George A. Romero was the first man to put flesh eating hordes of the undead onto celluloid in 1968 with Night of the Living Dead. Since then the pasty looking ones have taken on a life of their own (sic), with an endless army of the great exhumed hitting the big screen for our enjoyment and delectation.

Romero set the trend for the super low budget style of the zombie films we know and love today, creating the film on a budget of $114,000 and using a simple narrative, snappy writing, smart camera tricks and clever design and make-up to work with the constraints of his budget rather than against it. The end result was a film that took in a total of $30million worldwide.

Obviously, this seemed like the perfect amateur money making formula. But what the thousands of copy-cats failed to notice was that it was the immaculately constructed script and mythology that went into making Night of the Living Dead such an iconic, subversive piece of cinema, not just gratuitous brain-munching.

And so a new genre was born, the ultra-low budget, mainly god awful and predominantly straight-to-video zombie film. Here lies one of the greatest creations in cinema history, a place where you can enjoy a good 80 minutes of attention grabbing, nonsensical, cinematic bliss – with the most sublimely absurd titles known to man.

For the uninformed, here are some of my favourites:

• Space Zombie Bingo!!! (Three explanation marks, three!)
• Zombie Holocaust (simple, concise, effective)
• Zombie Strippers (for raising the bar of absurdity)
• Zombies! Zombies! Zombies! (a personal favourite and proof repetition gets you noticed)
• Zombie Honeymoon (never a good way to start married life)
• The Zombie Diaries (criminally undermined in the Bridget Jones series)
• Stubbs the Zombie in ‘Rebel Without a Pulse’ (no more explanation needed)
• Wu long tian shi zhao ji gui AKA Kung-Fu Zombie (because we all dreamed that, one day, someone would)
• Gay Zombie (because zombies swing both ways)
• Z: A Zombie Musical (who says the undead can’t sing and dance?)
• Zombie Vegetarians (representing team veggie)
• Get Along Little Zombie (a heartwarming tale of flesh eating youngsters)
• No. My Other Possessed-Zombie Girlfriend. (if there’s a better title out there, I sure as hell don’t know it)

And finally… A few more top zombie facts, zombie-fact-fans:

Although Romero was first to put flesh eating zombies to screen, the first big screen appearance of the zombie was in the 1932 film White Zombie, starring man-god Bela Lugosi as the wonderfully named voodoo master, Murder Legendre.

In writing Night of the Living Dead, Romero openly’ admits to ripping off Richard Matheson’s superb 1954 book, I Am Legend, which everyone should have read.

Despite having no end of trouble finding a distributor for the film (many of whom wanted a re-shot ‘Happy’ ending), Romero refused to change the original print or make cuts to get his film into cinemas and insisted it should be shown in its entirety.

The cause of the zombie outbreak is never explained throughout the film’s duration. This might be obvious to some but it’s a subtlety that lots of people miss – another reason why it is so great. The closest we get to an explanation is offered by a scientist citing radiation from a space probe – another nod to militant cold war tactics in the film.

The film was made using chocolate sauce for blood and cooked ham as a substitute for human flesh, with mortician’s wax as make up for the zombies.

There are nine characters named ‘Zombie-with-gun’ in sequel, Day of the Dead.

It has been remade twice, made 3d and treated in 2004 to produce a colour version of the original. All of these are rubbish.

Everyone can do a good zombie impression, with sound effects. But mine is best.

So I promised everyone that I would give you my favorite horror movie this week … well … plans changed.  I am gonna give you the most AMAZING piece of shit I have ever seen.  I usually don’t post new movies, but this just seemed to fit MHC so well.  Starring Jenna Jameson and Robert Englund, Zombie Strippers has the potential to be a cult classic.  It should be a cult classic for the scene involving a zombie Jenna shooting pool balls out of her snatch!

TORRENT:  Zombie Strippers!.DVDRip.(2008)

It’s no secret that Halloween is my favorite time of year. Costumes, candy, parties, and all manner of responsibility and ethics thrown out the window. I love it. It’s also the one time of year that being considered insane is a good thing.

Seeing as Halloween is only a few days away, I figured this blog entry should shed light on some of the origins of our Halloween traditions.

*Warning* Johnny Red is in no way responsible for the damage done to your joyful perceptions of Halloween fun. 

5. Trick or Treating

Oh yes, to be young again. Wandering the neighborhood, breathing the crisp fall air, dressed up in our Halloween costumes for a night of fun and candy collecting. It was the best time of the year for being a kid. Trick or Treating hasn’t changed that much since it’s Celtic origin. I guess the only difference is trick or treating was originally called ”Souling”, and was originally a bit more…creepy.

During souling children would dress up in costumes, go door to door, beg for soul cakes, and when received would pray for the household’s dead relatives. I guess that could be fun?

In old Ireland children didn't show up to your door dressed like Power Rangers. They most likely looked like this. Then they would stand outside your door and pray for your dead Auntie. *shiver*

Now the actual term “trick or treat” didn’t surface until the 1920’s.

The earliest known use in print of the term “trick or treat” appears in 1927, from Blackie, Alberta, Canada: Hallowe’en provided an opportunity for real strenuous fun. No real damage was done except to the temper of some who had to hunt for wagon wheels, gates, wagons, barrels, etc., much of which decorated the front street. The youthful tormentors were at back door and front demanding edible plunder by the word “trick or treat” to which the inmates gladly responded and sent the robbers away rejoicing.

"Trick or Treat Mother Fuckers!!" Back in the day if you didn't cough up the candy then the "trick" was very real. Well I exaggerate.

We fast forward nearly a hundred years and trick or treating is now a national tradition. Capitalism has cashed in on it as well. Candy sales are the second highest during Halloween, second only to Christmas. Costumes are massed produced and sold in nearly every store. It’s become a cash cow for many corporations, and now the tables have been turned on the children who once upon a time took control of their neighborhoods and forced the adults to do their bidding.

Capitalism has also brought it’s own horrors to trick or treaters everywhere.

