I went outside yesterday to indulge in a foul, foul habit, when I noticed this present had been left for me in my ashtray:

I was quite surprised, as waffles aren’t usually what I find in there…  Josh and I talked about it a bit and we concluded that one of two things had happened.  Zippy, my little grey squirrel who lives in the pine tree outside our place, had likely either dropped it accidentally in to the ashtray as he scampered along the eaves trough(Josh’s idea),  or, as he seems to like me, he left it for me as a gift(my idea).  I didn’t want to insult him, you know, just in case he HAD left it for me specifically, so I tucked it away out of sight.  This morning, though, I was sitting in front of the living room window, and who do I see at the base of the tree, but little Zippy, eating something.  He saw me looking at him, and dropped what he was eating, paused, then ran away.  Josh checked it out on his way out to work…. it was the 4th piece of the waffle!  (if you didn’t notice, my piece is three quarters of a belgian waffle… all stuck together for some reason)  Just now, Zippy was in the big tree above me, so I found the waffle from the ashtray and threw it over the fence for him.  He came down to get it, and with a little chitter had disappeared in to his teensy little nest.  Ahh Zippy, how I enjoy your escapades!

Very cold, snowy night here in NYC…

Biggest snow storm I’ve had the pleasure of experiencing since moving here!  The streets are gorgeous and I adore the Christmas lights  fighting to glow from nearby apartments.   It’s a true white-out and couldn’t be more beautiful. Very content – nestled by my Christmas tree, watching Christmas movies, eating Christmas cookies, coupled with some interview prep.

Lots going on in the outside world…some very hard things to cope with, but snow….the first fresh blanket of the year….brings peace.  Take a minute to feel it!

Hope wherever you are, you are warm.

Last few days of starring as “Zippy The Elf” begin tomorrow.  Be sure to get a visit in!

-Zippy

What would you like to know about Elfing?

I mentioned that Zach had an appointment with his psychiatrist in this post, but I never updated you on it.  At that appointment we told the psychiatrist about the big ol fits Zach was throwing several times a day.  After hearing all about our latest issues, the psychiatrist decided that the behaviors we were seeing were all caused by his anxieties.  He was feeling so anxious all the time that he was literally on the edge constantly, and any little thing that was unexpected or undesirable would push him over that edge into a big ol crazy fit.

She wanted to medicate for his anxieties and see if that helped him.  So she prescribed Zoloft, an antidepressant.  The kid is so medicated already, but if this medicine will give him some peace back in his life, then we were eager to do it!  We started him off on a low dose and then increased it after a week.  It didn’t take long at all for his huge fits to subside.  Now, let me assure you, he was still throwing fits, but they were more like the normal fits that kids throw. Big improvement very quickly.  I was a happy Mama. . .  for a few days . . .

But then I started noticing some disturbing behaviors.  The doctor had warned me to watch out for any manic behaviors, and if I saw any then I was to take him to ER for inpatient care.  Sometimes starting a child on an antidepressant may bring out some mania that is there but hasn’t been noticed before.  The doctor even mentioned Bipolar Disorder, which sounds like a very scary diagnosis that I hope we avoid.  Especially since we don’t know Zach’s birth family psych history, then she had no idea if we would see manic behaviors.  (In Bipolar Disorder or schizophrenia, the manic side is the happy, up-side as compared to the depressive side.)

Zach was very chatty, jumping randomly from one topic to another sometimes in mid-sentence.  He was having a hard time pronouncing some words or thinking of some words because his thoughts were coming so fast and his mouth (which already had some issues) was trying to keep up.

He was (and still is) nearly unbearably annoying.  Just literally out of control.  Yelling, chanting, hitting, bumping into everything, jumping on our backs.  He was very disrespectful, laughing or shouting, “NO!” when asked to do something.  But it was somehow obvious that he wasn’t meaning to be disrespectful; it was literally out of his control.

And he talked about death several times.  The doctor had mentioned that as a possibility, but I honestly couldn’t even imagine what that would look like in an 8 year old.  But Zach, in his chattyness in one conversation told me several different ways that you could die playing sports.  Most of those were hypothetical about just a person, but he did also make it a little more personal in one conversation explaining a scenario that could kill him.  And there were several other conversations about death that he had with me.  It just seemed weird and random.  It wasn’t really even alarming or morbid or anything, but it did make me think about the doctor mentioning “talk of death.”

When I asked Zach’s teacher what she was noticing, she reported that he couldn’t pay attention or sit still at all.  ”It’s almost like he’s nervous,” she said.

So I called the doctor and told her what we were seeing.  After hearing the details, she decided to wean him off of the Zoloft — it’s not a good medicine for him.  Today is the last day he will take the medicine.  We will see the doctor tomorrow and see what she says and see which medicine we will try next.

She said the medicine will still be in his system for 3 or 4 days.  He is still out-of-control annoying, bless his heart!  And he has had a few big fits and is crying more easily than usual.  I suppose it’s all part of coming off of the medicine.

<sigh>  It’s all just part of the journey.  And Zach is totally worth whatever it takes!!

Ok.  I can’t wait til tomorrow to post my last adoption journal entry because National Adoption Month ends today.  So, for your reading pleasure, here’s the last installment (for now) of Adoption Journal entries. . . .  It is dated June 1st, 2001.

SHE LIKES US!!!!  She wants to meet us!  She has pretty much chosen us but wants to meet us!

