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Mind of a FedWife (Abridged, and Apologies to James Joyce)

Ugh dammit I wonder if this is over yet I what does that notification say no it’s not let’s get this day moving do you ever clean the toaster why doesn’t he just eat in the morning teenagers drive me nuts no time to drink my coffee into the go cup it goes at least we have coffee I’m so glad I bought two boxes of pods last time I went to Costco we will be OK as long as we have coffee move over dammit I’m exiting here why are so many stupid drivers in this area I wonder how much traffic has gone down since December I sure don’t notice it but it will get worse with Amazon God I love that kid I hope he does well on that test I’m 99% the sacrifice for this school is worth it damn I need to go to yoga so glad three months are paid for what bills do we have and which can we shift well sure as Hell not that damn toilet maybe I’ll have the plumber check ours too its running a bit I think great I beat him here does anyone else empty the dishwasher in this house OK so DiploDad does it too but anyone under 50 no that’s not fair DB1 has a migraine today let me check on him ASAP geez he’s greenish white I remember getting these it’s probably hormones he’s gotta stop with the Monster energy drinks I bet he bought one with his allowance at school yesterday because he didn’t sleep over his math quiz of course I know he didn’t sleep because I was awake too why do I even check Facebook what kind of idiot really believes that “not hurting the right people” fuck him and the horse he rode in on man I need to sleep what’s this voicemail shit shit I did not charge that to PayPal this is why I don’t have PayPal great call him now now now why the fuck would he ask me if I bought over a hundred bucks from a food app delivering in Boston he’s just stressed where’s the number for USAA OK OK OK cancelled but now we have to transfer savings and no points to pay for the plumber no big deal probably just a couple hundred what the Hell you are kidding me both of them crap OK yay laundry time to make casseroles I am so devastated for her I can’t imagine losing my mother she was so sweet and lovely and it’s not fair damn this stress too I can cook though I hope her trip is going well I need to run we have that race coming up and fantastic I was going to pay the balance which is due tomorrow with the now cancelled credit card what a shitty time for this to happen happy new year to me at least I am healthy except for that arthritis thing and headaches now well of course I’m getting headaches now should I do the Christmas cards now man I’m late on that well at least I got them done this year I already have tons of forever stamps no need to buy them I like the cool red envelopes red is cool maybe I should go apply to Target just in case at least we have one more paycheck then all bets are off thank God we’ve saved but that’s for retirement and college beyond just rainy days what’s the penalty for early withdrawal is this really going on still no news you’re kidding me Cousin A just posted on Facebook I forgot her husband was Coast Guard that is going to get ugly why do people always forget the Coast Guard that’s border security people should I cancel that visit to Mom and Dad’s I don’t think I can be civil if they spew wall shit this weekend I wonder if they will get retirement pay and social security this will be a mess if old folks aren’t cared for and mean too no way you’re kidding me a hole in my dining room ceiling of course you don’t do drywall repairs no one fucking does drywall repairs shit the cats are gonna crawl into that that’s not good whew it’s probably just out of reach only an additional $300 thank God the best worst case scenario typical when are they going to be finished with the car it’s been three days and dammit it’s brand new what’s the Virginia lemon law why did we buy on a new model year oh yeah we needed a left hand drive car come on dog let’s go it’s freezing yeah we’ll be using everything in the freezer I am glad I learned the art of freezing and stretching in Ghana gotta go get DB2 why is there always a crash when I’m running late at least the route is blue once we pass Tysons oh shit now it’s yellow dammit red fun times sorry baby I’m still not to Maryland I know soon sorry I’ll call DB1 and ask him to walk DiploDog thank God he’s alive again OK got kid he seems happy I bet he asks for Earth Wind and Fire and bingo I called it I’d tell Siri to play it but the bitch only speaks German can you imagine if we got hacked that way I wonder who hacked our card of course the Chinese have all our data anyway from the OPM breach it’s nuts we’ve had more problems here than in India oh I miss India what’s the next holiday I should text my friends and see how they are doing you’re kidding another crash how hard is it to just pay attention while you drive turn signals are not an option asshole I think I need to shut off the news DB2 is stressing about the shutdown why would a ten-year-old even have this on his radar this is sad I don’t want to lie to my kids I want them to stay kids finding this balance sucks why do they always ask what’s for dinner when they’ll complain about something anyway did I complain that much about dinner man I remember when it was tight when I was a kid too but I was loved my kids are loved it will be OK nope still not over I’m turning off notifications someone will tell me when it’s over who else is affected others have it so much worse off Mitch McConnell is a jerk he’s abrogated his Constitutional duty yeah only say the second part out loud to DB1 I bet government class at Marshall is nuts right now OK homework done why doesn’t he read his parents are both readers his grandparents are all readers is this some majorly recessive gene wow that’s an awesome LEGO build he’s smart in other ways there’s the door man please don’t be in a shit mood oh I love his hugs everyone is everywhere again and dinner is on the damn table getting cold get down cat it’s not your dinner I swear that fat one would open the fridge if he had thumbs I can’t believe they all like everything I swear he ate the carrots too please can we not ask about this at the table damn his jaw is set this is going to be upsetting he’s conservative but he’s not mean so we’re doing our job right somehow that’s actually a good idea why doesn’t congress think like a 15yo wait that might be bad thank you I love you more for doing the dishes wait now I get to fold laundry OMG he soap dodged again saves on soap one less thing I’ll have to buy quit being so maudlin it will be OK we’ll all be OK I love the way semi-clean boy smells did the teenager go to bed light is off hmmm odd blue light did I turn Qustodio off he needs his sleep especially after that migraine really I forgot to install it I think we paid for that up front for a year oh man gotta change all credit cards on all autopay I’m sure we’ll miss one and get some kind of stupid late fee gotta put that app on the Kindle kids always find a way where should I hide this oh he’s walking the dog what else can I do turn down the heat its 70 but we can do 68 mom always told us to put on a sweater I get enough hot flashes to heat the house anyway can I sit down yet yeah TV sounds good man the music in the 80s was awesome those are groovy clothes FBI agent is a cool job but then I don’t think they’re getting paid should check in with her and ask how she’s doing she was supposed to be here last week no word though I guess that was cancelled you’re kidding you have to go in early and stay late yeah and federal workers are lazy fuck America they don’t care I need to sleep I need to sleep breathe I need to go to yoga that’s paid up until March will this go on past March no don’t think that we’ll be fine our friends will be fine we will stick together I need to sleep dammit what level am I on Candy Crush I need to sleep melatonin is your friend lalalalala sleep maybe tomorrow this will end yeah right I gotta work on being more positive oh fuck it.

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Obama beats babyman

From Gallup:

WASHINGTON, D.C. — For the first time in 17 years, a woman other than Hillary Clinton has been named by Americans as the woman they admire most.

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