4. Haunted Houses, Apple Bobbing, Parties

Halloween is a great time to dress up, throw parties, purposefully scare the hell out of each other, and other things we wouldn’t do any other time of the year. But we do this as adults now. Wait a minute, wasn’t the tradition of Halloween centered around children? Are we, as adults, being selfish in turning Halloween into a more adult oriented holiday?

No we’re not because Halloween was originally a festival that adults took part in more than children. Yes, souling, or trick or treating is a children’s tradition, but that was only part of Halloween.

The first celebrations included “play parties,” public events held to celebrate the harvest, where neighbors would share stories of the dead, tell each other’s fortunes, dance, and sing. Colonial Halloween festivities also featured the telling of ghost stories and mischief-making of all kinds.

Adults: "We're taking back Halloween and restoring it's respect."

The  party game of apple bobbing was also done by adults as well. The origin of apple bobbing came from when single adults would gather around a bucket or tub of floating apples and try to be the first to grab an apple with their teeth. The belief was whoever managed to grab the first apple would be the next one to be married.

I win! Bahh! Marriage tastes like death!

Apple bobbing has lost it’s popularity in recent years as the idea of sticking your face into a tub of snot and spit filled water isn’t very appealing.

Many people also believed that during Halloween the veil to the next world was briefly lifted. People felt that during this time you might be able to glimpse the future. Women would use mirrors and ask that the image of their future spouse to appear in it.

Awww! Fuck Halloween, and fuck my life!!

Haunted houses and haunted hay rides have also risen in popularity and become traditions during Halloween. Haunted houses probably go far back as when people first believed that the departed spirits of the dead could return to familar grounds. Nowadays it’s probably explained through carbon monoxide leaks.

Nevertheless simulating a haunted house to scare the bejezus out of each other has caught on. In fact they are very profitable. Over twelve million people a year visit simulated haunted houses.

Haunted Houses: It's a shit your pants good time!

Now you would think that uptight religious folks would be outraged over our traditional Halloween practices. Well apparently they are. In fact one church wasn’t content in just preaching about the evils of the Halloween holiday, no they took it one step further and created their own haunted house.

A growing Halloween tradition among Evangelical Christians is to provide a type of horror tableau which promotes public awareness of conservative Christian concerns. In Arvida, CO, the Abundant Life Christian Center built a haunted house for Halloween 1997. It includes simulations of:

A simulated date rape?! I'm telling you no haunted house can compare to the horrors you will face when entering this building.

3. The Jack ‘O Lantern

Pumpkin carving is standard Halloween tradition. But it wasn’t always so. In fact it wasn’t until modern times that pumpkins themselves were even used for carving. Yet again the tradition of carving vegatables goes back to old Ireland. But back then they didn’t use pumpkins. No, no, those would be too easy to carve out. They used turnips instead.

Every try even cutting a turnip? How about carving one out? A testament to Irish patience.

The tradition comes from the legend of Stingy Jack. The folktale says that a man named Jack who was the greediest man alive wouldn’t even go to hell with the devil when his number was up. Instead he tricked the devil to climb a tree, and while up there he carved a cross into the tree and the devil couldn’t get down.

The devil. What a putz!

The devil was so angry with Jack that he denied him entrance to hell. And since Jack wasn’t allowed in heaven either, he wanders the world with nothing but a carved out turnip lantern to keep him company.

Say what you will, but I think this is still better than going to hell.

Nowadays carving pumpkins has become almost an art form during Halloween. Every year we see more and more creative designs from the traditional Jack ‘O Lantern. For example:

The traditional witch design.

A video game player with time and skill on his hands.

The Predator in pumpkin form. Probably my favorite.

Let’s see…we also have this.

Good god!! Come on America, are you serious?! I think I'm gonna be sick!

Blaaaargh!!

2. Costumes

Ohhh my favorite part of Halloween. An excuse to dress up in horrifying costumes for a night of make believe. Well I suppose you could do that any night of the year, but Halloween is the only night you won’t gain an unwelcome reputation in doing so. Dressing in costumes has become a children’s tradition and sadly the horror elements seem to have faded.

Awwww cute!

Adorable!

The least threatening Pirate ever.

Awww isn't that cute--WTF??? Somebody call family services and remove that child from his home.

Originally Halloween costumes were suppose to imitate the dead, supernatural beings, and demonic creatures. Only dressing in a costume would keep you safe from the otherworldly hordes crossing the veil into our world looking to possess, and/or drag us back to the other side.

So traditional Celtic costumes looked more like this:

Imagine dozens of children roaming the streets wearing those things over their heads.

Yes, most of the fright is missing from costumes nowadays. But one costume has reigned supreme for decades and is still the number one selling costume of all time. The Witch!

So seeing as the Witch is the best selling Halloween costume I decided to do a little research on the origin of the Witch. And after doing that research I decided some things should just not be discovered. Hold on to your hats folks because here is the origin of the Witch and her broomstick.

They were old mad women who put hallucinogenic  oils on the end of their broomsticks and put them in their vaginas.

I’M SORRY! I’M SO SORRY!

"I'm sooooo tripping balls right now!"

Yes, according to the research that’s where the origin of the Witch and her broomstick comes from. In fact this was known as far back as 1470.

“But the vulgar believe, and the witches confess, that on certain days or nights they anoint a staff and ride on it to the appointed place or anoint themselves under the arms and in other hairy places.”

Well all I can say is thank God those days are over. Or are they??

I don't even have the words.

  1. Halloween Itself

Halloween itself originated in Old Ireland and was called Samhain. Much of what went on during the celebration of Samhain has already been covered in the previous entries. But there is one thing I want to make clear to everyone. They BELIEVED in all this stuff. We celebrate Halloween because we know it’s a fun and lighthearted time. But none of us today actually believe we have to dress up in costumes to ward off evil spirits. Well I’m guessing the majority of us do not believe that.

But imagine being a child in Old Ireland. You’re fast asleep, dreaming of…I don’t know…Old Ireland things, when all of a sudden your parents burst in your room!