She has school-age children who don’t even know she was pregnant, and she wants to keep it that way.  We will go next week during the day while the kids are in school.  We will meet Miss C, the birthmom, and then go meet the baby in the hospital.

He gained a little weight so the doctors are optimistic and think they will possibly release him in 10 days!  And it is probable that he will come home with US at that time!  We have some work to do and some diapers to buy!!

Lord, if this is the one, then let it happen!  Thank you, Lord!!

And then, 3 days later is the very last (very short) entry:

The meeting is set.  We are going Thursday morning to Detroit to meet Miss C and then to meet Baby Boy Glenn!!

Well, as it ended up, we got a call the night before our planned meeting.  The agency informed us that the baby would be released from the hospital the next day and wondered if we wanted to bring him home.

Did we want to bring him home??!! Well, YEAH!!!!!

Oh, my.  We quickly (with the help of some very dear friends) bought diapers and some clothes and some formula.  And another friend came over and set up the crib!  We worked until late into the night, but we got it all done.

And the next day, on Thursday June 7, 2001 we drove the 2 hours to Detroit.

We met Miss C at the adoption agency and really liked her.  She was so sweet but so sad and so thankful.  Her main request was that we make sure the baby always knows that she loves him very much.  We did our best to assure her that we would love her baby forever and would take good care of him.  We tried to express our thankfulness and gratitude and humble spirit at being chosen to adopt her newborn. And in a very short 1/2 hour meeting we tried to find out as much stuff about her as possible, not knowing if we’d ever see her again:  She thought the movie Titanic was too long and ridiculous and stupid.  We laughed at her description of it!  She ate lots of spaghetti while she was pregnant.  It was her favorite food.  Her dad has diabetes. . . .

After saying goodbye to the very lady who carried and birthed our son-to-be, we went straight to the hospital – to the NICU – to meet our son.

He was tiny!!  He was very tiny!!!  We held him and rocked him and fed him a bottle.  We took photos of our new baby and of the nurses who had cared for him for 3 and a half weeks.  And then we dressed him. The preemie clothes we brought for him swallowed his little 4 pound body right up!  Then we waved goodbye to the nurses and the social worker and walked out with our precious baby boy, Zachary Aaron.

And that’s the nutshell version of our adoption story.  <sigh>  Love it!  Love it!

For National Adoption Month, I’m sharing my journal from when we adopted 8 and a half years ago.  This entry is dated May 31, 2001 and is the day we first learned about Baby Boy Glenn — our Zachary!

There is a birthmother scheduled to see our profile tomorrow afternoon.  The baby is already born; he’s nearly 3 weeks old and is still in the hospital.  He was born at 33 weeks (the mother had an infection in her amniotic fluid) and tested positive for cocaine.  He apparently went through some pretty major withdrawal but seems to be over that.  He weighed only 4 lbs 6 oz at birth, and his lungs weren’t mature.  He isn’t eating well and has lost about a pound, and he is in an incubator to help his breathing.  He is African-American.  His mother will learn all about us tomorrow.  Is this our baby?

Lord, have your will.  If this baby is the one You have for us, we pray that his mother will like us.  Give her peace and direction as she makes these difficult decisions concerning her son.  Have Your will, Lord!

Did she like us?  Did she choose us?  Find out tomorrow right here on this blog!!  :)

Here’s another entry from my adoption journal.  This journal entry isn’t dated, but it falls right into place in my journal that there is a good chance that I wrote it around the day that Zach was born; but, of course, we had no idea.  <sigh>  Amazing to read it again!

And we wait.  We have no idea how long we will wait.  Yes, the need for families to adopt black children is great, but there is no guarantee that this will be quick.

Will a black birthmom choose a white family to raise her child?

Will a birthmom choose a family who is pregnant to raise her child?

We have pictured the adoption taking place before the birth of our other baby, but that might not be the case.

I have an adoption bracelet that I wear everyday to remind me to pray for our baby (since I can’t feel him/her kick).  However, it is hard to pray not knowing if the baby is even conceived yet or at what stage of pregnancy he/she is in or if it has even already been born.  God knows, of course, and that is a beautiful comfort.

We continue to be filled with peace and confidence about the adoption.  We look so forward to getting our new baby!  Prepare us, Lord!

And prepare us QUICK!  Little did we know that Zach was being born about that time and that we would bring him home in 3 and a half weeks!!  How exciting!

Considering adoption but think you can’t afford it?  Check out here, here, here, and here for information on grants for adoption.

Almost to the end . . . .  Keep reading . . . . .  This journal entry isn’t dated, but probably is a day or so before Zach was born.

We have started talking about names for the babies.  Even though we have no idea if they will be boys or girls, we have envisioned adopting a boy and being pregnant with a girl.  We’ll see in a few months.

Funny that we are picking two names at the same time.  At present we like Sophie Annette for a girl and Zack Anthony or Quincy Aaron for a boy.  We have others that we like, too, but these are our favorites.

Certainly we are doing better this time than when we went to the hospital with a list of 12 or so names for Elliot!  Ha!

Funny that we sorta knew we were adopting a boy and were pregnant with a girl.  And we kept pretty close to the chosen names.  We ended up with Chloe Annette and Zachary Aaron.

A name is a very important thing, isn’t it?

Besides making sure the name sounds nice and trying to ensure we are not setting our child up for some terrible nickname, Paul and I also took care to choose names with meanings that we could claim for our children.

