Tags » Swimsuit Issue

Ben Cruz

His wife loves him. His kids love him. His Senate colleagues love him. Everyone loves him. Look at that face. How could you not?

When not standing up for the American Way or eating his own boogers, Ben Cruz moonlights as the Zodiac Killer.


Jork Kasiporta

Governor of Ohio, kinda sorta presidential candidate, self-proclaimed “Prince of Light and Hope”

Jork just wants his senpai to notice him.

Eds. note: Jork’s senpai is the Republican primary electorate.


Kwis Kwistie

Kwis Kwistie likes men with conviction and bad haircuts. Occasionally, he indulges in a fine 1937 Chianti and a box of dark Belgian chocolates from his porch, watching over the entire state of New Jersey crumble around him.


Donald Thatchrump

Winner. Fond of red bikinis that match his beard.

“I will wear a great bikini — and nobody wears bikinis better than me, believe me — and I’ll wear them very inexpensively. 38 more words


Rinie Sandfair

Democratic Communist from Vermont. Definitely not a member of the KGB. Wants to share everything equally with the other 99%.


Apratillary Clinton

Politician, female, pantsuit stylist, policy wonk, and political punching bag.

“I like to have fun. I can connect with the youth. Is that what they’re calling it these days?  114 more words


Martyn O’Vrana and supporter Spencer Early

Despite having the sexiest pecs of all the candidates, O’Vrana took his supporter’s name literally and dropped out — Early.