"Quickly son! Cut some holes in this sack and put it over your head!"

You ask your parents why you have to do such a thing?  They reply, “Because demons, spirits, and our dead ancestors are coming through the veil…tonight!!”

“Jesus Christ on a stick father!! What are we going to do?!”

“Don’t worry son, if we imitate the monsters and our dead decaying relatives they may leave us alone! They may!”

“I’m scared father!”

“I’m scared too son! Now get your sister and go door to door and beg for cakes or bread to satisfy the dead! Also pray outside each house for the homeowners dead relatives as well!”

“What are you going to do father?!”

"The other adults and I are going to build a giant bonfire in town to attract the otherworldly hordes!"

“Father this sounds crazy!”

“Shut up son! Oh I almost forgot! The evil ones won’t be attracted to the bonfire if there is any other lit fire in town! Now put out that fire in the fireplace!”

“Father it’s fucking Autumn! It’s going to be freezing in here!”

“Son, trust the grown ups! We know what we are doing! Now where is that cow?”

“What in the hell are you talking about?!”

“We have to slaughter livestock and throw the bones in the bonfire! Clearly it’s what we have to do!”

"Run Bessie! Run!!"

“Alright forget the livestock! We’ll build another bonfire next to the first one and then each of us will walk between them to cleanse ourselves!”

“Father I am NOT walking through FIRE!”

“Son, it’s the only way!”

"See! It's working!"

“What do you mean it’s working? Those people are dead now Father!”

“Exactly! If they were evil spirits then the fire wouldn’t have harmed them!”

“I can’t even put into words how fucking retarded this is! Where did you hear all of this Father?! Who told you we had to do these things?!”

“Well the old woman in the hills did.”

“The one with the cauldron?”

“Yes!”

“The same one who cackles all night and walks around with that smelly broomstick?”

“Yes, the very one!”

…

“Fuck you guys, I’m going back to bed.”

And that my friends is the story of Halloween!

*Warning* Believing and repeating anything Johnny Red tells you can cause serious damage to your reputation. Johnny Red exaggerates and twists the truth for his own self-amusement.

Bonus Content

Don’t forget everyone who lives in the Northern Maine area that Johnny Red will be throwing his annual Halloween Costume Party this Saturday night! Party starts at 7 p.m. and Costumes are mandatory. If you show up without a costume then my hired muscle will gladly tune you up at the entrance, toss your broken body inside, and claim you came dressed as mugging victims.

Oh and since I promised Max and Dominic strippers, then here you go!

Zombie Strippers: Jerk off to that you lucky so and so's.

John Michael Gagnon…boo!…Johnny Red

Started out as the same ol’ Tuesday.  Dreary, drizzly.  I slept in till 6:30 (gasp!) which meant that it took a good hour to get to work, and it took a good 1.5 hours to get home.  Lots of dreary time on the road today.   Pinot is not big on going outside for walks when it’s more than dribbling, so we didn’t go to far this afternoon, and she turns into a gremlin when wet.  You’d never know it by this picture, but right after this docile dog photo shoot, she was running around the living room wrestling with the towel.

Typical Tuesday run, indoors – I have to say that I’m really enjoying re-watching Buffy episodes while on the treadmill.  I have to wonder – with the current vampire ‘thing’ going on, would Buffy be more popular if it was airing now for the first time?

Food find for the week – Trader Joe’s sausage-less Italian soy sausage.  (Woot, veg 9 days and counting!)  Tonight, I crumbled that into a pasta sauce mixture with carrots, green onions, a purple bell pepper, garlic (lots of garlic!), basil, walnuts and organic tomato sauce.  A douse of Riesling in the pan too.  All in all, turned out pretty well – we topped it with goat cheese and served it with whole wheat penne.  Once again, I’m looking forward to lunch tomorrow!

The highlight – highlight – of the evening was watching the movie Zombie Strippers with Nick.  This movie had it all.  Humor.  Strippers.  Gore.  Moments where I turned from the screen only to watch Nick make a face and then say “yeah you wouldn’t have wanted to have seen that part.”  (He always looks slightly amused during the really gory parts.  Gotta love that sense of humor!)  Usually I get caught up in the goriness of Halloween movies, but this one, set in Nebraska (who wouldn’t love a zombie stripper movie set in Nebraska?!) – had me chuckling to the end, and watching the commentary.

Run! Don’t walk to your DVR and search for Zombie Strippers on SPike TV.

This over-the-top zombie flick starring Jenna Jameson and Robert Englund (aka Freddy Kruger) tells the story of an alternate near future in which George W. Bush is still in office (for his fourth term) along with his VP, Arnold Schwarzenegger. As you might imagine, under Bush’s continued leadership, the US military is stretched thin as it is engaged in multiple wars including the current Iraq and Afghanistan wars, which are joined by wars with the rest of the Middle East, France and Alaska. The military turns to science to help solve the recruitment issues and science answers with zombie soldiers (of course). Spoiler Alert! the zombie project gets out of hand and the zombies eventually escape the military complex and run amuck. One wayward zombie finds his way to a Nebraska strip joint where he attacks and infests a stripper. This Zombie Stripper is no mindless brain-eatting monster and although she does have a craving for living flesh, she also knows how to work the pole better than any living stripper in town.

Zombie Strippers is fun! It’s ridiculously low-budget and campy but also packed with gore, strippers and an insane stripper battle. The movie never attempts to take itself seriously, which adds to the enjoyment and fun, however, there is a philosophical conversation threaded throughout the movie (yes for real) that makes this more than the typical thoughtless SyFi channel zombie movie.

In short, if you love horror, camp, zombies and strippers then Zombie Strippers is the movie for you.

You can watch the trailer at Spike.com:
Zombie Strippers – Theatrical Trailer.

