I am jealous. Jealous of almost every girl I met. Even my boyfriend sometimes. I make everything a secret competition, and I get extremely jealous when I miss out on something, even if it is not my thing… I will make it my thing and be better at it. 184 more words
Tags » Stream Of Consciousness
I am intimidated by myself, and irrational in my reactions, as I continue to embrace paths less taken, as I continue to explore what makes life worth living, as I continue questioning, as I continue listening, as this journey is ever continuing, that old saying is coming up constantly as I am aging realizing the power that it holds, the change of mindstate it can offer, placing value on the experiences along the way, instead of the end I am trying to obtain, there is no end goal in living, besides continuing on constantly, there is no signal that your time is ending, just an abrupt removal from earthly living, there is no planning on this, nor calculating how to survive it, there is just the human instinct, that glimmer of light we keep chasing, the beacon of hope on which we keep betting, that alternate reality of which we keep dreaming, the chase that is addicting, the improvement that is never ending, operating on the belief that I can be continuously improving, that there is always a better version of me, that I should keep working, living, transitioning, exploring what means most to me, while knowing there is no correct answer, no one person who can answer all of my questions, no fable who can tell me what I am seeking, those questions will exist forever, they are with me for a lifespan, constantly running through my head, never being answered, instead just explored further, figured out for just a moment, relieved of their position on the forefront of all my thinking, pushing me, motivating me, driving me crazy, since they will never be wrapped up nicely, there will be no end to them, there is no simple answer that will explain it all, there is no clear plan for living better, and yet I still can offer answers, I am still finding ways to respond to the questions, I am still exploring all of the answers, looking for the fit that I am certain will happen, waiting for the moment for it to all fall into place even more, knowing that there will never be a complete answer, but still trying despite it all, slowly coming into my power, embracing a more free version of me, habits that fit more naturally, hobbies that encourage my creativity, expression filled with honesty, using uncertainty to keep me exploring, taking failure as an answer to my questioning, knowing that there will be more opportunities, a never ending rotation of resistance and healing, processing and feeling, obstacles responded to with bravery, opportunities embraced with an open thinking, knowing when to draw my boundaries, and yet still progressing constantly, I am proud of me and the progress I am making, the journey I am exploring, the twists I am taking with grace, this was not who I expected to become, but I am feeling it all settle in, making more sense the longer I persist in living.