Elliot Alan.  Elliot means “My God is the Lord.”  Wow.  That is a strong name.  And we gave him the middle name of Alan because that’s Paul’s middle name.  Alan means rock or little rock or handsome.  I like all of those for Elliot.  I certainly think he’s handsome.  And I pray that he is always a strong rock, standing firm in his faith and in his character.

Zachary Aaron.  Zachary means The Lord Remembers.  Yes, it’s a perfect name.  The Lord certainly remembered Zachary — in his birthmother’s womb . . . in the NICU after he was born . . . three weeks later when we picked him up and brought him home . . .  and still today the Lord remembers Zachary!  We decided to stick with middle names starting with A.  Aaron means mountain and enlightened.  Wow.  I like those, too.  The two words make me think of wisdom and confidence — two things I pray for Zach.

Chloe Annette.  Chloe means blooming and verdant and growing.  Oooo.  I like that.  We have watched that little girl slowly blooming right before our eyes!  And the growing and verdant (green) part makes me think of alive and fresh, which she totally is!  Neat!  Annette means grace and favor and full of grace.  Wow!  That makes me want to holler!  She is so full of the favor and grace of God!  It is just all over her.  I can’t even express what a perfect name that is for her. . . .  Now, I must admit if you were to see her walking down the hallway, you would not say she is very graceful!!  Ha!  No, it’s not that kind of grace.  But it’s a more beautiful kind of grace that radiates off of her and touches and blesses everyone she knows.  Graceful, indeed!

Well, now that I’m all touched and emotional and covered with chills reminding myself of the meanings of my kids’ names, I would love to hear about your kids’ names.  Why did you name them what you named them?  What do they mean?  What does it mean to you?

I have to quick write this post before the situation changes . . . .  

Yesterday my boys played together beautifully!  They played together like the best of friends!  Their laughter filled the house and blessed the rest of us.

There was no fighting or whining or complaining or tattling.

They played a video game together in the morning, laughing and having a big ol time.  They rode bikes/scooters/skateboards in the afternoon.  They played ball together in the evening, laughing and cutting up.

Wowee!  It’s as if someone came and changed their little sibling-rivalry hearts to best-friend hearts!  And the transformation is incredible!

I will not be hunting down that someone to find the old sibling-rivalry hearts, that’s for sure!

What caused the change?  What makes the difference?  And what’s the secret to making it last?

I don’t know.  If I figure it out, I’ll let you know.  I’m just hoping it sticks for at least a couple of days . . . . a few more hours. . . .  I can hope, right?!

Zachary met his birth mom for the first time this summer!!  What a big day!

We went on vacation to Michigan, and spent a couple of days in Detroit.  One of the days, we spent several hours at the Henry Ford Museum with Zach’s birth mom, Miss C.

Over the course of the past 8 years, we have exchanged letters and photos with Miss C.  She has sent photos of her children — Zach’s birth brothers and sisters — and updates on each of them.  We have sent letters every 9-12 months, updating Miss C on things that are going on here.

We talk about Miss C and pray for her all the time.  When Zach started showing interest in meeting her, we decided that it was time to go to Michigan.  We were all so excited for the day to come when Zach could meet Miss C for the first time!

When the day arrived, Zachary was surprisingly nervous.  I had never seen him like that at all.  He was quiet and awkward, where usually he is noisy and excited.  (Good noisy, usually!)  Miss C brought her two youngest children (16 and 17 years old) with her so Zach was able to meet two of his birth siblings, too!

When we first saw each other, there were introductions and hugs all around.  A sweet, sweet reunion.  Miss C would have been satisfied just to sit and hold Zippy on her lap, I think.  She would have been thrilled with hugs and hand-holding and major connecting, but Zach was SO nervous!  He did beautifully and was sweet and respectful, but he was quiet and a little bit distant.  He really felt the hugeness of meeting Miss C for the first time.

Several times during our time together, Miss C grabbed me in a strong embrace, whispering thanks in my ear.  How could she ever find words??  How could I ever find words to say back??  But where our words fell short, our physical touch, our eye contact, our amazing shared love for a precious, nervous 8-year-old filled in the gaps.

We had a lovely time.  We made some amazing memories.

When it was time to go, Zachary spontaneously went to Miss C with a hug and said goodbye.  Then he went to his birth brother and sister and did the same.  He wished the visit could go on and on, but he was so relieved it was over.

On the way to the car, Zach said he wished he would have asked Miss C what her favorite sport is.  And what she likes to watch on TV.  And what her favorite food is.

We hope to take another trip to Michigan this winter to hang out with Miss C again.  He’ll still be nervous, I’m sure, but I’m hoping that each time will get easier and more comfortable.

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Did you know that November is National Adoption Month?  An astounding statistic: over 100,000 children in the United States are waiting to be adopted! More than 143 million orphans worldwide are waiting to be adopted!  What can we do? We can adopt!  And we can sponsor!  And we can pray!  Visit Bethany Christian Services or this site for more information.

I told Zach about Mrs. K a couple of nights before our first appointment.  I told him that Mrs. K is a good person to talk to about anger and fears and feelings and that she would help him with all of that.  He, as usual, was totally fine with the idea of going to another “doctor.”

But the night before the appointment as we were sitting at the table eating dinner, the boys started talking about the Thanksgiving lunch that the school cafeteria makes.  They both ranted and raved about it:  pumpkin pie!  stuffing!  turkey! gravy!  It is November so they knew it must be coming up soon.  Zachary informed us with lots of emotion that he had missed the Thanksgiving lunch last year because of a doctor appointment.  ”I sure hope I don’t miss it this year!” he exclaimed.

