Deliah mad! GRRRRR!

Dixie  (Wide-Receiver)
Breed:  Golden Retriever

This is not your Randy Moss type Receiver.  Nay, this is your Jerry Rice type Receiver!  You can count on Dixie in the clutch.  The fans know him simply as ,”Golden Jesus”.  Also, Dixie’s Samba is sheer magic and his Rumba leaves all aghast and wanting more.

Elle  (Full Back)
Breed:  Havanse

Elle makes Mike Tyson scared like a little white bitch.  Want more proof of her ferocity?  Her owner is Bea Arthur.

Ellie-Mae (Center)
Breed:  Saint Bernard/Shepard Mix

It’s been rumoured that Ellie-Mae has a drinking problem.  That’s just because she’s half Saint Bernard.  What is true is that she is prone to making Charles Grodin crazy and she’s dating another Saint Bernard named Mozart.

Emma  (Running Back)

Breed:  Parson Russel Terrier

Emma is fast.  Like, Telegram fast!  Also, you can count on Emma to watch,”Monk” with your parents while you slip out to a bar. 

The Puppy Bowl will be more entertaining than the Super Bowl.  Seriously. The Half-Time show alone is worth watching!

ELVI!