Carnegie Mellon's Satirical Magazine
His wife loves him. His kids love him. His Senate colleagues love him. Everyone loves him. Look at that face. How could you not?
When not standing up for the American Way or eating his own boogers, Ben Cruz moonlights as the Zodiac Killer.
4 months ago
Governor of Ohio, kinda sorta presidential candidate, self-proclaimed “Prince of Light and Hope”
Jork just wants his senpai to notice him.
Eds. note: Jork’s senpai is the Republican primary electorate.
Kwis Kwistie likes men with conviction and bad haircuts. Occasionally, he indulges in a fine 1937 Chianti and a box of dark Belgian chocolates from his porch, watching over the entire state of New Jersey crumble around him.
Winner. Fond of red bikinis that match his beard.
“I will wear a great bikini — and nobody wears bikinis better than me, believe me — and I’ll wear them very inexpensively. 38 more words
Democratic Communist from Vermont. Definitely not a member of the KGB. Wants to share everything equally with the other 99%.
Politician, female, pantsuit stylist, policy wonk, and political punching bag.
“I like to have fun. I can connect with the youth. Is that what they’re calling it these days? 114 more words
Despite having the sexiest pecs of all the candidates, O’Vrana took his supporter’s name literally and dropped out — Early.