I was amazed that he remembered he had missed the special lunch last year and was sure he wouldn’t miss this year’s since we don’t have many appointments scheduled.  To reassure him that he wouldn’t miss the lunch, I said, “Well, as long as it’s not tomorrow or next Tuesday or next Thursday, then you’ll be there for the lunch.”

Both boys immediately got up from the table and ran to the fridge to check the school lunch calendar.  A few seconds later, I knew that the special lunch must be scheduled for one of the three days I just mentioned because Elliot let out a heavy, “Oh, no!!” and Zippy started freaking out.

“It’s tomorrow . . .,” Elliot said.

I quickly realized that this appointment with a lady who is supposed to help Zach with his emotions and anxieties was turning out to be adding to his troubles.  If the Thanksgiving lunch was really that important to him, then I wanted him to be able to eat it.  And I mostly was feeling desperate to help calm him.  So I told him he didn’t have to go to the appointment. Mrs. K had given me the choice of coming alone the first time or coming with Zach the first time.  I had thought we would come together, but I would be going alone after all.

So on Thursday at noon, while Zippy was thoroughly enjoying the Thanksgiving lunch at school, I met with Mrs. K to talk about him.  I liked Mrs. K.  We talked for about 45 minutes — her asking questions and me answering them.

It is an amazing thing to put Zachary’s issues and history into a nutshell.  It is amazing to stop and listen to myself list off the things that that child deals with . . . the things he “was dealt.”  And it was amazing to watch Mrs. K, someone who knows the seriousness of the issues, to react to one, after another, after another, after another thing as it was revealed.

“Oh, and he has a seizure disorder,” I said.

And we  continued to talk.  And Mrs. K’s sympathy and surprise was obvious as I told her more and more things.  Things that are “old hat” to us.  They are life for us.

“Oh, and he has asthma.”

Mrs. K flipped to a new page and  continued writing, shaking her head in amazement.

Listing all the details in one sitting like this feels a little overwhelming.  Even a little embarrassing for some reason.  I think it is embarrassing because it just seems so exaggerated and ridiculous.

“Oh, and he has an anaphylactic allergy to peanuts.  It is one of his biggest anxieties.”

Mrs. K tells me that she has peanut butter crackers in her office today, but that next time we’re there she will not have peanut butter.  She even decides that bringing peanut butter crackers in her office was a very bad idea to begin with.  I thought that was funny and cute and sweet.

“Oh, and he has ADHD.”

Jeez, how did I forget to say that earlier?  This part is also embarrassing.  That I forgot to say he had ADHD.  Forgot?  How can a mom forget something like that?  That’s one of the reasons we called Mrs. K to begin with.  Jeez.  What else had I forgotten to tell her?

“Oh, yeah.  He’s black, and the rest of us are white.”

Mrs. K put down her pen and looked at me.  Had she heard enough?  Had she decided that this mama sitting on her couch was making all this stuff up?  Was she mad that I was spilling the beans in a random order and messing up her note-taking?

But she answered with much sympathy, “Bless his heart.  He has so much to deal with.”  And shaking her head again, she picked up her pen and continued writing.

She asked about Zach’s sibling relationships.  I told her I thought they were pretty normal.  He and Elliot play and are friends, but they also fight a lot like brothers do.  And he adores Chloe. . . .

“He enjoys Chloe,” I said.  ”He likes to play with her.  But he sometimes gets so angry with her. . . .  Did I tell you that Chloe has special needs?”

Mrs. K froze.  She put her pen down.  Uh-oh.  I guess I hadn’t mentioned that before.  Then she looked at me.  ”How do you do it?  Are you so overwhelmed?” she asked.

“Sometimes,” I replied.  ”But usually not. . . .  We just carry on.  It’s just life.”

“It’s YOUR life,” she corrected, reminding me that our ordinary days are not really ordinary days at all.

“Yes, it’s my life.”

And it’s Zach’s life.

And Mrs. K is going to help him deal with it.  She will meet him in a couple of weeks.  I think she’s going to like him.

I finally settled on the batteries that will be used for the eTrike.

They are the same ZIPPY Flightmax 5000mAh 6S1P 15C from hobby city that I have previously mentioned. For those not versed in battery speak, 6S is 6 cells in series (in a line)  and 1P is 1 parallel (side by side).

Each cell within the pack has a nominal (normal under use) voltage of 3.7V. So a single pack has 22.2V. The total voltage I can use is limited by the  controller and motor. This limit is around 48V.  As the top speed and power output of the motor increases with voltage I intend run it at the full 48V.

To achieve 48V I will be using two of the Zippy packs in series. This makes a total of 12cells, 6per pack, which is equal to 44.4V nominal. It should be noted though that when freshly charged each cell can get as high as 4.2V, or a total of 50.4V, hence why no more than 12 cells in series will be used.

With this setup I would have a 12S1P 44.4V pack with a capacity of 5000mAh (5Ah).

This will not be enough capacity for a 60km range.

So I plan to use a total of 6 packs, configured in 12S3P for a total of 15Ah capacity. Even then it stands to be seen if this is enough for the desired range.