I have a new favourite Zombie movie. Why is that? Two words. Zombies and strippers. In the same movie. Together. Not to mention that you also get Jenna Jameson as one of the strippers and she can act better than…ok with all the porn movies she’s done she’s a pro at faking it. The basic plot of Zombie strippers is that a group of Soldiers called Z Squad go to clean up a zombie outbreak at a lab owned by Gearge W Bush. Everyone know he owns weapons of mass destruction! Anyway one of the nooby soldiers gets bitten and rather than get his head blown off makes a runner and ends up at strip club owned by the sleazy Hypochondriac Ian played to expertly by Robert Englund (again Freddy yo!). At this point he turns full zombie and attacks Kat one of the strippers played by Jenna Jameson. As the soldier is stuffed downstairs Kat of course gets up and but now she wants to strip and turns out being undead makes you a real good stripper. Slowly the other girls begin to succumb to the lure of being a zombie stripper either through envy, jealousy, adoration or other. Ian sees this as a great opportunity to make money but of course as all zombie movies must go, the zombies cannot be contained and the patrons (dumb males) who the strippers keep lap dancing for (eating their bits) soon break loose.

Jenna Jameson stripping. Warning: There may be nudity in this picture.

Fairly new director/writer Jay Lee has done a pretty good job getting this movie together on a pretty low budget. He used a lot of the crew as the patrons and a few friends such as Calvin Green who plays the DJ Cole. The editing is tight and the comedic banter is works well between the actors although some of the joke verge on groan worthy. There are a lot of new faces here and other new bits. The strippers are Hawt! Barring Jenna Jameson we have her rival Jeannie played with bitchy flare by the sexy Shamron Moore. One of the strippers that doesn’t get her kit of is Berenge (Jeannette Sousa) a nihilist that doesn’t quite know if she should support or detest what the strippers have become. Then we have Lilith played by singer Roxy Saint, a gothic and pierced raven who is the first to join kats side. Now this leads me on to the music. It rocks. Roxy Saint actually sang one of the songs that Jenna first strips to as a Zombie called Smother and it got me grooving. In fact so much so that I’m actually looking for the sound track to the movie as we speak…right now like.  

Shamron Moore stripping. Warning: This picture may con....oh fuck it you get the point

To the special FXs! I have to say down and out these are some of the best zombie FX and gore gags hands down. They were created by Patrick Mcgee and considering the whole film had a budget of $1million that’s pretty impressive. Most of the FX were practical with CGI used sparingly and I’ll have to say my favourite zombie was Tongue guy who lost his jaw in a lap dance. Awww sad. The strippers had about 5 stages of zombiness, from just turned bloody but rare to well cooked black eyed, protruding eye sockets and decaying skin.

Baby, you got real ugly.

The extras on the DVD gave a bit of an insight. There is easily about 45 mins of deleted scenes that were edited to get the movie to a tight 90mins. Some of these I thought would have been great to add a little more to it but there were other scenes that were easy targets to be removed. The commentary with Robert Englund, Jenna Jameson, Jay Lee and Joey Medina is hilarious. We also find out that the movie is loosely based on the play by Eugene Lonescos’ allegorical play “Rhinoceros” with the names of the characters being derived from it including Jeannette Sousa character being the conclusion of it.

Some of the acting was at times a little off, mainly in the Z squad characters but this didn’t detract to much overall. I still thought this was one of the best zombie films I’ve seen in a long time. My score 8.5/10.

Okay, getting off the anime subject for a quick sec I saw Zombieland yesterday and it must be said that it is the funniest, goriest, zomedy I’ve ever seen and I’ve seen both of them.  All three if you can count Zombie Strippers which I say you can’t.  If “Zomedy” equals “Zombie Comedy,” shouldn’t the supposed Zomedy be at least a little funny?  (Who the hell told Jenna Jameson that she should have picked that vehicle to enter mainstream cinema?)

Every one of the main characters was a hoot but the one who should get the award for “Best Asshole with a pair of lawn shears” should go to my man Woody Harrelson.  I ain’t gay but if I was I’d be his butt pirate.  Sarah, of What Sarah Said almost changed my sexual preference with the picture she posted on this post but fortunately I was able to keep my manliness in check.  If it’d been a nude I’d be in trouble.

Dead Snow (dir: Tommy Wirkola, 2009)

La verdad es que todavía no se ha estrenado la película por estos lares (la disfrutaremos en Sitges) y ciertamente, casi todos la hemos visto ya. Incluso algunos blogs que solemos visitar hace meses que ya tienen sendas reseñas: Almas Oscuras, el blog de Joan Lafulla y AVT, el blog de nuestro gran amigo y colaborador, a la par que torturador de nuestras mentes y ojos, Maese Naxo Fiol.

Evidentemente, cuando uno se existe una película sobre zombies nazis, uno se tira de cabeza para verla. No obstante, antes de hacer nuestra particular reseña, tendremos que advertiros sobre las pretensiones de film. Esto… ninguna! Puro entretenimiento, sin más, es decir, ni una gran historia, ni un gran guión, ni unos personajes de la hostia,… entonces vale la pena verla ¿? Por supuesto! Por la temática,… uhmmm… Zombies Nazis! Un caso paralelo sucede con Zombie Strippers, y que dentro de poco, comentaremos en el blog. Además, de este ya de por sí, potente motivación, la película está acompañada de grandes dosis de sangre, tripas, desmembramientos y gore, que es en definitiva lo que vale la pena de la película… Que si no…

A todos nos sobrarán los personajes cliché que utiliza la película, las referencias y guiños a otras películas del género tales como Bad Taste o Evil Dead están interpretados como el culo, y los momentos humorísticos, pasan a ser momentos absurdos. Además, contamos con una intro demasiado larga, es decir, cuando uno visiona este tipo de películas que ya sabe a lo que va, creo que desde el minuto 5 ya se tiene que empezar a matar a diestro y siniestro; además, cuando contamos con la elite de la SS en modo Zombie! Si Himmler levantará la cabeza… No puedes hacer una película con una intro de 30 minutos, sin que se vea nada interesante, y luego concentrarlo todo para el final…
No obstante, y habiendo hecho un análisis bastante real de lo que uno se encontrará… Zombis Nazis, si que os recomiendo como mínimo un visionado! Lo disfrutaréis!

