. What the world revolves around.
. Nothing greater than finding that special someone in this world who makes living life feel like a movie.
Being in love
is probably the most amazing feeling
. Knowing that someone cares about you as much as you care about them. Believing that they will never hurt you. Having someone who knows your flaws and excepts you for who you are no matter your baggage. Not having to change who you are to find somebody special but to just live as you are. Some people would kill for a feeling like that. Once upon a time I would kill for a feeling like that. But all that changed for me once I realized that not everybody is ready to love.
Let’s begin with my story….
About three years ago, I met a boy. I’ll call him James
. James and I met when I was a junior in high school. (Yes
, I am only in college). He showed a lot of interest in me but around that time in my life I was still struggling with my own self-esteem. I was always had this idea that any time a guy was interested in me, it was all some big bet that was made between him and his friends. Sad ideal but I couldn’t help myself. Anyways, as he persistently attempted to get my number, one day one of his failed attempts was finally successful. I got his number on October 31st, 2014.
We started “talking” consistently everyday and he was really sweet. Always complimenting me, telling me how much he would miss me and how he wanted me to be his girlfriend. Being that this was my first real dating experience, I thought I was so lucky. My first try in the dating game and I found Mr. Right. He made me feel like the most beautiful girl in his life. All of the insecurities I felt went away when I was with him. I know it sounds cliche but it was so real for me. But oh how naive I was.
After about a year, James began to act funny. He wanted more from me than I was ready for and he made the assumption that he was ok with it. That he was willing to wait until I was ready. But then his actions changed completely, his texting habits shifted drastically. He went from texting “Hey baby, I miss you!” to “Read at 8:45pm”. I was starting to doubt myself, thinking
maybe we just need to spend more time together and then everything will be better. James had a twitter but I have no social media, so I wasn’t aware of the things that were unfolding behind my back.
One day in the summer before my Senior year of High school, I got a text from my friend and it was a screenshot. It was from his twitter and he was talking to this girl. Sending her heart eyes and being really flirtatious. Then she said something along the lines of “thats my baby” on one of his pictures. That day I realized my fantasy was over and reality began to kick in. James wasn’t who I thought he was, he was a cheater. A cheater who at the time, I thought I loved. So I made excuses for his action thinking maybe it was a mistake, maybe I was over reacting. So I confronted him about it. And he basically told me it was because of two reasons. One, I didn’t have time for him (mind you I was preparing for ACT and my senior year
approaching) and Two, he was tired of waiting.
In that moment, my whole world was beginning to change. I was questioning my own morals and looks for the sake of our relationship. I was starting to compare myself to the girls that I would see him conversing with and thinking, “What do they have that I don’t?” Maybe they looked more feminine than me, maybe it was their curves, maybe it was the fact that they were having sex and I wasn’t. The love I felt was so deep and I couldn’t imagine having that bond that I had created with him taken away from me. They always say that for a relationship to withstand, you have to be willing to compromise. So that’s what I did.
It was the summer before my freshman year of college. After 2 years, we were still only talking. He wasn’t able to hold a real commitment with me, every time we had got somewhere in our relationship, a new allegation a rose about a new girl. I was feeling ugly, unworthy of love, guilty for thinking of moving on, yet stupid for not. I was rethinking my morals, re-adjusting my standards. Thinking maybe I let him love me the way he wants to, we can work. I began sneaking out at all of hours of the night just to see him. Sneaking him inside my house. Then one day I came over his house while his parents were gone. Long story short, we had sex. Well, at least attempted to. I didn’t continue, I couldn’t. And when we stopped, he basically told me I had to leave.
Getting over him was the hardest thing I ever had to endure. When you think you love someone, you never want to let go. You hold on to past memories that once made you smile, as if you could stay in that moment forever. I thought, how could I get over the first person that I loved? But I soon realized that you can not allow another person to change who you are. And that’s exactly what he was doing. Earlier I mentioned that relationships are about making compromises. But the compromises you make should never have you changing your morals. I was becoming someone who I didn’t like. Being with him, I was constantly judging myself.
But being with him also made me realize that I wasn’t done growing. I needed to love myself for all I was, flaws and all. You need to love yourself
before you can allow anyway else into your life, because how can you allow someone else to love you when you don’t love your self. So many people are afraid to be alone or without someone to love
. But you have to know yourself and be willing to be alone so that you can really get to know you.
my loves until next time