These six packs will have a combined weight of 4.3Kg. This is astoundingly light considering the amount of power contained within them. For comparison, if sealed lead acid batteries were to be used to get the same 720Wh storage capacity it would require 18.45kg worth of 12V batteries. This is over 4 times the weight and a good example of the power contained within lithium batteries

The 6 Zippy batteries will be mounted on the bike within two pannier bags hanging over the rear wheel. Three batteries per bag for good weight distribution. These bags will also be mounted as low to the ground as possible to help prevent roll over.

An example of pannier bags

Due to the volatile nature of lithium batteries when damaged they will be contained within some sort of metal box within the soft cloth bags. This should protect them from any mechanical damage as well as the weather. This box will be padded internally with some form of foam to stop the cells moving around. The metal box will also contain a vent plug facing towards the rear of the bike just in case a LiPo pack does go up in flames.

Now for the charing.

This is by far the most difficult part of dealing with this type of lithium batteries. Trying to keep every single cell at a constant voltage requires some custom work. This I will cover in a follow up post as i’m still working on the detials

Surely it is just coincidence that 2 days after Halloween Zippy has a visible hole in his tooth accompanied by a toothache. . . .  Oh, brother!  We are off to the dentist this morning.

We are marking off days, watching the calendar as we wait to see Zachary’s psychiatrist on November 10th.  His emotions continue to rage out of control.  He has several huge episodes everyday right now.  He’s pitiful.  We all walk as if on egg shells — or really as if tip-toeing around a land mine, hoping it stays stable and steady until we get past.  He has incredible mood swings:  screaming with glee and hugging me and doing a big ol belly laugh and circles in the kitchen as he’s literally singing me a song declaring me the best Mom in the world . . . all because of his pleasure at discovering the package of raisins in the pantry;  then moments later when I ask him to throw a piece of trash away, he flails himself in the floor and screams and cries as if he’s being attacked by unseen fire ants in a fit that seems to go on and on.  That is a picture of how our days are right now.  Hopefully the psychiatrist will be able to help us next week.  Six days and counting . . . .

We are excited to meet with a new counselor for Zach tomorrow.  We will have our first session tomorrow afternoon.  The appointment was supposed to be Zach, me, and Mrs. K, but last night we discovered that tomorrow is the Thanksgiving lunch at school tomorrow.  Apparently Zach missed Thanksgiving lunch at school last year because of a doctor appointment, and he nearly freaked out at the news of missing it again this year.  I’ll call Mrs. K today to see about my coming in without Zach for the first visit.  It doesn’t make much sense to add frustration and stress and disappointment to go see someone who is going to try to help us with those things.  A little counterproductive, if you ask me.  But I am hoping that Zach and Mrs. K will be a good match and that she will be able to help him with dealing with his emotions and anxieties.

Chloe’s bowels/g.i. procedure:  The good news is that I haven’t had to clean my carpets since her procedure!  So that part is somewhat under control.  I don’t think the procedure was successful though.  I don’t actually know exactly what I’m supposed to be looking for.  But what I was expecting success to be was bowel movements.  Like maybe a couple a day or something normal like that.  But I am still seeing constant pooping.  There’s poop in every diaper.  So I am guessing that she still doesn’t have any sphincter control.  I am pleased though with the changes the doctor made in her laxative medications — I think she is staying cleaned out without me having to spot clean the carpets. . . .  Too much information?  We will see her g.i. doc in a couple of weeks to get his educated opinion.

I cannot comfort him when he’s in a fit, upset by something that he imagined.

I cannot calm him when he’s in a rage, screaming and out of control.

I cannot reason with him when he’s screaming and repeating the same insult or accusation.

I cannot convince him that what he’s saying didn’t happen, that it’s not true.

I want to comfort him.  I want to calm him.  I want to reason with him.  I want to convince him.

I long to be his comfort.  I ache to be his calming voice.  I so desire to bring him back to reasoning.  I am desperate to be convincing to him.

But I’ve learned that I must wait.

When he’s lost in his out-of-control fit of emotion, his scream is angry and unstopping.  There is no reasoning ability in him at that moment.  When he’s lost in that terrible moment, I cannot talk to him or touch him or even glance his direction.  Those actions from me only fuel his anger and push him farther from me and farther from my comfort and my reason.  When he’s lost in that terrible moment, there is nothing for me to do but wait.

I must wait for his screaming to pause.  I must wait on his cry to change.  I must wait for his sad eyes to appear where the lost and angry eyes had been.

It is in that moment of change — from angry to sad, from lost to begging for my help — that I can step in and help him.  I eagerly step in to help.  I call him to me and hold him.  I hold him tight!  The tightness of my grip helps to calm him.  I am amazed again at how immediately his cry ceases.  He lies limp and defeated and helpless in my arms.  My firm hug helps to drive home the truth of my love and my acceptance of him.  My silence convinces him and brings him back into reality.

And it’s over.

He just starts chattering about something unrelated.  He talks about something trivial and unemotional.  After a few minutes, he is up and running.

He’s up and running because he feels loved and safe.  He knows he has just returned to his harbor of love and peace and acceptance.  And his running is joyful and celebratory.

I have been participating the last couple of Mondays in Not Me! Monday with MckMama and other bloggers.  I’m assuming Not Me! Monday will not happen today because MckMama’s baby is in the hospital and is not doing very well.  Please join me in praying for Baby Stellan today!  Thanks!

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Saturday proved to be a very busy Halloween.  We had Zippy’s last football game, our church’s family picnic, a nearby church’s Fall Festival, and then a little trick-or-treating in our neighborhood.