Dead Snow (dir y coguionista: Tommy Wirkola – Død snø, 2009 Noruega) cuenta la historia de amigos que se van un finde a la montaña. Dónde ¿? Pues a la típica cabaña, perdida por los montes de Dios. La película empieza con la escena de Sara (Ane Dahl Torp), que haciendo esquí alpino que huye atemorizada de algún animal o ser que la está acechando; solo entrevemos lo que sucederá más adelante, y digo entrever, por que tampoco se ve nada en claro.

Acto seguido ya se nos presenta al grupo de jóvenes, parece ser que son un grupo recién obtenida la licenciatura de medicina, que se dirigen a las montañas a correrse una buena juerga. Los personajes son bastante planos y tipificados, y ni tan sólo destacamos las típicas tías buenorras.

Das Zombie Land!!

- Martin (Vegar Hoel), un incomprensible licenciado en medicina que se desmaya nada más ver sangre.
- Roy (Stig Frode Henriksen), un casi superviviente. Coguionista del film.
- Hanna (Charlotte Frogner), una casi superviviente.
- Vegard (Lasse Valdal), el novio de la desaparecida y guaperillas de turno.
- Liv (Evy Kasseth Røsten), la guapetona del grupo.
- Erlend (Jeppe Laursen), el friki del grupo, fan del cine de terror. Por favor, que alguien le pegue un tiro.
- Chris (Jenny Skavlan), carne de cañón.

Mientras esperan la llegada de Sara, empiezan a beber y a comportarse como idiotas, pero algo les sorprenderá. La visita inesperada e inquietante de un misterioso vagabundo (Bjørn Sundquist) que les pregunta que coño estan haciendo ahí. Este personaje será el encargado de narrarnos la trama de la película: durante la Segunda Guerra Mundial, una división de elite de la SS (Einsatzgruppen), capitaneada por el Comandate Herzog fue el responsable de sembrar el pánico y el terror por Øksfjord. Estos se dedicaron a expoliar al pueblo de sus riquezas y a asesinar a la población local, pero todo tiene su límite, y los lugareños, se organizaron y les plantaron cara, haciéndoles huir a las montañas, de las que nunca más se supo de ellos. Pero los nazis clamaron venganza y tarde o temprano, volverán para reclamar su oro y riquezas.

Y ahora, que ya tenemos la justificación de la película, ya pueden empezar las matanzas! Y eso es lo que sucede, el primero en caer esa misma noche, será el vagabundo, aunque como en el caso de Sara, no se vea ni un ápice de sangre. Por la mañana siguiente, Vegard preocupado por que Sara no haya llegado, decide ir a buscarla con la moto-nieve! Entretanto, los coleguillas se quedan continuando haciendo de las suyas, es decir, nada! Pero por un golpe de fortuna, en un zulo encuentran una caja con un montón de joyas y dinero. Os suena de antes ¿?

A partir de ahí, empezará la acción de la buena! Los zombies nazis salen de su letargo y esa misma noche atacarán ya a nuestro grupo de zopencos! Es aquí cuando empieza todo lo que estábamos esperando: muertes, sangre, vísceras, violencia, y sobre todo, tripas, muchas tripas! Llegando a afirmar que las escenas donde las tripas son las protagonistas, son las mejores del film. Nuestros protas irán cayendo como moscas, aunque Martin y Roy montarán una pequeña resistencia, armados con material de bricolaje del cobertizo de la casa: martillos, cuchillos, hoces y hasta una motosierra (os suena ¿?) uno de los aspectos negativos destacable de la peli, es la incrogruente presentación de los zombies nazis, por que en las primera imágenes que entrevemos de ellos, son como seres super rápidos, que atacan a velocidad lumínica; y en cambio, posteriormente, ya les cuesta más moverse por la nieve…

En definitiva, y habiendo comentado todo lo comentado anteriormente, recomiendo Dead Snow, que a más de uno, nos recordará esas horas interminables jugando al Wolfenstein y Return of Wolfenstein, y más actual, al Call of Duty con el mod de Zombies Nazis! Una auténtica locura! Vayan pasando por favor, que ya tengo mi rifle preparado! Das Zombie Land!!!

photo from VH1

Many doomsday freaks like to reference current geopolitical events as evidence that the end is near.  I say a better argument that we are now living in the End Times can be made after watching a few minutes of Real Chance of Love.

In case you don’t know what that is, here’s a brief rundown of the genealogy.  It starts with Flavor Flav, whose original schtick was being in Public Enemy, the world’s angriest hip hop ensemble, while being the world’s most lovable crack head, while wearing silly sunglasses and enormous clocks around his neck.  After some years of obscurity he resurfaced in the VH1 reality show, The Surreal Life, in which he embarked on a love affair with Brigitte Neilson, who played alongside Arnold Schwarzenegger in Red Sonja, then played Ivan Drago’s wife in Rocky IV, and then actually married and quickly divorced Sylvester Stallone, and whose schtick is now being a naked alcoholic lunatic.

A spinoff of that show called Strange Love featured Neilson and Flav rekindling their incredibly creepy relationship in Milan because, well, that’s as good a place as any to have a creepy relationship.  Alas, they weren’t meant to be, so Mr. Flav was given his own reality show called Flavor of Love, a Bachelor-style elimination show on which strippers and porn stars competed for Flav’s affections.  The certifiably insane runner-up from the first season of Flavor of Love, named “New York,” then got her own dating elimination show called I love New York.

Two brothers nicknamed “Real” and “Chance” were contestants on the first season of I Love New York, and now they have their own show, Real Chance of Love, on which strippers and porn stars compete for their affections.

While “researching” this little six degrees of damned good reasons to kill myself, I drooled on my keyboard, lost 19 IQ points, and invited a nest of fire ants to take up residence in my eyes.  Consider that during this bit of “research” I found out that the Flavor of Love 2 finale was the most watched non-sports cable show of 2007, and that a guy named “Tailor Made,” who won I Love New York 2, and was on an I Love New York/ Flavor of Love spin-off called I Love Money, is now running for New York City Council.

