Moving through a divorce, separation or even just a challenging time in your life can wear you down. What I find most interesting is that divorce is second on the Holmes and Rahe Stress Inventory scale right under the death of a spouse (assuming that you loved the spouse of course). Yet, what I have heard many divorced people say is that they think it would be easier if they suffered from the death of a spouse rather than a divorce.

I am going to start this post or rant if you will with the qualifier that the message is not intended to hurt or minimize to any degree the suffering that occurs when a spouse dies. However, this blog is not for you. There are many support sites that will know how to deal with the suffering and pain you have experienced or are currently experiencing. My apologies in advance, but please stop reading – NOW!

So, now I will continue. First of all, the Stress Inventory Scale was published back in 1967. There are many of you (not me) who were not around to know that day or time period. It was a time when men ruled and women were given the iron fist of the judicial system. Racial segregation still openly existed in the USA. It was one of the reasons the Divorce Act of Canada was put into place almost 20 years later in 1985. It took them another ten years to put the first child support tables into place in 1997. Watching the children of the rich and famous suffer and die of poverty was too much for the compassionate to bear. Never-the-less, a real business man would still be able to get out of their rightful child support obligations – but that is another story.

At first, I thought the scale was way too out dated to be accurate, but then I have worked with enough divorcing people to know that it is still rings true. It doesn’t measure all the subtleties of individual experiences or those unique to divorce such as abuse by legal means, but has enough to give you a picture.

Let’s look at the stress scale again. Just looking at the most common side effects of a divorce, the following would be common events experienced:
Divorce 73
Change in financial state – 39
Death/loss of a close friend – 37 (Do we count 37 for every friend who wont talk to you any more or double for the one who slept with your spouse – just curious) (In death most friends will pull together to support you)
In-law trouble – 29 ( At least for the funeral, every body gets along – maybe)
Change residence – 20
Change in sleep habits – 16
Change in eating habits – 15

That gives us a score of 229 and that would be for a good divorce. The Stress Inventory says that anything over 150 increases our risk to a 50 % chance of injury or illness.

To those who as a result of stress, do experience personal injury or property damage (car collision) or illness (colds and flu are common) add 53. To those of you who as a result of financial difficulties have to go back to school to get a job add 20. What about those of you who are missing the sex part – add 39 and if you decide to reconcile because of the sex part add 45, but remember to keep it together because you add 73 again if you separate again. Honestly, the sex isn’t worth it!

Anything over 300 is given a 80 % chance of major health problems. I think you get the point.

Divorce is stressful and has life long repercussions. Think long and hard on how to resolve your relationship difficulties before you jump the fence and decide the sweet life of your single youth was so much grander. I didn’t even mention the kids!

Many people that I have met, complain that their spouse wouldn’t do certain things for them or wanted things (sex and otherwise). In the fast paced dating world, people find themselves doing those exact same things with their new partners. I don’t know the real reason, but I am pretty sure it has something to do with our motivation to be in a relationship. I often wonder why relationships don’t work even though I have ended enough of them, but I have only ever ended one marriage and that was enough for me.

Moral of the story – think long and hard and get help before you make the decision to divorce and if you do need to divorce or separate (lots of triple A reasons – abuse, addictions, adultery), take extra care and learn to deal with stress. Find ways to release your anger and let off pent up steam. Get good legal advice. Pray. Trust a good friend and let them help. Make new friends. Talk to a counsellor.

Other suggestions??

Tags » Divorce Act

Divorce Stress or Fiction