Here are the highlights:

ELLIOT:

Elliot (10) dressed up as a soldier.  He was camouflage from head to toe.

At the Fall Festival, his favorite activity was the big-ol-bolster-fight deal.  (I obviously have no idea what it’s called, but the jest is that you knock your opponent off their post by bonking them with huge puffy sticks!)

He enjoyed all the booths and getting candy!

While we were sitting enjoying some free food there, a man announced that they needed some volunteers to work a few of the game booths.  Elliot piped up immediately, wondering if he could volunteer.  Ten years old and not a member of the church?  Who knows.  So I sent him up to ask the man.  The man thought it was just fine so off Elliot went with the other volunteers.  He was proud and excited as he went off to work.  But he came back a few minutes later and reported that they didn’t need him after all.  Bummer.  But I was so proud of him for being so eager to help!

While we trick-or-treated, I was surprised that Elliot was very embarrassed and nervous that he might run into one of his 5th grade friends.  He was convinced that they would think his costume was babyish.  Camo babyish??  Oh, me.  It’s times like these that the “tweens” baffle me!

CHLOE:

Chloe (7) dressed up as a ladybug.  She was the cutest ladybug this mama has ever seen!  She was quite proud of the costume and especially loved the wings!

At our church picnic, she refused to use her walker.  When she fell repeatedly, she got very frustrated and threw a little silent fit:  Sit down and stomp, stomp, stomp!  Stomp with one foot!  Stomp with two feet!  Stand up, hold on to Mom for support and kick, kick, kick the air!  Hold on to Mom and jump!  Jump!  Sit back down and stomp some more!!  Poor baby!  Once over the frustration of falling, she and Dad hung out on the church porch while Chloe opened and closed the door for an hour and a half.  Not quite healthy play, but sometimes it works!

At the Fall Festival, Chloe and Dad hung out in the petting zoo the whole time!!  Again, she had a little love affair with the animals there.  She hugged on rabbits and baby pigs.  The girl running the petting zoo remembered Chloe from last year’s festival and remembered that that’s where she stayed the whole time!

Paul said that when there was a line of kiddos waiting to come in, the girl in charge would make some of the little kids get out so others could come in.  But she never made Chloe leave!  I think Chloe was the teacher’s pet for sure!  (Paul did make Chloe leave and get back in line a few times to avoid completely taking advantage!)

By the time trick-or-treating came along, Chloe was quite tired so she stayed in her wheelchair.  She went up to the porches and even a few times joined in on the “Trick or Treat!” part.

ZIPPY:

Zippy (8) decided his Power Ranger costume was too itchy and didn’t want to dress up as anything.  I made him slip on a jersey with his shorts so he could at least be an itchless basketball player.  After a small fit, he obliged and was happy as a bball player.

At the church picnic, Zippy jumped and jumped and jumped in the bounce house.  He did take a short break for the limbo contest and a hotdog, but the rest of the time he bounced.

At the Fall Festival, Zippy jumped and jumped and jumped in the bounce house.  He did take a short break to play a couple of games (as long as they had NO LINES) and eat some food, but the rest of the time he bounced.  Deja vu!

Several booths offered him candy with peanuts which made him nervous and a little bit freaky.  He has an anaphylactic allergy to peanuts, and it is one of his greatest anxieties.

Check out Zippy’s dinner!  He was so pleased with this meal!!  Happy, happy boy!

Zach mostly had a good time trick-or-treating.  We roamed around with some new neighbor friends.  They have a little 4-year-old boy who Zach really enjoyed.

But again several houses had candy with peanuts which kept Zippy on edge the whole time.  At one house, the man plopped some candy in Zach’s bag before he could explain his allergy; as it fell into his bag, Zach noticed they were Snickers.  He dropped to the ground and started frantically digging in the bag to get the peanuts OUT.  I assured him that when we got home I would check all of his candy just like I always do, and we would throw away any nuts.

We continued on past a couple of houses where the lights were off and turned a corner where we met up with a large and noisy crowd.  It was then that Zachary had a full-blown panic attack that I was afraid was going to end up being an asthma attack.  He froze, he started panicking and breathing heavy.  It took me a minute to get him to look at me and talk to me.  When he did, he just started crying and saying, “I don’t want to eat peanuts!  I don’t want to eat peanuts!  I don’t want to eat peanuts!”  I waved Paul and the others on while I grabbed Zach and got him away from the crowd.  When he had calmed down and his breathing had returned to normal, the two of us went on home to throw away all the peanuts. . . .  Poor baby!

We carved pumpkins this week.  Zachary had been begging for weeks to carve pumpkins.  Both boys were excited to carve a pumpkin and put a candle in it.  Then Paul brought three pumpkins home a week ago.  The pumpkins have been sitting, waiting, asking to be carved ever since.

Finally the day came for the carving.  We covered the table with a vinyl cloth.  The boys excitedly watched and paced and jumped and spun around while we gathered the supplies.  Chloe came in the room, took one look at the pumpkins, and said, “No way,” and went back to playing.

Zachary accompanied Dad to the knife drawer and started grabbing the long, serrated, sword-like knives, claiming them as his own.  But Dad said, “NO!” and directed Zach to the smaller, red-handled, not-even-close-to-looking-like-swords knives.  While Zach tried over and over to claim himself a kitchen sword for the deed, Dad insisted that it was the small knife or no knife.  Period.  So Zach chose a boring little knife and went and sat at the table, disappointed already.