Now consider this scenario: You are trying to convince a sentient alien being that he/she/it shouldn’t destroy Earth a la Marvin Martian with his Illidium Q-36 Explosive Space Modulator.  This being is neither benevolent nor malevolent, just neutral, and he’s doing a sort of cost-benefit analysis of whether or not to destroy our planet.  He’s trying to figure out if Earthlings have anything to contribute to the galactic canon, so to speak.  You’re trying to convince him that saving us is worthwhile, but then you somehow start talking about Real Chance of Love, and you end up asking if you might have the honor of pulling the trigger on the Q-36 yourself, assuring him that it will be the most pragmatic choice, and that his view of Venus will now be unobstructed.

Late last year I left the United States for work, and I was gone for eight months.  I already had a sort of hate-hate relationship with reality television, but while I was gone, I mostly forgot about the phenomenon.  I had cable television, but the strange  mix of international stations thankfully seemed to omit nearly all of these god-awful shows.  My housemates and I, on the rare occasions that we did sit down in front of the television, were more inclined to agree on watching news channels, or a classic movie channel, or even Top Gear, which I suppose, technically, is a reality show.

Sometimes we’d watch more recent movies, and my housemate, an Australian, decided he would never visit the U.S. because he was sure it must be infested with zombies.  His argument was quite simple and went something like this: Based on American movies, he reasoned that Americans were obsessed with zombies.  Therefore, America must be full of zombies.  I thought he was insane, but when I came home and saw part of an episode of Real Chance of Love, I knew he was right.  America is full of zombies — zombie strippers.

I’ve never really been able to comfortably navigate the concept of celebrity, especially when people started becoming celebrities simply because they had begun to attain a certain level of celebrity, and not for being good at something, or really, even being able to do anything at all.  Take Jon and Kate of the drippy show, Jon and Kate Plus Eight.  When I left the country, they were merely two people who had an unfortunate fertility drug mishap that produced a family of sextuplets and twins.  That’s eight children in two birth sessions in case you couldn’t work out the calculations.  When I returned, Jon and Kate were plastered on the covers of every low-brow entertainment rag in every supermarket checkout line from here to Spokane and down to Albuquerque.  They had affairs.  They had hair implants.  They had liposuction.  They had plastic surgery.  They had sex with bodyguards.  They bashed each other and cried on televised interviews. In short, they were acting like celebrities, and therefore, were being treated as such.  I don’t know these people, so I certainly shouldn’t hate them.  Their situation seems as much a manufactured product of the entertainment machine as their own doing: a celebrity chicken and egg dilemma, if you will.

No one seems immune to the relentless assault of these shows on our daily lives.  My wife watches some of them.  She’s a social worker, and spends her days immersed in the sort of real real life that would cause most of us to crawl up in a dark corner with a handful of Xanax and a fifth of Old Crow. So when she gets home, sometimes she likes to switch off her brain by watching fake real life.  I love her and I like to give her the benefit of the doubt, but she once shushed me during an episode of Little People Big World, which I think is legally admissible in a divorce case as evidence of spousal abuse.  That, and turning into a zombie.

Llegas a tu casa totalmente rendido. Todo el día lo pasaste soportando pendejada y media en el trabajo y lo único que deseas es encontrar una cerveza en la nevera y que tu vieja te sobe las patas, pero… no tienes vieja y la nevera está vacía porque piensas que ir al super es el trabajo que debería hacer tu inexistente vieja (Yeee filosofía pura). Entonces te decides, una vueltecita por el ‘teibol’ más cercano, dos tres cuatro cinco o seis chelas -tu quincena no da pa’ más-, jevas moviéndote las nalgas en la cara, si tienes suerte le hundes la nariz en las tetas a la que se deje -lástima no poder hundirle otra cosa- y de vuelta a tu casa, chaquetita y a dormir…

Pero que tal si… tus tontos planes tercermundistas de una noche de ‘teibol’ feliz se fueran al carajo por culpa de:

The Zombie Strippers!

No hay tiempo para explicaciones, pero tu escaso criterio cultural y esas noches de videojuegos de zombies te  hacen pensar que algún idiota debió haber diseminado por accidente un virus mortal que desarrollaba algún laboratorio instalado inconscientemente a las afueras de la ciudad o algo asi. Puta madre y ni chance tuviste de hacerte la chaquetita…

Horas después consigues escapar a una cabaña enclavada en las montañas con una jeva buenísima a la que salvaste de ser contagiada sólo para darte cuenta de la existencia de…

LOS ZOMBIES GANGBANG

“Si esos zombies entran aqui te matarán a polvos…”

De pronto despiertas y te das cuenta que era un sueño atrapado en la torcida imaginación -llena de sexo y muerte- de este blogger que escribe.

“todos quieren ya ser gatos jazz”

Quien no ha visto una película de Jena Jameson o quien no ha oído hablar de ella? Haaaa no se hagan los incrédulos y no miren para los lados, este personaje es una de las actrices del porno más conocida y querida por sus fans (me incluyo), más aun cuando ella protagoniza esta hermosa película de HORROR, GORE, TOPLES PUNK, se trata de ZOMBIE STRIPPERS !!!, una hermosa obra realizada para todos los amantes del cine BIZARRO, ya que trata de una infección Zombie que llega a un mismísimo toples donde Jena Jameson es la principal bailarina. Nuestra querida y tierna actriz porno es atacada por un zombie con deseos de comerla (lo que todos queremos) y mi querida princesa se convierte en un ente no viviente pero viva osea un zombie. Lo gracioso y original de esta película es que Jena Jameson una vez transformada en zombie se impregna de un impulso “gore” por bailar, mostrándonos a una ESPECTACULAR ZOMBIE BAILARINA DE TOPLES, y lo mejor, es tan buena la performance que el publico NO QUIERE MÁS A LAS BAILARINAS HUMANAS !!! lanzándole tomates y sacándolas del escenario exigiendo a gritos a sus bailarinas zombies pero ojo, en cada baile alguien del publico será literalmente COMIDO por Jena Jameson.
Otro dato freak, saben quien además trabaja? FREDY KRUGER !!!! siii el mismísimo Robert Englund.

