I have been single for just over a year. It’s starting to get to that wonderful point where all of my friends, family (including my grandma) are trying to set me up with someone. And this year deciding whether I wanted to date or not was a New Year’s Resolution. And I decided yes, okay, I’m ready. Now what?

I spend a lot of time driving in between my apartment, my mom’s house and work. I don’t have a lot of time on my hands. So at first I decided to go the route of giving out my number to anyone that asked. That was a horribly, stupid mistake. I have a weird adversity to phone conversations with people I don’t know (calling to set up doctors appointments is a serious struggle) so texting was the way to go. Maybe it’s just me, but when someone you barely know texts you “Good morning. I woke up and kissed you. Muah,” it’s time to move on. Then they blow up your phone and when you tell them it’s not working out they throw a complete fit and continue texting you their angry rants. After about four guys, I decided yeahhh this isn’t working. I laid off of it for a while.

Then Patti the Millionaire Matchmaker told me to try online dating on a site called Plenty of Fish. Well she didn’t tell me personally, but damn it, it felt like it. My mom and I were watching it and she did an interview where she told Andy Cohen, I love him by the way (call me Andy!) that online dating is where to meet men. I signed up before she finished talking.

About two years ago I tried a few websites, and it didn’t work out. But hey I would give it the old college try. It took me a while to understand what was happening. Immediately I started getting notifications that people wanted to meet me and I started getting overwhelmed. It’s just the way the site works. They show you pictures of people in your area it asks if you want to meet them, but it just means “are you interested?” You can choose yes, no or maybe. If you click yes or maybe the other person gets a notification that you want to meet them. It also lets you know if there is a mutual match.

At first I started freaking out. What?!!! I don’t want to meet anyone yet! Are they crazy?! I’m going to end up handcuffed in a warehouse somewhere! It’s just their terminology.

Then my phone started chiming like crazy because my inbox started getting messages. Some saying very inappropriate things that I won’t repeat. Some just saying hi. Some calling me bae, Hun, boo, beautiful, and even future wifey. It was overwhelming.

My biggest issue starting out was that I felt bad if I didn’t respond. Okay…I still have that problem, even if I think I’m not interested because who knows right?

The pick up lines. Oh man the pick up lines! The best so far is “just call me Pooh because all I want is you, honey.” Hey I had never heard it before and it was funny.

Once I got a message saying “judging from your username you have heard (some guy I can’t remember)’s commencement speech in some place I don’t remember of 2005? Well I didn’t listen to my own damn commencement speech so I don’t exactly go around looking for commencement speeches from when I was 15. And my username is because I think I’m clever and it’s from Finding Nemo. Lmao!

I may be engaged. Did I forget to mention that? Probably the most interesting message I got was something along the lines of “here’s the key to my heart 🔑🔑🔐❤️ please don’t break it 💔. ” Followed by the statement “🌷🌷🌹🌹🌺🌺🌼🌼 I got you some flowers I hope they don’t die.” Next was ” this is a deposit if you act right 💍💍💎💎💎👰👰💏💑.” Lastly was “this is a seed for our future 🌱 with the right ingredients 💦💦 and some love 💕💕 it will grow.” So I’m pretty sure I’m engaged. He did it so fast and there was a lot more emojis. It took me forever to find those just now.

The next issue I personally had was when they would end every sentence in “beautiful” in a very generic surface issue conversation. I get it, you think I’m beautiful. Now can we actually get to know one another?

Good conversation in general is hard to come by. I get a lot of “what are you doing” and when I respond, not answering until the next day with the same question.

Did I mention that I was told I look like Rosario Dawson’s MOM?! I’m 24. I get Rosario Dawson alllll the time. Rosario is 35. Let’s do some math here. If Rosario’s mom had her at a super young age, let’s say 13. You are saying that I look at least 48! When I tell him this he tells me to take my vitamins and then tells me insecurity isn’t attractive. What?!

I also had A LOT of men pushing for a date or phone number right out of the gate and would get frustrated when I refused saying I wanted to get to know them better on the site first.

Did I mention I have been stood up twice?

Not all of them are bad though. I have a few guys that I really enjoy talking to and even have a date coming up that I am very excited for. And when I told my friends that I was on this site, about 6 of them said they met their current boyfriends/fiances on that site. If you are thinking about it, give it a shot! Be prepared for the madness though. I will keep you posted.

Thanks for reading😊

Tags » Funny Dating Stories

My Adventures of Online Dating- Finding Nemo