Paul cut the tops of the pumpkins off (too small, we realized later), and I literally watched the excitement drop lower and lower in the room.  It was odd.

The next step:  digging out the goo.  This step was not an enjoyable one.  Both boys were grossed out and unexcited.  Again, carving pumpkins fell lower on the excitement scale.  We knew we’d better get the fun knife part started quickly or we would completely lose the boys.

Zachary gave his pumpkin a couple of good stabs, bringing back some of his joy.  But when he heard the advice to draw the face he wanted to carve, his excitement fell again.  He asked Dad to draw some triangle eyes and a triangle nose.  ”No mouth.”

Elliot regained some excitement while he drew two different faces on opposite sides of his pumpkin — one mad and one happy.

And now . . . for the knife part of the activity . . . finally!

It was harder to carve the pumpkins than anyone had been expecting.  It was frustrating and difficult.  Zippy carved his pumpkin for 20 seconds before tossing his little weenie knife and telling Dad to finish it.  Elliot carved one eye and then asked me to finish his.

So Paul and I carved pumpkins at the kitchen table while the boys played outside with friends.

Not quite the family experience I had pictured . . . .  but the Jack-O-Lanterns turned out cute!  And Elliot talked again about putting a candle in them on Halloween night.

The next day when I picked the boys up from school, the first word from Elliot was a report from the school nurse.  Seems that the nurse had joined in on the morning announcements and had a special caution about pumpkin carving:  NEVER use a kitchen knife to carve pumpkins and NEVER put a candle in a pumpkin.  ”She said not to do exactly what we did and were going to do!  Isn’t that funny??” Elliot asked.

Ugh.  Not very funny.  But then, maybe a little bit funny.

I guess Elliot never sleeps. . . .  And just for the record, I did sometimes put my babies in their beds for naps!!

Yesterday I posted about a class project that Zippy is doing. . .

Believe it or not, the clay was quite a nice experience!!  It was fun, funny, and successful.  I remember when Zippy was younger, it was very calming for him to play with play-doh — I guess this clay was that sort of experience for him.  He made a great Romulus and a great Remus!

The part of the project that erupted into a huge, all-out fit was coloring the background.  He used markers to color the sky blue and the rest of the paper brown “for dust.”  ”There’s nothing around them but dust so it all needs to be brown,” he explained.  Apparently he was not pleased with his performance with the markers nor was he pleased with the quality of the markers because he proceeded to throw markers and lids and papers and pretzels (the innocent, nearby snack) all over the living room.  He kicked and screamed and cried.  He ran to his room and back.  He threw things again.  He kicked and screamed and cried some more.  He hit the paper that was causing the frustration.  It was pitiful.  But eventually he pressed on (actually I pressed him on) and finished coloring the background.  Then I quick, quick, quick got out the clay and changed gears. . . probably just in the nick of time.

I didn’t mention that the scene he chose for his diorama is the scene where Romulus chokes and kills Remus.  Yes, the guy kills his twin brother!  But what else can you expect of the sons of the God of War??  Anyway, Zippy talked about how terrible it is for someone to kill their own brother.  I had to agree with him on that one.  But no matter how terrible a thing it is, the brother-killing scene was the chosen one!

After Zach sculpted R & R, he wrapped Romulus’ arm around Remus’ neck in a death choke.  It was then that we noticed that Romulus couldn’t stand on the ground while choking his brother since his arms weren’t long enough.  Instead of redoing the arms or making his legs longer, Zippy just sculpted a rock for Romulus to stand on.  The rock was the perfect height for Romulus to stand on to choke his brother!

Hopefully I will get a photo when he’s done and get it posted so you can see the finished work!

It’s seasons like this that I realize how I have taken the level of peace in our household and the level of ease of our day-to-day life very much for granted.  It is seasons like this that I find myself thinking, “Wow!  We have come a long way.  Our life used to be filled with this turmoil every day, all the time.”  And it is seasons like this that I find myself thinking, “I want the peace back!!  NOW!!!“

The season?  Well, Zachary’s behavior has deteriorated over the last couple of weeks.  His emotions are out of control.  He is explosive.  He is out of control, irrational.  He is worried.  He is anxious.

My first thought is that probably he has grown and needs his medications adjusted.  He takes Trileptal for a seizure disorder, anxiety disorder and mood disorder.  It has been a great medication for him — controlling his seizures and helping maintain his emotions.  The mood stabilizer part of the medication makes a HUGE difference in the quality of his life!  And in the quality of our family’s life!  And every now and then, we see Zippy’s behaviors and anxieties surface, and oftentimes a small increase in the dose of Trileptal brings back his peace and stability.

Another thought is that he is anxious about some things right now.  He is always anxious about school.  He works so hard, but school is so difficult for him.  He has a project that is due on Friday that he is very worried about!!  He talks about it several times every day saying that now we only have 5 days to finish it.  He is very anxious about it right now, and that increased anxiety could be causing his whole system to freak out.

My plan?

I’m going to help him with his project!  :)  I bought some clay today for us to make a diorama of the Greek myth of Romulus and Remus.  It has the potential to be fun.  But the truer reality is that clay has huge potential for frustration; we will probably experience some major behavior and emotion tonight.  But we will try to push through.

I also talked to his teacher today about the project, and she said she would encourage him today.

And I will call his psychiatrist and go in for a chat.