Zombies, toples, Jena Jameson, mujeres desnudas, sangre por todos lados y Robert Englund hacen de este film algo necesario e imperdible, por lo menos culturalmente hablando, ya que el que ama este cine debe verla.

DESDE LA ENCICLOPEDIA DEL HORROR.

The movie industry is flowerishing when it comes to zombie movies. You have categories you never thought was possible, and all add to the fantastic genre of the evil flesh eating living dead.

There are zombies emerging on air planes and killing the whole crew and most of the passangers (”Plane Dead”), evil murderous zombie sheep who attack without mercy (”Black Sheep”), married couple who on their loving honeymoon is being attacked by a vicious black phlegm which mutates into a zombiesque substance and zombiefies the host (”Zombie honeymoon”) and the list goes on and on, and on…and on.

There are zombies in violent fights with strippers (”Zombie Strippers”, and ”Zombie Zombie Zombie – Strippers vs. Zombie”), but nothing compares to the extremely gory and beautifully realistic (!) triology (plus remakes) of George Romero’s classic ”Night of the Living Dead”, ”Dawn of the Dead” and ”Day of the Dead” …not to mention ”Diary of the Dead” and ”Land of the Dead”. Seems like Hollywood is crazy about zombies – rumors say that Brad Pitt is planning to film/star in/produce Max Brooks’ ”World War Z” .

Judge my surprise when I decided to see ”Feast III – The Happy Finish” and I noticed there are not solely gory slaughter scenes by monsters with pointy teeth, but there are actually zombies hiding in the background killing mercilessly too ….. and I just wanted to see the 3rd follow up to the funny monster film where buddy Henry Rollins is hunting monsters in pink pants….

I’m a firm believer in the thought that 2008 was an impressively strong year for movies.  In one year, we were treated to inspired films such as Milk, The Dark Knight, WALL·E, Love Songs, Vicky Cristina Barcelona, The Last Mistress, and Zombie Strippers*.  While we’ve admittedly still got months to go and the inevitable Oscar season of nomination hopefuls, this year’s already seeming comparatively disappointing for actual good movies.  Bad movies, on the other hand, seem to be popping up like Kudzu in Georgia, so I’m obviously happier than a go-go dancer at a g-string sale.

Think about it: this is the year in which we’ve already been given Obsessed and we’re soon going to get Powder Blue.  There’s no way in hell that Inglourious Basterds is not going to be garbage-and-a-half (the prospect of witnessing Eli Roth’s acting is just bizarro icing on Quentin Tarantino’s insane-o cake), and Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen will be Baytastic (meaning fast, loud, and totally batshit crazy), so our summer’s clearly a hot mess, and this fall brings us a real winner:

Beyond the fact that this poster is a pretty sub-standard Saul Brown rip-off, this is a movie with Jesse Metcalfe in TOP BILLING ABOVE MICHAEL DOUGLAS.  Amber Tamblyn’s at least actually been in movies (John Tucker Must Die isn’t a movie, just awful at 24-frames per second), and she gets second billing, but she still gets billing above Michael Douglas?  How did producers assemble this cast, and how in the hell is this movie not movie heading straight to DVD faster than a bullet train wreck?  Is Michael Douglas even actually in this movie?

Oh, apparently he actually is, and whoahbitch does this movie ever look terrible.  The weird font for the title that looks like it should be for a really bad sci fi movie?  Terrible.  That voiceover?  Really terrible.  The stunningly hammy performances?  Camparrifically terrible.  All those car chases?  Baytastically terrible.  And then there’s Jesse Metcalfe’s puffy face, which is just the terrible icing on this multi-tiered cake of craptasticness.  He used to inspire a rabid, fiery jealousy of Eva Longoria back when he was on Desperate Housewives, but now he just makes me wonder if I should start cutting back on my sodium to avoid excess water retention.  Even in a recession, I’m totally willing to pay to sit through all sorts of badness, but even I can say “Hell No!” to Beyond a Reasonable Doubt.

As for Netflix, though, that’s another (horribly acted, atrociously directed, and dreadfully preposterous) story entirely.

*You think I’m joking, but I’m not joking.  It’s an existential comedy, so it’s essentially I Heart Huckabees with zombies, Robert Englund, and gratuitous boobs, so it’s essentially I Heart Huckabees but perfect in every way.

a few things that have crossed my mind the last month or so…

probably my most favourite horoscope ever

did i mention i have a habit of finding out about things after they’ve happened.  it turns out vintage tea shop owner Johnny Vercoutre set up a temporary joint in bloomsbury, perfect for a St. George’s Day tea time treat, with many of the decor items for sale once it was all over.  typically i managed to miss out by like a day.

pop up tearoom

this May brings the blackpool ballroom & latin dancing heats.  i so wanted to go and be a kid again; completely mesmerised & sucked into all the flounciness, tack, uber tans, dresses, & british etiquette of a by-gone era, but alas i didn’t realise how far/awkward/expensive blackpool is to get to.  maybe next year.  p.s. the ceiling looks amazing!!

sparkly shoes

my life seems to run with themes.  if something goes unusually bad/good in the morning, i can pretty much guarantee the rest of my day will unfold in a similar fashion.  the same goes for my interests.  no sooner do i get stuck into a project/idea, i only have to open the paper or whathaveyou to find that pretty much everyone else appears to be doing that too (maybe a slight exaggeration).  the other week i had my nose in the paper on the train home, and came accross this double spread about the knitting frenzy that seems to be sweeping blighty.  the main feature was press for The Papered Parlour in Clapham, ‘where locals can drop in for a cup of tea…and adults can learn to knit, screen print, draw, make books…’.  i didn’t go to the launch as i find things like that overwhelming and brain saturating, but it’s down the road from where i work, so maybe i’ll pop in one day.