Here is another beautiful piece I wanted to share.  The author is unknown.  But WOW!  It is really filled with some good reminders for us as we love our special children . . .

Beatitudes for People with Special Needs

BLESSED ARE YOU who take time to listen to difficult speech, for you help us to know that if we persevere we can be understood.

BLESSED ARE YOU who walk with us in public places, and ignore the stares of strangers, for in your friendship we feel good to be ourselves.

BLESSED ARE YOU who never bid us to “hurry up” and, more blessed, you who do not snatch our tasks from our hands to do them for us, for often we need time rather than help.

BLESSED ARE YOU who stand beside us as we enter new and untried ventures, for our unsuredness will be outweighed by the times when we surprise ourselves and you.

BLESSED ARE YOU who ask for our help and realize our giftedness for our greatest need is to be needed.

BLESSED ARE YOU who help us with the graciousness of Christ, for often we need the help we cannot ask for.

BLESSED ARE YOU when, by all things, you assure us that what makes us individuals is not our particular disability or difficulty but our beautiful God-given personhood which no handicapping condition can confine.

REJOICE AND BE EXCEEDINGLY GLAD for your understanding and love have opened doors for us to enjoy life to its full and you have helped us believe in ourselves as valued and gifted people.

Last night Zippy’s football practice was moved inside since the fields outside were flooded.  The team practiced in the church’s “gym,” which was carpeted and had completely different acoustics than a real gym.

I had tried to picture Zippy practicing football in a real gym and was not excited!  If there is anything worse than the confusing yelling and whistle blowing of the football field, it’s yelling and whistle-blowing in the acoustical nightmare of a gym.  Suffice it to say that a gym is not a place where Zach is at his best.

This carpeted “gym” was awesome, and Zach did great!  It was easier to listen and to hear in this gym compared to the field which is up on a hill (where it’s always windy) and right next to the highway.  I was amazed at how much more attentive and involved and “with it” he was inside the “gym.”  ( I guess I should not put the word in quotes . . .  if the church calls it a gym, then I should just call it a gym. . . .)

Anyway, the whole practice, the coach repeated and repeated and repeated and repeated, “Zachary, keep your feet still!” and, “Zachary, don’t move your feet!” when they would line up for a play.  Each and every play, we all heard about Zach’s feet.

After practice, I told Zippy how well he’d done at practice.  Elliot had to chime in since he thinks he’s Zippy’s other Mama.  He added, “Yeah, but what you really need to work on is keeping your feet still.  The coach had to keep telling you to keep your feet still.  You really need to do that, Zach!”

Zippy, only a little bothered replied, “Well, I don’t do that.  My feet don’t stay still.  They move.”

End of discussion.

Oh, me!  ADHD feet don’t always cooperate on the ball field, do they?

The Windows ecosystem is the broadest in the world, and we have to take care of that,” says Mr Courtois.

Microsoft’s partners have noticed the change in tack. “The preparations for Windows 7 have been a remarkable step up from the days of dealing with Vista,” says Alex Gruzen, the man in charge of consumer products at the computer giant Dell.

“In the past, Microsoft looked at its operating system in isolation, and gave it to [manufacturers] to do whatever they wanted,” he says. “Now they collaborate, help to figure out which third-party vendors are slowing down the system, help them improve their code.

Microsoft, promises Mr Courtois, has “worked very hard with Windows 7 to achieve applications compatibility.” When it rolled out the first service pack for Vista, there were a mere 2,700 applications certified to work with the system.

At launch, Windows 7 boasts 8,500 certified apps.

And if you want to use old software on your computer, Microsoft has built in a “compatibility tool” that allows you to run applications that were built for operating systems as old as Windows 95.
Despite the downturn, IT investment is growing three times faster than most economies, reports tech industry analyst IDC. Even among consumers there are still pockets of growth, especially small netbooks with their low-power processors, which cannot run Vista but deliver zippy performance under Windows 7.

The launch of the new operating system will produce “a tangible Windows 7 bounce”, says Richard Huddy of chipmaker AMD.

“Along with that, we’re also seeing evidence on a global scale that the recession is starting to lessen

(It’s my blog, and I can brag if I want to, right??!!)

Zippy was HOT on the football field today!  He pulled more flags than any other player!!  Yippee!

And he LOVED to hear me yell for him from the sidelines.  I haven’t been cheering very much in the other games because I’ve been sitting with Chloe.  Chloe is NOT a fan of the yelling and freaks out if I yell or cheer or clap.  But today Paul was out of town and the aunts and uncles were otherwise occupied and couldn’t come to his game.  That left me and only me to cheer for him.  So I cheered and yelled and whooped and clapped!  Each time, he stopped and made eye contact with me and grinned at my cheering for him!

Offense is still VERY complicated for him.  The biggest (glaring!!!) episode today was this:  Zippy hiked the ball to the quarterback and then stood straight up and put his wristband with the plays on it right up to the end of his nose trying to figure out what he was supposed to do next.  He was still and silent, studying the play . . . . right in the middle of action and passing and running and screaming and catching and flag-pulling and whistle-blowing.  Then the play was over, and Zippy still stood like a statue, trying to make sense of that play until his teammates and coach finally called him out of his trance to come and join the huddle for the next play!  I admit I laughed at that one.  He is so cute and tries SO hard!!

Go #19!!

even when you don’t feel like it.

Some days there won’t be a song in your heart. Sing anyway. ~ EMORY AUSTIN