part of the knit brigade

april 26th was pinhole photography day, and i came accross this awesome project via the craft zine blog.  it’s a step by step guide to making your very own matchbox pinhole camera.  i love this idea!  i’ve had a supasnaps flourescent yellow snappit camera (which is pretty much a basic pinhole) hanging from my wall for years now, so maybe it’ll inspire me to do something with it.  i’m definately going to have a go at making a matchbox camera when i find the time, and perhaps to a mini photo project…’click click’ on the picture for a link to the photojojo zine (which is pretty awesome in itself).

tiny-weeny-moment-capturer

and other than that i’ve been thinking about and trying to avoid the subject of my impending birthday.  so far not too many constructive suggestions.

nearly a quarter of a century

<3 <3  ooooh, but how could i forget?…………………………………………………….

want to pick up a few tips on pole dancing whilst feasting on gore? why not try:

definate date movie

bad-on-purpose acting, penis biting, zombies that fight dirty AND jenna jameson?? yes please!

During my short break I was able to focus on a few things that I had been neglecting such as friends, family, and cleaning the house. Not big things individually, but combined they have helped me hit the reset button. Like all things any time for reflection is good, no matter what you are reflecting on. It will give you the chance to look back and say, “so thats why.”

This is the case with Avery Brewing out of Colorado. To be honest I am not a big fan of really anything they have released in the past 2 years. I do not dislike them, I  would just rather prefer something else. Now with that said, I was excited to hear they had an Imperial India Pale Ale out for a limited release (March-Aug). I have been on a serious hop kick lately and the packaging really caught my eye.

Here is the run down on Avery’s 22 oz. Maharaja IPA:

Price tag: $8.99 a bottle

ABV: A kick you in the nuts 10.54% seriously I got lit.

O.G.: 1.090 and heavy on the Carmel malt.

IBU: 102 units of strong hops. This was the exact reason why I picked up this brew.

Overall taste and complex: The hops in the brew were gorgeous. I love strong hops. However, what I do not like is when the brewer uses really sweet malts and sugar profiles to jack up the alcohol. Even with the hops shining through, the sweetness just killed me. I think after a pint I started to get a stomach ache from all the sugars. Though I did catch a nice buzz.

On the JP beer scale(1-10), I give this beer a 6.5. Though it was sweet, it was keeping with tradition with the IPA of being a high gravity beer and in this case a very sweet one. The reason I  gave it the extra .5 was due strictly to the hops.

The Imperial Maharaja ale reminds me of Jenna Jameson in Zombie Strippers. At first you are really excited because A. Jenna is in it. B. It has zombie strippers. C. Who doesn’t like zombie strippers? When you first start watching this movie you are focusing in on all of the elements that makes the movie and really are not to concerned about the outcome. In your brain the parts should equal a great sum. Like this movie, the beer does not hold up to the ingredient hype. Both the movie and the beer (yes I was watching it while drinking this beer) just died off and made me slightly nausea’s at the end. So, if you like sweet and hoppy, this could be your jam. For me I feel the ingredients, much like Jenna, were rode out just too damn long. Like 70’s porn and the pet rock this beer is a limited engagement and as a community we are better off for that.

Live Dead Nudes

Zombie Strippers é um filme delirante. O argumento está abaixo de banal (pelo amor de Deus, até Peter Jackson nos primórdios fazia melhor), a fazer lembrar uma mistura de Resident Evil com Bad Taste e metendo gajas nuas à mistura. Os grandes atractivos do filme são Jenna Jameson e Robert Englund. Jenna domina a tela desde o primeiro instante, mesmo antes de ser transformada em zombie. Mas a cena de combate dela com outra zombie que pretende ser a estrela do show é surreal mas muito divertida. Com Roxy Saint, Penny Drake, Shamron Moore e Zak Kilberg.

Vale a pena deixar de ver a bola e a caneca da cerveja a aquecer para ver isto

Sony Official Sight. Wikipedia. IMDb.

This 2008 zombie flick teaches us a very simple lesson: cult movies cannot be manufactured. This film has all the elements of a cult film: a grindhouse aesthetic, strippers, zombies, camp and cheesekore. But it feels contrived. It just tries too hard to look like it is not trying. Just like trying to be cool, it just does not work. 

Still, it is a zombie film and there is lots of blood and tits. That counts for something. I don’t know what though.

Content rating: 3/10

Style rating: 6/10

Some times a bad movie can be good, but Zombie Strippers is not one of them.  The only I started to watch this movie is because a friend had rented it thinking it would be funny and he thought for some reason that Rob Zombie had something to do with it.  What can I say about this movie.  Well we didn’t not even finish watching it because it was that bad.  Wasn’t even funny.  Don’t watch this movie.

Don’t bother watching this.  If you say, “but there are strippers in it”, yes but you can use Google and that is free and not a waste of time.

0 out of 5 GT (GT = Good Times)

“Zombie Strippers”, der Film schwimmt auf der Welle der Grindhouse Filme, die mit Tarantinos/ Rodriguez Projekt “Death Proof/ Planet Terror” neu aufgelegt wurde. Der Film an sich versucht klüger zu sein, als das Thema wirklich her gibt. Jenna Jameson, eher bekannt aus dem horizontal-agierenden Filmgeschäft macht ihre Sache als Schauspielerin nicht schlecht und, man kann sagen, ein Zombie sah noch nie so sexy aus, bis die Verwesung anfängt. Dann gibt es noch Robert Englund, bekannt als Freddy aus “Nightmare on Elm Street”. Hier agiert er als Strip-Club Besitzer, er gibt seinem Charakter eine gewisse Leichtigkeit und spielt seine Rolle souverän und durchgeknallt.
Der Film scheitert zwar an seinem “Intelektuellen Anspruch”, aber falls man es auf strippende Zombies und ein paar blutige Gore-Effekte abzielt, kann man den Film als unterhaltend bezeichnen. Eher für Fans des trashigen Geschmacks.